Wednesday, July 27, 2011

"Now, the reason they do that, we think, is because poop stinks."

I think a lot of people resist listening to NPR because they think it's inaccessible or too liberal or, well, boring. And yeah, sometimes, if I try to listen to it on the way to work, I nod off a little bit but WHATEVER maybe I shouldn't listen to quiet-talking when I'm driving if I haven't had any coffee yet. 

Anyway. I feel sorry for the people who resist NPR because they think it's boring. Because, duh, it's not. You can tell me it is, but you'd be wrong, and I can prove it. 

The other day, I was in the car, listening to Excursions and they took a break from the music to talk about SCIENCE. Science is hardly ever boring, you guys. Science is messy and disgusting and AWESOME. For instance, I give you THIS. I highly recommend you listen to the audio.

In case you're thinking about not clicking that link, I'll give you a SPOILER. It's about caterpillars who can shoot poop out of their butts, sort of like a poop cannon. 

Poop! Out of their butts! COME ON. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house and it killed him.

When I was laid off in April, I wasn't that discouraged. I hadn't liked my job in a very long time. I was driving almost an hour to and from work every day and, once I got to work, had very little to do. No one really paid attention to what I was doing, the company was in constant upheaval, and there were so many layoffs every week that everyone was all negative, all the time, no exceptions.

So I welcomed my unemployment, really, and I vowed that I wasn't going to take another job just to have a job. I was really lucky that I had that luxury. Really, really lucky. Joe was super supportive and was more adamant that I was, even, that I not take a job I wasn't sure I'd love. Probably because he didn't want to listen to me complain about work anymore. Hee.

I accepted a job offer a couple of weeks ago and start a week from today. I really think it's going to be a good fit. I'm so excited to work for this company, a local non-profit, housed in a beautiful building downtown. When I started my job search, I had this vague idea of what I wanted to be doing, based realistically on my experience, as well as my volunteer work, but I wasn't sure exactly what I'd end up doing. And instead of just applying wily-nily to any job I was qualified for, I sought out the companies I thought I'd like to work for, stalked their websites, and applied for jobs there whenever they came up. Guess what, it worked! Whoo!

So anyway, now that I have a job, Joe and I can start house hunting. We looked at approximately 10 million houses this past weekend and found a few that I wanted to make out with, and even more that I wanted to barf on. Because they were so gross that barfing on them would make them better. That's not really true. Duh. Then I joined Pinterest and am now obsessed with decorating a house that I DON'T EVEN HAVE YET. Yep, that sounds about right. 

Thursday, July 21, 2011

“If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation.”

So remember all that hail we got during the tornado? OMG REMEMBER THE TORNADO? Ahem. Joe's car was damaged, obviously, because it was pelted by about a billion golf ball-sized pieces of ice, so it's in the shop being fixed right now. It's good timing, because I have another week or so of blissful unemployment, so I can drive him to and from work. It's really cutting into my sleeping in schedule, as well as my sitting around, doing nothing schedule, because I know I have to be showered and dressed by 4:30 so I can go pick him up. Those of you who have been unemployed for an extended period of time understand how it can be difficult to accomplish such a small feat as SHOWERING before 4:30 in the afternoon, especially when you have a bunch of episodes of Friday Night Lights to watch. ANYWAY.

It's been kind of nice, because we're stuck in the car together for at least forty minutes a day, with no internet or TV or ADORABLE PUPPY to distract us, so it's prime talking time. Except that, in the morning anyway, he's still half-asleep and I haven't had any coffee yet, so our conversations are less than stellar. Like, this morning, we had a conversation (I...actually I wouldn't even call it a conversation) that consisted of each of us saying "WHAT?" over and over in different ways.

Allow me to explain. Do you watch Mad Men? Why don't you watch Mad Men? Anyway, Don Draper, he says "what" a lot. See:

Now. Do you watch Doctor Who? WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU WATCH DOCTOR WHO? Anyway. The 10th Doctor? He of The Tennant? He also says "what" a lot, in funny ways. Unfortunately, no one has put all of them together in one video so here:


So, right, our conversation went something like this:

Jennie: [babbling about something stupid]
Joe in Don Draper voice: WHAT.
Jennie in Don Draper voice: What?
Joe in Doctor voice: WHAAAT?
Jennie in Doctor voice: WHAT.

And so on and so forth. For like five minutes.

We found out yesterday that, even though his car was supposed to be done by now, it might be another week or so. At first I was all, "WHAAAAAAAT? NO MORE GETTING UP EARLY FOR NO RAISIN!" but I do enjoy our nonsensical conversations first thing in the morning. So maybe it's good that we'll have another week of them. WHAT.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Happy Nudie Magazine Day Harry Potter Day!

I got a text message first thing this morning from my sister, brimming with excitement for the Harry Potter premiere tonight because A) it's her first midnight showing and B) it's Harry Potter, duh. Just for shits and giggles, I decided to go through my blog(s) to see what I'd written about Harry Potter in the past. Here are some of my favorite posts, which I understand might be really boring for you to read, but it's not like I'm MAKING you read them, so stop complaining already. IT'S HARRY POTTER DAY.

These three are my DOUBLE PLUS favorites:

1. Harry Potter vs. Twilight
2. Harry Potter with my sister
3. How I (kinda) stole my (own, paid-for) copy of Deathly Hallows 

and these are just weird, but still HP related:

1. the one where I talk about my patronus
2. the one where I eff up my tires (this is only slightly related) 
3. the one where I wear hogwarts colors
4. the one where I (sort of) review DHP1
5. oh, the places we'll go!
6. hogwarts, a history
7. worrying about Harry's safety
8. remember right before the last book came out, how worried we all were about being spoiled? good times

You know what, though? You should read these, by Heather Anne, instead. She talks about Harry Potter better than anyone has talked about Harry Potter in the history of the world.

1. I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy
2. Neville!
3. Fictional Playlists: Neville Longbottom

(The best part of compiling these lists was that I got to go through Collective Archives, which is a place more magical to me than Hogwarts.)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Do you like scary movies?

Did I tell you guys about the awesome people who made our wedding cupcakes? I feel like I might have mentioned them, but I'm not sure I talked about how, after we met with them for the initial cupcake tasting, Joe and I left with a total Couples Crush on them. I mean, they came up with THIS. Look at that and tell me YOU don't have a crush on them.

Anyway. They invited us over to their house this past weekend so we could watch movies. IN THEIR BACKYARD. It was great, aside from the bug bites, of which I now have A GAJILLION even though I was wearing bug spray, but apparently applying bug spray was just like the bug equivalent of marinating myself so I was even tastier or something.

Whatever, my point is, I've watched a lot of movies lately, so here are the movies and BONUS also my thoughts about them. I put them in order of how much I enjoyed them:

1. Dinner for Schmucks

Wow, this was pretty terrible, yeah? There were so many funny people in it, including my boyfriend Paul Rudd, so even though I'd heard it was bad, I was expecting it to be at least a little bit good. So, right, this movie is called Dinner for Schmucks, yeah? Well, the dinner isn't until, like, the very end and I think it lasts about fifteen minutes but it feels like eternity, so maybe that's what they were going for? I don't know.

Bright spots: Jemaine Clement, obviously. Chris O'Dowd as the blind swordsman. Paul Rudd wears a suit a lot. This exchange:

Marco the Blind Swordsman: I love to paint.
Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good?
Marco the Blind Swordsman: I don't know.

2. Greenberg

Ugh. You guys. UGH. When this movie, which mostly consisted of Ben Stiller's character trying to win first place in the WORLD'S BIGGEST SELFISH ASSHOLE contest (the prize is a swift kick to the balls), was over, I treated Joe with a ten minute diatribe on how tired I am of all these man-baby movies and, what? Was I supposed to feel sorry for Greenberg? I'm not really sure. I spent most of the movie worried that he was going to accidentally kill the dog because the dog almost accidentally died in his care because he's a stupid, whiny, selfish asshole, which I know I already said but YOU GUYS HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Bright spots: The dog was really cute. Um...

3. Morning Glory

Rachel McAdams is working HARD here, you guys. The movie is pretty bad, but she's so adorable that I didn't even mind.

Bright spots: Rachel McAdams. 

4. There Will Be Blood

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep just thinking about this movie.

Bright spots: Daniel Day Lewis is fascinating. I enjoy watching him do whatever, even if it's beating someone's head in with a bowling pin (oops, spoilers).

5. Cedar Rapids

Cute, if a bit forgettable. I only watched it a week ago but can't remember much about it. Ed Helms is almost stuck in the same man-baby category as Ben Stiller's Greenberg, but he's sweet and he means well, so he's charming instead of insufferable.

Bright spots: Ed Helms. Maeby Funke as a hooker.

6. Black Swan

This was really good but, much like every other Darren Aronofsky movie I've ever seen, I'll probably never watch it again. Also, I couldn't help but compare it to Center Stage the entire time, which I'm sure Joe enjoyed immensely.

Bright spots: Crazy costumes! Dancing! A skeevy Frenchman!

7. Horrible Bosses

This was not a good movie, really, but I still enjoyed it. The three leads are so fun to watch, and I could watch Charlie Day rage-scream all day long. Still, I thought it would be a lot funnier than it was. I only LOLed a few times.

Bright spots: The cast was pretty spot-on. Charlie Day. There's a character named Motherfucker Jones, which I cannot stop saying.

8. Scream

Joe had never seen this, so I made him watch it. Scream came out when I was in high school and I've seen it at least 900 times NO JOKE OK maybe a little joke. It's kind of hilarious to watch now because they keep talking about "cellular phones" and how it's weird for a HS kid to have one.

Bright spots: I unironically love this movie so ALL OF IT. Plus, Joe now keeps walking around saying, "DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?" and it makes me giggle every time.

9. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I'd never seen this, so Joe made me watch it. Except, he didn't really MAKE me watch it because HELLO, Robert Downey Jr. is in it, so of course I'm going to watch it. I recently pointed out that I will watch anything RDJ is in, which is why I've seen both Due Date and Only You. Anyway. THIS MOVIE IS DELIGHTFUL. I need to own it so I can watch it whenever I need a RDJ fix because he is at his Robert Downey Jr.-est in this movie.

Bright spots: RDJ, obviously. Val Kilmer sometimes annoys me, but he's pretty great in this.

10. Midnight in Paris

If I could jump into movies, I would jump straight into this one. I want to full on make out with this movie, then buy it some ice cream, and then some beer, and maybe also a pony. As soon as it was over, I wanted to watch it again, which is pretty much the highest praise I can give a movie.


We also watched some really shitty Netflix Instant movies, such as The Hole (for shits) and American Psycho 2 (for giggles) and they were both very terrible in different ways.

I keep wishing there was something like Goodreads, but for movies. Does such a thing exist? Or is this a thing I can invent and then subsequently make like a billion dollars? Please let me know ASAP.

The next movie on the agenda is Harry Potter, Deathly Hallows 2.


Friday, July 08, 2011

The birds, the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder.

You guys, I think Max might have PTSD. See, he's terrified of thunderstorms, right? I feel like this is well-documented...on this blog. But anyway. We didn't have him last year during the July 4th festivities but we assumed that he'd be afraid of fireworks since they make even bigger BOOM FUN noises than thunderstorms.

We discovered that, yes, he is just as terrified of firecracker booms as thunder booms when we were out walking one night (Independence Day Eve Eve or something) and someone set off some amateur fireworks because of course they did. Max stopped for a moment, looked at us in abject terror, and then took off as fast as his little legs could carry him. But he was mostly fine after a bit because they had been far away so they were just little booms.

We decided to walk him around before ten on July 4th, because the real fireworks started at ten and we knew we would never get him outside at that time. We thought we were safe. We were wrong. Because some jackhole in the block of condos next to us set off a huge, esplodey firework just as we had Max to that point. Oh my god, you guys, I thought he was going to reach light speed, such was his haste to get back inside. We couldn't even get him to pee, which was a problem, because we have him on a very strict pee and poo schedule. We talk about Max's poop (or lack thereof) at least five times a day. It's weird. Such is the joy of pet ownership. Anyway.

I tried to take him on another walk that night, after the fireworks were over, but he would barely come out the front door. He went out long enough to pee and then he raced back inside like there were bombs falling outside, which I guess maybe he thought there were? I felt so bad, though! He looked so sad and pathetic so I just gave him extra treats and cuddles.

I thought that would be the end of it, but every night we walk him around nine o'clock, which is the same time he almost got blown up in a firecracker. We try to take him on the usual path, and it happens to be the same path we took him on the night of July 4th. I thought this would be no problem. I mean, dogs don't really have long memories, right? But he won't even go that way! He will during the day, he's fine, but he refuses to walk that way at night. Do you think he thinks there will be another FIRECRACKER BOOM EXPLOSION? But yeah, that's how he got PTSD.

This is (very) slightly related, but I'm trying to convince Joe that we need to get a pet pig. He was all, "we can get a pet pig after we have a baby," but I think he's just saying that because he hopes that if I have a cute baby, I won't want a cute pig but that's not true at all because I'll probably just want a cute pig even MORE because a pig (probably) won't pee and poop on me, PLUS BONUS it will make adorable oinking noises AND will have a curly tail. If I get a baby with a tail, I'm gonna be pissed.

But my point is (I guess) that it should go: Dog, Pig, Baby. Like, obviously, you get a dog before you have a baby because you have to make sure you can keep another living thing (besides yourself) alive. But I think you should get a pig between the dog and the baby because a pig is a pet like a dog but it's pink and hairless like a baby so it's the perfect transition between a dog and baby. I mean, it's practically a baby. It's a practice baby! Anyway, I think Joe's just worried that if I get a pig, why would I want a baby? Actually, that's a really valid point.

Whatever. Did you know you can adopt pigs from Petfinder? Don't tell Joe.