Long Story Short

oh the weather outside is weather

2012-01-30T21:18:00.001-05:00

Do you ever think about what a miracle it is that you're you? I don't mean to get all college freshman on you. There will be no, "what does it all mean?" nonsense or anything like that. But do you ever just sit and breathe and think about all of the little things that have to happen in order for you to be sitting there breathing? And that, quicker than anything, The Universe can just be like POOF YOU'RE DEAD, just because one of those little things maybe stopped happening?

I found a picture of my Grandma in my purse the other day. I forgot it was in there, slipped into a tiny pocket, but when I found it, I remembered putting it there. Joe and I were almost done packing, getting ready to move out of the condo Grandma had lived in before she went to the nursing home, when I found a tiny picture of her, hidden away in the basket we kept extra keys in. I didn't know where to put it, everything we owned was in boxes, and I didn't want to lose it or for it to get damaged, so I slipped it into the safest pocket in my purse, tucked away to be found later.

My parents and aunts and uncles are selling Grandma's condo now, of course. There's no one else to live in it. Joe and I were only staying there until we found a permanent place to live. The condo's been painted and they've installed new carpet and cleaned everything from top to bottom. I've avoided going to see it. I'm sure it looks very nice, but I'd rather remember it as Grandma's. Joe and I didn't really change much more than the artwork when we moved in (it being only a temporary arrangement), aside from adding a few pieces of our own furniture, and even though we lived there for over a year, it never felt like anything other than Grandma's. Like we were squatters and at any moment, Grandma was going to come home and ask what the hell we were doing in her house. Only she would have never done that. She'd have been glad to have the company, would have sat on the sofa next to me, maybe stolen the TV remote to turn on the Hallmark channel.

My mom sent me the condo listing today, which makes the fact that it's going to be gone all the more real. I'm surprised at how much it's bothering me. I was so ready to move out when we bought our house but liked knowing that the condo was still there, still looking just like it did when Grandma left, except for, you know, empty. And now it's for sale and it WILL sell, probably quite quickly, and it feels like the last tangible connection to Grandma will soon be gone. I didn't know it would make me this sad. Grief is so weird.

Dude, I am so depressing. I'm sorry. Let's talk about something else. Like the weather. It was freezing just last week, but it's supposed to be 60 tomorrow. This winter has been crazy confusing. I can't keep track of what month it is. I go outside and it feels like April, but the calendar tells me it's only January. Not that I'm complaining, it's just that my brain can only handle so much confusion. This weather might be the thing that sends me over the edge. Who knew that's all it would take?

I don’t need to know which Dracula I am to be a Dracula. Nerd.

2012-01-16T20:55:00.000-05:00

On a fairly regular basis, I get Colin Meloy's song, Dracula's Daughter, stuck in my head on constant loop.

Which is kind of weird but not really THAT weird, especially compared to a lot of other things that get stuck in my brain. But, to Joe's chagrin, when I get a song stuck in my head, I must sing it constantly until it's no longer stuck in my head, which can take a long, long time. Worse still, I usually only get one or two lines of a particular song stuck in my head, which means I sing that one line over and over and over until someone's brain explodes (SPOILER ALERT: usually it's Joe's). One of the first fights we ever had was when I wouldn't stop singing, like, half a line from No You Girls by Franz Ferdinand. I mean, I sang this line every two minutes FOR HOURS, until he finally snapped and screamed, "OH MY GOD STOP SINGING STOP SINGING STOP SINGING FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY," and I got mad at him because WHATEVER, I was just EXPRESSING MYSELF LIKE MADONNA TOLD ME TO.

Anyway. So I was thinking about Dracula's Daughter the other day but instead of singing the song, I asked Joe if he knew that Dracula actually had five daughters. He didn't know that, can you believe it? And I don't think he believed me when I told him, so he asked their names, which are, as everyone knows: Corey (short for Cordelia), Annie, Felicia, Victoria, and Nicole. Duh. And, you guys, I still don't think he believed me because he kept asking me their names, like he was trying to trick me and see if I still remembered them. As if I could ever forget!

And then! He was asking me for a bunch of personal information, like how old they are and where they live and their last names, which is really none of his business, you know? I told him that Victoria, at 837 years, is the oldest but I wasn't sure how old the others were because I'm only friends with Victoria. He still didn't believe me. Like I couldn't be friends with a vampire, PUH-LEASE.

I finally had to tell him that Victoria and I met a long time ago on an X-Files AOL forum and he was all, "Oh, Victoria THE VAMPIRE likes The X-Files?" and I was like, "No, she LOVES The X-Files," and he was like, "What's her favorite episode?" and I said, "Pusher," and he was like, "Oh, what, is that YOUR favorite episode?" and I said, "NO, JERK," and he was all, "Well, then what's your favorite episode," and I was like, "Bad Blood, OBVIOUSLY," and he was like, "Oh, of course, it's about VAMPIRES," and I was like, "Also, Sheriff 'Hotpants' Luke Wilson."

(Sidebar: Remember when Luke Wilson used to be super mega hot? I MEAN, SWEET LORD. I always forget how much I love him until I'm watching something he's in. For serious, you guys. I owned Home Fries on VHS (WRITTEN BY X-FILES WRITER VINCE GILLIGAN) which...that doesn't even count as embarrassing, I love that movie. Anyway.)

And yet Joe wouldn't let it drop. "Oh, what are their names again?" he'd ask, and I'd sigh heavily and repeat them: Corey (short for Cordelia), Annie, Felicia, Victoria, and Nicole. UGH. He wouldn't let up about their last names, I guess since Dracula doesn't have a last name, or if he does, it's like...The Vampire, or something. I finally gave in and patiently explained that they don't have just one last name. They have to change it every twenty years or so. Then he wanted to know if I'd ever met Victoria (or her sisters) in real life and when I said no, he scoffed (!), as if I need to meet people in real life to be friends with them. I mean, EARTH TO JOE, like, have you ever heard of the INTERNET? And anyway, Victoria lives too far away to go visit all wily-nily. I couldn't be wily OR nily if I were ever to visit Dracula's daughters, they eat wily-nily FOR BREAKFAST. Joe's final question was where the sisters live, like it's not totally obvious that they have to move all the time once they've eaten too many people. Honestly. It's like he's never met a vampire before.

Love is a Mix Tape review: CBR4

2012-01-10T20:56:00.000-05:00

I'm having a really hard time reviewing Love is a Mix Tape and I can't figure out why. Maybe it's because this book was as near to perfect as I could ever hope. Or maybe it's because, as anyone who is familiar with the late 90s tour de force Playing by Heart (all 10 of you) knows, talking about love is like dancing about architecture. I don't know if that's true or not, because Rob Sheffield talks about love just fine. Maybe he has a dance about The Sears Tower, too, and that's what his next book is about. Fingers crossed.

When I "met" my husband on Match.com, we spent a week emailing each other before meeting in person. We spent most of our first date talking about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, David Sedaris, and Rushmore. It's how we bonded, how we got to know each other and I think that's true of so many of our generation, especially now that the Internet, home to All Pop Culture Knowledge Ever, exists in such a way that we can access any aspect of pop culture at ANY TIME. Did you forget how Alex Mack got her superpowers? Wikipedia has the answer. Want to know how many companions The Doctor has had? Easy. Well, sort of. My point is (if I have to have one), it's all pop culture all the time in our house. My husband and I are still finding random bits of pop culture (POP POP) to bond over. It's why we recently purchased Hey, Dude and honestly, it's akin to a secret language at this point, our ability to converse in movie and TV quotes, quotes that have mated with other quotes and given birth to brand-new-baby quotes at this point, leading to inside jokes that even we don't really understand anymore and yet still never fail to make us laugh.

This was true of Rob and Renee in Love is a Mix Tape, only replace movies with music. I had no idea what Love is a Mix Tape was about when I picked it up, which is weird because someone bought it for me BECAUSE IT WAS ON MY WISHLIST. Most likely I'd heard good things about it (for good reason) and put it on my wishlist, or I was drunk online-window shopping again. The world may never know. Anyway, I didn't even know this was a memoir until I started reading it and thought, "Hey, the main character's name is Rob, just like the author's! Oh, and the cover says memoir on it." Duh-DOY.

Rob Sheffield is a writer for Rolling Stone and knows more about music than anyone in the world (I'm assuming). Love is a Mix Tape was published in 2007, which means, as usual, that I am super late to the party, a party that probably had the most epic mix tape imaginable. The story begins with Rob, freshly widowed, sitting in his apartment, listening to a mix tape, and missing the hell out of his wife, Renee. Objects that remind him of her litter the apartment. He doesn't actually say outright that she's died, not right away. In fact, at first, I thought he was reminiscing about an ex-girlfriend. And while it's true that I'm not very observant, I think the reveal is spectacularly done.

Each chapter of Rob's memoir begins with a mix tape that leads the way into the narrative. Stories throughout the book flash back to before Renee died, how the two met and came to be married, to her death and the days and years afterward. It's heartbreaking and funny and I was not only in awe that a person could make it through something so terrible with such wit and humor intact, but it made me wish I'd known Renee. One of her favorite movies, after all, was The Cutting Edge and I think I've already made it obvious that I have a soft spot for wonderawful 90s movies.

Having read this, I'm adding Talking to Girls About Duran Duran: One Man's Quest for True Love and a Cooler Haircut to my Wishlist immediately. Five stars all around!

I hope I never win the lottery, THANKS A LOT ALANIS

2012-01-05T18:41:00.000-05:00

I recently said these words out loud and I was not exaggerating or being ironic or anything but especially I wasn't being ironic because I grew up listening to Alanis Morissette and so I'll never know what ironic means. ANYWAY here is what I said: "My routine is broken...I'll have to start over." Joe was immediately all, "OK, Abed," which...whatever, TRUE.

I took this assessment at work a while ago called the Kolbe (you can take it, too, if you have $50 lying around that you'd rather spend on a test and not on booze or videogames or whatever it is you kids do nowadays) and it told me a lot of stuff I already know SUCH AS:

I like to make lists and spreadsheets
I'm super organized but also procrastinate like hell
I like to plan things
I like to come up with ideas and new projects but not follow through on them or do any of the work myself (uh-DUH, please see all of my deserted blog projects for evidence)

It wasn't all that enlightening but I do enjoy taking these kinds of tests. I've taken the Myers-Briggs like 25 times over the course of the years and I always get the same thing: INTJ. Here. I'll prove it. I'll take it right now.

Nah, I didn't really take it. I thought about it, though. And then I watched Paul Rudd dancing gifs instead. It was way better. See?

In other news, last night I had a dream that Jeff Winger got mad at me because, while strolling around Greendale, I told him that I thought Timothy Olyphant was handsomer than him. Because my brain is a place where Jeff Winger The Fictional Character coexists with Timothy Olyphant The Actual Person and is jealous of him. Anyway, Jeff Winger spent the rest of the day alternating between making sad, puppy dog eyes at me and then glaring at me and shouting, "HE IS NOT HANDSOMER." I'm pretty proud of my brain for knowing that that's exactly how Jeff Winger would react. Also, apparently my brain is so sad about the Community hiatus that it's making up its own episodes of Community when I fall asleep and YOU GUYS I'M TOTALLY OK WITH THAT. My brain could be dreaming about anything. Killer pandas. Penguins who can talk. ROBERT DOWNEY JR. The other night I flew around Hogwarts. Not on a broom, but like Peter Pan, only I didn't need magic or fairy dust, which is a shame because if I was going to look for magic and fairy dust, I'd head straight to Hogwarts first. But no, my brain takes me to Greendale way more often than Hogwarts, which means that my brain thinks that Greendale is more magic than A SCHOOL FOR WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY. Well played, brain. Well played.

so far, I see no problem with shopping under the influence

2012-01-03T21:40:00.001-05:00

You may have seen recently, like, all over the internet that a lot of people apparently shop online while intoxicated. I was at first flabbergasted (my gasted was flabbered, I dare say!) until I remembered the time in college I stumbled home from the bar and almost ordered the entire Time Life 60s Greatest Hits compilation. I had my credit card in hand, I did, before I realized I should probably hang up the phone.

This wasn't the first time I'd been tempted. I usually stumbled in from the bar around 4 in the morning and, if Charles in Charge wasn't on TV Land, I was forced to watch the only thing available...infomercials. Luckily, these were the dark days before the invention of the Snuggie or the PedEgg, so I was hardly ever tempted, but when I heard the tender crooning of The Temptations and those Beach Boys harmonizing all over the place, all I wanted was to own each and every CD in that Time Life collection.

It never occurred to me that I could jump on Napster or Kazaa or whatever we were using for piracy at the time, oh no, I needed that fancy box set. I'd already started clearing a space on one of my shelves so I knew I had room. I picked up the phone and, after several misdials (800 numbers are long, you guys!), I navigated my way through the robot-voiced menu and was finally speaking to a Time Life representative. She was so nice! And I was in luck, they had the compilation in stock! All I had to do was give her my credit card number! I dug through my purse, unearthing gum wrappers and receipts and a half-eaten granola bar. But I finally found it. It was at that point that I asked how much it all cost.

"Just four easy payments of $59.99!" my friend replied. I hung up immediately, narrowly avoiding overdrawing my bank account.

And, hell, dialing a phone and operating the automated menu required a lot more concentration than clicking a few buttons on Amazon, especially if your username, password, address, and credit card information are already saved in there. In fact, it's almost too easy to buy things nowadays, no matter where you are, whether it's from your computer, smartphone, iPad, or whatever other crazy spacetime device they come out with next, and so I'm glad my heavy drinking days seem to (mostly) be behind me. I say mostly because I'm an adult, dammit, and I'll make bad decisions if I want to.

For instance, this past New Year's Eve, I had a few too many cocktails and allowed, NO, ENCOURAGED Joe to buy both Hey, Dude and The Secret World of Alex Mack from Amazon. I don't know how this happened. One moment, Joe was asking, "Did you know Hey, Dude is on DVD?" and the next thing I knew, I was screaming at him to, "BUY IT BUY IT JUST BUY IT ALREADY."

This is unlike me. I'm always the Scrooge in these situations. I can talk myself out of buying almost anything, whether it's something shiny that I want, like a fancy, new camera, or something I actually need, like, I don't know, new bras. To be fair, though, replacing all of your bras is probably more expensive than a lot of fancy cameras. It's painful to spend that much money on something most people are never even going to see, which is why I'm always wincing as I sign the receipt.

But for one brief, shining moment, at the tail end of 2011, I was one of these people. Those lucky, beautiful people, who, the morning after a heavy night of partying, aren't haunted by the memory of drunk texts or one night stands, but piles and piles of brown boxes stacked high on their porches.

CBR4 Review #1: Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton

2012-01-02T12:44:00.000-05:00

My first review is up at Cannonball Read!

Take a look, you know, if you like reading about books and stuff.

make a little birdhouse in your soul

2011-12-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

The week between Christmas and New Year's is so weird. Wow, BOLD STATEMENT, I know. But seriously, what is the point of this week? I'm at work for two days. It was supposed to be three but I got sick on one of them and I'm still a TEENSY bit sick but managed to drag myself into work because no one is here to see how disgusting I am. My old company used to completely close during this week, which I think is the right idea. Nothing of consequence gets done, even if you're at work, because no one else is there so you end up organizing the files on your computer for like an hour NOT THAT I'M SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE OR ANYTHING.

Plus, I just had five days off so it's like my brain has forgotten what it's like to sit in front of a computer for eight hours instead of, um, sitting in front of a TV for eight hours. I KID. My Christmas break was actually pretty busy. My only TV-heavy days were on Christmas Eve night when I wrapped presents and on the day after Christmas because my Community DVDs were seriously begging to be watched. For real. Have you ever seen a DVD beg? It's weird. They talk out of the little hole right in their middle but they don't have teeth or a tongue or lips so it sounds like, "ooooooooooh ooooh oooooh," basically, which I assume means, "WAAAAAAATCH ME, JENNIE, THEN WATCH ALL OF THE DELETED SCENES AND ALSO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WATCH THE GAG REAL FIVE TIMES BECAUSE OF ALL OF THE LAAAAAUGHTER."

So, yeah. Hey, do you want to know what I watched on Christmas Eve, while drinking wine and wrapping presents and making the basement look like this:

Not actually that messy.

Well, it's your lucky day because I will tell you! I watched a Doctor Who Christmas special, an episode of The X-Files (How the Ghosts Stole Christmas), The Family Stone, and half of Love, Actually. I only saw half because I started it toward the end of my present-wrapping and wine-drinking and I fell asleep halfway through. Wow, good story! Aren't you glad you stuck around for that?

But wait, let's rewind to Friday night! Because why not? I met some friends for dinner and drinks IN THAT ORDER and somehow we ended up here:

SPLORT. That was my brain exploding.

In case you can't tell, that is a magical Christmas wonderland of holiday light magic. Some crazy, lovely people in Springfield decorate their front and back yards with all manner of Christmas decoration and then encourage people to walk through. There's a path through the display, lined with sugarplums and gumdrops. Or just a rope. But whatever, my point is, do you feel it? Do you feel the magic?

Not many people know that elephants and giraffes are actually dinosaurs.

How about now? THAT IS A CHRISTMAS DINOSAUR. That I didn't steal. Because that would have been wrong. And because there wasn't room in the car.

Honestly, the rest of Christmas felt a bit dull after that experience. HAHA JUST KIDDING CHRISTMAS IS AWESOME. We celebrated with my family on Christmas morning and Joe's family in the afternoon and it was a magical, exhausting day, notable mainly because Joe and I got each other the same gift. And not only did we get each other the same gift but it was the same awesome gift, seen HERE on the internet and here in our bathroom:

I AM WATCHING OVER YOU.

Not to put too fine a point on it, Internet, but you're totally the bee in my bonnet. Happy almost New Year.

(trying to) let it be

2011-12-21T09:17:00.000-05:00

I can't remember if I've mentioned this here (probably not because I tend to forget to announce important things in favor of, like, talking about Community non-stop), but my sister-in-law is pregnant WITH TWINS, who Joe and I have nicknamed Troy and Abed (see?).

Well. Earlier this week, Julie's water broke, which is a problem because she's only 25 weeks along. She's in the hospital right now, not in labor (I guess they stop it with magic or something?), but she has to stay there until the wee babies are born. Which will hopefully not be for a good, long while. Still, that means that Julie has to spend the holidays in a hospital room, which is just all around stinky. So, if you're the praying kind, please do that, if you're more comfortable with thinking good thoughts, then think all of them! And if you'd like to send Julie a note or a funny link or something to while away the hours, email me and I'll make sure she gets your kind words. Thanks, Internets!

I'm trying this new thing where I don't let myself freak out about stuff. Which is...different and only mildly successful when I get news like the above. When I woke up this morning, though, my radio alarm was playing Let It Be and so I've decided to adopt it as my DON'T FREAK OUT mantra.

Also, I'm trying to stop yelling DON'T FREAK OUT at myself when I'm freaking out. So there's that.

me and my brain are like peas and carrots

2011-12-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

One of the best parts about our new house is that it's way closer to work for me, which means I don't have to get up as early. I used to get up way before Joe and I'd be dressed and ready to go most days before he was out of bed. Now, he gets in the shower around the time I'm drying my hair. This is great, mostly because neither of us really minds sharing the bathroom (unless I leave the cord to my flatiron lying all over the floor, which used to happen all the time and I'd hear a mighty yell whenever Joe would step on it...oops), but also because we can do ridiculous things like sing Backstreet Boys songs together or, like this morning, the Annie Edison Holiday Tradition Extravaganza, which I have not been able to get out of my head since last week.

One morning, I was, for whatever reason, quoting Forrest Gump, as ALL normal people do from time to time. I was quoting this line in particular: "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far...far far away from here."

Then I started singing the Doctor Who theme song and explaining to Joe that a lot of people don't think that song has lyrics but it does and they are: Doctor Pooooooo doctor pooooo doctor poooo doctor poooooo...doctor poooooooooooooo. Or something. I don't know. I don't remember.

Anyway, Joe was all, "your brain is a strange place," and I was like, "what?" because what? And he was all, "how do you go from quoting little Jenny from Forrest Gump, praying in a field, to singing INSANE lyrics to Doctor Who?" and I was like, "I don't know, it's easy."

My brain is a place where The Doctor runs rampant with his new companion, Annie Edison, where Coach Taylor gives me daily pep talks, where Kelly Kapoor gives me fashion advice in the mean-girlest way possible. Movie and TV references zip around, smacking all up into each other until they spill out of my mouth FOR NO RAISIN. It's sort of like Community, if Community was terrible and made no sense. At any given moment, my brain sounds like this:

Why do people put those giant inflatable decorations in their yards? I hate them. Especially Frosty the Snowman. I really hate Frosty the Snowman. His stupid face and his stupid nose and his stupid stupid hat. If I were one of those kids, I'd set that hat on fire so he'd melt and never, ever come back. He is THE WORST. But I guess his hat IS pretty cool so maybe I wouldn't set it on fire, I'd just steal it and set one that LOOKS like it on fire so Frosty is dead and melts in the spring but I'll still have his magic hat. I don't know what I'd use it for but maybe it would bring other things to life, too? Like, I don't know, a stuffed elephant? But a little one because a big elephant wouldn't fit in our house. Except little elephants are mean, I think, because I read about it in The Lost World and it makes sense because little dogs are way meaner than big dogs because there is less room for evil in their bodies so the evil is more concentrated. It's science or something. Max is sort of little but he's not evil at all so maybe he's an outlier? Probably. Phoebe is little and she's pretty evil but that might just be a cat thing. I hope evil isn't transmitted by poop because Max keeps eating Phoebe's poops and I don't want him to be evil. I think evil is probably transmitted by, like, dark thoughts or blood or something. Not poop. Poop is supposed to be funny, not evil.

So yeeeeeah. Obviously, my brain is loud and confusing and doesn't make sense a lot of the time and almost always leads to poop talk, but, hey...whatever. It's home.

I'm probably not going to edit or reread this before I publish, if that tells you anything

2011-12-07T18:52:00.002-05:00

Oh, hi, internet, I MISS YOU. I keep blathering on and on about my high school exploits and I'm sure (sure!) that you want to know what's going on with present-day-me, right? Come! Listen to me babble! It shall be just like the days of yore!

It being December (WHAT), things are pretty busy but I still spend most evenings reading in my pajamas or watching TV in my pajamas or chasing the animals around so we can give them Frontline in my pajamas, so I'm not sure exactly why things seem so busy, THEY JUST DO.

I did get my hair cut. I was trying for the millionth time in my life to let it get longer than my shoulders but I got sick of it and one day, after a long, difficult day at work, I decided to just chop it all off. Well. I mean, I PAID someone to chop it all off because if I chopped it off myself I'd end up looking like this. Anyway. After my hair was short again, I felt much better about life in general which is what normally happens when I cut all my hair off, because whenever I'm feeling like my life is out of control, I like to exert control over things I actually CAN control over so BOOM short hair!

That was a really long paragraph about my hair, which was really just so I could tell you what a little girl said to me at volunteering last night.

Little Girl: Did you get your hair cut?
Me: Yep.
Little Girl: Oh. It...looks different.

BOOM. Awesome. Thank you, little girl, for that self-esteem boost. Seriously, though, I wanted to hug her because how awesome is that? Don't tell people you like their haircuts just because it's polite! Say how you feel! Only, no offense, you're probably not as cute as this little girl so you might get punched.

Other funny things that happened at volunteering last night (some context...during opening circle, the kids are supposed to only talk if they have the Talking Stick):

Little Boy: Talk talk talk talk talk.
Me: Little Boy, do you want the Talking Stick?
Little Boy: Sure.
Me: OK, here you go.
Little Boy: PFFFFFFFFFFT*

*that's supposed to be a fart noise

You guys, I almost died. This little boy is my spirit animal. He is THE BEST.

Lately I've become obsessed with listening to records. Luckily, Joe has a record player and already had a bunch of records, but I'm only obsessed with listening to records that I may have listened to as a child. Records that may or may not include: Billy Joel, The Sound of Music, A Charlie Brown Christmas, Oklahoma!, The Beach Boys, etc. I was born into a cassette tape generation but my parents had a record player and I was enthralled with it. Like, how the hell is music coming from A NEEDLE. MAGIC.

My goal is to find some old school Whitney Houston, the Grease Soundtrack, and Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Christmas Album or whatever it's called. And, I think this would go without saying, I would straight up cut a bitch for a copy of The Muppets Christmas album.

SPEAKING of The Muppets, I organized a family outing to see the new movie over Thanksgiving weekend and it was pretty much my greatest idea ever. Not JUST for inviting my awesome family but because THE MOVIE WAS AMAZING. It felt like a 90 minute hug. I have about a million fond memories of sitting on my Grandma's living room floor, inches from the TV (until I got yelled at to scoot back), watching all manner of Muppet movie. I'm almost positive that had something to do with why I was practically sobbing during Rainbow Connection but it also could be because I have emotional problems. Who knows, it's a mystery.

MANIACAL LAUGH MANIACAL LAUGH.

I'd have to get off the freeway. I HATE that.

2011-12-06T17:13:00.000-05:00

When I got my drivers license, my parents were surprised. I was, as you can imagine, a bit offended.

"Tim told us he didn't think you'd pass on the first try," my mom explained.

Tim was my driving instructor. And, apparently, a total asshole.

Maybe that’s not fair. I've never performed well under pressure, especially in front of an authority figure. I don’t rise to the occasion, no, instead I get very anxious and worry about not doing everything perfectly. Which. OK. That's ridiculous, right? I can’t remember the last time I did anything perfectly. But that doesn’t stop me from worrying. OBVIOUSLY. I worry so much about not doing something perfectly that instead I do it horribly, which is what I was worrying about in the first place.

Note: this does not apply to tests. I kick ass at taking tests. But things like giving speeches or performing at a piano recital? These things make me want to poop my pants. Also, I don't play piano so that might be part of the problem. Obviously, I can do things like taking tests without anyone watching, whereas if I'm giving a speech, um, duh, everyone is watching.

So, yeah, back to Tim, my asshole driving instructor who wasn’t really an asshole. He was actually very patient, as all driving instructors should be, and I can't say that I made the greatest impression during my first driving lesson.

I'd already started taking the official driving classes (the ones where you sit in a classroom and watch terribly sad videos about what happens when you drink and drive...I imagine now they also include terribly sad videos about what happens when you drive and text) and my dad had taken me out driving a few times in parking lots and such, so I was familiar with things like, oh, turning the key in the ignition and putting on my seatbelt. And, aside from the time I mixed up drive and reverse and drove onto a sidewalk instead of backing out of a parking spot, I'd done fairly well. Still, I’d never driven on an actual road with, like, other cars and stuff.

With Tim, though, we were going to be driving on real roads RIGHT AWAY. I was so nervous. Why couldn’t we just drive in circles around a parking lot for a couple hours? You know? Just to warm up! Alas, no, Tim wanted to turn me into a responsible driver, not someone who could execute beautiful figure eights in front of a deserted Best Buy.

Everything went well at first. I successfully pulled the car out of the driveway and out onto a main road. Things started going downhill when I realized there were all these other cars on the road with us! What if I hit one?! I started to feel a little vomity. Then we approached a red light and, in my terror, I asked, "um...do I have to stop?"

Now. Tim's reaction (a patient YES) was pretty good. He didn't make any snide remarks, he didn't DUH me, and he didn't do what I would have done, which was yell, "YES YOU HAVE TO FUCKING STOP, PULL OVER RIGHT THE HELL NOW."

[sidenote: this is why I'm not a driving instructor DUH]

Not my finest moment NOT EVEN A LITTLE. I didn't fare much better with maneuverability, annihilating cone after cone, because it just seemed like nonsense to me. I’d nod and smile as Tim explained what I needed to do, but in my head, I was all, “Stop talking crazy, you crazy car sorcerer! Take your dark magic out of my face!”

I feel like we don’t even need to talk about driving on the highway for the first time, right? I mean, it was basically this:

I wish I performed better under pressure. I’m not sure how to fix it or if it’s something that’s even fixable. Some people thrive under pressure and some don’t, yeah? Some like conflict (oh, I’m sure of it) and some, like me, avoid conflict at all costs because WHY WOULD ANYONE LIKE CONFLICT?

I do wish I could make myself stop worrying so much about fucking up in these situations, because it feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m afraid I’ll fuck up, so I do. It’s not even that I’m not confident I can do these things, it’s that once I’m in the moment, I start doubting everything I’ve ever learned.

For instance, on the last day of middle school, I forgot the combination to my locker. The combination I’d been using all year. It was just gone. I told the janitor that my locker was stuck so he would open it for me. Now I feel like maybe the pressure of high school was starting to loom over me, causing me to fuck up before I’d even started.

Or, you know, I had brain damage.

Now, 13 years later, I can totally see why Tim didn't think I would pass my driving test on the first try. I could barely control a locker, let alone a car. Still. It hurt. And I'm glad I didn't know about it before I took my test, otherwise I probably would have psyched myself out and not passed. But pass I did, and with (almost) flying colors. Conveniently, I didn't have to drive on a road with any stoplights, so that probably helped.

big pimpin'

2011-11-28T09:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Daytonites and Dayton-nearbys,

Do you want to see TRACES at the Victoria Theatre? You should, because I've heard it's pretty awesome. Here, take a look:

You want to see it, right? Of course you do. Unless you're used to seeing people fly around like Spiderman and if that's the case WHERE DO YOU LIVE because I want to go to there.

If you want to see TRACES on December 6, 7, or 8, go to VTA Ticket Center Stage and use the coupon code: jennieb. This coupon code is only good today and tomorrow.

Sorry if you don't live in Dayton and can't see this but not THAT sorry, because, you know, you don't live in Dayton.

Full disclosure: if I sell the most tickets with my coupon code, I get moneys. You want me to get moneys, don't you? THEN BUY TICKETS. Or make people you know in Dayton buy them. Either way.

This blog will now return to its regularly scheduled programming: poop and butts.

FYI, I started this post in 2006, HOW'S THAT FOR NEVER FINISHING ANYTHING

2011-11-23T07:49:00.151-05:00

In elementary school, my favorite gym days were the ones in which I didn't participate. Maybe I was sick. Or I'd hurt myself in some way WHO KNOWS. Whatever it was, and only those with timey-wimey machines can tell us for sure, my mom would write a note saying I was excused from gym class that day.

On those gym-free days, where my mom's signature dismissed me from dodgeball or matball or that game we played where two kids got to terrorize the rest of the class by chasing them around and beating them mercilessly with foam bats, I sat against the gym wall and stared at my sneakers. But on very special days, usually those days when another kid was sickly or injured, we were sent to the gym teacher's office.

I think this was meant to be punishment, but we all thought of it as the ultimate reward. The gym teacher's office was where all the gym equipment was kept, including the giant parachute we got to play with on the last day of gym class every year. This office was deceptively large, almost cave-like, filled with floor mats and hula hoops and those scooty-rolly-cart things and cones and wiffle ball bats and scores of bouncy balls. When I picture Filch's office from Harry Potter, I picture my elementary school gym teacher's cluttered space. Truly, it was her own personal Room of Requirement and on sick days, it was ours, too.

This magical room housed, along with all the necessary gym equipment, one ancient record player and every Beach Boys record ever recorded. I knew about The Beach Boys from Full House, obviously, and also, you know, my parents owned all the albums on cassette or whatever, but there was something special about listening to them on that old record player. The Beach Boys records, I believe, were our teachers way of saying, "sorry you have to clean up all my shit, but at least you can listen to these sweet, sweet beach melodies."

The teacher, before leaving to deal with the rest of our classmates, would give us our assignments, stacking cones or some such nonsense, but instead we'd put on Endless Summer and lie on a stack of floor mats until we heard the teacher coming to check on us. Sometimes we'd get caught and have to go back to gym class. Those were dark times, there is no denying.

This may surprise you, but I did not so much excel at gym class. I mean, sure, I was fine in elementary school. I was one of the faster kids, so although my hand-eye coordination wasn't the best, I could pretty easily dodge most balls (heh) or careen around a matball court with the best of them. You know. If I ever actually made contact with the ball. I mostly just got hit in the face with them AND JUST SHUT UP WITH YOUR DIRTY JOKES RIGHT NOW BECAUSE GROSS I WAS LIKE 10.

I once broke my glasses and got a bloody nose because we were playing soccer and some kid kicked the ball directly into my face. I think he felt bad, but earlier that year I'd broken my own glasses when I fell, face first, off of the monkey bars so, you know, I was used to the embarrassment.

Still, that's nothing compared to the humiliation of high school gym class. The only thing I liked was running, even though it meant I'd be sweaty and disgusting for the rest of the day, because running was not a team sport. But anything else, basketball, softball, even an unfortunate game of football, made my stomach sink. My high school gym teacher didn't have an office full of Beach Boys records, not that I knew of. He was a retired army something or other, prone to screaming fits when we didn't perform to his expectations. He seemed to forget that it was gym class, not boot camp, not even football practice and even if it was, Coach Taylor he was not.

I even had a gym class bully. Nick Mullins. I would sit in the locker room before class, changing into my gym clothes, and wonder what fresh Hell Nick had in store for me that day. Would he throw a basketball at my head, as he'd done the week before? Would he mock me relentlessly every time I struck out at softball, as he'd done EVERY TIME WE PLAYED SOFTBALL? Could I fit in my gym locker, I'd wonder, and hide there until class was over?

I never hid, no, because then I would have gotten in TROUBLE and getting in TROUBLE was not something I did in high school. Instead, I'd go to class, humiliate myself in some brand new way, and risk losing an eye or causing serious injury to someone else. The possibilities were endless, really. So yeah, you could say that I was bad at gym class. It was actually safer for me, my self-esteem, and everyone else if I just stayed in the gym teacher's office and lounged on some floormats, listening to Good Vibrations over and over and daydreaming of a day when no one would care whether or not I shoot a jump shot.

THE SECRET CIRCLE: this is quite possibly my longest, most boring entry ever, but I'm pretty proud of the random collection of gifs I've compiled

2011-11-17T18:01:00.000-05:00

Hey, so let's finish talking about The Secret Circle, OK? Because there are only so many Google imagine searches of "fleas" and "flea eggs" and "how big are flea eggs" that I can handle because YOU GUYS those pictures are disgusting. I did giggle (a Google Giggle) after one search, though, because one of the results was for this guy. LOL, Google. L. O. L.

If you remember (and of course you do!), the last book ended with Faye threatening to tell THE WHOLE GROUP about Adam and Cassie and the love that dare not speak its name. This time she actually does it, so she's less of a threat tease. Faye makes it sound like Adam and Cassie had been intentionally trying to break Diana's heart into a thousand pieces, when that's not true at all! It was completely unintentional! So there, Faye! I mean, she does make it sound like Adam and Cassie had been sneaking around the entire time, groping at naughty bits whenever Diana turned her back, which isn't totally true. Uncool, Faye. Uncool.

Adam gives his side of the story next and tells everyone how they tried REALLY REALLY HARD not to make out but how could they help it? They're 16, pumped full of hormones and witchcraft, OBVIOUSLY something was going to happen. He also tells Diana about the silver cord (sigh) and the vow he and Cassie took to never, ever touch each other or even think about touching one another, lest they hurt Diana in some way.

Everyone (well, most of everyone) wants to do another vote since Faye blackmailed Cassie into voting for her, but they don't end up doing that, so sorry I just wasted the time it took you to read this sentence. Diana forgives Adam and Cassie and tells them that they can prove their love for her by not making out anymore. Diana is a total doormat. As much as Diana and Adam's relationship bores me on the show, I'm glad they at least let her get mad that Cassie and Adam are "written in the stars," omg barf.

Moving right along, Cassie tells the Coven about what happened in her grandma's house. Black John is back, blah blah blah, and he's like a real guy now, just like he was back when he killed all most of their parents. Awkward. The Coven vows to, like, kill him and stuff by having TEAMWORK.

Hey remember that really bitchy girl that Cassie was hanging out with before she moved to New Salem? No? Well, her name was Portia (not de Rossi) and she's just moved to town! Oh no! She hunts witches! And she's friends with Sally! Who hates witches! And who knows who all the witches are! What will happen?! This is stressful, let's talk about something else.

So there are these three old ladies, Melanie's Great Aunt Constance, Adam's grandma, and another one (Laurel's grandma, maybe? Oh, who gives a shit) and they're all taking care of Cassie's mom, because remember? She's in a witch coma or something. That happened to Willow once, I'm pretty sure. Oh. Wait. No, that was a "bookcase fell on my head" coma. I get those confused. Also, Cassie realizes that she can't find her hematite. When she tells Diana, Diana is all, "hematite controls your mind!" Sort of. I guess that having hematite makes you easier to control? It's kind of like on The X-Files when people get infected by black oil but not really because hematite isn't made by aliens.

Everyone goes to Cassie's grandmother's funeral, where they meet Black John! Gasp! He doesn't murder their faces, though, he is just, like, there. And he's the new principal of their school. Yikes. At least he's not the mayor. Anyway. His new name is Jack Brunswick. You'd think that, in order to blend or not draw suspicion or whatever, he'd name himself something non-Black-John-related, like Bob Greensfeld or Steve Pinksmith.

At some point Cassie and Nick get together. It's boring.

Cassie and The Circle go to the old crones (no, seriously, that's what they call them...HOW RUDE) to tell them what's been going on. They get all pissed that these stupid jackasses brought back the man who was responsible for killing their kids (right?) but eventually help them. Sort of. They just tell them to find THE MASTER TOOLS and stick together. OMG DUH! These old ladies are the WORST. Where's Betty White when you need her?

Oh.

Faye, of course, becomes Jack Brunswick's new assistant. Sure, why not. Together, they announce a new set of rules for the school which are basically there to punish The Circle. All of the other students (NORMIES) are really happy because The Circle won't be getting special treatment anymore and...yeah, I can't really say that I blame them. The Normies all become hall monitors so they can power trip their way around school.

No one really understands why Faye is being such a bitch because apparently none of them have met Faye before? They try to get her back on their side by having a Lilith Fair ceremony, where all of the girls get together and light different colored candles and then make out and have pillow fights. Afterward, Diana and Cassie have a trust ceremony but not like the one in Mean Girls. No, instead Diana gives Cassie a box to bury, but Cassie isn't allowed to look in the box. Probably a safe bet. While she's burying it, she's attacked by Black John but Nick and Adam save her because Adam realized she was in danger. Oh, just make out already.

The next day, some of the ~~Hitler Youth~~ hall monitors kidnap Cassie and take her to the principal's office, where she learns that Jack Brunswick is her father. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yikes. That is probably the worst. I don't know because, as far as I know, my dad is not a secret witch coven leader who likes to be evil and kill people and use crystal skulls for magics. I'm not sure, though. Who knows what he does on the weekends?

Cassie has a dream (ugh, enough with the dreaming, Cassie, get out of REM sleep once in a while) that THE MASTER TOOLS are hidden in her grandma's fireplace. So she, Adam, and Diana look there and find them. Well, that was easy. On their way home, they run into Sean (who?) who is out wandering around in his pajamas (not suspicious at all) and they tell him they found THE MASTER TOOLS (great idea, EINSTEINS). Sounds like THEY'RE the real Master Tools, AMIRITE?

Cassie somehow gets kidnapped by the witch hunters (geez, Cassie, get kidnapped more often), who take her to some wooded area really far away. I think they're going to brand her or something? Like, as a witch? But The Circle saves her instead. This whole witch hunting thing, man, I don't know. If I knew there were witches, I wouldn't be trying to kill them, I'd be blackmailing them or recording some of their magic and selling it to TMZ.

Anyway, the coven finds Cassie because she reaches out with her mind to tell Adam she's in trouble and he saves her AGAIN, so Nick realizes that Cassie will always be in love with Adam and they break up. Oh no, no more World's Most Boring Couple, what will I use as a sleep aid now? Sigh.

NOW IS THE TIME ON THE SECRET CIRCLE WHEN WE FIGHT.

Sally tells The Circle that Black John and Faye blocked the bridge to the mainland and a hurricane is coming. Hey! Just like last time! They "purify" Sean (who was being influenced by the evil hematite in his belt and no, I did NOT make that up), which seems to be a matter of just giving him a bath, and elect Cassie as their new leader since Faye refuses to fight with them. Cassie puts on THE MASTER TOOLS and they are ready to FIGHT.

Um. The actual fight takes like no time at all. Cassie goes to meet Black John alone. He wants her to join him. Isn't that always the way? She won't. The rest of the coven shows up. They do some old, awesome spell. Cassie destroys some shit and Black John goes bye bye forever (OR IS IT). Everything is super happy fun times! The Coven elects Diana, Faye, AND Cassie as leader, which shouldn't get confusing at all!

But it's not over! Don't leave yet! We still have unfinished business. Diana tells Cassie to go dig up that trust box (remember?) and inside, Cassie finds that stone that Diana gave Adam that Adam gave Cassie that she gave back to Adam that Adam then gave Diana that Diana gave Cassie's box (heh) WHEW. Remember? Who cares. Diana tells Cassie that Adam is hers now because that's how teenagers act. Like, here, take my boyfriend because of your mystical silver cord. That's a thing, right? Anyway, Melanie and Diana explain that the silver cord means that Cassie and Adam are LINKED and SOULMATES and what is this, Dawson's Creek?

So Adam and Cassie live happily ever after and Diana has to marry Sean or something. Sorry, Diana! BFF4EVA!

The End

Oh, and Cassie's mom (her?) is fine. I know you were worried.

I know I made fun of these books a lot but I really did enjoy them, although not as much as I probably did when I read them 15 years ago. I did enjoy all the GIRL POWER even though there were no catchy songs.

Grace in Small Things, part: I've lost track, I'm just going to start over

2011-11-15T16:31:00.000-05:00

Hi, Internets. Remember Grace in Small Things? I was apparently doing this a long, long time ago and I think I was going to try and do it every day for a year? Maybe? Who knows what crazy plans Past!Jennie had? Present!Jennie is going to move forward with it and hopefully Future!Jennie will not be disappointed. I don't know.

Since next week is Thanksgiving, which, as everyone knows, is the perfect time to give thanks for all the important shit in your life (...and maybe don't call it shit?), I thought starting GiST again would be appropriate. So. Here we go again:

1. I am now the proud (co-)owner of 75 new-old books, thanks to the Planned Parenthood Book Fair, held every year here in Dayton. It is the most magical place, a gymnasium full of tables, toppling with books, books that cost no more than $2. This year, you could pick up a brown, paper bag, fill it to the brim, and the whole bag was only $5. If I had been by myself, I would have stayed until they kicked me out (or ran out of books) but since I had others with me, we only stayed about two hours, IN WHICH TIME WE GOT 75 BOOKS.

2. I ate a late lunch today, which made the afternoon fly by even faster than it normally does.

3. We saw Nancy and her baby this past weekend. The baby is now a month old, so I bought her a present OBVIOUSLY. I bought her a book, even though she can't read it herself yet. I'm so excited to have little kids in my life so that I can be their book dealer. I'm a PUSHER, Cady.

4. I also got to see two of my other BFFs this weekend. Kate unexpectedly spent the night on Saturday so we all went out to a delicious, greasy breakfast the next morning, and then to the above book sale. Later that day, we went to Nicole's, watched Dexter, and talked about Buffy and zombies.

5. Two of my cousins have something devious planned for Thanksgiving and have been taunting everyone on Facebook about it for weeks. I'm very excited to see what shenanigans they've come up with and feel strangely proud that they're both so delightfully weird. I like to think I had at least a small part in that.

FOREVER UNCLEAN*

2011-11-08T16:11:00.012-05:00

So, if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you may have noticed my frantic calls for HELP because GUESS WHAT. Max got fleas! SUPER HAPPY FUN TIMES.

We're guessing it's from the new house because honestly I have no idea where else he would have gotten them. He's on flea medication already but apparently it was no match for our new house and its Duck Head Curse.

Oh, did I not tell you about the Duck Head Curse? Allow me to explain in great detail!

We moved in last weekend, and if that wasn't a clusterfuck then I don't know what is. The movers called on Friday and asked if we minded if they came at 9 rather than 8:30. As it was like 7 that night and we still had a full night of packing ahead of us, we were like, SCORE! MORE SLEEPY TIME! So we packed and packed and packed and then they called again on Saturday morning and were all, "oh, PS, we can't come until 10:30 now...that's cool, right?" And because Joe was the one who answered the phone, the answer was a polite, "yeah sure," and not a stream of creatively combined curse words.

Wow, so I just deleted a whole paragraph that basically boiled down to: our movers were really late. So. That's that. They ended up not showing up until 12:30, which, whatever, once they started moving our actual stuff, I didn't care anymore. Until Monday, when I emailed the company to tell them that they totally effed up our move and that we'd never use them again, to which they basically replied, "I'm sorry that you feel that way but it could have been much worse." No. I'm not kidding. That's not an exact quote, but what the response boiled down to, so I guess my point is, never ever use Coffee Movers (located in Clayton, OH).

But this was before the Duck Head Curse (which I'm getting to, I swear), so I guess we'll just blame that whole incident on pure dumb luck, or maybe we should do more research on movers next time, but whatever, it's over, who cares. Once the movers left, my parents came over to help us hook up our washer and dryer. I forget how this happened, exactly, but my mom found a locked cabinet in the linen closet. The key was sitting right next to it, so obviously I opened it. It might have been locked but this is our house now and that includes all locked cabinets so SUCK ON THAT, PRIVACY LAWS. I don't know.

After I opened it, my mom was all, "what's that?" and I was like, "what?" because it was dark in the cabinet and my eyes were still adjusting and YOU GUYS, the What's That was THIS:

QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!

Yes, that is a duck head. Or a goose head, I guess, as Shari pointed out, but Duck Head has already stuck so...sorry, biology. It's a (stuffed) duck head...no idea where the body is, but every time I open a new cabinet, I expect a headless duck to come tumbling out.

We were pretty sure that the previous owners didn't want the Duck Head back, since they left it in a locked cabinet and they didn't mention leaving it there when Joe called them later. We thought about saving it to top our Christmas tree this year, or mailing it to The Bloggess, but we ended up throwing it away. And then Max got fleas. So. Draw your own conclusions.

Once we realized Max had fleas, we scheduled a flea bath appointment and picked up some Frontline for him (and Phoebe) and I proceeded to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. I spent most of Saturday running frantically around the house, throwing anything I could shove into a washing machine into the laundry room, which I then dubbed The Hot Zone. I've vacuumed the house about 50 times since then, we threw all of our pillows away, and I've done so many loads of laundry and I'M STILL NOT DONE. I think at least the animals are flea-free now, so we just have to get/keep them out of the house. I suggested that we just move, that that'd be easier, but Joe refused. I think he thinks I was kidding but I'M NOT SO SURE I WAS.

Now. If you'll excuse me, I have to go crawl around the house, inspecting every brown speck I find to determine if it's a flea or just a piece of dirt.

*This is from The League. I tried to find a clip for you but just go ahead and watch the whole episode.

you can't just say that you're breezy but YOU GUYS I AM SO TOTALLY BREEZY

2011-10-27T12:09:00.000-04:00

I realized today on the way to work that it was the last time I'd ever be making that drive, and I got sad for a minute because that is my default position when thinking about a LAST [SOMETHING] EVER, but then I reminded myself that my new commute will be, like, ten minutes and cheered right the fuck up.

I keep joking that Joe and I have switched roles, because he has been the one more likely to slip into THERE'S NO TIME THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME mode, while I'm all breezy and "oh, don't worry, it'll get done, it'll be fine." WHO AM I? This is completely unlike me. I half-assed a few To Do lists, but mostly I've just been flying by the seat of my pants. Which is a weird expression, no? How would one fly by the seat of their pants? Do you have to take off your pants and tie them around your neck like a cape? Is that the secret of human flight? IS THAT IT?! I've been trying to fly since I was but a wee thing, all hopped up on Mary Poppins and happy thoughts, and it turns out I could have been flying around by the seat of my pants ALL THIS TIME?

OK, so maybe I'm not completely breezy but I am obviously not getting riled up about IMPORTANT things. We did so much this past weekend, moved furniture and boxes and bought new furniture and painted and the whole time, I was all, "SHRUG, it'll all get done, I'm sure." AND YOU GUYS. It DID all get done. Has all my past worrying (all that list-making!) been for naught? I feel like my world makes no sense anymore.

We've been packing all week, in between episodes of The League (shit is funny, you guys, WATCH IT), and we still have quite a bit of work ahead of us but OH WELL because tonight we have tickets to see David Sedaris. So. That's happening. We really have no choice. The tickets are non-refundable and I bought them long, long ago, before we even found a house we wanted to buy, so go we must, young Skywalker. It's OK because I'm not working tomorrow and, although I'll have to take a couple of hours to sit at the new house and wait on some furniture to arrive, I'm confident that everything we still need to do will get done. Because it has to. And if I have to invent a time machine to do it, then so be it. I SAID SO BE IT.

the not-so-secret circle PART TWO

2011-10-25T12:19:00.001-04:00

Did you guys think I was done with this? Because I'm not. It's time for...The Secret Circle: THE CAPTIVE. So, enjoy, you three people who actually know what I'm talking about. Let's get THIS excited:

You may remember that in the first book, Adam and Cassie realized they were MFEO but decided to ignore it, vowing never to hurt Diana blah blah blah, and also the coven released some dark energy from a crystal skull YES I REALLY JUST TYPED THAT.

Following the release of both the dark energy AND Adam and Cassie's pent-up sexual energy, the coven decides to meet at Diana's to trace the dark energy with some crystal pendulum voodoo magic. The crystal leads them to the cemetery (of course!) and they find this giant mound of dirt busted open, which is probably not good. They find out later that SOMEHOW, their principal died in a rock slide, because that's a normal way for principals to die. Cassie is sure the dark energy had something to do with it and wonders if maybe she shouldn't get the crystal skull for Faye. DUH DOY, Cassie.

Oh! I might have forgotten to tell you that Faye told Cassie that if she didn't want Diana to find out that Cassie and Adam had a tongue party on the beach, Cassie has to find the crystal skull and give it to Faye. This is going to be difficult, however, because Diana is "purifying" it and didn't tell anyone what she did with it.

Cassie changes her mind (again!) about giving the skull to Faye and spends the night at Diana's so she can look for it. She doesn't find it but has a dream about where to look for it. Her dream tells her that in order to purify something, it must be buried in sand, and if that's the case, then the next time Phoebe pukes on my bedspread, I'm going to bury it in sand instead of trying to shove it into the washer.

Anyway. Cassie digs holes all over the beach, looking for the skull. Just randomly. She doesn't try to devise a stratagem or anything, even though everyone knows that stratagems are the shit (see: Amelie). She somehow finds the skull but, as she holds it, she realizes she can't give it to Faye. Doesn't matter, though, because Faye was following her and snatches the skull right out of Cassie's hands. Blah blah more witchcraft. They release more dark energy. How much dark energy is in this thing? Geez.

Nothing bad happens for like a week, other than Diana coming down with a cold right before the big dance. Diana's a total idiot and insists that Cassie go as Adam's date in her place, because she doesn't want Adam to miss the dance and I guess him going by himself wasn't an option? Unfortunately for Diana, all the other girls use their witchy wiles to make Cassie look totally hot. Adam (and every other boy at the dance) is powerless to her charms and by charms I mean boobs. Adam and Cassie make out again (that vow didn't last long) on the dance floor (!!) but somehow no one sees them? What? Cassie gets flustered and runs away to find Deborah, who is playing cards in the boiler room with the Henderson brothers and Freddy Krueger.

She doesn't find them, but she does find Jeffrey Lovegood's body hanging from a pipe, so that's cool. Jeffrey is (was) this popular guy who Faye was after, I think? And he ditched her to dance with Cassie, even though he also has a girlfriend? So the girlfriend and Faye were both pretty mad.

Nick finds Cassie with the body, and soon he, Adam, Deborah, and Cassie are tracking the dark energy through town. They end up at the cemetery, where the dark energy swarms at Deb and Cassie (uh-huh) and Cassie loses the crystal necklace that Melanie had given her. She goes back to the cemetery later, to try and find the necklace, and notices the gravestones of all of the coven parents. They all died in 1976. Diana tells Cassie it was because of a hurricane. A MAGIC hurricane, I bet.

Whatever. There's another dance coming up, the HALLOWEEN dance, which is super special because did you know? They're witches. And Halloween is WITCHY. Cassie tries to ask Nick to the dance but he blows her off because he's busy working on his car because HE IS A MAN. She's embarrassed, so naturally she decides to hang out with the ~~Weasley~~ Henderson twins and they steal pumpkins BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD. Then they go to some Salem witch trial museum because they want to scare people (BECAUSE THEY ARE BAD) but Cassie freaks out because she realizes that all of the murders that have happened recently are JUST LIKE what happened to the people accused of being witches a million years ago. GASP!

I'm tired. Is this over yet?

Cassie finds a black rock called a hematite. It's her "working stone" which...omg, who cares. It's not important. What is important is that she found it in the ruins of a house (Number 13, oooooh) at the end of their street. Later, the Coven traces some dark energy (more?) to the same ruins, and Cassie learns that Black John (remember him?) used to live there. The house burned down years ago, right around the time all the parents died.

Cassie and Nick DO end up going to the dance together, in case you were worried. Were you worried? Don't lie, I know you were. Everyone dresses up in what I'm sure they think are totally "deep" costumes but are really just kind of obvious and sad, like, Suzan dresses up like Aphrodite and Laurel is a wood nymph (heh) or something and Diana as a good witch and Faye as a bad witch and omg all of you just dress like slutty bunnies or something, OK? You're 16.

After the dance, they go to Number 13 to perform a ceremony that will call up Black John's spirit because that's something that sounds like it will end well. They call up four circles of protection around them, earth, fire, ~~wind~~ air, water, (heart!) and do witchy things to pull Black John's spirit out of the crystal skull. They're successful! But oops, Black John goes after Cassie, Adam goes through the four circles of protection to save her (which is apparently a big deal), and then everything is over. OR IS IT?

No. It's not. So. Remember how Faye is blackmailing Cassie because she knows that Cassie and Adam are makeout buddies? Well, it's time for the Coven to elect a permanent leader and Faye wants Cassie's vote. This is a problem because DUH Faye is BAD and Diana is GOOD so obviously Diana should be the leader. Whatever, long story short (LIES), Cassie does as told and Faye is elected leader. Everyone is shocked (SHOCKED!) that Cassie would vote for Faye.

Faye wastes no time in fucking shit up, and takes the crystal skull and most of the Coven to the cemetery. They do some magics or something and OOPS AGAIN (this story is full of oopses) they release Black John from the skull. I guess. The skull exploded, along with some weird, old mound at the cemetery that I guess was his grave? I don't remember. I read this like a month ago.

They realize something is seriously wrong when they see a red, glowy light over Cassie's grandma's house. I guess it's never good to have red, glowy light over your house, especially if you're a witch. They go inside and there's an EVIL red light inside, causing everything to look all weird DUH. They find Cassie's mom, who is alive, but comatose, which really isn't a problem because I forgot Cassie even had a mom. It's a bit traumatizing, though, when they find Cassie's grandma in the kitchen, dying all over the floor.

Black John was there, says Grandma Howard, and he was looking for their Book of Shadows. And even though grandma is dying, she still has time for a story. YES. I LOVE STORY TIME.

Grandma tells Cassie that their family has always had the strongest sight of all the witch families, making them the best, so IN YOUR FACE, EVERYONE ELSE. A long time ago, on a street far, far away except not really because it was the same street they're on right now, all of their parents had their own Secret Circle. One day, a "man in black" showed up, not to erase their memories or sing Ring of Fire to them, but to be Head Coven Leader or something. He took charge, making sure that certain members of that Coven hooked up and had babies, which is totally gross and you have to wonder why those kids would have listened to him. Drugs? Maybe.

Anyway, they found out later that this man in black was not Johnny Cash, but Black John (omg what if Johnny Cash WAS Black John), and that the reason he hooked up certain members of the Coven is because he wanted them to all have super powerful witch babies that he could mold into evil witches so he could control them and be their leader when they grew up, yes, you read that right.

Naturally, some of the parents were like, "oh hell no," (but only the brave ones) and when they confronted Black John about it, he caused the magical hurricane that killed them. I don't remember if Black John died at that time or was, like, banished back into the crystal skull, but Grandma tells Cassie that he's BACK. As a real person, like Pinocchio, but evil. Well. Eviler.

Then Grandma Howard dies, but not before saying something super cryptic that will leave Cassie really confused for most of the next book.

Cassie's pretty upset at this point and decides she's done with Faye's blackmail bullshit. She goes to Faye and is all, "this is your fault and I hate you and this sucks, how about instead of blackmailing me, you come over this weekend to watch Dawson's Creek with me?" and Faye is all, "only if you agree that Dawson is Joey's soulmate!" because Faye is EVIL but then Cassie is like, "OMG FAYE, NO, YOU ARE THE WORST, PACEY FOREVER."

OK, none of that happened but Cassie did tell Faye that she's not going to be blackmailed any longer, so Faye is all, "OH IT IS ON NOW, TINY ONE," and she starts to speak to the rest of the Circle and that's where the book ends.

Tune in next time for...The Secret Circle: THE POWER.

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy and his comic books

2011-10-21T12:53:00.000-04:00

My life is better in so many ways since meeting Joe, obviously, but one of the best ways is that he introduced me to an entirely new (to me, anyway) world of storytelling. When we first started talking, back during that week of furious emailing before we met in person, he mentioned that he read comics and hoped that I wouldn't judge him for it. I was all, "wtf, why would I judge that?" and at first, I thought he was just warning me about his ~~obsession~~ habit of reading and collecting comics, but after this week's How I Met Your Mother, I wonder if the comic book issue isn't just Joe's version of Ted's Annie Hall dealbreaker.

Wow, that last sentence probably made no sense to a lot of you, and for that I apologize, but it's not my fault you didn't watch HIMYM this week.

Before I met Joe, I thought of comics as merely superhero stories with muscly men and big-boobed ladies running around wearing half of the amount of clothing that is socially acceptable. And those comics exist, sure, and I understand why people like the superhero stuff, but Joe introduced me to, you know, other stuff that I never knew existed. It was like magic. I tried Jeffrey Brown, but he wasn't for me. Neither was Watchmen. I tried to read Walking Dead but gave up after a few issues because terrible dialogue broke my brain. But Raina Telgemeier, Andy Runton, Craig Thompson, Bryan Lee O'Malley, Adrian Tomine, I liked. I'm sure I'm missing out on a wealth of other authors, so please feel free to suggest something else I should be reading.

My latest obsession is Fables, a series about fairy tale characters living in the real world. FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. If this sounds familiar to you, it's because there are two TV shows premiering soon that are along the same lines, Grimm and Once Upon a Time. I wish they'd just made Fables into a TV show but no one consulted me, which I think we can all agree is total bullshit. I'm on the 5th volume of the Fables collections (no idea what actual issue that is) and I'm a bit afraid to keep reading at the rate I am, because soon I'll be done and then what will I do? Wait for the next issue? Well, I'm not good at that so I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Moving on.

Here are things I like about Fables:

1. Everything.

I'm going to watch both Grimm and Once Upon a Time because A) duh, fairy tales and B) hopefully at least one of them will be good, in case I finish Fables and need another real-life-fairy-tale fix.

Grimm starts next Friday on NBC. Some detective finds out that he's a descendent of the Brothers Grimm, so takes on the mission of protecting humanity from evil, supernatural fairy tale characters. No word on what he does to the nice fairy tale characters. Maybe he bangs Cinderella, I don't know. I'm a bit more excited for ABC's Once Upon a Time, but that's mainly because Ginnifer Goodwin is in it and I like her. Yes, I'm that simple. Oh PLUS ALSO it's written by a couple of LOST writers, so I'm pretty much obligated to check it out.

Once Upon a Time is set in Storybrooke, Maine (obviously). A bunch of fairy tale characters, mainly Snow White, Prince Charming, the Evil Queen, Jiminy Cricket, and Rumpelstiltskin, live there but GET THIS, they have no idea that they're fairy tale characters! Wicked. Anyway. Dr. Cameron from House is in it, too, but the Wikipedia page is kind of confusing and spoilery about her, so I don't want to say too much. The show starts on Sunday, so why don't you just watch for yourself instead of expecting me to explain everything? Geez.

ANYWAY. I'll be checking both of them out and crossing my fingers that one of them is worth a season pass. But if not, at least I'll still have Fables.

sliiiiide away

2011-10-18T12:57:00.000-04:00

What's weird about being an adult is that sometimes you get excited about stupid things, like when your husband changes your windshield wipers for you. This was exciting for two reasons. One, I didn't have to do it. And two, I hadn't changed my windshield wipers in...I don't want to say YEARS but you guys it was totally years. Like...when did I get my car? 2008? Let us check the archives! Oh, no, I'm sorry, it was 2007. So, if we use math, we will discover that my windshield wipers were REALLY FUCKING OLD. I'm sure they weren't really THAT old, maybe? Like maybe I changed them at some point and forgot? But still. I fail. I fail at life and stuff.

What's also weird about being an adult is that sometimes you get excited about willingly putting yourself in a great deal of debt for the next 80 bajillion years. What's also also weird is that someone will let you buy a house even though you routinely stay up too late on ~~school~~ work nights watching zombie shows and don't shower on the weekends until at least 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

My point is, a lot of things are weird so get over it. Sorry, that was mean. And that wasn't even my point because OBVIOUSLY I DON'T HAVE ONE WHAT ARE YOU, NEW? Well? Are you? If you're new, how are you even reading this because you are obviously a baby and babies can't read until they are really old babies so what's up with that, are you a really old baby?

Is anyone even still reading this? I wouldn't blame you if you weren't. Anyway. We closed on our house on Friday, which I think means that it is closed all over the place, man, there are no open windows or doors or anything in that damn house. It also means that the next two weeks aren't going to be very much fun unless you like having to pack and paint and clean more than watching reruns of Mad Men and if that's the case, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I'm sorry, I'm being really combative today and I have no idea why. Whatever. The closing was odd because the sellers were there and they seemed really nice but it was kind of weird because, like, we're going to be living in their house. Which is now our house, but like, what if we find something weird in a hidden drawer in the basement, like a homemade sex tape or a box of blood slides? I don't want to have met these people face to face if we end up finding something like that. OH WELL, I guess.

I am going to miss our realtor. She's pretty much the nicest realtor ever so I'm thinking about maybe buying a second house so we can continue to hang out with her. She's THAT awesome. And she seemed to like us even though we looked at approximately 75 houses and I'm not even exaggerating, I think we really did look at 75 houses, AT LEAST. That's a lot of houses. But because I am me (who else would I be?), I felt like we had to look at every house we might possibly want because what if we didn't and THAT WAS THE HOUSE. And, you know? It's a good thing I spent so much time obsessively combing the internet for available houses because that's how we found the one we bought, I think. I don't know, I don't remember. Wow, good story, Jennie, TELL IT AGAIN.

poopasaurus rex

2011-10-13T14:26:00.002-04:00

poopasaurus, a photo by Jenlala on Flickr.

I had to sign up for a website in order to take a quiz to tell me if I'm a Nerd, Dork, or Geek (oh, like you're so busy and important) so obviously I picked this username. The best part is, I had to add a 1, meaning someone else had the same idea. GREAT MINDS OBVIOUSLY.

See today's Pajiba Love for the quiz. I got Modern, Cool nerd, which I think means I'm not a nerd at all? I don't know, I'm not a doctor.

O R they?

2011-10-11T14:05:00.000-04:00

One of my best friends had a baby yesterday but, you know, I finally broke in this pair of shoes that have been giving me blisters for months, so I'm not sweating it either.

I woke up yesterday to a text from Nancy, letting me know she was at the hospital about ready to GIVE BIRTH, which she did around 8:30 that same morning. I can't stop thinking about it. Nancy has a baby. A teeny, tiny baby. Nancy is a MOM. How are we old enough for this? I was looking at old pictures the other day, pictures taken right after college and thinking, "who ARE you?" because seriously, who ARE you, Crazypants? Where did you go? Are you hiding in that portapotty? If so, why? I just have so many questions.

My main question is, did you know newborn babies don't HAVE to look like alien gorillas? Because they don't. Nancy had a really cute one. And I'm not just saying that because she's my friend and I love her so I therefore love her baby and have like, ugly-blocking powers. Because no, this baby is just really cute. You'll have to take my word for it because I forgot to take any pictures, so blinded was I by the cuteness.

Once we left the hospital, we were crazy with hunger so we went out to dinner, Heidi, Nicole, Joe and I, and I marveled at how social Joe and I are being this week. We were just over at Nicole's for a Dexter party (Dexter viewing, I mean, we didn't kidnap a serial killer and then stab him in Nicole's kill room...as far as I know, Nicole doesn't even have a kill room), we had a baby visit last night, I'm going out to dinner tonight, AND we have plans for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights this weekend. WHO ARE WE. I think it's because our only other alternative is packing and, you guys, packing blows.

We close on the house this Friday (holy shit) which means soon we'll be really poor, but we'll have a house, so if we can't afford groceries, maybe we can eat some of our siding? That's a thing, right? Sure. We're not moving in right away, though, since we have to paint and clean and hopefully that's ALL because that's enough, really.

That is all of my exciting news. Except for, oh yeah, we also bought Max a hot dog costume.

YOU'RE WELCOME

the not-so-secret circle

2011-10-03T13:53:00.000-04:00

In honor of The Secret Circle books becoming a TV show, full of witchcraft and teenagers and hopefully some Dawson-drama, I reread The Secret Circle trilogy. I was going to talk about it as I read them, but given my track record of excitedly beginning a project only to forget about it halfway through (if even), I decided not to say anything until I finished it.

I'm a little ashamed to admit this next bit but only a little. I reserved the books at the library but some stupid teenagers got there before me and the waiting list was SO LONG. I'm usually pretty good about waiting for things like movies or music or clothes or, whatever, groceries but when I get it into my head that I want to read a particular book, I HAVE TO READ IT IMMEDIATELY. It's kind of sick. Like. I should maybe get that looked at.

ANYWAY. I watched the first episode of The Secret Circle before I finished the books, which was OK because the show is different enough from the books that it didn't really matter. Like, on the show, Cassie's mom is murdered and that's why she moves in with her grandmother but in the book her mom is alive. They move to New England for some BS reason and Cassie's mom is around but totally useless so I guess that's why they killed her off on the TV show. Also, there are a bajillion more kids in the "Circle" in the book than there are on the show.

But, I digress. Since the show is so different from the books and since I read that the show, from the pilot forward, isn't following the same trajectory as the books, I feel perfectly alright sharing the entire plot of the books with you with no spoiler warnings whatsoever. Also, the Wackopedia page is sorely lacking so this kind of endeavor is really important for science and the world and stuff.

Part 1: The Initiation

Cassie is quiet, shy, and on vacation in Cape Cod for the summer. For some reason that is never fully explained, she hangs out with this girl named Portia, who is a total Regina George if there ever was one. One day, they're on the beach and a boy and his dog disrupt EVERYTHING by just walking by. Sure? It's at this point that you should just assume that all of this is taking place in a parallel universe where people don't act like real people. It will make the rest of the series much easier to swallow.

So anyway, the dog hits on Cassie and Portia is disgusted because EW dogs have germs. Seriously, what is wrong with this girl? At some point later, Cassie is hanging out by herself on the beach and she meets the boy again. SPARKS FLY. This guy is running away from Portia's brothers. They're chasing him because he's "different" OH and also one of them has a gun? Whatever. Cassie hides the guy and his dog in a boat and sends Portia's brothers in the wrong direction when they ask her where he went. Then Cassie and the boy share a special moment and almost make out and hallucinate that there's a silver cord connecting them, heart to heart. OH EXCUSE ME, I BARFED.

Cassie's mom decides that they're going to move in with Cassie's grandmother, to the same town and house where Cassie's mom grew up. Cassie is NOT HAPPY and is even NOT HAPPIER when she sees the piece of shit house and her piece of shit grandma.

Cassie soon meets some of the townsfolk, the most interesting of whom are members of The Club, a group that all other students fear for some reason. Faye is a mean girl who tries to set Cassie on fire, while her friends Suzan and Deborah watch. Chris and Doug are CA-RAZY twins who wish they were the Weasleys. Yes, I know the Weasley twins came after them but I don't care shut up. Diana is the Princess of Purity who rescues Cassie from Faye and who has shiny blonde hair. That's about it for her. Diana has two disciples named Melanie and Laurel, who are both pretty boring. There's also someone named Sean who won't be important until later, and Nick...who also won't be important until later.

Cassie and Diana become BFF because of TEENAGERS. Cassie hopes that maybe she could become part of The Club but there's only one open spot, and Chris and Doug's kid sister, Kori, already has dibs. But GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE. Someone pushes Kori down some steps and she dies. So yay, now Cassie gets to be in The Club!

They kidnap her from her bedroom THE SAME NIGHT KORI DIES so they can initiate her into their Club. It involves candles and the beach and walking into a knife, sort of like the initiation scene in The Craft, NOT that I'm suggesting one of these things is ripping off the other, I just think that's how you get initiated into a witch coven. Obviously.

Whatever, so now Cassie is a witch (OK? Never mind, MAGIC) but that's not even important because guess who shows up? GUESS. The boy from the beach! Remember him? The one Cassie "saved" from her bitchy friend's brothers? Yeah. Cassie is super psyched but then she finds out that he's Diana's boyfriend, Adam, who she'd heard about earlier but I forgot to tell you about it because I don't care. Anyway. The point is now Cassie is in EMOTIONAL TURMOIL, where she will remain until the series is over because WITCH TEENAGERS.

Naturally, Cassie pretends not to know Adam, which is a LIE because they still have that mystical silver cord connecting their hearts (OMG BARF). Adam is all, "wtf but ok," because what does he care, he's got Diana. CASSIE IS ALL ALONE. Like The Hulk.

Adam tells everyone he was in Cape Cod looking for the Master Tools but no one points out that Adam himself is a Master Tool. ZING. TEENAGERS! He found one of them, a crystal skull that used to belong to Black John. Black John was the coven leader back in the good old witch-burning days of Salem, and the other coven members hid the rest of the Master Tools from him when he turned all evil. I hate when that happens.

Faye and her cronies want to use the skull right away, even though it's obviously evil. I mean duh. It's a CRYSTAL SKULL. Diana, as the temporary leader of the coven (this will be important later, I guess), says NO, they have to purify it. So they decide to do that, only Faye is a total bitch about it LIKE ALWAYS. She complains so much for the next few days or weeks (I don't remember) that Diana gives in and they have a secret circle ceremony to study the skull.

Things don't go well and some "dark" energy escapes, which, going by my extensive research (Buffy reruns), is really bad. Adam walks Cassie home from the ceremony and you just know it's going to be A) bad news bears and B) totally awesome.

He asks her why she pretended not to know him and she is immediately all, "because I'm in love with you!" and he's like, "omg, me too!" but they don't talk about the mystical silver cord shared hallucination, even though it probably suggests brain damage of some kind. Instead they make out a lot on the beach even though they're outside and anyone would be able to see them and guess what? Anyone DID see them, if by anyone you mean Faye, which is pretty much the worst anyone to see you in the history of anyones if you're making out with your best friend's boyfriend after releasing dark energy from a 400 year old crystal skull. OOPSIES.

Faye blackmails Cassie, obviously, and this is where The Initiation ends. Join us next time when we discuss the next chapter in the trilogy...THE CAPTIVE.

Dun dun DUN.

Channeling Jessie Spano

2011-10-03T12:53:00.000-04:00

Oh, hey, so it's October. Did you know? Because it is. It happened a couple of days ago but it was on the weekend, so you might not have noticed. I about had a full on freak out yesterday when I realized it was not only a new month but that, omg, we close on our house next week. WHAT. NEXT WEEK?

All September, I just kept thinking things like, "oh, we'll be closing in October," and "we should start packing soon since we move next month," and OMG YOU GUYS, IT'S NOW NEXT MONTH HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

What's crazy is that I haven't started packing at all yet. What's even crazier is that I haven't made any lists. Not a Moving Timeline list, not a "Things To Buy For New House" list, not even a To Do list! WHO AM I. I should really get on that, I know, but frankly I'd rather sit and read and try to ignore the fact that WE ARE MOVING THIS MONTH.

What's the craziest is that we are sort of busy, plan-wise, this month already and the month just started. My sister spent the weekend with us this past weekend, and even though I threatened her that she'd have to help us pack and clean, we did none of that. Yesterday, we celebrated my friend's birthday with massages, fried pickles, Irish food, and beer, along with a surprise party later in the day, so GUESS WHAT, I did nothing yesterday either.

I also thought it would be a great idea to buy/get some tickets to a few shows at work this month. One of those is on the Thursday before we move, so that should be fine. Just fine. No, I'm sure I won't be freaking out at all that week because of the THERE'S NO TIME THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME.

Did you see that Joe reviewed Felicity? Because Joe reviewed Felicity. So you should read it.

DEAR INTERNET, this is relevant to your interests

2011-09-30T16:42:00.000-04:00

Last night after work I drove down to where my old job was to meet some former coworkers for dinner. This is like the first time I've ever met former coworkers for anything. It's not because I hated all of my former coworkers or anything, not at all, it's just that I'm usually way too lazy to keep in touch with work people. Maybe I'm getting better at it in my old age WHO KNOWS.

What I do know is that my drive down to Cincinnati last night marked my first drive past the place of Touchdown Jesus's untimely demise (RIP). And I feel it is my duty (heh, DUTY) to inform you all that construction has begun on a new Jesus statue because OF COURSE IT HAS. New Jesus, or shall we call Him, Resurrection Jesus, right now consists of only part of a skeleton, but IT HAS BEGUN.

You may remember that last year Touchdown Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground, leaving only the charred remains of his skeleton behind. You may also remember it as the BEST! DAY! EVER!, especially if you lived in Ohio at the time. It felt like Christmas. Which...if you really think about what I just said, you'll realize it's all kinds of wrong so maybe just don't think about it, OK? OK.

Whatever, they're rebuilding it and they're probably building it out of less flammable material this time (I mean, they have to be, right?) so but, you guys. They are ASKING for jokes. Because you wanna know why?

They're calling New Jesus...

wait for it...

Come Unto Me Jesus.

COME UNTO ME JESUS.

That is all.

No comment.

No, seriously, I'm not touching this one.

I feel like Chandler that time he promised not to make fun of anyone. HORNSWOGGLE.

blah blah who cares: part WHATEVER WHO CARES

2011-09-27T16:28:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, The Universe decided that it'd been far too long since I threw hundreds of dollars at my car, so on the way to work my car broke down. This after I discovered that the coffeemaker was suddenly broken. Just suddenly. For no good reason. Like, it turned on but no coffee came out and yes, before you ask, I had added both coffee and water DUH WHATEVER WHO CARES.

So I bought a new coffeemaker after work because, yeah, if I don't have coffee in the morning, I don't know, the world would split in twain (IN TWAIN) or something. And yea, there was coffee upon all of our houses. Or something. WHATEVER WHO CARES.

Oh, but right, my car! Wait, it's boring, who cares. The tie rod broke, which I guess is bad and could have been REALLY BAD had I been on the highway going all fast. Blah blah blah I had to spend money blah and I guess I could write all about how it was kind of peaceful to sit in my quiet car in the rain, enjoying my coffee, and how later I got to go home in the middle of the day and see Max but then I had to go back to work OMG WHATEVER WHO CARES.

I'm so sick of myself, you guys. Just, like, bored with my every thought and when I try to write something here, I get frustrated and quit because WHO CARES NO ONE WANTS TO READ THIS, especially if I don't want to write it.

I guess I'll post this anyway? What's another terrible post that I put absolutely no thought into? You know? Whatever. Who cares.

What's going on with everyone else? I've been really bad about keeping up with the internet lately.

violence is never the answer except for right now it totally is

2011-09-15T13:56:00.057-04:00

Last week I talked about TV characters I'd like to hug so it's only right that now I talk about TV characters I'd like to PUNCH IN THE FACE. Or babymaker. Or BOTH! Yeah, both. This came up mostly because of numbers 4 and 5 below, because I feel like lately we are always watching either Friday Night Lights or Mad Men. Joe actually makes, like, strangley noises and punches the air (which is pretty entertaining) whenever number 4 is onscreen, flashing his smug face all over the place. But anyway. Dear all of you on this list, I PUNCH YOU IN YOUR STUPID BUTT FACE.

1. Colonel Tigh (and his wife), Battlestar Galactica

Ugh.

Remember that time he got drunk and said mean things to Starbuck? Or that other time he got drunk and said mean things to Starbuck? Or that time he got drunk and said mean things to everyone? Or that time he got drunk and declared martial law? Or that time he got drunk and threw President Roslin in jail? UGH. That guy needs a punch, right in his good eye.

2. Kate Austen, Lost

Hmm, yes, I would also like to throw mud at her face.

This one needs no explanation but I will offer this: she broke Nathan Fillion's heart and for that she gets PUNCHED.

3. Greg Harris, Mad Men

This guy is the worst. I hope he dies in Vietnam. It's hard to say why I hate him so without spoilering everyone so I'll stay quiet but I will say that I cheered and clapped when this happened:

4. JD McCoy's dad, Friday Night Lights

Congratulations, you've won first place in the PUNCH TO THE FACE contest you didn't even know you entered.

I forget his name but he is EVIL. He's like Buddy Garrity without a soul. He actually reminds me a lot of Aaron Echolls but, as far as I know, he's never murdered anyone. Maybe he's Aaron's brother or something. Do you think Friday Night Lights and Veronica Mars exist in the same universe? I hope they do, if only so one day Landry and Mac meet at college and get married and have the smartest, nerdiest babies ever.

5. Betty Draper, Mad Men

That's why her hair is so big. It's full of EVIL.

This one doesn't really require explanation, either. Grow up, Betty. PUNCH.

6. Diana Fowley, The X-Files

I forget where I found this but isn't the internet a magical place?

You might think this one is a little odd since A) the show has been off the air for the last hundred years and B) I think she ended up dying anyway, but NO. I will punch Diana Fowley in the face until the end of days. Although, really I should probably be punching Chris Carter for creating such an unnecessary ~~Mulder-Scully-LoveTrain-Speedbump~~ character in the first place, but he's not imaginary (?) so I can't put him on the list. Those are the rules according to the rules.

Also! I need to add someone to the list of TV people who need a hug and that person is WALTER BISHOP from Fringe because OMG he needs, like, a hug an hour or something. C'mon. Look at this face.

I'm sorry, I can't talk right now because I am crippled by sadness.

He should stop doing whatever he's doing with the vortexes and other universes (note: we are only about halfway through the third season) and invent a hugging robot instead. I actually think everyone on this show needs a hug (I volunteer for all Pacey-hugs!) but Walter the most.

Just call me Sawyer

2011-09-13T01:54:00.009-04:00

So I was in a glass case of emotion pretty much all of last weekend and not just because of Ripley but because ALSO we bought a house. Or, you know, started the process of buying a house because, weirdly enough, it's not like going to the store and buying something and then it's yours. It's more like, you go to the store and ask to buy, say, a chocolate cake for a certain price and then the store is like, "hmm, no, how about this price," and you're like, "well...OK, that sounds reasonable," and then you sign a bunch of paperwork and maybe in a month or two, after some cake experts inspect the chocolate cake you want to buy, you can have it.

We are at the cake expert stage of home-buying, meaning we've signed all of our paperwork (I think?) and just have to wander around what will hopefully soon be our house with some strangers and cross our fingers that nothing is terribly wrong. I think I'm still wrapping my brain around the house thing because I found out about the house the same day I found out about Ripley, so my emotions were like a rollercoaster from Hell on crack WHATEVER THAT MEANS. I don't think it will feel real until we have the keys. That said, I have already started thinking about decorating and I don't even like decorating that much WHO AM I.

I sort of can't believe anyone sold us a house. I guess I've gotten really good at this grown-up ruse I've been pulling for the last ten years because apparently I look trustworthy. I don't FEEL trustworthy, though. I mean, this was happening while we waited for the realtor to gather our final paperwork:

WHAT

Can you believe we were allowed to buy a house? I mean, seriously. Most of the time I feel like I'm pretending to be a grown up. Like, I don't really feel all that different now than I did ten years ago, so it's very disconcerting to me that I'm married and my friends are starting to have babies and I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE. I don't feel old enough to do those things. I don't feel almost 30 but, I don't know, maybe I do, because who knows what almost 30 is supposed to feel like?

My mom said something on Saturday, when we got home from the vet and were sitting around moping, trying not to look at the dog toys littering the carpet. She said, "Can I be done being a grown up now? I don't like it anymore," and you guys, it was like the floor fell out from underneath me because I realized I'll probably feel like this forever. Like I'm pretending or pulling the world's longest con, hoodwinking the world into thinking I know what I'm doing.

:(

2011-09-10T14:22:00.000-04:00

My parents had a dog, Rusty, when I was born and we were total BFFs. I was about 10, I think, when we had to get Rusty put to sleep. My dad vowed never again would we get another dog. Not only was my dad the one who had to take Rusty to the vet the last time, but before he left, I gave him some pictures I'd drawn of Rusty playing in Dog Heaven to put in Rusty's casket in case he got lonely. OMG CAN YOU IMAGINE. I'm surprised my dad was able to take Rusty at all, but he did, and as he drove away, my mom, sister, and I stood at the window, waving goodbye and crying.

We eventually did get another dog. Not, in case you were wondering, when I brought home a "Let Jennie Get A Dog" petition that I'd had my entire class sign, but when I was in high school. My aunt's lab had puppies, like a million of them, and we somehow convinced my dad to let us take home a teensy chocolate one. We named her Ripley because, as my dad would tell people, "believe it or not, we got another dog."

You can maybe see where this is going. Probably. I don't know. This morning my mom called and said it was time to put Ripley to sleep. I'd been expecting it but still wasn't ready for it, you know? Ripley's health had been declining for the last year and a half and lately she'd stopped eating and was having trouble even walking to get outside.

So this morning, I wandered around the condo a bit, probably freaking Max the hell out with all of my crying, and went over to my parents' to say goodbye to Ripley before we took her to the vet. The vet was...well, it was as terrible as I'd imagined, if not moreso, but we all stayed in the room with her when it happened. And it was awful, just awful, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath through my tears, but I'm glad I was there with her.

I'd planned on driving separately on the way to the vet, but it felt right, my sister, Ripley, and I piled into the backseat of my parents' car, the bulk of Ripley in my lap, taking our last trip together. And as I buried my face in the scruff of her neck, I thought of that night, almost 13 years ago, when we took her home for the first time, how she'd crawled into my lap in the same exact way.

And then I cried and cried and cried THE END except not really because I CAN'T. STOP. CRYING.

Excuse me, I need to go cuddle Max.

FREE HUGS but only for imaginary people

2011-09-05T21:23:00.000-04:00

I've been rewatching Mad Men because it's now on Netflix Instant so WHY NOT? The other night, I watched one from the third season in which little Sally Draper is inconsolable with grief, sobbing, stomping her feet, screaming at her family, and they send her to watch TV. THEY SEND HER TO WATCH TV. I wanted to jump into the TV and give her a hug, smooth down her flyaway hair, and tuck her into bed, which is how I assume any decent human being would act, so of course Betty Draper whines and makes it all about her and yells at Sally for being "hysterical" and Don sits there, downing a drink and smoking.

And so here, in no particular order, are five TV characters I would like to give a big hug:

1. Sally Draper, Mad Men

Sally and her tutu of sadness.

Poor Sally. Her mom is Betty, need I say more? No, probably not, but I will. Sally Draper is the cutest, with her 60s wardrobe and little lisp and I guess Betty is nice sometimes but most of the time she can't be bothered to mother anybody, probably because she's still a child herself, but she really drops the ball with Sally. Don's not much better, since he's barely around and when he IS around, he's drunk or drinking or smoking or reading the paper or fighting with Betty. I don't know why I feel like Sally needs all the hugs and Bobby's fine but I'LL SAY IT, Bobby? Meh. They don't do much with Bobby, really, and he's been recast like fifty times, so no wonder I can't bring myself to care.

2. Matt Saracen, Friday Night Lights

I can't even tell you what episode this picture is from OR YOU WOULD CRY FOREVER.

This kid can't catch a break. Mom ran off when he was a baby. Dad's in Iraq and then OOPS SPOILERS NEVER MIND. Adorable grandma has dementia. He has to take care of his grandma, work, do all his schoolwork, he's QB1 (most of the time), and he never complains, you guys, like ever. He needs more hugs than anyone ever and not just from Julie, who only loves him when it's convenient oops that was way harsh, I didn't really mean that. Anyway, every time he has a scene with Coach or Tami Taylor, I spend most of it hoping they'll just give him a hug and if they won't, I will.

3. Hurley, Lost

Don't cry, Hurley. If you cry, I cry.

I think Hurley is actually OK now, wherever he is (sideways-heaven's-waiting-room world? the island? in Heaven doing sex with Libby?) but I just think Hurley is the most huggable TV character in all of TV.

4. The 10th Doctor, Doctor Who

Look at this face:

All byyyyyy myyyyyself...don't wanna be, aaaaaall byyyyy myself

This is the face of someone who needs a hug.

Also, [insert obligatory "I'd like to do more than just hug the 10th Doctor AMIRITE" statement here].

5. Bill Haverchuck, Freaks and Geeks

I mean, come on. If this kid doesn't need a hug, I don't know who does.

Welcome back (Mr. Kotter)

2011-08-31T12:57:00.001-04:00

Hello, new friends, old lovers, and everyone else in between. If you are unfamiliar with this space, I recommend NOT reading anything before, like, 2006. Or maybe even 2008. I don't know, I try not to read my archives at all because it makes me cringe so much that my face falls off and I need my face for my job and living and stuff.

Anyway, I'll try not to quit this blog for a while. At least a month. I would also like to start posting more often. I'm looking at my archives right now and I posted 331 times in 2007. That's almost all year! So far in 2011, I've posted 42 times, which is unacceptable. I vow to post more. And clean up my tags, because they are OUT OF CONTROL.

You know what's scary? And sad? And completely off topic? I heard on the radio that bananas are going extinct. I guess they've been going extinct for a while but I didn't know until a few weeks ago. I keep thinking about it and it totally weirds me out. Fruit shouldn't go extinct. I mean, nothing should go extinct, really, especially adorable animals, but it never even OCCURRED to me that I should be worrying about fruit disappearing forever.

I told Joe about it and he was all, "that sucks!" and I was like, "yeah, it's really sad, but what am I going to eat for my morning snack now?" because you guys, I eat a banana every morning around 10:30 so I don't end up eating my stapler before lunchtime. Stupid world. Getting rid of my snacks. Won't somebody think of the ME?

Dear Fancy Nancy: Happy Baby Shower! PS: Thank you for not making us play games, especially that gross melted-candy-bar-in-the-diaper one.

2011-08-31T10:11:00.000-04:00

One of my best friends is having a baby in October, which is weird for several reasons...one is that I think the whole pregnancy process is just plain weird. Right? I mean, you have this thing inside of you, stealing your nutrients and your energy and growing larger and larger until finally it rips its way out of you and we're all strangely OK with this. Have you ever seen the imprint of a fetus foot in a pregnant woman's belly? That shit is creepy.

(SIDEBAR: I've never actually seen that but I've heard about it. OK, actually, I think that's kind of cool. But still creepy. Hey, things can be creepy and cool at the same time. Case in point: CHRISTOPHER WALKEN I REST MY CASE.)

Two, it's crazy that any of my friends are even allowed to have babies. I've known them too long. I've gotten in too much trouble with them. How are we allowed to be in charge of a tiny baby? I've heard that they're pretty demanding. And, unlike a dog, you can't leave it alone with some food and water for a few hours if you want to go out to dinner. You really have to draw the line at like an hour, tops, and that's barely time to get through the line at Chipotle.

Three, when I'm with my friends, the friends I've had for the past decade, I feel like absolutely no time has passed, and that none of us have changed at all. So we can't be getting married or buying houses or HAVING BABIES because we are 19 years old and yes, I realize that you can do all those things when you're 19 but when we were 19, we weren't thinking about those things, we were thinking about more trivial things, like can you ride a mattress down the stairwell and the answer to that question is YES WE CAN.

Other things you can ride down the stairwell on: an inner tube, a pillow, and a bathroom stall door. Well. That last one makes a better slide, you can't really ride it down the stairs.

But seriously (folks), I feel like we can't have babies because when we're together I feel like I've time traveled to a time when none of us even wanted babies. Or if we did, we figured we'd have them when we were old. You know. Like 25.

Even though I have all of those reasons none of us can be having babies yet, my friend is pregnant so I guess I'm wrong. THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING, AMIRITE? But you know what? Just because we're "grown ups" now, doesn't mean we have to grow up. In fact, she emailed Heidi and I the other day because she was 69 (heehahaha) days from her due date, and she wondered if she had to stop being immature because soon she's going to be a mom. We told her no, she was absolutely not allowed to stop being immature, both for our sakes and her daughter's.

And to prove my point, for her baby shower I got her (and the baby, I guess) Go the Fuck to Sleep, a That's What She Said onesie, and this:

Why, hello, I am a Wienermobile.

Because no. We never ever have to mature. And we won't. Not if I have anything to say about it and what I have to say about it is POOP BUTT BOOGERFACE.

if my brain could throw up, this is what it would look like

2011-08-23T20:38:00.000-04:00

Did you know that you can only listen to 40 hours of Pandora a month? I didn't. Until I apparently reached my limit, which I did today. I thought at first that 40 hours was really impressive but I don't think it is. I have Pandora on most of the time at work, so that's an easy 40 hours right there. In a week, even.

At first I was really worried because WHAT WOULD I DO FOR MUSIC? I found out that we can hear the music from shows in our offices during rehearsals and showtime but there aren't any shows right now. And I always forget my iPod at home, or if I do remember it, it's not charged and don't ask me where my charger is because I DON'T KNOW I DON'T EVER KNOW. But whatever, don't worry (I know you were worried), I paid 99 cents and now I can listen to Pandora for the rest of the month and my limit starts over in September. Can you imagine, though? No music at work? To miss out on the joy that is Part of Your World popping up after, like, Radiohead or something? No thank you.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Who knows. How many times have I typed "what am I talking about?" on my blog might be a better question only probably not really because the answer is DUH A LOT. Guess what we did last night? Guess. I SAID GUESS. No, but seriously, folks, we put an offer on a house last night. I wasn't going to say anything because I was afraid of jinxing it but we didn't say anything LAST time we put an offer on a house and we still didn't get it so I am throwing caution to the wind. Here, wind! Take it! Take all the caution! I don't even want it anyway!

So, yeah, we met our realtor after work to sign all the paperwork and did you know putting on offer on a house is kind of a big deal? Because I guess it is. There's a contract and you have to hand over a check and everything. I signed my name a bunch of times and didn't even hyperventilate once! That will happen when and if we end up getting the house and I then realize we just bought this giant thing where millions of things could go wrong and we won't have a landlord to call anymore. OMG WHAT HAVE WE DONE.

No, seriously, it's fine. It'll be really nice if we get it because there's a giant backyard, all for Max, which is great because he refuses to use the litter box, unless he's sneaking into it to steal cat poop. We mentioned the cat-poop-thievery to the vet when she suggested putting Max on a diet (he's packed on a few pounds...don't mention it to him, he's sensitive) and I was all, "I think he's hungry because he got in the litter box the other day and hardly ever does that," and she was like, "Oh, yeah, he's not hungry, he's just stealing Kitty Cookies, lol. Cat poop is like dessert to dogs." It was an informative visit, is what I'm saying.

Anyway, there was an earthquake today, too, so that's weird. I mean, it wasn't IN Ohio but I certainly felt it in Ohio. We don't usually get earthquakes here but this one time when I was in 3rd grade they were worried about some giant earthquake that was supposed to hit (I don't know the details because I was 9, but it probably had something to do with the Hellmouth being in Cleveland) BUT ANYWAY we had to have earthquake drills and that consisted of sitting under our desks, which doesn't really seem that safe but whatever, I don't know about surviving an earthquake, only about surviving tornadoes and MORE IMPORTANTLY zombies. Did you know this entire paragraph was only two sentences? Well, three now. Four. Five. Shit.

You guys, WHAT is this post even about? You know what the problem is? I started it yesterday morning and now it is today evening and guess what I don't even care, I'm posting it anyway, non-sensicalness and all. For what is life without a little non-sensicalness? Besides more sensical and stuff. But who wants that? I can't decide how to end this but I need to go watch some Mad Men reruns until it's time to go to bed so BYE.

I think maybe Dexter used to live in Dayton, Ohio.

2011-08-13T16:12:00.000-04:00

You know what? Weekends seem a lot shorter when you have a job to go to Monday morning. For like three months, weekends only felt different to me because Joe was home, which meant I (usually) showered before five o'clock. But this working thing? Working full-time, I mean? It's really cutting into my free time. For instance, I started writing this post LAST weekend and this is the first chance I've had to finish it. Although, that's not really true because I watched like three hours of Mad Men the other night but whatever I digress.

We've been filling a lot of our non-work free time with hunting houses. We found one that we loved and put an offer on but...didn't get it. Someone beat us. I would like to beat them. Jerks. But whatever, we'll just keep looking and I'm sure we'll find something. I keep going back to one of the first houses we saw that was built in like 1920 and had hidden little nooks and an awesome basement we could finish and WAS FREAKING BEAUTIFUL and just, you guys, we could not stop gushing about it. But the backyard is small, the garage looks like a strong wind might knock it down, and it's right on a busy street. This is what I keep reminding myself. Plus, we saw the electricity bills for the summer and the gas bills for the winter and HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD were they high. SIGH.

We looked at eight houses this morning and I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit discouraged because we weren't really wild about any of them. Two were OK but we had reservations about both. And my notes on the houses? The notes that started out really detailed with stuff like...I don't even remember, something about the taxes and the size of the rooms and whatever, house stuff? Those have devolved into this:

Which is not altogether helpful but, you guys, this house TOTALLY HAD A MURDER ROOM. I'm almost positive I saw blood on the walls but I don't know, I'm not a blood spatter expert.

"Now, the reason they do that, we think, is because poop stinks."

2011-07-27T11:10:00.000-04:00

I think a lot of people resist listening to NPR because they think it's inaccessible or too liberal or, well, boring. And yeah, sometimes, if I try to listen to it on the way to work, I nod off a little bit but WHATEVER maybe I shouldn't listen to quiet-talking when I'm driving if I haven't had any coffee yet.

Anyway. I feel sorry for the people who resist NPR because they think it's boring. Because, duh, it's not. You can tell me it is, but you'd be wrong, and I can prove it.

The other day, I was in the car, listening to Excursions and they took a break from the music to talk about SCIENCE. Science is hardly ever boring, you guys. Science is messy and disgusting and AWESOME. For instance, I give you THIS. I highly recommend you listen to the audio.

In case you're thinking about not clicking that link, I'll give you a SPOILER. It's about caterpillars who can shoot poop out of their butts, sort of like a poop cannon.

Poop! Out of their butts! COME ON.

Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house and it killed him.

2011-07-25T11:20:00.000-04:00

When I was laid off in April, I wasn't that discouraged. I hadn't liked my job in a very long time. I was driving almost an hour to and from work every day and, once I got to work, had very little to do. No one really paid attention to what I was doing, the company was in constant upheaval, and there were so many layoffs every week that everyone was all negative, all the time, no exceptions.

So I welcomed my unemployment, really, and I vowed that I wasn't going to take another job just to have a job. I was really lucky that I had that luxury. Really, really lucky. Joe was super supportive and was more adamant that I was, even, that I not take a job I wasn't sure I'd love. Probably because he didn't want to listen to me complain about work anymore. Hee.

I accepted a job offer a couple of weeks ago and start a week from today. I really think it's going to be a good fit. I'm so excited to work for this company, a local non-profit, housed in a beautiful building downtown. When I started my job search, I had this vague idea of what I wanted to be doing, based realistically on my experience, as well as my volunteer work, but I wasn't sure exactly what I'd end up doing. And instead of just applying wily-nily to any job I was qualified for, I sought out the companies I thought I'd like to work for, stalked their websites, and applied for jobs there whenever they came up. Guess what, it worked! Whoo!

So anyway, now that I have a job, Joe and I can start house hunting. We looked at approximately 10 million houses this past weekend and found a few that I wanted to make out with, and even more that I wanted to barf on. Because they were so gross that barfing on them would make them better. That's not really true. Duh. Then I joined Pinterest and am now obsessed with decorating a house that I DON'T EVEN HAVE YET. Yep, that sounds about right.

“If you don’t like what’s being said, change the conversation.”

2011-07-21T10:03:00.000-04:00

So remember all that hail we got during the tornado? OMG REMEMBER THE TORNADO? Ahem. Joe's car was damaged, obviously, because it was pelted by about a billion golf ball-sized pieces of ice, so it's in the shop being fixed right now. It's good timing, because I have another week or so of blissful unemployment, so I can drive him to and from work. It's really cutting into my sleeping in schedule, as well as my sitting around, doing nothing schedule, because I know I have to be showered and dressed by 4:30 so I can go pick him up. Those of you who have been unemployed for an extended period of time understand how it can be difficult to accomplish such a small feat as SHOWERING before 4:30 in the afternoon, especially when you have a bunch of episodes of Friday Night Lights to watch. ANYWAY.

It's been kind of nice, because we're stuck in the car together for at least forty minutes a day, with no internet or TV or ADORABLE PUPPY to distract us, so it's prime talking time. Except that, in the morning anyway, he's still half-asleep and I haven't had any coffee yet, so our conversations are less than stellar. Like, this morning, we had a conversation (I...actually I wouldn't even call it a conversation) that consisted of each of us saying "WHAT?" over and over in different ways.

Allow me to explain. Do you watch Mad Men? Why don't you watch Mad Men? Anyway, Don Draper, he says "what" a lot. See:

Now. Do you watch Doctor Who? WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU WATCH DOCTOR WHO? Anyway. The 10th Doctor? He of The Tennant? He also says "what" a lot, in funny ways. Unfortunately, no one has put all of them together in one video so here:

and

So, right, our conversation went something like this:

Jennie: [babbling about something stupid]
Joe in Don Draper voice: WHAT.
Jennie in Don Draper voice: What?
Joe in Doctor voice: WHAAAT?
Jennie in Doctor voice: WHAT.
Both: WHAT? OKAAAAAY.

And so on and so forth. For like five minutes.

We found out yesterday that, even though his car was supposed to be done by now, it might be another week or so. At first I was all, "WHAAAAAAAT? NO MORE GETTING UP EARLY FOR NO RAISIN!" but I do enjoy our nonsensical conversations first thing in the morning. So maybe it's good that we'll have another week of them. WHAT.

Happy Nudie Magazine Day Harry Potter Day!

2011-07-14T11:06:00.000-04:00

I got a text message first thing this morning from my sister, brimming with excitement for the Harry Potter premiere tonight because A) it's her first midnight showing and B) it's Harry Potter, duh. Just for shits and giggles, I decided to go through my blog(s) to see what I'd written about Harry Potter in the past. Here are some of my favorite posts, which I understand might be really boring for you to read, but it's not like I'm MAKING you read them, so stop complaining already. IT'S HARRY POTTER DAY.

These three are my DOUBLE PLUS favorites:

1. Harry Potter vs. Twilight
2. Harry Potter with my sister
3. How I (kinda) stole my (own, paid-for) copy of Deathly Hallows

and these are just weird, but still HP related:

1. the one where I talk about my patronus
2. the one where I eff up my tires (this is only slightly related)
3. the one where I wear hogwarts colors
4. the one where I (sort of) review DHP1
5. oh, the places we'll go!
6. hogwarts, a history
7. worrying about Harry's safety
8. remember right before the last book came out, how worried we all were about being spoiled? good times

You know what, though? You should read these, by Heather Anne, instead. She talks about Harry Potter better than anyone has talked about Harry Potter in the history of the world.

1. I'm worth twelve of you, Malfoy
2. Neville!
3. Fictional Playlists: Neville Longbottom

(The best part of compiling these lists was that I got to go through Collective Archives, which is a place more magical to me than Hogwarts.)

Do you like scary movies?

2011-07-11T12:36:00.000-04:00

Did I tell you guys about the awesome people who made our wedding cupcakes? I feel like I might have mentioned them, but I'm not sure I talked about how, after we met with them for the initial cupcake tasting, Joe and I left with a total Couples Crush on them. I mean, they came up with THIS. Look at that and tell me YOU don't have a crush on them.

Anyway. They invited us over to their house this past weekend so we could watch movies. IN THEIR BACKYARD. It was great, aside from the bug bites, of which I now have A GAJILLION even though I was wearing bug spray, but apparently applying bug spray was just like the bug equivalent of marinating myself so I was even tastier or something.

Whatever, my point is, I've watched a lot of movies lately, so here are the movies and BONUS also my thoughts about them. I put them in order of how much I enjoyed them:

1. Dinner for Schmucks

Wow, this was pretty terrible, yeah? There were so many funny people in it, including my boyfriend Paul Rudd, so even though I'd heard it was bad, I was expecting it to be at least a little bit good. So, right, this movie is called Dinner for Schmucks, yeah? Well, the dinner isn't until, like, the very end and I think it lasts about fifteen minutes but it feels like eternity, so maybe that's what they were going for? I don't know.

Bright spots: Jemaine Clement, obviously. Chris O'Dowd as the blind swordsman. Paul Rudd wears a suit a lot. This exchange:

Marco the Blind Swordsman: I love to paint.
Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good?
Marco the Blind Swordsman: I don't know.

2. Greenberg

Ugh. You guys. UGH. When this movie, which mostly consisted of Ben Stiller's character trying to win first place in the WORLD'S BIGGEST SELFISH ASSHOLE contest (the prize is a swift kick to the balls), was over, I treated Joe with a ten minute diatribe on how tired I am of all these man-baby movies and, what? Was I supposed to feel sorry for Greenberg? I'm not really sure. I spent most of the movie worried that he was going to accidentally kill the dog because the dog almost accidentally died in his care because he's a stupid, whiny, selfish asshole, which I know I already said but YOU GUYS HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Bright spots: The dog was really cute. Um...

3. Morning Glory

Rachel McAdams is working HARD here, you guys. The movie is pretty bad, but she's so adorable that I didn't even mind.

Bright spots: Rachel McAdams.

4. There Will Be Blood

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep just thinking about this movie.

Bright spots: Daniel Day Lewis is fascinating. I enjoy watching him do whatever, even if it's beating someone's head in with a bowling pin (oops, spoilers).

5. Cedar Rapids

Cute, if a bit forgettable. I only watched it a week ago but can't remember much about it. Ed Helms is almost stuck in the same man-baby category as Ben Stiller's Greenberg, but he's sweet and he means well, so he's charming instead of insufferable.

Bright spots: Ed Helms. Maeby Funke as a hooker.

6. Black Swan

This was really good but, much like every other Darren Aronofsky movie I've ever seen, I'll probably never watch it again. Also, I couldn't help but compare it to Center Stage the entire time, which I'm sure Joe enjoyed immensely.

Bright spots: Crazy costumes! Dancing! A skeevy Frenchman!

7. Horrible Bosses

This was not a good movie, really, but I still enjoyed it. The three leads are so fun to watch, and I could watch Charlie Day rage-scream all day long. Still, I thought it would be a lot funnier than it was. I only LOLed a few times.

Bright spots: The cast was pretty spot-on. Charlie Day. There's a character named Motherfucker Jones, which I cannot stop saying.

8. Scream

Joe had never seen this, so I made him watch it. Scream came out when I was in high school and I've seen it at least 900 times NO JOKE OK maybe a little joke. It's kind of hilarious to watch now because they keep talking about "cellular phones" and how it's weird for a HS kid to have one.

Bright spots: I unironically love this movie so ALL OF IT. Plus, Joe now keeps walking around saying, "DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?" and it makes me giggle every time.

9. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I'd never seen this, so Joe made me watch it. Except, he didn't really MAKE me watch it because HELLO, Robert Downey Jr. is in it, so of course I'm going to watch it. I recently pointed out that I will watch anything RDJ is in, which is why I've seen both Due Date and Only You. Anyway. THIS MOVIE IS DELIGHTFUL. I need to own it so I can watch it whenever I need a RDJ fix because he is at his Robert Downey Jr.-est in this movie.

Bright spots: RDJ, obviously. Val Kilmer sometimes annoys me, but he's pretty great in this.

10. Midnight in Paris

If I could jump into movies, I would jump straight into this one. I want to full on make out with this movie, then buy it some ice cream, and then some beer, and maybe also a pony. As soon as it was over, I wanted to watch it again, which is pretty much the highest praise I can give a movie.

Bright spots: YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY ALL OF IT, GO SEE THIS RIGHT NOW

We also watched some really shitty Netflix Instant movies, such as The Hole (for shits) and American Psycho 2 (for giggles) and they were both very terrible in different ways.

I keep wishing there was something like Goodreads, but for movies. Does such a thing exist? Or is this a thing I can invent and then subsequently make like a billion dollars? Please let me know ASAP.

The next movie on the agenda is Harry Potter, Deathly Hallows 2.

:( :( :( :( ALL OF THE SAD FACES EVER, BASICALLY

The birds, the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder.

2011-07-08T18:27:00.000-04:00

You guys, I think Max might have PTSD. See, he's terrified of thunderstorms, right? I feel like this is well-documented...on this blog. But anyway. We didn't have him last year during the July 4th festivities but we assumed that he'd be afraid of fireworks since they make even bigger BOOM FUN noises than thunderstorms.

We discovered that, yes, he is just as terrified of firecracker booms as thunder booms when we were out walking one night (Independence Day Eve Eve or something) and someone set off some amateur fireworks because of course they did. Max stopped for a moment, looked at us in abject terror, and then took off as fast as his little legs could carry him. But he was mostly fine after a bit because they had been far away so they were just little booms.

We decided to walk him around before ten on July 4th, because the real fireworks started at ten and we knew we would never get him outside at that time. We thought we were safe. We were wrong. Because some jackhole in the block of condos next to us set off a huge, esplodey firework just as we had Max to that point. Oh my god, you guys, I thought he was going to reach light speed, such was his haste to get back inside. We couldn't even get him to pee, which was a problem, because we have him on a very strict pee and poo schedule. We talk about Max's poop (or lack thereof) at least five times a day. It's weird. Such is the joy of pet ownership. Anyway.

I tried to take him on another walk that night, after the fireworks were over, but he would barely come out the front door. He went out long enough to pee and then he raced back inside like there were bombs falling outside, which I guess maybe he thought there were? I felt so bad, though! He looked so sad and pathetic so I just gave him extra treats and cuddles.

I thought that would be the end of it, but every night we walk him around nine o'clock, which is the same time he almost got blown up in a firecracker. We try to take him on the usual path, and it happens to be the same path we took him on the night of July 4th. I thought this would be no problem. I mean, dogs don't really have long memories, right? But he won't even go that way! He will during the day, he's fine, but he refuses to walk that way at night. Do you think he thinks there will be another FIRECRACKER BOOM EXPLOSION? But yeah, that's how he got PTSD.

This is (very) slightly related, but I'm trying to convince Joe that we need to get a pet pig. He was all, "we can get a pet pig after we have a baby," but I think he's just saying that because he hopes that if I have a cute baby, I won't want a cute pig but that's not true at all because I'll probably just want a cute pig even MORE because a pig (probably) won't pee and poop on me, PLUS BONUS it will make adorable oinking noises AND will have a curly tail. If I get a baby with a tail, I'm gonna be pissed.

But my point is (I guess) that it should go: Dog, Pig, Baby. Like, obviously, you get a dog before you have a baby because you have to make sure you can keep another living thing (besides yourself) alive. But I think you should get a pig between the dog and the baby because a pig is a pet like a dog but it's pink and hairless like a baby so it's the perfect transition between a dog and baby. I mean, it's practically a baby. It's a practice baby! Anyway, I think Joe's just worried that if I get a pig, why would I want a baby? Actually, that's a really valid point.

Whatever. Did you know you can adopt pigs from Petfinder? Don't tell Joe.

My own personal Avengers

2011-06-13T12:11:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I spent most of my day wishing I was best friends with some fictional person or another. I spend the rest of the day wondering which fictional characters I would want on my side in a fight. Not just a fight fight, like with general fisticuffs and whatnot, but a fight with an alien or a vampire or GOD FORBID a battle with a rising zombie army. I mean, sure, I would love to hang out with Bridget Jones or Jo March but I don't think either one of them is going to be that great at helping me kill a werewolf. I think Jo would be game and would probably put a lot of effort into it, but I'm not sure that, between the two of us (Bridget, obviously, would be cowering under a table somewhere, clutching a bottle of vodka), we'd be able to overpower and defeat a werewolf. Maybe a regular wolf, a wereless wolf, but a werewolf? We'd get out throats ripped out.

That's why I've been gathering fictional fighters for my own personal protection squad. These are not necessarily people I'd want to hang out with in my spare time (ahemBUFFY), although I would LOVE to hang out with some of them in, like, all of my spare time (ahemTHE DOCTOR) but ANYWAY, my point is, I think all of them would be able to protect me from zombies, and really, isn't that all you want out of your ~~friends~~ bodyguards? Yes. Besides, despite even my most logical arguments, Joe won't let me get a gun so I can protect us during the inevitable zombie apocalypse that is probably going to happen any second now, so this personal protection squad is totally necessary until Joe caves.

Starbuck

Pros: Is a badass, knows how to use a lot of different weapons, can come back from the dead (or something)

Cons: Is drunk all the time

Hermione Granger

Pros: Knows all the magic, cool under pressure

Cons: Is usually pretty busy saving Ron and Harry

Buffy Summers

Pros: Can protect against vampires and other demony things

Cons: So whiny

Ellen Ripley

Pros: Will come in handy if the scariest aliens ever attack Earth

Cons: Is dead, I think? I can't remember what happened in the last movie(s).

Batman

Pros: Has lots of gadgets, cool car, own sidekick, is a self-made superhero TAKE THAT SUPERMAN

Cons: Has that weird, growly voice thing going on right now

Fox Mulder

Pros: Has seen a lot of crazy shit, knows about paranormally things, I would probably get to hang out with Scully, too

Cons: Drops his gun all the time, has tendency to die a lot

The Doctor

Pros: has a sonic screwdriver, comes with a variety of companions PLUS sexy TARDIS, can regenerate if necessary
Cons: NONE

DEAR SELF, STOP NOT-BLOGGING ALL THE DAMN TIME

2011-06-06T18:33:00.000-04:00

Oh hi! So I see I forgot to blog again for a bajillion years. Oopsies. It's just that I feel like I shouldn't be blogging about nothing which is stupid because THAT'S ALL THIS BLOG IS, also sometimes I feel like all I do is complain but I don't want to complain all the time which is a problem because these are the only things I can think to blog about:

1. Job Searching = SOUL CRUSHING, which, no, actually it hasn't been all that bad but I think I'm only saying that because I'm not job searching right now. If I had been job searching in the last five minutes, I probably wouldn't be able to write this because I would have ripped my eyeballs out, is all I'm saying.

2. IT'S SO DAMN HOT. How hot is it? SO DAMN HOT, I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION.

3. I'm siiiiiiiiiick. The jury is still out on whether I have/had strep throat but the doctor gave me yummy antibiotics anyway and they only cost $5! That's $25 less than what my old birth control used to cost me A MONTH! I don't think there's any correlation there* but that was my first thought.

Um, OK, so that's it. What else have I been doing, you might ask if you're polite. Well. I can tell you that I've watched a lot of TV. We finished Battlestar Galactica, which I enjoyed but didn't Lost-love. Or Doctor-Who-love. Anyway. I was slightly underwhelmed by the finale but that may have had something to do with the fact that I felt like complete and utter ass when we watched it. Also, I have this theory about watching shows all at once on Netflix or DVD or whatever versus watching them live as the show airs. There's something special about having to wait an entire summer to find out what happens to all of your ~~BFFs~~ favorite TV characters that just cannot be recaptured by watching a show on DVD.

I've also been watching a shitload of Friday Night Lights because did you know that show is awesome? Pajiba pretty much fellates this show ON THE REGULAR but I'd never watched it because...I can't remember why now. Maybe because I don't like football? I don't know. I blame Dawson. I'm almost done with the first season and I cannot stop watching it. Like, I will lose hours to this show, which is awesome because there are a lot of hours in the day when you don't have a job, did you know that?

Unfortunately, I haven't had a TON of time to watch it because I've been keeping myself pretty busy with various errands, volunteering, cleaning, and WRITING. That's right, I said WRITING. I'm in this ~~secret society~~ writing group that's KIND OF a big deal. If anyone is still interested, let me know. I think we'll welcome pretty much anyone who isn't a big meanie poophead.

*Although when I told my mom I was going to the doctor because I'd had a sore throat and a fever for a few days, her first words were, "you don't think there's a chance you're pregnant, right?" WHAT.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em!

2011-05-27T10:55:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when I haven't written here in a while, I feel like I can't write until something BIG happens because what's the point of me writing another, "I did nothing all day today other than watch a full season of Party Down" post because YOU GUYS I'm unemployed (sort of) so that is pretty much what I'd be writing.

That said, I'm writing today because I was in a tornado on Wednesday. I know. I KNOW. I actually didn't know it was a tornado until we saw it on the news last night. We just thought it was a really, really bad (hail) storm, and as it was, it was a category 0 tornado so it was just a not-so-bad tornado (although my aunt insists that there's no such thing as a not-so-bad tornado).

Anyway, so we had just settled down to watch Battlestar Galactica (ASHLEY!) while we ate dinner (SPAGHETTI!) when I looked outside to see it was getting super windy and dark and, well, just very end-of-the-worldish. We turned on the news to see we were under a tornado warning and everyone in our area was being advised to take shelter. Normally I scoff at these warnings (scoff, I tell you!) because tornado warnings around here ('cept for Xenia) usually end up being nothing. My dad and I, when I lived at home, would run to the back porch to watch the storms whenever we were under a tornado warning, until my mom would yell at us to get our stupid asses back in the basement.

But I took one look outside on Wednesday to see the wind whipping the trees back and forth (I WHIP MY TREES BACK AND FORTH!) and was all, "um, maybe we should, like, not be sitting next to this giant window."

So we dragged a very freaked out Max to one of the innermost points of the condo, which happens to be Joe's closet. I was really worried about Phoebe because I had no idea where she was, but I figured she was OK since she's got all that cat-instinct and was probably hiding somewhere safe. We sat in the closet and called our parents and then just listened to the storm blow around us. At one point, Joe was like, "My parents were in a tornado once. They said it sounded like a train going by overhead," and I was all, "You mean, like it sounds right now?" and he was like, "Yeah, pretty much." But eventually the wind died down and we went to look out the window. There was hail EVERYWHERE.

And it was huge:

Once the storm was over, we decided to walk Max because there was another storm on the way. There were trees down all over and the street was flooded. I walked around a bit more yesterday and they had boarded up a bunch of windows that had been busted in the ~~storm~~ tornado.

I cannot stress enough that, for a tornado, this was the weakest possible, and there was minimal damage for a tornado coming through. Sure, there were trees uprooted and windows busted and a chimney destroyed, but no one was hurt and everyone still has a place to live, so I'm not trying to be all dramatic where there is no drama, but HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS A TORNADO. So scary. I'm so glad I didn't know it was a tornado when it was happening because I would have done one of two things:

1. Pooped myself and passed out.
2. Stood outside with my fingers crossed, hoping to be carried away to The Emerald City.

But you guys, the poor trees. :(

And I don't know, but I think someone might be trying to smite Ohio because the new Dinosaur Park (DINOSAURS ALIVE!) at Kings Island caught on fire the other day. Is this because I got so much enjoyment from Giant Jesus burning down? If so, I'M SORRY BUT LEAVE THE DINOSAURS ALONE.

"Baby step onto the elevator...baby step into the elevator...I'm IN the elevator."

2011-05-18T10:16:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I have to trick myself into writing. It makes no sense, really, I love to write. Even when I feel like everything I'm writing is complete shit, I can keep going because it's pretty easy to write complete shit, you know? And, I don't know, maybe my shit will turn into pretty flowers some day. That is the weirdest thing I've ever typed. But you know what I mean...flowers come from shit. Everything comes from shit. Shit shit shit. Just keep shitting.

ANYWAY. Joe and I have been having "writing time" some nights, partly because it's more productive than watching hours of TV after dinner but also because we're both writing stories for THIS. You should, too. It's funsies. And if you get published, then I can say I know you and I'll be, like, Famous Once Removed.

We are learning to work together, and by that, I mean, in the same room at the same time. It's difficult because it means we just cannot talk to each other, or it will soon devolve into a gigglefest about poop and butts and who can say the most inappropriate thing that will make the other almost die from all the laughter. That's fun and all, but it's hard to write when you're lying passed out on the floor.

There's something I've been thinking about for a while, something that I hope at least some of you wonderful writers would be interested in, and that something is INTERNET WRITING GROUP. By that, I mean, hey, let's write stuff and pass it around and critique it and praise it but mostly LET'S JUST WRITE. We can have set topics or write WHATEVER, we can write short stories, sonnets, haikus, dirty limericks, I DON'T CARE, except no, wait, I really don't want to write any sonnets.

In any case, email if you're interested.

I changed my name on Windows

2011-05-11T22:25:00.000-04:00

I changed my name on Windows, a photo by Jenlala on Flickr.

I had to reinstall Windows because of a virus or something WHO KNOWS THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT what's important is that my name is now officially (well, computer officially) Poohead Buttshits.

Whoever wields this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor. (ATTENTION: SPOILERS AHEAD)

2011-05-11T11:02:00.000-04:00

It is a truth universally acknowledged (um, in our house anyway), that I know little to nothing about comic book stuff and Joe knows, well, everything. We saw Thor last and I had some follow up questions regarding Thor, The Avengers, and the previews for X-Men: First Class. And I thought HEY! Maybe other people have the same questions! Or maybe they want to laugh at how little I know about comics. Win win win!

Anyway, read on and be educated:

1. The Cosmic Cube

Jennie: So, what was that thing at the end of the credits?

Joe: The Cosmic Cube. It’s basically a source of unlimited power, I’m not sure how it works, and the Red Skull is always after it.

2. Where my bitches at?

Jennie: I was expecting an Avengery person to be in Thor but I didn't remember that Jeremy Renner was an Avenger.

Joe: Yeah, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to spoil it.

Jennie: And he's...The Green Arrow?

Joe: No, Hawkeye. The Green Arrow is DC, Hawkeye is like Marvel's answer to The Green Arrow.

Jennie: Oh. I get all the Green people mixed up. Hornet, Lantern, Arrow, IT'S CONFUSING.

Joe: Haha.

Jennie: OK, so the Avengers are Captain America, Iron Man, Hulk, Hawkeye but not Hawkeye from MASH, Captain America...

Joe: You said Captain America already.

Jennie: Oh...um, who are the rest?

Joe: You forgot Thor.

Jennie: Ha, oh yeah, duh. Are there any girl Avengers?

Joe: Well, there's Black Widow.

Jennie: UGH. Scarlett Johanssen.

Joe: Yeah. There's also The Wasp and Scarlet Witch. Scarlet Witch is Magneto's daughter.

Jennie: But they don't get their own movies.

Joe: Well...probably not.

Jennie: THAT'S BULLSHIT.

Joe: I agree.

Jennie: So what you're telling me is that the most high profile female Avenger right now is played by Scarlett Johanssen. Who cannot act.

Joe: I know, it's unfortunate.

Jennie: But she looks really good in the outfit, so I suppose that's all that matters.

3. Captain America is an old man

Jennie: OK, so, Captain America is in the new Avengers movie, right?

Joe: Yes.

Jennie: But in his movie, it's the 1940s?

Joe: True.

Jennie: Does he not age, or what?

Joe: Well...OK, this is kind of spoilery.

Jennie: I don't care.

Joe: At the end of World War II, Captain America and his partner get blown up by a bomb and Captain America is encased in ice.

Jennie: Oh yeah! Isn't there a scene in one of the other movies where they show him in Antarctica or something.

Joe: Yeah, at the end of The Hulk, Edward Norton goes to Antarctica to kill himself--

Jennie: Downer.

Joe: And the camera swings quickly over Captain America frozen in ice.

4. Nicholas Hoult is totally old now

Jennie: So, that one X-Men character from one of the old movies, I don't remember what he was called, but he was played by Kelsey Grammar?

Joe: Yeah, Henry McCoy aka Beast.

Jennie: Is he in the new movie?

Joe: I think so?

Jennie: Is he played by the kid from About a Boy?

Joe: Yes! That's who it is...he plays Henry McCoy.

Jennie: Cool, I liked that guy.

5. Mystique's mothering skills

Jennie: And Mystique is in the new movie? But she's good?

Joe: Mystique was always bad, at least in the comics. Rogue, on the other hand, started off bad then turned good.

Jennie: Did you know Mystique is Nightcrawler's MOM?! WTF?

Joe: Yes.

Jennie: Why wasn't that in the movie, that's awesome!

Joe: I don't know. Mystique is also Rogue's mom.

Jennie: But adopted mom, right?

Joe: Right.

6. HULK SMASH

Jennie: So, The Incredible Hulk...he's an Avenger, but goes all crazy and is kind of bad, right, when he changes into The Hulk?

Joe: Well...yeah, sort of.

Jennie: How does that work?

Joe: They sort of...time his freakouts for when they need a bunch of stuff to be smashed.

Jennie: And then what, they have to like reign him in?

Joe: Pretty much. The Hulk has always more or less been a force of nature. He’s usually a mindless, rampaging monster. In the early issues of The Avengers, Hulk was on their side during the big battles, but the team also spent a lot of time just trying to keep him under control.

7. Me Thor, You Jane

Jennie: Jane and Thor are kind of like Tarzan and Jane, huh?

Joe: Um...sure.

Other fun facts (from Joe)!

1. There’s also Ant-Man, who was a founding Avenger, but he’s had his own movie in development for a while (by Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright!)

2. Captain America was not a founding Avenger. He joined in issue 4 when he was found frozen in ice and revived by The Avengers.

3. Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, and Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch’s brother, all started off as villains before they joined The Avengers. Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver are twins and the children of Magneto.

I'm sure he has more fun facts than that but those are the only ones I know about. I hope you have found today's Avengers lesson beneficial.

"Black Rider, It's Jeff Winger. I know you've heard of me by now!"

2011-05-06T17:49:00.000-04:00

Here are some things that have happened since I last blogged:

I lost my job
I went to Charleston for a wedding
I brought back two cases of Yuengling and all but four of the beers are gone
I've cleaned the entire condo
I turned 29
I don't know, some other stuff

I'm not sure why I haven't been blogging other than PURE LAZINESS but I realized today that it's been almost a month since I've blogged, which is like 12 months in Me Years. What I'm saying is, I used to blog several times a day WHAT HAPPENED? And now here I am talking about how I haven't been blogging so let's move on, shall we?

So, I lost my job, which is weird. Last week sort of just felt like vacation, probably because I would get up late, eat some chocolate pop-tarts and watch Doctor Who and The X-Files reruns until I decided I should probably shower and get dressed. You know, around 3 o'clock or so.

ANYWHO, this week I decided I should probably be somewhat productive, so I cleaned a different room of the condo every day. I KNOW. My life without work is super exciting. Not that it was much more exciting when I WAS working, but whatever. The cleaning is mostly done now, which means I have to concentrate mostly on job searching which, as I'm sure you're all aware, is absolutely soul crushing and I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE, especially since I don't even know what to search for most of the time, as my old job made me want to jab sharp objects in my eyes at least two times a day.

I mean, it hasn't been that bad, really, not yet anyway. I'm sure that after a few weeks, I will be dying for more human contact. I think Joe's already getting sick of coming home to me acting like a COMPLETE PSYCHO, babbling at a speed greater than light (or...whatever) because the only person I had to talk to all day was Max, and he's not a great conversationalist. Not because he's a dog, but because he sleeps all day.

So here I am, blogging about nothing, which I'm going to try to do more of except maybe I'll try blogging about SOMETHING sometimes, who knows? There's a first time for everything, yeah? Yeah.

Anyway, if anyone hears of any job openings at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, please let me know.

People had come to see Wilbur when he was "Some Pig" and came back again now that he was "Terrific."

2011-04-13T10:58:00.000-04:00

The other day, I was walking Max and he tried to eat an earthworm that was crawling across the sidewalk. It had rained recently, so they were everywhere and they were active. You know, active for earthworms. Which means they were kind of moving instead of just lying there, waiting to be stepped on.

Did you guys ever have to dissect earthworms in science class? I seem to remember doing this several times, and each time I spent the entire class completely befuddled because I had no idea what I was looking at. We were supposed to diagram all the little wormy inside parts but they all looked the same to me. This is around the time I realized I'd never be a doctor. Aside from not being able to identify even an earthworm's vital organs, I was not-so-handy with a scalpel. Instead of gently cutting one side of the worm open, I usually ended up slicing the worm in half lengthwise, which is not what we were supposed to do. I mean, MAYBE that'd be OK for Hogwarts Potions class, but it was not OK at Kettering Middle School.

Plus, we'd always have to draw pictures of the worm-insides and, while I was above average in art classes, my science diagrams usually ended up looking like I'd just drawn a bunch of blobby things that were supposed to be earthworm organs and labeled each blob with things like, "heart, maybe?" and "front...end?" because I couldn't even tell the front end of the worm from the back end. I mean, WHO CAN? Other than worm scientists or whatever.

We moved past earthworms and onto starfish. Sure. I mean, what? This is a thing kids dissect? I don't know. We had to use little scissors to cut them open instead of a scalpel and I thought that would be easier, but no, I completely mutilated my starfish. Sorry, Patrick. We also dissected a sheep's eyeball at some point and I do not gross out easily, but eyeballs give me the heebie-jeebies, especially when I'm stabbing at one sitting in front of me with sharp objects.

We didn't dissect frogs until my Bio II class in high school, and even then, only a few of us did the dissection and the rest had to just watch. Did the price on frogs go up around that time or something? I'm not sure what I was even doing in a Bio II class, other than it was an advanced class and I used to be smart, but I loved the teacher, Mr. Williams, who made the subject matter exciting no matter what it was. He also had what he called "half-times" in the middle of class, right around the time everyone's eyes would start to glaze over, where he would tell us stories like how he once painted his little brother green or he would bet someone that they couldn't eat a package of crackers in a certain amount of time.

Unfortunately, the most memorable part of his class was the quarter (yes, an entire quarter) that we dissected fetal pigs. You guys, it was so disgusting. Not so much the actual dissection itself, because for some reason that I don't want to think too much about, I have no problem slicing dead animals open (in a classroom environment...not, like, out in the wild), but the smell. Oh, the smell. Think of how disgusting a fetal pig might smell. Now think about how it might smell at the end of nine weeks. In the springtime. YEAH. Once it started to get really warm, toward the end of the quarter, it got pretty bad. Like, so bad that people would avoid that end of the building. And you know how sometimes when you go to Subway, you can still smell Subway on your clothes for the rest of the day? Well, it was the same with this classroom, except worse because, to my knowledge, Subway doesn't serve fetal pigs.

We dissected our fetal pigs a few times a week, working our way through each system, diagramming the organs and coloring them in with pretty colors. When class was over, we'd put our pigs back in their Ziploc bags (which had some sort of juice in it to keep the pigs...juicy) and keep them in the fetal pig fridge that Mr. Williams kept in his office.

Now, you might be wondering how we could tell our pigs apart from all the other pigs. Especially once they were all thrown into a fridge. It's not like fetal pigs have distinguishing marks, although some were bigger than others. But no, we could easily tell them apart and that's because, when Mr. Williams passed out our pigs on the first day, each nestled into its own comfy Ziploc home, he told us to name them. We wrote our pig's name on the bag and that's how we knew which pig to work on all quarter. And that's the story of how I dissected a pig named Wilbur for nine weeks straight.

P90X: Days 3 and 4 and my abs, oh my god

2011-04-13T09:17:00.000-04:00

So. I've completed P90X, days 3 and 4, and so far, so good. The weight-lifting stuff wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, mainly because you get to rest a lot, which is nice, but the Ab Ripper HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD. What in the what? That's, like, impossible, right? There were a few times I had to stop and just stare at the TV in disbelief because HOW WERE THEY DOING THAT?

Anyway. I did the yoga workout yesterday and it was definitely tough. I haven't done much yoga, other than a class or two in college and a half-assed attempt to do a yoga DVD a handful of times, and that's mostly because I am not coordinated or flexible AT ALL. That said, I did enjoy the yoga workout. I have a lot of respect for people who are good at yoga (AHEM mysterygirl!, hee) because they make it look so effortless. And it is the opposite of effortless. My only complaint about the yoga workout is that it's an hour and a half long. I'm sure that, as I continue on through this program, I'm going to want to either skip it entirely or do something else in its place, but I'm going to try and stick with it. It can only help my (lack of) balance issues, so maybe I'll trip and fall down less often.

In other news, I have to do the Ab Ripper workout again tonight. DO NOT WANT.

Dear Brain, Ryan Baby Goose should not be used for evil, only for good. Love, Jennie

2011-04-12T08:50:00.000-04:00

Last night, I had a dream that someone was trying to kill me. I don't know why he was trying to kill me, he just was. I actually wasn't that concerned about it. Maybe I was immortal in my dream WHO KNOWS but I DID know that the killer could shapeshift (thanks, Fringe). At some point I was standing in front of Ryan Gosling and I was like, "Awwwww yeah, Ryan Gosling, LET'S DO THIS," but then he said something weird and I realized he was the killer. You have never known such disappointment. Anyway, then I threw Ryan FakeFace off of a balcony or something but the killer still didn't die! And he was killing people left and right! Like, straight up slitting throats and shooting people and it was GRAPHIC. My point is, I need to stop watching Dexter before bed.

fitness-y (read: boring) talk ahead

2011-04-11T11:44:00.000-04:00

I completed the first two days of P90X over the weekend (only 88 to go...whoohoo?) and so far, I'm a fan. I'm doing the Lean Program, which, as I understand it, is less weight-lifty stuff and more jump-around-until-you-feel-like-you're-going-to-pass-out stuff.

The first day was called Core Synergistics and, if you're smarter than I am which I assume you are, you will have already guessed that this involved a lot of exercises that work your core. Duh. I didn't think too much about it at the time, though, and was surprised to find that the next day my abs felt like they were going to fall off. I even modified some of the moves because, well, they were hard and I am whiny. There was this one thing where you were supposed to (from a standing position), sit down really fast, roll backwards, push your feet up to the ceiling, and then roll back up, and I was like, "um, no," and so I did my own version. There are also these things called Superman Bananas which are just torture. Look them up on YouTube or something and then try it and you will know true evil, I swear. Here, I found a video for you and the guy even has an accent YOU'RE WELCOME.

Day 2 was a cardio workout called, wait for it...CARDIO. Right. It actually wasn't too bad. I mean, it was still challenging and I was definitely working hard, but I didn't feel like I was going to die until it was time to do the damn Superman Bananas again WTF NO. Anyway. I actually really liked this workout, specifically the exercise called Wacky Jacks. I'm not really sure how to explain them. But, like, if Phoebe Buffay did jumping jacks before she went running, I think they'd look like Wacky Jacks.

Today I was supposed to get up before work and do Day 3 but if you know me at all, you know that didn't happen, so now I have to do it after work. It's the first weight-trainy day so expect a lot of whining tomorrow about how sore I am. Although, yesterday when I woke up, my first thought was, "oh, my, I am just sore all over," and I'm still sore today, but slightly less so, so maybe it will get better? Yes? People who've done this before? Lie to me.

Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix.

2011-04-07T12:36:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I exercised for the first time in, oh, let's say FOREVER. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've said something like that. I have started and then quit exercising SO MANY TIMES. My point is, get ready to read a post that is just like a bunch of other posts you've already read! Whoo!

Anyway, so I did this workout DVD even though it was really nice outside, because it was really windy, too, like so windy that when I was walking Max, he would stop every time there was a huge gust of wind, I mean just PLANT HIS FEET like he was afraid he was going to be carried away. And I only like to run outside when it's not too hot, not to cold, not too sunny, and not too windy, and since there are like three of those days a year in Ohio, I hardly ever run outside.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, I was about to tell you that Jillian Michaels is evil, but you already know that because I've already told you that five billion times AT LEAST but oh well, I'm going to tell you again. I thought about doing the 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday, because even though it's pretty much HELL, it's only like 25 minutes worth of HELL, but I was feeling extra motivated so I did one of her longer DVDs. This one is about an hour long, with warm up and cool down and everything, and is all cardio, no weights, so I thought it would be fine. I'd just jump around for an hour, no big deal, right?

No. This DVD is TERRIBLE. So terrible that my brain must block out how terrible it is after I finish it, otherwise I'd never do the DVD again. And when I say terrible, I don't mean that it's not effective. Judging by how sore I am today, it MUST be effective but I never, ever want to do it again. And I even half-assed a lot of it because I was pretty sure I was going to pass out and the last thing I wanted was for Joe to come home and find me lying in the middle of the floor in too tight workout gear while Phoebe crawled all over me, probably puking on my back just for good measure BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF ~~PERSON~~ CAT SHE IS.

I guess I'm not all THAT sore today, though, if I'm being completely honest. I can still walk up the stairs, but my abs hurt when I, you know, laugh or cough or move. Here's how I know I'm crazy...I have another Jillian DVD, similar to the one I did yesterday, that is also about an hour long and the last time I did it, I thought I might really die, but I'm thinking of doing it after work today. Also, I ordered P90X and it's supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I'm sort of scared to try it, judging by what my friends who have tried it have said, but I'll probably do the first workout tomorrow. I think I'm going to teach Max how to dial 911 first, though.

You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.

2011-04-05T12:16:00.000-04:00

Netflix recently announced that it was releasing several new (well, old) TV shows on Netflix Instant, which is awesome because every season of Bones, Ugly Betty, Doctor Who, The X-Files, Lois & Clark, Grey's Anatomy, Futurama, and Better Off Ted were getting really lonely in our queue.

The two shows I was most excited about were Ally McBeal and The Wonder Years. I mean, I've been wishing for them to put The Wonder Years back on TV for years, possibly since they took it off of the air, oh, whenever that was. I used to come home from school and watch The Wonder Years reruns alongside The Fresh Prince of Bel-air and Saved by the Bell. Unfortunately, the last time I looked, it still hadn't been released on Netflix Instant. I'M WAITING, NETFLIX. And I'm hoping that The Wonder Years won't send me spiraling into an existential crisis and if you're wondering what I'm talking about then PLEASE READ AHEAD.

Ally McBeal was available on Netflix Instant last week, so I added every season to our queue, much to Joe's chagrin. But whatever, I've only been watching it when he's not home. I watched this show back when it was first on and LOVED it, so I was interested to see if and how my opinion had changed. The first season aired when I was but a wee high school sophomore (yikes) and, at the time, I loved the whimsy and the singing and the, I don't know, the BALLS OUT CRAZY.

But, if I'm being completely honest, I find it a bit cringe-worthy to watch now. Almost like I feel when I read my journal from high school. That dancing baby thing totally creeps me out. I find Ally to be extremely annoying and I spend most of the time hoping a strong gust of wind blows her into oncoming traffic. But, I mean, Robert Downey Jr. shows up in a later season and, if I remember correctly, he sings at least once, so that's something to look forward to.

The thing that freaks me out the most, though, is that Ally is supposed to be 27 in the first season. WHICH IS WEIRD. I thought she was so old when I watched this show in high school and I thought that, surely, by the time I was her age, I would have all my shit figured out.

Well, I'm two years past the age she is on the show and I most definitely do not have my shit figured out. In fact, I often wonder at which point I will have my all of my ducks in a row, at least career-wise. I don't even have any ducks! WHERE ARE MY DUCKS?

This troubles me. I need to take a moment.

Let's all go to the movies and then gouge our eyes out because that's how bad Due Date was

2011-03-31T10:19:00.000-04:00

My love for Robert Downey Jr. runs deep, so deep that I have seen Only You MORE THAN ONCE. In fact, when I saw that Only You was available for Netflix Instant, I might have actually squeed aloud. I watched it almost immediately and I was almost able to ignore how absolutely terrible it is. Such is the power of RDJ's charm.

I've been swooning over RDJ for years now, through his stint in rehab AND on Ally McBeal, all the way to, well, today. I saw Iron Man because he was in it, I loved him in Wonder Boys, my sides ached with laughter during his bits in Tropic Thunder, and I watched Sherlock Holmes just to see the magic of the budding bromance between RDJ and Jude Law.

But this past weekend, Robert Downey Jr. almost lost my love FOREVER and I will tell you why: DUE DATE.

Oh, I was all set to love it, despite the poor reviews I'd read back when it came out, because his character's name in the movie is Peter Highman. Just...just say it out loud. See? It immediately pandered to my 13-year-old-boy level of maturity, so I was on board. But you guys, this movie is terrible. I don't know what happened. I love stupid movies as much as the next person (I own Zoolander) but there is almost nothing redeeming about this movie.

Here is the premise: Peter (RDJ) is on his way home, and needs to be there by Friday, because his wife is getting a C-section that day and I guess it's, like, important to meet your baby right away, I don't know. He meets Zach Galificleurlduskjerudl's character, Ethan, at the airport and there is some nonsense about their bags getting mixed up. Then they get in a fight on the airplane and, of course, get kicked off. Peter has this problem, I guess, that when he gets mad, he "sees red," so he never remembers the yelling and the punching or whatever, but really I think his problem is that he's just an asshole.

Anyway, so they get kicked off the plane and Peter's wallet is still ON the plane because for some reason, he put it in the seat pocket in front of him? Or something? Do people do this? So he can't rent a car because he has no money or ID. Also, he's now on the no-fly list on account of the fighting and the mixed up baggage.

Ethan, however, still has money and his ID, so he is able to rent a car and convinces Peter to come with him. Thus begins their tragic journey across the country. Oh yeah, I forgot, but Ethan is carrying his dead father's ashes around in a coffee can. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves. Also, Ethan wants to be an actor because he was inspired by Two and a Half Men. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves.

Along the way, Ethan stops to buy pot and, while there, Peter punches a child in the stomach. I mean, the kid was annoying, but you just can't punch a child. I'm pretty sure that's like a rule. Ethan spends all their money on pot, then Peter insults a war veteran at Western Union so they can't even get the money Peter's wife wired to them, so they are pretty much screwed. I think this is when they sleep at a rest stop and Peter tries to ditch Ethan there but, in his only redeeming scene in the movie, feels guilty and goes back to get him. Later, Ethan falls asleep while he's driving and DRIVES OFF OF AN OVERPASS, so maybe Peter had the right idea, what with the ditching, but don't worry, the only bad things that happen are that Peter breaks an arm and the dog now has to wear a cone of shame.

At this point, Jamie Foxx rescues them and takes them to his house. He lends them a car, but not before making them coffee out of Ethan's father's ashes. Yep, sure, why not.

I think it's soon after they leave Jamie Foxx that Ethan accidentally drives them to Mexico. Yeah. Peter gets arrested by border patrol because...I don't remember why, and is locked up in a trailer, which Ethan then STEALS and then they are in the most ridiculous car chase ever and it was at this point that I wondered why I was still watching the movie.

They become friends at this point, sort of, even though Peter is still a total asshole. They go to the Grand Canyon and I wish Ethan would push Peter over the side. They OBVIOUSLY make it to California in time for Peter to see his baby's birth...well, sort of, because I forgot that Ethan accidentally shoots Peter at some point so I think Peter passes out during the actual birth but who cares because he was an asshole anyway and assholes shouldn't get to see their babies get borned. Actually, wait, scratch that, the birthing process is way disgusting so assholes should have to watch that shit, like, 24/7, right? Right.

OK, but here is where I felt completely betrayed. Ethan and Peter apparently become BFF, although reluctantly on Peter's part because of the asshole thing. Peter and his wife and baby are lying in bed one night, watching TV, and you guys, THEY ARE WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN. Because Ethan was a guest actor on it or something. But WHATEVER WHO CARES. The point is, this movie tricked me into watching part of Two and a Half Men and I don't care that it was maybe only a minute or two, it was still a minute or two of Two and a Half Men that I never, ever wanted to see. And, I don't know, you guys, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's going to take a lot of shirtless wrestling before I can ever trust RDJ again.

True story: when we watch Fringe, I spend most of the time talking about how dreamy Joshua Jackson is.

2011-03-25T09:10:00.000-04:00

When I was a tween, one of my most serious hobbies was collecting BOP and Tiger Beat magazines. My friends and I would go to the drug store and sit in the magazine aisle, leaf through these bubblegum rags, and agonize over our purchases. My weekly allowance would only support my habit up to a point, so I had to be careful if I wanted to get my money’s worth. Sometimes the magazines had only so-so heartthrobs on the cover, but if there was a magazine with a full-size pullout poster of Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT!!!), well, obviously that was money well spent.

Some of my friends were already starting to go on dates around this time, even though most of us hadn’t even started our periods. I was shy and socially awkward around most people, and even more so around boys. I had no interest in them and didn’t anticipate ever wanting to have anything to do with them. I mean...I had books, I had my friends, I had my bike, honestly, what else did I need?

Maybe I wasn’t maturing as quickly as my friends, I don’t know, but I didn’t see the appeal of dating. Frankly, what little dating information I’d been able to gather (mostly from old episodes of Saved by the Bell) terrified me. My friends and I often discussed the perfect age to start dating. Most of my friends insisted that, at 12, we were the perfect age to date all we wanted, and you wouldn’t believe the heavy silence that fell when I suggested that maybe 18 was a better age.

I had no real interest in any of the boys in my life but was obsessed with collecting glossy pictures of my favorite teen actors. My room was plastered with the posters and pages I’d torn from teen magazines. I taped them on my bedroom walls like wallpaper. I lived in my head and my head was full of these Hollywood pretty boys. It was easier to pretend that if I should ever meet one of these actors, they’d fall deeply in love with me, and I’d never need to go through the painful dating process. I weaved intricate fantasies around these meetings, based on information gleaned from all the generic magazine articles I’d read about them. JTT liked ice cream. I liked ice cream! Joshua Jackson liked animals! I LOVED animals! Andrew Keegan liked to hike and, well, I liked to walk? Oh the fun we’d have, JTT, Andrew, Josh (yeah, I call him Josh) and I, eating our double-decker ice cream cones while we hiked through the woods and tried to catch wild animals WITH OUR BARE HANDS.

Obviously, these fantasies never became reality, and I (sort of) overcame my fear of boys and dipped my toe into the dating scene. I still spend most of my time in my head, but I eventually outgrew these magazine heartthrobs. Although, if I didn't think Joe would mind, I might still plaster the walls of our house with pictures of Joshua Jackson.

PACEY 4EVA!!1!!11!

Testes

2011-03-19T18:10:00.000-04:00

TESTING TESTING I am posting this WITH MAAAAAGIC.

you pinch me, I choke you

2011-03-17T09:00:00.000-04:00

I'm not wearing green today. In fact, I'm wearing red. It's not that I don't like St. Patrick's Day, it's just FUCK YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR. Also, I always look for excuses to get mad at people, so if anyone tries to pinch me I WILL CHOKE THEM. Of course, choking a coworker might get me fired, but according to this study, that might be a good thing. But seriously, coworkers, DO NOT TOUCH ME. Or, like, even talk to me.

I have the day off tomorrow and I was talking to Joe last night about how, just a few years ago, I would have been so excited that I could celebrate St. Patrick's Day without having to work the next day. Hell, even if I DID have to work the next day, I probably would have celebrated. I think it was three years ago that Steve, Heidi, and I got my dad (my dad: "Does this make me an enabler?) to drop us off at Harrigan's on St. Patrick's Day in the middle of the week. We had my dad drop us off because A) we assumed the parking lot would be full and B) we all had to work the next day, so we needed our cars, like, at home. It was brilliant, right? We'd just take a taxi home!

We did not take into account that everyone in Dayton would be taking taxis home, and so when we called for one, there were none available. Like, as in, they told us they might be able to pick us up...at 5 AM. At that point, it was too late to call anyone to pick us up because, duh, they all had to work the next day, too, so we walked. It was only like two and a half miles, so it wasn't THAT crazy, except that Steve had recently had knee surgery and still had a brace, I think? And some weird guys kept trying to convince us to come to their apartment? We were all really hungry, too, because beer needs feeding after a while, and I was getting bored because walking was taking too long, so I ran the last mile ahead of Heidi and Steve, I guess to make food? And to get home faster. Sure.

Heidi and Steve got home to find the front door open and me running around the apartment brushing my teeth. I had also dumped a box of granola bars on top of the stove for them. That was me cooking, I guess? Probably safer than me actually using the oven in that state, so they should be happy they didn't come home to find the apartment on fire.

Anyway, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

this blog is about to reach a new low

2011-03-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

Last night, while Joe and I were sleeping, Max woke up, went to the living room, threw up, and then dragged his bed over the puke. Like he was hiding it.

WHAT.

That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most.

2011-03-07T09:37:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't blogged in like a million years and this is totally phoning it in BUT OMG YOU GUYS LOOK AT THIS:

go directly to heaven, collect two adorable mastiffs

2011-03-01T15:26:00.000-05:00

So I just got this email that there are two mastiffs available for foster/adoption in the Dayton area. Here they are:

and

LOOK AT HOW CUTE THEY ARE.

Here is the what the email said:

These two young mastiffs are super sweet and friendly. They were due to
be put down today, but thanks to a mastiff lover who went and picked
them up (thanks Lindsey) we got them into boarding last night. They are
getting their shots, wormed, and baths. The owner didn't give much info
on them. If you know of anyone willing to foster one or both of them
(they are very attached to each other), please let me know!! HART has
offered placement in their rescue if I can find fosters. I do have 54"
crates I can lend to someone and I can furnish the dog food. Thanks!

The Clinton Co. (Wilmington, OH) Dog Warden just picked up a male and
female English Mastiff who was surrendered to the county because the
owner is moving. The owner has not supplied names, medical history or
any info about the dogs. I do know that they have mostly lived outdoors
or in the garage. The Warden says they are nice dogs -- just huge!

Clinton Co. is a very rural and depressed community. The Pound has 20
kennels to house dogs. Currently, dogs are doubled, and in some cases,
tripled up in kennels. The Warden is forced to euthanize due to lack of
space and already has the vet scheduled to come in on Wednesday to have
relief on the quantity of animals.... he will be housing the Mastiffs in
an outdoor kennel tonight.

SUPER SAD FACE. If you would like to adopt/foster these dogs or know of someone who might, please EMAIL ME and I will forward you the foster lady's contact information.

Seriously, though, if you adopt them you will get so many karma points for heaven. Is that how heaven works? Being nice to animals?

Also, if you could please share this with others, that'd be great, because I think approximately 20 people read my blog and only a handful of those people actually live in Ohio.

Mr. Darcy is the hit of my pants*

2011-02-28T10:54:00.000-05:00

I woke up early this morning to Max crawling ACROSS JOE'S FACE so he could hide his face between our pillows. Normally these kinds of shenanigans would get Max kicked off the bed POST HASTE but it was thunderstorming and he was scared and COME ON, how could I possibly force him off the bed when his sad little scared face was trembling nose-to-nose with mine. Joe and I tried to go back to sleep, but it didn't really work because Joe was pretty much forced to the very edge of the bed and the only way I could make myself comfortable was to spoon Max but he kept hitting me in the chin with his head whenever there was thunder and OW.

So my point is, I'm tired today. I mean, I had already stayed up past my bedtime because I wanted to watch Mr. Darcy win an Oscar, so I wasn't planning on waking up an hour and a half earlier than my alarm. YAWN.

In other news, I got this love letter the other day:

Dear Beloved,

This letter may come to you as a surprise due to the fact that we have not yet met. Firstly, I have to say that I have no intentions of causing you any pain. My name is Mr. Moore Edwards, a European merchant. I have been diagnosed with Prostate and Esophageal cancer that was discovered very late due to lack of caring for my health. It has defiled all form of medicine and right now, I have only about a few months to live according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone not even myself but my business.Though I am very rich, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focus on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world. I use to say to my self that if God should give me a second chance I would live differently from how I have lived. I was meditating on my hospital bed and something told me that Go

Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be content with what I have left for them.The last of my money which is a huge cash deposit that I have with a security firm will be put in your care if only you will agree and are capable of seeing this through. I want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations of your choice and let them know that it is I Mr.Moore Edwards that is making this generous donation. I am writing this from my laptop computer in my hospital bed where I wait for my time to come. I pray for you to support and assist me with a good heart. I hope we can build a relationship based on trust because I want to do this by all means possible before I die.But the choice is yours Please you can contact me through this email address: mooreedwards1@aol.co.uk

Be blessed my beloved,
Mr.Moore Edwards

For some reason, it was delivered to my spam folder. Which is weird because why would my beloved send me spam? In any case, feel free to email him. It sounds like he could use a pick-me-up.

*When my friend Amy and I were but wee little college freshman, we read Bridget Jones's Dairy and Pride & Prejudice, like, a million times, and then saw BJD in the theater, like, a million times, and went on an epic journey to, like, a million stores just to find the P&P mini-series that made Colin Firth such an object of DEEP, DEEP DESIRE. To say we were merely obsessed with Mr. Darcy is an insult to our level of obsession.

Anyway, one night, after drinking too much, we sent emails to practically everyone we knew (drunk emailing is way more entertaining than drunk dialing, trust me) and in one email, we said both "Mr. Darcy is a hearthrap," and "Mr. Darcy is the hit of my pants." Thank you, Stephanie, for reminding me of this. GOOD TIMES.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOE!

2011-02-15T08:35:00.000-05:00

I'm glad you were borned. You take care of me when I'm sick AND you didn't let me tumble into the ocean (or off of the balcony) that time I had too much tequila on our honeymoon. Our games of Scrabble always ALWAYS devolve into seeing who can spell the dirtiest words. You completely indulge me when I'm giggling over absolutely nothing (which is often) or just plain being weird (which is even more often) and then you totally outweird ME and it's awesome. You act like a total girl whenever Max does something cute (I mean that in a nice way) and you're nicer to Phoebe than I am.

You help me through scary stuff and won't let me get away with saying I'm not angry even though I obviously am, which pretty much makes you the more mature one in this relationship (duh).

The future may be uncertain but at least we can wander around all confused together.

PLUS ALSO, you let me (nay, ENCOURAGE ME to) post pictures like this on the internet:

What more could I ask for? HAAAAAAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY!

won't you be my neighbor

2011-02-14T12:51:00.000-05:00

I find it somewhat comforting to realize that I care as much about Valentine's Day now that I'm married as I did when I was single, which is to say, very little.

I do, however, care very much about these Doctor Who Valentine's Day cards. So there's that.

A funny thing happened yesterday in Ohio and that thing was that it wasn't absolutely frigid outside. It was maybe, MAYBE, 45, but that didn't stop some silly Ohioans from running around in shorts and t-shirts. Because that's what people do on the first semi-warm day of the year and I sort of love it. I mean, I'm not going to start running around in a sundress just because it's above freezing, but it was nice to walk Max IN THE SUNSHINE and not have to wear two pairs of pants, a scarf, gloves, and a hat and yet still worry about whether the tip of my nose is going to fall off because OMG I CAN'T FEEL MY NOSE ANYMORE.

I think the warm weather made me more productive, too, because NOT ONLY did I go to the grocery, but Joe and I ran all sorts of boring errands and didn't complain about them ONCE, plus I chopped up a million vegetables so the Crock Pot could make some beef stew for us to have for dinner tonight. I love when the Crock Pot cooks for us, especially on nights when I'm not going to be home until 7:30.

Oh! I forgot to tell you guys something really important about our neighbor, who we call Poltergeist Lady, because, well, she looks like this lady. In fact, when we first moved in, she knocked on our door to introduce herself and when she left, this happened:

Me: Oh, man. I'm having really mean thoughts.
Joe: Ooh, what are they?
Me: I don't wanna say.
Joe: Is it this? "Carol Anne, Carol Anne!"
Me: OK, so at least we're both going to hell.

So that's how she got the name Poltergeist Lady. She's very nice, but we always thought her a little odd, and the other night I upgraded her status from "a little odd," to "I'm not answering the door anymore."

We had a pretty bad ice storm a couple of weeks ago, and because of this, Joe and I both worked from home. This meant I didn't shower until I "left" work, so I had just gotten out of the shower when there was a knock on the door. Joe answered (in his Superman pajama pants) and I hid in the bathroom and listened. This is what I heard:

Poltergeist Lady: Hiiiiiiii.
Joe: Hi.
PL: [lots of mumbly words]
Joe: Um...
PL: [more mumbly words]
Joe: OK?

Then I heard Joe go into the kitchen, get something out of a cabinet, and go back to the front door.

Joe: Here you go.
PL: THANK YOU!

"What was that?" I shouted once the front door was closed.

"Oh, Poltergeist Lady wanted to borrow some taco seasoning," Joe answered.

Naturally, I was all, "um, WHAT," and it turns out she'd gone to the grocery to buy stuff to make tacos, but had forgotten taco seasoning, and so OF COURSE she went knocking on doors until she found some. Sure, OK. Maybe I'm just unfriendly, but I try to avoid my neighbors at all costs, because there's nothing I hate more than small talk. I'm so bad at it. I don't want to tell you how my day was, I don't care how your day was, and I can't talk with you about the weather anymore or I'll have to stab myself in the eardrum.

Anyway, so if I realized I'd forgotten ANYTHING at the grocery, I would either go back and get it or do without it. Especially if it was something like TACO SEASONING.

But, fine, she's obviously different than me AND THAT'S OK. You know what's not OK? That she came back five minutes later and asked for more.

Joe's way nicer than I am because I would have lied and said we didn't have any taco seasoning the first time she knocked on the door. So it's good that he answered the door instead of me. We want to remain on her good side, you know, in case our TV ever starts talking to us.

show me that smile again

2011-01-31T12:20:00.000-05:00

I went to Zumba (yes, ZUMBA) on Saturday for the first time. While I spent several songs marching in the wrong direction and flailing my arms about wildly, I enjoyed it and I'm going back tonight. It tricks you into exercising and it turns out exercising is good for you. Who knew? Anyway, the plus side of going to this Zumba class is that there's no set cost, it's all just donations to the instructor, AND it's really close to my house. The negative is that it's at a church, not that that's bad, but there are some churchy elements. Like scripture reading before the class starts (but it's short) and I'm pretty sure there were one or two Christian rock songs played during the class, but I was too busy trying not to run into people or fall down to really notice. This said, I don't really care because while I am not churchy, I do not begrudge others their churchiness (I don't know).

AND. The instructor told us before the class started that Kirk Cameron was coming to give a talk about marriage or preparing for the End Times or something, I don't know, I wasn't really listening because I was too busy mouthing, "OMG MIKE SEAVER MIKE SEAVER!" to Nancy while my 18-year-old cousin just stared at us blankly because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know who Mike Seaver is. The shame, the shame.

Anyway, I'm trying to decide if it's worth the price of the ticket to possibly ~~accost~~ see Mike Seaver in person. Probably not.

So, yeah, since I went to Zumba, it meant getting up early (on Saturday!) and regretting my decision to drink coffee beforehand. It was fun, though, and the fact that I keep telling people I'll meet them there means I can't flake out unless I have a really good excuse. Wanting to stay home and watch The Soup is not a good (enough) excuse.

After Zumba, I went home and was faced with this tough decision: Do I continue being productive since I'm already up and aboot? Or do I reward myself for getting up early with TV and loafing? The answer was a little of both, because Joe and I finally went to the bank to begin the long, arduous process of merging our moneys, but when we got home, I watched an episode of Doctor Who and two episodes of Grey's Anatomy (from season 2, when it was still good...ish).

I was about to start the next episode when Joe called and was all, "...um...so...I found a dog," and it was one of those times where I just wasn't sure how to react. I thought he was calling to tell me he was on his way home, not that Max might soon have a new friend. But, no, this dog was wearing tags, so we couldn't in good conscience keep her forever and hug her and squeeze her and call her George.

At first I was like, "take her to SICSA, maybe?" hoping they'd know what to do and then I remembered that I had a computer in front of me, and everyone knows that Google can solve anything. I got on SICSA's website, which led me here in a matter of CLICKS. Apparently, if you find a lost dog, you can find the owner's address and phone number just by entering the dog's tag number. I had no idea our county did this. I'd imagine your county does the same.

I plugged in the tag number and luckily the owner's current information was in there. I called them and a little girl answered the phone. I told her my name and that my husband had found a dog and that's when she squealed, "THEY FOUND CHRISTY!" and my heart melted. They didn't live far from us so I called Joe and told him where he could return the dog, and he said the whole family was outside in the front yard, waiting for him to bring their dog back. I want to cry a little, you guys, WHAT THE HELL. Anyway, I think our Dog Karma is really high now, so hopefully if Max ever gets lost (NOOOOOO), he'll find his way back to us, or someone will find his way back to us FOR him.

"Smart" Kids: new Lois & Clark review

2011-01-31T09:06:00.000-05:00

New review on Joe & Jennie in the Morning! Lois and Clark investigate some super smart kids who are trying to take over Metropolis, but they don't really seem all that smart. Sure, they outsmart Lois, but how hard is that, really?

i am totally bogarting delurking day II

2011-01-27T09:56:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I find a new blog, I get really annoyed if there's not an "About" page somewhere, because I'm nosy and I like to learn everything about that person RIGHT AWAY, rather than, I don't know, just reading through their archives or something. Who has that kind of time? Wikipedia has ruined me forever.

Anyway, my point is that I'm a big hypocrite because I didn't even have an "About" page! WTF? I've fixed that, though, mainly because I recently discovered how to add Pages in Blogger. I know. I KNOW. So if you look under the header, you will see an "About Me" page and it's all about me, although I'm not sure how informative it is.

There's also a Links! page because did you know that Blogrolling went away? I guess it's been gone since November but I only recently noticed because ALL MY LINKS DISAPPEARED. It was good, though, because I've discovered a lot of new blogs since I last updated my Blogroll, so now those have been added. Please let me know if I forgot you.

BTW, I mostly stole this whole idea from Kate over at Effing the Ineffable, who has declared her own Delurking Day. So if you're a lurker, DELURK, because I am a whore for comments. Also, if you delurk, then I can add your link to my Links! page. Win win win! Also also, I really want to add a FAQ page but no one ever asks me any questions, let alone FREQUENTLY, so if you could delurk AND ask a question, I will send you a virtual hug WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

Also! Here are some recent posts at Joe and Jennie in the Morning! that you may have missed:

1. Joe is going to be recapping Sports Night. Here's the first episode!
2. I recapped episode 3 of The X-Files AKA Squeeze AKA the greatest episode ever (until, you know, the next one)
3. Joe recapped episode 6 of Lois & Clark...Lois dresses up in a chicken suit. Yeah.

let's talk about gym etiquette

2011-01-26T11:31:00.000-05:00

I know I was just complaining about the movies but now I'm going to complain about the gym and I'll tell you why. Our condo complex has a fitness room and, as far as I can tell, it's hardly ever used. I have seen other people in there maybe one or two of the times I've managed to drag myself to the treadmill, so whenever I walk in the room and see other people, I feel like they're trespassing in MY gym.

When Joe and I walked into the gym a few days ago and there were two (TWO) people already there, working on their fitness, I was perturbed. But, you know, whatever, it's their gym, too (HARRUMPH) so I couldn't really complain. Or throw them out, even though I totally wanted to. BUT. Then! They were gross. And here's why:

The guy on the treadmill who I usually see running outside no matter what the temperature had decided to move his workout indoors that day and was running super fast, was really sweaty, smelled bad enough that I could smell his BO from two machines away, and ran for at least 40 minutes, getting his sweaty-stinky-man-hands all OVER the treadmill. He finished his workout soon after Joe and I started ours, went to get a drink at the water fountain, put on his jacket, and left. Joe and I looked at one another in complete horror.

"Did he clean off his treadmill?" I asked.

"NO!" Joe exclaimed.

GROSS. YOU GUYS. THAT IS GROSS.

So meanwhile, there's this lady riding a bike in front of us. She's not wearing earphones or anything, so I know she heard us talking about how gross it was that that guy was sweating all over a machine and didn't clean it off. But what does she do? Finishes her workout, gets a drink of water, puts on her jacket, and leaves! WHAT THE HELL?

The craziest thing is that there are antibacterial wipes provided RIGHT THERE in the gym. You don't have to bring your own towel. You don't even have to go get paper towels out of the bathroom and then spray them with cleaning solution before you wipe down the machines. No. You just have to pull a wet wipe out of the container. It's so easy. I don't understand people who don't clean off their machines. If you don't clean your machine when you're done with it, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

Gym Rules:

1. CLEAN YOUR SHIT

The most important rule of the gym is to clean up after yourself. If you sweat all over a machine, CLEAN IT OFF. How is this a difficult thing to understand?

2. GET OUT OF MY WAY

Don't stand in front of a machine or just, like, hang out on a switched-off treadmill and have a conversation with someone. Get out of the way so someone else can use it. I HATE YOU.

3. DON'T BE GROSS

When Heidi and I were members at Fitworks, we would often note that working-out-noises were eerily similar to having-sex-noises. Please be aware of the noises you are making and, um, stop making them. I should not have to give you a side-look to make sure you're not pleasuring yourself over at the bench press.

4. WTF, I WAS WATCHING THAT

If you go in the gym and someone is already there and the TV is on a certain channel/show/whatever, DO NOT CHANGE IT. Not without asking. That's rude. I don't want to watch real athletes on ESPN while I work out, I want to watch models fall off a runway on America's Next Top Model.

5. NO SERIOUSLY, CLEAN YOUR SHIT

Hi. Did you just finish your workout? Yeah? Cool. Did you clean off your machine? No? Oh. GO CLEAN YOUR SHIT.

Let's all go to the movies and STFU.

2011-01-19T14:09:00.000-05:00

We went to the movies last weekend and not the giant movie theater that has a billion screens, but the teeny tiny one downtown that only has, I think, three? Joe, how many screens does The Neon have? I don't know. I do know the theater we were in had the smallest screen ever, which was fine, because we were seeing The King's Speech and not, like, Tron.

There were maybe like fifty seats (I really have no idea) in the theater, which is teeny tiny, but it wasn't even full during our show. I don't understand why every showing at this theater isn't standing room only because The Neon serves beer. And wine, I think. Maybe people just don't know.

The couple sitting next to us, in the innermost seats of the aisle, knew this because the guy left in the middle of the movie to get more beer. Which, fine, but he also got up before the movie started to get beer and that meant climbing over four other pairs of legs on his way out. There were plenty of seats on the ends of the aisles, so I'm not sure why they didn't sit there. Whatever, I could have overlooked that had they not been so annoying. The lady kept getting on her iPhone to...I don't know, maybe update Facebook that Colin Firth is still a damn good-looking man? What is that? Get off your phone! And the guy...I don't know what his deal was, but he kept sort of talking to the screen. I think? I mean, he'd just randomly be like, "Ohhhhhh," or, "Uh-huh" and he wasn't even whispering, he was talking louder than the movie.

And he wasn't the only one! There was a guy in the aisle across from ours, sitting in the corner with his companion, and he was SO LOUD. Like, he was almost yelling, I'm totally serious. Joe eventually shushed him and then the beer-getting guy sitting next to me LAUGHED. I chose to believe he was laughing because shushing movie-talkers is hilarious, not because it's funny to talk during movies, otherwise I would have karate chopped his face off.

There are a lot of people in this world that I don't understand, but, Teabaggers aside, movie-talkers are the most mysterious to me. I'm of the belief that once the previews start, you should not say anything unless you're on fire. And even then, you should calmly make your way to one of the exits and wait to start screaming until you're safely out of the theater. That's called being considerate.

So the person who totally disregards the fact that he is not actually sitting at home in his living room? He completely baffles me. What goes on in his head? Anything? Does he think we can't hear him? Or that his comment is so witty that the room will erupt with laughter? Or maybe he just doesn't give a shit...being considerate to others is for commie liberal pussies anyway.

I have been known to shush a person, but only if they're sitting near me. I would actually get up, find an usher, and TOTALLY TATTLE ON THEM if it didn't mean I'd miss part of the movie. I once told the teenage girl in front of me to "get off her fucking phone," during a showing of Mean Girls, after shushing her twice to no avail. I shushed the people behind me during The X-Files movie (the new one) because even though I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND, it's the principle of the thing, you know? And I openly rejoiced when a group of teenagers was publicly shamed by the usher for being obnoxious during Half-Blood Prince BECAUSE YOU DON'T TALK DURING HARRY POTTER.

That said, if you have something really important to say, it's OK to WHISPER it to someone sitting next to you. And when I say "whisper," I mean even the person you're whispering to should BARELY be able to hear you. Like, during The King's Speech, it was obviously really important that I lean over to Joe and tell him that the actress playing Myrtle Logue played Elizabeth Bennet opposite Colin Firth's Mr. Darcy*. But you know what? When Bertie and Myrtle finally meet in the movie? In my head I was all, "MR DARCY AND ELIZABETH BENNET REUNITED," but I squeed in silence, OK? SO SHUT UP.

*I waited until the movie was over to tell him that Mr. Collins was also in it

The latest on Joe and Jennie in the morning!

2011-01-14T09:09:00.000-05:00

1. Joe reviews Lois & Clark: episode 4!

2. I review Lois & Clark: episode 5!

3. I review The X-Files: Pilot! and! Deep Throat! (as Joe said, The X-Files episode, not the porno)

big ball of wibbly-wobbly...timey-wimey...stuff

2011-01-13T09:22:00.000-05:00

I changed my ringtone to the Doctor Who theme and waited and waited for someone to call me so I could hear it and guess what? Not a lot of people call me. Or if they do, they somehow wait until I'm sleeping or in the bathroom or whatever.

Also! My text alert noise is now that VROP noise that the Tardis makes when it appears. Or disappears. Whatever. I forgot about it until Monday, when I was sitting on the sofa and SUDDENLY THE TARDIS WAS LANDING IN MY LIVING ROOM. Except not. Because it was just a text. I may have gotten excited and this conversation may have happened:

Me: I heard my new Tardis text message noise today for the first time.
Joe: Um, OK.
Me: I forgot I changed it, though, and for a minute I thought the Tardis was landing.
Joe: Sigh.

It could happen, you guys, I swear.

So I started writing this yesterday and totally forgot about it. I blame the drugs. For real, the drugs. It's cough medicine, sure, but I still think it's a valid excuse. I was home sick on Monday and took an actual sick day, rather than trying to get work done from home which is what I normally do. Instead, I finished season 5 of Weeds and watched The Office (British version) Christmas special because I wanted to see Tim and Dawn get together. Yeah, that's pretty much the only reason I watched it. Anyway, I was home again on Tuesday because of all the weather and by weather I mean COLD AND SNOW. There are some perks to working so far from home, and being able to work from home because the roads are too snowy/icy is one of them. If I had an SUV or something, I could probably make it in easily but I don't, I have a car that is basically a glorified sled and while I don't mind sliding around all lanes of the highway, the other drivers do. I can't imagine why. My car is bright green, JUST GET OUT OF MY WAY.

I totally forgot to tell you guys something really important, probably because I was too busy talking about Jack Black the time traveler and cat poop, but Heidi (and Nicole!) got engaged over Christmas. You may remember Heidi from such entries as Upside Down Oven Knob and inappropriate conversations about Full House. Sometimes I wonder how we turned into people who get married and adopt animals and buy houses and remodel bathrooms and I get a little sad remembering our crazy days of drinking until 5 in the morning and eat cupcakes for dinner. Then I remember that I spent New Years Eve running around the beach acting like a dinosaur AND I legitimately thought that a time traveling police box might be landing in my living room and I realize not so very much has changed.

GOALS, GOALS, GOALS!

2011-01-06T11:41:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year when you're supposed to vow to be a better person, even though last year you vowed the same thing and how did you do? Did you do as terribly as I did? I was going to post my resolutions from last year to see how I did, but when I looked back at what they were and saw that I'd accomplished very few of them, it sent me into a spiral of depression and self-doubt and that's good for no one. Except for people who like it when I'm sad but those people sound like assholes. Anyway.

I think I really just hate the word "resolution." It's stupid. So these aren't my resolutions for the year, they're my GOALS. Let's go with that.

1. Write with purpose

Not that I don't find it enjoyable to spout complete nonsense on my blog, um, all the time, but my blog is not so much what I'd call "publishable." And I'd very much like to be "publishable" so when people ask me what I do for a living, I can answer with something like "such and sucha writer" instead of how I normally answer, which is with an anguished cry, followed by me bashing my face into a wall until I pass out.

This means less internet time, I think. Not necessarily less blogging time, but less time falling down Wackopedia rabbit holes and watching weepy videos on YouTube. This is probably not specific enough, so I'd like to commit to writing for at least 30 minutes a day. That's about the same amount of time it takes to watch an episode of Weeds, and I've been watching like two or three of those a day. I can probably, PROBABLY, give up at least one episode.

2. Be more active

I have a tendency to become hermit-like, especially in the winter, because it's cold outside and also? My home is awesome, why would I ever want to leave it? But I can't use the cold as an excuse forever because it's cold for like four months here and that's a long time to wait to start having a life.

When I say be more active, I mean physically, of course, but also more active in the community. I volunteer but I'd like to get involved a bit more with that, as well as finding more stuff to do in Dayton. I realize that sounds crazy, because I always complain about how there's nothing to do in Dayton, but that's really not true at all. Whenever we look for stuff to do, there are always a lot of options, but I'm so indecisive that I usually end up doing, um, nothing.

But not tonight! Tonight we're going to a bar! On a school night! To play trivia! Because we are nerds!

3. Cook more, cook healthier

This is always one of my goals, and I think I've been getting better but there's definitely still room for improvement. I got a shitload of cookbooks for Christmas, so I have no excuse for not accomplishing this one. Things are going well so far because I've eaten pretty well since we got back from Florida. The other night I made some yummy raspberry glazed grilled chicken OMG IT WAS SO GOOD. And healthy. Win win win. I don't know.

4. Save more money

Ugh, I'm so bad at this one. Admittedly, I've gotten a lot better than I used to be, but still...the amount of money I blow on crap I don't need is just, well, stupid. I think this will be a lot easier once Joe and I get a joint account (joint checking and savings account, not like an account where we save money to buy joints) because we'll have to have a budget and blah blah blah money stuff is boring. I would like to have more money saved in case we want to ever buy a house or move somewhere awesome or just go on more trips.

5. Figure out how to get Max to stop eating Phoebe's poop

Seriously, dog? Gross. Why are you doing that? We feed you plenty. We play with you. We take you on walks. WHY ARE YOU EATING POOP?

I am taking suggestions on number 5. Like, please, hurry. And nothing obvious like, "clean the litter box more often," because I'm already doing that. I would like to be able to leave it, though, for more than 12 hours, depending on Phoebe's poo schedule. Yes, I just said poo schedule. This post went downhill really quickly. STANDARD.

WHOA

2011-01-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

YOU GUYS. Look at the picture of Paul Revere on his Wackopedia page and tell me that Jack Black is not a time traveler. GO AHEAD. TELL ME.

gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow

2011-01-04T11:26:00.000-05:00

I have sand in my shoes. Sarasota sand, to be specific, and it's such a tease because it's about 30 degrees outside right now. I was wearing these shoes on New Years Eve, which I suppose still doesn't explain why they have sand in them SO HERE GOES.

Joe and I went to Florida last week to visit Lampl and Jon, who moved down there last year to live by the ocean and get away from the Ohio winters. I can't say that I blame them, all the warm weather would be nice, although I think I might miss watching Max play in the snow. But, really, their move was our win, too, because we now have somewhere to stay that's within walking distance to the beach.

We ended up driving down because plane tickets were waaaaaay more expensive than gas, which is kind of sad, really, considering gas is at least three bucks a gallon at the moment. We drove over two days, which ended up working really well because we got to stay in two different hotels, which meant I had two different ice machines to find and play with. Mmm, ice.

We stopped to get gas at some point once we got into Florida and when we got out of the car, it was too hot for a jacket. TOO HOT FOR A JACKET. IN DECEMBER. You would have thought that we'd just witnessed some Harry Potter magic or, like, a band of pixies lift up our car and fly away with it, such was our wonderment. And EVEN BETTER, when we got to Jon and Lampl's, we discovered they had stocked their fridge FULL of Yuengling.

(Sidenote: Guess who forgot to buy any Yuengling on her way out of Florida? THIS KID. Sigh.)

Anyway, when we got there, Lampl was all, "We booked a sunset cruise for all of us on New Year's Eve...it's free...and we get free drinks...but we don't have to do it if you guys don't want to," and I was all, "Lampl, what about that sentence leads you to believe we wouldn't want to do that?" So we did that. And despite all the free drinks and the rocking of the boat, none of us fell overboard. Whoo! We still had a few hours to kill until midnight once we got off the boat, so we hung out at Jon and Lampl's for a bit (after restocking their fridge with beer), ate some pizza, and then went to the beach for midnight festivities.

Once there, we plugged in an iPod, blasted some Girl Talk, and rolled up our jeans so we could frolic in the ocean. The frigid, frigid ocean. I don't know what happened, but I think that beach was some kind of time machine or was blasting immaturity rays or SOMETHING, because we spent most of our time there running around like tiny children hopped up on sugar and caffeine AND CRAZY PILLS. I have been told that I'm like a belligerent (and energetic) four year old when I'm drunk, so maybe it was catching? I don't know. I DO know that when we got there, I started running around in circles, and then we asked for some fireworks from some people down the beach (which we couldn't light on account of the wind), and then Danielle's bra fell off, and then we ran some more, and then we all pretended to be velociraptors and T-Rexes (with teeny little arms) BECAUSE OF COURSE WE DID. We gathered around someone's phone at midnight and I think we celebrated a minute early but whatever, that just meant we got an extra minute of celebration.

We got lost trying to find our way off of the beach, Lampl dropped five beers, and we played a bit of Beatles Rock Band before everyone fell asleep. I got super sad face when we left, not just because it meant I would have to go back to the cold and my job and, you know, REALITY, but because I was leaving behind the warmth and the fun and my BFFs, all of whom were headed in different directions, ALL HOURS AND HOURS AWAY from each other.

But I still have some sand in my shoes, the same shoes I was wearing to ring in the new year (well...they were sitting on the blanket while I ran like a crazy person through the surf, but I think it counts), so I'd like to think a part of me is still on that beach, shouting with laughter (and dinosaur roars), just happy to be with people I love.

Joe and Jennie in the morning

2010-12-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

NOT ONLY did Joe and I watch the entire first season of Community this past weekend, but we also started a new blog. It's HERE. We'll be reviewing TV shows and whatnot. We started with Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman because we were both obsessed with it as tiny children. Come play with us!

Okay, this is ridiculous, I can't believe those two are still bagpiping.

2010-12-21T08:41:00.000-05:00

Context: On How I Met Your Mother, when Old Ted/Bob Saget tells his kids about when he used to smoke the marijuana, he calls it "eating sandwiches" instead. I guess his kids are really dumb and think that eating sandwiches makes you giggle a lot and...eat more sandwiches, but whatever.

More context: We babysat Maddie (two-year-old daughter of some friends) on Saturday. She calls people "silly" sometimes in such a way that her mom says she thinks it sounds like she's really saying "dumbass."

Even more context: This conversation happened while walking Max last night. We met a dog (and owner, I suppose) that was Max's twin. They did not like each other.

This is way too much context for this conversation. Prepare to be underwhelmed.

Me: Max didn't like his evil twin.
Joe: I think he just wanted to say hello. The other dog was mean.
Me: That's SILLY.
Joe: Haha, what a SILLY.
Me: Heh. Let's eat some SANDWICHES.
Joe: Hahaha. Yum.
Me: I mean, who would turn down a sandwich? If someone passes you a sandwich, are you going to say no to a bite?
Joe: No. No, I would not.
Me: BTW, I'm talking about real sandwiches, not pot.
Joe: I know, Liz Lemon. I know.

Anyway. We celebrated Christmas with my dad's side of the family on Saturday and did chocolate martini shots and ate Happy Birthday, Jesus cake in honor of my Grandma. She would have been so proud.

Guess what shoes are completely inappropriate for (snowy/icy) December in Ohio!

2010-12-17T11:59:00.000-05:00

These:

So I will probably wear them again tomorrow.

In honor of Pride and Prejudice week over on Cowbirds in Love*

2010-12-15T08:54:00.000-05:00

Me: I read that Anne Hathaway and James McAvoy are in talks to play Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
Joe: Oh, yeah?
Me: ...yeah.
Joe: Is that bad?
Me: I just...I don't know if James McAvoy is right to play Mr. Darcy.
Joe: No?
Me: I don't think he's tall enough.
Joe: Wha?
Me: In my head, Mr. Darcy is really tall and I think James McAvoy is kind of short.
Joe: Haha, is he?
Me: Maybe he could stand on a box or something.

I think James McAvoy is totally dreamy but I don't know if he's Darcy dreamy. Mr. Bingley dreamy, maybe.

*thank you, srah, for introducing me to Cowbirds in Love

Welcome to Fluffytown. No smoking, no farting, no pillow fights.

2010-12-08T04:28:00.000-05:00

Prompt: Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth's gravitational pull?

2010-12-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Two things happened this year that made me feel alive, two things that are opposite sides of the same coin, really. I got married in September, a day full of happiness and fun and love, and then my grandma died in October and there were days of sadness and family and, you guessed it, love again.

When I think about both events, spending time with friends in the days before the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, the day itself, and a month later, the last time I saw Grandma, the visitation, the funeral, the days of confusion, I tend to focus on specific moments, the most important flashing through my mind in quick succession.

My grandma couldn't come to the wedding, but she was present that day. The pastor surprised us all by taking a moment to remember her during the ceremony, and I concentrated on blinking away the tears that quickly formed in my eyes. I sat next to my great-aunt, my Grandma's twin sister, after the ceremony and she held my hand, told me how the pastor's words had touched her, and we sat for a quiet moment together.

The wedding ceremony itself was a blur. My feet hurt, my arm was tired from holding the bouquet, and my cheeks already ached from smiling and laughing. We were so happy, walking out into the church foyer after the ceremony, holding hands, hugging friends and family, taking a giddy ride to the reception.

The reception was...I don't even know. There was Twister and dancing and there were fake mustaches EVERYWHERE, there were cupcakes and soft pretzels, and a bottle of wine and Hogwarts being passed around on the dance floor. I danced with my family and old friends and new friends and did I mention Hogwarts? I walked arm in arm to the bar (naturally) with my dad to get a drink, grinned at my parents dancing with their best friends, delighted in seeing my sister dance with mine. If the wedding ceremony was a blur, the reception was even hazier, a crazy whirligig of fun, if you will (™ Xander Harris), a funhouse ride swirling us about in an uncontrollable dance, finally spitting us back out at my parents' house for more celebration.

There was a moment, though, at my parents' house, that my dad and his brother and sister and I stood in a huddle in the kitchen, arms around shoulders, friends and family eddying around us. I don't remember who said it or how it was said, but someone made reference to how much fun Grandma would have had and how much she'd been missed that day, and we stood there, all bittersweet smiles and aching hearts, until we were swept away by the general merriment of the night. We didn't know she would be gone in a month. How could we?

The days of her visitation and funeral passed in a similar blur, but with more tears. My eyes were swollen from a week of crying and still my body had more tears, my high-heeled feet hurt, my heart hurt, and all I wanted to do was hide. But, as always seems to happen, those times when you want to run and hide are exactly the times you can't, and so I went to the visitation, made small talk with almost-strangers and kept my eye on my family, gravitating to whoever might need me most. I went to the funeral, jumped up to read when it was my turn, and spent the rest of it with my eyes forward, tears streaming down my face, holding Joe's hand, my other arm around my sister's shoulders.

It was a sunny autumn day, brisk but not cold, as we gathered around the graveside to say our final goodbyes. I tried not to stumble in my heels. I smiled at my sister, put a rose on other family plots, hugged a crying cousin as we walked away from Grandma one last time. I felt too alive that day and all too human.

We went to my parents' house after both the wedding reception and the funeral, my entire family gathered, joyous to be together, missing those not there, and all of us grinning and crying and laughing, just grateful to be alive and loving each other.

Breakin' the law, breakin' the law!

2010-12-06T08:46:00.000-05:00

I'm going out of order, so there: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

This may not sound like any big whoop but Joe and I didn't go out to dinner at all this past weekend. AND. We didn't order pizza or Chinese or any other food deliverables, either. No. We cooked. Like, using real recipes and everything. This is weird because, in my mind, the weekend = going out to dinner. I don't know why. That's just how it is. So, in order to break the habit, we didn't go out to eat all weekend.

This is in an effort to eat healthier and, just as important, save some money. Plus, as it turns out, I actually enjoy cooking. I know. I KNOW. Who am I? I made banana bread on Saturday and then spent I don't know how long grilling and skinning (ew) red peppers to make a red pepper sauce to have with dinner (chicken) and just...what? But it was so good! And I got to use some wedding gifts, so win win win.

Yesterday, I finally dislodged the stand mixer from the pile of wedding gifts we haven't unpacked yet (because we have nowhere to put them and so they sit, unused and depressed, just like all the enchanted crap in the Beast's castle) and found a place for it in the kitchen. I flipped through the recipes that came with it and decided to try the brownies, mostly because I wanted an excuse to eat some brownie batter. This is kind of embarrassing, but I was totally intimidated by this mixer, like, I don't know, maybe because it's so heavy? Heavy machines tend to be the most dangerous (LOGIC) and that means the stand mixer is the kitchen appliance most likely to hurt me. Unless, like, the refrigerator falls on me or something WHICH COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN. The brownies were good (but not as good as these) and BONUS the mixer did not kill me or hurt me at all. At least not yet. I'm keeping my eye on it. Anyway. I think I'm going to try some chocolate chip cookies next. Yes, mostly to eat chocolate chip cookie dough, WHAT OF IT?

I’m cool dad, that’s my thang. I’m hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face?

2010-12-03T14:11:00.000-05:00

Day 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

(Right now, Doctor Who is keeping me from writing but I don't think that counts.)

This is easy, really, because the thing I do each day that doesn't contribute to my writing is, well, this. You're looking at it. Kind of, I mean, the internet is this huge, intangible thing, but if I'm completely honest with myself, it's really the thing that keeps me from doing all of the other productive things I could theoretically be doing if I wasn't busy trying to get my unread items in Google Reader down to a reasonable number.

I wouldn't change it for the world, though. It's given me friendships and a husband and countless hours of entertainment. If it weren't for the internet, I would never have tried NaNo and written two (sort of) novels. I would never have seen this. I would never have experienced the Thanksgiving Miracle.

I thought about trying to calculate the number of words I've spewed all over these here internets, but it seemed like a lot of math so...I didn't. But between Long Story Short and Wonder Killer and The Collective, not to mention various other long-forgotten, infrequently-updated projects, I'd put the number close to 89 GAJILLION.

Might my time have been better spent doing something else? Maybe. But this (and this and this) is what I did and what's did is done. And you know what? I wouldn't do a damn thing differently.

So, no, I guess. I can't eliminate it. And I think maybe that's OK.

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE PUPPIES?!

2010-12-02T10:09:00.000-05:00

I've decided to participate in Reverb 10 because...well, why not? Also! FREE BLOG TOPICS that I don't even have to think up myself. I'm a day behind (naturally) so I might skip a day if I don't like the topic because you wanna know why? It's a free country, so there.

Anyway. Here's the first prompt:

December 1: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?(Author: Gwen Bell)

2010: Change

This year I lost a roommate of four years (sniff) but gained a roommate who I'll hopefully live with for way more than four years (hee). I got married and got a dog, only not in that order. I gained some amazing new family members and lost a beloved grandmother.

I've never been good with change and this year was chock-full of it. I think I've handled it all rather well, especially considering how much I pissed and moaned a few years ago over teeny baby changes like getting a new car. Is this growing up? (I wish there was a word for "shrugging shoulders." Meh? I don't know.)

2011: Challenge

Maybe it sounds weird to say that I'd like next year to be a challenge. I suppose it would be more accurate to say that I'd like to be challenged more next year, creatively and professionally and dare I say physically? I'd like to run more, even when I don't feel like it. I'd like to write more, especially when I don't feel like it. And I'd like to have a job that doesn't make me want to stab puppies on a regular basis. So if you'd like to give me one of those jobs, that'd be great. I mean, think of the puppies, you heartless bastards.

last post of November PLUS 10 on Tuesday

2010-11-30T11:21:00.000-05:00

So. I won NaNoWriMo. I finished writing 50,000 words yesterday, verified it on the NaNo site, and was proclaimed a winner, but I didn't feel like one. I actually felt very meh about it and I think it's because I didn't really care about my story at all. I only finished it out of spite, really, because I wanted to say I won. It's finished in that it's more than 50,000 words long, but it's not finished in that it comes to a satisfying ending. And it probably never will because it's SO BAD that I never want to think about it again. Note to self: don't start knocking up characters and having others make out and letting people get kidnapped by bad guys JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. Anyway. NaNo is over and, once I post this, NaBlo is also over so I'm left feeling all, "now what?"

Well, right now, "now what" means 10 on Tuesday so...that's something, I guess. Wah wah waaaaaah.

1. Where are you from? Have you lived there your whole life?

I am from Narnia or Hogwarts or Terabithia, which really means I live inside my head and, yes, I've lived there my whole life.

2. How would you classify your clothing style?

Half-assed.

3. What kind of car do you drive?

A blue one.

4. What would your dream home look like if you could have it (or already do!)?

It would look like Hogwarts, obviously. And it would have a time machine (with a clear titanium bubble) in the garage.

5. Do you have kids, and if so, how many and how old were you when you had them?

I don't have any that I know of.

6. What is your favorite hobby?

I would say reading, but reading is more of a necessity to me than a hobby in that I NEED IT TO LIVE.

7. Are you going to have any New Year’s resolutions for 2011?

Probably.

8. What is something, if anything, that you’d want to change about yourself?

Well, I wish I could fly, if that's what you mean.

9. What is something that you love about yourself?

I hate these questions.

10. Pick one of the following: Someone to cook for you, someone to do your laundry, or someone to do your dishes.

All of the above, duh.

YOU GUYS

2010-11-29T08:25:00.000-05:00

I would like to share with you the funniest thing I have ever seen, courtesy of The Soup. You're welcome. Trust me...just...you're welcome.

Buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?

2010-11-28T17:08:00.000-05:00

Decorating, DONE.

this is me blogging

2010-11-27T20:35:00.000-05:00

Because I almost forgot to blog today. Blog blog blog blogging blog blog.

PS: the peppermint Joe Joe's ARE THE GREATEST COOKIE EVER MADE. I want to buy them for everyone I know.

Black Friday

2010-11-26T18:21:00.000-05:00

So it's like the number one shopping day of the entire year or whatever and here is what I've purchased:

a case of wine
salsa
tortilla chips
a wedge of cheese
crackers
peppermint Joe-Joes
a cafe mocha

I'm pretty pleased with all of it.

Happy Slapsgiving, everybody!

2010-11-25T07:06:00.000-05:00

I don't want to freak anyone out but I think my superpowers might be coming in, because last night, Joe and I were sitting on the couch and reading and I started whistling this:

And then Joe left and I turned on the TV and Aladdin was on and THAT EXACTLY SONG WAS ABOUT TO START YOU GUYS I'M TOTALLY PSYCHIC! I wonder if my new psychic powers will ever start telling me anything important. Not that finding Aladdin on TV isn't important. If I hadn't found Aladdin on TV then I wouldn't have looked at the TiVo guide and seen that Beauty & the Beast was on after Aladdin. That's totally important.

So, today I am thankful for my psychic powers. Because it's Thanksgiving. See what I did there?

I was on that island for what seems like an eternity. I want to enjoy things on the other side.

2010-11-24T15:01:00.000-05:00

OK, so I pretty much still have no idea what to write about for NaBloMe but I have about 10,000 words left to NaNo so I'm calling today a win. Anyway, apparently there's this thing called Ten on Tuesday and I don't even care that it's Wednesday, I'm doing it today SO THERE, INTERNET, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?

Before I get to the questions, I do have some thoughts about recent pop culture events.

1. Hurley was on How I Met Your Mother and IT. WAS. AWESOME.

2. I've been reading The Walking Dead graphic novels but I have to take frequent breaks because the dialogue, you guys...the dialogue is so bad that it's distracting and I hate it because it's ruining the story. The way the characters talk is, like, not how real people talk or have ever talked in the history of humanity. Also! The female characters are just awful. Actually, most of the male characters aren't that great, either. I know it sounds like I'm not enjoying the series and...that's just because I'm not sure I am.

3. Speaking of The Walking Dead, I love the TV show. Like, a lot, even though watching it makes me all tense and sometimes also like I want to vomit. But wtf, why are all of these survivors CAMPING?! Tents don't even keep out bears, why would they think they might keep out zombies? I don't care how far away from the city they are, they are OUTSIDE. Zombies are outside. Go inside, dumbasses, and lock the doors! It's like no one in zombie movies (...TV shows, whatever) has ever seen a zombie movie before.

Anyway, Ten on Tuesday stolen from here.

1. If you won the lottery, what would be your one random, off-the-wall purchase?

Penguin. And penguin habitat.

2. What is popular now that you just don’t get?

Two and a Half Men (duh). Taylor Swift. Jersey Shore. Dancing with the Stars. Sarah Palin. Mind-boggling stupidity.

3. What would your last meal, you know, if you were ever about to be executed and you got to choose that sort of thing?

Chimichangas with quacamole and rice and chips and salsa and margarita. Side of mashed potatoes. What, it's my last meal, I DO WHAT I WANT.

4. When is it okay to start listening to Christmas music?

I used to say after Thanksgiving, but I started listening to it a few days ago so clearly the week of Thanksgiving is now OK.

5. How do you feel about facial hair on men?

Big fan.

6. McDonald’s or Burger King? Those are the only two options.

Fuck you, I pick Wendy's.

7. What kind of soap do you use?

Whatever's on sale?

8. What movie can you watch over and over and never get tired of?

SO MANY. Bridget Jones's Diary. Pride and Prejudice. You've Got Mail. The Princess Bride. Shaun of the Dead. Mary Poppins. Goonies.

9. Favorite beverage?

Dude, I don't care.

10. What do you want for Christmas?

I already got a puppy. WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY WANT?

I am a bathroom martian. Beep. Boop. Boop. I am from the nebula of the great toilet.

2010-11-23T13:33:00.000-05:00

Hypothetically, which is worse: putting on your underwear inside out or not noticing that your underwear is on inside out for like, the whole day?

I'm not asking for any specific reason OH NO I'M NOT. I'm definitely not asking because I put my underwear on inside out yesterday and even if I did, it's definitely the first time that's ever happened I'VE NEVER EVER DONE THAT BEFORE SHUT UP YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING.

Why am I writing about my underwear, right-side-out or inside-out, you might ask? It's because I have NOTHING ELSE TO WRITE ABOUT. NaNoWriMo is taking up all of my words, all the words that I've ever had in my head, and they're not even good words! Seriously! I sort of hate my novel (IT'S SO BAD) and the only reason I'm still writing it is because I said I would win and so win I shall.

I am eating the biggest grapes right now, you guys. THEY ARE SO BIG THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

Last night, Max did a funny dog thing (hahaha funny dogs are funny) only it wasn't really funny, it was annoying because I was trying to sleep. Want to know why I was trying to sleep? Cause it was 2 in the morning. Anyway, I don't know if the storm woke him up or what but I got up to go to the bathroom, and when I came back, he was standing by my side of the bed, wiggling his little body to and fro as if it were time to get up for the day. And I was all, "IT IS NOT TIME TO GET UP FOR THE DAY GET IN YOUR BED!" but all he heard was, "I AM SAYING WORDS TO YOU SO YOU WAG YOUR TAIL HARDER SO PLEASE WAG YOUR TAIL HARDER AND MAYBE HOP UP AND DOWN A FEW TIMES SO I CAN SEE HOW CUTE YOU ARE!"

This, plus Phoebe's nightly attempts to curl up in the small space above my head on my pillow (THERE IS NO ROOM FOR YOU, CAT) and also all the windy windy rain, meant I did not sleep very well last night. But I don't care because it's almost that special time of year where it's totally acceptable for me to eat three heaping platefuls of mashed potatoes which, coincidentally, is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

BLEEEEEEEEEH

2010-11-22T12:19:00.000-05:00

You guys! I don't wanna blog or write anymore this month! I don't wanna! I want to quit so hard right now.

Does this count as blogging? Yes, yes it does. I'm still winning. So THERE, November.

I've got a theory...it could be bunnies!

2010-11-21T18:30:00.000-05:00

Hey. Here are some pictures that Joe and I drew on napkins at a restaurant one time. YOU'RE WELCOME.

Phoning it in, before I forget to post (SPOILERS, AHOY)

2010-11-20T16:51:00.000-05:00

Parts of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) that made me cry:

1. Hedwig! It was even sadder than the book HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
2. Hermione wiping her parents' memories...good lord.
3. Everyone fretting over (St.) George.
4. Harry finding his parents' graves.
5. Dobby. Effing Dobby.

Parts of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) that made my heart melt:

1. Ron's face as Hermione taught him how to play the piano.
2. Hermione's face when Ron told them how he found them.
3. These will actually all just be Hermione and Ron related, so I'll stop now.

Parts of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1) that made me feel icky:

1. Harry and Hermione dancing, until it got goofy.
2. Harry and Hermione topless-making-out in Ron's scary waking nightmare thing. Gross. I need to wash my eyes with bleach.

We mustn't dwell. No, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning day!

2010-11-19T10:20:00.000-05:00

Most evenings, I spend a little time picking out what I'm going to wear the following day. It saves time in the morning, it really does, which is awesome because A) it means I'm on time for work (...most of the time) and B) it means I get to sleep as long as possible.

I forget sometimes, though, and on those days I think about what I'm going to wear while I'm getting ready because then, by the time I'm about to get dressed, I know exactly what clothes I need to rip out of my closet. This morning, I thought I knew what I was going to wear and I was like, "oh, hell yeah, snooze button!" but when I woke up, I realized in horror that I couldn't possibly wear what I was planning to wear because DUN DUN DUUUUUN the shirt I was planning on wearing was way too close to Slytherin colors! I can't wear Slytherin colors today! Not on Harry Potter Day!

So instead, I'm wearing a maroon shirt because obviously I need to show my support for Gryffindor and I didn't have time to make a Luna-Lovegood-Lion-Head. I told Joe about this when I woke up, and it went something like this, "I almost wore this green shirt today but then I realized it was Slytherin colors! SLYTHERIN! So I had to change it real fast and wear this shirt so I was wearing Gryffindor colors! GRYFFINDOR! IT'S HARRY POTTER DAY!" and he looked at me like I was nusto bananas (standard) and I was like, "You collect toys and comics LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING," and he was all, "calm down, psycho," because he wasn't really looking at me like I'm nusto bananas (much), it was that he had just woken up and I was all awake and talking REALLYREALLYFAST like the micromachine guy. Remember the micromachine guy? He was on Saved by the Bell one time. True story.

Also, in other Harry Potter news, I totally won the bet. I finished Deathly Hallows around 9 last night, and that was even after I had to take a break because I was crying. That book gives me so much sad, especially toward the end, and I usually get to a certain point where I can't read anymore because of all the tears. Stupid feelings.

GRYFFINDOR!!!!11!!1!!!!1!

We're having a FIRE!!! ...(sale)

2010-11-18T15:14:00.000-05:00

Oh, man, check it out, you guys. I found the beginning of my NaNo story from 2005. That year, I wrote for two days. I am doing way better this year. At least as far as wordcount. I can't speak to the quality but WHATEVER. NaNo will soon be my bitch. And so will Harry Potter (the books, not the person). I just can't help thinking how nice it'll be next week when I've won the bet and have all this extra time to write while Joe is making me dinner. Hee.

Anyway, here's my 2005 story, all...like, one chapter of it. This totally counts as blogging today because you guys have never read it before. I WIN. WARNING: the following is pretty bad but what else are you going to do? Work? I don't think so.

The worst part about my car accident, and I do mean this, was the unfortunate fact that I was listening to The Backstreet Boys when it happened. I have a hazy memory of paramedics lifting me out of the driver’s seat while “I Want it That Way,” blasted from the car stereo. The part of the memory that I’m hoping did not happen was me singing along. Unfortunately, since the paramedics kept referring to me as “Backstreet Girl,” I have a feeling I did not make that up. Par for the course.

Most people don’t think that’s the worst thing that happened to me. When I told my brother that, Mike surreptitiously glanced at the wheelchair I’d been tethered to since the accident.

“I know,” I said. “I can’t move my legs, blah, blah, but come on. THE BACKSTREET BOYS.”

He sighed and shook his head. “You’re right, that is pretty bad.”

“I mean, N’Sync would have been a little bit less embarrassing. At least Justin Timberlake turned out not to be just some no-talent, bloated, singing douchebag --,” I started.

“Nice,” Mike interrupted.

“But Nick Carter? Howie D? That’s just sad. And why do I know their names?”

“That is an intriguing question.”

“Jesus.”

“Yep, pretty much,” Mike said. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else, but closed it. He did this a few more times before he noticed I’d seen him.

“Hey, FishBoy, what’s up?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you. Mom told me it would embarrass you,” he said.

“Is it more embarrassing than The Backstreet Boys?” I asked.

“Alex. I am telling you. You don’t want to know.”

“Oh, just tell me! I can handle it,” I said, and straightened the blanket over my legs.

“Well,” he looked down. “Apparently you confessed your love to one of the paramedics.”

“Oh shut up! I did not,” I could feel my face redden.

“You so did. He was quite smitten, I think. He came to visit you when you were . . . out.”

“Oh, damn. That’s hot,” I said.

“Ok, Paris. So are you embarrassed?”

“I’m so not,” I contended, trying to will my face to return to a normal color.

“You’re face is pretty red and --”

“Shut it, I’m not.”

“Ok, Ok. Listen,” he said. “I’ve gotta go to work but I’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Sure, no problem,” I said. “Have they said when I can leave yet?”

“Alex . . .”

“I’m just so sick of this place,” I said, blinking away tears. “Ha, get it? Sick of it?”

“Hilarious,” Mike said and grasped my hand. “They want to keep you here for physical therapy, at least at first. They think it will help.”

“Right, I know,” I said and wiped my eyes. “Go! Go to work or you’ll be late and get fired and end up unemployed like me.”

“Oh, shut up,” he laughed. “See you later. Love you.”

“Love you, too, sissy.”

His laughter followed him out of my room and then I was left in silence. Well, kind of. The hospital is freaking loud. I mean, when you think about the last time you visited someone in the hospital, you were probably only there for a couple of hours, at most. It wasn’t that loud, was it? But when you live here, loudness takes a different form. It’s relative. Sure, there aren’t fire alarms and air horns going off in the hallway, but when a place is that quiet even the softest noise is jarring. The beeping of the machines, the rattle of the food carts, nurses laughing, it all gets very annoying eventually.

Luckily, I don’t hear many people crying. I’m not on that floor, not anymore, and when I was I wasn’t aware of much of anything so the most sadness I’ve had to deal with are the looks of pain and guilt in my mother’s eyes. Which makes me feel guilty. Which makes me sad, which makes her sad and it’s all just a vicious, annoying cycle of sadness.

At least I’ve gotten to catch up on my reading. You know that list of the 100 books you’re supposed to read before you die? I’m on number 57. Also, I haven’t had to shave my legs in like, forever. It’s kind of disgusting, sure, but if anyone stares or says anything it makes them the bad guy because I’ve got bigger problems. Ha. Jerks.

This hospital does have a pretty sweet entertainment hookup. What I mean is, they have a TV and they let my brother bring in a DVD player to hook to it. I can quote the entire first season of Arrested Development, which I’m sure is a talent I can add to my resume.

My favorite pastime here, though, has to be sleeping. If you do it during the day you can say you’re napping. But, you can also go to bed at 7:30 and not get up until noon the next day. Then you can take a nap after lunch. Really, if you think about it, you can spend the entire day sleeping and no one would really know. Or care, because, hey, you’re in a hospital, what else are you supposed to do. Maybe I can get a candy striper uniform so I’ll have something to do.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s naptime.

Jennie Baxla and the Severe Tire Damage

2010-11-17T09:28:00.000-05:00

Here is how last night was supposed to go: leave work, go to volunteering, go home, eat a nutritious dinner, read Harry Potter, go to sleep.

Here is how it happened instead: left work, ran into something hella crazy in the road, got a flat tire, called AAA, waiting in rainy parking lot, drove car to (closed) Tire Discounters, ate Donatos for dinner instead of healthy chicken, read Harry Potter, stayed up to late, went to sleep.

The tire damage part of it happened like this:

I had to draw a picture because I'm having trouble explaining to people exactly what happened. But I'll try. For what are we without words? Animals, I guess. Except some animals can talk. Like parrots. And gorillas. They talk with their hands sometimes. Anyway.

I was seriously five minutes away from volunteering and not late or anything, so I wasn't even speeding (for once). It was raining pretty hard and the road was all shiny. Not good shiny like in Firefly, but bad shiny as in POOR VISIBILITY. And I was driving through construction and the lane kept going all topsy turvy and different directions so sometimes I don't think I was even in a lane, and as I went through the intersection all of the sudden there was this cement curb island thing RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and so I swerved but not enough and I totally ran over it AND THEN MY CAR FLIPPED OVER AND OVER BUT I LANDED RIGHT SIDE UP AND PULLED INTO AN ALLSTATE PARKING LOT OH YEAH FIRE FIRE EXPLOSION GRYFFINDOR! Oh wait, the Gryffindor thing...I will that explain later.

It all happened just like that except for the fire and explosion. I sat in the parking lot for a moment, all shaky, and then called the cavalry (Joe and AAA). In my heart, I hoped that AAA could fix the tire but in my head I knew it was effed. Sure enough, when the tow truck arrived and he took the tire off, the wheel was all bent and shit and apparently wheels are never, ever supposed to be bent and shit. So the AAA guy put my spare on and then put air in the spare because why wouldn't my spare be almost flat, too? What, like I'm suppose to be prepared? Eff that, you guys. Then the AAA guy told me how much money he'd made in six months and how he was excited for it to snow because it meant he'd make even more money and I was like, "Dude, I know your job depends on the misfortune of others but could you try not to sport so much wood when you talk about it? Especially next to my poor, poor car? She's already traumatized enough."

But. OK. So as I was waiting for AAA to get there, a van pulled into a parking spot near me. I spied on them (obviously) and they got out of the car to look at their front passenger side tire and I was like, "huh," but I stayed in my car because it was raining and cold outside. Then the tow truck got there and the Van Guy came over to my car and this happened:

Van Guy: Is there something wrong with your car?
Jennie's Brain: Um, there's a tow truck here, wtf do you think?
Jennie Out Loud: Yeah, I got a flat tire.
Van Guy: Did you run over that thing in the road back there by the gas station?
Jennie's Brain: HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT, ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME?
Jennie Out Loud: Yes! Did that happen to you, too?
Van Guy: Sure did.

Then he started talking to my tow truck driver and I was all, "THAT'S MY TOW TRUCK DRIVER! STOP BOGARTING MY TOW TRUCK GUY!" and then the tow truck driver told us that whatever we'd both hit had caused an accident last week. Way to go, Dayton. Anyway, around this time, I noticed that the Van Guy was wearing a Gryffindor shirt.

Jennie's Brain: OMG, he's wearing a Gryffindor shirt!
Jennie Out Loud: I like your shirt, guy.
Jennie's Brain: BETTER BE...GRYFFINDOR!

The end.

The worst thing about prison was the dementors.

2010-11-16T10:51:00.000-05:00

1. It is misty and gloomy today, I think probably because there are dementors around or something. As I do not (yet) have a magic wand, I cannot produce a Patronus to get rid of them. Sorry. I will work on this.

2. When I was on my way home from work yesterday, I pulled up behind a car with the following bumper stickers: "JUST BE NICE" and "If only those with closed minds also had closed mouths." Then a truck pulled up next to that car. The truck had the following bumper stickers: "OBUMMA," "YOU LIE" (with the O being, of course, the Obama O), and "Undocumented Worker" next to a picture of Obama. CHARMING. It made me sigh a lot.

3. Slightly related to #2 (heh), I would like to start a religion based on the JUST BE NICE bumper sticker. Because, OMG people, JUST BE FUCKING NICE TO EACH OTHER.

project(s) update = yaaaaawn

2010-11-15T13:23:00.000-05:00

Hey, look at that, it's November 15th, which means the month is HALF OVER. How did that happen? November seems to be the month of projects or something and I figured since the month is half over, I'd report on my progress. STAY TUNED FOR EXCITEMENT, EVERYONE. And by excitement, I mean this will be really boring, probably, but try and stay awake, will you? Thanks.

NaBloPoMo: Well, I've posted every day, so technically it's going fine but I feel like I'm cheating because the quality of my posts...well...let's just say there have been a lot of Youtube videos.

Harry Potter Read-a-thon: I am so gonna win. I'm about halfway done with Half-Blood Prince. I don't anticipate Dealthy Hallows taking very long because once I get to a certain point, I am physically unable to put the book down.

NaNoWriMo: I am almost to the halfway point. I think I'm a couple thousand words away from 25,000, so I'm hopeful that I can write a little extra each day and finish on time. Once I'm done with Harry Potter, I should have a lot more time to write.

30 Days of Harry Potter: Um, I've missed a ton of days on this. So here, really quick, are my answers to the questions I've missed so far. Oopsies.

Favorite magical creature

Buckbeak!

Favorite professor

Loony Loopy Lupin!

Who would you want to be friends with at Hogwarts?

Luna Lovegood!

What pet would you want to have? (owl, cat, rat or toad)

Owl!

Favorite spell

Accio all my crap! I'm lazy so this one would be perfect.

Top 3 least favorite characters

I hate Umbridge enough to count for three people, so Umbridge, Umbridge, Umbridge!

Max hoped Mary would write again. He'd always wanted a friend. A friend that wasn't invisible, a pet, or rubber figurine.

2010-11-14T16:32:00.000-05:00

You guys. Joe and I watched this movie last night and it gave me Pixar-level FEELINGS. I thought it was just going to be, like, funny and cute but IT MADE ME CRY. How dare you, movie. Anyway, I highly recommend it, if you're looking to cry...like, in a good way.

Nobody reads blogs on the weekend so here are some baby otters

2010-11-13T13:42:00.000-05:00