I'll be up in the gym just WORKIN' ON MY FITNESS*

I had been doing really well with the whole working out thing, until Monday because I started to feel like poo because my mom gave me her germs, which is sweet and all, but really I wish she'd kept them all for herself. Because that's the kind of daughter I am, I will make that kind of sacrifice. Anyway, before the sickness, I was alternating between running and stuff in the fitness room and doing Jillian's 30 Day Shred.

I managed to move on to Level 2 of the Shred, even though most of the time it made me want to die, but I started to get really bored. I was tired of watching Jillian flirt with Natalie and fawn over Anita's abs. I didn't want to listen to her tell me about how she was making big promises, and that's why she was torturing me, or that she wanted me to feel like I was gonna die (the hell, Jillian?) because I was BORED. I was getting so bored that, since I had the DVD memorized, I was doing it without the aid of the DVD while I watched something else. And I was still bored! Also, tired.

So I bought a couple of her other videos. They're both about 50 minutes long (counting warm up and cool down) and so I figured they might be easier than the Shred. The Shred is only 25 minutes long, so I thought the intensity would be more spread out in the longer videos. This is similar to my theory that tinier animals and people are meaner than bigger animals and people because the evil is more concentrated. (See: little yappy dogs VS. big sweet dogs.) Never mind that I came up with this theory as I was explaining to my friend how scientists had cloned an elephant, but like a collie-sized elephant, and it was really cute but also really mean and would try to poke people with its tiny tusks and it wasn't until I was halfway through my explanation and she was staring at me like I had three heads that I remembered that I had read about this IN A WORK OF FICTION, not on the news. But I still think my theory makes total sense.

Anyway. I did one of the videos last night and now I'm afraid to do the other one. My new heart rate monitor watch said I burned 700 calories, which I really doubt is true but you know? I have never sweat so much in my life and today my entire body feels like I spent the night throwing myself down the stairs over and over so maybe it was accurate. There were moments when I actually cried out, "THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE, JILLIAN!" She for realsies tried to kill me. Toward the end, she was all, "now we're going to do mat work" and I was like, "yay, lying on the floor!" but that was the worst part of the whole workout! You guys, SHE IS EVIL. It's because she's so tiny, see, THEORY VALIDATED.

*yeah, I just quoted Fergie SUCK IT

If a body catch a body comin' through the rye

There are very few storytellers who can stop you dead in your tracks, make you put the book down and gaze into the space in front of you with wide-eyed wonder and let loose your best Keanu-Reeves-WHOA. JD Salinger was one of those storytellers.

The news of his death isn't that old, but I'm sure others will write far more touching tributes than I ever could. Instead, I think I'll just go read some Bananafish.

Skittles is more fun than Rock Band YEAH I SAID IT

So this weekend was full of social activities, which I don't normally condone on account of I need alone time or my brain explodes. But I must have been feeling particular social or something because my brain didn't explode at all the entire weekend.

We went to a gathering at Joe's friend Jessica's on Friday, and little, baby Maddie was there, who is like, totally awesome, especially for a baby. I guess technically she's not really a baby anymore, she's like an old baby or a toddler or something, but whatever. She's learning to say lots and lots more and almost everything she says is FREAKING ADORABLE. When we first got to Jessica's house, Joe and his friends went in various directions to do adult things and I followed Maddie into the other room so we could play with toys and color, which is more on my level anyway. And now I bring you, Conversations With a Baby:

Me [pointing at a lion in her book]: What's this?
Maddie: Lion. Lion hops!
Me: Um, yes, the lion hops. Like a bunny.
Maddie: Diaper.
Me: ...diaper?
Maddie: Diaper on my butt.
Me: OMG, aren't you potty training? You're not wearing a diaper! JESSICA!

and later, while "reading" an ABC book:

Me: What's this?
Maddie: A!
Me: What's this?
Maddie: B!
Me [pointing at a bird]: What about this?
Maddie: Tweet tweet!

And then my heart just BOOM melted all over the floor and I had to apologize to Jessica for making a mess on the carpet but really it's her fault for having such a cute baby.

Anyway. Then we all ate fajitas and talked about life, the universe, and everything and then Joe and I went home and watched Veronica Mars so, you know, it was the best night ever. Until Saturday night, because we ate loads of Italian food and then went to Wancy's for game night. I love Nancy's house because she has so much fun stuff there. It's sort of like a carnival and if you don't believe me, WELL, she had a hot dog rotator machine AND a popcorn machine plugged in and ready for munching as soon as we got there. At some point, Wayne convinced Joe and Jody to follow him to the basement to see...I don't remember, construction or something, but after a while we heard shouts of jubilation and we were all, "wtf are they doing?" So Nancy told us they were probably playing Skittles and I said, "they're eating Skittles?" and she was like, "you are the dumbest person I know," and I said, "I KNOW THAT, but where are the Skittles?"

Anyway, it turns out that Skittles is an actual game where you spin tops with a string so they careen around a wooden board, knocking over pins although, if you're me, the top goes flying off of the board, almost hitting your friends in their eyeballs, and spins around on the floor instead of the table. I was going to try and draw you a picture but I can't really draw and the picture ended up looking like this:



So instead, just go here and see for yourself the awesomeness of this game. Joe and I are totally registering for it.

Delurking Day 2010

Apparently today is Delurking Day.

IT'S A HOLIDAY! Why am I at work again? Oh, right, money.

I have no idea how many people read this blog, let alone how many read it and don't comment, because I'm not as obsessive as I once was about checking my stats. That's not to say I don't care about you all. How could you even suggest such a thing? You know I love you. Why do you do this, Internet? Why do you test my love? WHY?

Anyway! I keep forgetting to mention this, but I've been getting presents in my Inbox every week. I love checking my email and seeing that someone has commented on my blog, because as I've mentioned, my self-esteem is directly related to how many comments I get on any particular post, and lately I've been getting comments on really old posts from someone called "Anonymous." How mysterious! Anyway. He/She/It has been leaving such gems as:

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

and:

Wow! what an idea ! What a concept ! Beautiful .. Amazing …

also:

Don't you love me. You can see my pics here. (oh, Anonymous, you cheeky monkey)

and more:

Dear Author killingwonder.blogspot.com ! It is remarkable, it is the amusing information

Sometimes Anonymous gets upset with me...I think:

I wish not concur on it. I assume polite post. Particularly the designation attracted me to be familiar with the sound story.

and my favorite:

...please where can I buy a unicorn?

I wish I could tell you all where to buy a unicorn, but I can't. Not because I don't know where you can buy a unicorn, but because one shouldn't OWN a unicorn. They are free and beautiful creatures. Just ask Hagrid.

However, if you delurk today, I promise to be better about answering comments from now on, because I pretty much suck at that. True story.

OK, smartie, go to a party

Oh, hi! Guess what? It turns out that working full-time really puts a dent in my Doing Nothing time. It's unfortunate. Those 12 days I had off of work were BEAUTIFUL. I finally had time to do all the reading/movie-watching/internet-surfing I wanted. No stress! I think it's high time someone started paying me to Do Nothing professionally because I'm really good at it.

Then work started again and I'm all exhausted by the time I get home. I have an entirely new workload because of some reorganization that went on at the end of last year and it's much more stressful than my old workload. Still. It's also more fun than my old workload, so that's something. I'm sure I'll be used to it soon.

My main dilemma today is that I've been listening to the Glee soundtrack all day (between conference calls) and do you know how hard it is not to sing along with Somebody to Love? Turns out? Really hard. I am biting my tongue, FOR REALSIES.

I also have a wedding dilemma that I would like some help with. I guess it's not really a dilemma, I don't think. I could just use some suggestions and you guys are good with the suggestion-making.

BEFORE I ask anything, let me promise that I will not be forcing you to read about my wedding planning for the next nine months. Partly because my goal is to do things as low-stress as possible, and if something starts causing me stress, I will cut it. I WILL CUT IT SO HARD. Anyway. Mostly I won't be sharing all of my wedding planning because there is nothing more boring than listening to someone blather on about their wedding YEAH I SAID IT and also I just fell asleep a little. I promise to keep the blathering to a minimum.

So. We think we're having a later reception, with heavy appetizers for everyone in the beginning, between all the booze and dancing. This is mainly so we don't have to pick out main dishes and side dishes and salads and all that because everyone knows appetizers are more fun. Also, I hate the sit-down dinner part of weddings. I'm always sitting there like, "when is the fun stuff going to start?"

Anyway, so that's my longass explanation of why we're not doing a sit-down dinner. Well. My friend Nancy did the heavy appetizer thing, too, and then around 10:30 brought out a magical hot dog bar for everyone to drunkenly pig out on because YUM HOT DOG BAR. We want to do something like this, but are having trouble figuring out what kind of food bar to do.

Heidi suggested serving mashed potatoes out of champagne flutes with lots of toppings for people to choose from. I love this idea because my lifelong dream is to eat an entire meal of mashed potatoes and that comes pretty close. The catering lady suggested a Skyline bar, but since I think Skyline tastes like evil and smells even worse, that's out. I like the idea of a pizza bar, because how delicious is pizza at 10:30 PM after you've had (more than) a few drinks? So good!

Whatever, my point is, please give me some other ideas.

kthxbai lylas

Day One: Insanity sets in

Oh yawn, you guys. Seriously, YAWN. I am about to get super whiny all over the place, so please bear with me. Actually, no, it's probably not that whiny. I'm too tired to be very whiny. OK, that was whiny. Whiny is starting to sound weird because I've said it so many times. Whiny, whiny, whiny. Anyway.

I was so unhealthy yesterday, so very very unhealthy, food-wise, because yesterday was, as I decided to call it, My Last Hurrah. So, of course, I was going to eat as much junk food as possible. I figured, WHY NOT, since today started the healthy-eating/exercising/grocery-going part of my Year Goals. All the junk food was a mistake, however, because it made my tummy all sorts of hurty. Plus, I'm partially blaming all the junk food for not being able to sleep last night. There were other reasons, though. I mean, I hadn't had to get up for work in like twelve days, so I was worried about not getting enough sleep and being all tired today. That's a vicious cycle, yeah? You're lying there in bed, thinking about how you have to be up in [blank] hours, and the more you worry about not getting enough sleep, the harder it is to FALL asleep and before you know it, it's four in the morning and you wonder if you should just get up because you were planning on getting up at five anyway.

Because, YEAH, I got up at five in the morning today. THAT IS SO EARLY. Phoebe was SUPER excited, because I'd gotten up that early to exercise before work and she loves when I exercise in the living room because she thinks I'm a cat jungle gym. Whenever I do pilates or yoga or whatever, she's all climbing over my prone body and getting smacked by flying limbs and mrorwing at me for not petting her because didn't you know? That's what I'm there for. To pet her and pick up her poops and feed her and get her high on kitty pot.

I know the day is only half over, but I'm counting it as a success as far as my goals go. After all, I got up at five, exercised, have eaten nothing but the healthiest of foods so far, and am planning on going to the grocery after work, then cooking a healthy dinner. Win win win! Yeah, it's only been one day, but whatever, I know I can do it because this one time? (at band camp?) I lost a bajillion (read: 50) pounds and I didn't even exercise, I just ate the tiny amounts of food that Weight Watchers claims are REAL SERVINGS because Weight Watchers is evil. It's true. They're totally in cahoots with The Mayor and Ryan the Temp and Sue Sylvester, I SWEAR.

so this is the new year...

I'm not very good at making resolutions. Scratch that. I'm REALLY good at making resolutions, but not so good at keeping them. I feel no shame in admitting this, because who is good at keeping resolutions? I mean, I suppose if you set tiny resolutions, like, I don't know, buying a new set of curtains, it's pretty easy to keep them, so maybe that's the way to go?

I'm fairly certain that my main problem is making my resolutions too broad. Also, calling them resolutions totally bites, so I'm going to call them goals instead. That seems much healthier, really, because aren't we all supposed to have goals? Or, like, a five year plan? I need to get one of those, too. So here are some of my goals for 2010. Specific goals, not generic goals like to lose weight and save money because DUH those are great goals but how will I do that? Oh, wait, here's how SUCKERS! Sorry. Anyway.

1. Get up earlier before work. This will be difficult because of my new work schedule, which gives me every other Friday off, but in return, I have to get to the office earlier every day. I think I can do it, though. Does anyone know how to disable the snooze button on an alarm clock?
2. Work out in the mornings. I have done this several times in the past, and even though I always want to die when I'm dragging myself out of bed, I feel so much better all day when I work out in the morning. PLUS I get the satisfaction of knowing that I can come home from work and do nothing, or better yet...
3. Cook a healthy dinner. I actually really like doing this, when I do it. This means I'll need to:
4. Go to the grocery more often. I hate going to the grocery. HATE IT. But I like having food in the apartment. CONUNDRUM. Actually, no, it's not a conundrum, I just need to go to the grocery more than once a month.
   
5. Plan more meals so I don't walk back and forth from the cupboards to the fridge to the freezer for half an hour, trying to decide what to make for dinner, and then end up ordering pizza because I can't figure out what else to do.
   
6. Pay more attention to how much I'm spending at the grocery store, rather than throwing things haphazardly in the cart and then wondering at checkout how I just spent $95 on a week's worth of groceries.
7. Don't go out to eat during the week. NO! Just don't. Unless it's a special occasion, like someone's birthday.
   
8. Watch less TV. This might be difficult, as I haven't been watching all that much anyway, but I think it can be done.
   
9. Spend less time dicking around on the Internets when I'm at home. That's what work is for.
   
10. Revise that pile of crap I wrote in November. Set aside 20 or 30 minutes a day to work on it, even if I really don't want to, because that's how it got written in the first place, DUH, Jennie, you're an idiot.
11. Join the Biggest Loser competition that the apartment complex is organizing (check!) and actually, I don't know, try instead of flaking out halfway through.
    
12. Run a 5K.
13. Write more thank you notes.
    
14. Go to the library more, instead of buying books all the time.
    
15. Drink more milk, eat more fruits and veggies.
    
16. Don't procrastinate so much. HAHAHAHAHA. But no, seriously, otherwise I'll end up sending wedding invitations two days before the wedding.
    
17. Eat breakfast before work, so I'm not starving when I get there because then I make bad choices. Like, chocolate donut with chocolate icing and sprinkles bad choices.
    
18. Dude, that's totally enough goals, STOP NOW.