The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest!

You guys, sometimes I am for realsies a bitch FOR NO RAISIN. It just happens. I like to think the people I'm a bitch to bring it on themselves, which was totally true yesterday when I made that old man flip me off.

See, there's this intersection near our apartment. And going one direction, the right lane quickly ends as soon as you drive THROUGH the intersection. People know this. But. Instead of being polite and getting in the left lane, which is almost always much longer BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THE RIGHT LANE ENDS, there are those who bypass the politeness system and get in the right lane, so they can speed around everyone in the left lane before we get through the intersection. Whenever I can, I make sure not to let these people in front of me because they are assholes. And I can't let assholes in front of me because then I'd be staring at an asshole for the rest of the drive to work and who wants to do that?

Yesterday I was sitting in the left lane, waiting for the light to turn green and fuming at the line of cars appearing in the right lane. There was an old man in an old man car next to me and right then and there I was all, "He's not getting in front of me! He's old! He'll drive slow and I'll be late!" So the light turned green. I stepped on the accelerator and so did the old man. He was right next to me and I knew he wanted over but I didn't let him. And then he had to get behind me or, you know, drive off of the road, which I believe, I BELIEVE, is something most people try to avoid. And then I said, "HAHAHA! TAKE THAT, OLD MAN!" and then he said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOONK!" and I said, "Hon't you blow your horn at me, you old fart! You did this to yourself!" and then HE said, "HONK HONK HONK HOOOOOOOONK!" and that's when I flipped him off and then that's when he flipped me off and YES I flipped off an old man but he totally deserved it the end.

they call me 'quiet girl', but I'm a riot, Mary, Jo, Lisa, always the same, THAT'S NOT MY NAME

Dear people (mostly MEN) I work with,

My name is Jennie. Not any of the following:

Amy
Claudia
Little lady
Young'un
Girl
Kid

Thank you.

In other news, I totally got up early this morning and went running. I KNOW. I had to, though. Well, I didn't HAVE to. When the alarm went off, my first thought was, "if I just turn it off, I could sleep for another hour and a half . . . that's a lot of sleep." But I did get up. And I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. Oh my god, Amy Jennie, shut up. Anyway, the reason I got up and ran this morning instead of running after work is because I, um, DON'T run after work. Instead, I just . . . don't run. Because it's hot. So hot. And also I'm all tired after work and don't feel like moving, let alone running. Wow, this is a good story. I should tell it again, yes?

I totally got up early this morning and went running. I KNOW. I had to, though. Well, I didn't HAVE to. When the alarm went off, my first thought was, "if I just turn it off, I could sleep for another hour and a half . . . that's a lot of sleep." But I did get up. And I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. Oh my god, Amy Jennie, shut up. Anyway, the reason I got up and ran this morning instead of running after work is because I, um, DON'T run after work. Instead, I just . . . don't run. Because it's hot. So hot. And also I'm all tired after work and don't feel like moving, let alone running.

HAHAHAHAHA. Wow. I think I got too much oxygen this morning or something. Yikes.

So. I had volunteering last night, and there are three different age groups, and I lead the group of the wee, little ones. Which is fine, but some of these wee, little ones tend to have about a ten minute attention span (at best), so that means I'd better bring a lot of activities for them. I was so, so prepared last night. I'd gone to the library to get picture books about dead people (or picture books about GRIEVING, whatever), and I'd come up with this sweet activity BASED on one of the books, and I even ran out on my lunch hour yesterday to pick up extra supplies so it'd be super awesome. And then I got to volunteering early and set everything up in my room so it was all ready when the kids got there.

And then none of the wee, little ones showed up. Bastards. Just kidding. But seriously! I had so much fun stuff, plus M&Ms, because I'm always afraid the kids won't like me, so I bribe them with candy. Sigh.

And now I have deja vu. GREAT. That's going to throw off my whole day.

Best. Day. Ever.

You wanna know why? I got out of work at 4. I'm having free pizza for dinner (thank you, parents). I'm staring down the barrel of a three day weekend. And today. While playing Wordscraper, the new Scrabble rip-off on Facebook, I spelled this:



Yes, it is truly the Best. Day. Ever.

Happy weekending, Internets.

orange mocha frappuccino!

Are you guys all using Google Reader? Please tell me you are. Except, if you all tell me you ARE using Google Reader, I'll know you're lying because I know for a FACT that there are several of you out there not using it. This blows my mind. It's just like when I find out people aren't using Gmail. Are you guys all using Gmail? If you're not, please tell me and I'll send you an invite because I have 90 bajillion of them and then I'll make fun of you for a while, but it'll be OK, really, because you really should be using Gmail. You brought this on yourself.

Here is why you should be using it: your friends share things and you get to read them. And your friends will share awesome things like that David Duchovny has entered rehab for a sex addiction (WHAT?!?) and this (which will not be funny unless you've seen Zoolander).

So, for the love of pancakes, please start using Google Reader. Please? I mean, if you spend any time on the internets whatsoever, this will really organize your time-wasting. Trust me.

In other, real life, news, last night Heidi and I met Nancy at Fox & Hound because Nancy told us they had this yummy raspberry beer there. And they did. And we also got food. Because, you know, it was dinner time and the last time I had nothing but beer for dinner, I wound up hanging out with random British guys in a hotel lobby at 4 AM. True story.

When Heidi and I got there, I started digging through my purse for chapstick or something, and so I was pulling stuff out and putting it on the table. Said stuff included a book. Some manager dude came over to check on us, because we didn't have a waitress yet.

Manager Dude: Has anyone said hi to you yet?
Heidi: Nope.
Manager Dude: OK, well, hi. Oh, what are you reading?
Me: Um.
Manager Dude: I'm nosy.
Me: Persuasion. Jane Austen.
Manager Dude: Oooooh. So you're reading that for school, yeah?
Me: . . . no.

Last night, I also went to Kroger to buy ramen noodles (JOE) and I looked for Uncrustables, Abigail, but I couldn't find them. What aisle are they in? I did find chocolate covered pretzel 100 calorie packs, though, so YUM.

Then we watched Obama speak the hell out of some words. Today McCain is in Dayton to announce his running mate. I'll let you figure out which of those things I'm more excited about.

Bell out of order, please knock

Apparently Tamara did not like my last post. In fact, I believe she might have suggested that it was the worst post ever. And, yeah, it was short and not thought out at all, but at least I wasn't listing things I carry in my purse, right? Right. In any case, Tamara is bored at work, and since she was kind enough to blog for me today over at The Collective, the least I can do is babble to the Internets for a while.

It probably won't surprise you to hear that I was sort of a weird kid. A weird kid who grew up into a genuinely weird woman (or, as my mom calls me, "a unique mind").

My mom also likes to remind me that, when I was little, I had a Southern accent that no one would explain. I grew up in southwest Ohio and, while it is a bit close to Kentucky, it's not close enough for Southern twang to seep in. I don't remember how or when I lost it, but I wish I still had it. I love accents of all kinds, but the Southern accent is the friendliest of them all.

Like most kids, I liked to play "pretend" during recess, but instead of playing House or School, I liked to imitate Babs from Tiny Toons or pretend I was Peter Pan (the girl version, of course) and climb to the top of the jungle gym and jump off. I never ended up flying, though. I tried a lot of different things in my attempt to fly. I stood on one end of a teeter-totter and had my friend push down on the other end. My thought was that, if he pushed down hard enough, I've propel through the air and soar into the clouds. What happened was, I fell backwards off of the teeter totter and hit my head on the ground. It was sort of exactly like what happened when I tried to run down the Slip 'n Slide. I used to try flying off of swings, too. You know, you'd swing as high as you could and then jump when you reached the highest heights, but I always crashed back down to Earth. My most unsuccessful attempts at flying usually involved an umbrella. I thought that since Mary Poppins could take off from the ground and fly with an umbrella, I could do it, too. But since I was an amateur, I jumped off of stuff while holding an open umbrella, so I'd at least already be in the air. It never worked and I was always disappointed. Even now, I can't believe movies would lie to me like that. I mean, I cannot tell you how many times I tried clicking my heels three times, but it never took me home. I tried it just this morning and it still didn't work. Hasn't stopped me from trying, though.

ramen noodles, lunch of champions

Someone made ramen noodles for lunch and:

A) I feel like I've traveled back in time and am sitting in Tower Hall with my Hot Pot
B) They smell delicious
C) I want to steal them

and this other time, a cicada flew right into my forehead while I was running

This morning I was attacked by a cicada. Yeah. I KNOW. Sure, mostly it just sat there on the ground and buzzed my feet as I walked by, but an attack is an attack. AND THEN I emailed Heidi at work to tell her about it and it turns out the very same cicada attacked her, too! I don't know why this cicada tried to kill both of us. Maybe he was friends with the baby raccoons. Who knows? But someone should have informed him that Heidi called the apartment complex people, not me. Heh.

AND THEN I got in my car to drive to work, because when I try to drive to work without my car, nothing happens. So there I was, wiping leftover sleep from my eyes, and that's when I saw it! A big, fat cicada stuck in my windshield wipers. I thought about turning them on, but I didn't want smooshed cicada guts all over my windshield. That's just not the way I like to start my day, you know? And anyway, right after I thought about smooshing him, he moved! And, while I find these creatures odd and try to avoid them whenever possible (sorry, Kat), I wasn't about to kill an innocent bug just because he got stuck on my car. On the other hand, I wasn't going to get out of my car and flick him off the windshield. Not because I was afraid to touch him, I just didn't feel like getting out of the car. Do you realize how much motivation it takes to get IN the car when I know the car's taking me to work? Yeah.

Since the cicada was alive, I had to give him a name. So Jeff and I drove to work and the whole time I kept thinking, "hang on, little guy, we're almost there!" and you know what? He did hang on. He hung on for the entire ride. I think he actually liked it. I didn't get a change to ask him, because I was running late, but if he's still there after work, I'll ask him and let you guys know.