Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler.

Everyone knows Milton (from Office Space, duh) is delightfully wacky. Or, you know, certifiably insane. He's a bit obsessed with his stapler (wacky!) but, um, burns down his place of employment (insane).

But is it insane? No one blames him for burning the place down, right? I think, if placed in a similar situation, many of us would be tempted to do the same thing.

It's because of Milton that I'm a bit worried about my career trajectory. You see, earlier I received some paperwork that I needed to attach to some other paperwork, because attaching paperwork to other paperwork is one of my main job duties. But then, lo and behold (lo! behold!), MY STAPLER WAS NOT TO BE FOUND.

WTF, I thought, NO SERIOUSLY, WTF. I don't ask for a lot at work. I have a modest work space and my computer works (most of the time), although currently the privacy screen is being held on by a precarious system of scotch tape, hope, and crossed fingers. I put up with all of my co-workers, including the woman who thinks I'm her therapist and the guy who I once overheard saying, "I pretend Obama isn't president," AND who shouts, "HOO-rah," every time someone mentions the Marines. I put up with them all and I do it with a smile. So the LEAST these people can do is leave me my stapler.

I hope someone brings it back. Or gives me a new one. I fear I'm but a few short steps from setting something on fire. If they move my office to the basement, I quit.

I speak over two thousand languages, including Dodo and Unicorn. I had a classical education.

The Universe is totally telling me to get a puppy. Look at this Super Exciting Opportunity that I received in my Gmail today:

From: Troye Lincoln
To: Me
Subject: Adorable Puppies Available!!

Hello, My name is Troye, I got your e-mail address from the email surfing marketing affiliated with the US chamber of commerce. Am mailing to let you know i've got some puppies am willing to adopt to a loving and caring home because I don't have the special time they need anymore due to my job. I have a female English bulldog and a male Yorkie. These puppies have got great personality and I will love to let you know that they are not just a puppy but a baby for you. These babies participate in the house jobs and we are teaching them to understand human language. They have this great personality like human. Kindly let me know if you are interested. So I can email you the pictures and more info. Thank you for taking your time to read the advert. Reply to: i_want_to_give_you_puppies@awesome.org.

So I think I should write him back, yeah? Hee. I mean, I know it's Spam, but it came to my inbox and when I first saw it, I was all, "NOOOOOO! I can't get a puppy right now, STOP TEMPTING ME!"

I don't really want an English bulldog or a Yorkie, anyway, although I am tempted now that I know they are learning to understand HUMAN LANGUAGE. I wonder which human language they're learning. It'd be cool to have a puppy that spoke French, but I don't speak French, so how would I talk to it? Plus! They participate in house jobs? Does that mean they clean the bathroom? Because I hate cleaning the bathroom.

Anyway, it would seem that the theme of this week is ANIMALS ARE CUTE AND AWESOME because you know what? Animals are cute and awesome. I need to unsubscribe from The Daily Puppy and Zooborns because my heart explodes on, like, an HOURLY basis and it takes a long time to clean that up, you know?

Still, I'm POWERLESS against animals IRL. Presented with pretty much any four-legged creature, I melt into a puddle of stupid-voiced goo and spend ten minutes telling a chipmunk how adorable it is and that, DON'T WORRY, everything will be OK, Jennie is here to take care of you OMG WHY DID YOU JUST POOP IN MY CAR.

See: chipmunk.

It's not just four-legged animals, though. Last night, while Joe and I were waiting for our Chinese food (yum), I stared at a group of ducks for SO LONG, I thought Joe might get up and leave me there.

Ducks:



Convo:

Me: Where did they all come from? Why are they out there?
Joe: I don't know.
Me: There are SO MANY.
Joe: Yep.
Me: OMG! One of the ducks? Had something hanging from its bill. And another duck ate it! Haha!
Joe: ...
Me: One of the ducks sat down. Like PLOP.
Joe: ...
Me: Another one sat down.
Joe: ...
Me: There went another one! The way they sit down looks painful. They just flop.
Joe: ...
Me: Haha! That one? The one that ate the thing off the other one's bill? The thing it ate is hanging off its bill now!
Joe: ...
Me: Now like half of them are sitting. One just peed.
Joe: ...
Me: I think that one is sitting in its pee! Gross.
Joe: ...
Me: Also, they're pooping everywhere.
Joe: That's why I'm not looking at them.
Me: Ew, I just saw one poop. I'm going to sit down now.
Joe: Good.

All of this leads me to believe that I need a pet of some kind. Phoebe is alright but she won't let me cuddle her and this one time she puked on my bed. I'm leaning toward a mini pig because OMG SO CUTE. Look. I'll wait. Heather! Anne! says I should get two, so they can be BFFs, which is a good idea because even mini pigs need BFFs. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go think of some names for my new mini pigs.

don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time

Hi, Internets. I haven't written all week because I've been sick and I'm like the whiniest sick person ever. You really lucked out because I kept my whining to Joe, my mom, and Heidi. I started not feeling good when we got back from Myrtle Beach and this week I started feeling really not good AND THEN, like the idiot I am, I went running on Tuesday because I felt guilty about not having gone running for two weeks, and then on Wednesday I stayed home from work because, duh, I was sick and needed to sleep all day. So that's what I did. I mean, I didn't sleep ALL day. I managed to watch an episode of The Golden Girls (they were all sick, too!) and go to the library (because I finished my last library book and need more, duh) and make a sensible dinner. Only not really. Mostly I watched Joe make a sensible dinner and then I ate it. We also started watching Lost FROM THE BEGINNING and I guess I forgot that the show has been a complete mind-fuck from the very start. Also, I'm not sure at what point Jack became a total douche but, upon rewatch, my feelings toward his present douchitude have totally influenced how I feel about him in early episodes. Meaning: I hate him. Every time he cries, I'm all, "oh, waaaah, I'm stuck on an island boohoo!" like, suck it up, Jack, everyone else is stuck there, too, and they don't cry all the time. They have sex in polar bear cages or play with Vincent. And I'm totally bored with Jack/Kate. Go away, Kate. Or, like, just don't talk. You're pretty, but when you open your mouth, I just want to punch you in your pretty face.

Also! It's really hard to watch the show with someone who has never seen it and not spoil everything. Like, last night, Sayid got hit in the head with a big log and Joe was all, "OMG, who did that?" and I was like, "...um, I don't know!" and he was like, "do you really not know?" and I said, "maybe I do, maybe I don't...OK, no, I really don't remember." Because I don't remember like, ANYTHING that happened on the first season because it was a long, long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away. Or something.

Right, so anyway, did you know it's Friday? Because it's Friday. I like Friday, although tonight I think I'm just going to go home, put on my pajamas, pop some Benadryl and spend the evening alternating between napping and reading and watching TV. Jealous?

I started this post about four hours ago and just now remembered that I never published it. Oops. I just went outside to get lunch (hello, Subway, my healthy friend) and OH MY GOD YOU GUYS, it is so hot! WTF happened? It's been all warm-but-OK temperatures so far but TODAY when I walked outside, Humidity smacked me in the face and called me its bitch. Rude. Anyway, I eventually came back inside and made out with the AC and I feel better now.

just as you are

I'm still not entirely sure why I decided to join Match last year. Boredom, loneliness, curiosity, all of the above. I was just getting over a looooong angsty period as a result of A Boy who made me feel angsty in the way only A Boy can. Once that was over (you know, mostly), I tried being set up. That didn't work, even though he was very funny, had an extensive book collection, AND looked like a grownup Harry Potter minus the lightning bolt scar.

Still, I've always been skeptical of Match (and all internet dating) and made fun of the winking, but now that I think about it, wouldn't real-life dating be a lot easier if we all employed this winking system? You see someone cute across the bar, you wink, he (hopefully) winks back and BOOM, instant love. Or something.

So join I did, after watching Heidi and her coworker giggling over profiles. Oh, I thought, it's like Myspace, only I have to pay for it and I might get axe-murdered. I was still skeptical about internet dating, although I really didn't have a reason to be. A friend from college met her husband on some Yahoo dating site PLUS there are all those happy couples in the commercials and commercials never lie, right?

(tea, not coffee)

A year ago (yesterday), I went to meet a boy for coffee, after a week of emailing and talking and making sure the other wasn't (too) crazy. I wasn't nervous to meet him, not at all. I was excited. All week, I'd been thinking, "why are we waiting til the weekend to meet?" but the weekend finally came, and we met, and I don't remember what we talked about but we hogged two of the best chairs in Boston Stoker for over four hours.

I didn't join Match with any expectations, except that maybe I'd get some entertaining blog posts out of it. Bad dates make good stories, but I never had any bad Match dates because, while I'd exchanged emails with a few people, Joe was the first person from Match that I actually met. And THANK GOD because if I'd gone on any bad dates, I would have quit immediately because, duh, I'm a quitter. And then I might never even have met Joe because we're both shut-ins who would rather stay in and read/watch movies/play with the Internets (in pajamas) than go out into the real world. Joe knows me better than anyone ('cept Heidi), he thinks the ridiculous and inappropriate things I say are cute, and he tells me I'm pretty even when I've spent the entire day all fevery and barfy and unshowered. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't want to do with Joe, even if that something is doing nothing.

I was never all that interested in falling in love because it seemed too messy. I knew what I wanted and could size up a boy and rule him out in an instant as NOT IT. Joe threw me off. I was instantly comfortable with him, which is unlike me. Normally I'm quiet and just generally socially awkward around new people, but not with Joe. I told him once that I'd built a wall around myself so no one could see that, yes, I have feelings and yes, they could be hurt. He just replied that it's a good thing he's tall enough to see over the wall.

(see, tall)

There's plenty to worry about in the future. Money, car, job, housing, etc. But something clicked when I met Joe. A piece of my life that I didn't even know was missing was suddenly there and now I don't have to worry about things so much. And if you knew what a chronic worrier I am, you'd see what special kind of miracle Joe worked.

Here's to a great year.

out, damned spot!

I just spent about thirty seconds trying to wipe a crumb off of my lip and then I realized it wasn't a crumb. It was a freckle. I didn't even know you could get freckles on your lips but APPARENTLY you can. Or at least I can. Jealous? You shouldn't be. My face is an explosion of freckles right now. I'd show you, but I haven't put my Myrtle Beach pictures on my computer yet. Sorry.

Anyway, I'm back. We got back late last night, which means I'm tired and whiny today. Whinier than usual, even, which is pretty whiny. I called Joe earlier and was all, "I'm tiiiiiiired," until finally he said he was going to hang up and I should call back when I was an adult again. I'm afraid, though, that I'll never really be an adult, mwaahaahaa.

I don't know. I'm tiiiiiired! I couldn't sleep last night because, in an effort to stay awake until I got home, I drank a shitload of caffeine (truth: I got a drink from Starbucks just because I was bored and had a gift card). The reason I couldn't stay awake is because we went to the beach for four hours before flying home and being at the beach is hard! It's true! It's really warm and the sand is all hot and you get sand all over EVERYTHING, no matter how hard you try not to, and then you get in the ocean and the waves try to beat you up and steal your swimsuit. Plus also, you might have to save a little girl's life like I did one day. There I was, just sitting and relaxing and reading my book, when I looked over to the umbrella next to ours and saw a little girl clutching the umbrella stand, crying, and shifting from foot to foot.

I was all, "are you OK?" and she emphatically shook her head no. "Are you lost?" I asked and she replied, "My feet hurt!" so I motioned for her to come under our umbrella. I asked where her adult was and noticed she wasn't wearing any shoes so her feet were probably burning off of her body. Because that is how hot the sand was that day. TRUE STORY. Anyway. I picked her up and we went walking down the beach, looking for her particular blue umbrella in a sea of blue umbrellas. Luckily, a lady eventually ran up to us and claimed her, which was good because I was tempted to keep her. She was almost as cute as a puppy.

So maybe I am an adult, after all. Even though a stewardess on one of our flights asked if I was old enough to sit next to the emergency exit because she claims I look 12*. I blame the freckles.

*Just . . . what? That lady was crazypants.

So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?

Um, this is embarrassing. My (very) brief hiatus actually starts today. I'm not going to lie to you. I thought yesterday was Friday when I posted this. I am not what they call, oh what's the word, SMART.

Last night was the best night. I finished The Color Purple (which I hadn't read since high school) and the stupid thing made me cry so I had to put it in the freezer. Then I had a quesadilla for dinner (for the second night in a row) and it was effing delicious. Then I read some more. I read SO MUCH, it was magical.

I thought about getting my hair cut last night, before Myrtle Beach, but I decided not to because my hair is going to get all sandy and oceany and beach-crazy ANYWAY so why bother? Instead, I decided to go to the library. We moved sort of far from the library I used to go to, and the new one is in a different branch of libraries, so I had to get a new card. As I was signing up, the librarian lady was all, "did you want to check books out today?" and I was like, "um, duh," and she said I could only get two books! TWO BOOKS?! I'd wanted to get books books to take on vacation and to read at the airport and TWO BOOKS WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH! I took five books to Philadelphia with me, knowing I'd only have time to read at the airport and on the plane, but I took so many because I wasn't sure what I'd want to read.

Anyway. While she was explaining where all the books were, I wanted to yell, "I CAN FIND IT MYSELF," because if there's anything I hate, it's unsolicited help. Although, I never really ask for help, so all help I receive is unsolicited. AND THEN. Some lady who was checking out a bunch of books at the self-check out (sidenote: how awesome is it that libraries are getting self-checkout?) butted into the conversation.

Lady: This is a great library!
Me: OK . . .
Lady: They're all so helpful here. And did you know? You can even get online and pay your fines and request books and look up to see if the book you want is available! You'll just need a password. And if you need to look up a book while you're here, they have computers everywhere that you can use.

I just nodded and smiled, even though I thought about shouting, "I'M FAMILIAR WITH HOW LIBRARIES WORK, LADY, I USED TO WORK AT ONE AND OH MY GOD DO YOU EVEN WORK HERE BLAAAARRRRG." Instead, I just inched away slowly (she was a close-talker) and she transferred her attention to the librarian.

Have you ever tried to pick out ONLY two books? I always end up getting more than I can read in two weeks, but this two-book-minimum was being cruelly enforced, so I had no choice but to cut back on my Book Crazy. I wandered around non-fiction but nothing jumped out at me (That would be weird, right? If books jumped off the shelves?), so I headed over to fiction. While standing at New Fiction, I pulled no fewer than seven books off the shelves and clutched them in my greedy arms until I could decide on just two. I ended up putting all but City of Thieves back, because Heather! Anne! had just given it a glowing review on Goodreads (she mentioned Salinger, which is pretty much all I needed to hear). Then I walked over to Old Fiction (just called Fiction, actually) and picked both Postcards from the Edge (by Princess Leia) and I Am Legend. I decided on I Am Legend because I am super curious about the ending (I guess it's different than the movie) and did you know the book is about vampires, not zombies? I did not know that. I decided to get it, even though Twilight is ruining all the goodwill for vampires that Joss Whedon created. Stupid Twilight. Anyway, I read a bunch of I Am Legend last night and it made me all anxious and then gave me nightmares. If that's not a sign of a good horror novel, I don't know what is.

(hiatus starts . . . NOW)

(very) brief hiatus

As you may have noticed, I haven't felt much like blogging lately. Unless, of course, it's to post videos or lists or something that doesn't require too much time or effort. I've started this crazy habit of not even turning on my computer once I get home from work. Used to be, I'd come home, flip open my laptop, and see what emails were awaiting me after my long commute. Now the thought of staring at the computer screen when I could be reading or going to concerts or watching the swans or YES, EVEN RUNNING makes me want to scoop out my eyeballs with a plastic spoon.

I've been watching less TV, too, if you can believe it. In fact, there are whole evenings when I don't even turn on the TV. And if I do, it's to watch a super cute movie and then spend the rest of the night trying to figure out how to make sure my future children have adorable British accents.

I leave for Myrtle Beach in a couple of days, and I've decided not to take my laptop with me, which means: no e-mail, no Google Reader (le gasp!), and no blogging. Because, you see, I intend to fully enjoy the sun and the ocean before I come back to Ohio's weather shenanigans. Keep your fingers crossed, please, that Myrtle Beach's weather is kinder than Ohio's.

See you next week.

he can dance if he wants to

I was going to write this really long post about an interesting gentleman we ran across at the Decemberists show. I was going to go on and on about his unique dancing and hemp clothing and long, long Ewan-MacGregor-as-Obi-Wan rat tail and how he reeked of a particular substance if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. Instead you should probably just watch this video:

he can dance if he wants to from Jennifer B on Vimeo.

lists!

Things I Have Done Recently:

• saw Up (and cried)
• played Wii Fit (and cried)
• went to the pool
• got a bit sunburny on my back
• read
• ate Chinese food (mmm)
• drank beers (mmm)
• ate pizza (mmm)
• drank more beers (mmm)
• introduced Joe to Old School
• ran

Things I Am Going to Do in the Near Future:

• see The Decemberists
• go to volunteering and participate in the annual balloon launch
• see a sneak preview of The Hangover
• run some more
• figure out how to use my new camera
• pack
• go to Myrtle Beach

Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:

• at home
• at the pool
• um, anywhere, really, to make a long story short