lazy Monday

I wish I could write about work right now but I can't because it would be FULL OF EXPLETIVES, which I don't really have a problem with but should any of my bosses stumble across this blog, I'd like to not have the eff word so blatantly tied to my job. Even though the eff word flies through my mind approximately 80 million times a workday but that is neither here NOR there so where does that put it? I have no idea.

Last week, my cousin graduated from high school and I have never felt so old. I was ten when he was born and he was my very first baby-sitting...baby, so the fact that he is, like, an adult totally blows my mind. And it's only going to get worse because I have five more cousins right behind him, who'll all be graduating, one right after the other, for the next few years. I used to baby-sit them all. Sometimes all at the same time! Once I dressed them up like little superheroes because I thought it would be hilarious and awesome and guess what? IT WAS HILARIOUS AND AWESOME. They were so fun then and they're all growing up into such fun and weird and interesting people but I'm getting a little verklempt over here, so I'm going to stop talking about this now.

I had to go shopping yesterday, for work-related clothing that I wouldn't normally wear because it's, you know, way fancier than what I usually wear to work. But to tell you WHY I need to wear these clothes would lead to the expletives mentioned above, so I just won't. Don't worry, it's not very interesting so you're not missing much.

The shopping wasn't so terrible, I suppose. I buy clothes like a camel drinks water. Does that make sense? It makes sense in my head. What I mean is, I buy hundreds of dollars of clothing at a time and then I don't go shopping for like six months OR LONGER (usually longer), which is awesome because I hate shopping. I went to two stores yesterday and I think that was my limit. Until I walked into the bookstore and then it was like, "HEAVY SIGH I'm home," you know? YOU know.

We did end up at Target, however, which always seems to happen no matter what we leave the house for and this is fine with me. We went in to grab something all speedy quick and ended up deciding to register while we were there because I guess that's how you get all the free junk when you get married. It was so fun, you guys, I wish I could register everywhere, all the time, for no reason. Can you register at a bookstore? Because OMG.

poopbutt

why isn't it 5 yet?

NaNo Day 11

I have sort of a weird question. Does anyone else get really uncomfortable when they're on the same pee schedule as someone at work? You know, you go to the bathroom for the first time in the morning and someone else is in there, which...who cares, BUT THEN every time you go in the bathroom for the rest of the day, they're in there, too? I hate that. It's awkward. Like, I only have so much bathroom small talk in me and I don't want to waste it all on the same person. Anyway.

I really didn't want to write today, but when I did, I got through it fairly quickly, so that's something. I need to work on not checking my word count every few minutes. Seriously, it's bad. I'll type a sentence, think, "oh, that MUST be like 200 words," (because I'm an idiot) and then when I check I find out it was not 200 words, it was ten words, and then I want to bang my head on my desk and you know what? They don't like it when I do that at work. Apparently, it disturbs my coworkers (for multiple reasons), but the way I look at it, that's not really my problem.

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1752
Total goal: 18337
Total written so far: 21785
Words ahead/behind goal: +3448

NaNo Day 9

Do you guys want to hear a sad story? For the last week or so, I've had it in my head that Thanksgiving is next week. And so I've been thinking that next week I would only have to work three days. Possibly only two and a half days! But during a conversation with someone from Payroll a bit ago, my hopes were crushed. CRUSHED! We were talking about a project that needs to be completed before Thanksgiving, a huge, awful project that I am pretending does not exist which it sort doesn't, because I haven't yet gotten anything I need in order to complete it.

Sidebar: Isn't that the worst? You have some huge, looming project at work that already has a reeeeeeally close deadline, but you can't work on it because you're waiting on someone else to do what they need to do before you can do what YOU need to do? Yeah, good times.

Anyway. I said something about how we only have this week and a few days next week to get it done and she looked at me kind of funny and was all, "...um, we're working a full week next week," and then I looked at my calendar and tried to play it off like I was talking about the week after next and that SHE was the dumb one but I don't think it worked. Oops. I blame all the writing, it's killing my brain and then I have no thoughts left for anything else.

Word count!

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1963
Total goal: 15003
Total written so far: 18071
Words ahead/behind goal: +3068

NaNo, Day 4 Update

I didn't have as much time to write today on account of VISITORS at work, which meant I didn't have much time to do any of my work, let alone write, because we had to take our visitor out to lunch. Which was fine. I got some gossip and we wandered around all the other buildings on campus and get this...we totally walked by some old guy SLEEPING IN HIS CUBICLE. Which was funny because we'd just been talking about him at lunch, and how he falls asleep all the time because he's 100 years old but won't retire. He is not the only one in this position, there's someone else, but she doesn't fall asleep in her office. That I know of.

Here is what I don't understand. If you'd been working for a billion years and you made shitloads of money, WHY WOULDN'T YOU RETIRE ALREADY? GET OUT. Especially if you fall asleep at work and don't know how to use your computer. Being awake and using a computer are like the only two things you really need to do at work. Anyway.

Last night, I actually wrote a few hundred more words, even though I'd already reached my daily goal AND THEN SOME. And I finally did finish my words today and HERE ARE THE TOTALS.

Daily Word Count Goal: 1667
Words Written Today: 1744
Total Words So Far: 8830

I made up a new character today. I think I'm falling a little in love with him (platonic love, of course).

And now for something completely different. I really wanted to watch The Biggest Loser last night but I also wanted to exercise because I'm trying to be healthier. I mean, I didn't particularly WANT to exercise, but I knew I needed to. The thing is, I didn't want to not watch The Biggest Loser and do a workout DVD instead, and I knew if I tried to make up my own workout while I watched TV, I'd end up sitting on the floor "stretching" the entire time. So I tried something CRAZY. Apparently I have the Jillian Michaels Shred DVD (Level 1, anyway) completely memorized because I was able to run through the entire thing while I watched Biggest Loser. And I know it worked because my entire body hurts today. True story.

Whenever I do exercises that require me to lie on the floor (and there should be more of these, yes?) Phoebe lies on the floor with me. She flops on her back and looks at me in that upside-down way that is JUST. SO. ADORABLE. and is all, "I'm so glad you decided to lie on the floor with me." And then if I'm doing crunches or swinging my arms or legs around (Pilates), she thinks it's fun to swat at my hands and feet and try and catch them until I get so paranoid that I'm going to accidentally smack or kick her that I scare her away and I feel really bad about it BUT IT'S FOR HER OWN GOOD.

things I've done since lunch:

• taken cold medicine
• blown my nose 80 bajillion times
• made some tea
• bought a greenhouse
• planned my early escape
• hoped that people sit in their seats at the Ben Folds show tonight so I don't have to stand (I know it's lazy BUT REALLY I just don't understand why people stand up at concerts when there are seats provided...someone died making those seats, you know, you should sit in them)
• wondered if I could figure out a way to sleep and drive at the same time (Michael Scott does it)

BUT. Mostly I've been deleting work emails. And not just the ones asking me to do things, ZING! Anyway. Some company-wide email went out about a survey everyone can take to complain about how much they hate their jobs. The link to the survey doesn't work. And so I've gotten at least 50 emails that say something along the lines of, "my link doesn't work," and then 50 more emails telling everyone to stop hitting "reply to all," and THEY'RE STILL COMING IN AS I TYPE. There are something like 90,000 employees at my company so I'm pretty sure my Inbox is going to blow up soon. Here's hoping.

spoiler-free squeeing about Jim + Pam = 4eva!!!1!11!!1!!*

OMG YOU GUYS OMG OMG OMG. Sigh. OK. I am OMGing for two reasons. 1) THE OFFICE. I heart that show so hard. Last night's episode pretty much turned me into a crying, laughing, gooey mess, which can be...uncomfortable. It actually made me CRY INTO MY BEER, something I don't think I've ever done before on account of drinking beer is a happy occasion. That episode, the ending in particular, made me so happy, probably happier than a TV show should be able to make a person, but I don't care. Moving on. Thing 2) my work computer is trying to sabotage my every move. I spent most of this morning on the phone with IT trying to get the access right on this software they just gave me and did I mention it took all morning? Because it took all morning. So I got nothing done. And instead of working on stuff right now, I've decided to do something constructive and complain to the internets.

Anyway, I have to go now because I keep getting calls from people that THE WORLD IS ENDING except no, not really, and why would you call HR if the world was ending? We can't do anything without proper paperwork anyway. Leave me alone, employees.

OK. Keep your heads up, everyone. WORST. DAY. EVER. Week is almost over.

*sorry

week of Mondays

YOU GUYS. Just when I thought it was safe to go back to blogging, WORK ATE MY SOUL. And not in a good way, either. Although, it's not like there's a GOOD way to have your soul eaten. You totally need your soul, otherwise you can't love things or enjoy fine cooking. It's true. They're all totally connected, just like Connect Four. Yeah, whatever.

Yesterday, I came into work and could not get into Outlook, meaning that the millions upon millions of emails I get every day were going UNREAD and since I wasn't answering emails people were calling me and since I hate talking on the phone, I wanted to curl into the fetal position under my desk until everyone just left me all alone to cry in peace. That never happened, though. You'd think not having access to my email would mean I couldn't get any work done, but you'd be wrong. Next time, I hope my entire computer has the decency to stop working because then I'd have an excuse to be napping at my desk. I'M JUST KIDDING, UNIVERSE, PLEASE DON'T BREAK MY COMPUTER! Seriously. How would I farm if my computer breaks? You know, if you didn't know about the internet, that last sentence would be SO CONFUSING.

Anyway. This morning, my email STILL wasn't working, so I called the IT Helpdesk for the third time and was all, "wtf, mate?" and the guy was all, "um...I don't know," and I was all, "NO, SERIOUSLY, WTF, MATE?" and he said it was a local problem and then I started yelling about how my ACTUAL DESK was more helpful than the IT Helpdesk and I think he quietly hung up on me while I was screeching at him but I don't care because I felt better afterward. I managed to nab a local IT person as she was walking by and she fixed it in like thirty seconds. I could try to explain to you why I have to call and speak to someone at the IT Helpdesk who is usually not even in the same timezone as me INSTEAD of just going directly to local IT, but I like you guys and I don't want your heads to explode.

At some point, in the midst of my email turmoil, I found out that our benefits person had to have an emergency appendectomy last night and will be out for, oh, who knows how long and did I mention that Open Enrollment is next week? Because Open Enrollment is next week. I hate Open Enrollment, you guys. Our benefits are all outsourced now, which you'd think would make things easier, but no one actually READS the benefits information they're given so instead of calling the ever-so-helpful 1-800 number or going to the informational website, they call and ask us what plan they should enroll in and GUESS WHAT we can't tell you what plan to enroll in, LEARN TO READ, A-HOLE. But I can't yell those things at employees because we're supposed to hold their hands and be helpful but I DON'T WANT TO because if I have to do any more fake smiling, I think my face is going to crack in half and I NEED MY FACE, YOU GUYS.

I keep thinking it's Friday but it's not, you know? It's totally Thursday, which is not Friday but I want it to be Friday why can't it be Friday? Because if today was Friday, I could go to Joe's soon and play with his Wii (hahahahaha, that will never get old) and then the next day would be Saturday which means SLEEPING IN. But no, it's not Friday, and I have two more hours of not-Friday before I can go home and put my pajamas on and finish the book I've been trying to finish ALL WEEK but this week of Mondays wouldn't let me.

I swear, if Pam and Jim weren't getting married tonight, this whole week would have been a complete waste.

let's pretend like I'm Tracy Jordan and you all are Grizz and Dot Com and basically you tell me how wonderful I am AAAAND GO!

The weather has been so, so nice the past couple of days that I sort of want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

Anyway, it's been so nice that I even turned off the AC and opened all the windows and yesterday, I sat on the sofa, embroidered a monkey, tried not to pay too much attention to We Are Marshall on TBS (because of the tears, people, OH THE TEARS!), and sipped on a glass of wine because Abigail told me that it was OK to start drinking. It was pretty much perfection. And now I am at work. That is the opposite of perfection.

Only it's not so bad, because my always-talking coworker is not here today and I decided to randomly come in an hour late and no one cared or noticed (not sure which) and did I mention my always-talking coworker is not here? It is so quiet and lovely today. I want to take the lovely quiet behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I did manage to be productive this weekend, sort of kind of anyway, because it's not like I did ALL that much, but I did the necessities like vacuuming and laundrying and, you know, showering. I did not work out at all this weekend and I let myself eat whatever I wanted as a reward for making it through The Week From Hell, but this week I'm back on the wagon. So far, anyway. I'm afraid this week might turn into The Week From Hell Part Two: The Hellinating, especially since I came in this morning only to find that the air conditioning isn't working. Luckily, it's not that hot outside, but still...it's super stuffy in here and kind of smells like a fart. Which, you know, is sort of gross. But whatever, this training is supposed to be over by the end of August so I'm looking forward to sweet, sweet September because it will all be over OVER! OVER! and also September is when Labor Day happens and I don't have to work on Labor Day which means three day weekend and I love three day weekends so much I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I've been feeling this great need to be more organized and productive, which is making me sort of crazy (crazier) because I keep making lists and spreadsheets and more lists and more spreadsheets and starting stories and revising other stories and starting more stories and what I'm saying is my Google Docs are out of control. But I don't care because I have my beautiful, beautiful spreadsheets. I want to take my spreadsheets behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[crickets]

Too much? Yeah, I know, too much. I don't really know where to end this, which is the problem with pointless posts SUCH AS THIS ONE so I guess I'll keep talking until I run out of things to say only NO I WON'T because I NEVER run out of things to say, just ask Joe. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go update my Budget spreadsheet. I think there might be a problem with it, because according to my spreadsheet I should have no monies left for the rest of August, but I do have monies left, so I should probably look into that. Also, you know what? I should spend less monies. I knew that before the spreadsheet but the spreadsheet just made it all the more obvious, what with the BOLD RED print that basically screams, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JENNIE, BACK AWAY FROM TARGET RIGHT THE HELL NOW."

My budget is kind of rude. I do not want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Zing!

hey, guess what

I'm at work right now! Fun times. I have to be here now because 3rd shift has to take this training, too, and like, the only time they're here is 3RD SHIFT. Go figure. So here I sit, yawning my arse off, waiting for the next session to start. There are three of them tonight, and I'm supposed to be finished about 1:30, but I'm shooting for 1. That's in two hours. TWO HOURS. Zzzzzzzzzz. I'm not made to stay up that late on school nights. NO SIR.

Plus, also, I met Joe for dinner before I had to go to the training and something I ate gave me some wicked bad twosies. I'm sorry if that's too graphic for you. Actually, no, I'm not. This is a safe place and I should be allowed to talk about wicked bad twosies if I need to. So, yeah, that happened and then I was all, "WHY TONIGHT? WHYYYYY?" because SERIOUSLY? WHY TONIGHT? I have to talk in front of people and sound like I know what I'm talking about and really all I'm thinking is, "gee, I hope that Immodium keeps working, otherwise this could get really embarrassing."

And then Joe was like, "is anyone else going to be there with you?" and I was like, "um, yeah, all the guys I'm training," and he was all, "so just you and a bunch of guys?" and I was like, "yeeeeaaaaaah, so?" and he was like, "maybe I should go with you and protect you," and I said, "hello, there's a security guard who will totally come save me if anything bad happens," except when I got here the security guard was on his phone but it's OK because I made friends with some engineer dude in the office who is here for some reason really late and I know I can trust him because my dad is an engineer. It's also his birthday. My dad, not my new engineer friend. Happy Birthday, Dad!

Wow, I think it's time for me to go get ready for the next session now. And maybe get some fresh air. And some Diet Coke.

file under: procrastination

I opened my work e-mail to approximately 60 new messages this morning. I finally made it through all of them so I at least know what they say, but I'm scared of the amount of work I have to get through this week. So, of course, I'm blogging instead of getting started on any of it. I make good decisions.

Speaking of good decisions, you know what isn't one? Drinking 20 four-ounce samples of beer when it's 90 degrees outside. OK, that's a lie. I regret nothing, even though I passed out at 8 o'clock on Saturday night, after scarfing down delicious waffle fries, and then woke up at 4 AM all WIDE AWAKE. Oops.

The good part about going to a beer tasting that starts at 2 is that it's over at 6 and you have all night to sober up, meaning no hangover the next day. I'm a fan of that. I still ended up sitting and doing nothing in the AC all of Sunday since it was a billion degrees outside. Until I had to rescue Joe, that is, on account of his car started, um, smoking when he was driving down 75. I'm not a car expert or anything but I think when your car starts smoking, that's probably not good. So my point is, Joe is car shopping this morning.

Today is detox day seeing as how I consumed nothing but beer and junk food all weekend. Friday night was going well, until we went to see To Kill a Mockingbird and they were handing out free popcorn. Who turns down free popcorn? Crazy people, that's who. You know who turns down free popcorn? People who don't like The Beatles. I didn't believe those people existed but they do and I want to punch them because not liking The Beatles means you're missing an important part of your soul. I'm certain that I'm right about this. Anyway.

This morning, I had every intention of getting up early and working out but I'm not sure why I even pretend I'm going to do this because I never do. Which means I have to do it tonight and do you know how much motivation I have to go running after work? It's pretty close to NONE. Is there something less than NONE? Because that's what it is. It's like NONE minus 10.

respect my authoritah!

Right after I first started my new job, we had this meeting. And at this meeting, my uberboss explained that we'd be starting a bunch of training sessions in a couple of months, and that they needed volunteers to help lead them. Having just started with the company, I was anxious to TOTALLY BROWN-NOSE and so I volunteered immediately.

It's now a couple of months later and the training has begun. I was given a binder on how to facilitate training (whoo) and a ready-made Powerpoint presentation (hoo) so I thought it seemed pretty foolproof.

Well. Yesterday was the first day and, since I'd never led this particular training before, I observed during two sessions. One of the sessions went fine. Sure, no one really talked, which can be frustrating, but there were no problems.

But the other session. The other session made me scared in my very soul. You see, the employees who are coming to these sessions are all factory employees. The office employees all complete this training WITH TECHNOLOGY because, duh, they all have computers. But the factory employees don't have access to computers because where would they put them? On the floor next to the HUGE, GRINDING MACHINES OF DEATH? Note: I don't actually know if there are HUGE, GRINDING MACHINES OF DEATH in the factory, but I'm assuming so because that's what it sounds like.

In any case, my training cohort told me that whenever she leads these training sessions, sometimes all any of the employees want to do is complain about how much their supervisors/jobs suck and how they are treated unfairly and WAH WAH give me my blankie, I'm tired and need a nap. Which is annoying. The office employees are too lazy to get up and complain to our faces, they complain through e-mail instead. Anyway, my cohort said that sometimes she has to be all Mistress of Pain and tell them to STFU so the meeting doesn't last eight hours. I didn't quite believe her. Until yesterday. When she went all Mistress of Pain and told them to STFU because they wouldn't stop complaining about how their managers beat them with chains and don't let them go to the bathroom and also one time looked at them funny and it hurt their feelings.

After she yelled at them, there was an awkward silence and then she went back to the Powerpoint. Certain employees looked disgruntled and certain employees looked amused and I looked like I was going to poop my pants because I have to start training next week and THEY ARE GOING TO EAT ME ALIVE. I'm not really much of a YELLER when I get angry. I'm more of an "I'm not going to talk to you for a while" type of person when I'm mad (ask Joe, hee) and I don't think I'm allowed to just click through the presentation without saying anything and if they decide to go all Lord of the Flies, I just know I'm going to be the one who gets smooshed by a big rock.

oh, right, I have a blog

I have two Big Problems. I want everything to be perfect ALL THE TIME and I procrastinate, um, a lot. The combination means I don't ever get anything done. Because NEWSFLASH nothing can ever be perfectly perfect all the perfect time. Duh. This is like, common knowledge, right? And if something isn't going to be perfect, why even bother DOING it?

Earlier someone asked me for a report. Except...not really. They did not ask for a report. They asked for A NUMBER. Their exact words were, "Can you tell me the percentage of employees blah blah blah...doesn't have to be perfect, I just need an estimate." And I was all, "OMG, I can't believe someone is finally asking me to do something! Hooray!" So instead of procrastinating, I did it right away! Even though it was lunchtime! Unfortunately, instead of just estimating the answer off of data I've already compiled (because that data is OLD, duh, and no longer perfect), I took it upon myself to make it a much bigger project than it needed to be and suddenly there were reports and spreadsheets ALL OVER MY COMPUTER AND THE NUMBERS WEREN'T ADDING UP AND THE PERSON WAS EMAILING ME ALL, "NO SRSLY, THIS DOES NOT NEED TO BE PERFECT, DO YOU HAVE IT YET?" AND I WAS ALL, "THERE'S NEVER ANY TIME I NEVER HAVE TIME TO STUDY OMG SHUT UP JESSIE SPANO." PLUS ALSO my other coworker was trying to talk to me and carrying on a conversation with her is like a never-ending "Who's on First" routine, so concentrating was OUT OF THE QUESTION.

Ahem. I eventually finished it without procrastinating AT ALL (!!) and it was perfect (!!) and I sent it away and got what I wanted: validation in the form of a "YOU'RE AWESOME, THANK YOU!" email. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Anyway, my point is, SUCK IT, BIG PROBLEMS. If we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches*.

*thank you, Phoebe

ooooooooh BARRACUDA

I went all week having pretty much jack shit to do. And now, in the last hour of work for the week (I get to leave at 3!), I have been given something that needs done RIGHT NOW OMG WTF.

Of course, I'm blogging, so I must have plenty of time to finish it. Revel in the procrastination! Revel, I say!

Ahem. Just a bit ago, I called someone to set up an interview and their ringback tone (wtf ever it's called) was Barracuda. Awesome. I have a bad habit of singing along to these songs and continuing to sing even after the person has answered (ask Heidi, her ringback is Don't Stop Believin') but I held it in this time because I am nothing if not professional. Although, who WOULDN'T want to work at a company where the employees were singing Heart?

The answer is: I don't know, why are you asking me questions, I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO.

the best things in life are free

Whenever I leave the office, spring in step and grin in place, I get to a certain point in the parking lot where I cringe in absolute horror. Not because I don't want to leave work (please), but because of the unholy stench emanating from the building next door.

It's some sort of Skyline factory. I'm not sure exactly what they're doing in there, whether they're testing new Skyline recipes or just making more of the same-old, but the smell is horrifying. You know how I feel about Skyline, right? How it's evil and disgusting and who the hell puts CINNAMON in chili? CINNAMON?! Also, I stand by my statement that the hotdogs themselves taste like they were boiled in toilet water.

Sometimes my coworkers will be all, "you have to be from here to like Skyline," whenever someone says they haven't had it. And speedy quick, I have to say, "I grew up here AND I HATE IT so that's not true." It's sort of like when someone says to me, "You like Two and a Half Men, right?" and I have to hurry and tell them, "OMG NO I HATE IT WHO IS SPREADING THESE VICIOUS, VICIOUS LIES ABOUT ME?"

Anyway, do you know how disgusting it is to smell Skyline in the morning? Well, I'll tell you. It's really disgusting. It's a good diet tool, though. When I get to work I'm usually starving because I never have time to eat before I leave the apartment, preferring instead to sleep ten more minutes because SLEEP IS AWESOME I HEART IT. Then I get out of the car and Skyline smacks me in the face and I never want to eat anything again ever.

Between that and my goal to save money and eat better, I've been packing my lunch so I don't have to leave the office. Except sometimes I HAVE to go out at lunch or I would kill all my coworkers and stab my computer with a letter opener. But most days, I prefer to pack my lunch and do important things during my lunch break, like pay bills or read the Internets.

But. Packing my lunch can be bad for the environment. I mean, yeah, everything can be bad for the environment, but packing lunch? With the little sandwich and snack baggies? Totally bad. So I went to Target one day with the hopes of finding a couple little tupperware type things to use primarily for lunches. We have some stuff at home, sort of, but our collection mostly consists of really old Gladware and Tupperware I've stolen from my parents. I ended up spending 20 dollars on a 36 piece set of Rubbermaid containers, which was probably not necessary but this is why I need to pack my lunch. So I don't go to Target and spend money.

Now if only someone could take away my ability to shop online, I'd be rich, I tell you, RICH!

Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler.

Everyone knows Milton (from Office Space, duh) is delightfully wacky. Or, you know, certifiably insane. He's a bit obsessed with his stapler (wacky!) but, um, burns down his place of employment (insane).

But is it insane? No one blames him for burning the place down, right? I think, if placed in a similar situation, many of us would be tempted to do the same thing.

It's because of Milton that I'm a bit worried about my career trajectory. You see, earlier I received some paperwork that I needed to attach to some other paperwork, because attaching paperwork to other paperwork is one of my main job duties. But then, lo and behold (lo! behold!), MY STAPLER WAS NOT TO BE FOUND.

WTF, I thought, NO SERIOUSLY, WTF. I don't ask for a lot at work. I have a modest work space and my computer works (most of the time), although currently the privacy screen is being held on by a precarious system of scotch tape, hope, and crossed fingers. I put up with all of my co-workers, including the woman who thinks I'm her therapist and the guy who I once overheard saying, "I pretend Obama isn't president," AND who shouts, "HOO-rah," every time someone mentions the Marines. I put up with them all and I do it with a smile. So the LEAST these people can do is leave me my stapler.

I hope someone brings it back. Or gives me a new one. I fear I'm but a few short steps from setting something on fire. If they move my office to the basement, I quit.

OK, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell. And you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.

Today is my last day at my job, and since I start my new job straightaway (MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY), my main goal for today is to leave work early. My other goals are to make sure my replacement's head doesn't explode (she commenced freakout: oh, yesterday, around 3 o'clock), and to not say anything really stupid before I leave. I've been here a little over two years, just like my last job, and, just like my last job, I'm starting to see everything through rose-colored glasses. This morning, I was all, "I like all these people!" (lies) and "the pay isn't so bad!" (lies) and "this place doesn't make my head explode!" and then email after email started coming through and I was like, "ow, head, stop exploding." True story.

Seven hours later . . .

I actually wrote all that when I first got to work, thinking I'd be having a (mostly) free day. That is not what happened. Instead I worked really hard and then went to lunch with my coworkers and then worked really hard some more and then I gave everything to my replacement and then I left FOREVER. And then I got a little sad. And then I saw Joe and he gave me a big hug and I felt better. And now I'm counting down the hours until I meet some of my BFFs for dinner and drinks. Hopefully lots of drinks. The end.

Scotch and Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets you drunk like Scotch.

You guys, I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt I was on Lost island and I was running around the Dharma Initiative village with Juliet and then Ben shot an arrow into my hand. It did not feel good. It was a tiny arrow, though, and when Juliet pulled it out (heh), there was a hole in my hand. Also weird. Anyway.

I blame the Guinness I had with dinner, because whenever I have a glass or two of beer in the evening or whatever, I always have crazy, vivid dreams. You know, like getting an arrow shot through my hand. OW. I know it was only a dream, but I really think going through that whole ordeal, what with the bleeding and the pain and THE ARROW STICKING OUT OF MY HAND, made me a stronger person. If I ever for-realsies get shot in the hand with an arrow, I think I'd be OK. I hope my brain doesn't know something I don't. Like, what if it knows that sometime in the future, I get shot in the hand with an arrow? And it's trying to prepare me for it. I don't know why I'd be somewhere that I'd get shot in the arrow. Maybe it happens in the Zombie Revolution that is sure to occur in the next 20 years or so. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Maybe it wasn't the Guinness. I also had a Monster Grilled Cheese sandwich AND Pub Fries covered in 10 pounds of cheese, so maybe the cheese made the dreams. It was a lot of cheese. Like, all different kinds of cheese, too. I mean, I really like cheese (all kinds) but this was just A LOT of cheese all up in my business. Yep, I'm still talking about cheese.

Anyway. Last night, we went to see a live taping of Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me, and it was really cool even though they made fun of Dayton the whole time. I don't blame them, really. Dayton is very make-fun-able.

Next week is my last week at this job, and after watching The Office last night, I realize I've been TOTALLY WASTING my two-week-notice-immunity period. Apparently I should have been throwing stuff at my coworkers, mixing disgusting drinks, and planning to start my own paper company. Oh well. There's always next week. Maybe I'll totally Hef it up and wear pajamas and a robe every day.

So, Joe got a Blackberry the other day and keeps expressing his amazement that HE HAS THE INTERNET! ON HIS PHONE! Seriously. The Internet. On the phone. Yesterday he was all:

Joe: I'm gonna blog about how I have the Internet on my phone.
Me: OK.
Joe: Do you think I can get a whole post out of that?
Me: Um, I've gotten whole posts out of far less.

Example: see above.

I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't going to sweep themselves.

A few of us have started calling Friday "Bipolar Friday" at work. Fridays are when Payroll processes labor and there are always ALWAYS a billion little problems that need fixed ASAP OMFG AHHH!!!11!!!!1!!! and it's all very annoying and frustrating. But, at the same time, it's Friday. And Friday is good. Especially when it's payday. But, as much as I look forward to Friday for being the beginning of the weekend (you know, eventually, at like 5), I also dread it because I know work is going to make me want to shoot my eye out with an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.

Anyway, I'm currently enjoying Friday because the crazy hasn't started yet, and ALSO it's really warm and pretty outside. And even though I'm stuck inside, it's enough right now to know that if I were to go outside, I wouldn't need a big, stupid, heavy winter coat. FINALLY. I mean, sure, within the next couple days, it could snow, but right now I'm going to enjoy the sunshine.

The warm weather actually started yesterday. I walked out of work in short sleeves and didn't freeze my arms off, which is always a nice surprise. Later, Joe and I walked up to The Greene for dinner, and even though the walk home was a bit chilly, I was still fine in a sweatshirt. AWESOME, I say. I don't really have much to talk about aside from the warm weather. That's how excited about it I am.

Other exciting things are in the works, Internets, only I can't talk about them yet. With any luck, you'll all know by next Thursday. Mwaahaahaa! Yeah.

Also! I want to thank you all for sending me your brains to use on Wednesday. I hope you don't mind that I'm never giving them back. I like having the brainpower of the entire Internet. Again I say, mwaaahaahaa! Ahem.

Yes, I am an adult

Sometimes we get really random things in the mail at work. Like today? We got a tube full of binder clips and instructions on how to make a Binder Clip Dinosaur and DUH I totally made one. WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?