ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD

Sometimes I think about quitting the internet. Not all of it, of course, because I would miss you guys. But I think about quitting stuff like Facebook and Twitter. And not JUST because of how much time I spend, well, wasting time, but because I’m pretty sure they are actively making me stupider, which I think we’ll all agree I can hardly afford. I actually told someone the other day that I’d been thinking about giving up my smartphone. I love being connected to everything but if I had a problem before I had a smartphone, I’d try to actually THINK of a solution and now I just Google it.

I’d want everyone else to give up Facebook and Twitter and smartphones with me, though. It wouldn’t work if it was just me because everyone would still be busy composing 140 characters of cleverness all the time. The thing is, I miss the blogosphere as it once once. Before you had to brand yourself in order to have any kind of blogging success. Hell, before there was such a thing as blogging success. I miss people blogging daily (or at least almost daily) about absolutely nothing at all. I miss Greader as it used to be, a place to post and comment and gather and waste time, but, you know, waste time in a good way.

I even miss the time before Greader! Remember that? I used to have all of my favorite blogs blogrolled (OMG REMEMBER THAT) on my blog sidebar, and I’d click on every blog at least once a day to see if anyone had updated. Now it’s too easy. Greader does all my work for me, which is nice and all, but even reading blogs is making me lazier and I don't really need help with that.

Nothing stays the same, especially not the internet, but I do miss the way the blogging community was when I first started out. The excitement of finding a great new blog or someone new commenting on your own is still there but it’s getting harder to chase that feeling. There are so many stuff-specific blogs. Food blogs and fashion blogs and fitness blogs (OH MY!) but where are the people who used to just write stories about their general life business? They’re still out there, I know, but most of my favorites either don’t post anymore or they don’t post with the frequency they once did. WHY CAN’T EVERYTHING JUST STAY THE SAME ALWAYS, UUUUUGH.

That’s not to say things are necessarily any better or worse now. They’re just different. In a way, I love the closeness (real or imagined) that things like Facebook and Twitter allow us. Instead of waiting a day (or longer) for someone to update their blog, I know what’s going on immediately, provided said person is an avid FB/Twitter updater (but that’s a whole nother story). I’m sure the constant influx of information is giving us all collective ADD but at least we won’t ever miss anything. Perish the thought! And all other thoughts. You don’t need them anymore. The internet will think for us.

"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist."

This morning, I was trying to figure out what to listen to on Spotify but couldn't think of anything (MY LIFE IT IS SO HARD) so I put on Indie radio. Coldplay's Don't Panic came on which gave me the brilliant idea to listen to the Garden State soundtrack. (That song is on the Garden State soundtrack. In case you weren’t aware. The thoughts were connected, is what I'm saying.)

I listened to the Garden State soundtrack all morning because I guess I wanted to make myself really sad? That's the only thing I can think of. I was obsessed with Garden State (both the movie and the soundtrack) when it came out. I was just out of college and floundering through adulthood (The Shins hadn't yet changed my life) so a story about a guy going home and drifting along until he found some sort of connection with someone or something was right up my alley. I watched the movie constantly, sometimes starting it over as soon as the credits rolled. If I remember correctly (and it seems I do), Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were in pretty constant rotation for a while which...I guess I was trying to MAKE myself suffer from crippling depression? Good idea, Past!Jennie.

So you can imagine how disappointed I was when Joe and I watched Garden State a couple of years ago and I hated it. Just hated it. I hated everyone in it. Though, I was never all that fond of Natalie Portman's character, having been convinced upon first viewing that she stole my “socially awkward, lying-for-no-reason” schtick. Most everyone else was OK back then, though. But this time? Everything grated. The slow drift through the story (such as it was), the overly dramatic dialogue, the "original moment," I couldn't believe how much I used to love it.

God, even reading the quotes on IMDb is giving me a mad case of CringeFace (so stop, IDIOT). I think what it is, is that I loved this movie SO MUCH, so unabashedly, that now I'm embarrassed that I felt so strongly. Which is stupid. Who cares that I used to love that movie? It spoke to me at a time when I needed it and now I don't need it anymore and that's OK. There’s a reason we behave differently at 30 than we did at 20 and that is called GROWING AS A PERSON or some bullshit, and that’s fine and normal and blah blah whatever.

Anyway. The Garden State soundtrack is still great. And it does still make me sad when I listen to it. It makes me miss the person I used to be, confused as she was, because I don't really know her anymore. I'm no longer homesick for that place that doesn't exist. But I used to be. For a long time, I felt stuck in limbo between childhood and adulthood, like I was just playing adult most of the time. And while I still feel that way sometimes, I also know that I'm capable of doing adult-like things, good or bad, without completely falling apart. I'm so much more capable than I used to be, more capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I mean, we all are, right?

Still. It makes me a bit nostalgic, listening to the soundtrack of my early twenties. A little heart-achy and more than a little eye-rolly, and, since we’re talking about my early twenties here, that feels almost perfect.

Of the people in this room, which one is A) wearing a spangly outfit and B) not of use?

Everyone wishes they were a superhero, right? That's a thing, isn't it? Or that they could do, like, magic? Like Harry Potter? Or better yet, magic like all-around badass Hermione Granger, because if you're going to do magic, you might as well do it like THE BEST WITCH OF HER AGE.



But magic requires practice and talent and really I'd prefer that these superhuman powers were just given to me so I don't have to do any real work. Yeah, yeah, I know that having superpowers often comes with a shitload of personal problems (with great power comes great responsibility, GOD I KNOW, UNCLE BEN, YOU KILLJOY), but I think the trade off is worth it. Though, I'm probably just saying that because if I had superpowers, I most likely wouldn't use them to better the world at all. I mean, I could sit here and tell you all that I'd immediately get a cape and some tights and start trying to save the world, but I think we all know that I'd only use my powers for personal gain. Which...I guess means I might be a supervillian? Oops.

What if we all got to pick a superpower once we reached a certain age? Like, CONGRATULATIONS, you turned 16, here's a car and THE POWER OF FLIGHT. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE. I mean, I guess they wouldn't really be superpowers at that point, they'd just be normalpowers, which means there wouldn't be superheroes or supervillians, just heroes and villians, which sounds kind of boring so never mind. Only I get the powers. But if I could pick a superpower (or five, because lists make everything better), here are the ones I'd choose:

1. Flight (DUH)

THIS REQUIRES NO EXPLANATION.

2. Super!Brain

So I can be smarter than everyone, obviously, and plan all my Super!Plans. I assume that having superpowers is hell on a normal brain, so hopefully I'll be more equipped to deal with all of that if I have a Super!Brain.

3. Invisibility

So I can easily rob banks and stuffs. For money. For my Super!Plans.

4. Speedy Quickness

Because I might need to RUN SO FAST after I rob the banks and stuffs. Though. I can already fly, but we can assume the speedy quickness applies to flight as well as running, right? Yes. Let's definitely assume.

5. Invincibility (Confusing, right, because it sounds and looks like #3 up there? BUT THEY ARE DIFFERENT OK LEARN TO READ.)

Because what the hell is even the point of having superpowers if someone can just stab you and it's all OOPS WHERE'D YOUR BLOOD GO oh wait, you're dead. Obviously, the only way to protect your superpowered self is to be totally invincible so some stupid jerk can't come along and kill you dead like the rest of these puny mortals.



SO ANYWAY. I think we can all agree that if I did have any or all of these powers, I'd be NIGH UNSTOPPABLE, provided I ever worked up the motivation to stop watching Buffy reruns long enough to take over the world. I guess you're all safe.

FOR NOW.

On sleep, or lack thereof

It's amazing what a difference a good night's sleep makes. I mean, not really. It's not amazing at all. It's actually pretty obvious. Everyone knows sleep is good. Duh. Long-time readers of this blog (or even not-so-long-time readers) might remember that I often have trouble sleeping, sometimes going through long stretches of time without getting a good night's sleep, which sucks and also double sucks because when I don't sleep, it's all I want to talk about and THAT IS SUPER BORING. But boring enough to put me to sleep? No.

Sometimes my sleep trouble is Max's fault, for sneaking onto our bed while we're asleep and then trying to curl up on my pillow. Sometimes it's Phoebe's fault, because it seems like 3am is her favorite vomiting time and, you guys, vomiting time is LOUD. Sometimes it's Joe's fault (IT SO IS) for snoring or moving too much or accidentally elbowing me in the head or, really, for just being asleep when I'm not asleep HOW RUDE NO FAIR.

But most of the time, it's no one's fault but my own because I can't turn my brain off. I can't make myself relax because you know what the least relaxing thing in the world is? Trying to tell yourself to relax. Especially if you're already worried that you're not going to get enough sleep. It's easy to tell yourself in the bright light of day that all you need to do is close your eyes, focus on your breathing, and you'll relax, but when it's nighttime and you're stressed about work the next day and you're brain-yelling at yourself to RELAX BREATHE IN COUNT TO FOUR BREATHE OUT COUNT TO FOUR RELAX RELAX RELAX...you're never going to fall asleep. SORRY BUT YOU'RE NOT.



Sunday was one of those nights for me. I had no good reason to not be able to fall asleep. If I fell asleep at all, I woke up an hour later, hoping that I could just fall right back to sleep but NO. I finally fell into a nice sleep around 5:30, only to wake up an hour later with the alarm, wanting to cry and sink back into bed instead of facing the day.

What do you guys do if you can't sleep? Do you get up and do stuff? Or, like me, do you just lie there, doing sad math until your alarm goes off? You know, like this: "OK, if I fall to sleep now, I can still get five hours of sleep...I can live on that. It's only one day, and then I can come straight home after work and take a nap...oh, shit...OK, if I fall to sleep NOW, I can get four hours of sleep. People live on that all the time. It's fine. Doctors don't sleep for like 48 hours straight and they operate on people so I can definitely sit at a desk all day on four hours of sleep. It's fine. OH SHIT THREE HOURS OF SLEEP I MIGHT AS WELL JUST GIVE UP AND FREAK OUT FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT."

And so on.

There's got to be a better way to use this sleepless time. Should I get up and do something productive? Try to read a book? Reading in bed always makes me sleepy. Should I just give up and get up at 3am to work out or something? Or will that just lead to me falling asleep on the way to work? HELP ME, INTERNET, YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE. Because this was me when I got home from work yesterday:



and that is unacceptable.

Dear Way-in-the-FutureMe

Do you think we'll still be blogging in 100 years? Or even 50? 10? Or, at some point, maybe our brains will just be injected into the mainframe (LIKE THE X-FILES) and they'll go whizzing by each other, all speedy quick and fancy free, which means we'll all be able to hang out together, in real life, only real life will be way different because it all exists inside your computer-brain. I mean, really, we're halfway there, if you think about it.

I think I keep mentioning this, but I'm still working on a FutureMe Project, which consists of writing my future-self letters every week and sending them a year into the future. It's actually been really fun, sort of like keeping a journal that I don't get to read (at least not for a while), which is nice because it keeps the navel-gazing down to the bare minimum. I'm actually pretty impressed with myself (honestly, it doesn't take much) because I've actually stuck with this project for over six months and, for most projects I dream up, that's almost unheard of. Anyway, I feel like if I keep talking about it, it'll keep me accountable, even though no one but me cares if I stop doing it. (Dear PresentMe: DON'T STOP THIS PROJECT OR I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT. LOVE YOU!)

Sometimes I think about sending myself a letter fifty years into the future. Maybe I already did, and I don't remember, and I'll get it in, like, 49 years, I don't know. I don't know what kind of shit Past!Jennie was up to a year ago, because I haven't started getting my weekly updates yet. Though, if I were to write a letter to myself, 50 years into the future, it'd probably be something like this. And if I did send one, I really, really hope I get it in 50 years because otherwise that means A) email no longer exists or B) I'm dead, and both of those options sound like a major bummer:

Dear Me/You,

Hello! How are you? You're, like, super old now. 80! Do you feel 80? Cause you look 80 AHAHAHAHA jk, I have no idea what you look like. Because I don't have a crystal ball. OMG DO YOU HAVE A CRYSTAL BALL IN THE FUTURE? Anyway, I assume you look super old. Because you're old. SO OLD. OMG, how did you get that old? I don't even feel like I'm 30, but you probably remember that since you were me at one time. Or maybe you don't remember, because that was 50 years ago.

What's the world like now? Because here is what I imagine: Everyone drives flying cars and rides around on hoverboards, you take pills in the morning that contain all of the food you need for the day (which solved the world's obesity crisis, right?), and you can surf the internet WITH YOUR BRAIN. Am I close? I also hope that you've somehow figured out how to build a time machine and used it to travel back and play with baby dinosaurs. And the only reason you didn't come back to say hi to me at some point is because you didn't want to destroy the space-time continuum. Fingers crossed!

I hope you've had a good life. I mean, obviously. Why would I hope that you had a shitty life? That would be a dick move. I wonder if you had any kids or grandkids or if you just stuck with puppies and grandpuppies. Have you ever been to the moon? OH MY GOD DO YOU LIVE ON THE MOON? I wish you could write a letter to the past so I know what the future is like. I'm very impatient, as you know, and I don't want to wait 50 years to see for myself.

Anyway, I hope you're having a good day/week/year/half-a-century! Also, I hope you don't have to wear diapers. That seems like it'd be a drag.

Love,

You-Minus-50-Years

PS: Do you still laugh when people say butt or fart or poop or duty (heh, DOODY) etcetera etcetera? I hope so.

Enough about the future, let's talk about the past.

So because of my post yesterday, Joe went deep, deep into my archives (not a euphemism) and read many posts that I have only a vague recollection of, including posts from my old, old, old blog on DIARYLAND. Remember Diaryland? JFC. He brought it up at dinner last night and oh, sidebar a moment? I have to tell you all that last night I cooked dinner AND we also ate at the table like civilized human people, instead than eating in front of the TV with our plates placed precariously on our laps. I mean, we’ll probably go back to doing that tomorrow night, but if we can eat at the table one night a week SO MUCH THE BETTER.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, right. DIARYLAND. It’s my own fault, for linking to a post from 2006 yesterday, leading my naturally curious (NOSY) husband on a journey through my other posts from so many years ago. It wasn’t really that bad, though. I don't think I ever posted anything all that embarrassing. Well. I mean, it might have been embarrassing to a normal person (see: the time I almost fell into the men’s room) but it wasn’t stuff I'd never tell anyone. Honestly, I’m a little offended that it took him this long to read all that old stuff. I know there’s a lot of it, but he wasn’t curious at all when we first started dating? I guess that’s the difference between us, because I use the Googles whenever I’m stalking curious about a new person.

I guess he made up for his earlier non-snoopage because he read A LOT of stuff yesterday. Just...a LOT. He told me all about it when he got home from work. He had questions, you see. Mostly about a story from the old, old blog involving me almost getting kidnapped by a creepy man at the park (EXAGGERATION, DID NOT HAPPEN).

It was only when I went back and looked at what he was talking about that I realized I’ve been blogging for almost ten years. Ten years! That’s a long fucking time! It’s easy to write that off as nothing. After all, it’s not like all of my blogging has gotten me a book deal or even made me internet famous. But without this blog, I wouldn’t have met any of you, and that would have been terrible (UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR ALERT). Even those of you I’ve never met in person feel like close friends. So if the internet apocalypse ever happens (NOOOOOOOOO), I’m going to be really pissed because I only know how to get in touch with most of you through imaginary methods. We should really designate a safe house, so we all end up at the same place. I suggest Hogwarts. All in favor? 

You might belong in Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart

A few years ago, I decided to live my year with a motto: NO REGRETS*. This led to various decisions, both good and bad, some of which included 1) Telling a boy I liked him and 2) meeting a boy-stranger from the internet (not Joe). Neither of these situations ended up the way I wanted them to at the time, but they were, I don't know, experiences that I needed to have? Blah blah PERSONAL GROWTH blah.

This year, I've decided to my motto is BE BRAVE. Because, you guys? I'm a total chickenshit. I talk a good game but mostly I just want to sit back and hang out and not worry about if I'm being proactive enough or talking enough or doing enough to ACHIEVE MY DREAMS because did you know that doing dream-achievey stuff is scary sometimes? Or at least it should be. So I've heard. I don't actually know from experience or anything.

I've been sitting here, for a while really, twirling my hair and staring into space and trying to remember the last time I did something that really scared me. And I'm not talking about, like, trying to merge onto the highway in Chicago during rush hour, though that is TERRIFYING, I'm talking about something with actual stakes, something I could fail miserably at, publicly or not, and...I'm coming up blank.

So far this year I haven't really done anything scary but it's not that I've been AVOIDING scary things, it's just that no scary things have come up. Granted, I haven't really been seeking anything out, though, so that's partly on me. But give me a break, it's only January 8th. It's hard to implement a million goals at once, so I'm instead focusing on one or two things at a time, so I don't do what I always do, which is try to do everything at once and then get super burnt out after like a week, which then leads me to give up on everything and go back to my old, lazy ways.

Joe and I have both been trying to write more and have been successful so far, but I told him yesterday that I need to find a better writing system. I used my lunch break to work on some reviews for Cannonball Read (because somehow I'm already behind, even though we're only a week into the new year, maybe because I devoured a million books while I was off of work). I usually write on my lunch break, unless I had to use my brain too much already that day and it’s no longer working, or if I want to leave my closet office for a while and get some fresh air, but let's face it, since when do I ever willingly get up from a computer to go outside?

Anyway, so when I sit down to write something, anything really, it's like I enter some kind of fugue state and just type and type and type as fast as my fingers will allow and, once I'm done with whatever I'm writing, I shake my head and sit back, take a deep breath and think, "wtf, where am I, what have I been doing?" and then I get tired and can't write anymore. So I'm really trying to work more slowly. I think what I'm afraid of is that I'll forget something I want to write down because my mind is all manic, so I feel like I have to type as fast as my brain is working and THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. Until I can figure out a way to plug the computer directly into my brain, I'm going to have to SLOW DOWN.

So there we go, I guess. My themes for the year are BE BRAVE and SLOW DOWN. I'm not sure how those two fit together, really, or even if they do, but I'll see what happens. I guess I’ll just be brave...slowly? Yeah, that sounds about right.

*I just want to point out that I came up with this motto without having seen Friday Night Lights, which just goes to show you that Tim Riggins and I are MFEO. Just sayin'.

I am the future, WORLD, so get it together already

I keep changing the background image on my desktop at work. Usually, it's set as some kind of beach scene but not necessarily. Sometimes it's a waterfall. Or the woods. Or some Sound of Music hilltops. And when I find myself getting too stressed out, I go to my desktop and stare at the picture for a few minutes, taking deep breaths until I relax. YES I REALIZE THAT THIS IS COMPLETELY SAD BUT MY OFFICE IS A CAVE WITH NO WINDOW AND MY COMPUTER IS MY ONLY CONNECTION TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD SO LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY. Ahem.

Eventually, the picture's effectiveness wears off, which is why I have to keep changing it, but it's always a nature picture because, provided no animals are trying to attack you or you don't step onto a beehive, nature is relaxing as shit. And, given the crazy busyness of the past few months, I am very much into relaxing, especially when things are relaxing as shit because SHIT IS RELAXING DID YOU KNOW THAT?

Last night, I was kind of dreading coming home, not because I didn't want to leave work (PSHAW), but because I knew I was going to have to cook dinner when I got there. None of this "let's just pick something up on the way home," business, because my goals for the year include not eating junk food every night of the week, which means one thing: COOKING. The other thing I was dreading was the fact that we haven't been to the grocery since I-don't-know-when, so I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to cook. But it turned out to be fine, because I always forget that cooking is the ideal time to play my Spotify "Disney and Crap" playlist as loudly as possible and have a sing-a-long whilst sauteing. OMG REMEMBER DISNEY SINGALONGS?



But, you guys, when I say I was cooking, I don't mean COOKING cooking (not like Kat cooking), I mean I was in the kitchen and I chopped things and I used the stove, which I guess is TECHNICALLY cooking but it didn't feel like cooking because here is what I made: scrambled eggs with turkey and sauteed bell peppers, which I then mixed with salsa and guacamole. BRINNER! I also had a glass of milk and a piece of dark chocolate, in case you were wondering. I know you aren't supposed to blog about what you had for lunch but this is what I had for dinner AND it was mostly breakfast food, so I think I'm safe. WHATEVER, BLOG RULES, I DEFY YOU.

What do you guys do to relax? Besides drink heavily, I mean. Do you cook? I only find cooking to be relaxing if I know what I'm doing, which is hardly ever. But I sometimes forget that not everyone is exactly like me (WHAT) so things I find terrifying and horrible (like going shopping at THE MALL) might be the very things that cause massive relaxation (gross) in other people.

Sometimes I don't understand what we, and by WE I mean HUMANS, have done to our lives, the world, etc. Sure, we've had all these technological breakthroughs, people don't (usually) die of the common cold anymore, and, you know, we have constant contact to THE INTERNET, which I wouldn't trade for almost anything. But really this is all just creating way more work for us when we should be chasing the ideal life, which is: spending as much time as possible sitting around DOING NOTHING. For real! I feel like the majority of my life is spent trying to do all the stuff that I HAVE to do as quickly as possible so I can bank as much free time as I can (like...a video game?), and I will then spend all of that banked free time DOING NOTHING and by DOING NOTHING, I mean reading or writing or cuddling the internet in the soft glow of Netflix. Why isn't this everyone's goal? CATCH UP, WORLD.

WARNING: this post is heavy on the caps lock SORRY BUT GET OVER IT

So already I've thought of at least one resolution I should have made and that is GET OUT OF BED ON TIME, DUMBASS. I don't know what my deal is. I used to set my alarm and get out of bed at that time every day, knowing that I'd have exactly enough time to get everything done I needed to, namely: brush teeth, shower, pack lunch, grab breakfast/coffee/etc, TELL MAX HE IS SUCH A GOOD BOY and also WHAT A CUTE PUPPY FACE HE HAS. But lately, not only am I not getting out of bed on time, but I'm waking up in the middle of the night and CHANGING MY ALARM. What is that? And then! I just wander around the house for a while, in between pieces of the whole GETTING READY project, and sometimes I get back in bed so I can cuddle Max or Phoebe because THAT IS IMPORTANT FOR LIFE. 

My body already didn't want to get out of bed because it was dark and cold, but it was even worse this morning because I've been eating every kind of junk food imaginable lately, just because it's there and it's easier than trying to think of something healthier to cook WHICH IS A TOTAL LIE because you know what would be healthier? ANYTHING. And ANYTHING includes scrambled eggs or a PBJ sandwich, both of which take less effort than picking up the phone to order pizza. Though. That's not entirely true, because Joe always calls to order the pizza. Hmm.

Going back to work today was HELLA NOT FUN and I'm sorry for just saying "hella." I don't think I've ever said or typed that before so I'm not sure why that's the way I'm starting 2013 on my blog. WTF. Anyway. You know what was not fun about today? I had to get up at a certain time (even if it didn't end up being exactly ON TIME), the temperature when I left home was 14 degrees, and this is how I spent my days while on break: eating, drinking, sitting in pajamas, watching Doctor Who, going to the movies. I don't get to do any of that at work! Except eat. And I can drink, but only stuff like water or soda, no wine or whiskey.

Today's not all bad, though, NO IT IS NOT. My sister turned 27 today (HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SISTER!) but it took me a long time this morning to think of how old she was going to be. You see, because in my head, she's still, like, 21 but that's only because in my head, I'm still 25. When I realized she was going to be 27, I THEN realized that I am turning 31 in just a few months! I realized a lot of things, I know. It's been a pretty crazy day. I don't know why turning 31 seems scarier than turning 30 but it does. It's not the age part of it, really, I think it's just that SERIOUSLY I JUST TURNED 30. I haven't even gotten used to being 30 yet! I still think of myself as a twenty-something, which hasn't been true for 8 months now. STOP MOVING, TIME, AND LET ME CATCH UP. Jerk.

I don't have a point, really (SHOCKER). Just that it's only the second day of the year and I already feel like I'm behind.