the girl with kaleidoscope eyes

You might want to stay away from me today. I am an anger ball. A tiny, hateful, twisted mass of vitriol ready to spring and cut you with evil, spiteful words and I don't think you want that.

I didn't sleep well last night, POSSIBLY from the combination of food (or food-type substances) I gorged myself with during the Super Bowl. I spent most of the night tossing and turning and during the bit I didn't spend tossing and turning I had the weirdest dreams I have ever had in the history of my life and no I will not be sharing them because some of them were borderline inappropriate and some of them? Not even borderline. And then, AND THEN, I spent the majority of this morning driving around the country looking for our new office. I was only lost for about half an hour of that time, though, but it was a scary half hour because I was almost out of gas so I kept picturing myself practically freezing to death on the side of the road until I was rescued by the male version of Kathy Bates who would take me back to his/her cabin in the dark, secluded woods and make me write him/her a novel and then smash my feet with a sledgehammer when I tried to escape and now I can't remember how it ends. I think Kathy Bates gets what's coming to her but I can't recall and I don't feel like looking it up. So there. Anyway, I did not freeze to death and I did find a gas station and I also found our new office even though I was half an hour late.

The brightest part of my day? I heard Sweet Caroline on the radio but it was at the office so I couldn't sing along like I normally do. Yes, I know how incredibly sad it is that that was the brightest part of my day but that is just the kind of day it's been. I am one frigid-cold morning away from flying south for the winter. Who wants to let me build a nest in their front yard? Or back yard, really. I'm not picky. It doesn't even have to be that warm. I'd settle for 50. OK, 35 even.

if you build it, he will come*

Is it wrong that I'm cheering for the Bears tonight just because I like that skit from SNL? Also, I think everyone else I'm watching the game with is cheering for the Colts, so I feel bad that the Bears will be all alone. In our living room, anyway. Also. I really like going to Chicago and I feel I need to pay back the city in some way for all the shenanigans we pull when we're there.

And in other news . . . is it wrong that I'm more excited for the Puppy Bowl than the actual Super Bowl? No? OK, good.

*Sorry. I like baseball more than football

Oh, and also THIS:

Don't pretend you didn't sing along. You liar.

D-d-d-danger!

Here you go, Kat, I think you did have the words right. Also? I heart Youtube SO. MUCH.

I wanna quit the gym!

Earlier this week, Heidi and I joined a gym. Because it's cold outside and half-assedly doing a 20 minute Pilates DVD four times a week just wasn't having the results we were hoping for. Go figure. It's the same gym my dad and uncle go to at 5 in the morning, but I doubt we'll ever run into them. Who works out at 5 AM? Crazy people, that's who. Anyway, so nine months after moving into our apartment, we discovered that residents of our apartment complex get a discount at a nearby gym. A significant discount. The guy who sold us our membership also pretended we were sisters and gave us a family discount. And waived the usual 1.5 million dollar registration fee. It is so cheap, you guys! So cheap! Which is good, because after we pay for cable, the Internets, and our Target addiction, we don't have a lot of money to just throw around all willy-nilly like Donald Trump, who probably not only lights his cigars with hundred dollar bills, but wipes his butt with them and ALSO has a giant room in his house full of monies and goes swimming in ginormous piles of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck.

The whole registration process was a long one, full of tedious paperwork, and the guy helping us (I'll call him Seth . . . because that was his name) told us he used to live on Wittenberg's campus AT THE SAME TIME Heidi and I went there. I asked if he was familiar with McMurray's (aka That Bar We Went To Every Other Night) and he said he used to be a bouncer there. So I'm actually surprised he didn't recognize us. I kind of wanted to be like, "Oh, hey, we were those girls who monopolized the karaoke machine!" or "You know all those missing bar signs from the walls? We took those!" or "Sorry if you ever had to yell at us at 2:30 in the morning because we wouldn't leave the bar" but I didn't say any of those things because he hadn't given us our membership yet and I didn't want to be banned from the gym before I had a chance to try out the Cardio Cinema. That's right, Cardio Cinema. You can watch movies while you work out. And sure, last night the movie was Rocky (I don't know which number as this was the first piece of a Rocky film I have ever seen) but flashy lights and loud noises make the time go faster regardless of what movie is producing them.

And now I bring you . . . Conversations With My Roommate: Gym Edition.

In the car

Me: I hope someone warned the gym we were coming.
Heidi: I know, we're probably going to say something inappropriate.
Me: Yes, LOUDLY inappropriate.
Heidi: Like vas deferens.
Me: Or cervix.
Heidi: Ew.
Me: Some words should not ever be said.
Heidi: I agree.
Me: Like panties.
Heidi: I hate that word.
Me: Also? Moist.
Heidi: Oh, yes! That word is banished!
Me: Also those words should never be put together. Because . . . moist panties? Ew.
Heidi: Oh god.
Me: Seriously, should we have called ahead to warn them we were on our way?

On the way to the locker room

Heidi: So . . . they spelled your name wrong.
Me: I know. Both of them!
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: At what point do you think I should tell them my name is not Jenny Baylar?
Heidi: Um.
Me: Probably before now?
Heidi: Probably.

In the cross-training room

Me: I wish sports wasn't on the TV.
Heidi: Didn't that guy say we could change the channel?
Me: Score!
Heidi: Can you reach it?
Me: YES . . . ok, maybe.
Heidi: What are you putting it on?
Me: Duh, The Office.
Heidi: What is Ben Franklin doing on The Office?
Me: I don't know, but it is all kinds of awesome.

Me [whispering]: Can I tell you something?
Heidi: Yes.
Me: I am uncomfortable with how much working-out-noises sound like sex noises.
Heidi: Haha, me too.
Me: Seriously, do you hear that guy over there?
Heidi: Unfortunately.

ALSO. We were privy to a conversation between two men on the other end of the room and DURING THIS CONVERSATION one of them, after saying that he'd had to change five beds at the hospital that day, said these magical words, "I peed in my bed! I puked in my bed! I pooped in my bed! I peed the bed again!" Have you ever heard anything so beautiful? Also, it's hard not to hurt yourself on a piece of gym equipment when you're laughing not only hysterically but also trying to be quiet about it.

Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

So, according to the groundhog, we're going to have an early spring. Someone obviously didn't get the memo because it has been snowing here all day. I would like to kick that furry, little rat's ass right about now.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu. Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu.

So today I had to do something that made me very, very nervous. I can't say what it was, though. All I'll say is that I had to borrow some grown-up clothes from Heidi (thanks, Heidi!) and even though the pants were a little long and I thought my boobs might burst through the top button on her blazer, I think I looked pretty damn good. Not anymore, though. Now I am wearing pajama pants, a t-shirt, and a hooded sweatshirt (not red, though). HOT.

Anyway, when I have to do something that makes me very, very nervous, I have a very, very nerdy way of conquering the tiny butterflies playing racquetball in my stomach. Not only do I chant "What Would Elizabeth Bennet Do?" under my breath (not really . . . ok, maybe a little), but I always, ALWAYS have a specific song from The Sound of Music running through my head. You know? That one she sings about having confidence in confidence alone and she runs through the city swinging her guitar case in such a way that you just KNOW there is no guitar inside or it would have ripped her arm out of socket. Anyway. That is the song that runs through my head when I'm nervous. I didn't choose it. It's just there. I guess when you spend your formative years with Julie Andrews, something is gonna stick.

I am ALMOST ashamed that I shared that. Almost, I said.

As of right now I still have jury duty. Heh, duty. I'm supposed to call after 7 tonight to see if anything has changed and I'm hoping when I call they'll say, "Dear Jennie, please don't worry about dragging your tired ass out into the cold tomorrow morning. Stay at home. Sleep in. Lounge in your pjs." Not that it'd matter if they told me they didn't need me anymore. I'd just have to go to work, but at least work has the Internets. Although, at jury duty I might be able to finish the book I'm reading. Hmm. Quite a dilemma. Don't you feel sorry for me? Oh! Question! How long does jury duty last? Am I going to be down there all day? Like til 5? Because I have better things to do (see above: sleeping, lounging, Internets).

I have exciting news. You know how I decided to grow my hair long again? No? Well, I decided to grow my hair long again and today . . . this magical day . . . I realized that with the help of two tiny barrettes and a very small amount of hairspray I can put my hair IN A PONYTAIL. OH. HAPPY. DAY. I hope this amazing development is a sign of other good things to come if you know what I'm saying and I think you DON'T because I can't tell you. Do you see what I did there? Like it? No? Oh. OK.