turn around, bright eyes

Last night around 9, I was just sitting and thinking that I was sure there was something I was supposed to be doing. That's when Heather (through text messaging medium) was all, "This eclipse is so cool!" and that's when I was all, "OH. MY. GOD. I'M. MISSING. IT."

And I jumped up and put on my galoshes (shut up, they were the closest) and grabbed my peacoat and ran outside even though I was wearing Strawberry Shortcake pajama pants because the moon was playing hide and seek and OH MY GOD I WAS MISSING IT.

And then I looked all around and found the moon and it looked like someone had taken a giant bite out of it and I jumped up and down and pointed and no one else was outside looking and OH MY GOD THEY'RE MISSING IT.

So I ran back inside and called my parents and my sister answered and I said, "I need to talk to mom and dad," and she was all, "about what?" and I said, "THE MOON" and then I heard her yell, "Jennie needs to talk to you," and my mom was all like, "about what?" and my sister was like, "the moon," and my mom finally picked up and I shouted, "DID YOU SEE THE MOON?" and she said, "Dad said it's not in full effect til 10 or 10:30," and I was like, "but you can see it now!" and she was like, "I'll look at 10 when I let the dog out," and I said, "BUT YOU CAN SEE IT NOW!" and she very calmly asked if that's all I'd called for thank you and goodnight and OH MY GOD THEY'RE MISSING IT.

It reminded me of that time Heidi, Steve and I went to a bar or something and on the way home I remembered that there was a meteor shower that night, only it turned out it was the night before or something and everyone was sad that OH MY GOD THEY MISSED IT.

_____

Today on The Collective, it's the Chronic(what?)cles of Narnia.

On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar

This morning, the DJ on my favorite radio station in the history of radio stations was plugging something called PrinceFest, which is taking place next month and consists of local bands covering nothing but Prince songs. As soon as I got to work, I checked it out online and emailed Heidi because WE HAVE TO GO TO THIS. HELLO. How awesome and hilarious is this going to be? The truth is, I can't even tell you BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN YET.

Anyway. What else. Hmm. Last night at volunteering, I got to play Candy Land. And then we played in this mini sandbox. It was amazing. The weird thing about volunteering is, I'm usually in a horrible mood when I get there (as I've just come from work), but by the time I leave I'm in such a good mood you'd think I just won the lottery and married Jake Gyllenhaal or something. You wouldn't think that after talking about death and grieving for an hour and a half would lead to a good mood, but YOU'D BE WRONG.

Also, I forgot to link to all this stuff. Because I'm easily distracted. So, here's the deal. This week on The Collective, we're listing the 5 Best Somethings. On Monday, Heather Anne told us about the 5 Best TV Couples on . . . TV. In it, she compares Jim Halpert to Mr. Darcy and then my brain stopped working. And Abigail, well, she gave everyone 5 excuses to drink. I don't know how to thank her. But if you read it, you'll see that you should be drinking right now. Today, Kat loves on bugs. Some of them I'm OK with, like fireflies, but then she started talking about zombie-making wasps and I might have passed out a little. I'd link to my post, but it doesn't go up until tomorrow. Also, I haven't written it. Also, I don't even know what I'm writing about. Clearly my procrastination is in FULL EFFECT.

And the language these guys use. Rough! One of the guys told me to take my head out of my bottom and get back to work.

Today was a grand day. Just GRAND, I tell you. Actually, it really wasn't that bad, it's just that I think the worst feeling in the whole entire world is that feeling when you wake up the morning after a three day weekend and realize you have to go to work. Oh, and also you didn't sleep at all the night before because your body and brain refused to calm down and shut up (respectively) enough for you to actually, I don't know, relax and sleep for at least twenty minutes.

Before you start talking about AIDS babies or homeless people or whatever, I KNOW there are worse things in life than having to go back to work after a three day weekend. Like, for instance, not even HAVING a three day weekend. I know I'm being dramatic. But you can just shut up because MY LIFE IS HARD, OK?

I had to go to the hooha doctor today. Apparently if they even suspect that you may at one time in the future EVEN POSSIBLY develop hooha cancer, they want to see you every three months. It's nice that they care so much. Really. You wanna know what the sweetest words ever to be uttered at the gyno's office are? "You can disrobe now, but just on the bottom." Score! I got to leave my shirt on! I know those words don't sound that great, but when it's 15 degrees outside and 30 degrees in the exam room, you're happy that you get to leave whatever clothes you can on.

So there I was, sitting pantsless in the exam room with just a thin, paper blanket to cover my bare, goosebumbly legs. And I didn't want to get up and get a magazine from the counter, because every time I stood up, my bare ass was hanging out in the COLD COLD AIR and that? Was as unpleasant as it sounds. Perhaps moreso if you were standing behind me.

I sat there forever. At least 25 minutes. Maybe even 26. You don't know, you weren't there. Anyway, I was so bored and there was a map of the United States that was color coded to show you where the fattest states are. After I realized that I could barely recognize any of the states and am INCREDIBLY bad at geography, I tried to remember the 50 Nifty United States song. I remembered most of it, including listing all the states in alphabetical order, but I always get mixed up right after Ohio. Cause you're all, "Ohiiiiiiiiiii-ooooooo," which feels like the climax, but it's not. It sort of looks like a climax typed like that, BUT IT'S NOT, I said. Geez, calm down.

Where was I? Who knows? I sure don't. Anyway, after I sang the song a few times, I remembered that Heidi said the last time SHE went to the doctor, there was a Dr. Seuss book in the exam room. So I stood up, still humming the state song, and rummaged around the magazines with one hand while I held the paper blanket skirt shut behind me with my other hand. You know, in case the doctor walked in at that moment, I really didn't want to moon the hallway and its occupants. Although, it would serve them right. That room was ice cold AND devoid of Dr. Seuss books.

The doctor finally came in and seemed really frazzled. She said she was running late and I was all, "no shit, I realized that after you left me here half naked for half an hour." And then she totally rushed through the exam. No drinks, no dinner, NO JOKE. She was just in and out. So to speak.

You'll be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on top of you. With his loose skin and old balls . . . GROSS.

I just realized I haven't written anything here in a while. And by "in a while" I mean like . . . two days. But it felt like a long time. And anyway, it's not like I've been doing anything all that exciting. This is what I did this weekend: wrote articles, played Scrabble, wrote articles, went running, wrote articles, wrote articles, wrote articles. Bleh. I wish someone would just give me a giant wad of money already so I could stop working.

Heidi just got back from vacation last night, so the only human interaction I had all weekend was through the internet (which I'm not sure counts haha omg you guys jk!) and Friday night, when I went over to my grandmother's condo to help the family pack up some stuff to take to her in the assisted living place she's staying at for a couple of months (fingers crossed). That was the longest sentence I've ever written. Probably not, but whatever. Stay with me.

So yeah, I went over there Friday after work. My aunts and uncles were there and my parents, of course, and we ate pizza and I drank my dad's whiskey (because CLEARLY you cannot pack without whiskey) and then everyone else did stuff while I flitted from place to place saying stupid things. I did pack a couple of boxes, but I kept getting distracted by things I was finding. Like, all these old pictures of my dad and his brother and sisters. I wish I'd kept some so I could show the Internets because WOW. There's this one of my parents going to prom or whatever and my dad's suit matches my mom's dress, which sounds OK but my mom's dress was ROBIN'S EGG BLUE. No joke. Also, apparently my mom circa 1977 looks just like me circa now. Only I don't have a robin's egg blue dress. Because I don't wear dresses. Except to weddings. But I've never worn a robin's egg blue dress to a wedding. OH MY GOD THAT'S A LIE. I just remembered that I did once. WOW, good story, Jennie, tell it again.

Anyway, there was a portion of the evening where my dad VERY EXUBERANTLY celebrated That's What She Said Day and I suppose I could have been annoyed only I was laughing too hard and also, it's my own fault for telling him. And it didn't help that right at that time my mom found this incredibly old bowl of nuts and kept saying things like, "wow, these nuts are wrinkly," and "I've never seen nuts this old before." Seriously, you guys, I thought I was going to pass out from all the laughing and the inappropriateness of my mother going on and on about old, wrinkly nuts.

Then I got the bright idea to crack open one of the nuts. Because, I don't know, I was bored and when I'm bored I do ridiculously stupid things like stack shot glasses in a tower or crack open 10 year old nuts. I'll tell you what, though, that nut was SO HARD. I've never held a nut that hard in my hands before. So I cracked it open and it pretty much disintegrated into a pile of dust right there on the table. I looked over at my mom, waiting for the "oh, Jennie," look but then I saw them! Tiny bugs crawling around in the nut dust! DID YOU HEAR ME, INTERNETS? THERE WERE NUT BUGS IN THE NUTS! That's when we decided to just throw the rest of the nuts away and for the rest of the night I thought bugs were crawling ALL OVER ME.

Moral of the story: stay away from old, wrinkly nuts. TRUST ME.

time is so not on my side

I was going to write a real post today, but today is almost over and anyway, I just watched this and now I'm in a Mr. Darcy coma.

I found you, Ms New Booty

Check out my new* boot cup, fools**:



*only, it's not new, it's probably at least 100 years old***
**I don't know
***that may be a slight exaggeration

thanks for coming

Did you guys know that besides today just being Friday, it's also International That's What She Said Day? So tell everyone, because I want it to be really big. Not too big, though, because if it's too big, it's hard to handle. I tried to think of an appropriate way to celebrate this very special day, but it was too hard. I mean, YOU try handling something that huge. No, really. Just tell me how to handle it. I'll do anything. This day deserves a celebration and I want to make sure it's long enough. I know what you're thinking. Balloons! Big ones. Big and bouncy, that's how I like 'em. I remember this one time, I was blowing up balloons for a party and I just blew and blew and it took forever. And this other time, I got all the balloons blown up and someone came in with a stick and started popping them all! And then he started poking ME with his stick! And I was all, "stop poking me with that or I'll break it in half!" But he didn't, so I just took his stick in my hands and gave it everything I had! He won't be using that stick to pop anything ever again, that's for sure.

Alright, that's enough. No sense beating this anymore. I'm spent.

OK, one more time, but let's make it quick: