the kids don't stand a chance

I'm blaming it on all the sandwich talk on The Collective this week, but last night I drove half an hour out of my way to get a Panther Paw from this little deli by my old office. I mean, really it's just a ham sandwich on a croissant but YOU GUYS, it is SO GOOD. And they give you a free pickle there. Any place that gives you a free pickle with your sandwich is fine by me. Actually, I think you should get a free pickle everywhere, but that's just me.

After I devoured my Panther Paw (and pickle), I was really bored because Heidi wasn't home and I'd finished the Arrested Development disc I was watching and was too lazy to switch it to the next one. So I thought, "hey! I shall go to Target!" Because we were almost out of toilet paper and one of my absolute worst fears is running out of toilet paper. If you run out, WHAT DO YOU DO? You can't just not wipe, that's disgusting. Wow, shut up, Jennie.

Also, Phoebe was almost out of cat food. For some reason, she eats every day. I'm not sure what's wrong with her. I'll check with the vet.

I think I was at Target for 12 years. I sent the following texts while there:

Kid in Target is singing Barney. I can kick?

Mom just told her kid to shut up. Ha!

Mmm, Easter candy.

It really was annoying child day at Target, though. Although, is there any other kind of child? Ha! ZING! I'm kidding. I don't find all children annoying, just the annoying ones.

Anyway, where was I? OH. Target. While I was there, I decided to buy some cheap organizy office supplies so I could organize my desk at home. See, at work, my desk is super organized and I know where everything is and if someone moves something I stab them in the neck. But at home? All bets are off. There's all manner of crap stacked ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE and I think the reason I never want to sit down and write is because it's such an unpleasant environment. You know, because a stack of paper might fall on me and cut me and that's dangerous because what if those tiny paper cuts get infected? Huh? How am I supposed to explain that one to the doctor?

BUT. I bought file organizers and paper trays and a pencil cup and now my desk at home resembles my desk at work instead of an office supply explosion site. Which I'm pretty sure doesn't exist. At least not anymore. You know, on account of I CLEANED MY DESK. Although, I give it a week before it looks like a disaster area again. And that's being generous.

it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again

This morning on the way to work, I was all pissed off because it was cold and my car was taking forever to warm up and then, just as I pulled into the parking lot at work, I remembered that last night I had turned the blowy temperature thingie (technical term) to blow cool air because I was wearing both my heavy coat AND a sweater and I was hot and I didn't feel right opening the windows because there was snow on the ground. It all made sense yesterday, I swear. So. That's why it was cold. It reminded me of this game my friend Amy told me her brother used to play. When it was really cold outside, he'd lock all the car doors and turn on the AC and say, "let's play Antarctica!" I think he played a similar game in the summer, except he used the heat and it was called "Sahara Desert." I find this to be one of the greatest stories anyone has ever told me. I wish I had come up with it, but I didn't. I could have told you I did, but that would be lying and lying is wrong.

So I was in sort of a bad mood, on account of I was freezing and I knew it was because of my own stupidity, but after a while I decided to not be in a bad mood anymore. It worked, too, because I'm very good at bossing myself to do stuff and also I was listening to The Shins, which has the inexplicable ability to make me smile. It's weird that The Shins Effect can be so different for everyone. Because I'm pretty sure The Shins make Heidi want to punch me in the face. Heh.

I have a confession to make, Internets. You know how they show The Office reruns on TBS on Tuesdays? Well, even though I have seen every episode at least (at least!) five times and I own every season on DVD, I still watch them. And sometimes TiVo records them and I watch them again. I have a problem. But it's OK, I've learned to live with it.

oh, I fell over! oh, I fell over AGAIN!

When it rains, this giant puddle forms right in front of our steps. Heidi and I call it Lake That's What She Said but I can't really remember why. It's pretty deep and long and always gets everyone wet and OK, now I remember why we named it Lake That's What She Said, so never mind.

This morning, as a result of all the melting snow, Lake That's What She Said was deeper than normal. I was also afraid it was frozen, so I tiptoed around it. Once I'd passed the treacherous lake, I assumed I was OK and started walking normally, but you know how they say when you assume it makes an ass out of you and me? Well, sometimes it makes you fall flat on your ass. Because, see, you assumed the wet sidewalk was just wet, but really it was icier than . . . an ice skating rink. For real. I fell down and hurt my butt and also scraped my hand on some ice or something in the snow pile I fell into, and now I have a bruise on my butt and a cut on my hand. You'd think I'd be used to falling down since I do it so often, but you'd be wrong. I got to work and wanted everyone to know that WAAAAAAAH I fell down and HURT MYSELF! FEEL SORRY FOR ME OR YOU WILL PAY!

It's quite possible that I fell over because I was still thinking about the dream I had last night. It was so scary. See, I was at this grocery store and so many people were there and I soon found out it was because there were zombies! Outside! The store! And so I ran to the produce aisle (the fuck?) because . . . I was going to trick the zombies into thinking the heads of lettuce were brains? I don't know. What I DO know is, I was soon trapped in a grocery store (HELL) with all of these people I didn't know, and also Katherine Heigl. Eventually, I got up to go to the bathroom and even in my dream, I knew I wasn't going because I had to pee or anything, but because all the people in the store were bugging the crap out of me with their, "oh no, zombies might eat my brains!" as if they were the only ones worried about their brains being eaten. Even in times of zombie-crisis, people are still self-centered assholes. So, anyway, while I was in the bathroom, this really tall, fat lady with short red hair was in there with me and she was all, "I'm about to turn into a zombie!" and I said, "oh HELL to the NO," and ran out of the bathroom! But she chased me! And then she tackled me and started trying to bite me and I was like, "What the hell is wrong with you? You haven't even turned into a zombie yet, why are you biting me?" but then she DID turn into a zombie and everyone else was just standing around staring at me until finally I yelled, "HEY FUCKERS, HOW ABOUT YOU GET THIS HUGE ZOMBIE OFF OF ME!" so they did. And they threw her outside.

It was at this time that I decided I'd had enough of the grocery store and its annoying inhabitants, so I gathered a posse of people who apparently didn't annoy me and we devised a plan to run to my car and get the hell out of Zombie Town. Said plan consisted of . . . going out the front door and running to my car. BUT, once we got outside, as is so often the case, I couldn't remember where I'd parked. FINALLY, we found my car, but there wasn't enough room for Katherine Heigl so she got eaten by zombies. I wasn't too upset, though, because it was just Katherine Heigl. Cristina Yang I would have been upset about, but Izzie Stevens? Please. Even if there had been room in my car, I probably would have pushed her out anyway.

girl, I must warn you

I have had a version of the following conversation with no fewer than four coworkers:

Me: Hi, how are you?

CW: Fine, you?

Me: Fine. Did you have a good weekend?

CW: Not really, with being snowed in and all. How was yours?

Me: Oh, great! I went to Springfield on Saturday.

CW: . . .

Me: Don't worry, we took my friend's SUV.

CW: . . .

Me: I wouldn't have gone, but it was important.

CW: . . .

Me: I had to get to a bachelorette party.

CW: You're crazy. How were the roads?

Me: Oh, they were terrible!

CW: Yeah?

Me: Awful, and the visibility was not good.

CW: Well, I'm glad you're alive.

Me: Me too.

I don't always make smart decisions, that doesn't necessarily make them BAD decisions. I'd travel a lot farther than Springfield in a KILLER BLIZZARD for something that's that important to one of my best friends. Even though there were far fewer of us than there were supposed to be, those of us that could make it (including Heidi, once we rescued her in Nancy's aunt's monster truck Sequoia) made absolutely sure Nancy had the best time she possibly could, given the circumstances. And INDEED a good time was had by all. We even ventured out of the house Saturday night and a good thing, too, because we were ready to be as obnoxious as possible. And obnoxious we were, even ending up at our old college bar and commandeering the dance floor. Seeing as how there were maybe 20 people in the entire bar, the DJ was graciously accepting requests, which is how Heidi and I ended up on the dance floor, all by ourselves, doing the running man to Bel Biv Devoe. I think Turk would be proud.

my snow. let me show you it.

the shiny guy always worries

HAPPY SATURDAY! I will now show you a video that is awesome. I forget who told me about it, but whoever it was, thank you. If I'm ever forced to have a baby, I hope it turns out like this kid:

BLIZZARD! And not the good kind that you can eat. You know, from Dairy Queen? Those are delicious.

Right now? We're supposed to be on our way to Lake Erie. Then this happened. Which is why I am sitting here in my pajamas praying to the sweet baby Jesus that Mary makes it here from Chicago in one piece.

Not to worry, though. The roads should be better by the time Mary reaches Dayton and anyway, she's Mary. She's kind of a big deal. Snow will just melt as she drives by and it will be awesome.

Another location has been chosen for tomorrow, easier for all to reach safely, and while the setting may have changed, the guests remain the same. And really, isn't that all that matters? The bridal shower and bachelorette party MUST GO ON. Especially the bachelorette party. Because we've got like three dozen penis cookies that aren't going to eat themselves.