oh, I fell over! oh, I fell over AGAIN!

When it rains, this giant puddle forms right in front of our steps. Heidi and I call it Lake That's What She Said but I can't really remember why. It's pretty deep and long and always gets everyone wet and OK, now I remember why we named it Lake That's What She Said, so never mind.

This morning, as a result of all the melting snow, Lake That's What She Said was deeper than normal. I was also afraid it was frozen, so I tiptoed around it. Once I'd passed the treacherous lake, I assumed I was OK and started walking normally, but you know how they say when you assume it makes an ass out of you and me? Well, sometimes it makes you fall flat on your ass. Because, see, you assumed the wet sidewalk was just wet, but really it was icier than . . . an ice skating rink. For real. I fell down and hurt my butt and also scraped my hand on some ice or something in the snow pile I fell into, and now I have a bruise on my butt and a cut on my hand. You'd think I'd be used to falling down since I do it so often, but you'd be wrong. I got to work and wanted everyone to know that WAAAAAAAH I fell down and HURT MYSELF! FEEL SORRY FOR ME OR YOU WILL PAY!

It's quite possible that I fell over because I was still thinking about the dream I had last night. It was so scary. See, I was at this grocery store and so many people were there and I soon found out it was because there were zombies! Outside! The store! And so I ran to the produce aisle (the fuck?) because . . . I was going to trick the zombies into thinking the heads of lettuce were brains? I don't know. What I DO know is, I was soon trapped in a grocery store (HELL) with all of these people I didn't know, and also Katherine Heigl. Eventually, I got up to go to the bathroom and even in my dream, I knew I wasn't going because I had to pee or anything, but because all the people in the store were bugging the crap out of me with their, "oh no, zombies might eat my brains!" as if they were the only ones worried about their brains being eaten. Even in times of zombie-crisis, people are still self-centered assholes. So, anyway, while I was in the bathroom, this really tall, fat lady with short red hair was in there with me and she was all, "I'm about to turn into a zombie!" and I said, "oh HELL to the NO," and ran out of the bathroom! But she chased me! And then she tackled me and started trying to bite me and I was like, "What the hell is wrong with you? You haven't even turned into a zombie yet, why are you biting me?" but then she DID turn into a zombie and everyone else was just standing around staring at me until finally I yelled, "HEY FUCKERS, HOW ABOUT YOU GET THIS HUGE ZOMBIE OFF OF ME!" so they did. And they threw her outside.

It was at this time that I decided I'd had enough of the grocery store and its annoying inhabitants, so I gathered a posse of people who apparently didn't annoy me and we devised a plan to run to my car and get the hell out of Zombie Town. Said plan consisted of . . . going out the front door and running to my car. BUT, once we got outside, as is so often the case, I couldn't remember where I'd parked. FINALLY, we found my car, but there wasn't enough room for Katherine Heigl so she got eaten by zombies. I wasn't too upset, though, because it was just Katherine Heigl. Cristina Yang I would have been upset about, but Izzie Stevens? Please. Even if there had been room in my car, I probably would have pushed her out anyway.

I am, I am, I am Superman. And I can do anything.

This morning on the radio, the DJ was talking about how a lot more people are going green when they die. Not like, turning green, which I imagine sometimes happens, but being all environmentally conscious when they choose their final resting place. Apparently this means instead of a cement thingie, you get something else (I was not using 100% of my paying attention skills, in case you can't tell) and instead of using formaldehyde, you use dry ice. And probably some other stuff, too. And the DJ was like, "I think this is excessive," and started talking about how he buys the fancy lightbulbs that are good for the environment and rides his bike or rollerblades or a hoverboard or something, but he thinks going green when you die is dumb because there are already a lot of dead people buried and he doesn't understand how NOT going green when you die affects the environment. And even though I don't really understand the particulars, I was all, "What the crap, DJ? If you don't know what you're talking about then shut UP because you are on the radio and, I don't know if you know this, but a lot of people can hear you." At least when I babble on and on about stuff I don't really know anything about, my audience is a lot smaller.

And anyway. I think everyone should be cremated, if only so they can't one day rise from the grave and start The Zombie Apocalypse. And I think we all know that, providing there's not a rage-monkey outbreak, that's how it's all going down.

_____

Today on The Collective, PROCRASTINATORS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

and Wednesday, too

I had trouble sleeping last night on account of the wind was blowing so hard I was sort of afraid I'd wake up in Oz. Like, the Oz with all the munchkins, not the Oz where ass-rapes happen. Although, maybe ass-raping is one of munchkin-Oz's dirty little secrets. It's not that I'd mind going to Oz. I think the Scarecrow and I would be BFF. Not the Cowardly Lion, though. I'd slap that whiny bitch right in the face.

Seriously, it was way windy. So windy, in fact, that I switched the channel from a rerun of Sex & the City to the news to make sure a tornado wasn't on top of the city at the moment. It wasn't. Apparently, though, it was windy enough to cause Heidi to freak out a tiny bit about what would happen if there was a tornado. Because, you see, our bedrooms are on the second floor and there IS no third floor so if the roof got blown off we'd be so dead. We talked about it today, and it turned out we were thinking the same thing about what to do if there WAS a tornado, providing she actually WOKE UP for it because I bet you anything she'd sleep right through it. Lucky bitch. Anyway, I told her not to worry, because sometimes when I'm bored (read: at work), I make up disaster plans for all sorts of things, such as fire or flash flood or Godzilla. These plans can include anything from making a torch out of a floor lamp, a pillowcase, and lighter fluid (zombie attack) to parachuting off of the balcony with bedsheets (fire that blocks the front door) to turning the fridge door into a raft (flood, duh).

I'm either the very best or very worst person to have with you when disaster strikes. Best, because I have all these plans already so you don't have to think and ALSO I don't panic very easily. Worst, because . . . I don't panic very easily AND have a very strong sense of denial, so if a T-Rex was attacking the neighborhood and his giant eye peeked in the window, I'd probably be all, "just ignore it, it'll go away eventually."

Or I'd throw Gerard at it.

tuesday's grey

Is it seriously only Tuesday? Really? I refuse to believe it. I am now declaring it Friday. YOU'RE WELCOME. While I'm at it, it's also 5 o'clock, so if you're reading this at work (tsk tsk), you can go home. YOU'RE WELCOME. Did I tell you guys I got attacked by zombies on Sunday? No? Well. Let me fill you in. I was just walking around the pond by our apartment, reveling in the unusually warm, spring-like weather, when SUDDENLY something jumped out of the pond like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, only it wasn't a creature! Well, it was, sort of. But not really! It was a zombie! And it came at me all, "braaaaaaaains, uuuuuuuugh BRRRAAAAAAAINS," so of course, I freaked out and tried to run away. But I tripped over a goose! His name was Gerard. And he was all, "Jennie, wtf is that thing?" and at first I was like, "um, dude, you're talking," and he was like, "duh, my name is Gerard and I come from this planet where geese can talk . . . only on my planet we're not called geese, we're called Zmdleuds." It was weird. Almost as weird as a zombie coming out of the water in broad daylight, but not quite. I asked Gerard if Howard the Duck was from his planet and he got all offended! He said, "please, Jennie, this is reality, not some silly movie you saw when you were 7." And I said, "WHATEVER, Gerard, do you see that thing coming at us? Tell me THAT'S reality!" And he was all, "Touche, Jennie. Touche."

So anyway, the zombie. Luckily, he was one of those slow-moving zombies from the days of yore, not one of the new ones who are so fast that they've ripped your throat out before you even realize anything is wrong. He was so slow that he'd barely clambered out of the pond by the time Gerard and I had finished our discussion. I looked around and realized I didn't have anything to fend off a zombie attack. No flame thrower, no Winchester, not even a big, pointy stick! I thought about just running back to the apartment, but I don't think Heidi would have been happy if I'd led a zombie to our front door. I mean, she's OK with most of my guests, but most of my guests don't try to eat her face.

So. I did what I had to do. I picked Gerard up, swung him around my head a few times, and threw him straight at the zombie. It didn't hurt the zombie or anything, but it gave me time to run back to my apartment while the zombie was looking for Gerard's brains. Don't worry about Gerard! He was fine. Zmdleuds don't have brains so the zombie eventually lost interest and fell back in the pond.

things I worry about when I'm running out of things to worry about

What if zombies attacked and I couldn't drive away because I was so drunk I couldn't see straight? Or what if I didn't hear them break into the apartment because I was PTFO*?

I may need to stop drinking. Especially since last night we discussed it and we have no good weapons in the apartment to use against zombies. So I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be able to use my car as a weapon.

*passed the fuck out

who ya gonna call?

You guys already know that I'm borderline (?) crazy, so I'm not afraid to tell you this. Aside from spending the majority of my time daydreaming and making up different scenarios, I am also prone to moments where my imagination just runs completely wild. Usually, I am home alone when this happens. Which is good because no one actually SEES me acting like a crazy person, but then I go and tell everyone the stupid shit I do so it's not like it would matter if they saw it with their own eyes or not. Whatever. I'M NOT PROUD. Or prejudiced. Heh.

Anyway. Heidi was gone all weekend and has been working late every night this week, so I have been home by myself a lot. Friday and Saturday night, I was so exhausted that I immediately fell to sleep, but I can never sleep on Sunday night and it was made even worse because I was home all alone and every time I closed my eyes, I imagined a dark figure slinking into my room, standing over my bed, and slowly raising an axe over my poor, sleeping, oblivious body. You know, I blame Heidi for this. When I lived alone, I never really freaked out about stuff like that, even though there was that one time someone tried to get into my apartment at 4 AM. But now? I can't even be home alone in the DAYTIME without having a mini-freakout.

Last night after work, I was sitting at my computer. I had some music on, but not very loud. That's when I heard it! A rustling noise coming from the bathroom! I knew it wasn't Murray (formerly Phoebe) because she was lying next to my feet. Until the rustling noise! When we heard the rustling noise (!) both of our heads shot toward the bathroom. She stood up and crept slowly to the bathroom door and then ran far, far away to hide. I stood up as quietly as I could and stared at the shower curtain for a couple minutes, trying to make out the shadow of the psychotic killer (or WORSE, a zombie!!!!) I KNEW was hiding in the bathtub. I prepared to open the shower curtain, but first I put on some flip flops and grabbed my cell phone in case I had to run outside from the zombie serial killer. I couldn't bring myself to open the shower curtain with my own hand, though, because then I'd be too close in case a knife or an axe or dirty zombie teeth came swinging down. So I went to the laundry room and grabbed the broom. I stood in the doorway of the bathroom and slooooowly brought the broom handle closer and closer to the shower curtain . . . finally it reached its destination, I ripped the shower curtain open and . . .

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

OK, just kidding, there was nothing there. BUT THERE COULD HAVE BEEN. And I was totally prepared to fight for my life, you know, with the broom and my flip flops.

I don't know. There was definitely a noise coming from the bathroom and it sounded like something brushing up against the shower curtain. I heard it. Murray heard it. I don't suffer from hallucinations (that I know of). There's only one logical explanation. My bathroom is haunted.

important reading

This guy knows what he's talking about. See also: this.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Sometimes when I'm bored, I run different scenarios in my head. These scenarios can vary from who I might run into on the way to the vending machine at work to what might happen if terrorists or ninjas or pirates stormed the building and I happened to be in the copy room. If I was in the copy room, the chances are great that I could sneak out the window and run down the street OR I could ask myself, "what would Chuck Norris do?" and the answer to that is KICK ASS. True story? Right there I almost wrote "kiss ass" instead of "kick ass." Not sure what that means. Anyway. The scenarios are hardly ever about something that might possibly happen, but they keep me entertained. Kind of like I'm watching a movie in my head, starring me and sometimes people I know and often Jake Gyllenhaal.

Yesterday, my dad was telling me how he'd seen something on TV about a zombie convention in New York where people dress up as zombies (OK?) and we decided if I'd been there I probably would have run away screaming about how I'd TOLD everyone the zombies would one day attack and I'd probably end up getting arrested for starting a riot or stabbing a faux-zombie in the head with an ice pick or something. I'm not sure why I have an ice pick in this scenario. Sometimes things show up in scenarios that you're not expecting and you just have to go with it.

Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station, where I send my thoughts to far-off destinations

I don't know why, but it seems that lately I have lost the ability to just sit around and do nothing. I mean, I am still perfectly capable of staring wistfully into space while listening to sad music. And daydreaming, I'm all over that. It would take a lot for me to lose that ability. Also, I can still easily lose hours to The Internets or a good book. But I find it difficult to watch even a half-hour of television without wanting to jump up and do something else. I'm not complaining. There are worse things in life than being distracted from a TV show. This may sound crazy, but I think I could easily become one of those people who doesn't even own a television (but what's all your furniture pointed at?) and I know right now you are shaking your head all, "Jennie, Jennie, Jennie, you are talking nonsense," but it's TRUE. Right now the only show I really care about seeing is The Office. The rest I could take or leave and if I'm honest with myself, I know that the world would not end if I stopped watching The Office.

Right now, I bet you're wondering who kidnapped the real Jennie and replaced her with this IMPOSTOR! But I say to you, BEHOLD, this IS the real Jennie. FEAST YOUR EYES AND TREMBLE IN FEAR. Anyway. Whatever.

Yesterday, after I got my hair cut and went to the bookstore and lost some time in Target, I came home and tried to sit around but that didn't work, so I changed into some old clothes and went to the nature reserve. I thought about going to Cox (heh) but that seemed like kind of a long drive just to walk around. I was going to wander around the pond by our apartment but then I remembered that Narrows Nature Reserve was just up the road. If you have been reading this blog for almost as long as I've had it (unlikely), you may remember the summer we kept catching chipmunks (and other various animals) and setting them free. Well, this nature reserve is where we took them. When I got there, I half expected a gang of angry chipmunks to come charging at me and carry me away to their secret, underground chipmunk lair. But they didn't. I was kind of disappointed because COME ON! Tiny underground chipmunk lair! If I managed to snap a couple pictures with my phone, I could be famous! Anyway, my dad made a comment yesterday that he's going to set rat traps for the chipmunks this year and I am saying to you right now, Dad, that if you set the humane traps I will personally drive each and every chipmunk you catch to the nature reserve. Please don't kill the chipmunks! I love them! I love them so much! Tell me about the rabbits, George!

Um, right, so I went to the nature reserve. As much as I try to be at one with nature (or whatever), I just don't think I'm very good at it. First of all, I'm far too clumsy. I cannot tell you how many tree roots I almost tripped over and I also almost fell in the river because I was climbing around on this tree branch that was hanging over the water. As I was doing it, I kept thinking, "Oh, Jennie, this is going to end badly. You are going to fall. How about you put your car keys down on the ground before you drop them into the water? Huh? Maybe you want to get down now, OK? Please?" but I didn't fall in the water, only almost. Almost doesn't count. ALSO, I am far too noisy for nature, because every time a bug dive bombed my face, I would exclaim, "FUCK!" or something equally intelligent but for serious, you guys, this one bug was following me, I swear. I never got a good look at it, but it was very buzzy so I fear it might have been a bee. You know how I feel about bees, right? Well, here is how I feel about bees. Only two things in the world scare the bejesus out of me, and that is bees and bats. Also, zombies, but I'm not sure that counts because they are not real (yet).

At one point, I was whistling (told you I was too noisy) down the path and spotted something very red on the ground and when I explored further, I saw that the bright, bright red was attached to a dead woodpecker. I've never seen a woodpecker that close before. I started to get kind of sad, but then the buzzy bug came back and I ran down the path, tripping over nothing but my own feet and almost face-planting on the way.

Oh, no. I did that for someone once. I'm not comfortable having that kind of power and control over someone's life.

In case anyone was worried or wondering or doesn't really care but is mildly interested because it's Saturday morning/afternoon and really you're just killing time until you go to the bar? I found a gift for the gift exchange yesterday. Actually, Heidi told me to get it because I couldn't find anything I wanted for under $20 and I really, really didn't want to go to another store. It reminded me of a couple of months ago when I told Heidi and Mary they were in charge of all of my decisions. Really. Like that Friends episode. You know the one. Anyway, it was nice not to make decisions but then I realized it wasn't always necessarily producing the outcome I wanted. Actually, it really only lasted for a couple of decisions and then we completely forgot about it. Truth.

How sad is this? Last night, around midnight my parents stopped by on their way home from dinner and drinks. I was in my pajamas watching TiVo. On a Friday night. I don't care. Judge me all you want, my pajamas are way comfortable. Anyway, while they were here my dad fixed the chair that has been semi-erect for the past couple of months. My dad can MacGyver anything. Truth.

I am drinking coffee out of a Santa Claus coffee mug and I'm wondering where the hell it came from. I think it's mine. All the other coffee mugs were dirty and really it's a bit late in the morning to be drinking coffee but I don't care cause it's delicious. Want to know what else is delicious? Christmas cookies for breakfast. Truth.

Earlier this morning, my cell phone rang and a weird number came up. So I didn't answer it. I looked up the area code and it was somewhere in Texas. I don't know anyone in Texas. I was glad they called, though, because I was having a nightmare about this place where people could take books to get completely erased? And every time a book was erased the author of the book died. Because I have nightmares about books. Also zombies. ANYWAY. You know, I have this really bad habit of not answering my cell phone. Sometimes I worry that I'm missing an important call from like, someone from the future telling me how to stop the world from horribly exploding and thus preventing, you know, all the death and whatnot and then I realize I need to stop watching so much TV. Truth.

i'll sleep when i'm dead

I think my body is trying to see how little sleep I can function on before I a) crumple into a delicious, delicious nap on my desk, b) kill a patient with my BARE HANDS, c) hallucinate that I am being attacked by zombies, accidentally killing a patient and then crumpling into a delicious, delicious nap on my desk. I'm leaning toward c.