toe pick!

So ABC Family has been running the shit out of all The Cutting Edge movies, so this weekend I watched the first one.

Confession: I did not watch The Cutting Edge on ABC Family, I popped it in the VCR (yeah, that's right) after I watched We Are Marshall and bawled my way through an entire box of tissues. WTF, movie, why do you want me to kill myself?

Anyway, so I don't know how I always forget how absolutely TERRIBLE this movie is, maybe because, I don't know, it's one of the most amazingly awful movies ever made that is ALSO one of my favorite movies, like, EVER. I don't know how old I was when I first saw it, but considering I own it on VHS, I couldn't have been that old. I'm not ashamed to tell you that I've seen it so many times I can recite most of the lines along with the movie, because I feel that's a talent and my parents told me never to be ashamed of my talents, useless as they may be. This movie is awesome, is what I'm saying.

But I have to call shenanigans on something. No, it's not the fact that Doug (Dooglas) Dorsey is a phenomenal figure skater even though, previously, he was a hockey player. And it's not that Kate and Dooglas win the Olympics with this super crazy (possibly illegal?) move that we never really even get to see and then they make out on the middle of the ice and everyone is all, "aww, that's nice, gold medals all around!" No. It's that scene after they find out they're going to the Olympics. And they go to that bar? You know? And Kate Mosley doesn't drink, oh no, not even a drop of champagne on New Years Eve, so of course, on this night, Dooglas starts her off with . . . tequila. TEQUILA. IS HE CRAZY?! I mean, he has to know she's going to be bombed off her ass after, at most, two shots and then she does like a billion of them. It's true. I counted. Plus, she only weighs 90 pounds and she's NEVER HAD A DRINK BEFORE. I consider my liver pretty seasoned and I still know that if I have only ONE shot of tequila, the night is most definitely going from pretty low key straight into one of those stories I will tell over and over and over and they all begin, "so this one night I was drinking tequila and . . ." Because inevitably I either end up tying balloon animals to firecrackers or locked in a closet while everyone else is asleep. True story and, oh, TRUE STORY.

As a child, when I watched this movie, I knew the shots of whatever they were doing = slutty behavior and big, black sunglasses the next morning. But I didn't know why. Hell, I used to lick salt off my wrist and shoot Sprite or whatever just to amuse my sister. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. Now that I think about it, maybe I can trace my love of alcohol back to that movie. Ah, The Cutting Edge. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Help me, Internets, you're my only hope! (I have so used a variation of this title at least 14 times . . . lazy)

You guys know how I procrastinate, right? If not . . . hi, I'm Jennie. I procrastinate. I also harbor an unhealthy crush on this man and drink and fall down quite a bit. Oh, and I say inappropriate things in public, like "ovaries" and "butt sex." It's true. Ask Heidi. Anyway, nice to meet you.

Tomorrow my friends and I are exchanging gifts. Secret Santa, White Elephant, call it what you will. I will be calling it YANKEE SWAP until everyone gets so annoyed with me that they lock me outside on the porch. Whatever. I can still yell it through the window. I'm loud. Ask anyone.

So, I still haven't gotten a gift for the gift exchange. I don't know if you remember, but I asked for your advice, Internets, and you totally let me down. OK, I know it's not fair for me to blame my gift-buying ineptitude on you. I'm sorry. But seriously, throw me a bone here. I have an idea of something to get, but I don't know if I can find it for under $20. By tomorrow. Shit. So, PLEASE, Internets, give me some suggestions. Otherwise, someone tomorrow is going to open their present to find a bottle of tequila, a lemon, and a salt shaker.

Actually, I'd be pretty psyched to get that gift. Hmm.