nothing to see here

Today on The Collective, I use the Internets to scar my parents (some more).

Whatever. This is worth it:

don't steal my idea or I'll cut you

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Jennie. Jennie took a writing class in high school and the teacher was all, "write a children's book," and Jennie was like, "I can do this, I work at a library and spend the majority of my time there reading picture books," and then the teacher was like, "also, illustrate it," and Jennie was all, "fuck!" and then, "I will make the pictures out of construction paper!" And then a bunch of years passed and Abigail told Jennie to find this book. So Jennie found this book. (Abigail is bossy, but she gets results.)

I have provided the words under each picture in case you can't make them out. I'd hate for you to miss them. My comments are at the very end.

1.

A long time ago, before humans were in charge, colors ruled the earth. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet. They were all very powerful, but each Color thought he was more powerful than the others were.

2.

"I am the best," said Blue. "I am the ocean and the sky. I am the calm that is carried on the gentle breeze. That is why I am the best."

3.

"How boring!" Red cried. "I am Christmas and the smell of cinnamon. I am welcome anger that comes like a quick storm."

4.

"That's nothing," Violet said. "I am the slurpy taste of grape juice on a hot day. I am the best, because I am the sharing that comes after the anger."

5.

"You are all wrong," Indigo chimed in. "I am the best. I am the first flower that appears when the winter snow melts. I am clarity that spreads after a season of confusion."

6.

"Well, I am spring!" shouted Green. "I am a frog that takes shape out of a floating lily pad and the miles upon miles of grass covered fields. So I am the best."

7.

"I am definitely better than all of you," Orange said. "I am the sunrise and a Halloween pumpkin. I am autumn, so I am the best."

8.

"Ha!" Yellow cried. "I am the sun and the moon and the stars. I am happiness. None of you can beat that! I am the greatest."

9.

"Excuse me, please," a gentle voice said from the sky. "I am trying to sleep. Please try to be a little quieter."

"Why should we?" Red shouted. "We are Colors! We don't HAVE to be quiet! Who do you think you are, anyway?"

10.

"Well," the voice began. "I am Cloud. I have always been here and will always be here. You may think you are the greatest, just because you are a Color, but I am the only one who can bring all of you together."

11.

With that said, Cloud turned black and fierce. White lightning made up her hair and she began to weep. Her tears covered the earth until everything sparkled.

12.

Cloud finished crying and became white again. The Colors shot out of her middle, all working together to create a rainbow. Puddles of her tears on the ground turned red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet.

THE END.

Wow. Just . . . wow. I'm pretty sure, at the time, I thought I was being really deep, which . . . no. The Colors are all assholes and why is the Cloud all up in their business? Also, Indigo is full of shit. That sure looks like pink to me. But what I think happened is THEY DON'T MAKE INDIGO CONSTRUCTION PAPER AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT UNTIL AFTER I WROTE THE STORY AND CUT OUT HALF OF THE PICTURES AND BY THEN IT WAS TOO LATE BLAAAAAAARGH.

And no one threw a knife at anyone? LAME.

_____

Today on The Collective, Kat outs herself as a bit of a stalker.

maybe I'm unbreakable, just like Bruce Willis

Because I (wanna) quit the gym (!), I decided I need to start running again. Outside. In the elements. Luckily, the weather this week is supposed to be freakishly warm. Well, not freakishly warm as in it's going to be 800,000 degrees because CLEARLY if it was that hot, I wouldn't be sitting here typing. I might be incredibly awesome, but I'm not immortal. That I know of. I've never really tested it, other than consistently trying to drink all the alcohol in a three mile radius. I guess I COULD be immortal. I mean, I'm still here despite all the times I've fallen over and hit my head on stuff. Oh my god, you guys, what if I AM immortal? That would be amazing. Except that I'm totally wasting it. Oh well.

I almost talked myself out of going running because it looked like it might rain. Other excuses I have used to not go running: it's too cold, it's too hot, it's too sunny, it's too windy, my toe kind of hurts, I don't feel like putting on a sports bra, I can't find my shoes, it's too dark and I don't want to get assraped, there's an America's Next Top Model marathon on TV and Tyra isn't going to watch herself. Except she totally would because she's an attention whore. Anyway, irrelevant. What IS relevant is that it wasn't raining when I got home from work. It was somewhat cloudy and MSN told me that it was supposed to rain. I know because it had a little picture of a cloud with rain drops coming out. That either means rain or the cloud is crying and why would the cloud be crying? Maybe because he embarrassed himself in front of his cloud friends, I guess. In which case, he should stop crying because they're going to make fun of him even MORE if he keeps up the pussy baby whining. Did I ever tell you guys about the children's book I wrote in high school? WELL. We had to write and illustrate a children's book and so I wrote this story about how all the colors in the world were arguing with each other. Red was all, "I'm the best!" and then green was like, "uh-uh, untrue!" and yellow was all, "try having sunlight without ME, suckers!" and then this cloud came out and was like, "you kids be quiet, I'm trying to sleep!" and then she got angry and started shooting lightning and pissing rain on everything. THEN all the colors made a rainbow. Barf. I'm pretty sure I have this "book" at the apartment somewhere. That would be phenomenal. I think it might be even worse than The Evil Summer. Oh wait, that would be impossible.

_____

Today on The Collective, Abigail loves a LOT of people.

I wanna quit the gym!

And so I'm going to. It was a fun experiment. Well, not fun, really, but interesting. OK, not even really interesting. Heidi and I joined the gym last year because we got a really good deal, but I was in better shape when we were training for the Turkey Trot and just going running a couple times a week (outside in the fresh air, not in the gym that sometimes smells like stinky feet and BO and bean farts) than I was when I was going the gym almost every day. Also, the Cardio Cinema seemed like such an amazing concept when we first joined, but most of the time they're showing a movie I hate. Or a movie that makes me want to kill myself. Or a Dane Cook movie, which I hate AND makes me want to kill myself. I realize that part of this is my own fault, because I tend to not like a lot of movies but WHY do they insist on showing Rush Hour 3? Why? And it pisses me off that sometimes they'll play the same movie a few days in a row. This is sort of OK if it's a good movie (see: Tommy Boy) but I find it unnecessary and annoying when it's a shitty movie (see: A Cinderella Story.)

I like the classes they offer, but I don't like GOING to classes. I don't like scheduling workout time. I like to work out when I feel like it (or when I finally guilt myself into doing it) but for some reason the gym refuses to employ a class method where I can just call ahead and tell them to get a class ready because I'm going to be there in five minutes. I don't know why they won't do this for me. They are so unreasonable and I guess they don't understand that I don't like being on a schedule. It's bad enough that I'm told when to be at work and when I can leave blah blah blah YOU GET ONE HOUR FOR LUNCH, so I don't want the gym telling me my business, too.

ALSO (and this is the big one, which is why it's all caps locky), half of the machines in that place are pieces of shit. I don't want to ride on an elliptical that shakes around and makes horrible noises on every rotation because I'm afraid it's going to fall apart and I'll either die or it'll be really embarrassing. I'm not sure which is worse.

___

Today on The Collective, Heather totally cheats on her freebie list.

this is so boring, don't even bother reading it

Last night, my band and I went on a world tour. The band's name is Donkey? That's not a question. Donkey? is the name. The question mark is very important. It's a pretty diverse band. All of us take turns singing and rotating instruments. I suck at the drums, though. Like, wow, I'm just awful.

Yeah, anyway, so we played Rock Band last night for five hours. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my life. Or wanted to be in a band more. I know I can't play any real instruments, but I have a guitar so I'm pretty much halfway to being in my own band. Who wants to join? I get to be in charge. Also, I'm bossy. We're only going to play songs I like, but I promise they're good songs.

So apparently the Super Bowl is on today. Whoo. Hoo. To be honest, I'm more excited about the Puppy Bowl, but who wouldn't be? Puppies! That'd be a good name for a band, too. Can you imagine if Puppies! and Donkey? went on tour together? I'd go see that concert. Exclamation point.

Bill Murray, you're my hero

He speaks how I feel:



And also THIS, which is irrelevant (for GROUNDHOG DAY, anyway), but still funny:



Yeah. I'm just posting Youtube clips today. I have to go to work, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

(PS: I have no idea if these clips work because I can't watch Youtube at the office because my life sucks. The end.)

If you are attempting to compliment me, then you have done a very good job.

I just saw the funniest preview for a Lifetime movie. It's called Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant. It's about a lady who was raped by her dentist, I guess? When she's all hopped up on laughing gas or something? Well. Probably not laughing gas. You know what I mean. And it's not enough that she gets raped by her dentist, but she also gets KNOCKED UP. Unfair. I think I'd be more upset about being pregnant than the rape thing. WOW, OK, I realize that's not particularly funny AT ALL, in fact, it's downright inappropriate for me to be cackling like a drunk clown (omg wtf?) but if you'd seen the preview you'd know why it was funny. I guess this is what you get for being wherever you are instead of in my apartment.

You may be asking yourself, "why is Jennie watching Lifetime?" Well, the answer is because, for some reason, Lifetime Movie Network is showing Conspiracy Theory right now.

You may be asking yourself, "why is Jennie watching a mediocre Mel Gibson movie on a Friday night?" Well, the answer is because, for some reason, I have to go into work tomorrow. And possibly Sunday, which may RUIN my plans to go to Lampl's Saturday night and drink and play Rock Band and if that happens, something is getting set on fire, that's for sure.

You may be asking yourself, "I wonder what Jennie is going to set on fire?" Well, the answer is . . . hey . . . I can't tell you. You wanna know why? Because you might go to the cops. Narc.