Deep Thoughts (not really)

So, it's that time of year where you're supposed to think about what an awful person you've been all year, and what you're going to do in the coming year to change that. I do this every year, I think. It's usually the same things: write more, eat healthier, drink less, be nicer to people, stop procrastinating, blah blah blah, and then I forget about them as soon as they're posted. So, instead of making resolutions, I'm just going to answer these questions. I did it last year. You should do it, too, so I have something to read later.

Real post to come...later...if I feel like it...so probably not. Anyway:

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?

Tried to blog for 365 days straight. Then I quit my blog.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

This is as close as I came to making resolutions last year. I did not get married or pregnant, so score!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My favorite RA from college had a baby! So did my 17-year-old cousin. Oops.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Poor Bo.

5. What countries did you visit?

America?

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

A baby penguin.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

November 4th AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I didn't fall down as much.

9. What was your biggest failure?

DOWNER.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Lots. I said I didn't fall down as much, but I didn't say I didn't fall down at ALL.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A laptop.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mine. What? I don't know.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

THIS GUY.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Target and Threadless.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

See question 7.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

I'm sure there IS one, but I can't think of it right now. So instead of thinking any longer (my head hurts), I'm going to stop and move on.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder? Happier
ii. Thinner or fatter? About the same, I think
iii. Richer or poorer? Richer, but not by much

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Writing. Reading.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Working.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Um, I already did this, douchebitch.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Duh.

22. How many one-night stands?

Um, none.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

The Office. Or Pushing Daisies.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. I try to hate sometimes, but it doesn't last long.

25. What was the best book you read?

Not Atonement, that's for damn sure.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Vampire Weekend, which I don't think counts, because Kat told me about them. But she always knows the good bands first.

27. What did you want and get?

An iPod. A new computer. A new phone. A new president.

28. What did you want and not get?

A new job.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

WALL-E!

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 26 and forgot to celebrate my birthday this year. Or I ran out of time. Either way, oops.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

T-shirts. And more t-shirts.

32. What kept you sane?

To Do lists.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Um, duh, Jim Halpert.

Question 34 was missing. Sorry. You can make up a question if you want and maybe I'll answer it.

35. Who did you miss?

You.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

This question is mean. I love all the new people I met this year.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Never throw anything out. You may need it for your blog one day. BONUS LESSON: don't crack open really old nuts.

Name That Penguin Contest

Good morning! Work is making me want to DIE DIE DIE, which is pretty standard these days, so I'm taking some time off from proper blogging. As of today, anyway. I could change my mind tomorrow. Anyway, in the meantime, I have a problem and I think -- no, I KNOW -- you guys can help. Tamara got me a penguin for Christmas. See:

And we don't like the name he came with (Freeze . . . PSHAW, whatever), so we think he needs a new one. I challenge you all to come up with a new name. One that doesn't suck. The winner gets . . . I don't know, the winner gets to pick what I write about for a week or something. And I'll also give you a real prize (one that doesn't suck).

Happy naming.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.

IT IS SO COLD OUTSIDE. My brain is frozen. You're probably all, "oh, poor Jennie is cold, somebody better call the WAAAAAAHmbulance," but you know what? Eff you. Because it's REALLY COLD OUTSIDE.

I did a lot of Christmas celebrating this weekend. Like. Almost all weekend. For realsies. Heidi and I went over to Tamara's Friday night for pizza and cookies and drinking and Love, Actually. Tamara didn't have a copy of Love, Actually and asked us to bring a copy (because we have two, naturally), and I was all, "haha, I will BUY Love, Actually and give it to Tamara as a Hanukkah present and we will pretend we forgot it and she will call us bitches and then open her present and we will laugh and laugh and laugh." That is essentially exactly the way it happened, only I'm not sure if she called us bitches. I don't really remember. Anyway, then we drank margaritas and killed an entire pizza and opened presents and watched Love, Actually and all was right with the world.

On Saturday, Joe and I went to my aunt's house to celebrate Christmas with my dad's side of the family. When we got there, the food was spread out all over the dining room AND the kitchen, and we concentrated on eating for a good hour. I ate approximately four hanky pankies (spicy sausage and cheese melted together and then baked on tiny pieces of bread OH MY GOD they are the food of the heavens). Then we opened presents and THEN we played Rock Band for so long that I thought for sure that my arm was going to fall off from playing the guitar for the longest song in the history of the world. After we turned the game over to the kids, we decided to play Scene It, only no one but Joe really remembered the rules and god love him, he really tried to explain them and then tried to get everyone to watch the How To tutorial on the game, but we are a rowdy bunch and keeping our attention for longer than about 30 seconds . . . um, doesn't work. This is a pretty good representation of what a Jennie's Family Christmas is like, and I wouldn't change it for all the naked Jake Gyllenhaals in the world:

The How To tutorial is playing and everyone watches for approximately .05 seconds, but then my dad farts and everyone rushes to cover their noses, and the dogs walk all over the game board and knock all the pieces over, and my uncle is yelling down the stairs for the kids to turn the volume down because Rock Band is drowning out all other sounds in the universe, and my other uncle is ignoring everyone because he's playing with the toy chainsaw my dad got him for Christmas, and suddenly the tutorial is over and someone asks how we play and my head explodes a little and then we finally start playing but my dad is TOTALLY CHEATING because he's all, "you can't play that buzz card and make us lose our turn because we already rolled," and "I think you move your piece AFTER you answer the question correctly," and then people are YELLING OUT THE ANSWER when it's not their turn (JOE), and no one believes me when I say Dustin Hoffman was in Wag the Dog, Papillion, and Dick Tracy even though they know I am the Rainman of movie trivia and then my uncle is saying that The Royal Tenenbaums is a terrible movie and I'm all, "didn't we get into this fight last time we played?" and yes. Yes, we did.

I want you to feel like you're gonna die

Those words are spoken by Jillian Michaels on Level 2 of her 30 Day Shred DVD and OH MY GOD, Jillian, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

I think you're supposed to do the video for 30 days straight, but at the pace I'm going, I'll have finished the 30 days in about six months. It's not my fault, though. Stuff keeps happening, like Rockville or the hospital or pizza and cookies, and then the video fucked up my knee so I had to stop for a while. I don't know why I decided to move to Level 2. I still want to die sometimes after Level 1, probably because I skip working out for weeks at a time, so every time I do it (heh, do it) it's essentially like I'm starting all over again.

This is what I did this morning, before guilting myself into the workout:

• drank a shitload of coffee
• watched Chuck vs. Tom Sawyer
• read some Internets
• decided to maybe go running
• checked Weather.com, saw it was only 26 degrees, decided not to go running
  
• played Guitar Hero
• thought, "I should work out...maybe I should eat one of those protein bars Heidi said are in the cupboard."
• couldn't find protein bars
• read some more Internets
• worked out
• died

I'm typing this from beyond the grave. Ooooooooooooooooooo!! I hope my family doesn't mind my zombiefication later at the Christmas celebration, but there will be lots of food and presents so I don't think they'll care much, unless I try to eat someone's brain.

this isn't your grandmother's Christmas party

WORST. DAY. EVER. Week is almost over and I will tell you how I know that. Um, well, it's almost time to leave work for THE WHOLE WEEKEND. I think most of my problems will magically melt away as soon as I step out of the building. I'm so sick of this place, you guys. It frustrates me so much that I'm not sure if I'm going to cry or call someone a douchebitch or punch someone in the face or all of the above.

Do you want to hear a Christmas miracle? Somehow, I am all done with my Christmas shopping. I banged it out last night (hahahahaha) at Target and then I wept with happiness. True story. Target is magical, so it was fitting that I'd finish my shopping there. Of course, I still have to wrap everything, but my plan on Christmas Eve is to wrap presents, drink, and watch The Sound of Music. I did the same thing last year, only I watched Harry Potter instead of The Sound of Music. What? I don't mock your Christmas traditions.

I have the most exciting plans tonight FOR REALSIES. Heidi and I are going to Tamara's to help make Hanukkah cookies, and there will also be pizza and wine and Love, Actually. Things just don't get much better than that. The only thing that could make it better would be if James McAvoy came in and did a sexy dance for us while we were baking. I'm not sure how much help I'll be with the actual baking, but I know I will be REALLY GOOD at taste-testing. Someone has to make sure the frosting isn't poisoned and I will volunteer to take one for the team.

Tomorrow, I'm celebrating Christmas with my dad's side of the family, and Joe, the brave soul, is going with me. I'm hoping we play Scene It again because if Joe and I are on the same team, we will totally win. No question. The other team will be lucky if they even get to answer any questions. Do you hear that family? We will own your asses. OK BYE MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WORST. DAY. EVER. Week

Earlier this week, Heather Anne proclaimed a state of emergency and by state of emergency I mean "WORST. DAY. EVER. Week." It's been a while since we've had one, and I think this week qualifies. I didn't want to believe it. I'm pretty good at denial, but things have stacked up and yep . . . it is now officially "WORST. DAY. EVER. Week." I understand this may not be affecting you all, but for those of you who have been affected . . . I'm sorry. But at least it's almost over, yes? Yes.

That's not to say it's been all bad. Sure, work has sucked donkey balls (two words: SOFTWARE CONVERSION) every day so far, but today I get to do detective work and fix things, and that's sort of fun BECAUSE I'M A NERD. And I had to go to the gyno on Monday, but that gave me something to blog about, and who doesn't love hooha talk? Also, there was a big, dumb ice storm on Tuesday (not like the movie, though, with the swingers and the itty, bitty Frodo and the tween sex), but it was practically melted by Wednesday morning. And my cell phone charger broke, meaning my phone was quickly dying, but then I realized it was time to UPGRADE and so UPGRADE I did. I think my new phone and I will be very happy together.

Oh yeah, my mom called me yesterday and told me they were taking my grandma to the hospital with what, to me, sounded like a stroke, but it turned out she was fine. And, you know, it gave me a chance to spend some quality time with my parents and some dude with a puke bucket in the ER waiting room.

Anyway, this week has been a bit of a disaster, but like I said, it's almost over. And I have nothing to do tonight but some Christmas shopping and TV watching, AND AWESOME TV WATCHING at that. Thank you, TiVo, for recording the Muppets. They can fix everything. And if, for some reason, they can't, then I'm sure those Christmas cookies my mom gave me will do the trick.

WARNING: there is disturbing hooha talk ahead. I mean it. Turn away now.

Thank you all for the kind words yesterday. I knew I could count on you guys.

Now, it's time to talk about the gyno. I know, how excited are you? So. I went to the gyno this morning, because what better way to start the week than by letting someone you don't know very well shove a cold piece of metal into your hooha and poke around with giant Q-tips. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. I think sometimes men wonder why women complain about going to the gyno and HERE IS WHY.

First, you walk in and they weigh you. I'm really OK with this. The part I have a problem with is that they then measure you and SOMEHOW I've shrunk a quarter of an inch from last time I was in. Or I was wearing thicker socks last time. Or I was standing up straighter. I don't know. But I do know that 26 is probably too young to start shrinking.

Then they take you to an exam room, where they point out the lovely frock you'll be wearing. The nurse is all, "make sure the gown is open in the back and put this white sheet over your lap." The white sheet is for privacy while the doctor gropes you. You'll see.

So you change into this gown, making sure to leave the opening in the back, and cover your business with the white sheet. You wait and wait and wait and, if you're like me, you're just getting to a good part in your book when the doctor walks in and is all, "How's life? How often do you do it? Have you ever been pregnant? When was the first day of your last cycle?" It's like an exam you haven't studied for PLUS ALSO an interrogation. There are even hot lights shining on you. Sure, they're shining on your lady parts, but whatever.

After some chit-chat, the doctor tells you to lie back and put your arms over your head so she can feel you up and make sure your boobs aren't bad-lumpy. And then she yells at your for not giving yourself monthly breast exams. My doctor also likes small talk, but instead of talking about the weather, she'll talk about how her kids go to Catholic school and one day they came home and said they'd had a discussion about abortion in religion class. And you just smile and nod and try to pretend she's not kneading your boob like a bunch of dough.

Now comes the big show. The stirrups come out and she's all, "scoot down here . . . a bit more . . . that's it . . . relax your knees," and it's very uncomfortable, except you're kind of distracted because SHE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT ABORTION. And then, with some gentle words ("oh boy, this part is never fun") she violates you with a piece of metal. Good times. Now is when she switches subjects a bit and starts talking about how she really liked that Mike Huckabee and you bite your tongue because you are in a VERY. COMPRIMISING. POSITION. and she could do you permanent damage. Eventually, she finishes and you think it's all over, but then she feels your ovaries or uterus or whatever. From the inside. Yeah. I've heard some gynos poke you in the butthole or something, but mine doesn't do that. If she did, I'd poke HER in the butthole and see how she likes people messing around down there.

See? I told you not to read this. That'll learn you.