Monday, February 18, 2008

You'll be missing me when you have that big, white, wrinkly body on top of you. With his loose skin and old balls . . . GROSS.

I just realized I haven't written anything here in a while. And by "in a while" I mean like . . . two days. But it felt like a long time. And anyway, it's not like I've been doing anything all that exciting. This is what I did this weekend: wrote articles, played Scrabble, wrote articles, went running, wrote articles, wrote articles, wrote articles. Bleh. I wish someone would just give me a giant wad of money already so I could stop working.

Heidi just got back from vacation last night, so the only human interaction I had all weekend was through the internet (which I'm not sure counts haha omg you guys jk!) and Friday night, when I went over to my grandmother's condo to help the family pack up some stuff to take to her in the assisted living place she's staying at for a couple of months (fingers crossed). That was the longest sentence I've ever written. Probably not, but whatever. Stay with me.

So yeah, I went over there Friday after work. My aunts and uncles were there and my parents, of course, and we ate pizza and I drank my dad's whiskey (because CLEARLY you cannot pack without whiskey) and then everyone else did stuff while I flitted from place to place saying stupid things. I did pack a couple of boxes, but I kept getting distracted by things I was finding. Like, all these old pictures of my dad and his brother and sisters. I wish I'd kept some so I could show the Internets because WOW. There's this one of my parents going to prom or whatever and my dad's suit matches my mom's dress, which sounds OK but my mom's dress was ROBIN'S EGG BLUE. No joke. Also, apparently my mom circa 1977 looks just like me circa now. Only I don't have a robin's egg blue dress. Because I don't wear dresses. Except to weddings. But I've never worn a robin's egg blue dress to a wedding. OH MY GOD THAT'S A LIE. I just remembered that I did once. WOW, good story, Jennie, tell it again.

Anyway, there was a portion of the evening where my dad VERY EXUBERANTLY celebrated That's What She Said Day and I suppose I could have been annoyed only I was laughing too hard and also, it's my own fault for telling him. And it didn't help that right at that time my mom found this incredibly old bowl of nuts and kept saying things like, "wow, these nuts are wrinkly," and "I've never seen nuts this old before." Seriously, you guys, I thought I was going to pass out from all the laughing and the inappropriateness of my mother going on and on about old, wrinkly nuts.

Then I got the bright idea to crack open one of the nuts. Because, I don't know, I was bored and when I'm bored I do ridiculously stupid things like stack shot glasses in a tower or crack open 10 year old nuts. I'll tell you what, though, that nut was SO HARD. I've never held a nut that hard in my hands before. So I cracked it open and it pretty much disintegrated into a pile of dust right there on the table. I looked over at my mom, waiting for the "oh, Jennie," look but then I saw them! Tiny bugs crawling around in the nut dust! DID YOU HEAR ME, INTERNETS? THERE WERE NUT BUGS IN THE NUTS! That's when we decided to just throw the rest of the nuts away and for the rest of the night I thought bugs were crawling ALL OVER ME.

Moral of the story: stay away from old, wrinkly nuts. TRUST ME.


  1. I thought you learned that lesson a couple of years ago...

  2. hard nuts are funny. i'm always like, "why are these nuts so hard?"

    anyway, i just wanted to comment that i wear dresses all the time, so i guess we don't in fact own the exact same wardrobe.

  3. That made me laugh so hard that I almost drooled valentine M&Ms onto myself.

  4. Steve, I don't know what you're talking about, I've never seen old, wrinkly nuts before.

    kat! I'd wear dresses, but they seem like so much more work. I don't know why, but this is the logic inside my head.

    mg! I could really go for some M&Ms right now. I did not have a sensible dinner.

  5. Anonymous9:07 AM

    Oh my god, this made me laugh out loud. I shouldn't read blogs at work!

  6. Tiny bugs crawling around in the nut dust

    [this is special]

  7. Girlfriend, I could have told you that moral a long time ago.

  8. I love this one - nut bugs? Who'd a thought.

    I want you to wear a robin egg blue dress to my wedding. Or a red white and blue dress, in honor of the holiday.

    BTW- "Is that the guy with the old balls?"

  9. That is ... gross. Why does Nut Dust sound like the name of a cover band?

  10. Tiny nut bugs, old hard nuts... excuse me please. I have to go throw up now.