I've learned there are three things you don't discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin.

So. I signed up for NaBloPoMo again this year, and will be posting every day in November. Remember how I did it last year? And then didn't blog for all of December? Yeah, we'll see how it goes this time.

I'm going to make it easier on myself, though. I started some stories . . . um, a long time ago and posted the first part, but WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW is I've been working on them in secret ever since then. And when I say working on them, I mean I'll write 100 words about every two weeks, when I remember I'm supposed to be writing stories. So I'll be continuing one or both of those throughout November so I don't have to come up with stuff about my life to write about every day. You know, I say that is my plan right now, but that could very well change tomorrow. I think you know by now that you should take everything I say with a grain of salt. What does that even mean? Take it with a grain of salt . . . what?

Well. According to Wikipedia:

(With) a grain of salt is a literal translation of a Latin phrase, (cum*) grano salis.

In common parlance, if something is to be taken with a grain of salt, it means that a copious measure of skepticism should be applied regarding a claim; that it should not be blindly accepted and believed without any doubt or reservation. According to the Oxford English Dictionary "to take 'it' with a grain of salt" means "to accept a thing less than fully". It dates this usage back to 1647.

The phrase comes from Pliny the Elder's Naturalis Historia, regarding the discovery of a recipe for an antidote to a poison. In the antidote, one of the ingredients was a grain of salt. Threats involving the poison were thus to be taken "with a grain of salt" and therefore less seriously. An alternative account says that the Roman general believed he could make himself immune to poison by ingesting small amounts of various poisons, and he took this treatment with a grain of salt to help him swallow the poison. In this version, the salt is not the antidote, it was taken merely to assist in swallowing the poison.

So BASICALLY I just compared my words to poison, and if you drink the poison, take some antidote that has a grain of salt in it. Or you could just try eating a grain of salt, but you'll probably die. Sorry.

Last night, I went over to my parents' house to help them pass out candy, although I mostly stood there staring out the window, hoping this kid on a skateboard would fall down, oh, and also drinking wine and eating my weight in tiny Twix bars. There was a little discussion of the upcoming election, and I may or may not have promised my sister $5 if she voted for Obama. The offer still stands, Mindy.

I'm KIDDING! I'd give her way more than $5. ZING!

Um. Anyway. It being Halloween and all, we were allowed to dress up at work today. I went the Jim Halpert Three-Hole-Punch route, meaning the lazy route. I'm not Three-Hole-Punch Jennie, instead I'm Jennie on the Weekend. My costume includes the following: jeans, sweater, Chuck Taylors. There weren't really any good costumes at work this year. No Storm Troopers or Marios. We did get to go to the conference center for hot cider and snacks and OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS they had tiny pies! You know on Pushing Daisies? When Chuck makes cup-pies? THEY WERE JUST LIKE THAT. Adorable.

And now I'm sitting here wondering if someone spiked my cider, because I'm feeling a little fuzzy and also my face is all warm. I mean, I just wish someone would have TOLD me the cider was spiked. I would have had more.

*hee

Good news, everyone!

NBC is back! This is good. Not that I won't miss HBO Family. They had been showing Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead like . . . every single day. I heart that movie. Did you know David Duchovny is in it? Well, he is. David Duchovny is also in Beethoven. He and the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond get dragged down the street by the dog. It's funny, if you're a little kid. Actually, even then, it's not really funny.

Internets, prepare to have your minds blown. I haven't even watched last week's episode of The Office yet. I KNOW. I have no good reason for not watching it. It's not like I've been out saving homeless babies from zombies. I mean, zombies wouldn't eat babies anyway, homeless or otherwise, because baby brains are TINY and the zombies would still be really hungry afterward. It would just be a waste of their energy. Anyway. I need to watch it ASAP. Like, before tonight's episode. Now that it's back on TV, I HAVE to watch it live. Or whatever. I mean, it's Beggar's Night, so I might be busy throwing candy at children.

Last night, I watched that Obama thingie that was on a zillion channels. I wasn't going to, because I already know I'm voting for him, but this person in my office listens to conservative talk radio all day (ALL. FUCKING. DAY.), so when Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity start bitching about it, I want to know what they're talking about. Although, when I hear them talking, I don't really hear words, mostly I just hear, "waaaah waaaaaaaah wah wah . . . wah wah waaaaaah," which sort of sounds like a combination of Chewbacca and the adults from the Peanuts cartoons. It's not a pleasant sound, but it's still better than what their real voices sound like. Anyway, I'm really glad I watched it. I even got a little teary, which honestly is not that big of a feat. I get teary during episodes of Saved by the Bell because YOU KNOW WHAT? It was really sad when Zack and Kelly broke up!

I was going to refrain from all political talk this time around, after live-blogging the election four years ago, but I am very, very nervous. Even more nervous than I was in 2004 and believe you me, I was PRETTY DAMN NERVOUS in 2004. I never would have thought that anything would be scarier than another four years of W, but congratulations McCain and Palin! You did it!

UPDATE: Halloween pictures!

Hey, all right, Ross came as Doody!

We celebrated Halloween a bit early this year, dressing up on Saturday and hitting both the Oregon District's HauntFest and a Halloween party hosted by a walking taco. The festivities started around 8, even though Heidi was still sewing her costume. I mixed up some black punch (grape Koolaid, orange Koolaid, ginger ale, and vodka) and maybe should have used less vodka and more ginger ale. We even made a frozen hand to put in the punch, but the fingers melted really quickly. Also, Joe broke most of them off when he dropped it into the bowl.

Joe and I made a pretty accurate Charlie Brown and Lucy, Steve ended up as . . . you know, I'm not really sure. Heh. After adding a red jacket to his ensemble, he soon became Chas Tenenbaum, and later on that night, Steve Holt. But the real star that night was Heidi, whose Rainbow Brite costume was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. There are pictures of her and Steve Holt/Chas Tenenbaum, as well as Charlie Brown trying to kick a football, but they're all on Heidi's camera. Sorry.

Down at the Oregon District it was, well, really fucking cold. We didn't stay long, but we were there long enough for Willie Nelson to call me a bitch. As in, "Charlie! Don't let that bitch pull the football away again!" which was ridiculous, because I think at this point Joe was the one carrying the football. See, when I've been drinking, I tend to lose things and my dad has had the football for 96 years and would probably be really upset if I lost it.

Once we got too cold to wander the streets, we ended up at a house party, complete with hot cider, keg, bonfire, and Sarah Palin. Sarah had lots of babies with her, and eventually most ended up in the fire. I'm not saying Sarah Palin likes to burn babies, I'm just telling you what I saw with my own two (somewhat drunk) eyes.

My sister text messaged me yesterday evening, asking what I was doing. I wrote back "nothing," but a more accurate answer would have been this:

I slept til 11, got up and went to Wendy's for lunch, came home and took a three hour nap, did some laundry, showered, put my pajamas back on, watched TV with Heidi, and got El Toro carry out for dinner.

So, yes, it was a bit of a lazy Sunday. I wore pajamas for most of the day, only changing out of them to go to Wendy's, El Toro, and later to buy pumpkins for more pumpkin carving tonight. I heart Halloween so hard.

don't drink the hateorade

I complain a lot. Ask anyone. ANYONE. These are the things I've been complaining about lately, but in an effort to make myself a better person, I'm going to complain about them AND THEN say something good about them. Look at that. I'm growing.

1. Cold weather

Earlier this week, I started complaining about snow and it hasn't even gotten cold enough to snow yet. Also, the cold weather makes it harder to go running because it makes my throat hurt (waaaaaaaaah) and I have to wear a jacket. I HATE WEARING A JACKET. The good thing about cold weather, though, is that I no longer sweat like a pig while running and also it was cold enough last weekend to build a fire and roast marshmallows. Win win win.

2. the election

I've known who I was going to vote for since February 2007. And since I know who I'm going to vote for and am sick of hearing about the election and am double sick of seeing Palin's stupid face everywhere, can't they just move the voting to today? Or even tomorrow. I'm flexible. The good thing about the election is . . . um, it's almost over. Also, I could go vote early if I wasn't so lazy and if I didn't heart voting on election day so hard.

3. Atonement (sorry, Ashley)

I finished the book the other day, and I only did it out of pure spite, because I guessed the ending after beginning Part Two, and I didn't like any of the characters, and Briony was stupid and annoying, and it moved SO SLOWLY and I don't really like war books anyway (except for The Things They Carried). But. I plan on seeing the movie, because I've heard rumors that James McAvoy is super dreamy in it.

4. NBC

We still don't have it. Instead we have HBO Family, which has been running the same five movies over and over. We have Batman Returns (good), E.T. (good), some movie about kid entrepreneurs (didn't watch it, but it looked really cheesy), some movie about kids stuck in an airport (didn't watch it, but it had Lewis Black in it so it couldn't have been good), and The Astronaut Farmer, which I can't watch because Billy Bob Thornton ruined David Duchovny's marriage. This not having NBC is not good, no matter what way I look at it, because you know why? The version of E.T. they're showing is the new one. And in the new version, they took out the part where Elliot calls his brother, "penis breath." Enough said.

5. money

As in, I have none. The good thing about this is, it forced me to reevaluate my budget (ha, what budget).

6. Thanksgiving

First of all, nothing can top the Thanksgiving Miracle of last year, but this year Thanksgiving is with my mom's side of the family which is the side of the family full of DRAMA AND CRAZY. Because of this, Thanksgiving will just be me, my parents, and sister, and that sounds practically perfect to me. I might even bring more than the rolls this year.

7. Christmas

See above: crazy family. They have rescheduled both Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even though I can't make it to faux-Thanksgiving, it doesn't matter because they only reschedule major holidays for my army-bound cousin, anyway. Oh, do I sound bitter? It's because I am. Anyway, the good thing about Christmas is I LOVE BUYING PRESENTS FOR PEOPLE. The no money thing makes this a challenge, but despite my laziness, I actually enjoy a challenge.

8. Puppies

Ha! Just kidding. No one complains about puppies unless they pee or poop somewhere they're not supposed to, and even then, it's half-hearted complaining because LOOK AT HOW CUTE THE PUPPY IS.

And now I want a puppy.

Tim Gunn vs. Stacy and Clinton

I'm addicted to a lot of things, from The Office to caffeine to mainlining the Internet daily, but my biggest time-wasting addiction is reality makeover shows. I prefer What Not to Wear or Tim Gunn's Guide to Style, but in a pinch, any makeover show will do, especially if it's America Next Top Model's makeover show, mostly because I like to watch skinny, pretty girls cry over their new hair-don'ts.

It's when I try and choose between What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn's Guide to Style that I run into trouble. I'd say my love of Tim Gunn pretty much equals my love of Stacy, Clinton, and Stacy's wardrobe, but if I were going to go on a makeover show, I think I'd rather be on What Not to Wear. I think. I'm not even sure that's true. See, you get $5000 to spend in NYC on What Not to Wear, but I'm not sure how far that goes in those stores. On the other hand, Tim Gunn's lucky ladies get to pick out ten "essential" items from Macy's, which . . . yeah, doesn't sound that great BUT JUST HOLD ON A SECOND. Tim Gunn then takes the contestant to some designer's studio, where she always ends up getting to KEEP a dress. ALSO. There's this bit in the beginning where they get to go to La Perla and pick out lots of fancy, expensive bras. The downside is, Tim Gunn's lady model friend goes through your underwear drawer and all of TVland sees your granny panties, plus you have to model your new bras while you're trying them on at La Perla.

There are downsides to both shows, I suppose. I mean, it always looks like they throw away the majority of your wardrobe. Even t-shirts! That part always makes me cry a little so then I go to my own closet and pull out my favorite t-shirts to give them long, loving hugs. I'm pretty sure they don't ACTUALLY throw all of your clothes away, probably just the really skanky ones you shouldn't be wearing anyway.

And then! You get your hair cut and styled and they show you how to put on makeup without looking like a tranny clown whore, which is always an important step in any woman's life. Now that I think about it, I'm changing my mind about which show I'd want to be on. Stacy and Clinton are funny and fierce and have that cool (but scary) all-around mirror, but Tim Gunn almost always cries at some point because of how good he made the woman look. Plus also, he gives them better self-esteem and seems like he actually cares about your stupid problems. I don't think Stacy and/or Clinton have ever cried over anyone. Not that I'd turn down either show if someone wanted to submit me for one of them. I would happily parade around in my bra on television if it meant I'd get a shiny new wardrobe.

WINNER: Tim Gunn (duh)

You are a thief of joy

Apparently the other day when I told you guys about my conversation with the coyote, I wasn't entirely clear that, well, I made all that up. I thought it was obvious, considering most coyotes will not stop and have a conversation with you (they are, instead, usually busy stealing babies with their dingo cousins), but SOME PEOPLE thought I actually did run into the coyote. I did not. I should also tell this person that the time a zombie came out of the pond and I threw Gerard the (not duck) Zmdleud at it, that was all made up, too. I also never fell into a wormhole. And I never found a genie lamp. I'M SORRY I lie. I can't help myself.

And now for a true story. After much (seriously MUCH) consideration, Halloween costumes have been chosen. Heidi is going to be Rainbow Brite and it is going to be amazing. Joe is going to be Charlie Brown. I am going to be Lucy and carry a football. Nancy is going to be a hot dog. I don't know what Steve is going to be. Steve? I don't have any of my costume picked out yet, not even the football, but I have faith that it will all get taken care of. Magically.

TiVo is totally conspiring against Heidi and I. It didn't record Ugly Betty last night! And we still don't have NBC, which isn't really TiVo's fault but I have to blame someone, anyway whatever, don't tell me what happened on The Office or I will have to kill you and I don't want to do that, mostly because I would get my hands dirty and I don't LIKE getting my hands dirty and that's why I hardly ever eat ribs. Or chicken wings. True story.

Last night, we caught up on bunches and bunches of TV shows. First we watched the Project Runway finale. I think I have to revise my list of 5 People I Would Like to Punch. I need to include Kenley because BITCH, SHUT UP. The only redeeming thing about her is that her dad is a tugboat captain. That's it. She is mean to Tim Gunn and for that I will punch her.

Did you know Grey's Anatomy is good again? Because it's totally good again. It's fun! And whimsical! But still sad sometimes. Ugly Betty is good again, too. I mean, I'm assuming this from last week's episode. Last night's episode might have been terrible, I don't know. I doubt it though, because Gio was back and if there's one thing I love, it's Gio. Or the actor that plays Gio anyway. Did you know he was in Can't Hardly Wait? Oh, right, everyone knows that. He was also on Six Feet Under. You know who else was on Six Feet Under? Dwight. He banged the mom. I think. They might not have banged, I don't really remember, but I know there was talk of banging. There were actually three people from Can't Hardly Wait on Six Feet Under. Gio, Lauren Ambrose, and the guy who licks pot brownie off her face in Can't Hardly Wait. I don't know his name but he's weird looking, like a ferret or something in the ferret family.

Anyway. I'm pretty excited about this weekend. Tonight? Dinner with Joe, possibly a movie, and IF HE'S LUCKY, Lucy-blue-dress shopping. Tomorrow, Heidi and I are going to this store that has ALL KINDS of random crap. It's sort of like Ikea, but even cheaper and it doesn't really sell furniture. And then we're going to get steak for dinner. STEAK. Yum. And then! We're buying pumpkins to take over to Tamara's and carve. I believe there will be spiked cider and since I like spiked anything, I'm pretty excited. Although, drinking spiked cider and then carving pumpkins doesn't sound very safe. Luckily, Tamara's husband is in med school, so if I slice off a finger, he'll probably know what to do. If anyone has any brilliant ideas for what I should carve into my pumpkin, please let me know. Last year, I created my own pumpkin face template and it ended up looking like the face of one of Calvin's snowmen. So, you know, I sort of need some help.

Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

So it turns out that skipping a week of running is NOT, in fact, a good idea. I went running after work yesterday and wanted to die fifteen times. It's true. I counted. And then I thought I actually MIGHT die when I ran into the coyote.

Coyote: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: Um.
Coyote: Ahem. Excuse me.
Me: Can you let me pass?
Coyote: No.
Me: Please?
Coyote: Only if you can answer three questions.
Me: Sigh. Fine.
Coyote: What is your name?
Me: Jennie.
Coyote: What is your quest?
Me: Um. To go home and collapse on the floor until my heart rate returns to normal.
Coyote: What is your favorite color?
Me: Blue.
Coyote: Really?
Me: Yes.
Coyote: You're not just saying that? Cause of the movie?
Me: No. I'm not just saying that cause of the movie.
Coyote: OK, fine, go ahead.
Me: Byeeeeeeee!

He was really nice. He didn't try to eat my face once, which was nice.

The other night, I went running IN THE DARK. I got home from volunteering and saw that Heidi had been to the gym and so I shamed myself into running. I'm not going running by myself in the dark anymore. At least not around Halloween. Because . . . see . . . that's when ghosts come out and do stuff. And I don't know for sure, but I think if zombies were going to attack, it would be on Halloween because they could just hang out on someone's porch, pretending to be a Halloween decoration, and then when the owner comes out of the house they'd be all, "AAAAAAAAAAUUUURRRRRGH! I WILL BITE YOU NOW!" only not so articulate. True story. Also, it's dangerous to run at night. There are still piles of branches and crap from the windicane that happened A MONTH AGO and when I ran by a big pile, I didn't see a stick sticking out of the pile and it scratched my leg. It's OK, though. It's just a flesh wound.

Hee! I just had this conversation with one of our field agents in Georgia:

Me: HR, this is Jennie.
Her: Hey, Jennie.
Me: Good morning! How are you?
Her: Oh, god, you sound so Northern.
Me: . . .

I mean . . . I talk to her almost EVERY DAY. Hey, remember when my blog had a point? Yeah, me neither.

PS: I still need help with my Halloween costume idea. Please do my thinking for me, I'd be very appreciative. Here are the stipulations: I don't want to wear a wig, so whatever I dress up as has to have dark brown hair. I don't want to spend a lot of money. I'm lazy, so I don't want to do a lot of sewing or gluing or anything. I will be outside, so I'm not dressing as slutty anything.

there is talk of barfing . . . don't say I didn't warn you

Hi, Internets. It's Tuesday. Just so you know. Some of you may be confused because yesterday was Columbus Day, and so you might not have had to work. I didn't. I'm not bragging or anything, I totally deserved it and here is why. I was supposed to go hang out with my BFFs on Saturday. At a bar. For much drinking. IN THE AFTERNOON and also at night. But here's what happened instead. I took a shower, felt sick, sat on the edge of the bathtub, and then realized I was going to vom and vom hard. And so vom I did, and while I was vomming, I realized I really needed to clean my bathroom.

So I missed hanging out with my BFFs, but luckily Joe brought over some movies so I wouldn't be too bored and Heidi kept me updated throughout the evening (for instance, "we are at mcs and there were naked men") and then she sent me a video of everyone saying they missed me. I finally left the apartment Sunday night because I was going CRAZY. It's weird, because I would willingly stay in the apartment all hermit-like for days at a time if I didn't have to go to work, but if I didn't CHOOSE to stay there, I get all cranky and have to leave immediately.

It's a damn good thing I had yesterday off, since I spent most of the weekend feeling like my stomach was going to rip itself in half. Several important things happened. I rode a dinosaur:



I went to a used bookstore and it smelled like old books and I sort of got lost in the stacks in the back and it was awesome.

I think I have decided to be Sarah Palin for Halloween. And Joe is going to be Joe Six Pack. Really, I wanted to be Liz Lemon because I could just wear my normal clothes and hair and glasses and I'm lazy so that really suits me. Or I could be Punky Brewster. I'll decide later, I'm tired right now.

I need a Winchester

Last night, I had a nightmare about zombies. This is not unusual. I often have nightmares about zombies. Well. Maybe not often. It's not like it's every other night. But I probably dream about zombies more often than most other people dream about zombies. Anyway. The difference between my nightmare zombies and REAL zombies (yeah, that's right) was that in my nightmare, all the zombies had to do to turn YOU into a zombie was touch you. Which is so unfair, really. Real zombies have to chase you and catch you and bite you. My nightmare zombies just had to get close enough to poke you with their zombie finger or whatever and BOOM, you were a zombie. Also, and this is just conjecture, but I think they could probably like, rip off their arm and throw it at you and if it touched you, you'd turn into a zombie. So in my dream, Simon Pegg was a zombie and he was chasing me around this house trying to turn ME into a zombie and I was all, "Shaun, cut it out, this is NOT COOL," and then I woke up and heard it was raining and got pissed because I'm supposed to go see Death Cab OUTSIDE tonight and even if it stops raining, the ground will be all soggy and I keep meaning to buy a Neat Sheet but I haven't yet so if we try to sit on the ground with the blanket I threw in my car, my butt will get wet and it will look like I peed myself but maybe that keeps zombies from touching you and if so that's awesome because I really don't feel like turning into a zombie today BECAUSE, as I said, it's raining and I bet zombies don't smell very good when they get wet.

Will someone get this big walking carpet out of my way?

I don't want to alarm anyone, but if you have Time Warner and you live in the Dayton area then RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T HAVE NBC. It's not really a problem yet, but it'll be a big problem if it's not back on Thursday because I'll have to go burn down the Time Warner building and I just don't have that kind of time. I'm not exactly sure WHY we don't have NBC right now, but it has something to do with the affiliate wanting more money and Time Warner not wanting to pay any more money. I don't know whose fault it is but I'm going to blame Time Warner on account of I HATE THEM. I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns. Yes, I DID steal that from 10 Things I Hate About You. Your point?

Yesterday, we went to Oktoberfest for the first time in a couple of years. We didn't go last year because we were at a wedding and the year before we got too drunk to get there before it started raining. I'm pretty sure I wrote about that night (yep) because it was not one of my finer moments. But whatever. Bygones.

I ate bad-for-me food and I drank bad-for-me beer yesterday, but it was well-deserved because on Saturday I both went to work and THEN went running. We also saw Tropic Thunder and I got a chocolate milkshake from Graeter's, so you could say THAT was my reward for going to work and running, but you could also just shut up and leave me alone. So there. I know I sound cranky but that's just because it's not the weekend anymore. It was a really good one, aside from the working. Best part? Last night, a kid at Kroger was imitating Chewbacca. It was magical. And I almost stole him. But I didn't. In case you were worried.

Coyote Update

Don't worry, no one has been eaten by a coyote. YET. But now my mom is trying to convince me to keep it as a pet. See chain of emails HERE:

Me: Did I tell you there's a coyote over by the pond by our apartment?
Mom: I read your blog. That is cool, we have them here sometimes. They LOVE dog food by the way. May want to keep some close to the front door and grab a handful each time you head outside "just in case."
Me: Mom, are you encouraging me to feed a WILD ANIMAL? Then it will never leave! And it might eat Phoebe!
Mom: And the flaw in that plan would be?! Then you could sort of have a dog!
Me: Yeah, a dog that might eat my face!
Mom: Oh, there are always challenges with being pet owners.
Me: I'm putting this on my blog.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, I saw that the apartment complex people had put a notice on our door. "Oh, no," I thought. "I hope they haven't seen my pet penguin." Just kidding. I don't have a pet penguin, although, I'm pretty sure that since they don't allow dogs, I wouldn't be allowed to keep one in the makeshift ice cooler habitat I'd make out of the storage unit. Anyway.

The notice was to tell us that a coyote had been spotted in the vicinity. A COYOTE. And not the friendly kind that tries to blow you up with dynamite. But a real coyote that will eat your cats and your babies and MAYBE NOT EVEN IN THAT ORDER. Do coyotes eat babies? Or is that just dingoes? Anyway.

Unfortunately, the notice didn't tell you what to do in case you ran into this wily coyote (see what I did there?) during your early morning run or, let's be honest, sleepy walk to your car. I thought back on all of my wild animal knowledge and all I could think of was Dwight's advice about bear attacks, which I didn't think would be very helpful. I thought maybe you beat sticks at it, but then I remembered that that was from The Parent Trap and I think that was to ward off mountain lions, not coyotes. OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS. AWESOME. My favorite part is the laughing. Anyway.

Heidi actually SAW the coyote with her very own eyes and she said the coyote just looked at her like she was a delicious, delicious baby that it wanted to eat with a side of cranberry sauce. I might have embellished a bit. I told her to stay far away from it if she saw it again, because what if it was friends with the baby raccoons?