Tuesday, March 25, 2008

this sucks

I live a relatively quiet life in the suburbs, so you can imagine my surprise when I walked into the kitchen one night to find a vampire raiding my refrigerator. He was digging through the freezer, pulling out all the meat, and sticking it in the microwave. The problem was, he hadn't taken the plastic off, and I'm assuming the popping noise that had brought me to the kitchen in the first place was the plastic exploding and melting all over my new Kenmore Elite.

I cleared my throat and the pasty gentleman turned to face me.

"Oh," he said. "Hello, there."

"What do you think you're doing?" I asked.

"Me? Oh, um . . . I'm a ghost . . . OOOOOOOOO AAHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOOOH AAAHHHHH!"

"Stop."

"Sorry," he said, plopped a sirloin back in the freezer, and slammed it shut.

"Can you turn that off, please?" I requested, pointing to the microwave. He opened the microwave door, releasing the acrid smell of burning plastic, and sat down at the kitchen table. I took the chair across from him.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Sherman."

"Sherman?"

"Sherman."

"What kind of name for a vampire is Sherman?" I scoffed.

"Vampire? Who's a vampire?" he widened his eyes.

"Please."

"OK, yes, I'm a vampire," he said. "But I didn't bite anyone, did I? I just helped myself to a little snack."

"This isn't a grocery store," I answered.

"Clearly! The meat selection left a lot to be desired."

"Funny."

"Thanks," he said. "Well, I'd better be going now." He got up to leave, but I walked to the door and stood in his way.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to repay me," I said. "For both the food and the microwave."

"Look . . . "

"Alan."

"Alan. I am a creature of the night. I don't have any money," he said. He reached past me and grabbed the doorknob.

"Well," I said, pushing his hand away. "What do you have? A nice watch? Jewels?"

"Look at me," he gestured to his faded jacket and the patches in his pants. "Do I look like I have jewels?"

"I'm going to have to come with you, then," I said.

"What?"

"I'm coming with you. We'll get you a job or something and then you can pay me back," I said.

"You're crazy. You can't follow a CREATURE OF THE NIGHT," he shouted.

"Keep your voice down. I'm coming with you." I opened the door and stepped outside.

"Fine," he said and followed me to my car. "But I don't think you're going to enjoy this."

"Finally, something we can agree on."

10 comments:

  1. Alan has the bravery of ten large men - or the stupidity of average male.

    I am pretty sure those two things add up to the same amount of the "whatever" he has, but I no longer have my conversion chart or my notes on how to accurately use stoichiometry.

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  2. I don't believe Sherman can hold a job cause he's a little neurotic and also a terrible liar. Alan's going to be disappointed.

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  3. GSR, see, though, would you be afraid of a vampire named Sherman?

    S, I think you're right.

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  4. You can call me, 'Sir'11:47 AM

    Your name's Alan now? Oh, wait...is this fiction?

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  5. I sure hope it's fiction.

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  6. That's what I'm here for, my friend.

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  7. Oh! I love this. For serious. I would buy this book right now.

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  8. You wanna pay me in installments? Like, for that bit right there . . . fifteen cents?

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  9. I think I might actually pay a quarter for that.

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