Tuesday, January 08, 2008

tuesday's grey

Is it seriously only Tuesday? Really? I refuse to believe it. I am now declaring it Friday. YOU'RE WELCOME. While I'm at it, it's also 5 o'clock, so if you're reading this at work (tsk tsk), you can go home. YOU'RE WELCOME. Did I tell you guys I got attacked by zombies on Sunday? No? Well. Let me fill you in. I was just walking around the pond by our apartment, reveling in the unusually warm, spring-like weather, when SUDDENLY something jumped out of the pond like the Creature from the Black Lagoon, only it wasn't a creature! Well, it was, sort of. But not really! It was a zombie! And it came at me all, "braaaaaaaains, uuuuuuuugh BRRRAAAAAAAINS," so of course, I freaked out and tried to run away. But I tripped over a goose! His name was Gerard. And he was all, "Jennie, wtf is that thing?" and at first I was like, "um, dude, you're talking," and he was like, "duh, my name is Gerard and I come from this planet where geese can talk . . . only on my planet we're not called geese, we're called Zmdleuds." It was weird. Almost as weird as a zombie coming out of the water in broad daylight, but not quite. I asked Gerard if Howard the Duck was from his planet and he got all offended! He said, "please, Jennie, this is reality, not some silly movie you saw when you were 7." And I said, "WHATEVER, Gerard, do you see that thing coming at us? Tell me THAT'S reality!" And he was all, "Touche, Jennie. Touche."

So anyway, the zombie. Luckily, he was one of those slow-moving zombies from the days of yore, not one of the new ones who are so fast that they've ripped your throat out before you even realize anything is wrong. He was so slow that he'd barely clambered out of the pond by the time Gerard and I had finished our discussion. I looked around and realized I didn't have anything to fend off a zombie attack. No flame thrower, no Winchester, not even a big, pointy stick! I thought about just running back to the apartment, but I don't think Heidi would have been happy if I'd led a zombie to our front door. I mean, she's OK with most of my guests, but most of my guests don't try to eat her face.

So. I did what I had to do. I picked Gerard up, swung him around my head a few times, and threw him straight at the zombie. It didn't hurt the zombie or anything, but it gave me time to run back to my apartment while the zombie was looking for Gerard's brains. Don't worry about Gerard! He was fine. Zmdleuds don't have brains so the zombie eventually lost interest and fell back in the pond.


  1. At the bar last night I kept stubbornly insisting that I get the Tuesday drink special.

    What? You don't go to bars on Monday nights?

  2. I went to a bar last night, too.

    I'm so glad that you had that goose there to distract the zombie. Right on. Weird things should always happen in pairs, to offset each other.

  3. I wish I was at a bar right now.

  4. So last night my wife called while she was driving home and I was cooking dinner and I said that we didn't have any wine and maybe we should just go a night without drinking and when she asked if I was sure I instructed he to bring home two bottles of wine and double park in front of the liquor store if that is what it took.

    Yeah - not a zombie story, but if you knew me better you would see how me even thinking, "Let's not drink tonight" is a strange occurrence on par with a talking duck and slow moving swamp zombie.

  5. I'm picturing your future children asking you, "Mommy, will you tell me a bedtime story?"

    OK, you can resume breathing. It was just a fleeting thought.

  6. This made me very happy.

  7. That's because the new zombies aren't really zombies they just have rage and it's like being a zombie but not really but that's why they move so fast.

    Also, I'm glad you threw Gerard. It was probably for the best.