Monday, January 14, 2008

I wish my real life was half as interesting as the life I'm leading in my head

Some weekday mornings, I walk to my car and I wonder what I'm doing. Where I'm going. I mean, I know I'm going to work, but I think, "Why? Who ARE you? Why are you all dressed up? Where are your jeans?"

So, imagine my delight when I found a genie lamp sitting next to my car this morning! I picked it up, rubbed the side, and the genie came out. His name was Gene. I told him that wasn't very imaginative and he told me to take it up with his parents and also to make my wishes already, because he was right in the middle of watching Grey's Anatomy on DVR (Gene told me prefers DVR when I asked why he didn't have TiVo; apparently with all the flashes and smoke that come with being a genie, he doesn't feel the need for the fun blee-bloop noises that TiVo provides) and he really wanted to see if Bailey's son was going to be OK. I told him that yes, Bailey's son is fine, but her marriage? Maybe not. And then he got so mad at me for spoiling him that he tried to climb back in his lamp and I was all, "Nuh-uh, Gene, give me my wishes!" and he was like, "Fine, Jennie, what do you want?"

I thought for a moment and said, "I would like 100 more wishes," and he said, "Nice try . . . that is cheating and HURRY UP because I still have 13 episodes of What Not to Wear to watch." So then I decided to wish for my bank account to never empty, no matter how much I spent.

"Hmm," Gene said. "That's a good one."

I thanked him and THEN wished for a time machine. One with a clear, titanium bubble around it so I would be protected. At first he was all, "Um, didn't you ever see Back to the Future? Maybe you, who can barely manage to do a load of laundry without setting the apartment on fire, should not be in charge of a device such as a time machine," but then I told him all I wanted it for was to go back in time and see the dinosaurs. And I wouldn't even get out of my time machine. That's what the clear titanium bubble was for. That, and I'm pretty sure a T-Rex can't bite through titanium.

"OK, Jennie," he said. "That's two. What's your last wish?"

"Well, Gene, I've thought a lot about this," I lied, having thought very little about what my third and final wish might be. "I would like to be able to fly and also to become invisible whenever I wanted and none of that nonsense about my clothes not being invisible because I'm not all about getting naked EVERY TIME I want to spy on someone."

"Jennie. That is totally two wishes."

"Nuh-uh, Gene, cause I asked for it in one sentence."


So then he gave me the ability to fly and ALSO to become invisible (along with my clothing) whenever I wanted. And, I mean, what would you do with these new abilities? Would you go to work? No. You would not. I flew to DC and broke into the Pentagon. Only, when I got there, I realized that being invisible didn't do a whole lot of good because everyone at the Pentagon locks their doors. I mean, where's the trust? LUCKILY, I know how to pick locks with just a hairpin. Can you believe doors at the Pentagon are that easy to unlock? I was shocked and appalled. Also, you'd think there'd be shit tons of government secrets in there, but NO. They're all just sitting around watching Gossip Girl on their computers.

After that, I was all "eff this BS," and I flew to Antarctica to get myself a pet penguin. It's so cold there, you guys, I almost lost a finger.


Today on The Collective, Heather brings us life lessons from Gossip Girl.


  1. Is your time machine big enough for a passenger? I knew the Pentagon was behind the writer's strike. Fucking George Bush.

  2. Funny you should ask, it actually seats 4.

  3. "everyone at the Pentagon locks their doors. I mean, where's the trust?" = awesome.

    I hope the Collective has fun traveling back in time. Bring me back something that would be worth a lot of money today (but not something I'd feel compelled to donate to a museum) wouldja? Not all of us have a bank account that never empties.

  4. I bet we can squeeze 5 in the time machine.

  5. Woohoo!

    (Um, if that fifth person is me. If not, insert uncomfortable laughter here.)

  6. Of course! Also, I was lying about only using my time machine to see the dinosaurs. I will totally be abusing time.

  7. Question, if you took us in your time machine back to the time when you met Gene in your car, would we be able to get wishes too?

  8. I think we can make that happen.

  9. If you see Gene again can you ask him to come to my house?
    I want a free wedding
    To speed read
    and for universal healthcare *the kind where doctors are still rich but people get free care and medicine.

  10. I can do that. But I can't figure out why you'd want doctors to still be rich? Hee.

  11. i lock my door all the time too. i'm busy and important like that.

  12. Is it because you're watching Gossip Girl?

  13. Anonymous2:52 PM

    Duh, Jeremy is going to be a doctor. Get with the program Jennie. Also, did you smoke crack and have Irish coffee before work again?

    Also, I would like laser fingers.

  14. Yes to all of your questions. I'll see what I can do about the laser fingers, but do you really think you should be bringing lasers into our apartment?

  15. Anonymous4:55 PM

    You need a glam-rock jumpsuit to keep you warm in Antarctica.