grace in small things: PART DEUX

I was doing so, so well at this Grace in Small Things thing for, um, a couple days and then I stopped doing it because OMG it takes SO LONG to come up with five bullet points every day. Goodness gracious me! Anyway, I'm going to start doing it again so I don't become more bitter and jaded than I already am.

1. wine and pizza with Nancy and Heidi tonight
2. fall weather is coming
3. cheese (today: pepperjack on my turkey sandwich)
4. my Google Reader overfloweth
5. rereading books

murder most foul

This weekend began with a rainy baseball game and ended with a murder mystery. Joe and I met my parents on Friday at Brixx, a restaurant/pub type thing across the street from the stadium. We were really pushing it to make it to the 7 o'clock game, but as the sky was turning a little Angry Thunder Face, we decided to eat dinner and drink some beers before heading over. As my dad pointed out, beer is cheaper at Brixx than it is at the game, and who am I to argue with such logic in this economy?

So I ate a burger topped in salsa and jalapenos (YUM) and somehow we ended up with not one, not two, but THREE baskets of chips and queso and try as we might, we just couldn't eat all that cheese. We gave it a good effort, though, even turning our waffle fries into CHEESE waffle fries and later that night I realized that I should not eat so much cheese in one sitting. IT'S SO GOOD. Shut up, stomach, you'll eat 10 pounds of cheese AND YOU'LL LIKE IT.

Anyway, we got rained on at the game PLUS ALSO they lost PLUS ALSO I swear to everything holy there were bats flying around but everyone was all, "no, Jennie, they're birds" but they've never been traumatized by a bat so their opinions don't count.

Because of the whole rained-on thing, any plans for a postgame drink were abandoned because as much as I like bars, I do not like sitting in them when half of my butt is encased in wet, slowly-drying jeans, so instead Joe and I changed into pajamas and watched Aliens and I might have whimpered like a little girl in parts but OMG YOU GUYS, Kat was right, aliens are effing terrifying. True story.

We saw Inglourious Basterds on Saturday, which ALSO might have made me whimper like a little girl in parts but that is because Quentin Tarantino is a sick bastard (basterd?). Good movie, though. I read a review somewhere that described Brad Pitt as "Coen-brothers perfect" and that might be the most apt description of his performance, like, EVER. My point is, you should definitely go see it, just be forewarned that you may never look at Ryan the Temp the same way after you've seen him scalp someone. Um. Spoiler?

And then Sunday. What to say about Sunday? I thought about working out after I saw Joe's brother Facebook that he had just signed up for a 5K, but instead I sat under a blanket and read my book for most of the afternoon. I eventually dragged myself off of the couch so I could get ready for the BBQ/Birthday Party/Murder Mystery Party that Joe's friends were throwing. All I have to say is, whoever assigned the characters must read this blog because part of my character's description was about how she tells long, rambling stories that go nowhere and if that's not the theme of this blog then I don't know what is. It turns out that the butler doesn't always do it because, in this case, THERE WAS NO BUTLER and also I discovered I suck at murder mysteries because I mostly just sat back and giggled at everyone, forgot to pay attention to any of the clues, and guessed myself as the murderer just because I had no idea.

Later we played cornhole and I did better at that. For one game anyway. But I totally counted it as exercise because I was, you know, standing and holding a cup and stuff. I meant to get up early this morning and work out, but the fallish breeze was blowing in and it was so warm under the covers that I couldn't drag myself out of bed any sooner than I had to.

Tonight, Heidi and I are going to Nancy's for wine and pizza and catching up, because I'm trying this new thing where I drag the weekend kicking and screaming into the week so I don't notice that it's Monday. It would be a lot more effective, I think, if I wasn't sitting at work right now.

let's pretend like I'm Tracy Jordan and you all are Grizz and Dot Com and basically you tell me how wonderful I am AAAAND GO!

The weather has been so, so nice the past couple of days that I sort of want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

Anyway, it's been so nice that I even turned off the AC and opened all the windows and yesterday, I sat on the sofa, embroidered a monkey, tried not to pay too much attention to We Are Marshall on TBS (because of the tears, people, OH THE TEARS!), and sipped on a glass of wine because Abigail told me that it was OK to start drinking. It was pretty much perfection. And now I am at work. That is the opposite of perfection.

Only it's not so bad, because my always-talking coworker is not here today and I decided to randomly come in an hour late and no one cared or noticed (not sure which) and did I mention my always-talking coworker is not here? It is so quiet and lovely today. I want to take the lovely quiet behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I did manage to be productive this weekend, sort of kind of anyway, because it's not like I did ALL that much, but I did the necessities like vacuuming and laundrying and, you know, showering. I did not work out at all this weekend and I let myself eat whatever I wanted as a reward for making it through The Week From Hell, but this week I'm back on the wagon. So far, anyway. I'm afraid this week might turn into The Week From Hell Part Two: The Hellinating, especially since I came in this morning only to find that the air conditioning isn't working. Luckily, it's not that hot outside, but still...it's super stuffy in here and kind of smells like a fart. Which, you know, is sort of gross. But whatever, this training is supposed to be over by the end of August so I'm looking forward to sweet, sweet September because it will all be over OVER! OVER! and also September is when Labor Day happens and I don't have to work on Labor Day which means three day weekend and I love three day weekends so much I want to take them behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[pause for laughter]

I've been feeling this great need to be more organized and productive, which is making me sort of crazy (crazier) because I keep making lists and spreadsheets and more lists and more spreadsheets and starting stories and revising other stories and starting more stories and what I'm saying is my Google Docs are out of control. But I don't care because I have my beautiful, beautiful spreadsheets. I want to take my spreadsheets behind the middle school and get them pregnant.

[crickets]

Too much? Yeah, I know, too much. I don't really know where to end this, which is the problem with pointless posts SUCH AS THIS ONE so I guess I'll keep talking until I run out of things to say only NO I WON'T because I NEVER run out of things to say, just ask Joe. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go update my Budget spreadsheet. I think there might be a problem with it, because according to my spreadsheet I should have no monies left for the rest of August, but I do have monies left, so I should probably look into that. Also, you know what? I should spend less monies. I knew that before the spreadsheet but the spreadsheet just made it all the more obvious, what with the BOLD RED print that basically screams, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JENNIE, BACK AWAY FROM TARGET RIGHT THE HELL NOW."

My budget is kind of rude. I do not want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Zing!

Heather Anne asked (sort of)

As far as I can tell, these are (most of) the new movies being released this week and here are my opinions which aren't really opinions because I'm always right anyway moving on:

Inglourious Basterds -- So for a long time I wouldn't see The Pursuit of Happyness because they spelled happiness wrong in the title, but for some reason that doesn't bother me at all for this movie. I don't know why. Anyway, I saw a preview for this movie before District 9 and I was surprised at how much I actually want to see it. Probably it's because I want to see Ryan the Temp scalp some Nazis or whatever because Nazis are bad.

Verdict: THEATER

Post Grad -- Chances are, this movie is face-meltingly awful but I totally heart little Rory Gilmore, so I'd be inclined to watch it.

Verdict: DVD

Shorts -- OK, this is actually the movie I thought was Aliens in the Attic. Sorry, I got my (probably) crappy kids movies mixed up. I think this looks sort of cute, but in a "I'd watch this on ABC Family on a Sunday afternoon because I'm hungover and can't find the remote" sort of way.

Verdict: DVD/Face-Melty

The Marc Pease Experience -- I know nothing about this movie. Except that Ben Stiller is in it (possibly a minus) and Jason Schwartzman is in it (definitely a bonus). So. Yeah.

Verdict: DVD

My One and Only -- I want to like this because it's set in the 50s. But I've decided to boycott Renee Zellweger until she says she's not doing a third Bridget Jones movie (seriously, Renee, STOP IT).

Verdict: Face-Melty (could be redacted at a later date)

The World's Greatest Dad -- This movie sounds totally fucked up THEREFORE awesome. Robin Williams has an obnoxious son, who I think dies or commits suicide or something, and so Robin Williams totally mooches it so people feel sorry for him. I don't know really, but what I DO know is that this might be a movie starring Robin Williams that doesn't make you want to punch him in the neck. More Good Morning, Vietnam and less RV.

Verdict: DVD

My point is, you might as well go see Inglourious Basterds this weekend.

This is the Seinfeld of posts.

I've started to notice lately that it doesn't take much to affect my mood one way or the other. I'll be smiling my way down the hallway at work and then I'll hear Annoying Coworker #5 talking about how he heard Glenn Beck say the funniest thing the other day, and he doesn't mean funny like, "wow, I didn't know someone with so few brain cells could speak," he means funny like, "that Glenn Beck sure knows what he's talking about," because if this guy lived in Phoenix, he probably would have been one of those idiots who brought a gun to hear Obama speak because THAT'S TOTALLY SANE AND NORMAL and what was I saying? I don't remember, really, but I think it had something to do with the fact that my mood can be ruined by the smallest things.

However. It can also be buoyed by the smallest things, like YUMMY FOOD or hearing The Final Countdown on the radio and picturing GOB dancing around before he makes a boat DISAPPEAR. You know what other Arrested Development-related activity makes me happy? Imitating the Bluths imitating chickens. Chaw-chee-chaw-chee-chaw! If you don't understand that, then maybe you should go watch some Arrested Development already.

Here is why: I am right about everything and I say Arrested Development is hilarious. Other shows that are hilarious: How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Flight of the Conchords. Sometimes people try to watch things like Two and a Half Men and I have to tell them how not funny it is. Sometimes they don't believe me and watch it anyway and I feel sorry for their brains. It's sad.

I can also tell you what movies you should see in the theater, what movies you should wait to see on DVD, and what movies you should never, ever see because they will be so awful that they will melt your face, sort of like that time the Ark of the Covenant, um, melted that guy's face and it was way gross, especially for that guy, probably.

For your reference, here are the movies that are out right now (at least where I am) and what category they fall into:

(500) Days of Summer: THEATER

Aliens in the Attic: DVD

Bandslam: Face-Melter

District 9: THEATER

Funny People: DVD

G.I. Joe: Face-Melter

G-Force: Face-Melter, but could be DVD b/c of Tracy Morgan/Jordan

The Goods: DVD/possible Face-Melter

The Hangover: DVD

Harry Potter: THEATER

Julie & Julia: THEATER

Orphan: DVD

A Perfect Getaway: Face-Melter/DVD

Ponyo: THEATER/DVD

The Proposal: DVD

The Time-Traveler's Wife: DVD

Transformers: Face-Melter

The Ugly Truth: Face-Melter

YOU'RE WELCOME. Please note that I have only actually seen three of these movies, but I feel strongly that I am right about the rest of them.

Regarding the above movies, you should all go see District 9 like, ASAP. Except for you, Heather Anne, because it might be too scary. And Kat, you maybe shouldn't see it on account of it's full of aliens. But the humans are scarier, I promise. Anyway. It's really good and the main guy has an accent and it sounds funny when he says The Eff Word.

This week, Heidi and Tam are in Mexico burning their skin off and drinking tequila, so I am checking in on Harleigh, Tam's smooshed-face cat. Here is a picture of Harleigh. She is adorable and right now she is wearing one of those cone things so she doesn't lick her tummy rash and it only makes her more adorable. Also, she's nice and will let me pet her and pick her up without threatening to bite my face off, unlike some cats, PHOEBE.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm in a good mood today because of A) GOB Bluth, B) quesadillas for dinner, C) smooshed-faced cats, and D) Flight of the Conchords. If you'd been paying attention, I think that was all pretty obvious.

This place is a tomb. I'm going to the nut shop where it's fun.

When I was a kid, I read all the time. Like, ALL THE TIME. A few months ago, my mom was telling me a story about how she was in a waiting room, quite obviously deeply involved with her book (dirty), and someone wouldn't stop trying to have a conversation with her. I was all, "MOM. You used to do that to me all the time!" and she was like, "Well, JENNIE, if I didn't talk to you while you were reading, I'D NEVER HAVE GOTTEN TO TALK TO YOU," because that's how much I read, you guys. TRUTH.

Anyway, I also had this problem in that I thought everything I read was true. I mean, I think I knew that I couldn't really travel to Narnia through a wardrobe and that Ramona Quimby (age 8) was not actually a real person. It was more like I wanted the real world to be more like books, all the time. I wanted to write to Mr. Henshaw and I wanted to run around with Maniac McGee and I dearly, dearly wanted to go to Wayside School, even though it was falling down.

Mostly, though, I wanted to be in The Baby-sitters Club. I went back and forth between which character I wanted to be. Sometimes it was Claudia, with her "keen" fashion sense, but I didn't want to have her mean sister. I did try that thing she did, where she hid food all over her room so she could have fun snacks any time she wanted, but it turns out if you do that in real life, your parents catch you and get mad at you because when they asked you where all the snacks were going, you told them your sister was probably eating them and that, my friends, is called lying and I guess parents don't really like lying or something. But I digress.

Sometimes I wanted to be Mary Anne, but I was already desperately shy and bookish, so that was no good. And sometimes I wanted to be Stacey, but not really because man, she was a Grade-A beeyotch if there ever was one, right? Mostly, I wanted to be Dawn, but only because of her beautiful, long hair and the fact that she lived in a house with SECRET PASSAGEWAYS. I knew our house wasn't anywhere near as old as Dawn's house, but that didn't stop me from searching for secret tunnels in the basement.

But the Club sounded fun, no matter which member you were. Probably because there was absolutely no adult supervision and parents had no problem sending ALL the neighborhood kids off on adventures with 13-year-olds, like remember that one time they all got shipwrecked on an island? I mean, they weren't there long enough for it to get all Lord of the Flies, but still...who sends their kid off on a boat with a 13-YEAR-OLD?!

Unfortunately, I didn't have a boat, but I still thought I'd be a good member. Screw that Red Cross Baby-sitting class I took, I learned way more from The Baby-sitters Club. True story. OK, not really, but they did have those super awesome Kid Kits, full of all sorts of fun stuff to keep little ones occupied. I COVETED those Kid Kits, which I know is a sin or something but there are worse sins so just be glad I'm not out there murdering people or building shrines to the Flying Spaghetti Monster or whatever.

I still sometimes wish that real life was more like books. Less work, more play. Adventures that last pages and pages. Kid Kits. But last night, as I was getting my bag ready for volunteering, I rummaged through some of the stuff I'd collected for it. Stickers. Markers. Play-Doh. Bubbles. And wouldn't you know it? It turns out I'd made my very own Kid Kit, albeit about 15 years late. Maybe this real life thing isn't so bad after all.

hey, guess what

I'm at work right now! Fun times. I have to be here now because 3rd shift has to take this training, too, and like, the only time they're here is 3RD SHIFT. Go figure. So here I sit, yawning my arse off, waiting for the next session to start. There are three of them tonight, and I'm supposed to be finished about 1:30, but I'm shooting for 1. That's in two hours. TWO HOURS. Zzzzzzzzzz. I'm not made to stay up that late on school nights. NO SIR.

Plus, also, I met Joe for dinner before I had to go to the training and something I ate gave me some wicked bad twosies. I'm sorry if that's too graphic for you. Actually, no, I'm not. This is a safe place and I should be allowed to talk about wicked bad twosies if I need to. So, yeah, that happened and then I was all, "WHY TONIGHT? WHYYYYY?" because SERIOUSLY? WHY TONIGHT? I have to talk in front of people and sound like I know what I'm talking about and really all I'm thinking is, "gee, I hope that Immodium keeps working, otherwise this could get really embarrassing."

And then Joe was like, "is anyone else going to be there with you?" and I was like, "um, yeah, all the guys I'm training," and he was all, "so just you and a bunch of guys?" and I was like, "yeeeeaaaaaah, so?" and he was like, "maybe I should go with you and protect you," and I said, "hello, there's a security guard who will totally come save me if anything bad happens," except when I got here the security guard was on his phone but it's OK because I made friends with some engineer dude in the office who is here for some reason really late and I know I can trust him because my dad is an engineer. It's also his birthday. My dad, not my new engineer friend. Happy Birthday, Dad!

Wow, I think it's time for me to go get ready for the next session now. And maybe get some fresh air. And some Diet Coke.

file under: procrastination

I opened my work e-mail to approximately 60 new messages this morning. I finally made it through all of them so I at least know what they say, but I'm scared of the amount of work I have to get through this week. So, of course, I'm blogging instead of getting started on any of it. I make good decisions.

Speaking of good decisions, you know what isn't one? Drinking 20 four-ounce samples of beer when it's 90 degrees outside. OK, that's a lie. I regret nothing, even though I passed out at 8 o'clock on Saturday night, after scarfing down delicious waffle fries, and then woke up at 4 AM all WIDE AWAKE. Oops.

The good part about going to a beer tasting that starts at 2 is that it's over at 6 and you have all night to sober up, meaning no hangover the next day. I'm a fan of that. I still ended up sitting and doing nothing in the AC all of Sunday since it was a billion degrees outside. Until I had to rescue Joe, that is, on account of his car started, um, smoking when he was driving down 75. I'm not a car expert or anything but I think when your car starts smoking, that's probably not good. So my point is, Joe is car shopping this morning.

Today is detox day seeing as how I consumed nothing but beer and junk food all weekend. Friday night was going well, until we went to see To Kill a Mockingbird and they were handing out free popcorn. Who turns down free popcorn? Crazy people, that's who. You know who turns down free popcorn? People who don't like The Beatles. I didn't believe those people existed but they do and I want to punch them because not liking The Beatles means you're missing an important part of your soul. I'm certain that I'm right about this. Anyway.

This morning, I had every intention of getting up early and working out but I'm not sure why I even pretend I'm going to do this because I never do. Which means I have to do it tonight and do you know how much motivation I have to go running after work? It's pretty close to NONE. Is there something less than NONE? Because that's what it is. It's like NONE minus 10.

don't care how, I want it now

In just a bit, Joe and I are going to go meet my parents and various other family members at a beer tasting. What, what does your family do to bond? We're headed out in 90+ degree weather even though a person with any common sense at all would just go buy a bunch of beer and have their own mini-tasting at home and soak up the AC. I've never claimed to have common sense, though.

I'm going to try and be on my best behavior, but I'm sort of afraid I'll end up running around like Veruca Salt in the chocolate factory. You know, a bit like this:

respect my authoritah!

Right after I first started my new job, we had this meeting. And at this meeting, my uberboss explained that we'd be starting a bunch of training sessions in a couple of months, and that they needed volunteers to help lead them. Having just started with the company, I was anxious to TOTALLY BROWN-NOSE and so I volunteered immediately.

It's now a couple of months later and the training has begun. I was given a binder on how to facilitate training (whoo) and a ready-made Powerpoint presentation (hoo) so I thought it seemed pretty foolproof.

Well. Yesterday was the first day and, since I'd never led this particular training before, I observed during two sessions. One of the sessions went fine. Sure, no one really talked, which can be frustrating, but there were no problems.

But the other session. The other session made me scared in my very soul. You see, the employees who are coming to these sessions are all factory employees. The office employees all complete this training WITH TECHNOLOGY because, duh, they all have computers. But the factory employees don't have access to computers because where would they put them? On the floor next to the HUGE, GRINDING MACHINES OF DEATH? Note: I don't actually know if there are HUGE, GRINDING MACHINES OF DEATH in the factory, but I'm assuming so because that's what it sounds like.

In any case, my training cohort told me that whenever she leads these training sessions, sometimes all any of the employees want to do is complain about how much their supervisors/jobs suck and how they are treated unfairly and WAH WAH give me my blankie, I'm tired and need a nap. Which is annoying. The office employees are too lazy to get up and complain to our faces, they complain through e-mail instead. Anyway, my cohort said that sometimes she has to be all Mistress of Pain and tell them to STFU so the meeting doesn't last eight hours. I didn't quite believe her. Until yesterday. When she went all Mistress of Pain and told them to STFU because they wouldn't stop complaining about how their managers beat them with chains and don't let them go to the bathroom and also one time looked at them funny and it hurt their feelings.

After she yelled at them, there was an awkward silence and then she went back to the Powerpoint. Certain employees looked disgruntled and certain employees looked amused and I looked like I was going to poop my pants because I have to start training next week and THEY ARE GOING TO EAT ME ALIVE. I'm not really much of a YELLER when I get angry. I'm more of an "I'm not going to talk to you for a while" type of person when I'm mad (ask Joe, hee) and I don't think I'm allowed to just click through the presentation without saying anything and if they decide to go all Lord of the Flies, I just know I'm going to be the one who gets smooshed by a big rock.