Friday, February 27, 2009

I can has Tumblr?

Yes. Yes, I can.

bottom of the barrel

So it would seem I forgot I had a blog. Oops. I was going to write, I really was, but all I had to talk about was coughing and phlegm and Vicks Vapor Rub and nobody wants to hear about that. I'm feeling a bit better today, though, and by that I mean I'm not staring daggers at the clock, wishing for time to go faster so I can go home and put my pajamas on and sit in a drug-induced vegetative state in front of the television. Also, it's Friday. And payday. I enjoy both of those, even though I'm doing this thing where I pretend most of the money in my checking account is not there. I can't spend it if it's not there. This is my reasoning.

I think the drugs are starting to affect my dreams, because last night I dreamt I was at the Inauguration, only it was in this really small concert venue and Barack Obama was wearing the whole graduation get-up (cap and gown and tassels and sashes), which I suppose makes a bit of sense because he was graduating from being awesome to being super awesome. So I'm watching the ceremony and then Barack Obama started singing. I don't remember what song it was but I do remember thinking he had a lovely singing voice. I was way in the back and couldn't see much, so I started inching closer and closer because I'm stealthy like that (until I trip over something or fall over) and soon I was standing right behind the good seats, where all the famous people were sitting. I was standing behind Brian Williams and when he saw me, he jumped up and told me to follow him and I was all, "Sure, Brian Williams, I like your tie, let's go." So then he was all, "Do you know how to drive a taxi?" and I was like, "If a taxi is anything like A CAR, then yes, I can drive a taxi," and he was all, "Thanks, SMART ASS," and I was like, "Chill OUT, Brian Williams, it's a good day!" Then he gave me a taxi and it looked like one of those old, run-down taxis from The Royal Tenenbaums and I drove around for a long time the streets were empty on account of everyone was either AT the Inauguration or WATCHING the Inauguration. Except for me and Brian Williams, of course. Then I woke up and was pissed because I didn't get to see Obama's big encore. The end!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

grace in small things

  1. responsibility-free Saturdays
  2. Raising Arizona
  3. bouts of productivity
  4. February is almost over, which means it's almost March, which means it's almost SPRING
  5. penguin finger puppets! (!!!!!) (thanks, kat!)

Friday, February 20, 2009

grace in small things

  1. I got my tax refund today
  2. and even though I'm not going to spend it, it's nice to know it's there
  3. Thin Mints
  5. Dude. Andy Runton commented on The Collective.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Remember on Lost? When they met the Others?

It's snowing sideways. I don't even know why it's snowing. It's uncalled for. It got really warm and sunny and nice a couple weeks ago and so I just assumed winter was over. Which is really stupid considering I've lived in Ohio forever. The weather, it changes quickly here. When I moved in with Heidi, it was around April 20th or something, and I loaded all the crap from my old apartment into the moving truck on a Friday. It snowed. In April. And then the next day it was sunny and 65. This is what I mean when I say it was really stupid of me to think winter might be over.

Did anyone think Lost kind of sucked last night? Because I thought Lost kind of sucked last night. That said: SPOILER ALERT!

So, the episode opens and Kate, Hurley, and Jack are all back on the island and I was all "YESSSSSSS," although I was sort of curious about how, you know, they got back there. And then there was a flashback and it lasted the WHOLE EPISODE and I got pissed that things weren't moving faster. Also, wtf happened to Aaron? Did Kate lose him in a bet or something? And why did Ben look like he'd gotten in a fight with the smoke monster? How did Hurley know to be at the airport? Did Charlie tell him? Is that why he had a guitar? Is Charlie going to come back to life? Will he be less annoying if he does? WHY WON'T THIS SHOW ANSWER MY QUESTIONS? Anyway. Joe has been watching the show with me, which I'd imagine is really confusing for him considering he's never seen any of the other seasons. Sometimes he'll ask me a question and it goes something like this:

Joe: Who is that?
Me: Desmond.
Joe: Was he on the island?
Me: Yes, but he wasn't on the plane when it crashed.
Joe: Oh, so he was an Other?
Me: No.
Joe: . . .
Me: Heh.
Joe: But he was on the island.
Me: Yes, he sailed a boat there.
Joe: Oh.
Me: I think.

It's hard to answer questions when the backstory is so complicated that I can't even really remember because it's been 85 years since I've seen Season 1 and I've forgotten lots and lots of stuff. It's a good thing Joe has Netflix, he needs to catch up on Lost POST HASTE so he can tell me what's going on.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

grace in small things: day whatever

  1. Catchphrase (jeepers creepers!)
  2. WALL-E cupcakes (plus WALL-E ring!)
  3. The Biggest Loser is on tonight (now with smaller Losers!)
  4. Finding old CD mixes (memories!)
  5. Superhero cocktails (heh, cocktails)

Monday, February 16, 2009

In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland.

I had all these things to write today. I think. And now I don't remember what any of them were. I'm sure it was fascinating stuff, so I'm sorry you don't get to read it. I am happy to report that my weekend was A+ awesome. Much better than last weekend. Although, considering I spent much of last Sunday getting up close and personal with my toilet, this weekend didn't have to do much to be awesome. But it was awesome even if you don't compare it to puke. I'm going to stop saying awesome now. Awesome. OK, that was the last one.

Nancy came over on Friday, and brought two bottles of wine to go with the Papa Murphy's we'd picked up. Unfortunately, she had to leave early and pick up her parents from the airport but that didn't stop Heidi and I from staying up until 3 in the morning drinking rum and playing Raving Rabbids 3 on Wii. You play part of that game with your butt. True story. I would tell you how fun it is but HELLO we stayed up until 3 in the morning playing it and YOU PLAY IT WITH YOUR BUTT. How much more endorsement do you need?

When we eventually woke up on Saturday, we managed to drag ourselves to Cracker Barrel (MMM) and Target. While we were waiting for them to call our name at the restaurant, we were perusing the merchandise in the waiting area (like you do) when this overly-helpful worker noticed us staring at all the stuff hanging from the ceiling. It went a little something like this:

Him: I'll bet you girls aren't even old enough to recognize most of that stuff.
Us: Huh?
Him: I don't even know what most of that stuff is.
Us: OK.
Him: Yep, they don't really go over any of that in our orientation.
Us: You don't say.
Him: Yeah. Well, over there is a toy tractor. And that's an old vacuum. I don't know what that thing is.
Us: Wow.
Him: Someone told me that just have a warehouse full of this stuff!
Us: Um . . .
Him: And when a new store opens up, they just go to the warehouse and load up a truck!
Us: . . .
Him: That'd be a fun job.
Us: . . .
Him: To just buy all this stuff.

That's when we started inching away. Anyway. Moving on.

It was an epic trip to Target, for sure, mostly because the $1 spot had lots of fun stuff so I stocked up on useless crap. Whoo! We eventually made it out of Target and back home, and I thought since it was Valentine's Day and all, I would shower and try and make myself look presentable. Joe and I didn't do anything particularly Valentiney. We went to dinner and it was DELICIOUS and then we watched the most romantic movie ever. Yes, that movie is about killer slugs from space that turn people into zombies. But whatever. It has Nathan Fillion in it and I heart him. He's Captain Hammer. Plus also, it was sort of awesome (shit) even though it was really, really gross but it was about slug-zombie-monsters so, you know, DUH. I know it's not a typical Valentine's Day movie, but honestly, who wants to be typical?

One reason we didn't go all out on celebrating Valentine's Day is that Joe's birthday was the very next day and on a scale from meh to awesome (oops), I think Valentine's Day is more on the meh side. While OBVIOUSLY birthdays are all up on the awesome side. Anyway, my plan was to cook him dinner, which I guess I technically did, but he ended up helping with some stuff, like putting the chicken on the pan (because raw chicken is icky) and also taking things in and out of the oven (because of my tendency to burn myself on, well, everything), but I totally cooked the biscuits and the cheesy broccoli (in the microwave, shut it) and the homemade cookies that may or may not have involved transferring pre-made cookie dough to a cookie sheet. It's the thought that counts, right? Right. Tonight, his friends are throwing him a party and, while it's not a surprise, certain elements are unknown to him. Mwaahaahaahaahaa. Ha.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date! Ha, JK, I'm never late.

You guys, it was as windy as a windicane last night. I was a little worried about the power going out for 80 days again but all my worrying was for NAUGHT. As usual. I worry a lot about stupid things, is what I'm saying. I think a lot of this is because I'm a planner. I plan everything. I plan my evenings, even if I have nothing to do. I'll be all, "first I will go home, and then I'll work out and shower, and by then it will be 6:30, and if I make and eat dinner, it'll be about 7 and then I will read and then I will watch TV and then I will hug the Internet and then I will go to bed." And if there's a kink in my plan, I worry. And then I have a tiny breakdown and then I'm OK.

I like to have a plan and I LOVE to make lists. It's comforting. I'm not one of those people who usually accepts last minute invitations to do things, because most of the time I've already planned something and even if that plan is to DO LAUNDRY, I don't like rearranging my schedule. Because, see, I plan so much so I can utilize my free time to the fullest. If I can figure out the most efficient way to get all my shit done, that leaves the most time to do . . . nothing. And since nothing is what I prefer to spend most of my time doing, this is ideal. (Nothing = reading, writing, scouring the internet for things I don't need, Wii, TV, movies, etc.) This is why I'm always on time or early for things and why my head explodes a little when I have plans with someone and they are late. I can't help it. It's the way I'm wired. I'm a control freak and I've learned to accept it NAY embrace it.

All this means my brain is busy a-planning today, because I have dinner with Joe and his parents tonight, and Thursday night TV with Heidi, and dinner and wine and Wii with Heidi and Nancy tomorrow night, and Saturday is Valentine's Day, and Sunday is Joe's birthday, and Monday is Joe's birthday party, and Tuesday is volunteering and I'm already exhausted by all the fun and excitement. It's going to be hard to squeeze in any nothing time, but I think I can do it. After all, I've had almost 27 years of plan-for-nothing experience.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Don't say "bucks." It's not lady-like.

Thanks for the well-wishes, Internets. I'm feeling much better and PUKING NO MORE. Which = awesome. I hate puking. So very much. I mean, I guess no one really likes puking, but I like to think I hate it more than other people. I don't know why.

I was still feeling shitty this morning and I think it was because A) I hadn't eaten anything, B) I knew I had to go back to work and C) I sort of inadvertently gave up caffeine. Oops. See, this is what I ate on Sunday: a piece of toast, 3 Ritz crackers, a bowl of chicken noodle soup. And this is what I threw up on Sunday: a piece of toast, 3 Ritz crackers. I'm not sure why I'm still talking about puking. I know everyone already knows what it's like to throw up and that my vomit is nothing special, but I like to think that it is. (It's not.)

Anyway, so I didn't have any caffeine on Sunday or yesterday or today, unless you count the tiny bit that's in green tea which I don't think really matters that much when I normally drink a bajillion cups of coffee a day. It works out well, though, because I've been wanting to give up caffeine or at least cut down on the amount of coffee I drink, so this getting sick thing was sort of good. Also, I might pretend that I gave up caffeine for Lent, even though that hasn't started yet, because I've never given up anything for Lent before. Probably not, though, because I just remembered I bought like three 12-packs of Coke zero. I can't just NOT drink it. It might go bad.

I wish I had more exciting stories to share with you, but this morning was the first time I'd left the apartment since Sunday. Unless you count when I took the trash out yesterday WHICH I DON'T even though it left me feeling like I'd just run a marathon. What a loser. I did manage to do my taxes. Federal taxes, anyway. And everyone knows that federal taxes are the important ones. Suck it, Ohio. I also watched like five hours of The Biggest Loser and YEP cried every episode. Again, I say, what a loser.

Also, I haven't done this in 69 days, so I think now is the perfect time:

Grace in small things --
  1. reconciling with a friend
  2. TV marathons when I'm sick
  3. endless Internet when I'm sick
  4. 7-UP when I'm sick (I can't drink it any other time, because it reminds me of being sick)
  5. um, staying in my pajamas all day and not feeling bad about it because I'm siiiiiiiick.


Sunday, February 08, 2009

weekend recap: WARNING, there is vomit involved

So, I started doing Weight Watchers again because Wii Fit kept calling me a fatass, and last night Joe and I split some cheese fries, and I felt sort of guilty about them (only not at all, because they were SO GOOD) but I don't think it really matters because I just vomited up everything I've eaten since like, Thanksgiving.

That's right, folks, it's stomach flu time! Whoo! Luckily, I knew it was coming because this morning I started having stomach cramps and I was all, "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT," because it was exactly how I felt the LAST time I got the stomach flu. But anyway. I had time to go to Rite Aid and buy the essentials: Pepto Bismol, 7-UP, chicken noodle soup. I've utilized both the Pepto and the 7-UP but considering I couldn't keep down the one thing I've eaten today (toast), I think I may save the soup until tomorrow.

Also! Things could be worse. I have a comfortable bed. Warm pajamas. Hot tea. And Heidi, Joe, and my parents have all offered to bring me anything I might need, which is good because I don't think I should be in public looking the way I do. I would scare children, I swear. PLUS there's an America's Next Top Model marathon on right now, and that's like the best thing ever to watch when you're sick. Because you can fall asleep through an episode or two and when you wake up, it's still on and you don't have to work up the energy to change the channel.

I didn't just throw up this weekend, though. I also visited my grandma and my aunt and went running and saw Coraline. I'm just glad The Stomach Flu held off until I was done with all that stuff.

Friday, February 06, 2009

We start with the dummy, and we learn from our mistakes, and now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person.

Good morning, Internets! I have two good pieces of news. 1! My grandma's surgery went very well, so thank you for all of your good thoughts. She's still in the hospital recovering, but they're really hopeful that this surgery will help her.

And 2! It's Friday. FINALLY. Longest week ever, am I right? Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? Sorry, I still have Groundhog Day stuck in my head. It's weird to have a whole movie stuck in your head, you know? Like, I should probably go home and watch it RIGHT NOW because otherwise I'll just be distracted all day and we can't have that, even though that's pretty standard for, um, any day.

So, I've had to have someone from IT come to my office TWICE this week because once my backup battery blew up or something and also the plug in the wall stopped working and it was not good. The other time, I needed to have them install something so I could run a program blah blah blah, this is why I need administrative authority, because I shouldn't have to BEG someone to install iTunes. OK, that's not what they were installing but it SHOULD have been.

Anyway. I hate calling IT because they treat me like an idiot. I mean, I get why they have to, because they have people calling because their mouse isn't working and it's because it's not plugged in or their computer isn't turned on or something ridiculous. But, while I'm not a computer expert of any sort, I at least try to fix the problem myself before I call them. Because the first thing they tell me to do whenever I call is restart my computer. So I do that before I call them. And then! They make me do it anyway! Because they don't believe me! Assholes. And when my battery blew up, this is the conversation I had with the guy on the phone:

Me: Hi, this is Jennie in HR. Um, my computer just turned off for no raisin.
IT: What?
Me: I think the battery blew. The computer turned off, the battery beeped like crazy, and then it just stopped.
IT: Your battery shouldn't have done that.
Me: ...I know.
IT: Did it come unplugged?
Me: Excuse me?
IT: Did the battery come unplugged for some reason?
Me: No. It's not unplugged. I can see it right now and it's plugged in.
IT: Could you lean down there and check?
Me: ...SURE.
IT: ...
Me: It's still plugged into the wall.
IT: OK, can you press the power button.
Me: Okaaaaaaay. Well, the power light flashes green for a second, then a big red X flashes, and then everything goes dark.
IT: Weird.
Me: Yeah.
IT: And it's plugged in?
Me: YES.
IT: OK. I'll be up to take a look at it.
Me: Can't wait.

I feel kind of bad, because I think employees like me are even worse than the employees who don't know how to find the toolbar (heh, toolbar) because we THINK we could fix it ourselves if only we had administrative rights. This time, though, was a complete fluke. It turns out some sort of fuse blew and the outlet the battery was plugged into stopped working. So the IT guy moved it and plugged it into another outlet and my computer was working fine. Unfortunately. I always hope that they won't be able to fix my computer and my boss will just send me home for the day. Sigh. Dream big, Jennie. Dream big.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

this morning I hit myself in the face with my car door

Yesterday morning, I woke up to my cell phone vibrating away on my nightstand. Weird, I thought, I wonder what that's all about. Then I realized that OH someone was calling me. Really early. I squinted at the phone and saw it was one of my parents calling. OH NO OH NO OH NO, my brain screamed, because NOT ONLY do my parents never call me in the morning, but my grandma is having surgery ON HER BRAIN today. I almost didn't want to pick up the phone, because everyone knows if you just ignore problems or bad things they go away forever.

Me: Hello?
Me: Jesus.
Mom: Did you know Joe's dad is on the news?
Me: ...what?
Mom: Joe's dad. He's on the news with his barbershop quartet.
Me: Oh, yeah. He told me.
Mom: ...I thought you might be watching it.
Me: No.
Mom: ...
Me: I'm gonna go back to sleep now.
Mom: OK!

Geez, Mom. Give a girl a heart attack, why don't you? So, yes, my grandma is having brain surgery today. I don't think it's SUPER SUPER serious, and it's similar to the one she had last year, but it's a bit more invasive and, you know, they're poking around in her brain. That never seems quite right to me. Anyway, my point is, please think good thoughts today. That is all. I hope everyone is having a super Thursday. I keep thinking it's Friday. That has happened to me every day this week since TUESDAY. I blame the groundhog BECAUSE I CAN.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

QUESTION: If you woke up today to hear Sonny and Cher singing "I've Got You, Babe," would you or would you not poop yourself?

OK. Maybe you wouldn't poop yourself. I'd hope that at your age you have more control over your bowels than that. But wouldn't you FREAK OUT? I would. I'd smash my alarm clock and then call in sick to work, because whatever, it's not like it would matter. Today would just start over tomorrow. So this is what I would have done today, had I not gone to work on account of I was stuck in some sort of Groundhog Day loop and there were NO CONSEQUENCES:

Um, nothing. I would have done nothing. My idea of a perfect day is one in which I am in my pajamas for most of it and I don't have to leave the apartment, unless it's to do something fun like go to the movies or a bar. A bar with food and cheap drinks.

That's what we did Friday. Also, Saturday. Oh, but real quick I have a story about Groundhog Day. This one time, Joe and I were watching an episode of Chuck. It was the one where this dude crashes his car into the Best Buy Buy More and he takes everyone hostage and his name is Ned Rhyerson which is the same name as the annoying guy who accosts Bill Murray on the street every day. Also! Carl Winslow is in the movie reprising his role as Sgt. Powell from Die Hard. I dare you not to think that is awesome. I dare you!

Anyway, my point is, this weekend was fun, aside from a bit of vomiting. The vomiting wasn't a result of drinking, and it wasn't me doing the vomiting, although the vomiting did take place in my apartment. Let's not talk about that anymore. On Friday, Joe and I went to dinner at this delicious, delicious steak place and ate delicious steak and I ate a mountain of (delicious) mashed potatoes. There was this table of older couples sitting next to us, and the wine, it was a-flowing. At one point, they were talking about which was better -- Google or Yahoo, which (I guess) led to a discussion of instant messaging, which THEN led to this old guy saying, "Hey, how are you doing? LOL, laugh out loud, SMILEY FACE." It was awesome. Then he started talking about typing with one hand so I stopped listening.

After my dinner date with Joe, I headed to a drinks date with Heidi and we split a pitcher of magical beer. I say it was magical because it only cost $4. It was so magical that Steve, Heidi, and I went back again the following night. This time the magical beer gave us the power to ROCK OUT on Guitar Hero: World Tour. We played until I couldn't really see anymore, on account of I don't blink when I play that game LEST I MISS A NOTE. The best part was Heidi singing No Sleep Til Brooklyn. We all discovered that we didn't know any words to that song except these - no, sleep, til, Brooklyn. So Heidi made up her own words and then did a little freestyle rap at the end. I wish I'd recorded it, it was that good.

Then, of course, yesterday was The Puppy Bowl and also I think there was some football or something going on but I'm not sure because I was too busy planning to steal Schroder, the husky-beagle (Busky? Heagle? Beasky? Husgle?) who kept falling asleep on the field. After The Puppy Bowl I ate so much spicy chili that I still have heartburn. That's not going to stop me from eating the leftover chili my mom gave me, though. I do eventually learn from my mistakes, but only after I make them a couple of times.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

grace in small things (day 10)

  1. super spicy chili
  2. The Puppy Bowl
  3. Schroder (he fell asleep on the field!)
  4. Lysol disinfectant spray (long story)
  5. lazy Sundays