Thursday, March 31, 2005

Lost conversation

Dad, after Boone fell out of a tree in a plane and then the plane like flipped over and landed on him*: How funny would it be if he died in THIS plane crash.

Me: Heh. Yeah.

Mom: You two are demented.

*Sorry if you don't watch Lost, but seriously, why don't you? And also? If you hadn't watched it yet, sorry for ruining the ending. Kind of.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005


I'm sitting here alone at work, waiting for 4:30 to roll around so I can go enjoy the beautiful weather, drinking this strawberry flavored Fruit 2 o stuff and thinking how much better it would taste if I could throw some vodka in it.

sunny, partly cloudy

This morning when I left for work, I was pleasantly surprised to walk outside and realize I didn't need a jacket. It was 50 degrees, but the sun made it feel warmer.

What is it about nice days like this that make me feel so nostalgic? And not in the sad, pouty way that rainy days do. Driving to work, my arm hanging out the open window, I was suddenly back in high school. Those last few weeks of senior year went by so fast. At times that was good, but there were some moments I wanted to stretch out forever. Like rides home from school with my friend Sarah. Windows down. Blink 182 blasting on the car stereo. Sitting in English with the horrid Mrs. Myers, staring out the window, knowing that I was almost done, almost free, almost ready to GET GOING already.

Something about this morning just brought back that old excitement. The weather is exactly the way it was junior year of college, the day Mary, Erin, Kate, and I left for Spring Break. We all rushed through midterms and sat through tedious classes held by professors who just didn't want to give us the pleasure of leaving for Spring Break early. We all met at Kate's car at 2, suitcases in hand, ready to hit the road. It took us approximately .25 seconds to pack the car, put the "Get the Hell Out of Ohio" CD mix I'd made into the CD player, and squeal out of campus for a week of camping and exploring in Fort Myers. We tried out 4 or 5 different beaches, went to Sanibel, ate at the Mucky Duck, got stuck in many, many traffic jams, went to the nature reserve with the funny name that now I can't even remember the name of, and even though we probably spent more time in Kate's car than at the actual beach, I couldn't imagine having had a better time.

I'd give anything to take that trip again. Now, Erin is in New York, Mary's in Brazil, and Kate is in soon to be in Malawi with the Peace Corps for THREE YEARS (lalala, I'm not listening).

I know the chances of us taking another trip like that any time soon are unlikely. But on a day like today, anything feels possible.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

it's just a coincidence that American Idol is on during that time, right?

Wow, in the span of almost 10 minutes (between 8:18 PM and 8:29 PM) tonight, there were NINE searches all along the lines of, "drunk Paula Abdul."

UPDATE: 50 searches in an hour an a half. Paula, get some help.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

pretend you're at a restaurant

Mom: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp

Was that necessary?


Let's all pretend we're at a restaurant, ok?

Me: Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp

Mom: I know who you get THAT from.

Dad: Would you do that in a restaurant?

Me: Yes.

These fries taste weird.

Mom: Yeah, they have a different seasoning on them.

Dad: They taste like sweaty feet.

Me: This restaurant sucks.

Laziest. Entry. Ever.

1. What time did you wake up this morning?
9:30. Yes, on a Saturday.

2. Diamonds or pearls?

Hmm. I'm torn. Pearls.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

This is embarrassing, but I think it was Phantom of the Opera. Yeah. It sucked.

4. What is your favorite TV show?

Scrubs or Arrested Development.

5. What did you have for breakfast?


6. Peach yogurt or granola?
Granola. I can't eat yogurt EVER because in my 9th grade biology class, we all had to make our own yogurt and then TASTE it and it was the most disgusting thing I've ever experienced.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?

Lean. Hahahahaha, I kill me.

8. What foods do you dislike?

Tomatoes. Lobster. Ok, most seafood.

9. What is your favorite crisp flavor?

WTF? Um. Chips?

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?

Well, I still listen to the Garden State soundtrack A LOT.

11. What kind of car do you drive?

An Oldsmobile. It's turquoise. Sometimes the gas-tank cover doesn't stay shut. It's hot.

12. Favorite sandwich?

Turkey on wheat.

13. What characteristics do you despise?

Taking things too seriously, hypocrisy, making drama out of EVERYTHING

14. Favorite items of clothing?
Tennis shoes.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?

16. What color is your bathroom?

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
I don't care as long as it's cheap.

18. Where would you retire to?
Somewhere warm and possibly outside the U.S.

19. Favorite time of the day?
The ride home from work.

20. What was your most memorable birthday?
My 21st, but I don't know if memorable is the word I'd use.

21. Where were you born?
Kettering, OH.

22. Favorite sport to watch?

23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?
Your mom.

24. What book are you reading now?
All In My Head by Paula Kamen. It's about how the author has had the same headache for over 10 years.

25. What fabric detergent do you use?
I don't know. The blue kind?

26. Coke or Pepsi?
I just can't get enough of that Coke. (10 points to whoever can say what that's from)

27. Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Definitely a night owl.

28. What is your shoe size?

29. Do you have any pets?
Ripley, a chocolate lab with bald ears and a cropped tail. Fish. A fish.

30. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with your friends?
Um. I think I'm going to start looking for an apartment. Whoohoo!

31. What did you want to be when you were little?
A writer. Or a ballerina.

32. What are you doing today?
Well, today is more than half over and all I've really done is clean a lot. What an exciting Saturday.

Friday, March 25, 2005

pass the babies, please

When did "liberal" become a dirty word? An insult? I'm a liberal, so obviously I:

do drugs

support extra-marital affairs

hate the troops

hate the US

want to give all pregnant women abortions

want to murder Terri Schiavo

don't believe in God

have no morals

want everyone to be gay

want to take away straight people's children and give them to prostitutes (bonus points if they are gay prostitutes)

was happy on 9/11

am a terrorist

love Saddam

hate old people

hate poor people

hate religious people

hate Republicans

hate all Americans, actually

want to pass out condoms to 5 year olds

love trees more than people

worship Satan

eat babies

by the moon and the stars in your eye? wtf?

Last night on the way home from work, All 4 One's "I Swear" came on the radio. And I don't know whether to be proud or ashamed of the fact that I STILL know all the words. Although, for the longest time I thought they were saying, "by the moon and the stars in your eye," rather than "in the sky."

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

on my knees

Will someone please please PLEASE e-mail me so when I check my e-mail every 2 minutes I don't see a sad, empty Inbox?

I'll be your best friend.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

word salad, mmm

Dear Guy at Subway,

I did not say white bread, I said wheat. I did not say roast beef, I said chicken. Most importantly, I said "a little bit of mayo" not "please squirt an inch-thick of mayo onto my sandwich because I want to have a heart attack later." Now I'm gonna have to wipe that shit off with a napkin while the people at the next table stare at me like I'm crazy.


PS: Please restock the chips. You're always out of Sun Chips and I do not approve.

Furthur proof that I am in need of some kind of pill, Example #1:

My dog goes nuts when you say certain words. For instance, the following words will send her into a frenzy: treat, french fry, bacon, food, hungry, laser, outside, walk, flashlight, and Bueller (yeah, we don't know either). There haven't been any new words added to this lexicon in a while so I decided to start calling her treats "falafels."

I think it's catching on.

Example # 2:

I was given the relatively simple task of calling a patient. When they answered, I forgot my name, I forgot the name of the place I work, I forgot the name of the patient, and I forgot why I was calling. I'm pretty sure the patient thinks my boss lets me work there because he feels sorry for me.

Example # 3:

My sister sometimes gets unnaturally mad at me, and instead of walking away I try to see just how mad I can make her. Last night, she threatened to do something to my stuff, so I told her if she did I was going to poop in her bed. Yeah, you heard me. Poop in her bed. Look, if I knew why these things flew out of my mouth I wouldn't need medication, ok?

Most people would either look grossed out and discontinue the conversation (boring people with no sense of humor) or crack up (like I did). My sister ACTUALLY THOUGHT I WAS SERIOUS which is ridiculous because I don't even like pooping in public restrooms, let alone someone else's bed.

Tonight, I asked her if she found the present I left her in her bed and she got REALLY angry. She shouted, "DID YOU POOP IN MY BED?" which OF COURSE made me start giggling. And she kept shouting it and I kept laughing harder and harder until my dad came up and asked her what the hell she was shouting about.

Imagine a 22-year-old "adult" try to explain to her father, while wearing Pebbles pajama pants and laughing so hard she's crying and is having difficulty breathing, that she threatened to poop in her sister's bed and you will realize why I need to be on some sort of medication.

Even now, as I write this, I'm picturing her yelling, "DID YOU POOP IN MY BED?" and I am LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.

Pass the pills, please.

back to the future

This morning when my alarm went off, I hit snooze and thought, "I just won't shower before class."

Seven minutes later when it went off again, I turned it off and thought, "I won't go to class this morning."

Two minutes later, I bolted out of bed, heart racing, when I realized I was no longer in a position to be skipping class and I was about to skip work. And that is not an option. I am a responsible, tax-paying, bargain-hunting, go-to-bed-early (ok, most of the time), ADULT now.

Besides, if I skip work I don't get paid.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

you may want to sit down

A couple weekends ago, when we were at Bargo's celebrating The Birth of Stiffie ™, I made a somewhat shocking confession that was very difficult for me to make and was, apparently, quite distressing to some of my friends (other than Beau . . . and Stiffie, I think, but she wasn't talking to me at that point NEVER MIND LONG STORY). I'm here right now to make it again. And here it is . . .

I. Don't like. Seinfeld.

There. I said it. I understand I may have upset quite a few of you. I understand that Seinfeld has some very rabid fans. I'm not one of them. I'll admit it. I don't get it. I don't get the appeal. Sure, sometimes it makes me laugh. I like saying, "yada yada yada" as much as the next person. But sometimes the sound of Jerry Seinfeld's voice makes me want to poke chopsticks in my ears until I am bleeding and deaf.

And I'm sorry, but I think George and Kramer are ANNOYING. That's right, I SAID IT.

Apparently, in some groups, this is considered blasphemy. I don't care. I don't HATE Seinfeld. I can understand why some people like it. I'm sure some of you think I'm crazy. I've been there. Once one of my friends said she didn't really like The Simpsons. I LOVE The Simpsons. I love everything ABOUT The Simpsons. So I know what it's like when someone denounces one of your favorite shows.

Just remember that, you know, before you tie me to a stake and set me on fire.

blog-life crisis

I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I've been kind of slacking on posting. Even though I still post almost every day, there's been a lack of substance. I'm not sure exactly why. I know there are things I WANT to write, but lately I've been finding myself holding back.

The main reason, I'm guessing, is because so many people from my real life know about this website. A lot of my family and friends read this, which most of the time I love, but sometimes I just want to write about stuff I don't particularly WANT everyone I know reading. Sure, I can try to be cryptic, but my friends aren't stupid. They're going to guess what or who I'm talking about. I can try to be subtle (not my strong suit) but I know someone would put two and two together. And even if they didn't, they would try and maybe would get something wrong.

Sometimes I think I should just delete this blog and start over and keep things anonymous. But I know myself. I have a big mouth. I suck at keeping secrets. I'm not a good liar. Someone would find out about it, or I'd tell someone and they'd tell someone and so on. So that's no good.

Maybe I just need to get over it. Write what I want and not care what people find out or think.

Or maybe I can just keep talking about inane things like Tim Horton and Time Warner Cable.

Well, shit.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

In case I don't see you

I'm watching The Truman Show, because TBS is showing it for the 4 millionth time. I saw this movie for the first time in the theater. When I walked out to the parking lot, I was super paranoid that there were secret cameras everywhere and that my life was some huge charade. I'd feel bad if my life was a TV show, though. It's not very exciting. I don't really think the world wants to watch me watch TV or write in my blog.

I do still enjoy this movie. I like Jim Carrey a lot more when he's low-key. I think he's exhausted all of his "running around like an assclown" roles. I mean, I love Ace Ventura as much as the next person but you'd have to pay me to watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas, aka How Jim Carrey Ruined a Beloved Children's Character with His Assclownery.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Dear Tim Horton,

I love you, you gentle Canadian. Will you marry me? That is, if you are still alive. I do not go for zombies.

Thank you. Thank you for having delicious soup and bread for CHEAP. Thank you for being open ALL THE TIME. Your coffee got me through many an all-nighter.

And thank you for, this morning, providing me with the Cafe Mocha and blueberry bagel that I so desperately needed. You are not my first love (ahemStarbucks) but you are my most reliable.

Forever yours,

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Time Warner wants me to kill someone

Why else would they play that goddamn Vanessa Carlton "Time is On My Side" commercial EVERY COMMERCIAL BREAK ON EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL?!

It makes my ears bleed.

Monday, March 14, 2005

you may be right, I may be crazy, but it just might be a lunatic you're looking for*

Sometimes I think I have some kind of undiagnosed mental problem. I mean, really. The fact that I am legally allowed to look out for myself sometimes scares the shit out of me.

I can't cook. I probably drink too much for someone not still in college. I can barely take care of a fish. I suck at budgeting money. I have no common sense. I laugh WAY too hard when my dog farts.

Sometimes I ask someone a question and then start daydreaming and forget to listen to the answer. I hate asking people to repeat themselves so if I do this or if I don't hear someone the first time, I just pretend I did and hope they don't catch on.

Probably the worst thing I do is imitate people without realizing it. I don't know if anyone has ever noticed, or if I don't do it as much as I'm afraid I do, or maybe they do realize it and don't say anything because they think I'm "special." See, whenever I see someone making a weird face I automatically make the same one. If they smile, I smile. If they are squinting, I squint.

Even more embarrassing is when I talk to someone with an accent. I have to WILL myself not to imitate them. A British lady called our office today and I was so afraid I'd start "bloody"ing it up.

I think I just like imitating things that I think sound or look different or funny. This is probably why I will repeat movie quotes** OVER AND OVER and I JUST KEEP LAUGHING even though everyone else has long since moved on and I can tell they all want me to shut up BUT I CAN'T OK!?

It's a sickness.

I just don't have the pills for it yet.

* That's Billy Joel. Sometimes I sing it over and over because I LIKE IT AND I'M SICK.
** For instance, "Tina! Come get some ham!"

more like extreme emotional breakdown

If you can watch ABC's Extreme Home Makeover without shedding at least one, tiny tear, you are DEAD inside.

That show makes me emotionally unstable.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

perfection, zombie style

Last night, instead of going out to dinner or to a friend's house or, god forbid, to a bar like I've been doing every other Friday for the past . . . I don't know, I decided to stay in. I put my pajamas on around 5 and settled in front of the TV. I ate dinner while I watched Survivor and The OC and then I rented Shaun of the Dead which was AWESOME. It was the first zombie movie I've ever seen that didn't make me super paranoid afterward that zombies were outside my house waiting to feast on my brains. After I saw Dawn of the Dead I slept with the lights on for like a week and kept thinking of different survival methods should a zombie get into the house. Yeah. I'm a freak. I know.

But at least I have a PLAN if zombies ever attack. So what if it involves hiding in the closet with my dog and a baseball bat.

Friday, March 11, 2005

WTF moment of the day

Today I drove to work behind an SUV with a "Ban China" bumper sticker. And I got confused, because I thought we were still banning France. Does this mean I can't call Chinese food "Chinese food" anymore? Do I have to start calling it something asinine, like Patriotic Sustenance or Tasty Freedom?

Thursday, March 10, 2005

because I've been known to be THAT dumb

The bad thing about having a three hour lunch on Thursdays (and the only bad thing, as far as I'm concerned) is that sometimes I forget that I have to go back to work.

I haven't actually forgotten to go in, but during those three, wonderful hours I'll just be sitting here watching TV and wonder, "what else did I have to do today?"

Oh yeah. Job. Got it.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

split seconds

I was almost in a car accident tonight, and I don't mean a little fender bender, I mean a horrendous crash that probably would have left me and a couple other people injured.

Some woman in oncoming traffic turned left right in front of me, and had I not slammed on the brakes I would have run right into the passenger side of her car. You know, the side that two kids were sitting on. There are probably skid marks on the road where I stopped. I didn't even have time to honk and I ALWAYS make a point to honk at stupid people but I was too freaked out at how freaking CLOSE I came to hitting ANOTHER PERSON.

The rest of the way home, while gripping the wheel and slowing down any time another car came near me (ok, not really), I started thinking about how the littlest things affect us. If I had been going just a little bit faster or if I hadn't noticed that car edging into the intersection or even if I'd been one hundredth of a second slower hitting the brakes I probably wouldn't be sitting here typing this. I'd be in a hospital or still at the scene or sitting downstairs calling all of my friends and complaining about the stupid bitch who ruined my car.

My aunt had surgery today. For breast cancer. She's ok, now, as far as we know, but it was definitely scary. Things might have been different if she'd put off going to the doctor for another week. I guess there's a lesson in it. I think most people tend to brush off little differences in their body, thinking they're just tired or that lump has always been there. I know that's what I'd do. Cancer is a scary word. We like to think it happens to OTHER people. Which is such a stupid thought. Cancer happens to everyone. If you don't have cancer, you know someone who has/had it. It's everywhere.

I guess today made me look at things a little differently. I can't promise the clarity will last. I'm sure tomorrow I'll be back to complaining about late patients or my stupid, white pants. But at least for the moment I can appreciate that everyone I love is alive and relatively healthy. Had the little things today gone just slightly wonky this might have been a very different entry.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

a plea to my brilliant, hilarious, wickedly attractive readers

Do you want to make my entire being happy for one, pure, perfect moment?

All you have to do is help me get a free iPod. Look, I'm even typing iPod right now. Little i, big P.

Please? I will love you forever.

My birthday is coming up, you know.

Look, I just feel like I should warn everyone that I will be posting about this at least once a week until I get a free iPod. Possibly, NO PROBABLY, more like once a day. Really, completing one of the offers and helping me get a free iPod is for your own good.

Please? Don't make me beg. More.

thank you, Google

Today is International Women's Day.

So. Go read about some of the amazing things women have done and if you get a chance, hug a woman today. You probably want to hug someone you know, though, so you don't get maced or arrested or something.

Ok, maybe go with a handshake. Or a nice pat on the back.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Saturday, March 05, 2005

circa 1985

We got our uniforms at work. They're not so much uniforms as the same set of clothing that we all have to wear on the same days so we match. You know. Uniforms. Did you ever noticed that uniforms is one of those words that sounds really weird if you keep repeating it. Uniform. Uni. Form. U. Niform. Uniform. It also rhymes with unicorn, but I'm not sure that means anything.

Anyway. The shirt part of the uniform is fine. We just got regular three-quarter sleeve shirts with collars from Lands End in different colors. And the colors are so pretty. I love them.

But the pants. Yeah. Um. They're white. With elastic at the top. And they're quite see-through. I had to go to Target yesterday to buy white underwear because I realized I only had about one pair. Is that weird? Almost all of my underwear is from Victoria's Secret and it's all sorts of different colors. Does that make me some kind of whore?

Oh well. It's white, cotton panties (I hate the word panties) all the way now.

Friday, March 04, 2005

curiouser and curiouser

I'm just sitting here at work, waiting for the cleaning people to stop vacuuming so I can make some phone calls, and wondering why on earth a CHILDREN'S ORTHODONTIST OFFICE has a Budweiser pen.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

get out the way

I started one of my New Years resolutions about, oh, two months late tonight. I worked out. Yes, instead of sitting on the couch after work in my pajamas, watching reruns of Friends, I hauled my ass to the Rec Center. I used the indoor track because IT'S FREE and all you have to do to use it is live or work in Kettering. It's not very big, but there weren't that many people using it. I love how each lane has a purpose. One for walking, one for walking/passing, one for running, and one for running/passing. It's so orderly. It really appeals to my anal retentive side. I, of course, took my Discman so I wouldn't have to talk to anyone because if there's anything I hate, it's talking to people.

Don't hate me, but I really think I need to get an Ipod. Or some kind of MP3 player. Does anyone have any suggestions for an Ipod-alike that I don't have to sell my firstborn to get?

Also, I've discovered "Move, Bitch" by Ludacris is the BEST SONG EVER to listen to while running on the track. It makes me giggle.

And thanks to Dana for sending nice people here!