All I want for Christmas is this

I keep dreaming about work. But not my current job or anything, because that would be normal. No, I keep dreaming about my old job, which is very annoying as I no longer work there. 

I guess I had a lot more anxiety tied up in my previous job than I realized. The reasons aren't really important. But apparently the anxiety didn't magically go away, even though I haven't worked there in months. I had the most vivid dream about it last night, so vivid that I woke up convinced I was running late, that I needed to get up right away and leave early since it was snowing.

I don't have to be at work until 11:30 today. I woke up at 7:30. So. You do the math.

I don't have anxiety dreams about my new job. Not yet, anyway. Maybe those don't show up until you've been there at least six months. Still. I wish I'd stop dreaming about my old one. I'm not holding my breath or anything, I mean, after all, I had an anxiety dream about high school a while ago and high school is a lot further back than a few months.  

Speaking of work (NICE SEGUE), I had yesterday off so I took my sister to see Catching Fire. We went in the middle of the afternoon and there were about ten other people in the theater, and yet there was still a lady sitting a few rows behind us, explaining specific plot points (loudly, of course) to her husband. She was one of those people who, instead of whispering to her partner during non-silent parts of the movie, would try and speak OVER the loud parts, because OMG what if he couldn't hear her? What if he didn't know that, in the previous movie, Peeta and Katniss had almost eaten poison berries? What if he forgot that Katniss had volunteered for Prim? What if he didn't remember that District 13 supposedly didn't exist? OMG PEOPLE GO HOME AND READ THE BOOKS.

Usually movie-talking sends me into an apoplectic rage. I normally sit there fuming, wishing I could get up and scream, "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUP" into the person's face.

Which. I never do. Not out loud. But my brain always looks like this:

Actually...it's probably more like this:

But it didn't bother me that much yesterday. I thought, "well, maybe he's hard of hearing and he missed that part." I guess I finally remembered the whole "this is water" thing while I was actually IN the moment. Score.

(Though that didn't stop me from passive aggressively complaining about the ongoing idiot commentary within earshot of Talking Lady as we exited the theater. YOU GUYS I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.)

Anyway. I'm finding it hard to get worked up about things lately, especially this morning, as right now I'm sitting on the couch, curled up with Max, a blanket, and a hot cup of coffee, the computer screen illuminated by the Christmas tree next to me. I'm listening to the Muppets sing Christmas carols and snow is falling softly outside. I plan on reading Harry Potter until it's time to leave for work, where I will get to play with puppies and kittens until I come home and hang out with my family for the rest of the evening. No wonder I can't bring myself to get worked up about anything, not even Talky Lady and crazy anxiety dreams. Hopefully it'll stay this way. You know, if the fates allow and all that.

this post has no point but I had fun writing it and isn't that all that matters?

They say everyone has a super power (I mean, right? Someone says that, I'm sure.) and if that's true, mine is...I don't even know what to call it. I'm...really good at recognizing voiceover actors in commercials (or whatever)? (Or whatever...what a great origin story.) Anyway. I identified John Krasinski as the Esurance guy in about two seconds and it wasn't JUST because I used to spend all of my free time watching The Office.

It's not just that, though. Sometimes I can recognize an actor or actress from just seeing them for a split second, even if they're not all that famous and the part they're playing is miniscule at best. (For instance, Cary from The Good Wife is in an episode of Freaks & Geeks for, like, 30 seconds. I'm not sure he even has a name. He is SUPER young. But I totally got him. YOU HEAR ME, HE'S MINE, I GOT HIM.)

In these days of constant internet access, my superpower is kind of moot. But even back before I had an IMDb app on my phone, I could identify an actor and rattle off a list of other shows or movies they'd been in. It was like I had IMDb in my head. I AM IMDb! My friends would be all, "Who is that?" and I'd be like, "Joshua Jackson," and they'd be like, "what do I know him from?" and I'd say, "Dawson's Creek?" and they'd say, "no," and I'd be like, "Urban Legend?" and they'd be like, "whaaa?" and I'd be like, "Mighty Ducks?" and they'd be like, "OH YEAH." (This is a terrible example, everyone knows who Joshua Jackson is, PACEY 4EVA!!!)

I am the Rainman of pop culture. If people are talking about a movie and they can't think of the name, I'm there. If you can't remember the name of the guy who pushed Spike off of the giant tower in Buffy's The Gift, I can tell you it's Joel Grey, who also played the Wizard in Wicked on Broadway. Most recently, it was recognizing Henry Francis (Betty's new husband on Mad Men) on an episode of The X-Files just by his voice. YOU GUYS I FREAK MYSELF OUT SOMETIMES NO JOKE.

But my greatest act of pop culture genius happened the other night (or like...a month ago...I started this post a long time ago, apparently) and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to top it. It came, surprisingly enough, as a result of watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In the episode, they were playing charades or something and Charlie (MY SOULMATE) started with this:





And almost immediately upon him starting the thing with his nose, I shouted, "WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE," and then Joe LOST HIS SHIT when it turned out that's exactly what Charlie was doing. What can I say? It's a gift. And I promise to use my powers for good, at least most of the time.

I added lots of GIFs and videos for you guys because this contains all the words in the universe.

For my next trip down movie-memory lane, I’ve chosen to watch Now & Then, a movie I associate with Casper both because of the Devon Sawa connection AND because I watched both of them eleventy billion times as a kid. But, as much as I loved Casper, my heart really belongs to this coming-of-age tale featuring four best friends.

Look, it’s impossible to watch this movie and not compare it, at least a teensy bit, to Stand by Me, another coming of age story that stars four boys instead of four girls. But while both focus on friendship and the mysteries surrounding death, Stand by Me is clearly the darker of the two, both by benefit of being written by Stephen King and because the boys are taking a trip to see a DEAD BODY.

Compared to that, Now & Then seems much more light and frivolous, though there are some heavier storylines dealing with death and divorce. There’s room for both of them, though, in any child’s movie repertoire. Girls need coming of age stories just as much as boys do, and I guess they could have worse role models (i.e. a Kardashian) than the four young women featured in this movie.

ANYWAY, I’d skip this recap if you don’t have a soft spot for Devon Sawa or GIRL POWER. 

The movie opens with a game of Red Rover. All of the neighborhood children are there, it would seem, and all but four girls are on one team. Those girls are screwed. But no! They call over the nose-picking weakling and he doesn’t break through their arms, but it’s mostly because they totally cheat! They’re not just holding hands, they’re clasping elbows, creating a DOUBLE ARM BARRIER which is not authorized in Red Rover. Everyone knows that.

Yes. Yes, you do.

We find out, via raspy Demi Moore voiceover, that these four girls grew up in Shelby, Indiana, which for the movie’s purposes means: suburbs, quiet, BORING.

Look, the adult-friend parts of this movie are THE WORST so here is what you need to know. Sam is a writer who wears a lot of black, Teeny is a movie star who has been married five times, Chrissy is stuck in the past and still lives in Shelby, Roberta lives both in Shelby and in sin with her ex-boyfriend. You can tell it's been a million years since they all hung out as a group, though it seems like Roberta and Chrissy are still friends. Poor Roberta.

Eventually (blessedly), the movie flashes back to 1970, when the girls are all 12-years-old. They do things like ride bikes! And swing on swings! And take sex quizzes in Cosmo while drinking Coke floats, which are served by Janeane Garofalo, who calls them boys and is apparently a witch! Anyway, their big goal for the summer is to save enough money to buy a tree house. Remember being 12? Jesus.

(pee)wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Later that night, they have a seance in the cemetery because SURE. I mean, actually the whole seance thing is realistic enough (my friends and I used to try to raise spirits all the time, and we also tried the “light as a feather, stiff as a board" thing from The Craft which I just decided I will be watching next) but sneaking out to do it at a cemetery in the middle of the night as a 12-years-old seems a bit much.

They try to raise the spirit of a young boy named “Dear Johnny,” and actually think they’ve done so when they see that his tombstone has been cracked in half. They also run into an old man named “Crazy Pete,” who rides around town on his bike and doesn’t talk to anyone. I don’t really think that’s weird but that could be because I try not to talk to other people unless absolutely necessary.

They decide to figure out what happened to Dear Johnny, so they take a long bike trip to the library in the next town over. Do you see how spoiled we are today? These girls rode at least 10 miles (judging by movie science...at one point they pass a sign that says Greenville: 9 miles YES I WAS PAYING VERY CLOSE ATTENTION) to discover (spoiler alert) basically nothing, which we could do in like 10 seconds of Googling.

The only thing they find out from these old newspapers is that Dear Johnny and his mother died tragically, but the rest of the pages had been torn out so they don’t know why or how. They also find out that Roberta’s mother, who died when Roberta was four, suffered a lot before she died, something that Roberta’s father had lied to her about. SAD.

YOU MOCK MY PAIN.

I forgot how much of the movie happens on this bike trip. On the way to the library, they see the Wormers (smelly boys who torture them earlier in the movie, also DEVON SAWA IS ONE) skinny-dipping, so they steal their clothes. Also, Roberta dives into some shallow water and pretends she’s dead, which really pisses off her friends. Roberta needs grief counseling. Just saying. Then LATER, on the way home, they meet Brendan Frazier who is a hippy from ‘Nam and commiserates with Sam, whose parents are divorcing (though no one knows this) about how adults don’t know shit. Speaking as an adult, I can tell you this is true.

Their next step in solving the Dear Johnny mystery is to go to Janeane Garofalo and get their tarot cards read. Sure. They find out Dear Johnny was murdered.

Later, for no reason, there’s a softball game. Roberta, who rules at all sports (she’s basically Kristy Thomas), gets in a fight with a boy (who, I might add, wasn’t even PLAYING) who says girls can’t play ball. She’s winning the fight but her friends pull her off, at which point this Malfoy ACTUALLY SAYS, “It’s too bad your mother’s dead, someone needs to teach you to act like a girl.” WHAT A DICK. Roberta goes after him again but Samantha throws her out of the way and tackles him instead. FIGHT. This is the best part of the movie, you guys. You remember that “you play ball like a girl” kid from The Sandlot? These girls would have eaten him for breakfast.

Unfortunately, Samantha’s post-fight high doesn’t last long because she goes home to find her mom on a date with Hank Azaria. She...doesn’t handle it well. She goes to Teeny’s and they decide to try out the new treehouse (which...I guess they finally got?) and talk about how their parents don’t know anything because:

Meanwhile, Roberta is getting first kissed by Devon Sawa. It’s pretty adorable and he doesn’t even turn into a ghost afterward. She threatens to kick his ass if he tells anyone.

On their way home from the treehouse, Teeny and Sam get caught in a rainstorm. Sam almost drowns in a sewer drain but DON’T WORRY she’s saved by Crazy Pete. Now they like Crazy Pete! Yay! 

The next day, the girls are painting a garage door for treehouse money, even though JUST TWO SCENES EARLIER we’d established that they’d already gotten the treehouse. SHENANIGANS. Devon Sawa walks by and makes googly eyes at Roberta. I like to think he’s the boyfriend referenced earlier in the movie.

Later that day, they go to Sam’s Grandma Cloris Leachman’s house. They ask her what happened to Dear Johnny and his mother, but she refuses to tell them anything and rushes them out of the house. They wait for her to leave so they can break in and go through all the old newspapers in the attic. Oh man, my grandma totally would have kicked my ass if I’d ever broken into her house but maybe this kind of thing was OK in the 70s.

Really?

K, fine.

They find an old newspaper that says Dear Johnny and his mother were shot to death by a robber PLUS ALSO Roberta freaks out and breaks a mirror because she has a lot of feelings re: her dead mother. Sam then finally tells the other girls that her parents are getting divorced. This glimpse into the real world, all full of evil and suffering, leads the girls to make a pact, that they’ll always be there for each other, no matter what happens.

That night, they go to the cemetery to hold another seance. The groundskeeper catches them and tells them that the graveyard isn’t a playground which...OK, good point. He was the one who knocked over Johnny’s tombstone and broke it. According to the voiceover, this was the day they stopped their make-believe games (booooo!), so they throw away their seance gear and go home.

Sam goes back to put some flowers on Johnny’s grave. She runs into Crazy Pete and realizes that he was Johnny’s dad. It’s treacly and obvious but still...oof. I always forget that coming of age stories focus so much on death and loss until I actually watch one. I guess that’s what forces us to grow up. We realize that terrible things don’t just happen to other people. Death will come to those we love. We’ll lose people throughout our lifetimes and there’s nothing we can do about it and now I’m depressed and need to go lie down.

Spot on.

With that, we are rudely forced back to the present and the mostly terrible women the girls have grown up to become (this might be the most depressing thing about the movie). Chrissy has her baby (Roberta delivers it, which is weird, right?) and they all ooh and ahh because LADIES LOVE BABIES. The movie ends with another pact, this time to see each other more often, and another game of Red Rover, which they play with a bunch of neighborhood kids who just  magically show up (maybe they came out of that field in Iowa, I don’t know).

When I decided to watch this movie for the first time in, oh, let’s say 15 years, I did not have high hopes, but I’m surprised at how much I enjoyed it. Though, the bits of the movie featuring the adults could use some work or, better yet, be cut out completely. It was as if the movie’s creators were less focused on the emotional heft of the movie than on, “ooh, look what famous actresses these girls grew up to be!"

Also, it was fitting that I watched this during the summer, because this movie really made me miss summer vacation.

Also, also, just because it's SLIGHTLY relevant:

They're heeeeeeeeere...

Perhaps writing about my dog’s stomach issues the other day made my own stomach jealous that it didn’t get to participate in all the gastrotechnics, I don’t know for sure, but what I do know is that my body is rebelling against me and I’m not OK with it.

I’m feeling much better today than I have the past two days, which is good, because I’m not sure I could have taken another day of sitting uncomfortably on the sofa while watching Roseanne reruns and Marriage Boot Camp: Bridezillas WHICH IS A THING I HAVE NOW SEEN PLEASE BURN MY EYEBALLS.

Yesterday I managed to put in a DVD, which was a major improvement on the day before but that could have just been my choice of DVD which was Casper. As in the friendly ghost. As in the movie that introduced the star of my teenage dreams, Devon Sawa.

Devon Sawa’s picture, torn carefully from the pages of BOP magazine, held valuable real estate on my wall when I was a tween. I didn’t love him as much as I loved JTT but WHO COULD COMPARE I MEAN REALLY.

Pretty sure I had this exact picture on my wall.

By the time Idle Hands and Final Destination rolled around, I was all, “stop trying to make Devon Sawa happen, he’s not going to happen,” but the mid-90s were the Devon Sawa sweet spot (ew). Now & Then and Casper came out in 1995 and I was fairly obsessed with both of them, mostly because of Devon Sawa. Sawa. Saaaawaaaaa. I really wanted to watch Now & Then yesterday but Netflix took it away and for some reason I don't own it on DVD. WHO AM I?

Luckily, Joe and I were at Target a few weekends ago and when saw Casper in the $5 spot I picked it up without even quite knowing what I was doing. Anyway, my point is, here is my Casper recap:

The movie begins with two young boys breaking into Whipstaff Manor, a creepy ass mansion that’s supposedly haunted, because all creepy ass mansions are haunted. Are these our heroes, who will bravely lead us through a tale of ghouls and restless spirits?

No. We won’t ever see them again, which is a shame, because one of them is Squints from The Sandlot.

Anyway, a ghost shows up and offers to take their picture. Very polite ghost! But the boys are still scared so they run away screaming.

Cut to...Carrigan Crittendon. Carrigan is the terrible human being who has inherited Whipstaff and she is NOT pleased to find out that it’s haunted. She and her assistant, Eric Idle (what are you doing, Eric Idle) call in various people to do some ghostbusting, including an actual Ghostbuster, but none of them can get rid of the ghosts.

That night Casper is watching TV (sure) and sees a story about a ghost psychologist, Professor Harvey, and his daughter, Kat, on Inside Edition. He falls in love with Kat through MOVIE MAGIC so he manipulates Carrigan into calling the ghost psychologist and I can’t believe I just typed “ghost psychologist” twice in the same paragraph. Three times. Whatever.

This is fucking creepy, Casper.

Professor Harvey and Kat are soon on their way to Maine. Kat doesn’t want to go because TEENAGE ENNUI. We learned earlier through EXPOSITION that Harvey’s wife died unexpectedly, and that’s why he has such a hard on for ghosts. LITERALLY (probably). But Kat doesn't believe in ghosts, not even the ghost of her dead mom.

They arrive at Whipstaff and soon find out that, this time, the ghosts are really, really real, specifically Casper and his uncles, Stinky, Stretch, and Fatso. Yes, really. Harvey battles the uncles that night and, even though he sucks them up into a vacuum cleaner, they eventually come to a sort of peace later on because Casper is super nice and the uncles are disgusting and dangerous, sure, but also mostly just rascals. Rascals, I say!

The next day, Kat meets the requisite cute boy at school, who is attached to the requisite bitchy girl who hates Kat for pretty much no reason. STANDARD. When Kat’s class finds out she lives at Whipstaff, they decide to have the school Halloween dance there because SURE. This makes the bitchy girl hate Kat even MORE because now everyone likes Kat.

Meanwhile, Harvey is obsessed with getting Stinky, Stretch, and Fatso to “move on” so the house will be clear and he can get paid, but the uncles would rather fart and burp and mess with Harvey and can you blame them? Eventually, though, they realize they like Harvey and, thinking he needs to have some fun, they take him out to get drunk with the intention of killing him so he can be a ghost, too. OK SURE. They change their mind but wait OH NO he dies anyway. Don’t worry, it’ll be OK. I SAID DON’T WORRY THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT A CARTOON GHOST.

A REALLY CREEPY CARTOON GHOST.

While this is all happening, Kat is helping Casper remember who he is because I guess when you die, you forget everything about your life? Bummer. He remembers that his dad had a secret underground laboratory that can only be reached by chair-roller-coaster, which I was super jealous of when I watched this as a kid.

They find the Lazarus Machine in the lab which, you guessed it, brings the dead back to life but there’s only enough life-juice (not semen) left for one person. There’s a lot of convoluted stuff about Carrigan trying to kill Eric Idle so he can become a ghost and fly through a vault door in order to get some treasure, but she dies instead and steals the life-juice. Casper and Kat trick her into crossing over, leaving the life-juice for Casper, yay! But no, then Kat’s dead dad shows up and Casper gives HIM the potion because Casper is such a good guy. Kat's really grateful, so maybe this is part of Casper's master plan?

While all of THIS was happening, Kat’s classmates arrived for the dance. Kat goes to join the party and Casper goes to his room to pout, where he is visited by the ghost of Kat’s dead mom, Judge Amy. Judge Amy gives him a “Cinderella deal” and turns him into Devon Sawa, but only until 10 o’clock. He uses this time to ask Kat to dance and then make out (OK just kiss) with her on the dance floor, before turning back into a ghost and scaring the party away. UGH I’M EXHAUSTED.

I know this is a kid’s movie but the plot really started zooming out of control right around the time Casper remembers who he is. Kat’s dad dies super suddenly and I don’t remember being as horrified by this as a child as I was yesterday because poor kid SEES HER DAD AS A GHOST AND HE DOESN’T REMEMBER HER. That's some Arya Stark level trauma right there. Also, why does Judge Amy only give Casper, like, 10 minutes as a real boy? What a bitch. Also also, are Kat and Casper going to have a relationship now? I have a lot of questions about where this whole thing is going. Do you think there’s Casper fanfic? OMG THERE IS CASPER FANFIC. STOP. YOU STOP IT RIGHT NOW, INTERNET, YOU ARE TOO BEAUTIFUL.

Ahem.

This movie was the most romantic shit I'd ever seen when I was but a sweet, innocent tweenager. Come on! A poor dead boy falls in love with a lovely live girl and because he is pure of heart, he gets to become alive again for one special night while the cheesiest song ever plays in the background. I’m pretty sure if I’d recapped this when I was 13, it would read: Haunted house, ghosts, Bill Paxton Pullman, a lot of boring shit happens, DEVON SAWA KISSING.

Seriously, you guys. I can’t even with this:

"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist."

This morning, I was trying to figure out what to listen to on Spotify but couldn't think of anything (MY LIFE IT IS SO HARD) so I put on Indie radio. Coldplay's Don't Panic came on which gave me the brilliant idea to listen to the Garden State soundtrack. (That song is on the Garden State soundtrack. In case you weren’t aware. The thoughts were connected, is what I'm saying.)

I listened to the Garden State soundtrack all morning because I guess I wanted to make myself really sad? That's the only thing I can think of. I was obsessed with Garden State (both the movie and the soundtrack) when it came out. I was just out of college and floundering through adulthood (The Shins hadn't yet changed my life) so a story about a guy going home and drifting along until he found some sort of connection with someone or something was right up my alley. I watched the movie constantly, sometimes starting it over as soon as the credits rolled. If I remember correctly (and it seems I do), Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were in pretty constant rotation for a while which...I guess I was trying to MAKE myself suffer from crippling depression? Good idea, Past!Jennie.

So you can imagine how disappointed I was when Joe and I watched Garden State a couple of years ago and I hated it. Just hated it. I hated everyone in it. Though, I was never all that fond of Natalie Portman's character, having been convinced upon first viewing that she stole my “socially awkward, lying-for-no-reason” schtick. Most everyone else was OK back then, though. But this time? Everything grated. The slow drift through the story (such as it was), the overly dramatic dialogue, the "original moment," I couldn't believe how much I used to love it.

God, even reading the quotes on IMDb is giving me a mad case of CringeFace (so stop, IDIOT). I think what it is, is that I loved this movie SO MUCH, so unabashedly, that now I'm embarrassed that I felt so strongly. Which is stupid. Who cares that I used to love that movie? It spoke to me at a time when I needed it and now I don't need it anymore and that's OK. There’s a reason we behave differently at 30 than we did at 20 and that is called GROWING AS A PERSON or some bullshit, and that’s fine and normal and blah blah whatever.

Anyway. The Garden State soundtrack is still great. And it does still make me sad when I listen to it. It makes me miss the person I used to be, confused as she was, because I don't really know her anymore. I'm no longer homesick for that place that doesn't exist. But I used to be. For a long time, I felt stuck in limbo between childhood and adulthood, like I was just playing adult most of the time. And while I still feel that way sometimes, I also know that I'm capable of doing adult-like things, good or bad, without completely falling apart. I'm so much more capable than I used to be, more capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I mean, we all are, right?

Still. It makes me a bit nostalgic, listening to the soundtrack of my early twenties. A little heart-achy and more than a little eye-rolly, and, since we’re talking about my early twenties here, that feels almost perfect.

Do you like scary movies?

Did I tell you guys about the awesome people who made our wedding cupcakes? I feel like I might have mentioned them, but I'm not sure I talked about how, after we met with them for the initial cupcake tasting, Joe and I left with a total Couples Crush on them. I mean, they came up with THIS. Look at that and tell me YOU don't have a crush on them.

Anyway. They invited us over to their house this past weekend so we could watch movies. IN THEIR BACKYARD. It was great, aside from the bug bites, of which I now have A GAJILLION even though I was wearing bug spray, but apparently applying bug spray was just like the bug equivalent of marinating myself so I was even tastier or something.

Whatever, my point is, I've watched a lot of movies lately, so here are the movies and BONUS also my thoughts about them. I put them in order of how much I enjoyed them:

1. Dinner for Schmucks

Wow, this was pretty terrible, yeah? There were so many funny people in it, including my boyfriend Paul Rudd, so even though I'd heard it was bad, I was expecting it to be at least a little bit good. So, right, this movie is called Dinner for Schmucks, yeah? Well, the dinner isn't until, like, the very end and I think it lasts about fifteen minutes but it feels like eternity, so maybe that's what they were going for? I don't know.

Bright spots: Jemaine Clement, obviously. Chris O'Dowd as the blind swordsman. Paul Rudd wears a suit a lot. This exchange:

Marco the Blind Swordsman: I love to paint.
Davenport: Oh wow, are you any good?
Marco the Blind Swordsman: I don't know.

2. Greenberg

Ugh. You guys. UGH. When this movie, which mostly consisted of Ben Stiller's character trying to win first place in the WORLD'S BIGGEST SELFISH ASSHOLE contest (the prize is a swift kick to the balls), was over, I treated Joe with a ten minute diatribe on how tired I am of all these man-baby movies and, what? Was I supposed to feel sorry for Greenberg? I'm not really sure. I spent most of the movie worried that he was going to accidentally kill the dog because the dog almost accidentally died in his care because he's a stupid, whiny, selfish asshole, which I know I already said but YOU GUYS HE WAS SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

Bright spots: The dog was really cute. Um...

3. Morning Glory

Rachel McAdams is working HARD here, you guys. The movie is pretty bad, but she's so adorable that I didn't even mind.

Bright spots: Rachel McAdams. 


4. There Will Be Blood

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...oh, I'm sorry, I fell asleep just thinking about this movie.

Bright spots: Daniel Day Lewis is fascinating. I enjoy watching him do whatever, even if it's beating someone's head in with a bowling pin (oops, spoilers).

5. Cedar Rapids

Cute, if a bit forgettable. I only watched it a week ago but can't remember much about it. Ed Helms is almost stuck in the same man-baby category as Ben Stiller's Greenberg, but he's sweet and he means well, so he's charming instead of insufferable.

Bright spots: Ed Helms. Maeby Funke as a hooker.

6. Black Swan

This was really good but, much like every other Darren Aronofsky movie I've ever seen, I'll probably never watch it again. Also, I couldn't help but compare it to Center Stage the entire time, which I'm sure Joe enjoyed immensely.

Bright spots: Crazy costumes! Dancing! A skeevy Frenchman!

7. Horrible Bosses

This was not a good movie, really, but I still enjoyed it. The three leads are so fun to watch, and I could watch Charlie Day rage-scream all day long. Still, I thought it would be a lot funnier than it was. I only LOLed a few times.

Bright spots: The cast was pretty spot-on. Charlie Day. There's a character named Motherfucker Jones, which I cannot stop saying.

8. Scream

Joe had never seen this, so I made him watch it. Scream came out when I was in high school and I've seen it at least 900 times NO JOKE OK maybe a little joke. It's kind of hilarious to watch now because they keep talking about "cellular phones" and how it's weird for a HS kid to have one.

Bright spots: I unironically love this movie so ALL OF IT. Plus, Joe now keeps walking around saying, "DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES?" and it makes me giggle every time.

9. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I'd never seen this, so Joe made me watch it. Except, he didn't really MAKE me watch it because HELLO, Robert Downey Jr. is in it, so of course I'm going to watch it. I recently pointed out that I will watch anything RDJ is in, which is why I've seen both Due Date and Only You. Anyway. THIS MOVIE IS DELIGHTFUL. I need to own it so I can watch it whenever I need a RDJ fix because he is at his Robert Downey Jr.-est in this movie.

Bright spots: RDJ, obviously. Val Kilmer sometimes annoys me, but he's pretty great in this.

10. Midnight in Paris

If I could jump into movies, I would jump straight into this one. I want to full on make out with this movie, then buy it some ice cream, and then some beer, and maybe also a pony. As soon as it was over, I wanted to watch it again, which is pretty much the highest praise I can give a movie.

Bright spots: YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY ALL OF IT, GO SEE THIS RIGHT NOW

We also watched some really shitty Netflix Instant movies, such as The Hole (for shits) and American Psycho 2 (for giggles) and they were both very terrible in different ways.

I keep wishing there was something like Goodreads, but for movies. Does such a thing exist? Or is this a thing I can invent and then subsequently make like a billion dollars? Please let me know ASAP.

The next movie on the agenda is Harry Potter, Deathly Hallows 2.

:( :( :( :( ALL OF THE SAD FACES EVER, BASICALLY

Let's all go to the movies and then gouge our eyes out because that's how bad Due Date was

My love for Robert Downey Jr. runs deep, so deep that I have seen Only You MORE THAN ONCE. In fact, when I saw that Only You was available for Netflix Instant, I might have actually squeed aloud. I watched it almost immediately and I was almost able to ignore how absolutely terrible it is. Such is the power of RDJ's charm.

I've been swooning over RDJ for years now, through his stint in rehab AND on Ally McBeal, all the way to, well, today. I saw Iron Man because he was in it, I loved him in Wonder Boys, my sides ached with laughter during his bits in Tropic Thunder, and I watched Sherlock Holmes just to see the magic of the budding bromance between RDJ and Jude Law.

But this past weekend, Robert Downey Jr. almost lost my love FOREVER and I will tell you why: DUE DATE.

Oh, I was all set to love it, despite the poor reviews I'd read back when it came out, because his character's name in the movie is Peter Highman. Just...just say it out loud. See? It immediately pandered to my 13-year-old-boy level of maturity, so I was on board. But you guys, this movie is terrible. I don't know what happened. I love stupid movies as much as the next person (I own Zoolander) but there is almost nothing redeeming about this movie.

Here is the premise: Peter (RDJ) is on his way home, and needs to be there by Friday, because his wife is getting a C-section that day and I guess it's, like, important to meet your baby right away, I don't know. He meets Zach Galificleurlduskjerudl's character, Ethan, at the airport and there is some nonsense about their bags getting mixed up. Then they get in a fight on the airplane and, of course, get kicked off. Peter has this problem, I guess, that when he gets mad, he "sees red," so he never remembers the yelling and the punching or whatever, but really I think his problem is that he's just an asshole.

Anyway, so they get kicked off the plane and Peter's wallet is still ON the plane because for some reason, he put it in the seat pocket in front of him? Or something? Do people do this? So he can't rent a car because he has no money or ID. Also, he's now on the no-fly list on account of the fighting and the mixed up baggage.

Ethan, however, still has money and his ID, so he is able to rent a car and convinces Peter to come with him. Thus begins their tragic journey across the country. Oh yeah, I forgot, but Ethan is carrying his dead father's ashes around in a coffee can. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves. Also, Ethan wants to be an actor because he was inspired by Two and a Half Men. This will be important later but it's gross so prepare yourselves.

Along the way, Ethan stops to buy pot and, while there, Peter punches a child in the stomach. I mean, the kid was annoying, but you just can't punch a child. I'm pretty sure that's like a rule. Ethan spends all their money on pot, then Peter insults a war veteran at Western Union so they can't even get the money Peter's wife wired to them, so they are pretty much screwed. I think this is when they sleep at a rest stop and Peter tries to ditch Ethan there but, in his only redeeming scene in the movie, feels guilty and goes back to get him. Later, Ethan falls asleep while he's driving and DRIVES OFF OF AN OVERPASS, so maybe Peter had the right idea, what with the ditching, but don't worry, the only bad things that happen are that Peter breaks an arm and the dog now has to wear a cone of shame.

At this point, Jamie Foxx rescues them and takes them to his house. He lends them a car, but not before making them coffee out of Ethan's father's ashes. Yep, sure, why not.

I think it's soon after they leave Jamie Foxx that Ethan accidentally drives them to Mexico. Yeah. Peter gets arrested by border patrol because...I don't remember why, and is locked up in a trailer, which Ethan then STEALS and then they are in the most ridiculous car chase ever and it was at this point that I wondered why I was still watching the movie.

They become friends at this point, sort of, even though Peter is still a total asshole. They go to the Grand Canyon and I wish Ethan would push Peter over the side. They OBVIOUSLY make it to California in time for Peter to see his baby's birth...well, sort of, because I forgot that Ethan accidentally shoots Peter at some point so I think Peter passes out during the actual birth but who cares because he was an asshole anyway and assholes shouldn't get to see their babies get borned. Actually, wait, scratch that, the birthing process is way disgusting so assholes should have to watch that shit, like, 24/7, right? Right.

OK, but here is where I felt completely betrayed. Ethan and Peter apparently become BFF, although reluctantly on Peter's part because of the asshole thing. Peter and his wife and baby are lying in bed one night, watching TV, and you guys, THEY ARE WATCHING TWO AND A HALF MEN. Because Ethan was a guest actor on it or something. But WHATEVER WHO CARES. The point is, this movie tricked me into watching part of Two and a Half Men and I don't care that it was maybe only a minute or two, it was still a minute or two of Two and a Half Men that I never, ever wanted to see. And, I don't know, you guys, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's going to take a lot of shirtless wrestling before I can ever trust RDJ again.

Let's all go to the movies and STFU.

We went to the movies last weekend and not the giant movie theater that has a billion screens, but the teeny tiny one downtown that only has, I think, three? Joe, how many screens does The Neon have? I don't know. I do know the theater we were in had the smallest screen ever, which was fine, because we were seeing The King's Speech and not, like, Tron.

There were maybe like fifty seats (I really have no idea) in the theater, which is teeny tiny, but it wasn't even full during our show. I don't understand why every showing at this theater isn't standing room only because The Neon serves beer. And wine, I think. Maybe people just don't know.

The couple sitting next to us, in the innermost seats of the aisle, knew this because the guy left in the middle of the movie to get more beer. Which, fine, but he also got up before the movie started to get beer and that meant climbing over four other pairs of legs on his way out. There were plenty of seats on the ends of the aisles, so I'm not sure why they didn't sit there. Whatever, I could have overlooked that had they not been so annoying. The lady kept getting on her iPhone to...I don't know, maybe update Facebook that Colin Firth is still a damn good-looking man? What is that? Get off your phone! And the guy...I don't know what his deal was, but he kept sort of talking to the screen. I think? I mean, he'd just randomly be like, "Ohhhhhh," or, "Uh-huh" and he wasn't even whispering, he was talking louder than the movie.

And he wasn't the only one! There was a guy in the aisle across from ours, sitting in the corner with his companion, and he was SO LOUD. Like, he was almost yelling, I'm totally serious. Joe eventually shushed him and then the beer-getting guy sitting next to me LAUGHED. I chose to believe he was laughing because shushing movie-talkers is hilarious, not because it's funny to talk during movies, otherwise I would have karate chopped his face off.

There are a lot of people in this world that I don't understand, but, Teabaggers aside, movie-talkers are the most mysterious to me. I'm of the belief that once the previews start, you should not say anything unless you're on fire. And even then, you should calmly make your way to one of the exits and wait to start screaming until you're safely out of the theater. That's called being considerate.

So the person who totally disregards the fact that he is not actually sitting at home in his living room? He completely baffles me. What goes on in his head? Anything? Does he think we can't hear him? Or that his comment is so witty that the room will erupt with laughter? Or maybe he just doesn't give a shit...being considerate to others is for commie liberal pussies anyway.

I have been known to shush a person, but only if they're sitting near me. I would actually get up, find an usher, and TOTALLY TATTLE ON THEM if it didn't mean I'd miss part of the movie. I once told the teenage girl in front of me to "get off her fucking phone," during a showing of Mean Girls, after shushing her twice to no avail. I shushed the people behind me during The X-Files movie (the new one) because even though I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND, it's the principle of the thing, you know? And I openly rejoiced when a group of teenagers was publicly shamed by the usher for being obnoxious during Half-Blood Prince BECAUSE YOU DON'T TALK DURING HARRY POTTER.

That said, if you have something really important to say, it's OK to WHISPER it to someone sitting next to you. And when I say "whisper," I mean even the person you're whispering to should BARELY be able to hear you. Like, during The King's Speech, it was obviously really important that I lean over to Joe and tell him that the actress playing Myrtle Logue played Elizabeth Bennet opposite Colin Firth's Mr. Darcy*. But you know what? When Bertie and Myrtle finally meet in the movie? In my head I was all, "MR DARCY AND ELIZABETH BENNET REUNITED," but I squeed in silence, OK? SO SHUT UP.

*I waited until the movie was over to tell him that Mr. Collins was also in it

In honor of Pride and Prejudice week over on Cowbirds in Love*

Me: I read that Anne Hathaway and James McAvoy are in talks to play Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.
Joe: Oh, yeah?
Me: ...yeah.
Joe: Is that bad?
Me: I just...I don't know if James McAvoy is right to play Mr. Darcy.
Joe: No?
Me: I don't think he's tall enough.
Joe: Wha?
Me: In my head, Mr. Darcy is really tall and I think James McAvoy is kind of short.
Joe: Haha, is he?
Me: Maybe he could stand on a box or something.

I think James McAvoy is totally dreamy but I don't know if he's Darcy dreamy. Mr. Bingley dreamy, maybe.

*thank you, srah, for introducing me to Cowbirds in Love

Happy Slapsgiving, everybody!

I don't want to freak anyone out but I think my superpowers might be coming in, because last night, Joe and I were sitting on the couch and reading and I started whistling this:



And then Joe left and I turned on the TV and Aladdin was on and THAT EXACTLY SONG WAS ABOUT TO START YOU GUYS I'M TOTALLY PSYCHIC! I wonder if my new psychic powers will ever start telling me anything important. Not that finding Aladdin on TV isn't important. If I hadn't found Aladdin on TV then I wouldn't have looked at the TiVo guide and seen that Beauty & the Beast was on after Aladdin. That's totally important.

So, today I am thankful for my psychic powers. Because it's Thanksgiving. See what I did there?

You know, you CAN say it backwards, which is "docious-ali-expi-istic-fragil-cali-rupus," but that's going a bit too far, don't you think?

Fictional characters I wanted to be when I was a child (aged 5 - 12ish):

1. Red Fraggle

She had pigtails. I had pigtails. It was totally meant to be.

2. Punky Brewster

See above, re: pigtails.

3. Rainbow Brite

I actually had a rainbow belt when I was little. I'd wear it with my red suspenders and my red, heart-shaped sunglasses. The belt had a heart clasp and, when I wore it, I'd pretend I was Rainbow Brite and wish that my belt could shoot a rainbow out of it, but I must have run out of Star Sprinkles because it never did.

4. Princess Leia

Except I was always jealous that she never got a light saber.

5. Vada Sultenfuss (My Girl)

OK, so I didn't really want to live above a funeral parlor and I DEFINITELY didn't want my BFF to die of bee stings OH MY GOD, MOVIE, BE SADDER, NO I DARE YOU. Ahem. But Vada was sassy and quirky and also had an awesome mood ring that I coveted. I don't know why, maybe I wanted to wear it with my Rainbow Brite belt.

6. Belle from Beauty & the Beast

Have you SEEN that library? SWOON.

7. Mary Poppins

Um, she could fly. And she had a magic bag that she could hide tons of shit in, very much like the bag Hermione enchants in Deathly Hallows. When you think about it, Mary Poppins is kind of like a witch without a magic wand.

8. Meg Murry (A Wrinkle in Time)

She seemed so unsure of herself, like, all the time and DUH, of course I identified with that, but then she goes on a wicked awesome adventure to save her father, which is totally brave and awesome. Plus, we both wore really awkward glasses and yet a boy still liked her, so it gave me hope that maybe someday a boy would like me, too. OMG, I just made myself totally sad, oops. Poor, awkward, little Jennie.

9. Dorothy Gale

I think I wanted to be her most of all. The Wizard of Oz was my favorite movie when I was a kid ('cept for maybe E.T.) and I thought Oz was probably the most magical place in the world. Maybe I hadn't seen Willy Wonka yet, I don't know, but still. My dad even made me my own pair of ruby slippers. They were my most prized possession, until my feet grew too big for them, but I hung onto them for a long time even though they didn't fit. Even as an adult, I've often wished for some ruby slippers. I have some red shoes, but I've tried, and they never send me home when I click my heels three times.

10. Marion Ravenwood (Raiders of the Lost Ark)

SHE IS SO BADASS, YOU GUYS.

It'll be my first pah-ty, Fah-tha!

Me: The hills are aliiiiiiive...with the sound of muuuuuusiiiiiic...
Joe: Have you been watching Moulin Rouge?

I've been walking around singing songs from The Sound of Music for the past few days and WITH GOOD REASON. For, you see, there was a Sound of Music sing-a-long at a nearby movie theater on Tuesday and I went (DUH) even though it was on a school night and I'd be up past my bedtime.

I saw an advertisement for this sing-a-long a few weeks ago when Joe and I went to see The Social Network. When I saw the preview for it, I believe my exact words were, "OMFG OMFG I HAVE TO GO TO THAT OMFG," and Joe was all, "...eff," because he was afraid he'd have to go with me. But. I posted something about it on (the) Facebook and soon had tentative plans to go with some of my family members, because they're awesome like that. And really, I told Joe that the only reason he wasn't excited about it at all was because he's never seen the movie, something that is GROSS AND WRONG, but not quite as gross and wrong as never having seen The Goonies.

So last week was total shit, right? Right. And I've been pretty Debbie Downer lately as a result. Anyway, it turns out that Julie Andrews works kind of like anti-depressants. Like, I cannot be in a bad mood if Julie Andrews is singing, I just can't. I love her.

You know what else I love? When crowds sing along to songs at concerts. Not, like, one really loud guy who is singing so loud that I can't hear the artist (JOE) but when the whole crowd sings and you can't make out one voice from another. The sing-a-long was like that plus Julie Andrews, which equals NOW WE ARE SO HAPPY, WE DO THE DANCE OF JOY. Truly. I did the math just now and it totally worked.

I went with two of my cousins and two of my aunts, and everyone had such a good time, which is really what everyone needed. I highly recommend going to one of these if you have the chance. Obviously, you should go if you love The Sound of Music, but who doesn't love The Sound of Music? I'll tell you who...NAZIS.

It'd been years since I'd seen the movie all the way through. Especially considering that, when I was younger, I used to fast forward to my favorite parts, which were: the nuns singing about how terrible Maria is, Maria singing about how she's all confident and shit, Rolf being all patronizing and telling Liesl she needs someone to take care of her (I was young, I didn't know that Rolf was a big turdface until he blew his stupid whistle), Do Re Mi, the creepy puppet show, the party where Maria and Captain von Trapp dance and have all the UST, Baronness Bitchface getting dumped so Captain von Trapp can go dance and sing and make out with Maria, and, OK, all the singing parts, especially Captain von Trapp singing because he is dreamy with a capital D that stands for DAMN which rhymes with BAM I JUST PASSED OUT BECAUSE HE'S SO DREAMY.

The only singing part I didn't like was when the Boss Nun sings about climbing mountains because it was boring and I wanted to get back to watching Maria and Captain von Trapp make googly eyes at each other. Now that I think about it, they might be the first couple I ever shipped, except for maybe Red and Gobo on Fraggle Rock which is TOTALLY NORMAL SHUT UP.

You have a baby. In a BAR.

You guys, I have the Tigger song stuck in my head and I don't know why. It's driving me crazy because that might be the most annoying song ever, except for maybe the Barney song which was used as torture in The Men Who Stare at Goats FOR GOOD RAISIN.

Anyway. Last night, we went to an advanced screening of Scott Pilgrim because Joe got free tickets because OF COURSE HE DID. I don't want to spoil anything, but I will say I super enjoyed it times 10. I'm not sure what I would have thought if I hadn't read the books, but I feel like it would have still been enjoyable. There were plenty of lols and my only complaint is that the people behind us had obviously never even heard of Scott Pilgrim because they spent the majority of the movie saying things like, "wut...," "that doesn't make sense," and, "huuuuuuuuuuh?" and I hated them and wanted them to leave but they didn't because who passes up a free movie? Not those people. I really wanted to murder them in the face, you guys, but I didn't because I also really wanted to see the whole movie.

It was an incredibly well-cast movie, from Young Neil to Roxy Richter, although I wasn't too impressed with whatserface who played Ramona Flowers. I could look it up but I don't feel like it, so you do it. I think her name is Mary Something Something. Have fun, detectives.

This week seems really busy and I'm not sure why, other than I don't normally go to the movies on a Tuesday. I haven't worked out at all this week, but I have managed to not eat a bunch of junk food for every meal, so that's a win win (win). However, my bridal shower is this weekend and all bets are off because there will be snacks. And drinks. Because my bridal shower is IN A BAR. THAT'S RIGHT. Wishes really do come true.

mystery solved

I posted yesterday about a movie where this happens:

The part I remember is of this family in a car and they're stuck in a traffic jam. At night. Of course it's at night. Anyway, there are two or three little girls sitting in the backseat and the one sitting in the middle is asleep. The other little girl(s) are all giggly and play a prank on the sleeping girl by tying her shoelaces together. Well, then they get in a terrible car accident and the sleeping girl (whose name might have been Jennifer, now that I think about it) can't get out of the car in time (because of her shoelaces being tied together) and the car like explodes and she dies, and the other little girl feels guilty forever the end.

I Googled it today and apparently it was from a made for TV movie called Don't Go To Sleep. That came out in 1982. I'm not sure how I saw it because I was a baby in 1982. So either the network reaired it years later, my parents taped it and then made me watch it when my sister was born so I'd never play that prank on her, or I saw it when I was a baby and I have super memory skills.

paul is dead

Every time I take a road trip, I think of this movie I saw when I was a kid. I have no idea what the movie was and, based on the only part I remember, I'm pretty sure that I should not have been watching it at such a young age.

The part I remember is of this family in a car and they're stuck in a traffic jam. At night. Of course it's at night. Anyway, there are two or three little girls sitting in the backseat and the one sitting in the middle is asleep. The other little girl(s) are all giggly and play a prank on the sleeping girl by tying her shoelaces together.

Well, then they get in a terrible car accident and the sleeping girl (whose name might have been Jennifer, now that I think about it) can't get out of the car in time (because of her shoelaces being tied together) and the car like explodes and she dies, and the other little girl feels guilty forever the end.

See? Traumatic, right? To this day, I don't take my shoes off in the car (unless they're flip flops) because what if we get in a horrible car accident and I can't leave the car because I don't have shoes on? This makes no sense, I know, because duh, Jennie, get out of the car barefoot but WHAT IF IT'S WINTER? My feet will fall off.

Other movies I saw as a child that traumatized me forever:

Gremlins: For years I was convinced that Gremlins lived under my bed but only at night. If I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I'd stand in the middle of my bed and jump as far into the room as I could because I imagined if I put my feet on the ground right by the bed, little Gremlin claws would grab my ankles and pull me under.

Cat's Eye: In which a young Drew Barrymore is terrorized by a gremlin in her sleep. Um. Yeah. So, Drew Barrymore gets a cat and her mom hates cats because I guess her mom is a giant bitch who doesn't like fun because have you ever seen a cat chase its tail? Comedy gold. Anyway, so she doesn't want Drew to have a cat because cats steal your breath when you're asleep. Drew's mom is crazy. Drew isn't allowed to have the cat in her bedroom at night because OBVIOUSLY the cat will steal her breath while she's sleeping OH OF COURSE YOU CRAZY MOTHER. But wait! Guess what happens? This little gremlin burrows into her room each night. He has tiny armor and a tiny sword because...sure, of course. And guess what he does? HE STEALS DREW'S BREATH WHILE SHE'S ASLEEP. Well, the cat won't stand for that so he breaks into the room and fights the gremlin. All I remember is that the gremlin had scary teeth and poked the cat with his sword and hurt that cat and I was like, "oh hell no, I'm out."

Twilight Zone THERE'S SOMETHING ON THE WING OF THE PLANE!: When I saw this, I had never been on a plane. I was terrified to get on a plane and TO THIS DAY, the first thing I think when I fly anywhere is, "I hope there's not a weird gremlin thing that effs up our plane." Which I think is totally valid even without having seen this Twilight Zone.

The Gate: You guys. This is the scariest movie I ever saw as a child. It might be the scariest movie I've ever seen EVER only I don't remember because I haven't seen it since I was like 8. WHO LET ME WATCH THIS? What happens is, these kids are allowed to stay home alone while their parents are on vacation. That never ends well. So of course, they play records backwards to see if they can hear Satan and they also dig a big hole in the backyard...for a pool or something. They put a gate over the hole (OK?) but it's too late! The combination of the backwards-record and the hole to hell (Hellmouth?) makes all these scary gremlin-demons come out and they are so creepy. They're little, but there's a lot of them, so they can totally eff you up. Also, there's this part where one of the kids has an eye growing in the middle of the palm of his hand and he stabs it with a piece of glass. Again, I ask, WHO LET ME WATCH THIS?

Apparently gremlins were as terrifying to me as a child as zombies are to me now. Good to know.

But the thing that makes Woody special is he'll never give up on you...ever. He'll be there for you, no matter what. [CUE SOBBING]

(this contains Toy Story 3 spoilers)

I don't have many childhood toys still in my possession, but I do still have some of my old stuffed animals, my favorite being the ratty, green stuffed bear that I've had since I was a baby. I call it my Dabbledoo, a name given to it when I started talking because I couldn't say "bear." But Dabbledoo, that I could say.

I took that bear everywhere with me. I took it to sleepovers, I took it to college, and I've taken it with me every time I've moved since then. I would take it on trips if I wasn't so terrified of losing it.

We took my sister to see Toy Story 3 last weekend. We loaded up with popcorn and soda, found the perfect seats (right in the middle of the theater) and waited through the previews. A family came in and sat a few rows in front of us. They had a little girl with them, she couldn't have been more than three or four, and she was wearing a Woody cowboy (cowgirl?) outfit and carrying a Woody doll that was half as big as she was. A man I assumed was her grandfather took her picture. When asked why, he exclaimed, "It's her first movie!" as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which, I suppose it was.

The previews soon ended, and as the lamp came out and smooshed the 'i' in Pixar, the little girl shouted, "oh no!" I looked at Joe and giggled. I hate it when people talk during movies (who doesn't?), but small children are exempt from that. I love that they get so wrapped up in the story that they can't help but shout out in excitement. In any case, she settled down when the short started and was quiet for most of the movie.

I'd heard Toy Story 3 was a tearjerker but I had no idea what was in store for me. Surely it wouldn't cause me to cry as much as Up, I'd (foolishly) thought. No movie has ever made me cry as much as Up. Up makes me cry if I even THINK about it too much.

But when the tears started, they wouldn't stop. And where did the tears start? Oh, you know, just when all the toys clasped hands and closed their eyes and WAITED FOR DEATH. That is heavy for any movie, let alone a movie made primarily for children, but never let it be said that Pixar pulls any punches. What made it worse was the little girl in front of us shouting, "Oh, no! Woody!" and I kept wishing I was three years old so I could shout the same thing.

Soon that disaster was behind us, however, and I thought the tears were over until Woody said good-bye to all of his toy friends. I was so wrong. The tears were not over. Not even close. I cried through all the good-byes, I cried through Andy's mom's tears, and I struggled not to sob AUDIBLY as Andy brought his box of toys to Bonnie and I almost gave up when he let go of Woody. Damn you, Pixar, why do you do this to me?

The movie ended and I was glad that they showed clips during the credits so I'd have time to compose myself but it STILL wasn't enough time. The little girl in front of us fared much better, she had Woody there to comfort her, but all I wanted to do was go home, hug my Dabbledoo, and beg forgiveness for all the times I'd ignored him.

also, why is the Baroness such a see you next tuesday?

I woke up this morning with that Do Re Mi song from The Sound of Music stuck in my head. I don't know why. I've stopped questioning these things. I have a different song stuck in my head almost every morning, as soon as I wake up, and it could be anything from Old McDonald (I KNOW) to Lisztomania.

But this morning my head was full of the vocal styling of Nunny Maria and like eighteen adorable moppets. There were eighteen of them, right? Whatever. So the whole time I'm getting ready, it's running through my head and at first I couldn't remember the order it went in. I was all Do Re Mi La Fa So Ti Do Bleep Bloop Blah Blerg. Which isn't how it goes, if you've never seen the movie. Why haven't you seen that movie, though? I love it with all my heart, I do, it's my favorite Julie Andrews movie aside from Mary Poppins (I typed Poopins before Poppins, I don't know what that says about me but I don't think it's good).

I finally got it right, though, and then I concentrated on remembering what each of the notes stood for which was difficult because I kept mixing it up with Homer Simpson's version. (I hope that's the right link. It's blocked at work so I have no idea. I'm sorry if I just took you to some video of, like, cats playing baseball except no, I'm really not, because that sounds awesome.)

Anyway. I finally remembered that it goes like this: Do, a deer, a female deer. Re, a drop of golden sun. Mi, a name I call myself. Fa, a long long way to run. So, a needle pulling thread. La, a note to follow So. Ti, a drink with jam and bread. And that brings us back to DO DO DO DO.

And La is totally the red-headed stepchild of that song. Poor La. Right, so then I got to thinking about the movie and how Maria is all, "when you read you begin with ABC, when you sing you begin with Do Re Mi," and she teaches the kids the song and all of the sudden they just know how to sing. POOF. Magic. But I'm pretty sure there was no magic in that movie, other than like looooove magic between Captain von Trapp and Maria, which you can see every time they look all googly eyed at one another because they are bathed in the soft light of WANTING TO GET. IT. ON.

I wish they'd had real magic in the movie, though. If they'd had magic, they could have turned that nasty a-hole Rolf into a toad and then stomped on him until he was nothing but toad guts and then flown away in their magical flying car instead of traipsing through the mountains to Switzerland or whatever. Is that where they were going? Switzerland? I don't remember. I'm also really bad at geography.

I know it's a musical and all and bursting into spontaneous song I can totally accept, but when they just are like SO GOOD at singing right off the bat? Bullshit. That would be like me learning the ABCs and then moving right along to reading Proust or something. Like, I think they skipped a couple hundred steps.

But whatever. I don't care, I still love the movie, don't get me wrong. I used to watch it practically every weekend when I was a tiny little child, and I'd also sing along to all the songs but I'd get mad at my sister if SHE tried to sing along and my god, my parents must have been so very, very patient. And then we'd switch to Mary Poppins and I'd sing all those songs, too, imitating Dick Van Dyke's cockney accent in my tiny little child voice and I'd wish my parents would hire Mary Poppins as a babysitter the next time they went out. Governess Maria von Nun would have been OK, too, but I think when I was little I thought that a governess was an ex-nun who moved in with you if your mother died and then married your dad and made you clothes out of curtains and stuff, sort of like Scarlett O'Hara but way less selfish and so my definition of governess wouldn't have worked in my situation. Which is fine, but my parents couldn't have hired an flying nanny JUST ONCE? I tried flying with an umbrella myself but I must have had the wrong kind of umbrella so it didn't work. I also tried jumping into my sidewalk chalk drawings but I guess I had the wrong kind of chalk, too? I don't know, maybe magic sidewalk chalk only works in Britain. Britain gets all the magic, it's not fair.

NaNo Day 8

Good day, Internets. It's a strange day here in Ohio because, you see, it's November, which usually means chilly temperatures and SOMETIMES even snow but today? Today I have all of the windows open and I'm sitting here in shorts and a t-shirt and it's amazing. It's Ohio, though, which means it could snow tomorrow, but today I'm going to enjoy the 70 degrees.

The procrastination continues, but I managed to finally get around to writing. Not until I'd done all manner of important things, though. Things like grocery shopping, vacuuming, laundry, farming...you know, normal Sunday chores. Here are my numbers:

Word goal for the day: 1667
Words written today: 1770
Total goal: 13336
Total written so far: 16108
Words ahead/behind goal: +2772

The first week is over and it went better than I anticipated. I'm surprised I was able to stick to my goal of writing a set amount of words (and then some) every day. I've heard Week 2 is a lot harder than Week 1, so I'm a little worried.

Last night, Joe and I had planned to grill hamburgers, forgetting that, um, it gets dark at 6 o'clock now. When we realized this, we decided to go out to dinner (yessssss) and then to the movies (yesssssss). We ended up at Bar Louie after hearing about the 45 minute wait at Mongolian BBQ (seriously?) and it was magical because there was no wait AT ALL. Which is odd. After dinner, we went to see Zombieland and OH MYLANTA, it was so good. I am simultaneously terrified of and fascinated by zombies, which means I will see any zombie movie made, but I will be on the verge of peeing my pants the entire time. It's a dangerous game, but well worth it, I think.

Heather Anne asked (sort of)

As far as I can tell, these are (most of) the new movies being released this week and here are my opinions which aren't really opinions because I'm always right anyway moving on:

Inglourious Basterds -- So for a long time I wouldn't see The Pursuit of Happyness because they spelled happiness wrong in the title, but for some reason that doesn't bother me at all for this movie. I don't know why. Anyway, I saw a preview for this movie before District 9 and I was surprised at how much I actually want to see it. Probably it's because I want to see Ryan the Temp scalp some Nazis or whatever because Nazis are bad.

Verdict: THEATER

Post Grad -- Chances are, this movie is face-meltingly awful but I totally heart little Rory Gilmore, so I'd be inclined to watch it.

Verdict: DVD

Shorts -- OK, this is actually the movie I thought was Aliens in the Attic. Sorry, I got my (probably) crappy kids movies mixed up. I think this looks sort of cute, but in a "I'd watch this on ABC Family on a Sunday afternoon because I'm hungover and can't find the remote" sort of way.

Verdict: DVD/Face-Melty

The Marc Pease Experience -- I know nothing about this movie. Except that Ben Stiller is in it (possibly a minus) and Jason Schwartzman is in it (definitely a bonus). So. Yeah.

Verdict: DVD

My One and Only -- I want to like this because it's set in the 50s. But I've decided to boycott Renee Zellweger until she says she's not doing a third Bridget Jones movie (seriously, Renee, STOP IT).

Verdict: Face-Melty (could be redacted at a later date)

The World's Greatest Dad -- This movie sounds totally fucked up THEREFORE awesome. Robin Williams has an obnoxious son, who I think dies or commits suicide or something, and so Robin Williams totally mooches it so people feel sorry for him. I don't know really, but what I DO know is that this might be a movie starring Robin Williams that doesn't make you want to punch him in the neck. More Good Morning, Vietnam and less RV.

Verdict: DVD

My point is, you might as well go see Inglourious Basterds this weekend.

This is the Seinfeld of posts.

I've started to notice lately that it doesn't take much to affect my mood one way or the other. I'll be smiling my way down the hallway at work and then I'll hear Annoying Coworker #5 talking about how he heard Glenn Beck say the funniest thing the other day, and he doesn't mean funny like, "wow, I didn't know someone with so few brain cells could speak," he means funny like, "that Glenn Beck sure knows what he's talking about," because if this guy lived in Phoenix, he probably would have been one of those idiots who brought a gun to hear Obama speak because THAT'S TOTALLY SANE AND NORMAL and what was I saying? I don't remember, really, but I think it had something to do with the fact that my mood can be ruined by the smallest things.

However. It can also be buoyed by the smallest things, like YUMMY FOOD or hearing The Final Countdown on the radio and picturing GOB dancing around before he makes a boat DISAPPEAR. You know what other Arrested Development-related activity makes me happy? Imitating the Bluths imitating chickens. Chaw-chee-chaw-chee-chaw! If you don't understand that, then maybe you should go watch some Arrested Development already.

Here is why: I am right about everything and I say Arrested Development is hilarious. Other shows that are hilarious: How I Met Your Mother, 30 Rock, The Office, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Flight of the Conchords. Sometimes people try to watch things like Two and a Half Men and I have to tell them how not funny it is. Sometimes they don't believe me and watch it anyway and I feel sorry for their brains. It's sad.

I can also tell you what movies you should see in the theater, what movies you should wait to see on DVD, and what movies you should never, ever see because they will be so awful that they will melt your face, sort of like that time the Ark of the Covenant, um, melted that guy's face and it was way gross, especially for that guy, probably.

For your reference, here are the movies that are out right now (at least where I am) and what category they fall into:

(500) Days of Summer: THEATER

Aliens in the Attic: DVD

Bandslam: Face-Melter

District 9: THEATER

Funny People: DVD

G.I. Joe: Face-Melter

G-Force: Face-Melter, but could be DVD b/c of Tracy Morgan/Jordan

The Goods: DVD/possible Face-Melter

The Hangover: DVD

Harry Potter: THEATER

Julie & Julia: THEATER

Orphan: DVD

A Perfect Getaway: Face-Melter/DVD

Ponyo: THEATER/DVD

The Proposal: DVD

The Time-Traveler's Wife: DVD

Transformers: Face-Melter

The Ugly Truth: Face-Melter

YOU'RE WELCOME. Please note that I have only actually seen three of these movies, but I feel strongly that I am right about the rest of them.

Regarding the above movies, you should all go see District 9 like, ASAP. Except for you, Heather Anne, because it might be too scary. And Kat, you maybe shouldn't see it on account of it's full of aliens. But the humans are scarier, I promise. Anyway. It's really good and the main guy has an accent and it sounds funny when he says The Eff Word.

This week, Heidi and Tam are in Mexico burning their skin off and drinking tequila, so I am checking in on Harleigh, Tam's smooshed-face cat. Here is a picture of Harleigh. She is adorable and right now she is wearing one of those cone things so she doesn't lick her tummy rash and it only makes her more adorable. Also, she's nice and will let me pet her and pick her up without threatening to bite my face off, unlike some cats, PHOEBE.

Anyway, I guess my point is, I'm in a good mood today because of A) GOB Bluth, B) quesadillas for dinner, C) smooshed-faced cats, and D) Flight of the Conchords. If you'd been paying attention, I think that was all pretty obvious.