Friday, September 30, 2011

DEAR INTERNET, this is relevant to your interests

Last night after work I drove down to where my old job was to meet some former coworkers for dinner. This is like the first time I've ever met former coworkers for anything. It's not because I hated all of my former coworkers or anything, not at all, it's just that I'm usually way too lazy to keep in touch with work people. Maybe I'm getting better at it in my old age WHO KNOWS.

What I do know is that my drive down to Cincinnati last night marked my first drive past the place of Touchdown Jesus's untimely demise (RIP). And I feel it is my duty (heh, DUTY) to inform you all that construction has begun on a new Jesus statue because OF COURSE IT HAS. New Jesus, or shall we call Him, Resurrection Jesus, right now consists of only part of a skeleton, but IT HAS BEGUN.

You may remember that last year Touchdown Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground, leaving only the charred remains of his skeleton behind. You may also remember it as the BEST! DAY! EVER!, especially if you lived in Ohio at the time. It felt like Christmas. Which...if you really think about what I just said, you'll realize it's all kinds of wrong so maybe just don't think about it, OK? OK.

Whatever, they're rebuilding it and they're probably building it out of less flammable material this time (I mean, they have to be, right?) so but, you guys. They are ASKING for jokes. Because you wanna know why?

They're calling New Jesus...

wait for it...

Come Unto Me Jesus.


That is all.

No comment.

No, seriously, I'm not touching this one.

I feel like Chandler that time he promised not to make fun of anyone. HORNSWOGGLE.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

blah blah who cares: part WHATEVER WHO CARES

Yesterday, The Universe decided that it'd been far too long since I threw hundreds of dollars at my car, so on the way to work my car broke down. This after I discovered that the coffeemaker was suddenly broken. Just suddenly. For no good reason. Like, it turned on but no coffee came out and yes, before you ask, I had added both coffee and water DUH WHATEVER WHO CARES.

So I bought a new coffeemaker after work because, yeah, if I don't have coffee in the morning, I don't know, the world would split in twain (IN TWAIN) or something. And yea, there was coffee upon all of our houses. Or something. WHATEVER WHO CARES.

Oh, but right, my car! Wait, it's boring, who cares. The tie rod broke, which I guess is bad and could have been REALLY BAD had I been on the highway going all fast. Blah blah blah I had to spend money blah and I guess I could write all about how it was kind of peaceful to sit in my quiet car in the rain, enjoying my coffee, and how later I got to go home in the middle of the day and see Max but then I had to go back to work OMG WHATEVER WHO CARES.

I'm so sick of myself, you guys. Just, like, bored with my every thought and when I try to write something here, I get frustrated and quit because WHO CARES NO ONE WANTS TO READ THIS, especially if I don't want to write it.

I guess I'll post this anyway? What's another terrible post that I put absolutely no thought into? You know? Whatever. Who cares.

What's going on with everyone else? I've been really bad about keeping up with the internet lately.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

violence is never the answer except for right now it totally is

Last week I talked about TV characters I'd like to hug so it's only right that now I talk about TV characters I'd like to PUNCH IN THE FACE. Or babymaker. Or BOTH! Yeah, both. This came up mostly because of numbers 4 and 5 below, because I feel like lately we are always watching either Friday Night Lights or Mad Men. Joe actually makes, like, strangley noises and punches the air (which is pretty entertaining) whenever number 4 is onscreen, flashing his smug face all over the place. But anyway. Dear all of you on this list, I PUNCH YOU IN YOUR STUPID BUTT FACE.

1. Colonel Tigh (and his wife), Battlestar Galactica


Remember that time he got drunk and said mean things to Starbuck? Or that other time he got drunk and said mean things to Starbuck? Or that time he got drunk and said mean things to everyone? Or that time he got drunk and declared martial law? Or that time he got drunk and threw President Roslin in jail? UGH. That guy needs a punch, right in his good eye.

2. Kate Austen, Lost

Hmm, yes, I would also like to throw mud at her face.

This one needs no explanation but I will offer this: she broke Nathan Fillion's heart and for that she gets PUNCHED.

3. Greg Harris, Mad Men

This guy is the worst. I hope he dies in Vietnam. It's hard to say why I hate him so without spoilering everyone so I'll stay quiet but I will say that I cheered and clapped when this happened:


4. JD McCoy's dad, Friday Night Lights

Congratulations, you've won first place in the PUNCH TO THE FACE contest you didn't even know you entered.

I forget his name but he is EVIL. He's like Buddy Garrity without a soul. He actually reminds me a lot of Aaron Echolls but, as far as I know, he's never murdered anyone. Maybe he's Aaron's brother or something. Do you think Friday Night Lights and Veronica Mars exist in the same universe? I hope they do, if only so one day Landry and Mac meet at college and get married and have the smartest, nerdiest babies ever.

5. Betty Draper, Mad Men

That's why her hair is so big. It's full of EVIL.

This one doesn't really require explanation, either. Grow up, Betty. PUNCH.

6. Diana Fowley, The X-Files

I forget where I found this but isn't the internet a magical place?

You might think this one is a little odd since A) the show has been off the air for the last hundred years and B) I think she ended up dying anyway, but NO. I will punch Diana Fowley in the face until the end of days. Although, really I should probably be punching Chris Carter for creating such an unnecessary Mulder-Scully-LoveTrain-Speedbump character in the first place, but he's not imaginary (?) so I can't put him on the list. Those are the rules according to the rules.

Also! I need to add someone to the list of TV people who need a hug and that person is WALTER BISHOP from Fringe because OMG he needs, like, a hug an hour or something. C'mon. Look at this face.

I'm sorry, I can't talk right now because I am crippled by sadness.

He should stop doing whatever he's doing with the vortexes and other universes (note: we are only about halfway through the third season) and invent a hugging robot instead. I actually think everyone on this show needs a hug (I volunteer for all Pacey-hugs!) but Walter the most.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Just call me Sawyer

So I was in a glass case of emotion pretty much all of last weekend and not just because of Ripley but because ALSO we bought a house. Or, you know, started the process of buying a house because, weirdly enough, it's not like going to the store and buying something and then it's yours. It's more like, you go to the store and ask to buy, say, a chocolate cake for a certain price and then the store is like, "hmm, no, how about this price," and you're like, "well...OK, that sounds reasonable," and then you sign a bunch of paperwork and maybe in a month or two, after some cake experts inspect the chocolate cake you want to buy, you can have it.

We are at the cake expert stage of home-buying, meaning we've signed all of our paperwork (I think?) and just have to wander around what will hopefully soon be our house with some strangers and cross our fingers that nothing is terribly wrong. I think I'm still wrapping my brain around the house thing because I found out about the house the same day I found out about Ripley, so my emotions were like a rollercoaster from Hell on crack WHATEVER THAT MEANS. I don't think it will feel real until we have the keys. That said, I have already started thinking about decorating and I don't even like decorating that much WHO AM I.

I sort of can't believe anyone sold us a house. I guess I've gotten really good at this grown-up ruse I've been pulling for the last ten years because apparently I look trustworthy. I don't FEEL trustworthy, though. I mean, this was happening while we waited for the realtor to gather our final paperwork:


Can you believe we were allowed to buy a house? I mean, seriously. Most of the time I feel like I'm pretending to be a grown up. Like, I don't really feel all that different now than I did ten years ago, so it's very disconcerting to me that I'm married and my friends are starting to have babies and I JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE. I don't feel old enough to do those things. I don't feel almost 30 but, I don't know, maybe I do, because who knows what almost 30 is supposed to feel like?

My mom said something on Saturday, when we got home from the vet and were sitting around moping, trying not to look at the dog toys littering the carpet. She said, "Can I be done being a grown up now? I don't like it anymore," and you guys, it was like the floor fell out from underneath me because I realized I'll probably feel like this forever. Like I'm pretending or pulling the world's longest con, hoodwinking the world into thinking I know what I'm doing.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


My parents had a dog, Rusty, when I was born and we were total BFFs. I was about 10, I think, when we had to get Rusty put to sleep. My dad vowed never again would we get another dog. Not only was my dad the one who had to take Rusty to the vet the last time, but before he left, I gave him some pictures I'd drawn of Rusty playing in Dog Heaven to put in Rusty's casket in case he got lonely. OMG CAN YOU IMAGINE. I'm surprised my dad was able to take Rusty at all, but he did, and as he drove away, my mom, sister, and I stood at the window, waving goodbye and crying.

We eventually did get another dog. Not, in case you were wondering, when I brought home a "Let Jennie Get A Dog" petition that I'd had my entire class sign, but when I was in high school. My aunt's lab had puppies, like a million of them, and we somehow convinced my dad to let us take home a teensy chocolate one. We named her Ripley because, as my dad would tell people, "believe it or not, we got another dog."

You can maybe see where this is going. Probably. I don't know. This morning my mom called and said it was time to put Ripley to sleep. I'd been expecting it but still wasn't ready for it, you know? Ripley's health had been declining for the last year and a half and lately she'd stopped eating and was having trouble even walking to get outside.

So this morning, I wandered around the condo a bit, probably freaking Max the hell out with all of my crying, and went over to my parents' to say goodbye to Ripley before we took her to the vet. The vet was...well, it was as terrible as I'd imagined, if not moreso, but we all stayed in the room with her when it happened. And it was awful, just awful, and I felt like I couldn't catch my breath through my tears, but I'm glad I was there with her.

I'd planned on driving separately on the way to the vet, but it felt right, my sister, Ripley, and I piled into the backseat of my parents' car, the bulk of Ripley in my lap, taking our last trip together. And as I buried my face in the scruff of her neck, I thought of that night, almost 13 years ago, when we took her home for the first time, how she'd crawled into my lap in the same exact way.

And then I cried and cried and cried THE END except not really because I CAN'T. STOP. CRYING.

Excuse me, I need to go cuddle Max.

Monday, September 05, 2011

FREE HUGS but only for imaginary people

I've been rewatching Mad Men because it's now on Netflix Instant so WHY NOT? The other night, I watched one from the third season in which little Sally Draper is inconsolable with grief, sobbing, stomping her feet, screaming at her family, and they send her to watch TV. THEY SEND HER TO WATCH TV. I wanted to jump into the TV and give her a hug, smooth down her flyaway hair, and tuck her into bed, which is how I assume any decent human being would act, so of course Betty Draper whines and makes it all about her and yells at Sally for being "hysterical" and Don sits there, downing a drink and smoking.

And so here, in no particular order, are five TV characters I would like to give a big hug:

1. Sally Draper, Mad Men

Sally and her tutu of sadness.

Poor Sally. Her mom is Betty, need I say more? No, probably not, but I will. Sally Draper is the cutest, with her 60s wardrobe and little lisp and I guess Betty is nice sometimes but most of the time she can't be bothered to mother anybody, probably because she's still a child herself, but she really drops the ball with Sally. Don's not much better, since he's barely around and when he IS around, he's drunk or drinking or smoking or reading the paper or fighting with Betty. I don't know why I feel like Sally needs all the hugs and Bobby's fine but I'LL SAY IT, Bobby? Meh. They don't do much with Bobby, really, and he's been recast like fifty times, so no wonder I can't bring myself to care.

2. Matt Saracen, Friday Night Lights

I can't even tell you what episode this picture is from OR YOU WOULD CRY FOREVER.
This kid can't catch a break. Mom ran off when he was a baby. Dad's in Iraq and then OOPS SPOILERS NEVER MIND. Adorable grandma has dementia. He has to take care of his grandma, work, do all his schoolwork, he's QB1 (most of the time), and he never complains, you guys, like ever. He needs more hugs than anyone ever and not just from Julie, who only loves him when it's convenient oops that was way harsh, I didn't really mean that. Anyway, every time he has a scene with Coach or Tami Taylor, I spend most of it hoping they'll just give him a hug and if they won't, I will.

3. Hurley, Lost

Don't cry, Hurley. If you cry, I cry.
I think Hurley is actually OK now, wherever he is (sideways-heaven's-waiting-room world? the island? in Heaven doing sex with Libby?) but I just think Hurley is the most huggable TV character in all of TV.

4. The 10th Doctor, Doctor Who

Look at this face:

All byyyyyy myyyyyself...don't wanna be, aaaaaall byyyyy myself
This is the face of someone who needs a hug.

Also, [insert obligatory "I'd like to do more than just hug the 10th Doctor AMIRITE" statement here].

5. Bill Haverchuck, Freaks and Geeks

I mean, come on. If this kid doesn't need a hug, I don't know who does.