Tuesday, November 30, 2004

highlight of the day

Well, it was GOING to be the turkey sandwich I made with leftover turkey. BUT.

Then I watched Jeopardy. I've been waiting for this moment for MONTHS.

Ken Jennings. Finally. Lost.

He lost! Yay!

Long time readers may remember my extreme (and completely irrational) dislike of Ken Jennings. I'm just so happy. The nightmare is finally over. I can finally watch Jeopardy again without wanting to claw out my eyes and jab spoons in my ears.

Happy, happy day.


Since I'm getting so many new visitors from BE, I thought I'd post something new so the first thing people saw was not "holy shitballs." One (of the three, whoohoo!) comment on my blog explosion account asked that I bring the profanity down a bit.

Stop laughing.

To this person, I have to say thanks for commenting but there is no way in hell (see?) I'm going to be able to stop with the profanity. I watch my language in front of my grandma, professors, my young cousins, and at church. However, I don't censor myself on this blog and I never will. Pretty much everything you see (not everything, though, my brain is a scary place) comes out like it sounds in my head, curse words and all. Sorry if it offends, but I'm not going to stop doing it. All I can say is, if you don't like profanity, you probably don't want to read any of my entries from November 2nd to about the 5th.

When I was a freshman in college, I took a beginning Psych class. We were studying behavior modification and the prof told us we all had to pick something we wanted to change about ourselves and then actually try to change it, using positive or negative reinforcement.

I decided I was going to try to stop cursing as much because, if anything, I have become less profane than I used to be. When I went away to college, those words just flew out of my mouth. Why? I think it was because I had worked at a library for two years, often around children, and I had all these words bottled up inside of me that were just dying to get out. And so, freshman year, they did.

My experiment was simple. Instead of putting money in a jar for every curse word I said, I decided I would inflict pain upon myself. I put a rubber band around my wrist, and every time I cursed I would snap the rubber band against the inside of my wrist. And I couldn't NOT do it, because I'd stupidly told all of my friends about the experiment. Every time I cursed their eyes would light up with anticipation, waiting for me to snap the rubber band and flinch with pain. Assholes.

The experiment was supposed to last a week. After a day of torturing myself, I had to put the rubber band on the other wrist. Two days later, I had given up completely because both wrists were red and tender.

After the experiment, I accepted the fact that I will probably always have a dirty mouth.

Give up profanity?

Fuck that.

Monday, November 29, 2004

holy shitballs

I joined BlogExplosion yesterday, and my traffic is way up already. Usually I'm lucky to get about 50 visitors a day. Today I've had 120 so far.

Hot damn!

kiss my ass

I got this from another blog, but for the life of me, I can't find a link to it. Sue me.

A post-election poem . . .

In the spirit of reconciliation with my Republican friends and neighbors, I offer this poem:

The election is over, the results are now known.
The will of the people has clearly been shown.

We should show by our thoughts and our words and our deeds
That unity is just what our country now needs.

Let's all get together.
Let bitterness pass.

I'll hug your elephant.

You kiss my ass!

Sunday, November 28, 2004

sweet dreams

The past two nights I have dreamed of someone I haven't seen since the summer after graduating from high school. For those counting, that was four and a half years ago.

If I run into this person sometime soon, I'm going to freak out.


Things I did today:

watched Corky Romano
folded a load of laundry
hung Christmas lights outside
watched Desperate Housewives
finished a book
became addicted to BlogExplosion
gave up on the novel (for now)
cleaned my room

Things I should have done today but didn't:

cleaned the bathroom
cleaned the living room
changed my sheets

Oh well.


It's almost time for Desperate Housewives! Whoooooohoooooooooo!!

So, I'm living vicariously through a TV show, you say? What of it?

what would brian boitano do?

South Park: the movie is on Comedy Central right now, with all the dirty language and everything. I was just thinking, is it bad that I know all the words to every song? And I can pretty much recite the entire movie along with it. I don't care. I love this movie.

Once junior year we tried to play South Park: The Drinking Game. We watched the movie and drank every time they said a cuss word. After about five minutes, we changed it so we only drank when they said "fuck." After half an hour, we stopped playing because none of us wanted to die.

If I ever try out for American Idol (doubtful) I think I'll use "Uncle Fucka" for my audition song.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

highlight of the day

Hearing my dad yell, "It's a chimney, you stupid bitch!" while watching Hildy on Trading Spaces express confusion about what you call "that chute thing Santa comes down."

I hate Hildy.

raindeer heads on stakes

Since Thanksgiving has come and gone, today we started putting up Christmas decorations. We don't put up nearly as many as we used to. Our house used to be covered with colored lights and we always had some kind of lit up statue in our yard. For a while, we had this stake that had Rudolph's head on it. Wait, that sounds bad, like we're Vikings or Huns or something. But we're not. Anyway, Rudolph's head was made of wood, and painted brown (obviously) but his nose was just this huge, red, lightbulb. So at night, all you could see in our yard was this dot of red light.

Now that my sister and I are older, putting up the tree isn't as fun as it used to be. We used to fight over who would get to put certain ornaments up. I always had to hang the elf shoe with the tiny bells because we used to tease our old dog Rusty with it. My sister always wanted to hang, well, everything else. Now, however, we fight about who HAS to put the ornaments up. Except for the elf shoe, I'm still all over that one.

This afternoon, after the tree was decorated and the stockings were hung, I decided I wanted to hang some lights outside. No problem, except none of us had any idea where all of the outside light strands were, other than some vague directions from my dad. "Under the stairs in a Tupperware container."

No they weren't. I finally found them in the closet off of the bathroom in the basement (which I guess TECHNICALLY is under the stairs, but I know that's not what my dad meant). I took them upstairs and opened the bin to find at least 5 strands of light all tangled up. Most of them work, though. I was going to hang them tonight, but then it got dark (you know, like it does) and started raining. I'll do it tomorrow. As long as it's not raining.

Oh, and to the person who found this blog by searching for "ashlee simpsons AIM screenname," it's AssleeNotBlonde. And YOU'RE WELCOME.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

giving thanks

So, I'm giving into peer pressure and telling everyone what I'm thankful for. Not that I think anyone will be reading this tonight, because I'm guessing that if your family is anything like mine, you'll be hungover from turkey and wine for the next couple days anyway.

Here are the things I'm thankful for:

1. This is obvious. My family, of course, for being able to handle death with grace, love, and especially humor.

2. My friends for still being friends with me even when I send them e-mails about hot dogs or Mr. Darcy or Will Ferrell being my lover.

3. Late night infomercials, especially the Time-life music ones. Last night, I watched one for the 150 best romance songs and heard "Moon River" about five times.

4. Mashed potatoes. Ok, basically potatoes in any form.

5. My dog, even though her ears are bald and her farts smell like skunk plus rotten eggs.

6. My fish, even though it's plotting to kill me.

7. Mr. Darcy.

8. Wine, especially at family events, even though it never ends well, like a few weeks ago at the event I will fondly remember as That Time I Drank Wine All Day And Night And Puked And Had My Worst Hangover Ever In Front Of My Parents. TTIDWADANAPAHMWHEIFOMP, for short.

9. Spongebob Squarepants watches from Burger King.

10. Febreze.

11. Desperate Housewives.

12. Lost.

13. Jon Stewart, for getting me through the next four years.

14. Starbucks.

15. Republicans (haha, J/K!)

16. My Alias DVDs, for preparing me in case I am ever taken hostage by Russians or ever have to steal a piece of art from a museum.

17. My trusty thesaurus, or should I say, my trusty "onomasticon/lexicon/storehouse of words."

18. You all, for still reading this blog even when I talk about my underwear and Elf and mucus and you EVEN school me on digital cameras.


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

for my 17th post of the day

Christmas comes early this year. At least for John Mayer fans, and as you may have gathered, I am a John Mayer fan.

John Mayer Has a TV Show premieres on December 9th on VH1.

Thank you, Santa.


To the person who found my blog by searching for "pictures of a stiffie":


And I'm guessing this wasn't what you were looking for.

And also? Thanks for giving me my best search phrase hit ever.

what TIME is it?!

I am now the proud owner of a Plankton watch from Burger King. I will wear it with pride.

Until I can buy a Spongebob one, of course.

gobble gobble

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and you know what that means! That's right, it means I will be at my grandparent's house, fighting with my Aunt Carla over the last scoop of mashed potatoes. I think I would be just as happy if Thanksgiving included only turkey, mashed potatoes, and rolls. Call me boring, but I don't need all that extra stuff. I don't like yams, I don't like cranberry sauce, and I am very picky about stuffing. I'm actually a very picky person for someone who doesn't cook.

One of my favorite Thanksgivings ever was six years ago at my Aunt Carla's. Her dogs, Rowdy and Randi, had just had eleven puppies. They were all chocolate and black labs. They weren't even a month old on Thanksgiving, because they'd been born on Halloween. We got our dog, Ripley, from that litter. Honestly, I can't think of anything more fun than playing with a litter of puppies for hours. Even taking them outside to go to the bathroom was fun. We all took turns walking outside with a puppy under each arm.

I'm looking at Ripley right now, as she sleeps on the floor, groaning and farting in her old age, and I'm very thankful I don't have to carry her outside to go to the bathroom anymore.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

the evidence is adding up

Adding more suspicion to the theory that I am, in fact, adopted and that my father and I will never agree on the merits of any movie, my father (or is he?) just said that The Day After Tomorrow was better than Elf.

I was speechless. Don't worry, it was only for a moment.

Honestly, I don't really think you can compare the two. Elf is a fun-for-all-ages, Christmas romp through New York City and The Day After Tomorrow is, well, a flaming piece of shit.

Now, I will go watch Scrubs, which, inexplicably, my father also does not enjoy. HOW is that possible?

so, like, in two days then?

I really meant to work on my novel tonight, but instead I made popcorn and watched one of the stupidest movies ever made. The only reason I watched it was because Jake Gyllenhaal is in it so I figured it couldn't be all bad. Oh, Jake. What were you thinking?

It doesn't say much about a movie when I'm more worried about them burning books to keep warm than I am if the characters live or die. I hope they were burning all the Grisham and Danielle Steele and Nicholas Sparks books and not something good like, say, anything else.

Monday, November 22, 2004


The underwear I'm wearing right now have spent the majority of the day completely wedged up my butt.

Just thought I'd share.

clueless (as usual)

Here's the thing. I'm asking my parents for a digital camera for Christmas, and my mom wants me to tell her a few ideas so she knows what cameras to look at.

The problem? I don't really know anything about digital cameras. I don't know what a good price to pay is, I don't know what brands are better than others, I don't know what software I need or how I'll print the photos. Basically, I know jack shit about digital cameras, other than what ones I think are shiny and pretty, and that's not very helpful.

But if any of you brilliant and technologically savvy people out there have any advice on the subject, I'd be very grateful.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

the week of Darcy

If my life has had a theme this past week, it would have to be either mucus or Mr. Darcy. And frankly, I'd rather focus on Mr. Darcy.

I found myself strangely drawn in to this book called Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife, a sequel to Pride and Prejudice although not, obviously, written by Jane Austen, of course, but in the same style. It was addicting. Then, my mom and I managed to watch the entire Pride and Prejudice miniseries, all six hours of it, while we were sick. Once we finished that, we moved onto Girl with a Pearl Earring, starring Colin Firth, aka, Mr. Darcy.

I also managed to sqeeze in two viewings of Love Actually (Firth alert) and also two of Bridget Jones. And last night, the SNL that Colin Firth hosted was on.

And today, my friends, I saw Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. My life is complete. I can now die happy, because I've witnessed Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fighting like girls in a fountain.

I really enjoyed the sequel, although not as much as the original. I especially enjoyed when Bridget made a comment about wishing Mark Darcy would show up at her door in a wet, white shirt.

Pride and Prejudice fans, I know you know what I'm talking about.

Saturday, November 20, 2004


Fighting with my sister often leads to many things. When we were younger, it usually led to violence. Hair pulling, biting, name calling, slapping, punching, and eventual separation by our exasperated mother.

Last night, it led to my sister dumping her full glass of water on my lap. The minor transgression was on my part. She had left the room, I sat in her chair, and changed the TV channel. She got mad. Bickering ensued. Fighting escalated and I ended up soaking wet. Suddenly we're 8 and 12 again, and as such, I did what any 12-year-old would do. I told.

She was banished to her room, blaming me, of course, for forcing her to commit the atrocity of saturation.

This happens a lot. Not the water throwing (although it has in the past), but the constant bickering. She resents me, I think, not just for being first, but for encroaching on her territory after being gone for so long. I resent her for saying things to me that I fear are true. "You're lazy, you're worthless, you'll never get a job, I hate you."

The fighting picks up again this morning. Old names are pulled out; brat, idiot, bitch, until I remember that I'm no longer 12 and I roll my eyes and hold my tongue.

My sister retreats to her room, I retreat to my book and things quiet down. She showers and after, comes out to tell me something. I prepare for more fighting and make sure there are no cups of water around.

"I'm done in the bathroom if you need in there," she says. Civil. I nod. A silent truce is called.

I shower and get dressed. I turn on the radio, because 99.9, as they do every year, is playing Christmas music 24-7 until Christmas Day. An echo tells me that my sister is listening to the same station. I walk into her room and pretend to sing along to "O Come all ye Faithful," flailing my arms and making exaggerated singing faces and suddenly all is forgiven.

For now.


Today my blog is one year old. Happy First Birthday, Blog!

I feel like I should do something celebratory, but I don't know what. What kind of cake do you think my blog likes?

Friday, November 19, 2004

I'm Jennie . . . I'm disgusting

I just looked in the mirror and I really, really hope no one rings the door right now because I look scary. I haven't showered since Wednesday morning because I was too busy yesterday blowing my nose every 5 minutes and hacking my lungs up. The only thing I could manage to do was make tea and watch half of Pride and Prejudice with my mom, who was also busy hacking a lung up.

I don't think I brushed my hair once yesterday, and it looks it. It's greasy and sticking up in five different places, and the part is all jagged and not in a good way. My shirt smells like Vicks VapoRub and there's a huge stain on it where I spilled broth from my Chicken and Stars soup. And I just knocked over my glass of water, so my pants are all wet.

Also? I haven't shaved my legs in a reeeeeeeeally long time.

But don't worry. I'm getting in the shower RIGHT NOW.

And I might even shave my legs.

Probably not, though.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

bite me, November

It turns out I don't have a cold. I have freaking bronchitis. So does my mom. I haven't had bronchitis since I was little (I don't think).

It's so fun!

My mom went to the doctor earlier. I didn't go because I had the exact same symptoms other than shortness of breath. The doctor said we both have it, and that's it's going around (so WATCH OUT) but my mom's is worse because of her asthma. Which means she feels shittier than I do, so she must be feeling reeeeeeeally bad.

Mucus sucks.

Seriously, I don't know when I slipped into some dimension where November equals complete and utter HELL on earth, but I'd like to go back now, please.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

it's so obvious that I'm putting something off

Ok. I'm planning on working on the novel for a while tonight. I've managed to distract myself from it all day. Not that I was doing anything important. I wasn't. All the same, I was very distracted by my book, other blogs, homework, posting stupid entries on my own blog (see all entries from today), dinner, making a "quarantine" sign for the back door, Lost, the height of my desk chair, and now Full House reruns.

The only important thing on that list was watching Lost. I'm obsessed with that show. It's probably my favorite show on TV, aside from The Daily Show, but that doesn't count because it's a "news" show. I wish it was on every night. It'd be great if I could design my own TV network, because it would only play shows I like.

Actually, that's probably what Tivo is, right? I'm not really sure what Tivo does, other than it apparently records things it thinks you'll like.

I just noticed that I somehow got peanut butter on the cover of a book I haven't even READ yet. I also tore the cover. I hate when my books don't look pristine and new. That's mainly why I hate lending my books to people. No one else takes the kind of care as I do (read: obsessive) when they borrow them. Once I asked a friend to replace the book her sister has sat on, because the cover was all bent, and she just laughed at me. She thought I was kidding. I wasn't.

fly away

I was in Meijer the other day. Do they have those everywhere or just in Ohio? Basically it's like Wal-Mart, Kroger, and Target all rolled into one. It has everything. You could do your grocery shopping, buy a new TV, cash your paycheck, sell your children, complete your Christmas shopping, and get your pictures developed all in one place. Recently, the Meijer in my neighborhood has done a lot of renovation. The store used to look really warehouse-y, kind of like Sam's Club or Big Bear. Well, now it looks more like Target pretty much everywhere but the grocery section.

Meijer will never be Target, though, and you know why? Because there are always birds flying around Meijer. Always. I was standing in the pet section, looking at those dorky figurines you can put in fish bowls (shut up) and when I looked up I saw two birds (sparrows or something, I'm not a freaking ornithologist) sitting up in the rafters. You never see that at Target. I have no idea how the birds get into Meijer, but every time I go in there (which is not very often because I hate Meijer with the fire of a thousand suns) they're there.

This was about the time I started laughing hysterically, scaring the little old lady down the aisle, because I was picturing someone getting home with their new desk or sweater or crate of oranges and finding bird poop all over it.

water, snot, and pee

I cannot stop drinking water today. I think I'm on my 8th glass. I'm sure it's because I have a cold and I've been walking around with my mouth hanging open like a confused redneck. No offense to rednecks, confused or otherwise.

I hate being sick. At least sick like this, where I don't really feel all that bad so I can't get away with staying in bed all day watching awful Lifetime movies. But having a cold is just a pain in the ass. First of all, most cold medicine makes me feel weird. I'm taking Dayquil right now and that seems to be OK, as long as I don't accidently overdose. I took some random medicine from the cabinet the other night, thinking it'd knock me out and I'd get a really good night's sleep. No, instead I felt dizzy and jittery like I was drunk or high or had too much coffee. I read the back of the bottle the next morning and the warning label said to stop taking it if you experienced dizziness or sleeplessness. WTF? I don't think normal cold medicine should have a warning label.

Also? I keep blowing my nose but NOTHING COMES OUT. I know there's stuff up there. Hence the heavy, mouth-breathing. Seriously, every time I blow my nose and something comes out I get a little excited. Sure, it's disgusting but it's kind of fascinating that that much stuff can come out of your own body.

The major thing that sucks about drinking all this water is that I'm peeing every 20 minutes, which is annoying as hell. I have a small bladder and usually have to pee ALL THE TIME on normal days when I try to limit my beverage intake, but add in twenty liters of water and if I find myself far from a bathroom I'm completely screwed.

I guess I'll stop talking about my bodily functions. At least for right now. I need more water.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

phobia friend

Someone found my blog by searching for "irrational fear of zombies."

My work here is done.

reason number 538 that I'm going straight to hell

Baxlala: today I saw a car with both a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker AND a Creed sticker

HotBowlofChilli: I saw that on your blog a few mintues ago....I don't know how you resisted not hitting that car

Baxlala: I would have, but it was a pretty shitty car anyway

HotBowlofChilli: i love the fact that the dj's on the radio station we listen to at work are ruthless when it comes to creed and the lead singer and altar bridge

Baxlala: everyone hates Scott Stapp

Baxlala: even Jesus

HotBowlofChilli: Jesus is prolly like "stop pretending to have my super powers"

Baxlala: hahaha, right now I'm picturing Jesus wearing a cape

HotBowlofChilli: if I was Jesus, I'd wear a cape

Baxlala: me too

Baxlala: not tights, though

HotBowlofChilli: cuz you'd just get made fun of for wearing a cape...but Jesus could pull it off, cuz it's not cool to make fun of Jesus

Baxlala: I wonder what super powers Jesus has

Baxlala: besides walking on water

Baxlala: and turning water into wine

Baxlala: and, you know, raising the dead

HotBowlofChilli: x-ray vision?

Baxlala: oooh, good one

Baxlala: invisibility?

HotBowlofChilli: reading minds?

Baxlala: oh, definitely

HotBowlofChilli: attracting metal things, like magneto?

HotBowlofChilli: although I don't know how much metal they had back then

Baxlala: I bet he could walk through walls and stuff, too

HotBowlofChilli: that's a good one

HotBowlofChilli: I remember I once made this kid very offended when I posed the question: if Jesus, Socrates, and Confucius got in a fight, who would win?

Baxlala: a fist fight or a verbal fight?

HotBowlofChilli: fist

Baxlala: well, you know it wouldn't be Jesus

Baxlala: he's a pacifist

HotBowlofChilli: but what if Socrates attacked? would he defend himself?

Baxlala: I don't think so

HotBowlofChilli: you think he'd just take the beating? or would he disapparate?

HotBowlofChilli: (apparently now Jesus has Harry Potter magical powers)

Baxlala: is this regular Jesus or new and improved Super!Jesus

HotBowlofChilli: superjesus

Baxlala: cause I think Super!Jesus would fight back

Baxlala: and then he'd win, because the other two have no super powers

Baxlala: that we are aware of

HotBowlofChilli: but does Confucius know martial arts?

Baxlala: I don't know

Baxlala: let's say he does, though, that's still no match for Super!Jesus's wolverine claws

HotBowlofChilli: I think it's agreed that Socrates is a wuss and would get his ass beaten by the other two...I don't think he even figures into the equasion

Baxlala: oh, I agree

Baxlala: he'd just stand there asking questions until someone punched him in the face

HotBowlofChilli: but what if Confucius has throwing stars and keeps out of distance from the claws?

HotBowlofChilli: perhaps superjesus and Confucius would just team up in kicking Socrates' ass

Baxlala: then Super!Jesus could use his invisibility skills

Baxlala: ooooh, that's interesting

HotBowlofChilli: and then they could be the super-philospher friends

Baxlala: I think if Confucius and Super!Jesus put their minds to it, they could take over the world

HotBowlofChilli: too bad we don't have rings to summon them like Captain Planet...because I think they'd both be all about deposing our president

Baxlala: oh, they would

Baxlala: Jesus would be all "stop pretending you're doing what my dad told you!"

HotBowlofChilli: and Confucius would just throw pointy stars at his head

Baxlala: that would be awesome

Baxlala: by the way, this is all going in my blog

HotBowlofChilli: as it should

homicidal tendencies

On the way to Sinclair today, I saw a car with both a Bush/Cheney sticker AND a Creed sticker.

I have never wanted to run a car off the road more.

oddly enough

I can always count on Yahoo's Odd News to cheer me up.

Nude Man Jumps into Lizard Tank at Zoo: A man was undergoing psychiatric evaluation after he jumped naked into a pool of carnivorous reptiles at the Bronx Zoo, authorities said. (Well, no shit.)

Bush and Blair Accused of Mangling English: Humphrys picks on Bush -- who once famously used the word "misunderestimate" -- and pokes fun at him as someone who "often speaks as though English were his second language." (I'm a sucker for any story that brings up Dubyaspeak)

Sniffer dog gets death threats: A drug sniffer dog working at a prison in Manchester has received death threats because it is so good at its job, a newspaper has reported. (These people realize dogs can't read, right?)

Big Bottom Mannequins Boost Profile in New York: "These mannequins look great, and there is a real sex appeal about them." (Isn't giving a mannequin sex appeal just asking for trouble?)

Dropping Drawers for Charity: Want to see a middle-aged guy with a receding hairline and a paunch take off his clothes? (who DOESN'T?!)

Ohio Woman Runs Rescue Mission for Rats: Jennifer Mitchell's apartment is full of rats, and that's exactly how she wants it. Mitchell runs a rat rescue mission, caring for dozens of rats from people who get overwhelmed when their pet rodents have multiple babies. (Does this remind anyone else of that episode of Friends when Phoebe's rat Bob had babies? Also, can I just say again how proud I am to be from Ohio? I mean . . . wow, just . . . wow.)

Monday, November 15, 2004


Ok, so this has been a pretty shitty month. Bush was elected, my grandpa had a stroke and died, my friend's grandpa died, my aunt's girlfriend's mom died, and my mom found out today that someone she used to work with was found dead in her home with her husband, also dead. They both died of gunshot wounds, but there were no signs of struggle so they don't really know what happened. Also, I think after Saturday night/Sunday morning I may never be able to drink wine again. EVER.

And the month is only half over. So far, this is shaping up to be the November from hell. I told my parents that if one more bad thing happens, I'm going to hole myself up in my room for a couple of weeks.

So I'm trying to look on the bright side, because I hate being pessimistic and depressed, or "in a funk" as my mom called it. First of all, Elf comes out tomorrow and no one can be depressed while watching Will Ferrell cavort about in tights and a cute, little green hat. And Bridget Jones is back in action. I can't be in a bad mood when I know Mr. Darcy is off making the world a better place once again.

We also got something in the mail today saying the cable company is adding new channels. One they've added is Adult Swim OnDemand. Now I can watch a clueless meatball and a rude milkshake ANY TIME I WANT. Another channel is called Boomerang, and so far today they've played The Jetsons, Flintstones, Scooby Doo, The Smurfs, and, best of all, The Snorks. Awesome.

And, I know it's wrong to try and make myself feel better with TV, but I'm really enjoying E!'s 50 Most Wicked Women.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

I'm OK with that

So, I think I should really be working on the novel, since I'm so far behind it's ridiculous and I didn't work on it AT ALL all week because of all the funeral stuff. I think I'm supposed to be at something like 25,000 words and I'm at almost 4,000. That's just sad. At this point, I'm not sure it's going to be finished by November 30th and I'm OK with that.

On the other hand, I am a master procrastinator so this probably would have happened anyway and I'll end up writing the whole thing on the last three days of the month.

And I'm OK with that. (Did anyone else watch Arrested Development tonight, cause every time I say "I'm OK with that" I hear Jason Bateman's voice in my head and that is just SCARY)

Also? I think I'm getting sick AGAIN. I am not OK with that.

it's been a while

I feel like I haven't posted in so long. This week felt like it stretched on and on, what with the funeral and everything involved with that. On Thursday, we went to Grandpa's house to gather some photo albums. We ended up with three big boxes of photo albums and random photos. We took them home and I sat on the floor Thursday night and looked at every single one.

Friday was the funeral. Luckily, the weather was nice if a bit cold. That morning, I shaved my legs, I wore a skirt, I wore pantyhose, I wore high heels. Grandpa would have been proud, because he usually only saw me in jeans. Grandpa was always dressed up for everything. I never saw him wearing casual clothes.

I really don't know what to say about the funeral. It was a nice service. There was laughter, there were tears (oh, LOTS of tears), and it was a nice goodbye. The whole family kind of lost it walking out of the church behind the casket and we all stood outside the church crying and laughing at ourselves crying. I really like how my family handles things like this. I don't think funerals shouldn't be all uptight and completely somber. After the service, we all followed the hearse to the cemetary. I hadn't been out there since 6th grade, when my great grandma died, so it was nice to see her grave as well. We all got to keep a yellow rose (Grandpa's favorite flower) from the arrangement on top of the casket.

Eventually we all went back to the church for the wake. My dad's cousin had just adopted two babies from Guatemala. They were absolutely adorable and really good, considering they were passed around from person to person all day. At one point, I was playing Bingo with two of my younger cousins (although, they're all younger so that doesn't really narrow it down). Out of nowhere, Sammy lunged across the table, hugged me and said, "I miss Grandpa," and I just thought, "Oh, rip my heart out, why don't you."

It was definitely strange being at church without Grandpa. He was one of the church's founding members. He'd been going there for 50 years. When we were eating, I found myself looking around the room and then I realized I was looking for Grandpa.

Yesterday, we had the whole family over to our house because my mom's office ordered a bunch of food for us from Mama DiSalvo's. I don't want to say I drank too much wine . . . but I did and let's just say I didn't really feel human today til about 4 in the afternoon today. I don't want to talk about it.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

what a difference a letter makes

Did you know if you try and type the URL for my website (longstoryshort.blogspot.com) but instead accidently type "blogpsot" instead of "blogspot" you go to this website?

It's . . . odd. It's like my website but in the most alternate universe you could ever imagine.

I'm a bit freaked.

why won't Barbra Streisand just shut up already?

Things some people seem to love that I just don't get:

Fear Factor
Dubya (hee)
country music
Britney Spears
Jessica Simpson
high school
soap operas
Barbra Streisand
Nicholas Sparks

I blame it on the caffeine

Last night I had the strangest dreams, involving sign language, stealing gas from a BP, Joey and Ross from Friends, JD from Scrubs, and Pacey from Dawson's Creek.

My mind is a frightening place.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004


There's really no good way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. My grandpa died this morning. It was a surprise and it wasn't. He had a stroke a couple of weeks ago, but we really didn't know how badly he was affected. Eventually, it was decided that he was going to go to Hospice which usually only means one thing. I think we'd all resigned ourselves to the fact that it was only a matter of time before he died. But every time he'd open his eyes, it raised everyone's hopes. Every time the phone rang, it set everyone on edge, thinking that this would be "the call."

The phone rang around 3:30 this morning. It was my uncle, telling us that Grandpa's body had finally given out. My mom woke me up before she left for work to tell me. I was still half asleep and the news didn't really hit me until I got out of bed a couple hours later.

Like I said, it wasn't exactly a surprise that he died. We all knew it was coming. But as terrible as I am with change, I am GREAT with denial. I think in the back of my mind I was still hoping he'd pull through this, even though it looked really bleak. This man lived through having skin cancer and colon cancer. He was 94 years old, still able to walk, still had all his mental abilities, still drove (of course, this could be a negative or a positive, depending how you looked at it).

He was actually my great-grandfather, my dad's grandfather, but it was easy to forget that. My dad's father died before I was born, so my great-grandfather was the only grandpa I knew on that side of the family.

I've been really lucky. Grandpa is only the fourth person in my family to die (while I've been alive) and, aside from my great uncle a few months ago, they've all basically died because of old age. Really, when you think about it, we were all lucky that Grandpa was so stubborn that he stuck around long enough after he had the stroke for most of the family to have a chance to say goodbye.

I don't know how much I'll be posting this week. There's family coming in from California and we don't know when any of the services will be yet. I think things will be pretty hectic for a while.

On the other hand, one of the great things about this blog is that it's a great diversionary tactic. I might start posting random thoughts and bits of information just to get my mind off things.

Monday, November 08, 2004

I like to whisper, too

Elf comes out on DVD on November 16th!

I cannot tell you how excited I am.

Smiling's my favorite.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

mystery solved

More evidence of my nerdery. I just spent half an hour searching Google and I've found out the name of the tree (osage orange or Maclura pomifera) and a picture of the fruit.

I never found a specific name for the fruit, so I will continue to call it a monkey brain.

To read more about the osage orange, and its origins, go here. (I'm sure you will)

Thus ends today's science lesson.

monkey brains

The park was definitely the happening place to be this afternoon. (By the way, I cannot believe I just used the phrase "happening place") Ripley didn't know what to do with herself. The park was flooded with parents and strollers, Frisbee golfers, ducks and geese, and, best of all, monkey brains.

Yes, monkey brains. Does anyone have any idea what these are? I have no idea what they're really called, but I'm willing to bet it's not "monkey brains." It's some kind of lime green gourd/fruit, with a rippled texture that resembles, you guessed it, a brain. I don't know why they're called monkey brains and not like, giraffe brains or hippo brains. Dog brains would be more appropriate, since I've seen lots of dogs in this neighborhood, but never a monkey.

I just tried a search for "monkey brains Ohio" on Google, but all it turned up were science articles on the effects of whatever on a monkey's brain and, even more disturbing, recipes.

Does anyone have any idea what these things really are? They almost look like a fruit. They can range in size, I'd say anywhere between a baseball and a really large grapefruit. They grow on some kind of tree (I don't know what it's called) and I only see them this time of year. They're pretty heavy, too. I know this because when I tried to kick a large one into the pond, I hurt my toe.

I don't know why I'm all the sudden so interested in what these things are. I've seen them every fall. We used to throw them at each other in elementary school. And, if I recall correctly, once we tried to play a game of soccer with one.

In case you're interested, that doesn't really work.

he strikes again

I'm telling you, someone at Word of the Day has a sense of humor. Today's word of the day is "expatriate," meaning to leave one's native land and live elsewhere; to renounce allegiance to one's native land.

This guy is on a roll. He threw me off when yesterday's word was "catercorner," but come on, after today's word?

Janet's right, Kerry has a new job.


Have you ever had a dream that just sticks with you all day? I had one of those this morning, right before I got up. I don't really remember what the dream was about, or any of the significant details, just some of the people that were there and how I felt during it. I think if I tried to explain the dream, it wouldn't make sense to me, let alone anyone else, so I'm not even going to try.

I'll just enjoy it for the rest of the day.

Here ends the most boring post in history.

Saturday, November 06, 2004

over it

Well. It's been four days. I'm officially declaring myself OVER IT. The election (duh). Not that I'm suddenly thrilled, or any less angry or confused, but I think I've passed the point where I can blame my bitchy behavior on election-depression. I'll have to start blaming it on something else, like the fact that I'm a bitch.

It's a minor setback. Ok, maybe not so minor, but it's temporary. Power in politics shifts all the time. Just because it's all (and I do mean all) in the other guy's court at the moment doesn't mean I have to accept whatever he tells me. I'm not promising that there won't be any more angry posts, laden with bitterness and curse word after curse word, but hopefully they'll be few and far between. That's not really up to me, though. Hear that, Dubya?

So, I'm going to focus on other things for a while.

For instance, I started working on my novel last night, after having put it off since Monday. I'm really getting into it, even though I have absolutely no idea where it's going. I had an idea of what I wanted to happen later in the novel, but found that was too restricting, so now I'm letting my characters do whatever the hell they want. I'm determined to finish it, too. I've got about 46,700 words to go, and 25 days left to write them. Yikes.

wake up call

This morning when I woke up I found my cell phone underneath my pillow. Which is odd, even for me.

What had I been trying to do? Tempt the Cell Phone Fairy to my house? What exactly would the Cell Phone Fairy trade for cell phones? More than a dollar, I'd hope.

Then I remembered. Around two in the morning, my cell rang. This is not a strange occurance, especially on the weekends.

What was strange, however, and very disconcerting, is that I had forgotten that for some reason or another I'd turned the ring volume as high as it could go. Worse still, I had changed the ring tone to Stars and Stripes.

Do you know how frightening it is to wake up thinking a parade is marching through your room?

Apparently, so frightening that I just shoved the phone under my pillow to muffle the sound and simply fell back to sleep.

Friday, November 05, 2004

first non-election post in three days

I think it's really sad that I have Jingle Bells stuck in my head because Christmas commercials have started ALREADY.

I swear, I'm becoming a Buddhist and moving to a deserted island somewhere.

more fun with vocab

I swear whoever is in charge of picking the Word of the Day is a Democrat.

Today's word is "maleficent," meaning, evil, intensely spiteful, causing harm to others.

I think you can all guess where I'm going with this.

Thank you, England

Posted by Hello

Thursday, November 04, 2004

moving on . . . almost

Ok. I promise the bitter diatribes will stop soon. With the help of Conan O'Brien and Jon Stewart, I am no longer in a deep fog of depression. Instead, I have employed bitter jokes and laughter as a way of healing. Maybe it's not completely healthy, maybe I'll end up cynical and disillusioned (the chances are good, here), but I can't spend my life walking up to people, grabbing them by the shoulders, shaking them, and screeching, "WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?" because, you know what? Sooner or later someone is going to call the cops.

Right now, I've pretty much accepted the fact that I have to watch George W. Bush butcher the English language for another four years. I'm aware that this may be a very dark period in history unless something changes (doubtful).

I've moved out of wanting to read ONLY anything and everything about the election, even though it made me completely miserable, so that's good. I think I might cut myself off, because now every time I read something I start shaking and all I can see is red and when I come to I have blood all over me.

Apparently this election was all about "moral" "issues." Right. Who cares about terrorism, the economy, education, the environment, our dependence on foreign oil, health care, how the entire world hates us, and the total freaking mess that is Iraq, as long as Steve down the street can't marry his boyfriend.

I'm feeling a bit dolorous today

Word of the day must be psychic. Today's word of the day is "dolorous," meaning: mournful, causing or expressing grief.


The dolorous expression on her face told everyone she was a Democrat.

The nation was dolorous when they realized four years translates to 1,460 days.

You get the picture.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

mood update

Yep. Still pissed. Still bitter. Still depressed.

Four years seems like an awfully long time right now.

so, so bitter

I think I'm ready to try and talk about this. Let me begin by saying, just in case it wasn't obvious enough in all my previous posts, that I am really bitter. I mean, really, really, really bitter. And angry. I'm likening my feelings toward Bush winning to the five stages of grief.

First, there is Denial. I think I worked through that stage last night (or early this morning) as I watched the gap in Ohio grow and grow.

Next, we have Anger. I'm not done with this one yet. Not by a long shot. I don't think I will be for about, oh, four years. And the thought of being angry for another four years is exhausting.

Then, there's Bargaining. I was done with this one last night. It didn't really last very long.

Next? Depression. Oh, this one is here in spades. Actually, as of right now I'm pretty much bouncing between anger and depression.

Finally, Acceptance. Ha. I mean, I've accepted that Bush won, but I'm still really confused about it. It amazes me that so many people think he's doing a good enough job that he deserved four more years. I'm absolutely stunned. Honestly, I have no idea what to say about it.

And, I'm getting sick of some Republicans telling me to suck it up. Not to be a sore loser. Because this wasn't a game. Let us have a moment, ok? We're disappointed. Really disappointed. I'm not saying you can't gloat. God knows, I would be if Kerry had won. But put yourselves in our shoes for just a minute. A lot of us have been miserable and angry and embarrassed for four years, and we're just trying to work through the realization that we have another four years of the same, damn thing.

I'm so disappointed in this country, and also in Ohio. I'm ashamed to come from this state. Not just because the state went to Bush, but because the "Marriage Protection" Act passed with 60%. It passed in every state where it was an issue. That disgusts me. I realize people have certain beliefs. Good for them. But you know what? Just because YOUR god says something is wrong does not mean you have the right to push your beliefs onto others.

Why in the world are people so worried about what's going to happen if gay people get married? How does that take away from the sanctity of YOUR marriage? Why aren't you worried about all the divorce in this country? I think that's hurting marriage a lot more than two guys picking out china patters.

It also terrifies me that the Republicans control the House, the Senate, and the White House. I feel like my rights are in jeopardy. I feel like I have no voice. I feel like my vote meant shit.

Mostly? I'm just exhausted and I wish I could sleep for the next four years.

Dear Dubya,

Congratulations. You're still the president. But guess what? A lot of the country really hates you. I'm talking A LOT. Almost half. Can you feel it, in your fancy room in the White House?

You've got four more years. Please don't screw up the country any more than you already have. I know it'll be difficult.

PS: I still hate you.


Ohio is apparently still plaid and Iowa is fatigued (me too, Iowa, me too), so I'm going to try and get some sleep.

I'll try to figure out all this bullshit tomorrow.


dear Ohio,

I hate you.

green state?

Sooooo, Ohio is now a green state? (by the way, I am Baxlala, and my friend Amy is HotBowlofChilli)

HotBowlofChilli: WTF a GREEN state?


HotBowlofChilli: why don't we have a chartruse state?

HotBowlofChilli: like ohio needs to be singled out even more

Baxlala: haha

Baxlala: Ohio is now fushia

HotBowlofChilli: they should make it something hideous that will clash with both red and blue....like neon orange

Baxlala: that'd be awesome

Baxlala: ohio is now PINK

HotBowlofChilli: ohio should change colors every five minutes.....
"and, oh dear god....Ohio is now plaid!"


oh, Ohio

Ohio. What are you doing? You're becoming Florida. I TOLD you not to do this. Why didn't you listen? Why? WHY WHY WHY???

Ohio, you are on my shitlist right now.

dear omnipotent being,

Look. I know I said I wanted a clear cut winner by Wednesday morning. I was lying. I only meant that if Kerry was the clear cut winner. I don't want a clear cut winner if it's BUSH. If Bush wins, I want it to be after a month long fight in courts, involving many, many recounts.

Maybe I should have been more specific.

Dear Florida,

You are dead to me.

PS: Mickey Mouse can kiss my ass.


Lampl and I decided that if Bush wins we're going to start a riot.

Who else is in?

I'm considering starting a riot either way.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Dear Ralph Nader,

You are a douchebag.

PS: You too, Guliani.

good thing everyone in the house is sleeping right now

I think if anyone tried to talk to me right now, I'd seriously PUNCH them in the face.

I'm not kidding.

I'm so on edge right now, it's kind of scary.

I've never punched anyone in the face before. But I'd be willing to try it.

I'm wearing my lucky scarf and I'm not ashamed

My nerves are about shot to hell. I've been watching CNN continuously for about four hours, occassionally switching to the local NBC affiliate to catch up on elections around here, and, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes switching the channel to Sex and the City or Friends so I don't go completely crazy. Right now I'm watching The Daily Show (live) so I'm still watching election coverage (kind of) but at least I'm laughing.

Right now Bush has 186 votes and Kerry has 112. I'm trying not to freak out too much, mainly because there are still a lot of states up for grabs. Ohio being one of them.

I'm really disappointed in some of my fellow Ohioans for voting to pass Issue One. Issue One is the bullshit amendment that says only a man and a woman can be married. I didn't realize so many people in Ohio were so ignorant. True, I don't think it's totally decided yet, but I honestly thought it didn't have a chance in hell to pass.

I think I'll be up all night, glued to the TV. I'm OK with this. I just hope there's a clear cut winner by tomorrow morning.

I'll be honest. If Bush wins, I plan on throwing a tantrum of gargantuan proportions. People in California will hear my cursing. I'm not kidding. I'm just forewarning everyone, because if he wins there will be entry after entry on this blog bitching and moaning about the result. I never said I would accept defeat graciously. On the other hand, if Kerry wins, there will be much gloating and many, many exclamation points. And probably some Bush-bashing.

So, don't say I didn't warn you.

down to the wire

I just voted. I walked to the polling place, right up the street, feeling ready for battle. All the nightmares about my name not being on the list were coming to a head. Because of all the Republicans trying to challenge voters in Ohio, I was ultra-paranoid and armed with my voter's card, my license, my social security card, and my Witt student ID. Too be honest, I almost wanted someone to challenge me. I kept imagining different scenarios, many ending with me kicking one of the poll workers in the balls.

When I got to the polls, however, there were no people passing out pamphlets, no protestors, and no challengers. Instead, a grandmotherly type pointed me to my precinct (there was no line), I signed next to my name, and took my ballot.

I placed my ballot in the slot, opened the book, and started stabbing through the ballot with extreme glee. There'd be no hanging chads on my watch. After all the news stories about lawsuits around here, I'm in no mood for Ohio to become the next Florida.

As I handed in my ballot, I breathed a sigh of relief. All I can do now is hope for the best. I'll be glued to CNN, nervous and excited, until all the results are in.

I've done all I can.

And I even got a sticker.

why are you sitting there?


Monday, November 01, 2004

remarkable restraint

Tonight, as my parents and I were on our way to visit my grandpa, we passed a busy intersection. There was a crowd of people on the two corners, waving Bush/Cheney signs. I rolled my window down and stuck my hand out, preparing to make a hand gesture. Seeing this, my Republican father started to roll the window up with the master control, trapping my arm outside.

I'd just like to point out that the hand gesture I was about to make was a 'thumbs down.' I was not going to start waving my middle finger at the misguided people on the street, no matter how much I really wanted to.

What to do on Election Day

From the NY Times:

1. Know where to go. In many states, you will not be allowed to vote if you show up at the wrong polling place. Worse still, you may be given a provisional ballot to vote on that will later be thrown out. Your board of elections can tell you where to vote. If you can't reach the board, a nonpartisan hotline, 1-866-OURVOTE, has a polling place locator. So does the Web site www.mypollingplace.com.

2. Bring proper ID. The rules vary by state. If you have a photo ID, it's wise to bring it, just in case. Too often, poll workers demand ID when it is not required, or demand the wrong ID. If you do not know the law in your jurisdiction, you should check your local board of elections Web site.

3. Review the sample ballot before voting. Ballots are often confusing, and their designs can change considerably from election to election. And as the infamous "butterfly ballot" showed in 2000, a poorly designed ballot can trick voters into choosing a candidate they did not intend. If you have questions about how to vote on your ballot, ask a poll worker or poll monitor for help.

4. Check your ballot before finalizing your vote. As we saw in 2000, if punch card chads are not punched out precisely, votes may not be counted. On electronic machines, a brush of the hand can erase or change a vote. On paper ballots, stray or incomplete marks can disqualify a vote.

5. Know your rights concerning provisional ballots. No voter can be turned away in any state this year without being allowed to vote. If there is a question about your eligibility, you must be allowed to vote on a provisional ballot, the validity of which will be determined later. But if you are entitled to vote on a regular ballot, you should insist on doing so, since a provisional ballot may be disqualified later on a technicality.

6. Know where to turn for help. If you experience problems voting, or if you see anything improper at the polls, you may want to get help. There will be nonpartisan poll monitors at many polling places. (There may also be partisan poll watchers, and it's possible one of them may be the person objecting to your voting.) It is a good idea to bring a cellphone, and phone numbers of nonpartisan hotlines like the Election Protection program's 1-866-OURVOTE and Common Cause's 1-866-MYVOTE1.

7. Be prepared for long lines. In some precincts, the wait may stretch into hours. Try to get to your polling place very early in the morning, or between the before-work and after-work rushes. As long as you are in line before the polls close, you are legally entitled to vote. Do not let poll workers close the polls until you have voted.


Launchcast and I just had our first fight (I know, already) because it tried to play William Hung.

I don't know if I should be angry at Launchcast for playing it, or at myself for picking some artist that made Launchcast think I'd want to hear it.


Today is the start of National Novel Writing Month. I started my novel exactly at midnight because, as I think we've all fully established, I am a huge dork.

I wrote a little over 1,000 words in a little over an hour. I'm not saying any of these words combine to make anything good, but still, it's a start. So far, I haven't let myself go back and reread or revise anything I've written. Which, let me tell you, is a BIG step for me because I like to obsessively edit everything I write.

My goal is to write at least 1,667 words a day, because then I'll have 50,000 words by the end of the month, even if they're all really crappy words.

I could probably sit here all night, armed with my caffeine and my Launchcast radio station. How awesome is Launchcast? Why didn't anyone tell me about this before? It's like Tivo (as I understand it) for radio junkies. I love how I can rate what I like, and then Launchcast will play songs it thinks I'll like. Thank you, Launchcast! You are my new best friend.

Ok, I think I'm going to go read for a while and hope the caffeine burns off soon so I can get some sleep.