Wednesday, April 13, 2011

People had come to see Wilbur when he was "Some Pig" and came back again now that he was "Terrific."

The other day, I was walking Max and he tried to eat an earthworm that was crawling across the sidewalk. It had rained recently, so they were everywhere and they were active. You know, active for earthworms. Which means they were kind of moving instead of just lying there, waiting to be stepped on.

Did you guys ever have to dissect earthworms in science class? I seem to remember doing this several times, and each time I spent the entire class completely befuddled because I had no idea what I was looking at. We were supposed to diagram all the little wormy inside parts but they all looked the same to me. This is around the time I realized I'd never be a doctor. Aside from not being able to identify even an earthworm's vital organs, I was not-so-handy with a scalpel. Instead of gently cutting one side of the worm open, I usually ended up slicing the worm in half lengthwise, which is not what we were supposed to do. I mean, MAYBE that'd be OK for Hogwarts Potions class, but it was not OK at Kettering Middle School.

Plus, we'd always have to draw pictures of the worm-insides and, while I was above average in art classes, my science diagrams usually ended up looking like I'd just drawn a bunch of blobby things that were supposed to be earthworm organs and labeled each blob with things like, "heart, maybe?" and "front...end?" because I couldn't even tell the front end of the worm from the back end. I mean, WHO CAN? Other than worm scientists or whatever.

We moved past earthworms and onto starfish. Sure. I mean, what? This is a thing kids dissect? I don't know. We had to use little scissors to cut them open instead of a scalpel and I thought that would be easier, but no, I completely mutilated my starfish. Sorry, Patrick. We also dissected a sheep's eyeball at some point and I do not gross out easily, but eyeballs give me the heebie-jeebies, especially when I'm stabbing at one sitting in front of me with sharp objects.

We didn't dissect frogs until my Bio II class in high school, and even then, only a few of us did the dissection and the rest had to just watch. Did the price on frogs go up around that time or something? I'm not sure what I was even doing in a Bio II class, other than it was an advanced class and I used to be smart, but I loved the teacher, Mr. Williams, who made the subject matter exciting no matter what it was. He also had what he called "half-times" in the middle of class, right around the time everyone's eyes would start to glaze over, where he would tell us stories like how he once painted his little brother green or he would bet someone that they couldn't eat a package of crackers in a certain amount of time.

Unfortunately, the most memorable part of his class was the quarter (yes, an entire quarter) that we dissected fetal pigs. You guys, it was so disgusting. Not so much the actual dissection itself, because for some reason that I don't want to think too much about, I have no problem slicing dead animals open (in a classroom environment...not, like, out in the wild), but the smell. Oh, the smell. Think of how disgusting a fetal pig might smell. Now think about how it might smell at the end of nine weeks. In the springtime. YEAH. Once it started to get really warm, toward the end of the quarter, it got pretty bad. Like, so bad that people would avoid that end of the building. And you know how sometimes when you go to Subway, you can still smell Subway on your clothes for the rest of the day? Well, it was the same with this classroom, except worse because, to my knowledge, Subway doesn't serve fetal pigs.

We dissected our fetal pigs a few times a week, working our way through each system, diagramming the organs and coloring them in with pretty colors. When class was over, we'd put our pigs back in their Ziploc bags (which had some sort of juice in it to keep the pigs...juicy) and keep them in the fetal pig fridge that Mr. Williams kept in his office.

Now, you might be wondering how we could tell our pigs apart from all the other pigs. Especially once they were all thrown into a fridge. It's not like fetal pigs have distinguishing marks, although some were bigger than others. But no, we could easily tell them apart and that's because, when Mr. Williams passed out our pigs on the first day, each nestled into its own comfy Ziploc home, he told us to name them. We wrote our pig's name on the bag and that's how we knew which pig to work on all quarter. And that's the story of how I dissected a pig named Wilbur for nine weeks straight.

P90X: Days 3 and 4 and my abs, oh my god

So. I've completed P90X, days 3 and 4, and so far, so good. The weight-lifting stuff wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, mainly because you get to rest a lot, which is nice, but the Ab Ripper HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD. What in the what? That's, like, impossible, right? There were a few times I had to stop and just stare at the TV in disbelief because HOW WERE THEY DOING THAT?

Anyway. I did the yoga workout yesterday and it was definitely tough. I haven't done much yoga, other than a class or two in college and a half-assed attempt to do a yoga DVD a handful of times, and that's mostly because I am not coordinated or flexible AT ALL. That said, I did enjoy the yoga workout. I have a lot of respect for people who are good at yoga (AHEM mysterygirl!, hee) because they make it look so effortless. And it is the opposite of effortless. My only complaint about the yoga workout is that it's an hour and a half long. I'm sure that, as I continue on through this program, I'm going to want to either skip it entirely or do something else in its place, but I'm going to try and stick with it. It can only help my (lack of) balance issues, so maybe I'll trip and fall down less often.

In other news, I have to do the Ab Ripper workout again tonight. DO NOT WANT.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dear Brain, Ryan Baby Goose should not be used for evil, only for good. Love, Jennie

Last night, I had a dream that someone was trying to kill me. I don't know why he was trying to kill me, he just was. I actually wasn't that concerned about it. Maybe I was immortal in my dream WHO KNOWS but I DID know that the killer could shapeshift (thanks, Fringe). At some point I was standing in front of Ryan Gosling and I was like, "Awwwww yeah, Ryan Gosling, LET'S DO THIS," but then he said something weird and I realized he was the killer. You have never known such disappointment. Anyway, then I threw Ryan FakeFace off of a balcony or something but the killer still didn't die! And he was killing people left and right! Like, straight up slitting throats and shooting people and it was GRAPHIC. My point is, I need to stop watching Dexter before bed.

Monday, April 11, 2011

fitness-y (read: boring) talk ahead

I completed the first two days of P90X over the weekend (only 88 to go...whoohoo?) and so far, I'm a fan. I'm doing the Lean Program, which, as I understand it, is less weight-lifty stuff and more jump-around-until-you-feel-like-you're-going-to-pass-out stuff.

The first day was called Core Synergistics and, if you're smarter than I am which I assume you are, you will have already guessed that this involved a lot of exercises that work your core. Duh. I didn't think too much about it at the time, though, and was surprised to find that the next day my abs felt like they were going to fall off. I even modified some of the moves because, well, they were hard and I am whiny. There was this one thing where you were supposed to (from a standing position), sit down really fast, roll backwards, push your feet up to the ceiling, and then roll back up, and I was like, "um, no," and so I did my own version. There are also these things called Superman Bananas which are just torture. Look them up on YouTube or something and then try it and you will know true evil, I swear. Here, I found a video for you and the guy even has an accent YOU'RE WELCOME.

Day 2 was a cardio workout called, wait for it...CARDIO. Right. It actually wasn't too bad. I mean, it was still challenging and I was definitely working hard, but I didn't feel like I was going to die until it was time to do the damn Superman Bananas again WTF NO. Anyway. I actually really liked this workout, specifically the exercise called Wacky Jacks. I'm not really sure how to explain them. But, like, if Phoebe Buffay did jumping jacks before she went running, I think they'd look like Wacky Jacks.

Today I was supposed to get up before work and do Day 3 but if you know me at all, you know that didn't happen, so now I have to do it after work. It's the first weight-trainy day so expect a lot of whining tomorrow about how sore I am. Although, yesterday when I woke up, my first thought was, "oh, my, I am just sore all over," and I'm still sore today, but slightly less so, so maybe it will get better? Yes? People who've done this before? Lie to me.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix.

So yesterday I exercised for the first time in, oh, let's say FOREVER. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've said something like that. I have started and then quit exercising SO MANY TIMES. My point is, get ready to read a post that is just like a bunch of other posts you've already read! Whoo!

Anyway, so I did this workout DVD even though it was really nice outside, because it was really windy, too, like so windy that when I was walking Max, he would stop every time there was a huge gust of wind, I mean just PLANT HIS FEET like he was afraid he was going to be carried away. And I only like to run outside when it's not too hot, not to cold, not too sunny, and not too windy, and since there are like three of those days a year in Ohio, I hardly ever run outside.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, I was about to tell you that Jillian Michaels is evil, but you already know that because I've already told you that five billion times AT LEAST but oh well, I'm going to tell you again. I thought about doing the 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday, because even though it's pretty much HELL, it's only like 25 minutes worth of HELL, but I was feeling extra motivated so I did one of her longer DVDs. This one is about an hour long, with warm up and cool down and everything, and is all cardio, no weights, so I thought it would be fine. I'd just jump around for an hour, no big deal, right?

No. This DVD is TERRIBLE. So terrible that my brain must block out how terrible it is after I finish it, otherwise I'd never do the DVD again. And when I say terrible, I don't mean that it's not effective. Judging by how sore I am today, it MUST be effective but I never, ever want to do it again. And I even half-assed a lot of it because I was pretty sure I was going to pass out and the last thing I wanted was for Joe to come home and find me lying in the middle of the floor in too tight workout gear while Phoebe crawled all over me, probably puking on my back just for good measure BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON CAT SHE IS.

I guess I'm not all THAT sore today, though, if I'm being completely honest. I can still walk up the stairs, but my abs hurt when I, you know, laugh or cough or move. Here's how I know I'm crazy...I have another Jillian DVD, similar to the one I did yesterday, that is also about an hour long and the last time I did it, I thought I might really die, but I'm thinking of doing it after work today. Also, I ordered P90X and it's supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I'm sort of scared to try it, judging by what my friends who have tried it have said, but I'll probably do the first workout tomorrow. I think I'm going to teach Max how to dial 911 first, though.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism.

Netflix recently announced that it was releasing several new (well, old) TV shows on Netflix Instant, which is awesome because every season of Bones, Ugly Betty, Doctor Who, The X-Files, Lois & Clark, Grey's Anatomy, Futurama, and Better Off Ted were getting really lonely in our queue.

The two shows I was most excited about were Ally McBeal and The Wonder Years. I mean, I've been wishing for them to put The Wonder Years back on TV for years, possibly since they took it off of the air, oh, whenever that was. I used to come home from school and watch The Wonder Years reruns alongside The Fresh Prince of Bel-air and Saved by the Bell. Unfortunately, the last time I looked, it still hadn't been released on Netflix Instant. I'M WAITING, NETFLIX. And I'm hoping that The Wonder Years won't send me spiraling into an existential crisis and if you're wondering what I'm talking about then PLEASE READ AHEAD.

Ally McBeal was available on Netflix Instant last week, so I added every season to our queue, much to Joe's chagrin. But whatever, I've only been watching it when he's not home. I watched this show back when it was first on and LOVED it, so I was interested to see if and how my opinion had changed. The first season aired when I was but a wee high school sophomore (yikes) and, at the time, I loved the whimsy and the singing and the, I don't know, the BALLS OUT CRAZY.

But, if I'm being completely honest, I find it a bit cringe-worthy to watch now. Almost like I feel when I read my journal from high school. That dancing baby thing totally creeps me out. I find Ally to be extremely annoying and I spend most of the time hoping a strong gust of wind blows her into oncoming traffic. But, I mean, Robert Downey Jr. shows up in a later season and, if I remember correctly, he sings at least once, so that's something to look forward to.

The thing that freaks me out the most, though, is that Ally is supposed to be 27 in the first season. WHICH IS WEIRD. I thought she was so old when I watched this show in high school and I thought that, surely, by the time I was her age, I would have all my shit figured out.

Well, I'm two years past the age she is on the show and I most definitely do not have my shit figured out. In fact, I often wonder at which point I will have my all of my ducks in a row, at least career-wise. I don't even have any ducks! WHERE ARE MY DUCKS?  

This troubles me. I need to take a moment.