Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I will tryyyyyyy to fix you

You know how sometimes you wake up and you're just in a shitty mood for no reason? I mean, sure you do. Everyone experiences this every now and then. Or maybe you don't, weirdo, I don't know your life. But for those of us non-robots who do, occasionally, wake up on the wrong side of the bed (that's the left side, right?), how do you combat that? Do you try at all?

I do so love getting a good wallow on. I like to make an occasion of it. (See: WORST. DAY. EVER. Week.) But there are days that I don't WANT to wallow. I want to be happy because who wants to walk around in a constant state of bitchface? (OK, in all honestly, that is sort of fun sometimes BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.) Anyway. On the days I don't want to devote an entire week to having WORST. DAYS. EVER., I just choose to be happy.

Yeah. That's right. I tell my brain to stop fucking around and start releasing some goddamn endorphins or whatever it is brains spew all over your body so you don't feel like cold-cocking a baby. I don't know, I'm not a brain scientist.

Whatever. Guess how often this works? NOT OFTEN is the answer. You can't just boss your brain, you guys! Your brain is smarter than you! It will not bow down to your iron will, especially if your iron will is like mine, all, "aww, gee, brain, please be happy?" and less like, "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD, FILTHY BRAIN."

So what do you do if your brain won't listen to you? Do you give in, shut your office door, lie on the floor, and listen to Coldplay all day? NO. NEVER EVER DO THAT, YOU GUYS, THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Here's what I'd recommend instead of listening to sad bastard FM:

1. Don't go to work. 

(DISCLAIMER: don't play hooky, because you might get fired.)

Take a personal day? If you can? Or you could try to time your shitty days so they only show up on the weekend, but how often does THAT happen? Anyway, my reasoning here is that if you're already in a shitty mood, going to work isn't going to help anything.

2. Put on pajamas. 

Shower first, though! The last thing you want when you're having a shitty day is to wander past a mirror and catch a glimpse of your greasy-haired, pasty-faced self. Another option, I guess, is to cover all of your mirrors with sheets or towels or something but that seems like a lot of tedious work for someone who is already irritated.

3. Make some peanut butter toast. 

Let that shit melt before you eat it, OK? Are you some kind of animal?

4. Open the windows for some fresh air. 

But not if it's 104 (or -4) degrees outside ARE YOU CRAZY?  

5. Pick a favorite TV show to watch. All day. 

Not, like, Buffy or Friday Night Lights. You're trying to make your brain happy, not make it cry forever. Might I suggest comedy? Community, Parks and Rec, The Office (seasons 1-5, anyway), Arrested Development, etc. 

6. Have a pet. 

I mean, don't go out and just buy one (THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE) but if you have a dog or a cat who will curl up on your lap as you watch your favorite TV shows, that'll go a long way in the happy department. If you don't have a pet, maybe go outside and see if you can coax a squirrel into your house.

7. Take a walk. 

Yeah, I know you have your pajamas on. Who cares?

8. Eat some vegetables, maybe? 

I know, I know! You don't like vegetables! But they'll make you feel awesome and, I mean, stop being such a baby, YOU ARE AN ADULT EAT SOME DAMN BROCCOLI. Or asparagus. It makes your pee smell funny, which is hilarious.

9. Watch the following video DUH WHY DO I KEEP HAVING TO TELL YOU THIS:

There. I fixed your shitty mood. GIVE ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.

As I suspected, and as Ashley pointed out, I’m finding it much harder to narrow down Must Watch episodes of Buffy Season 2 because honestly? They’re all kind of Must Watch. Even the bad ones are supremely entertaining. But I’ll try. For you guys.

This season is weird for me because it’s when I officially started watching, like, as a fan, so I've seen a lot of these, just, A BUNCH of times. My mom bought me those Buffy VHS two-packs that each had two “important” episodes per tape. The X-Files did this, too, because I remember watching the Conduit/Ice and Squeeze/Tooms ones pretty much constantly. Anyway, according to the Buffy VHS doubles, you should only be watching, like, What’s My Line(s), Surprise/Innocence, and Becoming(s) from season two, and that is unacceptable. This just goes to show you that those tapes know NOTHING, which is probably why we don’t watch them anymore. Also -- Netflix.

Must Watch:

When She Was Bad: Buffy has angst and not just her normal Slayer-angst, but some I-almost-died-angst.
School Hard: SPIKE!
Halloween: I LOVE THIS EPISODE SO MUCH. It was actually one of the first ones I ever saw and it’s one I’ll just watch randomly when the mood strikes me. ANYWAY. It’s about Halloween, duh.
The Dark Age: If you were hoping for some Giles History (and why wouldn’t you?), this one’s for you.
What’s My Line, part one: I don’t want to spoil anything. So just watch this one.
What’s My Line, part two: This one, too.
Surprise: It’s Drusilla’s birthday and she has a surprise for Buffy (hence the name of the episode).
Innocence: I can’t talk about it.
Phases: More Oz!
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered: Xander makes a huge mistake. And it’s just THE BEST.
I Only Have Eyes For You: Remember that show Jake 2.0 that was like Chuck before Chuck was Chuck? Anyway, Christopher Gorham, who played Jake (and Ugly Betty’s boyfriend), is in this one.
Becoming, part one: DUH, yes, watch this one.
Becoming, part two: DUH, yes, watch this one (part two).

You Should Really Watch (as in, I keep almost adding them to the list above):

Some Assembly Required: Cordelia gets better and better, you guys, I can’t even.
Inca Mummy Girl: I was going to put this on Do Not Watch List but OZ, YOU GUYS. Just fast-forward to the parts with Seth Green in them.
Lie to Me: I went back and forth on this one. It’s really, really good but I’m not sure you’d be missing anything by skipping it.

OK FINE, skip these:

Reptile Boy: Yeah, this one is the Britta of season two.
Ted: This one is actually sort of good (John Ritter!) but I find it extremely EXTREMELY uncomfortable to watch. Your mileage may vary.
Killed by Death: The monster in this one is terrifying but I found the episode itself to be kind of boring? Sorry.
Go Fish: This one is disturbing and not just because Xander wears a Speedo. He’s no Mulder, you guys.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Slayer hunts vampires, Buffy is a Slayer, don't tell anyone. Well, I think that's all the vampire information you need.

I recently started rewatching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, from the beginning, which I haven’t done in...years? A friend (Kathleen!) mentioned that she wants her BF (Jason!) to watch the show and asked for my help narrowing down which episodes from seasons 1 - 5 he should definitely, definitely watch. My first thought was that he should watch all of them, but I understand some people don’t like to make that kind of commitment, so I figured I’d TRY to narrow it down, at least. I plan on addressing each season as soon as I finish it. We’ll see if that holds up.

Out of all of the seasons of Buffy, I’d be most likely to skip episodes from the first. There’s a certain charm to the first season, all low production values and awkward acting, but if you’re short on time, you’d be OK skipping most of it, especially since so much Buffy-lore has seeped into pop culture consciousness by now.

Here are the episodes that are simply must watch in order to understand the show:

Welcome to the Hellmouth: Buffy moves to Sunnydale, meets her Watcher (Giles!), and those who will become her friends (Xander! WILLOW!) and frenemy (Cordelia). Also, Darla. Also, The Master. I think Angel shows up in this one? Probably?
The Harvest: Darla, The Master, and the Alien Bounty Hunter from The X-Files are up to shenanigans. Buffy tries to stop them.
Never Kill a Boy On the First Date: Buffy tries to date and be the Slayer at the same time. It goes about as well as you’d expect.
Angel: There’s more to Angel than would first appear but you probably already know about it by now.
Prophecy Girl: Buffy vs. The Master (FINALLY).

Here are the ones I’d watch, just because they’re fun:

Witch: Cheerleading and witchery! Also introduces Amy who will be (spoiler alert) somewhat important later.
Nightmares: This one is creepy but not the greatest. It actually reminds me more of an episode of The X-Files than Buffy.
Out of Mind, Out of Sight: Actually, same for this one. Maybe that’s why I like them. Huh. Anyway, this one is worth it because of the awesome Clea DuVall.

And finally, the ones I’d skip altogether, because YIKES:

Teacher’s Pet: Xander and a bug lady. No, thank you.
The Pack: Xander becomes a hyena and is mean to Willow. NO THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 
I, Robot...you, Jane: Willow falls in love with a demon she met online, on second thought WHAT AM I SAYING WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY. (Bonus! The introduction of Jenny Calendar).
The Puppet Show: Ventriloquism. Enough said.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Shakespeare was an anti-semite, I guess?

YOU GUYS. Did you know that The Merchant of Venice is super racist? Because it is. I mean, I'm sure you already knew that. You're all much smarter than I am. But either I've never read The Merchant of Venice or I did and drank away forgot all knowledge of it because it took me a bit by surprise.

Friday night, Joe and I went to Free Shakespeare! with some friends (I mean, duh, I'm not talking about The Merchant of Venice for no reason). Free Shakespeare! is exactly what it sounds like (but not, like, "let Shakespeare out of his cage," more like Shakespeare that costs zero dollars), only I'm not sure if they're an Ohio group or a traveling group or what. I'm sure I could look into it a bit more and easily find the answer but YOU GUYS, I have other things to do. I told you I'm rewatching Buffy, right? That's taking up a lot of my free time, OK?

OK! Anyway. So we saw The Merchant of Venice on Friday and, as it turns out, that one is about all these terrible people who completely ruin a Jewish guy's life but don't worry, you guys, because all of those terrible people end up happy. THANK GOODNESS. I think it was supposed to be a comedy? But mostly I just felt uncomfortable.

It was fun, though, sitting outside and soaking up some culture. And I didn't even have to use my brain that much, because all of the actors wore t-shirts with their character names on them. I think this should be standard for all plays, but this is probably why they don't put me in charge of things.

I know this will surprise you, but I went out and was social on Friday AND Saturday this weekend. I KNOW. It took a lot out of me but I muddled through. My friend's birthday was on Saturday, so I went ALL THE WAY TO COLUMBUS to meet her for dinner. After dinner, we sat in a bar in the Short North, right by the window, and watched people walk by. I confessed to my friend that, anymore, going out to bars on a Saturday night mostly makes me feel old, especially when I see gaggles of mini-skirted-early-twentysomethings teeter by on giant heels at 11pm, just starting the night as I sit yawning into my beer. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.

I haven't actually matured in my old age, though. Yesterday, Joe and I were supposed to go see E.T. AT AN ACTUAL THEATER, something I'd been talking about bragging about all week, but when I called the theater that morning to see if it was still happening, they told me the studio cancelled it! WHAT THE FUCK, SPIELBERG?! So Joe and I did the next best thing, which consisted of going to two Targets until we found a copy of E.T. and then to a bunch of other stores FOR NO RAISIN and by the time we got home, we didn't have time to watch it. Standard.

In other news, last night I had a dream that I was initiated into a secret society of famous people. Part of my initiation process was working on a creative project with one of the famous people and I really wanted to work with Simon Pegg but the leader of the secret society was all, "no, Eric is going to work with Simon Pegg," and I was convinced that it was all because I'm a woman and the leader of the secret society was sexist because Eric and I RAISED OUR DAMN HANDS AT THE SAME TIME when Simon Pegg asked who wanted to work with him and so I started a protest group within the secret society. I have no idea what Simon Pegg's creative project even was or who this Eric person was but it's nice to know that my brain thinks I'm Hermione Granger.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

this sort of turned out to be about something but only accidentally

Remember when people used to blog just to blog? Like, it didn't really have to be ABOUT anything, you were just typing into the interspace and hoping someone was reading? Was that ever a thing, or am I making that up? And should I stop trying to blog about nothing? Am I trying to make "fetch" happen? 

That was a lot of questions. I don't expect answers. Moving on.

So yesterday I was home from work on account of BARFING and when I let Max outside, I noticed something weird all over the fence. There were these little brownish specks all over and I was like, "wtf, did our neighbors poke holes in our fence?" Not that I think our neighbors would do that, not intentionally anyway, but their stupid dog jumps on our fence all the time and I'm paranoid about something happening to it because I'm just always worried that the fence is going to get knocked over but I won't notice right away and then I'll let Max outside and he'll be all, "FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!" and run away forever and then I get sad and have to think of something happy like MULDER AND SCULLY DAVID DUCHOVNY AND GILLIAN ANDERSON BEING IN LOVE and then I get lost in my brain for far longer than is healthy and you'd be surprised how many of my thought spirals end in sadness over Max hypothetically running away or two of my favorite fictional characters getting it on IRL.

Anyway, what was I saying? Right, brownish spots (gross). I walked outside to investigate, even though I wasn't wearing shoes or a bra (but I was wearing pajamas and vomit-hair!) because such is the beauty of having a privacy fence. As I got closer, I realized what the spots were: cicada shells! I love cicada shells! When I was a wee child, if I found one, I'd find an unsuspecting victim (usually my mom) and stick the shell on their shoulder so they'd freak out when they saw a crazy ass bug looking at them. CHILDHOOD. I'm fairly certain that all kids did that, though, so whatever.

I left these shells alone, though, because they looked kind of cool, like I'd decorated our fence with exoskeletons on purpose. Also! Cicadas make me think of Kat and who wouldn't want a daily reminder of Kat WHENEVER POSSIBLE?

So I left them alone and went inside to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the rest of the day, by which I mean I slept through most of season one in an attempt to get to the really good episodes. Then last night (this morning?), it started thunderstorming like crazy and I woke up because Max was trying to burrow under my pillow. At first I was all, "wtf is this nonsense?" and then heard the thunder and remembered that our dog is a total pussy. I listened to the storm for a while and realized that it actually sounded kind of bad because of all the windy wind and picnic lightning, but I wasn't really worried about tornadoes or a tree branch flying through a window or anything like that, no, I was worried that the wind would blow all of the cicada shells off of our fence AND THEN WHAT WOULD I DO.

Unfortunately, I was right and most of the shells are gone today. But there are still a few hanging around (hahaha) and they look like tiny aliens molted all over the place so I took a picture DON'T WORRY ABOUT THANKING ME:

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE (on my fence).

Sunday, August 05, 2012

I watched The Decoy Bride so you don't have to.

A few weeks ago, I had a random afternoon off of work and so I decided to spend my free time doing the obvious thing: watching The Decoy Bride on Netflix Instant.

The Decoy Bride, for those of you who may not know (um, most of you?), is a terribly terrible movie starring one David Tennant, also known as the 10th Doctor on Doctor Who, also known as PLEASE HAVE MY BABIES DAVID TENNANT.

But that's not all! Kelly Macdonald is also in it, of Trainspotting and Gosford Park and Harry Potter and Brave fame, which gave me plenty of opportunities to shout, "Uuuugh, MUM," and later that evening, ask Joe, "if you had the chance to change your fate...wouldja?" He loves that.

But AGAIN I say that's not all! No! Mark from Ugly Betty is in it! And Shazzer from Bridget Jones's Diary! And the annoying guy from Shaun of the Dead! And a blonde lady! And some other people! But mostly Mark St. James!


Don't get me wrong, though. This is not a great movie. No way. And yet, I'd sit through it again for the same reason I've seen Never Been Kissed and Only You multiple times: BEAUTIFUL CHARMING MENS. But you might not have that same weakness and so I'm here to tell you what The Decoy Bride is all about, in great detail, probably definitely greater detail than is warranted, so if you decide that you WANT to watch it, maybe you can just fast-forward to the David Tennant parts. Like this one:

You guys, it took me like 40 minutes to make this and you know what? TOTALLY WORTH IT.

The premise of this movie is ridiculous, even by romantic comedy standards. David Tennant plays a man named James Arber, according to imdb, only it's more fun if we call him The Doctor, so let's do that. The Doctor is getting ready to marry an actress named Lara Tyler (OMG YOU GUYS AND SHE'S TOTALLY BLONDE, TOO, THE DOCTOR IS MARRYING ROSE TYLER FINALLY WHOOO) but this annoying paparazzi guy keeps finding out about the secret wedding locations and RUINING EVERYTHING. This will be important later. Well. "Important." 

MEANWHILE, our heroine Kelly Macdonald Katie, unhappy and unlucky in love, is headed back to the small Scottish town of Hegg to take care of her mother. Her mother owns the local B&B and is dying. DOWNER. Anyway. Someone gives Katie the idea to write a travel book about Hegg and so she does so, because writing a book (and getting it published) is totally easy, you guys. I mean, The Doctor did it, too, and that's two people in the same movie, so what are you complaining about, writers? Huh? The Doctor ALSO wrote a book about Hegg, despite never having been there, but the people in Hegg hate it so much they use it as toilet paper. Naturally.

Lara Tyler gets the idea that they should get married in Hegg, since no one will EVER EVER find them there, and also have a themed wedding based off of The Doctor's terrible book because that's not the worst idea ever in the history of the world and all other worlds and also parallel worlds to which you might send your clingy companion and murdery doppelganger. So anyway, they go about doing just that (the wedding thing, not the parallel world thing), but the paparazzi guy shows up! Dressed as a monk!
Not this Monk.

Naturally, at this point, Lara's handlers (Mark and Shazzer: see way, way above) decide they need someone to pretend to be the bride to throw the paparazzi off of Lara's trail. You might call this person a...camouflage bride. Or an imitation bride. Or something else, I don't know. Mark and Shazzer decide that Katie can totally be the fake bride, despite the fact that she looks absolutely nothing like Lara Tyler. Whatever, it's not like The Doctor will notice. Oh, because did I mention? They're not going to tell The Doctor that he's marrying the wrong woman. This is all just to fool the media.

At this point, The Doctor and Katie have already had the most ridiculous meet-cute in the history of meet-cutes, in a bathroom (outhouse?) THAT IS HAUNTED BY A COW. You'll be surprised to know that, though WE know they are perfect for each other, they don't really hit it off at first. Later, they'll discover that they pretty much hate each other. So don't get your hopes up about them getting together or anything.

Yeah, so then The Doctor and Katie-fake-Lara get FOR REAL married (I don't remember how this happened, exactly) and real-Lara is missing and I think falling in love with the paparazzi guy? This is the part of the movie where I stopped paying that much attention. The Doctor and Katie fight for a while, then come to a mutual understanding and respect for one another, and then Katie decides they should get divorced and he should go marry Lara, even though you can tell neither of them wants that to happen. So that's what he does. OR DOES HE? (Nope.)

In the end, there's the completely tragic misunderstanding that is a rom-com requirement and you might worry that our two heroes are destined to spend their lives apart but SPOILER ALERT they don't. And it's actually kind of adorable but that might just be because the combined adorableness of Kelly Macdonald and David Tennant could power a town full of puppies.

Or kittens.

A million stars! says Roger Ebert no one ME.