Thursday, December 30, 2004


I'm leaving for Chicago in a couple of hours. Whoohoo! I won't be back until sometime on Sunday, so if I don't post for a few days it's because I'm out of town NOT because something else collapsed and I'm trapped in rubble.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

it's still not as bad as poop in the basement

Ok. If I ever, I mean EVER, complain about not having anything to write about, please feel free to slap me in the face and tell me to shut the hell up. Those words came back to bite me in the ass, as usual. Last night (this morning?) I went to bed around 2, thinking I would sleep til around 10, get up, and do some job searching. Apparently, someone didn't like that plan. I woke up at exactly 7:08 AM when the sky started falling. I know it was exactly 7:08 because the first thing I do when the sky starts falling is look at my alarm clock.

After the huge crash, I closed my eyes again and thought, "hmm, maybe that was just snow shifting on the roof" because when I wake up apparently I am a total idiot. A few seconds later, I decided I should probably take a look out the window, just to make sure a bunch of snow and ice hadn't fallen on the dog or something.

When I peeked out the blinds, my first thought was, "the fence looks kind of crooked." My second thought was, "hmm, I don't remember the fence being crooked AND five inches away from my window." My third thought was, "maybe I should put my glasses on and flip on a light." I did both of those things and opened my blinds all the way. Stood there. Stared. Stared some more. Walked through the bathroom that connects my room to the step in front of the back door. Looked out the back door and lost all ability to comprehend what I was looking at.

My bedroom window NORMALLY looks out onto the back patio. The hot tub is directly under my window. I couldn't see the patio OR the hot tub, because the patio cover had folded in on itself and was now resting on the hot tub and the air conditioning unit.

When it got light out, my mom and I went to inspect the damage. I believe the only words spoken during this inspection were, "holy," "shit," and, "you've got to be kidding me." I had a sort of giddy, hysteria bubbling up from my stomach and escaping in short bursts of laughter. It reminded me of the day last year when I came home from class and my housemate told me that our basement had flooded with sewage. There are just some words in my vocabulary that, when put together in specific statements, make absolutely no sense to my brain. "The porch cover collapsed," "Bush was reelected," and "our basement has shit floating around in it" are some of those statements.

Luckily, I had gotten a digital camera (!!!) for Christmas and I now had an excellent excuse to take a whole crapload of pictures. My dad came home from work early and soon figured out that we would have to try and tear the cover down ourselves because we couldn't open the back door. Keep in mind, the patio cover was still attached to the house. My parents went to Lowe's to rent some magical saw that cuts through anything (!), even diamonds, steel, and LIQUID HOT MAGMA.

Before he could start cutting the shit out of some aluminum, we had to shovel all the snow out of the crevice formed by the folding patio cover. This was a complete pain in the ass, because each panel of the cover had a thick slab of ice inside. We had to take the shovel, pound the shit out of the ice until it broke, and then carry the ice shards off of the patio into the side yard. Once we had cleared off as much snow and ice as we could reach, my dad would cut into the metal with the Magical Saw of Power and Extreme Heaviness and we'd carry the pieces and throw them in a big pile.

This entire process took about four hours. Towards the end, some guys came to haul the pile of crap away and they helped my dad take down the last little bit of patio cover. By this time, all of us were walking around like zombies. Our feet hurt, our arms hurt, our hands were wet and cold, and let me tell you, we all looked so pretty. The funny thing is, we were all in pretty good spirits the whole time. Because what can you do besides laugh? No one got hurt, there was no serious damage to the house. My parents were thinking of losing the patio cover anyway, so really, this just saved them the trouble.

I'm moving to Hawaii

This is what our patio cover looked like this morning. Fucking snow. Posted by Hello

Just skip this. Seriously. I warned you.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have absolutely NOTHING to say. Nada. I think maybe I used up all my words for the year. I won't be able to write anything worthwhile until January 1st.

Seriously, usually I can scrounge up SOMETHING. Some stupid thing that happened to me, something funny someone said, but damn. I got nothing. NOTHING. I don't know why I'm still typing. Really. I shouldn't even publish this crap. But I probably will.

Here's something. Nothing big, so don't get excited. My fish, the one I bought back in June or July that I thought would die within the week, IS STILL ALIVE. Of course, now that I've said that, it will probably die.

The sad thing is, I still haven't really named it. I tried out a few different names. Red. Rooster. Assface. None have stuck. Poor Fish. My friend had a hamster named Hammy and a cat named Kitty, so maybe I should just call my fish Fishy.

Eh. I'm leaving for Chicago on Thursday, my parents and sister are leaving on Friday, and no one will be home until Sunday, so Fish might be belly up by the time we all get back. Although, I'm pretty sure he's gone days without food before, because I'm a bad fish parent.

Monday, December 27, 2004

blah, blah, blah

I hope everyone had a great holiday. Actually, it still kind of feels like the holiday season, what with the snow and the decorations still hanging and I just saw the Christmahanakwanzakaa commercial TWICE. Speaking of the snow, it's a pain in the ass. There's no place to put it and there are piles everywhere taller than I am. And granted, that's not very tall, but what if I fall into one? No one will find me until March.

ANYWAY. As you might have gathered from the picture below, I got a digital camera (!!!) for Christmas. The mooning-Santa belongs to my grandma, but not the grandma who bought a Happy Birthday Jesus cake last Christmas. I've been playing with the camera for the past few days and taking lots of pictures, mostly of the dog because she's always there and doesn't move or run away before I can snap the picture. I also got a new haircut today and I took a picture, because new things just go together, you know? I might post it later if I remember, although I kind of like that (as of right now) I'm faceless to those of you who don't know me in non-virtual life. Plus, if I do something illegal and I write about it on here, I probably shouldn't post any photographic evidence. Hmm.

I also got season 3 of Alias and so far I've watched about half of it. The paranoia should be setting in soon. Actually, after reading the last statement from the paragraph above, maybe it already has.

Friday, December 24, 2004

just wondering

So . . . like . . . was Mary in labor by now? Did it hurt or did God give her a spiritual epidural? Was Joseph pacing around outside the manger with a cigar in his pocket? Did they have cigars in the Bible?

Were the two wise men who DIDN'T bring the gold running around ancient-Target trying to find last minute gifts for the son of God? What the hell is frankincense?

Happy Christmas Eve!

Despite all the snow outside and the presents around the tree, I'm not feeling very Christmasy, especially after reading about sad puppies and kittens (thanks, Peter!) I'd go outside and build a snowman or something, but it's 8 degrees and I'd like to keep all my fingers, thank you. I'm listening to the All Christmas Carols All The Time radio station, but so far all the songs they've played have annoyed the hell out of me. I'm waiting for the Hippopotamus song. It's my only hope.

Maybe I should go watch Elf. Or Love Actually. I can't wait until A Christmas Story is on FOR 24 GLORIOUS HOURS later tonight. WHOOHOO! If that doesn't put me in the Christmas mood, nothing will. We're also supposed to go to church services later. We go to church twice a year. Easter and Christmas Eve. Sometimes we go on Palm Sunday. We're bad Lutherans. This sounds horrible, but the only reason I'm looking forward to going to church tonight is because we'll get to light candles and turn the lights off and sing Silent Night. I like the way the candles smell when we blow them out. Like a birthday, which I guess is fitting since it's like Jesus's birthday and everything.

So. Yeah. Happy Birthday, Jesus. I hope all the candles fit on your cake.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

weather update

There's still a shitload of snow outside. And it's really goddamn cold.


I'm so bored right now. We're snowed in. Ok, not really. We could go out if it was really necessary, like if we needed food or medicine or more wine, but I can't just up and drive to Starbucks because I'm bored. What's funny is that if there were no snow, and this was a normal Thursday night, I wouldn't want to go anywhere. And since there's nothing on TV I haven't seen five times and I've already watched Spiderman 2 (awesome!) and Van Helsing (the opposite of awesome!) I'm going to fill out these two quizzes and you're going to like it. I don't remember what website I got them from. Feel free to steal. In fact, please do, so I have something to read.

So. If you don't want to hear me talk about myself for the rest of this post, I'd suggest moving on. However, if you're here I don't really know what else you were expecting.

QUIZ 1: End of the Year Wrap-Up (it's close enough and DID I MENTION I'M BORED)

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
Drank Mexican tequila. In Mexico.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
If I remember correctly, I didn't make any REAL resolutions. I guess I'll make some for next year, but only because it's fun to think about stuff I won't do.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Besides me, you mean? Kidding. Um, not that I can think of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, unfortunately. My great uncle Al died last spring and grandpa died about a month ago.

5. What countries did you visit?
Mexico, Jamaica, Grand Cayman

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A job. An apartment. Sanity.

7. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 3rd. Obvious, sad reasons. November 9th, the day Grandpa died.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I didn't start a riot on November 3rd.

9. What was your biggest failure?
I didn't start a riot on November 3rd. Heh.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Besides minor scrapes and bruises from being a major klutz and falling down, no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A fish.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bush. People who voted for Bush. People who didn't vote period. Jessica Simpson.

14. Where did most of your money go?
I don't wanna say, because it'll make me sound like an alcoholic. Kidding again. Probably groceries or gas. So exciting.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My sophomore-year roomie's wedding.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Hey Ya

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier, I guess, but I'm usually happy
b) richer or poorer? hmm, same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Planning ahead.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home. My sister will wake up super early, but my parents will be up earlier. Someone will make me get out of bed at an ungodly hour (like 10 or EARLIER) . My sister and I will sit on the couch upstairs until my parents get the area around the tree "ready." They'll let us come down, we'll open presents, my dad will take pictures, the dog will try to eat wrapping paper. Later, we'll all go to my grandparent's house to see my mom's side of the family and open and give more presents. I hope to spend my Christmas taking DIGITAL pictures, wink wink.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004?
No, but I loved.

22. How many one-night stands?

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Friends, Scrubs, Sex and the City, LOST (!!!), Desperate Housewives

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I don't really hate anyone.

25. What was the best book you read?
Lucky, by Alice Sebold

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Does this mean who? I guess Jamie Cullum.

27. What did you want and get?
Lost of fun times with my friends.

28. What did you want and not get?
More fun times with my friends.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 22 and, just like the year before, I spent my birthday at McMurray's with friends.

31.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If Bush hadn't won. Sigh.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Flip-flops all year round.

33. What kept you sane?
Ripley (my dog)

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmm. I'm gonna go with Johnny Depp. Or John Edwards.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Heh. Does the election count? Because I'm gonna say the election as a whole stirred me up. But only a little, right?

36. Who did you miss?
The last few months, I've really missed not being able to see my friends every day. But it's getting easier, and I don't know if that's good or bad.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
I didn't meet Heidi for the first time this year, but this was the year we started hanging out and I'm so glad we did.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004
Just because you're pretending something isn't there doesn't make it disappear.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
After years of expensive education/a car full of books and anticipation/I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot/but the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

QUIZ 2: Timeline

25 years ago: I wasn't born yet. So, I guess I was a tiny egg in my mother's ovary.

20 years ago: I was two years old. That's too young to ask for anything for Christmas, so I'm sure I didn't get anything I REALLY wanted.

15 Years ago: I was 7. We lived in our old house on the other side of Kettering, next door to my grandma. I have no idea what I would have asked for for Christmas. Probably some My Little Ponies. Maybe a Barbie. That might have been the year I got my Sesame Street Playhouse for the backyard, although, now that I think about it I might have gotten that for my birthday a few years before, because 7 seems kind of old for Sesame Street.

10 Years ago: I was 12 and in seventh grade and I absolutely hated junior high. I had just taken a Red Cross babysitting class because I had three new baby cousins to start babysitting for. I probably asked for books for Christmas because I am and have always been a huge nerd. We were living in our new house. I was best friends with Melissa and we were really mean and did I mention I hated junior high?

5 years ago: I was 17 and a senior in high school. I was on Christmas break and enjoying the new-to-me car that I'd gotten in October. I was working at the public library (did I mention nerd?) and managed to amuse myself there. I didn't know where I'd be going to college, but I had it narrowed down to Ohio Northern, Ohio State, and Wittenberg. Wittenberg won. Thank god.

3 years ago: I was 20. A junior in college. Home for break and happy to be done with finals. I was just figuring out that I should probably be thinking about what to do once I graduated. I had no idea that a few weeks later I'd be back on campus, at McMurray's, drinking with my pastor's son.

1 year ago: I was 21. Living with Stiffie and Nicole in an apartment on campus, next door to Mary, Erica, and Lampl. We had survived our first semester in our first apartment, including keeping up with the bills, getting free cable without having to do anything, and living through a nasty sewage flooding of our basement.

This year: I'm 22. Done with classes. Back home. Looking for a job so I can start saving money. Looking forward to spending New Years in Chicago.

Yesterday: I ran around the house staring out the windows and exclaiming, "Oh my god, it's STILL snowing!" and "Look how much snow!" and "My car looks like an igloo!"

Today: Got up at 6:30 and watched the weather with my parents. Drank some coffee. Talked to Beau and felt bad that he couldn't go home yet. Wondered if Stiffie made it home. Got ready to go babysit, but thankfully they didn't need me to, because I don't think my car would have made it. Spent the day working on Mary's going away present (shh, it's a seeeecret), reading, and watching movies. Good times.

Tomorrow: Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Meaning, my parents are home from work and we'll all probably spend the day drinking coffee and watching TV, until 7 when we'll make our yearly trip to church for Christmas Eve services. That is, if we don't get any more snow and if the snow we've already gotten doesn't do something crazy like freeze and there isn't a really good movie on TV. If that happens, we'll stay home in the dry and the warm.

finally, I know what to avoid

I just came across the best website, courtesy of this post. It's called Christian Spotlight and there are HOURS of entertainment here. Basically, users tell the public which movies and TV shows are OK and which to avoid in case Satan is using them to take control of your mind and body. Here are some samplings:


AVOID: Not only does this show contain sexual innuendo, blasphemy against our faith, and promotes the false belief in alien life forms, but it also takes place in the year 3000 (by which time the rapture will most likely have come)

South Park-

AVOID: I urge everyone to avoid this shameless piece of nonsense. The content was never less than utterly offensive. The disgusting tolerance of homosexuality and the constant violence and swearing made me feel sick.

Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place-

I enjoy this show, although the characters do have some immoral relationships. They don't usually discuss sexual topics and the fact that the character Johnny wants to marry Sharon and not just live with her is refreshing. I'm just glad they don't have a homosexual character (at least not yet)

Will and Grace-

AVOID: I watched this show the other night and I was appalled. The character Jack (played by an actor who went to my college) especially is bad because he is the "funniest" gay character and is therefore the most appealing to young children. Also, he is played by a handsome young man, ... (and I knew that God was watching me angrily as) I fought to suppress my attraction to him. I am a reformed homosexual who is now married to a wonderful woman, and people like me don't need such horrible filth on TV to tempt us back into sin.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer-

AVOID: Sorry to every pre-teen, teenager and even adult out there, this show is a major distraction to your relationship with Jesus.

The Real World-

AVOID: The steady show of homosexuality is pushing children to view it as normal behavior. I strongly disagree with this use and The Real World's way of subjecting our children to their way of life.


AVOID: This show is horrible. The whole theme is sex, sex, sex. Hollywood seems to be so preoccupied with it these days. This show is bad, and should be avoided.

The X-Files-

Although many of the opinions expressed about the X-Files refer to the quality of the writing and other production aspects of the show, one cannot overlook the blatant occult messages presented in this program. I have viewed only about three full episodes and found the shows content definitely not for Christian viewing. On one notable episode, the subject matter dealt with Voodoo and transmutation. In another episode (and apparently many of the other shows) deal with extraterrestrials. Christians need to be aware that these "extraterrestrials" are actually inter dimensional beings that the Bible has clearly identified as demons

This show is much less violent than Walker, Texas Ranger.

I haven't read many of the movie reviews yet, but those are equally amusing. I have to go now. Will and Grace is on and I like to watch homosexuality run rampant.

holy snow, batman

There is seriously a shitload of snow outside right now. As of 2 AM, we've gotten 14 inches, but there's definitely more because it's been snowing pretty heavily since then. We're also supposed to have record breaking cold temperatures over the next few days.

Personally, I think God is trying to turn this red state blue.

Go for it, God.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

kill me now

I just caught myself singing and dancing along to one of those freakishly annoying Old Navy Christmas commercials.

Dear god.

winter freaking wonderland

It's snowing like crazy outside. I don't know how I feel about that. I have a total love-hate relationship with snow. I love it because it's so pretty and fluffy and my dog looks really funny playing in it. It's nice if you want to go skiing or sledding. There is a prime sledding hill up the street or, if I'm on campus, there's the Hollow, which is always full of all sorts of makeshift sledding devices this time of year, because everyone knows college students are either too poor or too lazy to go buy their own sled. Pieces of cardboard, mattresses, blankets, bottoms off of chairs, and trays from the CDR all litter the ground, but the trays definitely work the best.

Junior year, a couple of us were at McMurray's on a Friday night (surprise, surprise), but it was super crowded so we all left and decided to go sledding. We actually had one sled that someone had loaned us, but there were like five of us, so we grabbed the tops off of some trashcans we found in the basement. Yeah, those didn't so much work but we all took turns with the sled, or we just slid down head first like we were on a Slip 'n Slide. See? Snow good.

On the other hand, snow is a pain in the ass. I'm not very good at planning ahead, so whenever I have to be somewhere I ALWAYS forget that it's snowed and that I'll need extra time to clean off my car. By the time I get out there, I have about five minutes to unearth the driver's door, find my snow brush, and clean the four feet of snow off of my car. And usually, I've forgotten gloves. So I can either take the keys out of the ignition, run back into the house, perform a fruitless search of my room, and lose ten minutes I don't have, or I can just risk frostbite.

My first car, good old Big Blue, was so easy to clean off. At some point, the thingie that controls the heat (I'm not a mechanic, get off my back) had been replaced with something more powerful, so the car would heat up in like thirty seconds. I would just sit in the car and watch the snow melt off of the windshield. Big Blue had other problems, many, many other problems, but he redeemed himself with just this one feature.

My car now, however, takes about an hour to get good and warmed up. Which means, by the time I've scraped only a fiftieth of the windshield off, I'm ready to bash the glass with the snow scraper until the ice flakes off.

Ok, so now that I read this over, it seems maybe I have more of a HATE-love relationship with snow, especially since I tend to get kind of abusive with it when cleaning off my car.

That's alright. All I have to do is hit someone with one snowball and I'll remember the love. So. Who wants to volunteer?

Monday, December 20, 2004

cheater cheater pumpkin eater

I got up at 8 today. IN THE MORNING. And I didn't fall asleep til at least 2:30 AM, so now we know that I'm at least CAPABLE of getting up early. That's good to know, in case I ever get a job.

The REASON I got up early, and let's face it, there HAD to be a reason because why else would I get up at that ungodly hour, was because I was babysitting two of my cousins today. Katie and Joey, aged 12 and 9, who I think are hilarious, probably because I have the maturity level of a 12-year-old (on a good day). And babysat I DID. We played several games of Cranium, War, Speed, Operation Shrek, and some Bionicle game that, as far as I could tell, involved smashing action figures into each other until one of the heads fell off.

All I have to say is, Katie is a big cheater. She cheated at almost every game we played. I don't think she cheated at Operation Shrek because, well, I'm not really sure how you'd cheat at that game and she didn't cheat in the Bionicle game because she didn't play, but even if she had it wouldn't have mattered because THERE WERE NO RULES. But she kept changing the rules for Cranium, which worked because Joey and I didn't know how to play and I didn't find the instruction sheet until the end of the last game. And she TOTALLY cheated at War. I mean, this was crazy, obvious cheating. I know it sucks to lose a battle, especially when an Ace was one of the hidden cards, but it happens to the best of us. It's no good to wait until I've turned over my fourth card and then OBVIOUSLY shuffle through your cards until you find one that's higher than mine. I mean, COME ON! At least TRY to make it look natural.

And I know I should be the adult (ha!) and laughingly scold her and brush it off, but part of me still wants to scream "THAT'S SO UNFAIR," throw my cards down on the table, and go pout on the sofa.

I just noticed that there's a lot of caps lock in this entry. AND THAT'S TOTALLY OK.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

regrets, I've had a few

I think I'm finished wrapping presents, unless I decide to get some smaller stuff for stockings. That's a quick wrap, anyway.

I'm just really disappointed that I just found the packing tape today. I feel bad that my mom will be the only one benefiting from the super-adhesivey goodness. Everyone should have the opportunity to spend twenty minutes opening a present.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

what flavor was it?

I just got back from A Very Special Family Christmas and yes IT IS almost midnight and yes I AM aware that it's not December 25th yet.

I won't list all the incriminating things that happened, because I told everyone I'd change the names to protect the innocent, but that seems like a lot of work right now. Let's just say a lot of wine/vodka was consumed with hilarious results.

I will say that one of my cousins seems to think that New England is "in a country in Europe." This is the same cousin who once drew a picture of a mummy and a hot dog and who asked for chocolate donuts from Santa one year.

Here's something I've been meaning to ask and if you all think I'm disgusting and never want to read this blog again I will completely understand, but I actually think I might have talked about this before and I'm just too lazy to peruse my archives. See, we have this thing in my family where if someone farts, you put your hand in a fist with the thumb pointing out and then you put your thumb on your forehead. Whoever is the last to do this "ate it." It being the fart. Then, whoever ate it has to say what flavor it was. Weird, yes. Gross, also yes. Hilarious? Totally.

I'm just wondering . . . does anyone else's family do the Eat the Fart game or even a variation of it? Please tell me someone's does.

Friday, December 17, 2004

proving once again that I'll do almost anything anyone asks

Three Names You Go By: Jennie, Bax, Lala
Three Screennames You Have: Baxlala, and that's it
Three Things You Like About Yourself: sense of humor, eyes, I'm weird, but at least that means I'm interesting, right?
Three Things You Dislike About Yourself: I'm stubborn, I procrastinate, and I'm too sarcastic
Three Parts of Your Heritage: German, Welsh, Native American
Three Things That Scare You: Republicans, things that sting, cooking
Three of Your Everyday Essentials: chapstick, water, a watch
Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now: contacts, snowflake socks, a Spongebob Squarepants watch (shut up)
Three of Your Favorite Bands/Artists (at the moment): Jamie Cullum, Keane, Jack Johnson
Three of Your Favorite Songs at Present: The Hippopotamus Christmas Song, that new Kelly Clarkson song (again, SHUT UP), and Pain by Jimmy Eat World
Three New Things You Want to Try in the Next 12 Months: a real job (ha), my own apartment, traveling somewhere even if it's only another state
Three Things You Want in a Relationship (love is a given): trust, respect, LAUGHTER
Two Truths and Lie: I'm an AWESOME whistler, when I was little I used to think I could fly if I just concentrated hard enough, and I have X-ray vision
Three Physical Things About the Opposite Sex (or same) That Appeal to You: dark hair, mussed up (but not straggly) hair, no facial hair (wow, that was all about the hair)
Three Things You Just Can’'t Do: cook, give directions, go to sleep before midnight
Three of Your Favorite Hobbies: reading, writing, road tripping
Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now: go pick up my new glasses (nerd alert), finish Christmas shopping, get to New Years already so I can go to Chicago
Three Careers You'’re Considering: rabbit breeder, book jacket writer, wine/beer/liquor tester
Three Places You Want to Go on Vacation: Thailand, Rome, New York City
Three Kids' Names: Girls - Emma, Lydia, Elena; Boys - James, Drew, Alexander
Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die: get married and have children (let's hope I don't die any time soon), sky dive, take a year off to travel (that is, once I have a job to take time off from)
Three People You Want to Take this Quiz: Amy, Erin, Trillian

UPDATE: edited because I forgot two of the questions somehow. I don't know.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

you're all fired

I'm watching the finale of The Apprentice right now, but it hasn't really been holding my interest. I think the problem is that neither of the candidates who are left are very likeable, so I don't really care who wins. Last season, when it was between Bill and Kwame, I didn't really care who won but it was because I genuinely liked both of them. And they seemed to actually like each other, unlike Jen and Kelly, who don't respect or like each other.

This whole season of The Apprentice hasn't been as good as it was last year. Last season, most of the candidates were somewhat likeable and, with the exception of Omarosa, got along fairly well. This season, however, I spent most of the time imagining myself kicking the candidates in the face. I can't think of one that I didn't want to stab in the eye at least once. In the cases of Maria, Ivana, and munchkin Stacy, I wanted to poke them with a sharp stick about every two minutes.

I think the biggest problem was that none of these people seemed to really like each other, whereas last year there were several endearing friendships, like Troy and Kwame. And even if they weren't BFF, they still were able to work well together (again, with the exception of Omarosa). This season, it seemed like the candidates were just waiting for the chance to stab each other in the back. And as fun as it is to watch people snipe at each other for a while, when it goes on CONSTANTLY it's just exhausting.

I would have fired them all.

mmm, tastes like rebellion

In case anyone cares, THIS is my new favorite website.

why are people such assholes?

Today my mom was at the grocery store, as she tends to do on days, well, ending in 'y'. When she went to get some milk, she noticed a Little Old Lady in a wheelchair trying to get a jug of milk from one of the taller shelves. Little Old Lady, probably someone's sweet grandma who was trying to buy milk so her adorable, moppet grandchildren would have something to drink with their homemade snickerdoodles on Christmas Eve, was having a bit of trouble reaching the milk she wanted. Other people kept coming up behind her, reaching over her to get their own milk, and then leaving, even though they HAD to have noticed her struggling. WTF? How hard would it be to get the old lady some milk? I guarantee it would take less time than standing there impatiently, huffing and rolling your eyes, and then getting all up in Grandma's shit and stealing her milk. C'mon, people.

And, in case you're wondering, my mom asked Little Old Lady if she needed help. She, obviously, said yes and my mom got her some goddamn milk.

My mom's no asshole.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

let me count the ways

Words cannot express how much I love Jon Stewart and Conan O'Brien. If they were on the same show my head would explode.

You know. In a good way.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

search results that have me puzzled

"beer pong tables" and "design of": Look, people. This isn't rocket science. You get a big table or, if that's too expensive, a piece of plywood to put ON a table, possibly paint it, and set ten cups up on each side like you would bowling pins. Just add ping pong balls.

meningitis beer pong: Ok. Beer pong is NOT the most sanitary game ever invented. Sometimes, like if you're playing it at a college bar where people have been known to puke on the floor, it can be downright disgusting. You're throwing ping pong balls at cups of beer, invariably the ping pong balls will land on the floor, and THERE IS NO WAY that rinsing them off in little cups of water between throws is going to sanitize them at all. That being said, I've never heard of anyone getting meningitis from playing beer pong. I've never heard of anyone getting ANYTHING from playing beer pong, other than, well, really drunk.

how to brown meat: You are obviously in the wrong place. Here's why.

what did they use before shampoo?: Um. I don't know. Rocks?

paul rudd anti bush: Dude, EVERYTHING here is anti-Bush, even Paul Rudd.

ho: Bite me, asshole.

if I die in a combat zone spark notes: Just READ it! You don't need to cheat! It's a good story, I swear. Tim O'Brien is awesome. Trust me! I've read most of what he's written. I wrote my thesis on him. I know things.

a sad story about jennie: Ok. Once upon a time, a girl named Jennie had nothing better to do than post an entry on her blog about people who had ended up there by searching for odd things. She was obviously creatively tapped. Then she found five dollars. Then she lost it. THE END.

marathon commando runner underwear: I'm gonna leave this one alone.

2004 christmas at val kilmers: Hey. Buddy. I'm sorry. You weren't invited. It wasn't my decision. Val is still mad at you. You know why. Don't try to explain. Maybe next year, OK?


Remember this moment. It's the first and only time this winter that I will say those words and sound EXCITED rather than annoyed or pissed off.

seriously, I think my head JUST exploded

Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me with this.

Monday, December 13, 2004

sisterly love

I just finished my greatest accomplishment to date and I am exhausted. My mom asked me to wrap my sister's Christmas presents, because I have no job and my sister is nosy. I, of course, obliged because I like wrapping presents but MOSTLY because I like tormenting my sister. Usually, I use as much tape as possible when wrapping her present and I make sure there is no fold uncovered. This year, though, this year would have to be different. Special. I have a lot of time on my hands, you know.

My mom, like me, would rather shop online than step foot in a mall (shudder) so all of my sister's presents came in nice, sturdy Amazon boxes. I wrapped the three books together and the two DVDs together, then put these bundles into another box and wrapped that. I wrapped three CDs and put those into another box and wrapped THAT. THEN, I wrapped two CDs individually, put them into another box and, you guessed it, wrapped that box. So, in the end, I had three boxes. Oh, but this wasn't the end.

Luckily, there was a ginormous box downstairs. I put the three boxes I'd wrapped into this huge box and spent about 25 minutes wrapping it. It's going to take my sister a looooooong time to unwrap everything, especially since I covered all of the things I wrapped in a LOT of tape. I just realized how wasteful this all is, but we recycle so I figure it will all equal out in the end.

Anyway, after I wrapped this big box, I tied ribbon around it going both directions. Then I made a bow out of ribbon and taped eight more already-made bows around the fancy bow. You can't see the nametag, so my sister will be tormented DAILY as she wonders who the present is for.

The best part is, I wrapped everything in Spongebob Squarepants wrapping paper. I know it was meant to be, because I had JUST ENOUGH paper to cover the edges of the big box.

And really, doesn't everyone like Spongebob wrapping paper? Yes. Except for, maybe, the friends of mine WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS that made fun of me just because I was wearing three Burger King Spongebob watches at the same time. Whatever. They're just jealous.

All in all, I spent about two hours wrapping her presents. All because, on Christmas morning, I want to see my sister's face light up. With rage.

peace on earth doesn't apply at the mall

I wish I could do all of my Christmas shopping online. I did order one thing, but it's getting to the point where it's almost too late to be ordering stuff if I want it here in time for Christmas. And I do. I don't think it'll be very fun for someone to open their present and find a piece of paper that says, "sorry I procrastinated; your present will be here in two weeks." That just sucks. Also, I don't really know what I'm getting for some people and it's hard to narrow down the Google search when you don't know what you're looking for. So, I have no choice but to go shopping. For real.

My sister and I went to the mall on Saturday. We were there long enough to go to the ____ store to get a ____ for my dad and a _____ for my mom. We ended up walking the length of the mall in one direction and were probably there for about thirty minutes. And even though we weren't there very long, I imagined the slow, horrible deaths of at least twenty people. At least. I'm not kidding you, we weren't thirty seconds into Sears before I was filled with a blinding, murderous rage. What is WRONG with people? If it's not the teenage girls milling about on their stupid cell phones with their glitter make-up and their look-at-me-look-at-me hair flipping it's the people who bring their stollers that seat sixteen children blocking the entrance to the ONE STORE I need to go to.

Then there are the people walking straight toward me who DON'T SEEM TO NOTICE that there's another person RIGHT in front of them. I'm sorry, let ME move out of YOUR way. Please! It'll be my pleasure! I am kind of short, maybe you just didn't see me and that's why you rammed into my side, causing me to spin in a circle and fall into the cell phone kiosk.

I think I just need to stay out of the mall altogether, but especially this time of year. I can do the rest of my shopping elsewhere. Some place where I don't have to park three miles away from the entrance and where no one tries to make me buy a piece of shit pair of sunglasses when I innocently walk by and where I don't end up imagining how to use my purse or my shoe as a murder weapon.

So. Amazon it is.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

my precious

There's been a new addition to our home. That's right. All these past months, I've been totally pregnant and yesterday I spewed forth a child from my loins. All those times you thought I was visiting friends or going out drinking I was really visiting my unborn child's father.

In prison. It really wasn't his fault, you know. Sometimes those guns just accidently go off during a robbery. It couldn't be helped, obviously.

Please tell me you know I'm kidding. Because I am. About the baby, anyway. Not about my boyfriend, Rodrigo, in prison. Ok, yes I am. I'm a huge liar. I can't help it. It's a problem.

Anyway, there really is a new addition, and it's called . . . DVR. It's like TiVo. I think. I'm a little fuzzy on what TiVo actually is, other than awesome. But basically, with DVR you can record a bunch of shit ALL THE TIME and pause and rewind live TV. I was hoping you could fast forward, so I could see into the future, but apparently cable boxes haven't evolved that far. Yet.

This means that tonight we can record The Simpsons, Arrested Development, and Desperate Housewives WHILE we watch the Survivor finale ALL WITHOUT the VCR.

We don't need you anymore, VCR. We're through. Game over, man. Take your clunky videotapes and your remote and all your stupid cords and GET THE HELL OUT.

Friday, December 10, 2004

dental hygiene is hard

I went to the dentist today. I hate going to the dentist. It's almost as invasive as going to the OB/GYN, except at the dentist office you at least get to keep your clothes on. I hope. If you're going to a dentist who makes you take off your clothes for an exam, I hate to tell you this, but that guy probably isn't a real dentist.

I've been going to the same dentist since I started growing teeth. His name is Dr. Grabman. He's probably one of the nicest men I've ever met, which makes me wonder why he'd want to inflict pain upon so many helpless people. Not that he brings the pain when I visit. The only time he's ever done anything painful to me was when I was six and had to get four teeth pulled and even then my entire face was numb and I had my Theodore the chipmunk doll so I was OK.

A few years ago, Dr. Grabman moved his practice into a newer, nicer facility. There are televisions in all the exam rooms. I was pleasantly surprised that the TV in the lobby was playing Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Unfortunately, when I got back to my exam room, the TV was on the Weather Channel. Not to worry, though, because a few minutes later the dental hygienist (who I will be calling . . . Bernice) changed the channel because gasp Oprah was on! Now, I can pretty much take or leave Oprah. I don't hate her but I don't particularly like her show that much. I'll watch it if I happen to flip past it while channel surfing and the subject looks interesting, but I don't normally watch it. Today, though, Oprah was interviewing . . . wait for it, Gwyneth Paltrow. About her BRAND NEW baby. You know, it's great that these actresses are happy being new mothers and everything, but do we have to hear EVERY GODDAMN DETAIL? I don't care that Julia Roberts had twins, I don't care that Monica Gellar named her kid Coco, and I DON'T CARE that Gwyneth values being a mother over absolutely every other single thing in her fantastic life, even her handsome, sensitive, musical husband. Good for you, Gwynnie! Do you think you're the first woman on earth who spat a baby out of her vagina? Because you're not. Shut UP already.

ANYWAY. There was something other than Oprah's subject matter bothering me. Bernice seemed to be a lot more interested in watching TV than she was in cleaning my teeth. She kept asking me things like, "doesn't Oprah look fabulous?" (yes, fantastic) and "do you think Oprah is really that nice in real life?" (NO) If we had just been sitting in the waiting room, I wouldn't have cared. But while she has pointy objects in such close proximity to my tender, pink gums, I'd rather she be, I don't know, LOOKING AT MY MOUTH and NOT the TV.

That's just me, though. I'm kind of picky.

they've only just beguuuuuun


Thursday, December 09, 2004

if dreams could come true

After all the hours and hours I've spent watching The Daily Show, only one thought keeps coming to mind . . .

I really wish Jon Stewart could interview President Bush.

Can you imagine?

Stewart: Thanks for coming, Mr. President.
Bush: It is most pleasureful.
Stewart: [something clever and sarcastic]
Bush: [something snide and unintelligible]

Sigh. I guess it will have to remain a dream.

yet another sign of my loserdom

I think my e-mail must be broken, because I haven't gotten any since I got the NY Times Headlines at 4:34 AM.

John Mayer has a TV show AND I WATCHED IT

Today was the best day ever, and I'll tell you why. Between repeated viewings of Sex and the City (thank you, HBO OnDemand) I decided to channel surf to see if anything else was on. I meant to hit 3 and then 1, but since I am so lazy that I can't even be bothered to look at the remote, I hit 6 and 4. VH1 is channel 62 and I noticed on the channel guide that John Mayer's new show was starting THAT VERY MINUTE. So, of course, I quickly changed the channel to VH1.

The show, creatively titled John Mayer Has a TV Show, was half an hour of quirkiness and laughs, LAUGHS, I tell you. The set is awesome, consisting of a card table, a couple of lawn chairs, a crappy sign, and some of those shitty ass lights you had hanging in your dorm room. Don't lie. I know you had them. First, he dressed up in a bear suit and made fun of himself in front of fans. Then he shaved a crew member's head so it looked like he had male pattern baldness. Then he saved said crew member's eyebrows off. Poor crew member. Throughout the show, he interviewed Trick Daddy and at one point they wandered around Nashville in cowboy hats.

By far my favorite part, however, was when Mayer interviewed four female fans. He asked them tough questions such as, "how do you feel about pro bono pro bongo?" Watching the fans made me feel a little embarrassed for them because, while I hope that if I were in that situation I wouldn't act as giggly and stupid as they did, part of me fears I would act EXACTLY LIKE THEM.

The show, in my own humble opinion, is hilarious. Then again, I would probably watch the show if it was just John Mayer making grilled cheese sandwiches and clipping his toenails (not at the same time, of course. That'd be gross.)

That's totally untrue, though. I'd never watch anyone clip their toenails. I don't even like watching me clip my own. Feet are gross. Even John Mayer's.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

wednesday ritual

7:58 - I run down the stairs, yelling "Wheeeeeeeeeee, it's time for Lost, change the channel to ABC NOW!!

8:00 - I sit entranced, leaning forward with my mouth hanging open. Truly classy.

every commercial break - I lean back and take a deep breath and think, "what the fuck is going on?"

8:45 - You're damn RIGHT the hobbit isn't dead!

8:59 - F-ing cliffhangers!

9:00 - "Next new episode in dum dum dum THREE WEEKS," says the announcer.


it's official . . . I am a horse's ass

It is officially the Christmas season, not because we've set up our Christmas tree and not because of the scary ladies in department stores with the psychotic gleam in their eyes, but because today in the car I heard the "fiiiiiiiiiiiiive roast beef saaaaaaaaaandwiiiiiiches" Arby's commercial.

If that doesn't say Christmas, I don't know what does.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

please, I'm begging you

I have six Gmail invites, if anyone is interested. C'mon. You know you want it. It'll be a Christmas present, from me to you.

Seriously, if no one wants them I don't know what to do with them.

Come on! Gmail is great! You want to know my favorite part of it? Too bad, I'm telling you anyway. When you delete all the Spam from the Spam folder, it says "Hooray, no Spam here!"

I'm easily amused.

don't bother, this makes no sense

My dad told me tonight that my blog has been really boring lately. So sorry, dad. It's not like I haven't noticed. I don't feel like I have anything to write about because, at the present moment, my life is pretty damn boring. I mean, I had a fun weekend, but really the stories are only funny to the people who were there. Tell me, does the word "facehole" make anyone laugh? Do you think the sentence "I lost my stuff" said with a lisp is funny? Do you think DOING THIS AND SAYING CAPS LOCK ON and then doing this and saying caps lock off is funny? Do you think the sentence "we're halfway to Drunk Town on the Captain Morgan Highway" makes ANY SENSE AT ALL CAPS LOCK ON?

If you do, your name is probably Danielle, Janna, Kate, Mary or Jennie. If you do not, it's because Danielle, Janna, Kate, Mary, and Jennie (ok, that's me) are WEIRD STRANGE PEOPLE. Caps lock off.

Monday, December 06, 2004

tis the season

I'm addressing Christmas cards right now. Well, not right now as in RIGHT NOW, because obviously RIGHT NOW I'm typing. But the Christmas cards are sitting in front of me, as are my address book and like five pens. This is the first year in a while that I've sent Christmas cards, mostly because all of my friends are spread all over the country. In a few months, two of my friends will be on DIFFERENT CONTINENTS but I'm trying not to think of that right now.

I kind of want to write one of those corny newsletters that some people include with their Christmas cards. Not that there's anything wrong with it. My mom used to do it. Unfortunately, mine would say something along the lines of, "Jennie is almost finished with classes. Soon she will no longer be a college student, she will be UNEMPLOYED. She spends most of her days in pajamas, talking to the dog, and yelling at job search sites that produce things like Firefighter and Welder when she's looking for something that involves sitting at a desk in a nice chair pretending to work but really she's IMing people and ODing on coffee and updating her blog." Frankly, that's just kind of depressing right now. I'll wait until I actually get a job and then I'll just send my friends newsletters by themselves with NO CARD involved at all.

Ten bucks says I'll fill out all the cards, address them, stamp them, put them in a neat little pile on my desk and then forget to send them until December 26th.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

she couldn't have eaten a five?

My dad found a twenty dollar bill in the back yard yesterday.

Unfortunately, it was encased in a pile of dog shit.

Ripley likes to eat paper products. Tissues, toilet paper, receipts, my copy of Naked Pictures of Famous People, and apparently now she's developed a taste for money.

Friday, December 03, 2004

high hopes

I think I've decided not to make any New Year's Resolutions this year. I never follow through on them anyway. Here's what happens . . . I write them down or, more likely, spout them off quickly while I'm distracted with something else, and then completely forget about them.

So. None of that THIS year. I'm going to go through 2005 with the same casual indifference I went through with in 2004.

If anything, I'll make resolutions that I'm pretty sure can't be broken even if I do nothing.

Like, for instance:

1. Don't kill anyone.
2. Don't get pregnant.
3. Don't go on a reality show.
4. Don't write a threatening letter to the President.
5. Don't forget to feed fish for more than a day.
6. Don't become too successful.
7. Don't not drink too much.
8. Don't blow up car.

I think I can handle all of that. Number 4 might be difficult, but I'm guessing my fear of going to prison probably outweighs my extreme dislike of our Commander in Chief.

chickens fascinate me

I really have nothing to say. I just felt like posting. Right now I'm watching a rerun of SNL. Earlier they did the "Oops, I crapped my pants" fake commercial. That's one of my favorites. Old people wearing diapers under their tennis clothes . . . priceless. Now they're doing the Schweaty Balls sketch. I don't really like Alec Baldwin, except on SNL. He's very hairy. I love the sketch he's in with Adam Sandler, where Adam Sandler plays Canteen Boy. All of the sentences in the paragraph are very short. I don't know why. They just are. It's like I'm five. But I'm not. Except maybe maturity-wise.

Does anyone else miss when Comedy Central owned all the SNL reruns? Now they're on E!, which, I guess is fine, but Comedy Central used to play SNL at least 3 times a day and sometimes it would be on ALL DAY LONG. Now Comedy Central is stuck with Mad TV, which just isn't as good as SNL. The only thing I like on Mad TV is Stuart. You know, the six-year-old who takes off his pants and eats candy that he finds on the ground and says things like, "Lemme do it!" and "I don't wanna say!" Junior year, when I lived in the sorority house, we were all crazy obsessed with Stuart. We downloaded a bunch of the sketches on Morpheus or Limewire or whatever software we were using to download music and videos illegally that year. My favorite illegal software was Audiogalaxy. It was better than Napster, although not as much fun to say.

ANYWAY. I'm not kidding you, we would watch these sketches every day. They were all about 5 - 10 minutes long, and we'd designate at least 20 minutes and we'd crowd around someone's computer and watch this tiny little video file and laugh and laugh and be happy and full of joy. So sad.

The worst part was, we tended to quote Stuart A LOT when we were drunk. Sometimes, to the horror of more normal people around us (which was everyone), we'd have entire conversations with each other in the Stuart voice. For those of you who have never had the privilege of hearing the Stuart voice, it's very high-pitched and whispery. And really, if you haven't heard the Stuart voice then that means you DON'T KNOW who Stuart from Mad TV is, that just makes my heart sad and MAKES ME HIT CAPS LOCK AND TYPE LIKE THIS.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

ha ha!


bitch move of the day

The phone just rang, and the caller ID said "United States . . ." I was intrigued, so I answered it.

Me: Hello?

Man on other end: Hello, this is Gunnery sergeant Blah Blah, may I please speak to Melinda?

Me: She's not home. Can I take a message?

GSBB: I was wondering if you all would be interested in information on joining the Marines.

Me: Sorry, we're pacifists.

GSBB: [awkward silence]

Me: Thanks for calling!


honk honk

Do you know what's on TV at 4 in the morning? Infomercials, which I don't mind because I actually like watching some of those. I don't like all the weight loss ones, but I like the ones selling like 40 CDs as a package. X-Files reruns, which I love but can be really creepy when I'm the only one awake and I've already freaked myself out imagining that there's someone outside the window. Actual music videos on both MTV and VH1. And Fuse, but they're always playing music videos. And finally, crappy movies. I watched part of a crappy movie with John Travolta, part of a crappy movie that looked like a ripoff of The Ring, and part of Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot!

I heard my dad's alarm go off twice, so he must have hit snooze. I heard him shut the door to the bathroom. I heard him leave for work. I think I fell asleep sometime after this, but I woke back up at 8:23. I drifted back to sleep, then woke up a few more times before I finally dragged myself out of bed.

Before I went to "sleep" last night, I caught part of Beetlejuice. That movie holds a special place in my heart, if only because my friend's little brother used to imitate Beetlejuice grabbing his crotch and going, "HONK HONK." Priceless.

Anyway, the part I watched last night was when Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis find their Dead Person's Handbook or whatever it's called. Alec Baldwin draws a door on the brick wall, knocks three times and it opens.

I hesitate to tell you this because I think it makes me seem crazier than I really am. When I was younger I drew a door on the side of our house with chalk, knocked three times, and waited for the door to the underworld to open.

I don't know what's worse. The fact that I was influenced by a movie like Beetlejuice or that I actually thought it would work and was disappointed when the door didn't immediately open.

jennie need sleepie

I've been lying in bed for almost three hours trying to fall asleep. I tried reading myself tired. I tried boring myself tired by watching cable access TV. I tried a relaxation exercise I learned in yoga. I think I fell asleep for like two minutes, but here I am now, wide awake.

Well, not exactly wide awake. I'm tired, I know I should be sleeping, but I just can't seem to fall asleep. This has been happening off and on (more on than off) all month and I can't figure out why. My sister and mom take melatonin before they go to bed, but I tried that and it made me feel weird. Granted, that was probably all in my head, but still. I don't like feeling any weirder than normal.

I could take some Tylenol PM, but in the past that has made me feel super groggy when I wake up. So, unless I plan on sleeping til 4 in the afternoon tomorrow (which would be nice, but very unproductive) I probably shouldn't take any of that. If I'd thought of it earlier, I could have just drank myself to sleep, but it's too late for that and I don't want to deal with the hangover tomorrow anyway. Excuse me, not tomorrow, later today.

This is such a vicious cycle. I lie there in bed, staring at the ceiling thinking, "I should be sleeping. I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow. Ok, if I fall asleep right now I can still get 6 hours of sleep and that's totally fine. What is that noise outside? Oh my god, what if someone's trying to break in. I should look out the window to make sure no one's out there. But what if there is? What if they're standing right outside my window and when I look out all I'll see are two dark, glaring eyes staring back at me? That'd scar me for life. Where's my cell phone? If someone tries to break in, I'll probably hear it and I'll just call 911. Do they really put people on hold? That is so wrong. Oh my god, what if I don't wake up? He'll come straight into my room because it's the first door and I won't hear it because I'll be so tired by then that I'll be DEAD ASLEEP and then when he comes in I'll just be DEAD! Maybe I shouldn't read Stephen King before bed anymore. Ok, if I fall asleep right now I can still get almost 6 hours of sleep." More and more time passes, and I start to worry about how I'm not going to get any sleep that it makes me all anxious thus PROHIBITING me from going to sleep.

What is WRONG with me?

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

highlight of the day

Well, it was GOING to be the turkey sandwich I made with leftover turkey. BUT.

Then I watched Jeopardy. I've been waiting for this moment for MONTHS.

Ken Jennings. Finally. Lost.

He lost! Yay!

Long time readers may remember my extreme (and completely irrational) dislike of Ken Jennings. I'm just so happy. The nightmare is finally over. I can finally watch Jeopardy again without wanting to claw out my eyes and jab spoons in my ears.

Happy, happy day.


Since I'm getting so many new visitors from BE, I thought I'd post something new so the first thing people saw was not "holy shitballs." One (of the three, whoohoo!) comment on my blog explosion account asked that I bring the profanity down a bit.

Stop laughing.

To this person, I have to say thanks for commenting but there is no way in hell (see?) I'm going to be able to stop with the profanity. I watch my language in front of my grandma, professors, my young cousins, and at church. However, I don't censor myself on this blog and I never will. Pretty much everything you see (not everything, though, my brain is a scary place) comes out like it sounds in my head, curse words and all. Sorry if it offends, but I'm not going to stop doing it. All I can say is, if you don't like profanity, you probably don't want to read any of my entries from November 2nd to about the 5th.

When I was a freshman in college, I took a beginning Psych class. We were studying behavior modification and the prof told us we all had to pick something we wanted to change about ourselves and then actually try to change it, using positive or negative reinforcement.

I decided I was going to try to stop cursing as much because, if anything, I have become less profane than I used to be. When I went away to college, those words just flew out of my mouth. Why? I think it was because I had worked at a library for two years, often around children, and I had all these words bottled up inside of me that were just dying to get out. And so, freshman year, they did.

My experiment was simple. Instead of putting money in a jar for every curse word I said, I decided I would inflict pain upon myself. I put a rubber band around my wrist, and every time I cursed I would snap the rubber band against the inside of my wrist. And I couldn't NOT do it, because I'd stupidly told all of my friends about the experiment. Every time I cursed their eyes would light up with anticipation, waiting for me to snap the rubber band and flinch with pain. Assholes.

The experiment was supposed to last a week. After a day of torturing myself, I had to put the rubber band on the other wrist. Two days later, I had given up completely because both wrists were red and tender.

After the experiment, I accepted the fact that I will probably always have a dirty mouth.

Give up profanity?

Fuck that.

Monday, November 29, 2004

holy shitballs

I joined BlogExplosion yesterday, and my traffic is way up already. Usually I'm lucky to get about 50 visitors a day. Today I've had 120 so far.

Hot damn!

kiss my ass

I got this from another blog, but for the life of me, I can't find a link to it. Sue me.

A post-election poem . . .

In the spirit of reconciliation with my Republican friends and neighbors, I offer this poem:

The election is over, the results are now known.
The will of the people has clearly been shown.

We should show by our thoughts and our words and our deeds
That unity is just what our country now needs.

Let's all get together.
Let bitterness pass.

I'll hug your elephant.

You kiss my ass!

Sunday, November 28, 2004

sweet dreams

The past two nights I have dreamed of someone I haven't seen since the summer after graduating from high school. For those counting, that was four and a half years ago.

If I run into this person sometime soon, I'm going to freak out.


Things I did today:

watched Corky Romano
folded a load of laundry
hung Christmas lights outside
watched Desperate Housewives
finished a book
became addicted to BlogExplosion
gave up on the novel (for now)
cleaned my room

Things I should have done today but didn't:

cleaned the bathroom
cleaned the living room
changed my sheets

Oh well.


It's almost time for Desperate Housewives! Whoooooohoooooooooo!!

So, I'm living vicariously through a TV show, you say? What of it?

what would brian boitano do?

South Park: the movie is on Comedy Central right now, with all the dirty language and everything. I was just thinking, is it bad that I know all the words to every song? And I can pretty much recite the entire movie along with it. I don't care. I love this movie.

Once junior year we tried to play South Park: The Drinking Game. We watched the movie and drank every time they said a cuss word. After about five minutes, we changed it so we only drank when they said "fuck." After half an hour, we stopped playing because none of us wanted to die.

If I ever try out for American Idol (doubtful) I think I'll use "Uncle Fucka" for my audition song.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

highlight of the day

Hearing my dad yell, "It's a chimney, you stupid bitch!" while watching Hildy on Trading Spaces express confusion about what you call "that chute thing Santa comes down."

I hate Hildy.

raindeer heads on stakes

Since Thanksgiving has come and gone, today we started putting up Christmas decorations. We don't put up nearly as many as we used to. Our house used to be covered with colored lights and we always had some kind of lit up statue in our yard. For a while, we had this stake that had Rudolph's head on it. Wait, that sounds bad, like we're Vikings or Huns or something. But we're not. Anyway, Rudolph's head was made of wood, and painted brown (obviously) but his nose was just this huge, red, lightbulb. So at night, all you could see in our yard was this dot of red light.

Now that my sister and I are older, putting up the tree isn't as fun as it used to be. We used to fight over who would get to put certain ornaments up. I always had to hang the elf shoe with the tiny bells because we used to tease our old dog Rusty with it. My sister always wanted to hang, well, everything else. Now, however, we fight about who HAS to put the ornaments up. Except for the elf shoe, I'm still all over that one.

This afternoon, after the tree was decorated and the stockings were hung, I decided I wanted to hang some lights outside. No problem, except none of us had any idea where all of the outside light strands were, other than some vague directions from my dad. "Under the stairs in a Tupperware container."

No they weren't. I finally found them in the closet off of the bathroom in the basement (which I guess TECHNICALLY is under the stairs, but I know that's not what my dad meant). I took them upstairs and opened the bin to find at least 5 strands of light all tangled up. Most of them work, though. I was going to hang them tonight, but then it got dark (you know, like it does) and started raining. I'll do it tomorrow. As long as it's not raining.

Oh, and to the person who found this blog by searching for "ashlee simpsons AIM screenname," it's AssleeNotBlonde. And YOU'RE WELCOME.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

giving thanks

So, I'm giving into peer pressure and telling everyone what I'm thankful for. Not that I think anyone will be reading this tonight, because I'm guessing that if your family is anything like mine, you'll be hungover from turkey and wine for the next couple days anyway.

Here are the things I'm thankful for:

1. This is obvious. My family, of course, for being able to handle death with grace, love, and especially humor.

2. My friends for still being friends with me even when I send them e-mails about hot dogs or Mr. Darcy or Will Ferrell being my lover.

3. Late night infomercials, especially the Time-life music ones. Last night, I watched one for the 150 best romance songs and heard "Moon River" about five times.

4. Mashed potatoes. Ok, basically potatoes in any form.

5. My dog, even though her ears are bald and her farts smell like skunk plus rotten eggs.

6. My fish, even though it's plotting to kill me.

7. Mr. Darcy.

8. Wine, especially at family events, even though it never ends well, like a few weeks ago at the event I will fondly remember as That Time I Drank Wine All Day And Night And Puked And Had My Worst Hangover Ever In Front Of My Parents. TTIDWADANAPAHMWHEIFOMP, for short.

9. Spongebob Squarepants watches from Burger King.

10. Febreze.

11. Desperate Housewives.

12. Lost.

13. Jon Stewart, for getting me through the next four years.

14. Starbucks.

15. Republicans (haha, J/K!)

16. My Alias DVDs, for preparing me in case I am ever taken hostage by Russians or ever have to steal a piece of art from a museum.

17. My trusty thesaurus, or should I say, my trusty "onomasticon/lexicon/storehouse of words."

18. You all, for still reading this blog even when I talk about my underwear and Elf and mucus and you EVEN school me on digital cameras.


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

for my 17th post of the day

Christmas comes early this year. At least for John Mayer fans, and as you may have gathered, I am a John Mayer fan.

John Mayer Has a TV Show premieres on December 9th on VH1.

Thank you, Santa.


To the person who found my blog by searching for "pictures of a stiffie":


And I'm guessing this wasn't what you were looking for.

And also? Thanks for giving me my best search phrase hit ever.

what TIME is it?!

I am now the proud owner of a Plankton watch from Burger King. I will wear it with pride.

Until I can buy a Spongebob one, of course.

gobble gobble

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and you know what that means! That's right, it means I will be at my grandparent's house, fighting with my Aunt Carla over the last scoop of mashed potatoes. I think I would be just as happy if Thanksgiving included only turkey, mashed potatoes, and rolls. Call me boring, but I don't need all that extra stuff. I don't like yams, I don't like cranberry sauce, and I am very picky about stuffing. I'm actually a very picky person for someone who doesn't cook.

One of my favorite Thanksgivings ever was six years ago at my Aunt Carla's. Her dogs, Rowdy and Randi, had just had eleven puppies. They were all chocolate and black labs. They weren't even a month old on Thanksgiving, because they'd been born on Halloween. We got our dog, Ripley, from that litter. Honestly, I can't think of anything more fun than playing with a litter of puppies for hours. Even taking them outside to go to the bathroom was fun. We all took turns walking outside with a puppy under each arm.

I'm looking at Ripley right now, as she sleeps on the floor, groaning and farting in her old age, and I'm very thankful I don't have to carry her outside to go to the bathroom anymore.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

the evidence is adding up

Adding more suspicion to the theory that I am, in fact, adopted and that my father and I will never agree on the merits of any movie, my father (or is he?) just said that The Day After Tomorrow was better than Elf.

I was speechless. Don't worry, it was only for a moment.

Honestly, I don't really think you can compare the two. Elf is a fun-for-all-ages, Christmas romp through New York City and The Day After Tomorrow is, well, a flaming piece of shit.

Now, I will go watch Scrubs, which, inexplicably, my father also does not enjoy. HOW is that possible?

so, like, in two days then?

I really meant to work on my novel tonight, but instead I made popcorn and watched one of the stupidest movies ever made. The only reason I watched it was because Jake Gyllenhaal is in it so I figured it couldn't be all bad. Oh, Jake. What were you thinking?

It doesn't say much about a movie when I'm more worried about them burning books to keep warm than I am if the characters live or die. I hope they were burning all the Grisham and Danielle Steele and Nicholas Sparks books and not something good like, say, anything else.

Monday, November 22, 2004


The underwear I'm wearing right now have spent the majority of the day completely wedged up my butt.

Just thought I'd share.

clueless (as usual)

Here's the thing. I'm asking my parents for a digital camera for Christmas, and my mom wants me to tell her a few ideas so she knows what cameras to look at.

The problem? I don't really know anything about digital cameras. I don't know what a good price to pay is, I don't know what brands are better than others, I don't know what software I need or how I'll print the photos. Basically, I know jack shit about digital cameras, other than what ones I think are shiny and pretty, and that's not very helpful.

But if any of you brilliant and technologically savvy people out there have any advice on the subject, I'd be very grateful.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

the week of Darcy

If my life has had a theme this past week, it would have to be either mucus or Mr. Darcy. And frankly, I'd rather focus on Mr. Darcy.

I found myself strangely drawn in to this book called Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife, a sequel to Pride and Prejudice although not, obviously, written by Jane Austen, of course, but in the same style. It was addicting. Then, my mom and I managed to watch the entire Pride and Prejudice miniseries, all six hours of it, while we were sick. Once we finished that, we moved onto Girl with a Pearl Earring, starring Colin Firth, aka, Mr. Darcy.

I also managed to sqeeze in two viewings of Love Actually (Firth alert) and also two of Bridget Jones. And last night, the SNL that Colin Firth hosted was on.

And today, my friends, I saw Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. My life is complete. I can now die happy, because I've witnessed Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fighting like girls in a fountain.

I really enjoyed the sequel, although not as much as the original. I especially enjoyed when Bridget made a comment about wishing Mark Darcy would show up at her door in a wet, white shirt.

Pride and Prejudice fans, I know you know what I'm talking about.

Saturday, November 20, 2004


Fighting with my sister often leads to many things. When we were younger, it usually led to violence. Hair pulling, biting, name calling, slapping, punching, and eventual separation by our exasperated mother.

Last night, it led to my sister dumping her full glass of water on my lap. The minor transgression was on my part. She had left the room, I sat in her chair, and changed the TV channel. She got mad. Bickering ensued. Fighting escalated and I ended up soaking wet. Suddenly we're 8 and 12 again, and as such, I did what any 12-year-old would do. I told.

She was banished to her room, blaming me, of course, for forcing her to commit the atrocity of saturation.

This happens a lot. Not the water throwing (although it has in the past), but the constant bickering. She resents me, I think, not just for being first, but for encroaching on her territory after being gone for so long. I resent her for saying things to me that I fear are true. "You're lazy, you're worthless, you'll never get a job, I hate you."

The fighting picks up again this morning. Old names are pulled out; brat, idiot, bitch, until I remember that I'm no longer 12 and I roll my eyes and hold my tongue.

My sister retreats to her room, I retreat to my book and things quiet down. She showers and after, comes out to tell me something. I prepare for more fighting and make sure there are no cups of water around.

"I'm done in the bathroom if you need in there," she says. Civil. I nod. A silent truce is called.

I shower and get dressed. I turn on the radio, because 99.9, as they do every year, is playing Christmas music 24-7 until Christmas Day. An echo tells me that my sister is listening to the same station. I walk into her room and pretend to sing along to "O Come all ye Faithful," flailing my arms and making exaggerated singing faces and suddenly all is forgiven.

For now.


Today my blog is one year old. Happy First Birthday, Blog!

I feel like I should do something celebratory, but I don't know what. What kind of cake do you think my blog likes?

Friday, November 19, 2004

I'm Jennie . . . I'm disgusting

I just looked in the mirror and I really, really hope no one rings the door right now because I look scary. I haven't showered since Wednesday morning because I was too busy yesterday blowing my nose every 5 minutes and hacking my lungs up. The only thing I could manage to do was make tea and watch half of Pride and Prejudice with my mom, who was also busy hacking a lung up.

I don't think I brushed my hair once yesterday, and it looks it. It's greasy and sticking up in five different places, and the part is all jagged and not in a good way. My shirt smells like Vicks VapoRub and there's a huge stain on it where I spilled broth from my Chicken and Stars soup. And I just knocked over my glass of water, so my pants are all wet.

Also? I haven't shaved my legs in a reeeeeeeeally long time.

But don't worry. I'm getting in the shower RIGHT NOW.

And I might even shave my legs.

Probably not, though.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

bite me, November

It turns out I don't have a cold. I have freaking bronchitis. So does my mom. I haven't had bronchitis since I was little (I don't think).

It's so fun!

My mom went to the doctor earlier. I didn't go because I had the exact same symptoms other than shortness of breath. The doctor said we both have it, and that's it's going around (so WATCH OUT) but my mom's is worse because of her asthma. Which means she feels shittier than I do, so she must be feeling reeeeeeeally bad.

Mucus sucks.

Seriously, I don't know when I slipped into some dimension where November equals complete and utter HELL on earth, but I'd like to go back now, please.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

it's so obvious that I'm putting something off

Ok. I'm planning on working on the novel for a while tonight. I've managed to distract myself from it all day. Not that I was doing anything important. I wasn't. All the same, I was very distracted by my book, other blogs, homework, posting stupid entries on my own blog (see all entries from today), dinner, making a "quarantine" sign for the back door, Lost, the height of my desk chair, and now Full House reruns.

The only important thing on that list was watching Lost. I'm obsessed with that show. It's probably my favorite show on TV, aside from The Daily Show, but that doesn't count because it's a "news" show. I wish it was on every night. It'd be great if I could design my own TV network, because it would only play shows I like.

Actually, that's probably what Tivo is, right? I'm not really sure what Tivo does, other than it apparently records things it thinks you'll like.

I just noticed that I somehow got peanut butter on the cover of a book I haven't even READ yet. I also tore the cover. I hate when my books don't look pristine and new. That's mainly why I hate lending my books to people. No one else takes the kind of care as I do (read: obsessive) when they borrow them. Once I asked a friend to replace the book her sister has sat on, because the cover was all bent, and she just laughed at me. She thought I was kidding. I wasn't.

fly away

I was in Meijer the other day. Do they have those everywhere or just in Ohio? Basically it's like Wal-Mart, Kroger, and Target all rolled into one. It has everything. You could do your grocery shopping, buy a new TV, cash your paycheck, sell your children, complete your Christmas shopping, and get your pictures developed all in one place. Recently, the Meijer in my neighborhood has done a lot of renovation. The store used to look really warehouse-y, kind of like Sam's Club or Big Bear. Well, now it looks more like Target pretty much everywhere but the grocery section.

Meijer will never be Target, though, and you know why? Because there are always birds flying around Meijer. Always. I was standing in the pet section, looking at those dorky figurines you can put in fish bowls (shut up) and when I looked up I saw two birds (sparrows or something, I'm not a freaking ornithologist) sitting up in the rafters. You never see that at Target. I have no idea how the birds get into Meijer, but every time I go in there (which is not very often because I hate Meijer with the fire of a thousand suns) they're there.

This was about the time I started laughing hysterically, scaring the little old lady down the aisle, because I was picturing someone getting home with their new desk or sweater or crate of oranges and finding bird poop all over it.

water, snot, and pee

I cannot stop drinking water today. I think I'm on my 8th glass. I'm sure it's because I have a cold and I've been walking around with my mouth hanging open like a confused redneck. No offense to rednecks, confused or otherwise.

I hate being sick. At least sick like this, where I don't really feel all that bad so I can't get away with staying in bed all day watching awful Lifetime movies. But having a cold is just a pain in the ass. First of all, most cold medicine makes me feel weird. I'm taking Dayquil right now and that seems to be OK, as long as I don't accidently overdose. I took some random medicine from the cabinet the other night, thinking it'd knock me out and I'd get a really good night's sleep. No, instead I felt dizzy and jittery like I was drunk or high or had too much coffee. I read the back of the bottle the next morning and the warning label said to stop taking it if you experienced dizziness or sleeplessness. WTF? I don't think normal cold medicine should have a warning label.

Also? I keep blowing my nose but NOTHING COMES OUT. I know there's stuff up there. Hence the heavy, mouth-breathing. Seriously, every time I blow my nose and something comes out I get a little excited. Sure, it's disgusting but it's kind of fascinating that that much stuff can come out of your own body.

The major thing that sucks about drinking all this water is that I'm peeing every 20 minutes, which is annoying as hell. I have a small bladder and usually have to pee ALL THE TIME on normal days when I try to limit my beverage intake, but add in twenty liters of water and if I find myself far from a bathroom I'm completely screwed.

I guess I'll stop talking about my bodily functions. At least for right now. I need more water.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

phobia friend

Someone found my blog by searching for "irrational fear of zombies."

My work here is done.

reason number 538 that I'm going straight to hell

Baxlala: today I saw a car with both a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker AND a Creed sticker

HotBowlofChilli: I saw that on your blog a few mintues ago....I don't know how you resisted not hitting that car

Baxlala: I would have, but it was a pretty shitty car anyway

HotBowlofChilli: i love the fact that the dj's on the radio station we listen to at work are ruthless when it comes to creed and the lead singer and altar bridge

Baxlala: everyone hates Scott Stapp

Baxlala: even Jesus

HotBowlofChilli: Jesus is prolly like "stop pretending to have my super powers"

Baxlala: hahaha, right now I'm picturing Jesus wearing a cape

HotBowlofChilli: if I was Jesus, I'd wear a cape

Baxlala: me too

Baxlala: not tights, though

HotBowlofChilli: cuz you'd just get made fun of for wearing a cape...but Jesus could pull it off, cuz it's not cool to make fun of Jesus

Baxlala: I wonder what super powers Jesus has

Baxlala: besides walking on water

Baxlala: and turning water into wine

Baxlala: and, you know, raising the dead

HotBowlofChilli: x-ray vision?

Baxlala: oooh, good one

Baxlala: invisibility?

HotBowlofChilli: reading minds?

Baxlala: oh, definitely

HotBowlofChilli: attracting metal things, like magneto?

HotBowlofChilli: although I don't know how much metal they had back then

Baxlala: I bet he could walk through walls and stuff, too

HotBowlofChilli: that's a good one

HotBowlofChilli: I remember I once made this kid very offended when I posed the question: if Jesus, Socrates, and Confucius got in a fight, who would win?

Baxlala: a fist fight or a verbal fight?

HotBowlofChilli: fist

Baxlala: well, you know it wouldn't be Jesus

Baxlala: he's a pacifist

HotBowlofChilli: but what if Socrates attacked? would he defend himself?

Baxlala: I don't think so

HotBowlofChilli: you think he'd just take the beating? or would he disapparate?

HotBowlofChilli: (apparently now Jesus has Harry Potter magical powers)

Baxlala: is this regular Jesus or new and improved Super!Jesus

HotBowlofChilli: superjesus

Baxlala: cause I think Super!Jesus would fight back

Baxlala: and then he'd win, because the other two have no super powers

Baxlala: that we are aware of

HotBowlofChilli: but does Confucius know martial arts?

Baxlala: I don't know

Baxlala: let's say he does, though, that's still no match for Super!Jesus's wolverine claws

HotBowlofChilli: I think it's agreed that Socrates is a wuss and would get his ass beaten by the other two...I don't think he even figures into the equasion

Baxlala: oh, I agree

Baxlala: he'd just stand there asking questions until someone punched him in the face

HotBowlofChilli: but what if Confucius has throwing stars and keeps out of distance from the claws?

HotBowlofChilli: perhaps superjesus and Confucius would just team up in kicking Socrates' ass

Baxlala: then Super!Jesus could use his invisibility skills

Baxlala: ooooh, that's interesting

HotBowlofChilli: and then they could be the super-philospher friends

Baxlala: I think if Confucius and Super!Jesus put their minds to it, they could take over the world

HotBowlofChilli: too bad we don't have rings to summon them like Captain Planet...because I think they'd both be all about deposing our president

Baxlala: oh, they would

Baxlala: Jesus would be all "stop pretending you're doing what my dad told you!"

HotBowlofChilli: and Confucius would just throw pointy stars at his head

Baxlala: that would be awesome

Baxlala: by the way, this is all going in my blog

HotBowlofChilli: as it should