I will tryyyyyyy to fix you

You know how sometimes you wake up and you're just in a shitty mood for no reason? I mean, sure you do. Everyone experiences this every now and then. Or maybe you don't, weirdo, I don't know your life. But for those of us non-robots who do, occasionally, wake up on the wrong side of the bed (that's the left side, right?), how do you combat that? Do you try at all?

I do so love getting a good wallow on. I like to make an occasion of it. (See: WORST. DAY. EVER. Week.) But there are days that I don't WANT to wallow. I want to be happy because who wants to walk around in a constant state of bitchface? (OK, in all honestly, that is sort of fun sometimes BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.) Anyway. On the days I don't want to devote an entire week to having WORST. DAYS. EVER., I just choose to be happy.

Yeah. That's right. I tell my brain to stop fucking around and start releasing some goddamn endorphins or whatever it is brains spew all over your body so you don't feel like cold-cocking a baby. I don't know, I'm not a brain scientist.

Whatever. Guess how often this works? NOT OFTEN is the answer. You can't just boss your brain, you guys! Your brain is smarter than you! It will not bow down to your iron will, especially if your iron will is like mine, all, "aww, gee, brain, please be happy?" and less like, "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD, FILTHY BRAIN."

So what do you do if your brain won't listen to you? Do you give in, shut your office door, lie on the floor, and listen to Coldplay all day? NO. NEVER EVER DO THAT, YOU GUYS, THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Here's what I'd recommend instead of listening to sad bastard FM:

1. Don't go to work. 

(DISCLAIMER: don't play hooky, because you might get fired.)

Take a personal day? If you can? Or you could try to time your shitty days so they only show up on the weekend, but how often does THAT happen? Anyway, my reasoning here is that if you're already in a shitty mood, going to work isn't going to help anything.

2. Put on pajamas. 

Shower first, though! The last thing you want when you're having a shitty day is to wander past a mirror and catch a glimpse of your greasy-haired, pasty-faced self. Another option, I guess, is to cover all of your mirrors with sheets or towels or something but that seems like a lot of tedious work for someone who is already irritated.

3. Make some peanut butter toast. 

Let that shit melt before you eat it, OK? Are you some kind of animal?

4. Open the windows for some fresh air. 

But not if it's 104 (or -4) degrees outside ARE YOU CRAZY?  

5. Pick a favorite TV show to watch. All day. 

Not, like, Buffy or Friday Night Lights. You're trying to make your brain happy, not make it cry forever. Might I suggest comedy? Community, Parks and Rec, The Office (seasons 1-5, anyway), Arrested Development, etc. 

6. Have a pet. 

I mean, don't go out and just buy one (THAT IS IRRESPONSIBLE) but if you have a dog or a cat who will curl up on your lap as you watch your favorite TV shows, that'll go a long way in the happy department. If you don't have a pet, maybe go outside and see if you can coax a squirrel into your house.

7. Take a walk. 

Yeah, I know you have your pajamas on. Who cares?

8. Eat some vegetables, maybe? 

I know, I know! You don't like vegetables! But they'll make you feel awesome and, I mean, stop being such a baby, YOU ARE AN ADULT EAT SOME DAMN BROCCOLI. Or asparagus. It makes your pee smell funny, which is hilarious.

9. Watch the following video DUH WHY DO I KEEP HAVING TO TELL YOU THIS:



There. I fixed your shitty mood. GIVE ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS.