Let's all go to the movies and STFU.

We went to the movies last weekend and not the giant movie theater that has a billion screens, but the teeny tiny one downtown that only has, I think, three? Joe, how many screens does The Neon have? I don't know. I do know the theater we were in had the smallest screen ever, which was fine, because we were seeing The King's Speech and not, like, Tron.

There were maybe like fifty seats (I really have no idea) in the theater, which is teeny tiny, but it wasn't even full during our show. I don't understand why every showing at this theater isn't standing room only because The Neon serves beer. And wine, I think. Maybe people just don't know.

The couple sitting next to us, in the innermost seats of the aisle, knew this because the guy left in the middle of the movie to get more beer. Which, fine, but he also got up before the movie started to get beer and that meant climbing over four other pairs of legs on his way out. There were plenty of seats on the ends of the aisles, so I'm not sure why they didn't sit there. Whatever, I could have overlooked that had they not been so annoying. The lady kept getting on her iPhone to...I don't know, maybe update Facebook that Colin Firth is still a damn good-looking man? What is that? Get off your phone! And the guy...I don't know what his deal was, but he kept sort of talking to the screen. I think? I mean, he'd just randomly be like, "Ohhhhhh," or, "Uh-huh" and he wasn't even whispering, he was talking louder than the movie.

And he wasn't the only one! There was a guy in the aisle across from ours, sitting in the corner with his companion, and he was SO LOUD. Like, he was almost yelling, I'm totally serious. Joe eventually shushed him and then the beer-getting guy sitting next to me LAUGHED. I chose to believe he was laughing because shushing movie-talkers is hilarious, not because it's funny to talk during movies, otherwise I would have karate chopped his face off.

There are a lot of people in this world that I don't understand, but, Teabaggers aside, movie-talkers are the most mysterious to me. I'm of the belief that once the previews start, you should not say anything unless you're on fire. And even then, you should calmly make your way to one of the exits and wait to start screaming until you're safely out of the theater. That's called being considerate.

So the person who totally disregards the fact that he is not actually sitting at home in his living room? He completely baffles me. What goes on in his head? Anything? Does he think we can't hear him? Or that his comment is so witty that the room will erupt with laughter? Or maybe he just doesn't give a shit...being considerate to others is for commie liberal pussies anyway.

I have been known to shush a person, but only if they're sitting near me. I would actually get up, find an usher, and TOTALLY TATTLE ON THEM if it didn't mean I'd miss part of the movie. I once told the teenage girl in front of me to "get off her fucking phone," during a showing of Mean Girls, after shushing her twice to no avail. I shushed the people behind me during The X-Files movie (the new one) because even though I was BORED OUT OF MY MIND, it's the principle of the thing, you know? And I openly rejoiced when a group of teenagers was publicly shamed by the usher for being obnoxious during Half-Blood Prince BECAUSE YOU DON'T TALK DURING HARRY POTTER.

That said, if you have something really important to say, it's OK to WHISPER it to someone sitting next to you. And when I say "whisper," I mean even the person you're whispering to should BARELY be able to hear you. Like, during The King's Speech, it was obviously really important that I lean over to Joe and tell him that the actress playing Myrtle Logue played Elizabeth Bennet opposite Colin Firth's Mr. Darcy*. But you know what? When Bertie and Myrtle finally meet in the movie? In my head I was all, "MR DARCY AND ELIZABETH BENNET REUNITED," but I squeed in silence, OK? SO SHUT UP.

*I waited until the movie was over to tell him that Mr. Collins was also in it