P90X: Days 3 and 4 and my abs, oh my god

So. I've completed P90X, days 3 and 4, and so far, so good. The weight-lifting stuff wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, mainly because you get to rest a lot, which is nice, but the Ab Ripper HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD. What in the what? That's, like, impossible, right? There were a few times I had to stop and just stare at the TV in disbelief because HOW WERE THEY DOING THAT?

Anyway. I did the yoga workout yesterday and it was definitely tough. I haven't done much yoga, other than a class or two in college and a half-assed attempt to do a yoga DVD a handful of times, and that's mostly because I am not coordinated or flexible AT ALL. That said, I did enjoy the yoga workout. I have a lot of respect for people who are good at yoga (AHEM mysterygirl!, hee) because they make it look so effortless. And it is the opposite of effortless. My only complaint about the yoga workout is that it's an hour and a half long. I'm sure that, as I continue on through this program, I'm going to want to either skip it entirely or do something else in its place, but I'm going to try and stick with it. It can only help my (lack of) balance issues, so maybe I'll trip and fall down less often.

In other news, I have to do the Ab Ripper workout again tonight. DO NOT WANT.

fitness-y (read: boring) talk ahead

I completed the first two days of P90X over the weekend (only 88 to go...whoohoo?) and so far, I'm a fan. I'm doing the Lean Program, which, as I understand it, is less weight-lifty stuff and more jump-around-until-you-feel-like-you're-going-to-pass-out stuff.

The first day was called Core Synergistics and, if you're smarter than I am which I assume you are, you will have already guessed that this involved a lot of exercises that work your core. Duh. I didn't think too much about it at the time, though, and was surprised to find that the next day my abs felt like they were going to fall off. I even modified some of the moves because, well, they were hard and I am whiny. There was this one thing where you were supposed to (from a standing position), sit down really fast, roll backwards, push your feet up to the ceiling, and then roll back up, and I was like, "um, no," and so I did my own version. There are also these things called Superman Bananas which are just torture. Look them up on YouTube or something and then try it and you will know true evil, I swear. Here, I found a video for you and the guy even has an accent YOU'RE WELCOME.

Day 2 was a cardio workout called, wait for it...CARDIO. Right. It actually wasn't too bad. I mean, it was still challenging and I was definitely working hard, but I didn't feel like I was going to die until it was time to do the damn Superman Bananas again WTF NO. Anyway. I actually really liked this workout, specifically the exercise called Wacky Jacks. I'm not really sure how to explain them. But, like, if Phoebe Buffay did jumping jacks before she went running, I think they'd look like Wacky Jacks.

Today I was supposed to get up before work and do Day 3 but if you know me at all, you know that didn't happen, so now I have to do it after work. It's the first weight-trainy day so expect a lot of whining tomorrow about how sore I am. Although, yesterday when I woke up, my first thought was, "oh, my, I am just sore all over," and I'm still sore today, but slightly less so, so maybe it will get better? Yes? People who've done this before? Lie to me.

Deja vu is usually a glitch in the Matrix.

So yesterday I exercised for the first time in, oh, let's say FOREVER. I wish I had a dollar for every time I've said something like that. I have started and then quit exercising SO MANY TIMES. My point is, get ready to read a post that is just like a bunch of other posts you've already read! Whoo!

Anyway, so I did this workout DVD even though it was really nice outside, because it was really windy, too, like so windy that when I was walking Max, he would stop every time there was a huge gust of wind, I mean just PLANT HIS FEET like he was afraid he was going to be carried away. And I only like to run outside when it's not too hot, not to cold, not too sunny, and not too windy, and since there are like three of those days a year in Ohio, I hardly ever run outside.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, I was about to tell you that Jillian Michaels is evil, but you already know that because I've already told you that five billion times AT LEAST but oh well, I'm going to tell you again. I thought about doing the 30 Day Shred DVD yesterday, because even though it's pretty much HELL, it's only like 25 minutes worth of HELL, but I was feeling extra motivated so I did one of her longer DVDs. This one is about an hour long, with warm up and cool down and everything, and is all cardio, no weights, so I thought it would be fine. I'd just jump around for an hour, no big deal, right?

No. This DVD is TERRIBLE. So terrible that my brain must block out how terrible it is after I finish it, otherwise I'd never do the DVD again. And when I say terrible, I don't mean that it's not effective. Judging by how sore I am today, it MUST be effective but I never, ever want to do it again. And I even half-assed a lot of it because I was pretty sure I was going to pass out and the last thing I wanted was for Joe to come home and find me lying in the middle of the floor in too tight workout gear while Phoebe crawled all over me, probably puking on my back just for good measure BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF PERSON CAT SHE IS.

I guess I'm not all THAT sore today, though, if I'm being completely honest. I can still walk up the stairs, but my abs hurt when I, you know, laugh or cough or move. Here's how I know I'm crazy...I have another Jillian DVD, similar to the one I did yesterday, that is also about an hour long and the last time I did it, I thought I might really die, but I'm thinking of doing it after work today. Also, I ordered P90X and it's supposed to be delivered tomorrow. I'm sort of scared to try it, judging by what my friends who have tried it have said, but I'll probably do the first workout tomorrow. I think I'm going to teach Max how to dial 911 first, though.

show me that smile again

I went to Zumba (yes, ZUMBA) on Saturday for the first time. While I spent several songs marching in the wrong direction and flailing my arms about wildly, I enjoyed it and I'm going back tonight. It tricks you into exercising and it turns out exercising is good for you. Who knew? Anyway, the plus side of going to this Zumba class is that there's no set cost, it's all just donations to the instructor, AND it's really close to my house. The negative is that it's at a church, not that that's bad, but there are some churchy elements. Like scripture reading before the class starts (but it's short) and I'm pretty sure there were one or two Christian rock songs played during the class, but I was too busy trying not to run into people or fall down to really notice. This said, I don't really care because while I am not churchy, I do not begrudge others their churchiness (I don't know).

AND. The instructor told us before the class started that Kirk Cameron was coming to give a talk about marriage or preparing for the End Times or something, I don't know, I wasn't really listening because I was too busy mouthing, "OMG MIKE SEAVER MIKE SEAVER!" to Nancy while my 18-year-old cousin just stared at us blankly because I'm pretty sure she doesn't know who Mike Seaver is. The shame, the shame.

Anyway, I'm trying to decide if it's worth the price of the ticket to possibly accost see Mike Seaver in person. Probably not.

So, yeah, since I went to Zumba, it meant getting up early (on Saturday!) and regretting my decision to drink coffee beforehand. It was fun, though, and the fact that I keep telling people I'll meet them there means I can't flake out unless I have a really good excuse. Wanting to stay home and watch The Soup is not a good (enough) excuse.

After Zumba, I went home and was faced with this tough decision: Do I continue being productive since I'm already up and aboot? Or do I reward myself for getting up early with TV and loafing? The answer was a little of both, because Joe and I finally went to the bank to begin the long, arduous process of merging our moneys, but when we got home, I watched an episode of Doctor Who and two episodes of Grey's Anatomy (from season 2, when it was still good...ish).

I was about to start the next episode when Joe called and was all, "...um...so...I found a dog," and it was one of those times where I just wasn't sure how to react. I thought he was calling to tell me he was on his way home, not that Max might soon have a new friend. But, no, this dog was wearing tags, so we couldn't in good conscience keep her forever and hug her and squeeze her and call her George.

At first I was like, "take her to SICSA, maybe?" hoping they'd know what to do and then I remembered that I had a computer in front of me, and everyone knows that Google can solve anything. I got on SICSA's website, which led me here in a matter of CLICKS. Apparently, if you find a lost dog, you can find the owner's address and phone number just by entering the dog's tag number. I had no idea our county did this. I'd imagine your county does the same.

I plugged in the tag number and luckily the owner's current information was in there. I called them and a little girl answered the phone. I told her my name and that my husband had found a dog and that's when she squealed, "THEY FOUND CHRISTY!" and my heart melted. They didn't live far from us so I called Joe and told him where he could return the dog, and he said the whole family was outside in the front yard, waiting for him to bring their dog back. I want to cry a little, you guys, WHAT THE HELL. Anyway, I think our Dog Karma is really high now, so hopefully if Max ever gets lost (NOOOOOO), he'll find his way back to us, or someone will find his way back to us FOR him.

let's talk about gym etiquette

I know I was just complaining about the movies but now I'm going to complain about the gym and I'll tell you why. Our condo complex has a fitness room and, as far as I can tell, it's hardly ever used. I have seen other people in there maybe one or two of the times I've managed to drag myself to the treadmill, so whenever I walk in the room and see other people, I feel like they're trespassing in MY gym.

When Joe and I walked into the gym a few days ago and there were two (TWO) people already there, working on their fitness, I was perturbed. But, you know, whatever, it's their gym, too (HARRUMPH) so I couldn't really complain. Or throw them out, even though I totally wanted to. BUT. Then! They were gross. And here's why:

The guy on the treadmill who I usually see running outside no matter what the temperature had decided to move his workout indoors that day and was running super fast, was really sweaty, smelled bad enough that I could smell his BO from two machines away, and ran for at least 40 minutes, getting his sweaty-stinky-man-hands all OVER the treadmill. He finished his workout soon after Joe and I started ours, went to get a drink at the water fountain, put on his jacket, and left. Joe and I looked at one another in complete horror.

"Did he clean off his treadmill?" I asked.

"NO!" Joe exclaimed.

GROSS. YOU GUYS. THAT IS GROSS.

So meanwhile, there's this lady riding a bike in front of us. She's not wearing earphones or anything, so I know she heard us talking about how gross it was that that guy was sweating all over a machine and didn't clean it off. But what does she do? Finishes her workout, gets a drink of water, puts on her jacket, and leaves! WHAT THE HELL?

The craziest thing is that there are antibacterial wipes provided RIGHT THERE in the gym. You don't have to bring your own towel. You don't even have to go get paper towels out of the bathroom and then spray them with cleaning solution before you wipe down the machines. No. You just have to pull a wet wipe out of the container. It's so easy. I don't understand people who don't clean off their machines. If you don't clean your machine when you're done with it, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.

Gym Rules:

1. CLEAN YOUR SHIT

The most important rule of the gym is to clean up after yourself. If you sweat all over a machine, CLEAN IT OFF. How is this a difficult thing to understand?

2. GET OUT OF MY WAY

Don't stand in front of a machine or just, like, hang out on a switched-off treadmill and have a conversation with someone. Get out of the way so someone else can use it. I HATE YOU.

3. DON'T BE GROSS

When Heidi and I were members at Fitworks, we would often note that working-out-noises were eerily similar to having-sex-noises. Please be aware of the noises you are making and, um, stop making them. I should not have to give you a side-look to make sure you're not pleasuring yourself over at the bench press.

4. WTF, I WAS WATCHING THAT

If you go in the gym and someone is already there and the TV is on a certain channel/show/whatever, DO NOT CHANGE IT. Not without asking. That's rude. I don't want to watch real athletes on ESPN while I work out, I want to watch models fall off a runway on America's Next Top Model.

5. NO SERIOUSLY, CLEAN YOUR SHIT

Hi. Did you just finish your workout? Yeah? Cool. Did you clean off your machine? No? Oh. GO CLEAN YOUR SHIT.