I need a check-up from the neck up

I’ve been scared of bats ever since I was a little girl. When I was five or so, I was spending the night at my aunt’s house and I woke up at one point to find a bat sitting on my chest. I screamed bloody murder, woke up the entire house, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Except not really because no one believes it actually happened. They think I dreamt it. It’s one of those things everyone still laughs at me about, like the time I forgot to get off the bus in Kindergarten or when I started sobbing over my oatmeal one morning because I didn’t want to go to church (PMS). I’m of the mind that, whether or not it ACTUALLY happened, it was still traumatizing enough (at a very impressionable age, I might add) that I’ve been terrified of bats ever since.

Enter: our recent trip to Mexico.

We went to Mexico for my friends Mary’s wedding. It was a pretty great trip, as far as trips go, and a REALLY great wedding. We got to Puerto Vallarta last Thursday in the early afternoon, with plenty of time to go swimming and enjoy a few drinks by the pool. The wedding itself was on Saturday and, since I was a bridesmaid, I got to go to the wedding location early with Mary and the other bridesmaids.

The wedding was held at a more private location than the resort. It was only accessible by a 45 minute ferry ride, which sounds like it might suck BUT IT DIDN’T YOU GUYS WE SAW WHALES! WHALES! A mom whale and a baby whale! The captain let the boat idle for a bit so we could watch them. We also saw some baby pelicans but...come on. Whales > Pelicans.

But what of the bats, you might be asking? I’m getting to it.

Once we got to the wedding location, we had some relaxation time (seriously, it was scheduled) until about 1, at which point we ate lunch and started getting ready for the wedding. This involved showering, since we’d been lying on the beach for two hours, and there being a limited number of showers, we didn’t have a lot of extra time. Maybe we should have scheduled less relaxation time, who knows.

A friend and I decided to use the spa bathrooms, which were kind of rustic in that they were made to look cabin-y and didn’t have very much hot water. Other than that, they were fine. Each spa bathroom had a shower to the left, just as you entered, and a separate stall beyond the shower, where the toilet lived. The ceiling was high and sloped up to its highest point just over the toilet.

Anyway, so I went into my bathroom and started getting my stuff ready in the semi-dark, because either I couldn’t find a light or there wasn’t one. My friend knocked on the door to borrow some soap and, as we were talking, she looked up and shrieked, “THAT’S A BAT UP THERE.”

Now. I did not freak out. In fact, I was mad that she’d pointed it out to me, because I didn’t have my glasses on so, at that point, it just looked like a big dark blob and I probably never would have noticed it. My friend was all, “I’m sorry...I’d offer to switch bathrooms with you but I don’t think I can shower with a bat.” I glanced at the bat-like blob again. He was just hanging there, sleeping. I tried to tell myself he was a nice bat, like Batty, who was the only nice bat I could think of at the time. He’d probably just sleep through my shower, right?

So I took one for the team. I decided to shower in the presence of a bat, because god forbid I throw the entire wedding off because I was afraid of a teeny tiny animal. I was all, “He’s far enough away. He’s not even over the shower, he’s over the toilet. I just won’t pee. Unless he comes at me, in which case I will pee all over myself.” True story. As I showered, I barely took my eyes off of the bat. Which is why I noticed immediately when part of the bat separated from the rest and started flying around the bathroom.

“EEK!” I shouted. I seriously did. I shouted EEK. It turns out that’s a real noise. And you’d make that noise, too, if suddenly you were showering with two bats.

At that point I had shampoo in my hair, plus I was, you know, naked, so I couldn’t go running out of the bathroom screaming. I continued my shower, my eyes wide, staring right at the bats, one of which was still fluttering around the ceiling, while I made whimpering noises and crouched under the water. I decided not to close my eyes again, not even if I got soap in them, which is how I noticed that another part of the bat separated from the first bat and started flying around the bathroom.

This is a representation of my thoughts at that moment: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK THERE ARE THREE BATS IN HERE I’M OUTNUMBERED THREE BATS THREE BATS THREE BATS OH MY GOD I’M GONNA DIE MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING THIS MUST BE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO LOSE YOUR MIND GOODBYE MIND I’LL MISS YOU!

Because YOU GUYS THERE WERE THREE BATS IN THE BATHROOM WITH ME. WHILE I WAS NAKED AND DEFENSELESS IN THE SHOWER! AND I’M ALREADY AFRAID OF BATS. HOW WAS I TO SURVIVE THIS? HOOOOOOOOOW?

I mean. I did survive, obviously. With (most of) my mental faculties intact, even. I took the fastest shower of my life, all the while watching two out of three bats flutter menacingly around the room. I’m surprised I didn’t cut myself terribly while I was shaving, lose a bunch of blood, and pass out on the floor, at which point the bats would whip out their vampire fangs and finish me off.

In the end, I lived to tell the tale. TO EVERYONE. I tried not to make too big of a deal out of it, though. I mean, sure, I battled three bats and came out victorious but my friend got married while wearing heels IN THE SAND, so who is the bigger hero here, really?