liveblogging the election: death is not an option

Heidi: Bax. Anderson Cooper or Brian Williams?
Me: Oooh, that's tough. Brian Williams.
Heidi: I'd go Anderson Cooper ... Steve?
Steve: Brian Williams!
Heidi: Um, no. Katie Couric or Campbell Brown?

So, Steve went gay. And then Joe made inappropriate comments about Soledad O'Brien and Campbell Brown mud-wrestling. Naked.

Steve: Best. Election Night. Ever.

liveblogging the election: Heidi just blue herself

Heidi is on the phone with her mom, who voted for McCain, telling her that she let her down. And me down. And all of womankind down. It's funny.

We started watching the coverage on CNN. And then we flipped it to Fox News, but no one was yelling so it wasn't as fun as I thought it'd be. Now we're watching Brian Williams because he's hot. We all agreed. We = Heidi, me, Steve, Joe, Phoebe.

The chili was a success. The cookies are cooling on the stove. So far, so good.

liveblogging the election: I am obnoxious

Conversations with my mother: email edition

Me: Are you aware that both of your daughters voted for Obama today?
Mom: Yes, I feel SOOO honored.
Me: You should! Was the line at your precinct long?
Mom: Yeah! Your dad and I waited an hour first thing this AM and the precinct across from my work is CRAZY!
Me: That’s insane. Heidi voted early on Saturday and waited for four hours. I thought that’d mean that today wouldn’t be as busy but I guess not!
Mom: Nope, that’s kind of what I thought too but it is not proving to be true! Have you voted yet?
Me: Yeah, I took my lunch early and went around 11. It was really busy there, but my precinct must be one of the smaller ones because there wasn’t much of a line.
Mom: Well, good, I guess! Even though you voted for Obama.
Me: I couldn’t vote for McCain in case he dies. Palin scares me.
Mom: Really, and Biden doesn’t?
Me: Nope. I want Palin to stay out of my uterus and my business.
Mom: No, kiddo, tell me how you REALLY feel!
Me: I don’t like her. The end. Heidi and I made chili for tonight. It’s a healthy recipe that we’re making in the crock pot. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Mom: Okay, if it's good, you are REQUIRED to share the recipe!
Me: Well, I know you use ground turkey, and black beans instead of kidney beans, and those green chile things. And some other stuff, too.
Mom: That is so helpful dear!
Me: What, you need more details?
Mom: Ya think!?!?!

More details: here.

live blogging the election: VOTED!

I did it. You can do it, too. You know, if you're registered.

GO VOTE.

(Obama)

I AM SOFA KING NERVOUS

Hi, Internets. Did you vote yet? I hope so. Even if you voted for the wrong person (hee), I think it's important that you vote. At least then you can complain for the next four years if your candidate loses. Hell, you can complain for the next four years if your candidate wins. That's what's beautiful about this country -- you can complain as long and as loudly as you want and no one gives a shit. Hee.

I wish I'd gone to vote early this morning, because then I could be drinking free Starbucks right now. But that would have meant I needed to get up even earlier than I do already, and that thought makes me want to cry. So I'll go at lunch, and if there's a long line and I have to miss work, so be it. It's the least I can do for my country. Actually, the least I could do for my country would be to NOT vote, but again . . . see above, re: complaining.

Heidi and I ended up tossing out the "watching the returns from a bar" plan when I suggested we just make chili and invite people over. Dude, people love chili. Also, beer. And cornbread! Mmm, cornbread. I wish it was time for chili now because that would mean I'd already voted, work was over, and it was time for the results to start coming in.

We made the chili last night and it looks so good. I wish I could invite you guys over. I mean, if you want to travel all the way to Ohio, then go for it. The more the merrier. You know, just bring extra booze because we only have so much of it and I know how much some of you can drink. Heh. Heidi went to the grocery last night to buy another can of beans, because we were worried we wouldn't have enough, and while she was gone, I decided to dice the onion. First I had to Google "how to dice an onion," NOT that I couldn't have figured it out on my own, but I like to follow directions. That's a lie. I had no idea how to dice an onion, other than to start chopping the shit out of it with a knife. I had to take a couple breaks because it was making me CRY, CRY, CRY, sort of like how I cried four years ago when W was reelected. Once the crying stopped, my friend Katie called me from DC and the conversation went something like this:

Her: Hey.
Me: Hey. What are you doing?
Her: Oh, you know. I'm just standing in front of the White House. Staring.
Me: Yeah.
Her: The Metro was really quiet today.
Me: I'll bet.
Her: This sucks.
Me: Yeah. I'm gonna go back to sleep.
Her: OK.
Me: ...
Her: ...

It was a depressing day, is what I'm saying. Also, I live blogged the election last time. I might do it again this year. If I remember. Heidi, will you remind me? You know how my brain forgets things. It can be the "Jennie and Heidi live-blog the election show." We'll be famous. FAMOUSER. Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Onions. They were making me cry. And when Heidi came home, she was all, "holy lord, it smells like an onion exploded in here," and she was right. Even this morning it still smelled like onions, despite the fact that I ran through the apartment spraying Oust everywhere and lighting candles and opening windows. Damn, Gina.

Last night, I also did the 30 Day Shred video again and didn't want to die quite as much as I did the first time. And I'm not as sore today as I was before, so . . . yay. And then I watched like four episodes of Lost because did you know they show it on Sci-fi now? Awesome. It still doesn't make any sense, but that's why I love that show. Also, Matthew Fox is hot, even though Jack is really annoying. My favorite one that was on last night was the one where Hurley is in charge of the food, and he gives it all away in the end and it totally made me cry. Or maybe it was just the onion.

Dwight thinks it's Friday...so keep that going

I had this plan all worked out today, to use the time change to my advantage and miss work. See, I was going to SAY I came in at 7, which I thought was 8, and when I saw that no one was there, I assumed it was Sunday and went home. And THEN I was going to sleep in and call work around, say, 11? And tell them I thought it was Sunday THEREFORE, I'd be in whenever I goddamn well felt like it. I was informed that this was a bad plan, as my boss would think I was either A) a liar or B) really, really dumb and I think I'd get fired in either case.

Whatever, I slept the crap out of that extra hour, so I guess I got everything out of Daylight Savings Time that I'm going to. Hey! Guess what? I've decided I love NaBloPoMo. Not because I have to write some crap everyday, but because OTHER people have to write some crap every day. This means my Google Reader is never empty. Not that my Google Reader is EVER empty, but let's ignore that part.

OHMYGODYOUGUYS. Guess what tomorrow is! I'm not sure why I'm so excited about tomorrow, given my track record. Never have I ever voted for a winning president. It's enough to make a girl to vote for McCain tomorrow. That's crazy talk, of course. I'm trying not to be superstitious, but I can't help it. I'm afraid to be optimistic on account of, um, the past two presidential elections. I thought about voting early, but Heidi did and waited FOUR HOURS in order to vote. She's such a good citizen. I find it incredibly uplifting that so many people are voting early. In the end, I decided not to vote early because I like to vote on election day. MOSTLY so I can wear my "I Voted" sticker around all day like a big nerd. After the voting is all over, we're gathering at a bar to watch the results come in. My thoughts are, if Obama is winning, I'll need a celebratory drink and if McCain is winning, well . . . I'll just need to be drinking period. Sigh.

Moving on. Because I am incredibly open to suggestion, I purchased this, after I read about it on some blogs. People were all, "this is so hard!" and I was all, "that's what she said!" and then I bought it. And you guys? It is so hard. That's what she said. I did it on Saturday (that'swhatshesaid) and I am still sore (that'swhatshesaid). It's a good thing I bought it, though, because this is what I ate this weekend:

Cousin Vinny's Pizza
Sonic
Spaghetti Warehouse
Penn Station
Clancy's

We went to Clancy's last night for dinner, and Heidi ordered us some deep fried cheese. Because, see, they were out of deep fried pickles. And then I got some Buffalo Balls (boneless buffalo wings) with hot sauce, and they were pretty spicy so I had to wash them down with some Miller Lite. Then my tummy kind of hurt for the rest of the night. And that is why today I am not going to eat anything deep fried. Tomorrow, though, that depends on the election results. I may be drowning my sorrows in more than just a pitcher of beer.

Beatrice, Part 3

[Part 1, Part 2]

Bill and Beatrice finally reached the edge of town. The buildings started getting bigger and shinier. Beatrice couldn't believe how everything in the future sparkled with perfection. Every building she walked by, she slowed down to watch her reflection walk with her. It didn't occur to her until it was too late that she shouldn't be able to see her reflection if she was invisible. She couldn't see Bill, he must have invisibled himself, but she was there just as clear as day. While she watched, her reflection bumped into another little girl in the mirrored wall.

"Oh, hi!" the little girl said. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you."

"My fault!" exclaimed Beatrice. "I wasn't even looking. I was watching my reflection."

"Me too!" said the little girl. "What's your name?"

"Beatrice," said Beatrice. "But sometimes people call me Amelia."

"Oh," said the little girl. "My name is Hilary but people always call me Hilary."

"Then, I'll call you Georgina," said Beatrice.

"Um, OK," said Georgina. "Where are you going?"

"We're going to the London Eye," Beatrice said.

"We're? Who else is with you?" asked Georgina. Beatrice felt a nudge at her back and then remembered Bill was invisible.

"I'M going. I mean I'M going. I'm alone," she said.

"Smooth," she heard Bill whisper, only loud enough for her to hear.

"The London Eye, huh? I love the London Eye," said Georgina. "It's my favorite place in the world!"

"Me too!" exclaimed Beatrice. "Do you want to come with us?" There was that nudge again. "I mean, with me?"

"Sure!" yelled Georgina. "Do you mind if we pick up my little brother first?"

"Um, I suppose not," said Beatrice. "Where is he?"

"He's at daycamp, but my mum asked me to bring him home early," she said.

"OK, let's go, then," said Beatrice. "Wait a second . . ."

"Yes?"

"If your brother is by the London Eye, why were you walking the opposite direction?" asked Beatrice.

"Oh, that!" laughed Georgina. "I'm hopelessly lost, as usual." Beatrice laughed.

"Well, you can follow us," she said. "I mean me," she corrected, before the nudging started.

"What's your brother's name?" asked Beatrice.

"Bernard," said Georgina.

"Bernard . . . can I call him Bernie?"

"I suppose, but he won't like it."

"That's OK," said Beatrice.

Beatrice and Georgina walked side-by-side down the sidewalk. The sidewalk, much like the buildings, had a somewhat reflective sheen to it. Beatrice could make out a fuzzy-mirror Beatrice as she walked. She could feel Bill's bulk walking behind her, and even sensed the ground quaking a tiny bit with each of his footsteps. Georgina didn't notice the mini-earthquakes, or else attributed them to the huge trucks rumbling down the street. The trucks were all bright orange and said, "Quayfar" on the sides. Beatrice wanted to know what the trucks were carrying and where they were going, but was afraid to ask Georgina. She supposed it looked pretty obvious that she wasn't from the future. After all, she was wearing jeans, sneakers, and a Spongebob t-shirt, but maybe Georgina would think she was vintage. If she started asking obvious questions, though, she'd blow it. She might as well un-invisible Bill.

"Do you like dinosaurs?" asked Georgina. Beatrice almost twisted her head off with the speed she looked over at Georgina.

"What?" she answered. Play it cool, she thought.

"Well, if you like dinosaurs . . . "

"I don't like dinosaurs I don't even know any dinosaurs why would you think I like dinosaurs?"

"Um . . . I just thought you might like to go to the museum up here," said Georgina, a puzzled look on her face.

"OOOOHHHHH," said Beatrice, relief flooding her entire body. "The museeeeuuuuum, of course." She could tell Bill was rolling his eyes at her right now, but he should know how bad she is at lying. Luckily, she was good at covering for herself. Otherwise, her parents would know all about Bill and their time traveling adventures. As much as she enjoyed their trips, she didn't think her parents would be OK with her gallavanting all over time and creation with a purple-vested dinosaur.

"So, no museum?" Georgina asked.

"Well, maybe later," Beatrice said, trying to be breezy. "After all, we have to pick up your brother, right?"

"Oh, of course!" Georgina exclaimed. "How could I have forgotten? I'm always forgetting important things."

"Me too!" said Beatrice. "Once I forgot where I lived. I just wandered up and down the street, looking for our house, but I couldn't remember which one it was."

"What did you do?" asked Georgina.

"I had no choice! I had to go into each house, one by one, to see if that was where I lived," she explained.

"Did you find it?"

"Well, not before some crazy old lady called the police on me," said Beatrice. "I tell you, how rude is that? I tried to explain to her that I was simply looking for my bedroom and she just called me a hoodlum and called the police."

"That is rude!" said Georgina. "Why, how could she be scared of you? You're just a child!"

"Probably because I was carrying my cricket bat," said Beatrice.

"Oh."

"And she was in the bath at the time."

"Oh, dear," said Georgina. Her mouth stayed open in a horrified "oh."

"You don't know the half of it. Old lady in a bath? Gross," said Beatrice. "Also, I had to go to the police station and boy were my parents angry."

"Wow," said Georgina. "You're sort of crazy."

"You don't know the half of it," said Beatrice, and she heard Bill snort derisively behind her.

"Do you mind if I pop into this shop for moment?" asked Georgina. "I desperately need the loo."

"Oh, no problem," said Beatrice. "We'll just wait for you out here."

"We'll?" Georgina said with a smile.

"I mean, I'LL wait out here for you," corrected Beatrice. She really needed to work on her poker face.

Georgina opened the shop door with a jingle and stepped inside. Beatrice watched her walk through the aisles and approach the counter, speak to the shop owner, and walk away from the counter with a key, presumably for the restroom. Beatrice hopped from one foot to another, trying to contain her excitement. Not only was she going to see the London Eye, her most favorite thing in the entire world (except for her parents and Bill, of course, and a hoverboard, should she ever get one), but she'd made friends with a real-life person from the future.

"Psst," said a trashcan. "Psssst!"

"What's that?" Beatrice whispered. Usually trashcans didn't talk to her.

"It's me, you ninny," said the trashcan.

"Oh. Bill," Beatrice said. "What's up?"

"What's up? What's UP? What's UP is you've almost blown our cover SEVERAL times," Bill said.

"Oh, that," said Beatrice. "Really, what IS wrong with me? You'd think I'd never time traveled before."

"You may never time travel again after this," said Bill.

"Bill, don't be cross," said Beatrice. "I didn't mean to, and besides, she doesn't suspect a thing."

"I think we should leave. This is ridiculous," said Bill. "You're bound to slip up even worse at any moment."

"Thank you very much for that vote of confidence," said Beatrice. "But I want to stay. I just made a friend! From the future!"

"You already have a friend from the future and he wants to leave."

"Oh, Bill, you know you're not from the future, you're from the past," said Beatrice.

"Regardless. I have more experience with this sort of thing and I think we should go. Nothing good ever comes from fraternizing with people from the future. You'll only end up messing with their time or our time or God knows what else," explained Bill.

"Bill, I think you're overreacting," said Beatrice. "And anyway, it's too late, here she comes."

"Oh, poo," said Bill.

"Bill, watch your mouth," scolded Beatrice. "Oh, hi Georgina! How was the loo?"

"Perfectly acceptable, actually. Who is Bill?"

"Bill?"

"You were talking to someone named Bill?" asked Georgina.

"Oh, no, I was just talking to myself . . . wondering where I'd put my . . . my bills. You know, MONEY. For the Eye," explained Beatrice.

"Beatrice, that's ridiculous," said Georgina.

"What . . . I mean . . . what do you mean?"

"The London Eye is FREE, silly!" laughed Georgina.

"Oh, of course! I completely forgot," Beatrice chuckled. "Let's go, shall we?"

"We shall."