Monday, June 28, 2010

It was just like say yes to the dress except I didn't spend $5000 and I (surprisingly) didn't want to stab myself in the eye

I didn't mention to anyone other than Joe and Heidi and my mom (because it wasn't really a big deal) but there was some wedding dress drama last week. Drama is too strong a word, really, because it implies tears and yelling and rending of garments, and there was none of that. It was more like wedding dress meh. Like, the wedding dress I ordered months ago finally came in, I tried it on, looked in the mirror and thought, "huh...that looks like ass." Then I took it off, started looking up dresses online, and the next day we boxed it up and shipped it far, far away.

Which meant I had to go shopping. Like, non-online shopping. Because the wedding is definitely less than three months away, I couldn't procrastinate anymore which is a shame because procrastinating is what I do best. I went to a bunch of non-wedding stores looking for a formalish white dress and found NOTHING. I didn't even find anything to try on. I went TO THE MALL for no reason. I hate the mall.

I tried to comfort myself by going into the pet store because, you know, puppies, but it really just ended up making me sad because of puppy mills and the puppies lying in cages looking at me with their forlorn eyes. They had this little poofball puppy out roaming the store, and when I bent down to pet it I wondered what would happen if I just scooped it into my arms and made a break for it. But then it peed all over the floor so I real quick ran away because what if I got in trouble? I told Joe this later and he looked at me incredulously (like always) and was all, "Jennie. You are a GROWN UP" and I was like, "Shut up with your lies!"

Anyway. This is all leading me to my real point (huh?) which is that I had to go to a for real bridal store yesterday. I refuse to call it a boutique. Whatever. When I realized I'd have to go to one of these places, a great wave of despair washed over me, like I was being swarmed by dementors. Dementors wearing big poofy princessy dresses and they were smothering me with taffeta and crinoline and I CAN'T BREATHE GET THEM OFF ME.

Ahem. It was not, however, all that bad. And that's coming from someone who doesn't even like going regular shopping. Which is not to say it wasn't a strange experience.

Picking out dresses was easy enough, although I had a better time making fun of the ugly ones with Heidi. But when it was time to start trying stuff on, the bridal store lady (hereafter referred to as BL) was all, "OK, what size bra do you wear?" which is kind of a personal question considering we'd just met. I usually like to know someone at least twenty minutes before I give out that information. I gave her a funny look and she explained that they'd provide a strapless bra (that actually resembled a corset) so the dresses would look better. I honestly didn't think it'd matter since most of the dresses I'd picked out were the wrong size ANYWAY but who am I to argue with a professional?

So she gave me the bra and said, "Put that on and tell me when you're done. I'll come in to help you try on the dresses," and I was all, "say what now?" because I don't normally invite people in the dressing room with me. Apparently it's like a rule, though, so soon I was standing in the dressing room in my underwear and the most uncomfortable bra EVER while two women I'd just met maneuvered dress after dress over my head. It was actually kind of nice because I didn't have to do any thinking and if there's anything I hate more than trying on clothes, it's thinking. Or something. Never mind.

I tried on about eight million dresses (give or take a million) and decided to get the last one I'd tried on, mostly because I liked it but partly so I didn't have to try on any more dresses. And everyone who worked there was very nice, but I almost had to punch one of them in the babymaker after this happened:

BL: Which dress are you getting?
Me: The last one.
BL: Oh, good! I saw the sparkle in your eye when you tried it on.
Me [in my head]: STFU.

Instead I just physically backed my way out of the conversation and wandered over to my mom, sister, and Heidi, who were giggling over a hair accessory that looked like a UFO. They are totally my people.


  1. Is it wrong that I spent the second part of your post half reading and half trying to come up with what your Patronus should be to protect you from the bridal Dementors?

    I'm glad you found a dress! Sorry that someone had to mention eye-sparkling, though. I want to see pictures sometime (even if that means after the wedding :) ).

  2. OMG. I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out what my Patronus should be. Thank you. Hee.

  3. Yeah, bridal shops are the worst. Every time I go to one and ask (very nicely, mind you) if I can try on some dresses, the women just look at me like I'm insane. Every. Single. Time. So rude!

  4. See, Sir, this is why shopping online is the way to go. You can buy all the dresses you want and try them on in the comfort and privacy of your own home.

  5. Whenever I hear about people going shopping and having a bad time I get really sad, because I am so so good at it. I wish we knew each other IRL so I could offer up my talents to you as personal shopper, so you can worry about more important things for your wedding, like food and cake and drinkses. Stuff like that.

  6. Next time I get married, you are totally coming dress shopping with me.

  7. Abigail2:29 PM

    I love it when people dress me. That was like the only thing I loved about acting (well and also the compliments after the shows. I would show up at a certain time, and then just stand there while clothes got put on me, and makeup got put on me, and people just listened to be blather. Sigh, the good life.

  8. Poufy, princess Dementors aside, I am glad your experience wasn't horrible (like that Say Yes to the Dress show, which makes my brain melt - even though I watch it anyway!), and that you found something you actually liked.

  9. I went through the "normal" type of process of dress shopping for my first wedding and decided to go different for this one. I refused to wear one of those breath-reducing-apparatus thingies. I actually went braless for my wedding and felt AWESOME. I also went renaissance for my style so it was unique. Glad you found something w/o TOO much drama!

  10. I went through the "normal" type of process of dress shopping for my first wedding and decided to go different for this one. I refused to wear one of those breath-reducing-apparatus thingies. I actually went braless for my wedding and felt AWESOME. I also went renaissance for my style so it was unique. Glad you found something w/o TOO much drama!

  11. Glad you found your dress, and I hear you about stupid bridal shop ladies. In fact, whether I found a dress I liked or not at the bridal shop I eventually went with had no bearing on my decision. I picked that bridal shop solely because the woman was sweet, and honest, and would flat out be like "No, that looks like shit. Try this one instead." Other shops had "sparkle in your eye" lying jerk people that I couldn't stand so they could've had the best dress in the world and I wasn't going to buy it from them.