Monday, September 17, 2012

stealing from the greats, lebowski and otherwise

I started today in a great mood, especially for a Monday, on account of...I don't know, better diet, more exercise, all that nonsense, maybe? I was SINGING TO MYSELF on my walk into work, and yet I ended the day wandering the halls of the building muttering, "shit shit shit shit shit" under my breath.

Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, the bear eats you.  

In other words, so it goes.

(Please allow me to steal words from those far cleverer. Hell. Even if you DON'T allow it, it's too late, I already did. And so it goes and goes and goes.)

I feel like lately, I'm either in a "the-world-is-ending-and-I-don't-even-care" kind of mood or a "frolicking-through-the-hills-giving-Julie-Andrews-a-run-for-her-money" kind of mood, but not usually, like, in the same day. Or maybe I only feel that way because my body was raging with PMS-y hormones last week. Probably that.

Joe and I started a new diet a few weeks ago, though I hesitate to call it a diet because really we mostly just replaced all the junk food we were eating with real, actual food. And wouldn't you know it? I feel so much better!

Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes, well, you stop eating bear claws. BA-DUM-BUM.

What we're doing is technically called the Slow Carb Diet but I call it the Sad Diet because it involves cutting out everything I love, namely: bread and cheese. Except for one day a week. One day a week we get to eat whatever we want and it is magical and there's some science behind it involving your metabolism or some shit but I don't really care because all I know is, it means I can eat pizza on that day and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

The rest of the time, though, is filled with sadness because of the lack of carbs and sugar and dairy, which are like the three main only food groups in the USA, I'm pretty sure. 

Really, though, it's not that bad. I mean, it was for the first week, when my body was detoxing and screaming at me and giving me headaches every day and asking me why I wasn't feeding it delicious cheesy bread and I spent most of my days wondering if it would be acceptable to shut my office door and lie down on the floor, not because I was sleepy, necessarily, but because my body was so tired that it could NOT. SIT. UPRIGHT.

That passed, however, and now I feel FUCKING AWESOME. Like, it's ridiculous how much energy I have, even when I sleep like total and utter balls, which is often because of Max + Thunderstorms or Sleeping With The Window Open or MOST LIKELY because PHOEBE IS AN ASSHOLE WHO LIKES TO CLIMB ON MY PILLOW AT 4AM.

So it goes.

This is the first time in a great long while that I remember changing the way I eat and being focused on how much better I feel, NOT how much weight I'm losing. It's nice. Plus, if the bear is going to eat me, much like today, at least I'll be a healthier meal for him.


  1. OK, I can endure a lot of dietary bad-assery, but not to eat all of the cheeses all of the time seems like an awfully, horribly harsh idea. Goddam food scientists and their nonsense studies! I mean, who even thinks to study such a ridiculous hypothesis that cheese isn't the best thing to eat in the whole world?!?!


    Anyway... glad you're feeling good with a cleaner food plan on board. You deserve a purple heart medal for not eating cheese. :)

    1. I thought it would be really awful, like, when someone told me they were doing it, I was like, "I could never ever ever do that," but it turns out I can and it makes me feel better, which is great, but also sucks because cheese = awesome. CHEESE = SO AWESOME.

      Sigh. Hee.

  2. I have been doing slow carb off and on since last year (more off than on, unfortunately) and have lost a net of 44 lbs as of this morning. So, it works. But yeah, the part about not eating cheese and bread? Bums me out big time, despite those two foods apparently being responsible for the vast amount of my "intestinal distress." Ahem.

    1. Vahid, that's awesome! Not eating cheese and bread is definitely made better by feeling better. I also feel pretty much like garbage if I have too many carbs or too much dairy, so I sympathize. I still eat it, though, on cheat day. I eat THE SHIT OUT OF IT.