Monday, October 01, 2012

I know that things can really get rough when you go it alone.

Do you ever have a stretch of days where things just seem harder than usual? You're going about your day to day business, doing your day to day things, but each day seems a little bit harder than the day before. Sometimes I feel like I'm living the real life version of Groundhog Day. Get up, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work, wish for the day to go faster, go home, play with Max, eat dinner, watch some TV, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.

One of the benefits of our new diet is that Joe and I make breakfast every morning and eat together before we go to work. Usually this is a happy affair, because who doesn't love breakfast? But one day last week, I sat, dejected, and mindlessly shoveled eggs into my mouth around heavy sighs. Joe asked what was wrong but really...nothing was wrong. Not really. I was just tired. Tired of being a grown up. Tired of worrying about bills and working and the house and doctor's appointments and social engagements and whether or not Max took his flea medication or if Phoebe throwing up meant she just ate too fast or that there's something wrong with her or when I'm going to get my bridesmaid dress altered or if we'll have time to go to the grocery this weekend or GOD BRAIN JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.

Sometimes I wonder what my younger self would think about my current life. Would she just be excited that I have a dog and a fucking awesome book collection? Or would she be disappointed that I wasn't a marine biologist who, on the side, writes books about her pet penguins? I'm sure it'd be a mix of both. I know I have a great life and that wishing for more is, well, greedy but that's what we do, right? Wish for more? 

When I was younger, say, in junior high, maybe early high school, I used to get in trouble all the time for taking long showers. And not just on those frigid mornings when I couldn't bring myself to leave the cocoon of steam I'd created in the bathroom, door closed, shower curtain pasted to the edges of the tub, no cool air allowed. But pretty much every time I showered, there would be someone on the other side of the door, shouting for me to get out already.

But I was busy, really, because I was in the shower writing wishes in the warm condensation that formed on the tile walls. Like, literally writing things on the walls with my finger, things that would disappear almost immediately, but, like the total weirdo that I am, I'd stand there writing things until my fingers pruned. And not just normal (normal?) things like: Jennie + JTT 4EVA but actual wishes, things I wished for myself and my family and friends and the future. I don't remember if any of them ever come true. Honestly, I don't even remember what I used to wish for. That I'd make the honor roll, probably? Maybe a pet monkey? Unlimited book allowance?

This morning, it was fairly chilly in the bathroom since I'd forgotten to shut the window last night, and I took a longer shower than normal, lollygagging in the peaceful stream of water, tracing wishes on the tile wall, wishes that probably aren't all that different than those wishes made so many years ago. Which is fine. Maybe it's just not time for them to come true yet.

13 comments:

  1. We can totally make a pet monkey happen. Just say the word.

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    1. NO WAIT I WANT A TINY TEACUP PIG COME ON THEY ARE WAY CLEANER THAN MONKEYS!

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    2. Holy crap, I just looked up how much teacup pigs cost and they are really damn expensive. Thousands of dollars expensive.

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    3. We could probably just get a regular sized pig. Those are probably cheaper. Or we could steal one from a farm.

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  2. What a beautiful, bittersweet post. I just love the way you write words. (And you. I also love you.)

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    1. Thank you! I love the way YOU write words. I wish you wrote some new ones, like, once an hour.

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  3. Don't let your younger self weigh in too much about where you are now-- she doesn't know what the world will be like and what it took for you to get from there to here. Certainly keep pursuing your dreams and writing your wishes, but if you want to, give yourself permission to live a totally different life from the one you once wanted (and also it's cold where penguins are and also what if it turns out you get seasick on long marine biology journeys-- LAME). I mean, this is stuff you already know; I just mean it as a cheerleader-y, your-life-is-valid kind of way.

    Also, apropos of nothing, I watched a LOT of the ID channel (a.k.a. the murder channel) yesterday and there's a commercial for an episode of Deadly Affairs about a couple living their dream of opening a comic book store, until they hire a lady friend of theirs, and then once the man starts "playing superhero" with her, it all ends in murder, so of course I thought of you and Joe, hilariously? Ack, maybe?

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    1. Before I get completely sidetracked by your second paragraph, THANK YOU. It's true, I know that stuff, but I don't often think of it.

      But wait a second because...whaaaaaaaaat is this show Deadly Affairs, because I need to watch it.

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    2. OMG, do you have the ID Channel ("Investigation Discovery")? It's basically all true crime shows. Deadly Affairs is hilariously overdramatic and bad all around. I'm in love with it. Check your local listings and contact your cable provider to request it (heehee) if you don't already have that channel, because that stuff is solid gold. Or maybe I can just watch and do a dramatic reading of what happened.

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    3. I was thinking of checking for the ID Channel but I think it sounds way more fun to have you do a dramatic reading. Hee.

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  4. I love this post.

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