Do you ever have a stretch of days where things just seem harder than usual? You're going about your day to day business, doing your day to day things, but each day seems a little bit harder than the day before. Sometimes I feel like I'm living the real life version of Groundhog Day. Get up, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work, wish for the day to go faster, go home, play with Max, eat dinner, watch some TV, go to bed, lather, rinse, repeat.
One of the benefits of our new diet is that Joe and I make breakfast every morning and eat together before we go to work. Usually this is a happy affair, because who doesn't love breakfast? But one day last week, I sat, dejected, and mindlessly shoveled eggs into my mouth around heavy sighs. Joe asked what was wrong but really...nothing was wrong. Not really. I was just tired. Tired of being a grown up. Tired of worrying about bills and working and the house and doctor's appointments and social engagements and whether or not Max took his flea medication or if Phoebe throwing up meant she just ate too fast or that there's something wrong with her or when I'm going to get my bridesmaid dress altered or if we'll have time to go to the grocery this weekend or GOD BRAIN JUST SHUT UP ALREADY.
Sometimes I wonder what my younger self would think about my current life. Would she just be excited that I have a dog and a fucking awesome book collection? Or would she be disappointed that I wasn't a marine biologist who, on the side, writes books about her pet penguins? I'm sure it'd be a mix of both. I know I have a great life and that wishing for more is, well, greedy but that's what we do, right? Wish for more?
When I was younger, say, in junior high, maybe early high school, I
used to get in trouble all the time for taking long showers. And
not just on those frigid mornings when I couldn't bring myself to leave
the cocoon of steam I'd created in the bathroom, door closed, shower
curtain pasted to the edges of the tub, no cool air allowed. But pretty
much every time I showered, there would be someone on the other side of the door, shouting for me to get out already.
But I was busy, really, because I was in the shower writing wishes in the warm condensation that formed on the tile walls. Like, literally writing things on the walls with my finger, things that would disappear almost immediately, but, like the total weirdo that I am, I'd stand there writing things until my fingers pruned. And not just normal (normal?) things like: Jennie + JTT 4EVA but actual wishes, things I wished for myself and my family and friends and the future. I don't remember if any of them ever come true. Honestly, I don't even remember what I used to wish for. That I'd make the honor roll, probably? Maybe a pet monkey? Unlimited book allowance?
morning, it was fairly chilly in the bathroom since I'd forgotten to shut the window last night, and I took a longer
shower than normal, lollygagging in the peaceful stream of water,
tracing wishes on the tile wall, wishes that probably aren't all that different
than those wishes made so many years ago. Which is fine. Maybe it's just
not time for them to come true yet.