this post brought to you by TOO MUCH COFFEE

Whenever I'm watching TV or a movie, if one of the characters is lying in bed or waking up in bed or just anywhere near a bed, really, it makes me want to go to sleep. But not in my own bed, which is only half-assedly made most of the time (unless Joe does it) and is usually covered in all manner of dog and cat hair because our animals think that our stuff = their stuff, but in a TV-bed, a fluffy kingdom of sleepfoolery, full of giant pillows and a comforter I could bury myself in. The sheets are white and pure, like fresh snow but not cold like snow because what kind of weirdo wants to go to sleep in a pile of snow? Maybe vampires? Or Jack London, probably. But no one else.

Anyway, my point is, we got a new bed this weekend. We've been talking about getting a new one since we moved into the new place. And when I say we, I mostly mean me. And by me, I mean every time I had a shitty night of sleep WHICH IS ALMOST ALWAYS, I'd complain about how we needed a new bed frame. Because the one we had felt like it was going to collapse any time one of us moved. It got to the point where I'd cringe whenever Max jumped on the bed and he weighs like 5 pounds. Plus 25 more pounds. Whatever.

So this weekend we rented a truck and drove to IKEA to pick up a shitload of boxes that would soon become furniture. We got all the right ones this time. Did I tell you guys that when we bought our dining room table at IKEA we brought home two boxes and only one of them was the right one? True story. It was really disappointing. That didn't happen this time. Good story, Jennie, tell it again.

A couple of people have asked me how my Easter was and I have stared at each one of them, dumbfounded (which, to be fair, is my default reaction to human interaction most of the time). The closest we came to talking about Easter this weekend was when we drove by the resurrection-in-process Come Unto Me Jesus (formally Terminator Jesus AND formally Touchdown Jesus) on the way home from IKEA. This weekend was not so much about Easter for us as it was constructing a beautiful, happy place that looks like this:

I want to go to there.

Don't you want to sleep there? Well, you can't. SORRY.

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING CRAZY? (Note: it's not actually that crazy.) We put the bed together yesterday so last night was our first night to sleep in it. And even though Max did not jump on the bed at all like he normally does after we fall to sleep and therefore can't chase him off (choosing, instead, to curl up in a pile of dirty laundry), I still slept like crap! I'm blaming it on two things: 1) it was a Sunday night and I always sleep poorly on Sunday nights because of all the Monday-morning-dread and 2) I was playing Draw Something before I went to sleep and cracked myself up with the completely idiotic and inappropriate drawing I made for Joe. Then Phoebe threw up on the floor, right by my side of the bed, and I thought about ignoring it until the morning but then I pictured my foot coming down on a pile of cat barf in a middle-of-the-night bathroom trip and I decided to clean it up, which meant running downstairs then upstairs then downstairs then upstairs and by that time I was SO AWAKE so I tried to relax by repeating the following words to myself: GO TO SLEEP GO TO SLEEP IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT YOU NEED TO GO TO SLEEP YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY TALK TO PEOPLE AT WORK IN THE MORNING AND NOT JUST SIT AT YOUR DESK AND STARE AT A COMPUTER SO GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW. This didn't really help. PLUS. I'd plugged in a new cat pheromone diffuser for Phoebe, which made her extra friendly. This was cute but also troublesome because when she's extra friendly she usually tries to make a bed on my boobs at 3 AM which is not, as those with boobs can attest, all that comfortable for the human in the situation. 

Really what I'm saying is that you should play Draw Something with me I AM OBSESSED.

Also, complete sidenote: I've been meaning to talk about this but I keep forgetting. I'm participating in Pajiba's Cannonball Read IV, meaning I'm reviewing all (or most) of the books I've been reading, and they're not like my Goodreads reviews, which are like, "I liked this book, it was good," but actual reviews with more than one paragraph. And sometimes GIFs. Anyway, here's a link to my reviews, if you're interested. Or even if you're not interested, honestly. Also! Even if you don't read my reviews (and comment! I'm a whore for comments!), please read the Junior Cannonballer reviews because YOU GUYS they are written by kids who love to read, so please read and comment on those if nothing else BECAUSE HOW CUTE IS THAT? MY OVARIES EXPLODED, THAT'S HOW CUTE IT IS.

Um, right, so here are the junior reviewer links:

Bunnybean
Joemyjoe
The Grace Hurricane

The end.

DEAR INTERNET, this is relevant to your interests

Last night after work I drove down to where my old job was to meet some former coworkers for dinner. This is like the first time I've ever met former coworkers for anything. It's not because I hated all of my former coworkers or anything, not at all, it's just that I'm usually way too lazy to keep in touch with work people. Maybe I'm getting better at it in my old age WHO KNOWS.

What I do know is that my drive down to Cincinnati last night marked my first drive past the place of Touchdown Jesus's untimely demise (RIP). And I feel it is my duty (heh, DUTY) to inform you all that construction has begun on a new Jesus statue because OF COURSE IT HAS. New Jesus, or shall we call Him, Resurrection Jesus, right now consists of only part of a skeleton, but IT HAS BEGUN.

You may remember that last year Touchdown Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground, leaving only the charred remains of his skeleton behind. You may also remember it as the BEST! DAY! EVER!, especially if you lived in Ohio at the time. It felt like Christmas. Which...if you really think about what I just said, you'll realize it's all kinds of wrong so maybe just don't think about it, OK? OK.

Whatever, they're rebuilding it and they're probably building it out of less flammable material this time (I mean, they have to be, right?) so but, you guys. They are ASKING for jokes. Because you wanna know why?

They're calling New Jesus...

wait for it...

Come Unto Me Jesus.

COME UNTO ME JESUS.

That is all.

No comment.

No, seriously, I'm not touching this one.

I feel like Chandler that time he promised not to make fun of anyone. HORNSWOGGLE.

YOU GUYS

Touchdown Jesus was struck by lightning! And burned down! HE'S GONE!

I heard it on the radio on my way into work and drove by a few minutes later. It is nothing but a charred husk of what once was. So sad. Of course, right after I drove by, I immediately called Joe. Obviously.

Joe: Hello?
Me: Hiiiiii.
Joe: Did you see it?!
Me: YES.
Joe: Holy shit.
Me: What happened?
Joe: They think it was struck by lightning.
Me: Oh my god. It looks so weird. It's just like a black headless skeleton now.
Joe: Creepy.
Me: He is risen!
Joe: He is now seated at the right hand of the father.
Me: Do you think they'll rebuild it?
Joe: Better, stronger, faster than he once was?
Me: Haha, yes.
Joe: I don't know.
Me: Hahahaha, wait, no...do you think they'll RESURRECT him?
Joe: Oh, Lord.