Oh, believe me, no one would suspect your manners to be rehearsed.

It is a truth universally acknowledged (hahahaha, OK, I'll stop), that I often say things I probably shouldn't. At least not in public. Or in front of anyone who doesn't know me pretty well. Saturday night I made an abortion joke that I'm not particularly proud of, but mostly just because it wasn't MY joke. I stole it from the Internets. And, I mean, people laughed but first they were like, " . . . ooooooooh." And, you know, last night, as Heidi and I got in her car to go to the gym, there was this exchange:

Me: Ahhhh, it's so cold.
Heidi: I know.
Me: I'm going to use my towel for warmth.
Heidi: Haha.
Me: I'll just cover my legs up like FDR.
Heidi: OH MY GOD.
Me: What?
Heidi: Hahaha, you're all, "I'll cover my legs up like a cripple."
Me: Not a cripple. FDR.
Heidi: Um.

I don't mean anything by it. Not really. Someone has to say something inappropriate and it might as well be me. Like, for instance, do you ever eat asparagus and then forget you ate asparagus and then the first time you go to the bathroom, there's this brief, terrifying moment where you think something is terribly, terribly wrong? No? Just me? OK, then, glad I shared.

I have good news for people within earshot, though.

Me: I hate this fax machine so hard.
Coworker: Oh my gosh, you're losing your voice.
Me: Um, yeah, I guess.
Coworker: Your voice kind of cracked and faded out there.
Me: Nah, I'm just going through puberty.
Coworker: What'd you say?

Too bad for the rest of you. I can still type SPEEDY QUICK. Mwahaha!

I don't know.

_____

Today on The Collective, Kat tells why you should like water (and therefore BOOZE).

story of my life

After work, I went to Jiffy Lube because my car needed an oil change. Duh. It's not like I go hang out at Jiffy Lube just for the hell of it. And you know, their name is right on, because they lubed my car SO FAST. True story.

Anyway, when I got home, I checked the mail like always and as I was flipping through all the crap, I noticed a little postcard that said "$15 OFF" and underneath it said "SIGNATURE OIL CHANGE," and I was all WTF, why does God hate me?