Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Oh, believe me, no one would suspect your manners to be rehearsed.

It is a truth universally acknowledged (hahahaha, OK, I'll stop), that I often say things I probably shouldn't. At least not in public. Or in front of anyone who doesn't know me pretty well. Saturday night I made an abortion joke that I'm not particularly proud of, but mostly just because it wasn't MY joke. I stole it from the Internets. And, I mean, people laughed but first they were like, " . . . ooooooooh." And, you know, last night, as Heidi and I got in her car to go to the gym, there was this exchange:

Me: Ahhhh, it's so cold.
Heidi: I know.
Me: I'm going to use my towel for warmth.
Heidi: Haha.
Me: I'll just cover my legs up like FDR.
Heidi: OH MY GOD.
Me: What?
Heidi: Hahaha, you're all, "I'll cover my legs up like a cripple."
Me: Not a cripple. FDR.
Heidi: Um.

I don't mean anything by it. Not really. Someone has to say something inappropriate and it might as well be me. Like, for instance, do you ever eat asparagus and then forget you ate asparagus and then the first time you go to the bathroom, there's this brief, terrifying moment where you think something is terribly, terribly wrong? No? Just me? OK, then, glad I shared.

I have good news for people within earshot, though.

Me: I hate this fax machine so hard.
Coworker: Oh my gosh, you're losing your voice.
Me: Um, yeah, I guess.
Coworker: Your voice kind of cracked and faded out there.
Me: Nah, I'm just going through puberty.
Coworker: What'd you say?

Too bad for the rest of you. I can still type SPEEDY QUICK. Mwahaha!

I don't know.


Today on The Collective, Kat tells why you should like water (and therefore BOOZE).


  1. whatever, it's a good abortion joke.

  2. Dude, that coworker is totally dumb if he found that puberty joke too racy or strange-- puberty is a very tame topic. I talk about it pretty much every time I send a fax.

  3. I wonder if I told the abortion joke at work, they'd let me go home.

  4. what are you talking about? abortion jokes always KILL!

  5. At a summer internship/work program thingy about 4-5 years ago, lengli and a couple of the other guys who worked there spent a good 6+ weeks looking up dead baby jokes. No one got fired. Most people laughed. Guess it all depends on the crowd.

  6. Abortion jokes are the best.