Of the people in this room, which one is A) wearing a spangly outfit and B) not of use?

Everyone wishes they were a superhero, right? That's a thing, isn't it? Or that they could do, like, magic? Like Harry Potter? Or better yet, magic like all-around badass Hermione Granger, because if you're going to do magic, you might as well do it like THE BEST WITCH OF HER AGE.



But magic requires practice and talent and really I'd prefer that these superhuman powers were just given to me so I don't have to do any real work. Yeah, yeah, I know that having superpowers often comes with a shitload of personal problems (with great power comes great responsibility, GOD I KNOW, UNCLE BEN, YOU KILLJOY), but I think the trade off is worth it. Though, I'm probably just saying that because if I had superpowers, I most likely wouldn't use them to better the world at all. I mean, I could sit here and tell you all that I'd immediately get a cape and some tights and start trying to save the world, but I think we all know that I'd only use my powers for personal gain. Which...I guess means I might be a supervillian? Oops.

What if we all got to pick a superpower once we reached a certain age? Like, CONGRATULATIONS, you turned 16, here's a car and THE POWER OF FLIGHT. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE. I mean, I guess they wouldn't really be superpowers at that point, they'd just be normalpowers, which means there wouldn't be superheroes or supervillians, just heroes and villians, which sounds kind of boring so never mind. Only I get the powers. But if I could pick a superpower (or five, because lists make everything better), here are the ones I'd choose:

1. Flight (DUH)

THIS REQUIRES NO EXPLANATION.

2. Super!Brain

So I can be smarter than everyone, obviously, and plan all my Super!Plans. I assume that having superpowers is hell on a normal brain, so hopefully I'll be more equipped to deal with all of that if I have a Super!Brain.

3. Invisibility

So I can easily rob banks and stuffs. For money. For my Super!Plans.

4. Speedy Quickness

Because I might need to RUN SO FAST after I rob the banks and stuffs. Though. I can already fly, but we can assume the speedy quickness applies to flight as well as running, right? Yes. Let's definitely assume.

5. Invincibility (Confusing, right, because it sounds and looks like #3 up there? BUT THEY ARE DIFFERENT OK LEARN TO READ.)

Because what the hell is even the point of having superpowers if someone can just stab you and it's all OOPS WHERE'D YOUR BLOOD GO oh wait, you're dead. Obviously, the only way to protect your superpowered self is to be totally invincible so some stupid jerk can't come along and kill you dead like the rest of these puny mortals.



SO ANYWAY. I think we can all agree that if I did have any or all of these powers, I'd be NIGH UNSTOPPABLE, provided I ever worked up the motivation to stop watching Buffy reruns long enough to take over the world. I guess you're all safe.

FOR NOW.

the world has turned and left me here

When I woke up this morning, my old friend Figment was sitting on the sofa. He was chomping on a bowl of Cheerios (bowl and all) and holding this picture:



I walked back into my bedroom, pinched myself to make sure it hurt, and went back to the living room. Figment was still there.

"Jennie," he said. "This picture you drew of me hardly does me justice."

"Sorry, I'm not much of an artist," I said.

"And I read your blog. Well, some of it. Then I got bored and went to TWoP," he confessed.

"Awesome."

"When did you start spelling your name with an "ie" at the end?" he asked.

"Fourth grade?"

"Why?"

"Because there were fifteen other Jennys in my class and I wanted to be different," I answered.

"Fifteen, huh? I see you haven't stopped exaggerating," he placed his cereal bowl (the half that was left) on the ottoman, where it leaked milk all over the fabric. I started to object, but then I remembered that time Phoebe threw up on the ottoman and decided milk couldn't really hurt it.

"So, Figment," I began. "Whatcha doing here?"

"Well, Jenny," I don't know how he managed to pronounce my name with a Y, but he did it. "I've got the old Rocketship (duh) outside and wondered if you wanted to go somewhere."

"But I have to go to work," I said.

"Why?"

"For . . . money."

"Why?"

"Um. For stuff?"

"Stuff? Where we're going we don't need stuff," he exclaimed, jumping up and knocking the ottoman, along with the half-bowl, over. Great, I thought. Now there's milk all over the carpet. Then I remembered that time Phoebe threw up on the carpet and decided milk couldn't really hurt it.

"OK," I said. "Let me call into work and we can go."

"Great. We'll just have to pack some stuff first," he said.

"But you said we wouldn't need stuff!"

"That was just for dramatic effect," he said, waving his hand at me. He lumbered to my room, pulled out a suitcase, and started throwing my clothes inside.

"Can you at least fold that?" I asked.

"Geez, when did you get so uptight?"

"Bite me," I said. "Where are we going anyway?"

"Um, it's a Rocketship (duh). We're going to space. The final frontier."

"Still a Star Trek fan, I see."

"Well, it's really the only show I can get in my Dragon Lair," he said.

"I see. If we're going to space, don't forget my ET shirt."

"Already packed," he said and slammed the suitcase closed. "Let's go."

"Can I pee first?" I asked.

"No time," he said.

"But--"

"Calm down, there's a bathroom on the Rocketship. Duh."