"I lost Ed Truck and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears."

This post contains spoilers for The Good Wife, How I Met Your Mother, The New Girl, and Hannibal. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. If you get spoiled and get mad about it, take it up with this guy:

If this doesn't scare the shit out of you, you're not watching Hannibal and you must remedy that immediately.

You guys. I'm having a problem. TV is betraying me and I'm not sure I can take part in it anymore. The TV. None of it. It's gotten so bad that I've taken refuge in old episodes of America's Next Top Model, over twelve seasons of which is on Hulu Plus, which is yet an other reason I should cancel both our Hulu and Netflix accounts because I'd get SO MUCH DONE. But we already got rid of cable, so I suppose Hulu and Netflix are acceptable vices. It's healthier than binge drinking, probably. I don't know. I'm not a scientist.

When I was in college, there came a point in my classes where I was reading the following three books at the same time: Moby Dick (for a class on transcendentalism), Hamlet (for my Brit Lit class), and Crime and Punishment (for Russian Lit). These are all...dark, depressing works, so much so that reading the three at one time began to affect my mood. That's how I feel about my favorite TV shows lately. Watching TV hasn't been the joy of all joys that it should be, and it's making me want to stop watching TV FULL STOP because why am I even watching TV if not to enjoy myself?

1. The Good Wife

I've already written about this but it's still SO DEPRESSING. Will Gardner died two episodes ago, and in the latest episode, we got to watch everyone hear the news and cry a lot. FUN. I mean, it was very well done but if the rest of the season is going to be like this, I don't really want to watch it. I wish regular TV shows would stop going all Game of Thrones on their characters.

GOOD BECAUSE IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT I NEED ONE

2. HIMYM

UGH. About 20 minutes into the finale, I realized I probably wasn't going to like how it ended. The internet has been speculating for months that A) the Mother is dead and B) Ted's going to end up with Robin anyway, even after realizing he wasn't the guy who was in love with her anymore and after both he and Robin had grown so much. I admired the time and thought put into the theories but brushed them off (much like I did when someone posited that Will might die on The Good Wife), because why would they do that? After all this time? After making us sit through that horrible scene where Robin freaking FLOATS AWAY ON THE WINDS OF UNREQUITED LOVE:

Seriously, what?

In the end, however, that's exactly the path the creators took, because that's the one they'd planned at the beginning of the show. And it was terrible and I hated it. Some clever person, however, cut together a new ending, one that will wash away (a bit) of the foul taste the finale may have left in your mouth.


3. The New Girl

Look, I haven't even watched the episode where Nick and Jess break up because A) it happened right after Will Gardner died and B) I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE IT. NO DON'T MAKE ME.

Me too, Jess.

4. Hannibal

Bev died. Bev! I loved Bev! And she died in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad way!

I screamed.

Sigh. I mean. I know I shouldn't get attached to people on this show. Everyone is going to die and be made into a fancy pies and Hannibal is going to eat it and maybe throw out some food-related puns and we'll all cringe-laugh into our wine, wondering why we continue to watch these shows when all they do is break our damn fool hearts.

THE END

PS: But don't worry, you can wash your tears away with Captain America: Winter Soldier because it was AWESOME. Seriously. It was this good:

The story was good, too, if you're into that sort of thing.

this contains spoilers for: The Good Wife, Downton Abbey, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones and other shows that are so old I've decided they don't need spoiler warnings

I haven’t posted in almost two months and, of course, the thing that brings me back is TV feels. Last night’s episode of The Good Wife ripped out my heart and threw it on the ground and stomped on it with cleats and then scooped it up and threw it into a blender. THINGS ARE NOT OK.

Do any of you even watch that show? I hesitated at first, because it’s on CBS and it seemed like a total mom show (and maybe it is, because most of the moms I know watch it), but it’s actually really, really good. I KNOW. It shouldn’t be that surprising, really. It’s filled to the brim with talent: Julianna Margulies, Christine Baranski, Nathan Lane, Alan Cumming, and, until last night, Josh Charles.

Because last night The Good Wife lost its damn fool mind and killed off Will Gardner.

I have two major problems with this (well, three, if you count the fact that I don’t get to see Josh Charles on my TV every week):

1. The Good Wife is not Grey’s Anatomy. Killing off your male lead? OK, I guess, if you absolutely must, but in a courtroom shooting? Really? 

2. No more Willicia. A major driving force of the show was the will-they-won’t-they thing between Alicia and Will (and whether or not she’d ever leave her dumb husband for him). So. Guess that’s over, unless Will comes back as a walker.

Earlier this week, my friend, Nancy, who keeps tabs on these things, brought to my attention that Josh Charles hadn’t yet signed his contract for next season. We briefly considered the idea that they might kill him off, but dismissed it for the above reasons. Because why would they do that? I’ve seen articles calling this a brave move and, yeah, I guess it is, but was it smart? I’m sure the show will continue to be well-written and well-acted. It will probably bring out some really fantastic acting from the other leads. But I can’t imagine I’ll enjoy it the way I used to. I told Nancy that I would stop watching the show if they killed Will. I still have that inclination, but am also curious to see how the rest of the season plays out. So I’ll watch, but I doubt my heart will be in it (except for the part of my heart that is HORRIBLY BROKEN BEYOND ALL REPAIR).

I don’t remember being this upset about a character’s death since I don’t know when. Which is a total lie, because I REMEMBER THEM ALL. And here they are, in order of feels:

Sybil, childbirth (Downton Abbey)

I was spoiled for this and it was still hard to watch. The show killing off the most likeable of the sisters was shocking enough but was especially nutso when you consider what happened later that season, which leads me to...

Honorable mention: Matthew Crawley, car accident. I was also spoiled for this but, even as I watched, was hoping I'd read it wrong? I read an article last night that compared Will’s death’s to the move they made with Matthew on Downton Abbey and couldn’t help but think, “oh, fantastic, that’s when I lost all interest in the show.”

Billy, brain tumor (Ally McBeal) 

I know, right? What? Ally McBeal? I don't remember a whole lot about this, other than it was really sudden and shocking because this was before the internet spoiled everything.

Melissa Scully, gunshot wound (The X-Files)

This was mostly sad because it made Scully cry a lot and Scully crying is the saddest thing ever.

Honorable Mention(s): Mulder, buried alive in the desert. And Mulder, gunshot wound to the head. And Mulder, alien...stuff.

Hank, shot in the desert (Breaking Bad)

I'M STILL UPSET ABOUT THIS.

The Red Wedding, EVERYBODY STAB NOW (Game of Thrones)

No, I HAVEN’T read the books, thanks for asking, and yes, I reacted exactly like these people did:

Boone, airplane crash, but not THAT airplane crash (Lost)

I wasn't all that attached to Boone, but this was the first main character death and the moment we learned this show wasn't playing around re: killing off favorites.

Honorable Mention: Sun/Jin, drownded (WHY BOTH WHYYY)

Honorable Mention #2: Charlie, also drownded (NO SERIOUSLY WHYYYYY)


Lucy Knight, stabbed (ER)

ER was one of the first shows I really, really loved, and so Lucy’s death was the first time I realized a show could break my heart.

Joyce Summers, Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

This one was just mean. Just...I hate you, Joss Whedon.

Honorable mention: Anya, killed as an afterthought, RIP.

Mrs. Landingham, car accident (The West Wing)

I don’t want to talk about this anymore.


Anyway, RIP Will Gardner.

At least Dan is still alive.

this post has no point but I had fun writing it and isn't that all that matters?

They say everyone has a super power (I mean, right? Someone says that, I'm sure.) and if that's true, mine is...I don't even know what to call it. I'm...really good at recognizing voiceover actors in commercials (or whatever)? (Or whatever...what a great origin story.) Anyway. I identified John Krasinski as the Esurance guy in about two seconds and it wasn't JUST because I used to spend all of my free time watching The Office.

It's not just that, though. Sometimes I can recognize an actor or actress from just seeing them for a split second, even if they're not all that famous and the part they're playing is miniscule at best. (For instance, Cary from The Good Wife is in an episode of Freaks & Geeks for, like, 30 seconds. I'm not sure he even has a name. He is SUPER young. But I totally got him. YOU HEAR ME, HE'S MINE, I GOT HIM.)

In these days of constant internet access, my superpower is kind of moot. But even back before I had an IMDb app on my phone, I could identify an actor and rattle off a list of other shows or movies they'd been in. It was like I had IMDb in my head. I AM IMDb! My friends would be all, "Who is that?" and I'd be like, "Joshua Jackson," and they'd be like, "what do I know him from?" and I'd say, "Dawson's Creek?" and they'd say, "no," and I'd be like, "Urban Legend?" and they'd be like, "whaaa?" and I'd be like, "Mighty Ducks?" and they'd be like, "OH YEAH." (This is a terrible example, everyone knows who Joshua Jackson is, PACEY 4EVA!!!)

I am the Rainman of pop culture. If people are talking about a movie and they can't think of the name, I'm there. If you can't remember the name of the guy who pushed Spike off of the giant tower in Buffy's The Gift, I can tell you it's Joel Grey, who also played the Wizard in Wicked on Broadway. Most recently, it was recognizing Henry Francis (Betty's new husband on Mad Men) on an episode of The X-Files just by his voice. YOU GUYS I FREAK MYSELF OUT SOMETIMES NO JOKE.

But my greatest act of pop culture genius happened the other night (or like...a month ago...I started this post a long time ago, apparently) and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to top it. It came, surprisingly enough, as a result of watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In the episode, they were playing charades or something and Charlie (MY SOULMATE) started with this:





And almost immediately upon him starting the thing with his nose, I shouted, "WHAT'S EATING GILBERT GRAPE," and then Joe LOST HIS SHIT when it turned out that's exactly what Charlie was doing. What can I say? It's a gift. And I promise to use my powers for good, at least most of the time.

I don't even know, you guys.

I have this really important project going on right now, which is partly why I haven't written in a while (lies) and that project is: rewatching all the TV shows I loved in high school. So far this project includes: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (DONE), Alias (in progress), Six Feet Under (in progress), and my first love, the TV show that sparked my obsession for so many other shows, The X-Files.

Solid project.

I'm almost through the end of Season 7 and I'm a bit worried that I'll stall out in Season 8, otherwise known as "the season David Duchovny gave up on aliens." My recollections of Seasons 8 and 9 are fuzzy at best, since I think by that point I was only tuning in to fast-forward to any parts where Scully got angsty about Mulder being gone, or any episodes that I knew Mulder would be in which, if I'm remembering correctly, were not very many?

I had even forgotten a lot of stuff about Season 7, which, for someone who used to keep an X-Files scrapbook of every X-Files-related article or picture she found in a magazine/TV Guide/printed-from-the-early-days-of-the-internets, is a big deal. I still have most episode titles memorized. I can still spout all manner of trivia about the series, the factoids plucked from deep recesses of my brain even after I thought I'd forgotten everything. And I still remember almost everything about Seasons 1 - 5, probably because those were the episodes I watched over and over, having taped them all and carefully labeled each VHS before storing them (in order) in a huge plastic bin under my bed. I can't believe how easy watching TV is now. AllI have to do is click a button! Back then you really had to work for it. There was no pausing the show if you had to pee really bad or if you wanted a snack, you had to wait for a commercial. If you taped something and it got messed up, you had to scour the TV Guide to see when it was going to be on again and sometimes you had to wait MONTHS. THINGS ARE SO MAGICAL NOW, YOU GUYS, LET'S CELEBRATE BY WATCHING TV ALL WEEKEND!

My favorite part about rewatching The X-Files is how different my perspective is as an adult ("adult"). Back when I first watched the show, I was obsessed with proving that Mulder and Scully were in love and wanted to have a million babies with each other. OBSESSED. There was this whole other internet world at the time, a world housed in AOL chatrooms and message boards, a world of Shippers and NoRoMos (no romance), where it was very, very important to choose a side and defend that side until you, I don't know, DIED. No, wait, actually that internet doesn't sound much different than today's internet.

Upon rewatch, though, it just doesn't seem as important. Not because I don't care or anything, PERISH THE THOUGHT. But maybe because I already know they end up together (um, spoiler alert?) or maybe because, DUH, it's so obvious that they're in love.

Nature cuddling.

Anyway, that's not what I came here to talk about. No, this is much more important. I was watching a late Season 7 episode last night, Hollywood A.D., which some of you (one of you?) may remember was written and directed by David Duchovny. He also wrote and directed The Unnatural, which starred Jesse L. Martin (DREAMY) as an alien who just wanted to play baseball. This was also the episode where David Duchovny firmly placed himself in the Shipper Camp.

Just normal coworker stuff.

I found myself wondering about the timing of Hollywood A.D., as there is a 16 month timejump at one point, and how it fit into the timeline of all things, the episode that aired two weeks before Hollywood A.D., an episode written and directed by Gillian Anderson in which it's heavily implied that Mulder and Scully finally do sex. (Oh, hey, also? If you want to start a war between Shippers and NoRoMos on AOL X-Files message boards, just heavily imply something like that.)

Anyway again, that's not what I came here to talk about. As I was watching Hollywood A.D., there is a bit where Scully is with the para-scientist (or something), and they're trying to hear music/sounds from a really old bowl (doesn't matter, just go with it). At one point, Scully tells him something that BLOWS HIS MIND and he says, "bazinga." He totally does. I KNOW.

Now, I don't watch The Big Bang Theory, though I don't harbor the animosity toward it that others (JOE) do, but it's a popular enough show that I'm familiar with the catchphrase "bazinga." I did some Googling (obviously) and I'm not the first to have noticed this, but as far as I can tell, no one from TBBT has addressed the connection. I didn't dig too deep, really, because...well...I don't care that much, but I do like the idea of Sheldon getting it from The X-Files because he's an X-Phile (BAM). Kind of like Xander from Buffy exclaiming, "Shpadoinkle!" (it happened at the end of Season 5, I just can't find video) because apparently he's a big Matt Stone and Trey Parker fan.

So anyway, clearly I watch too much TV. Next time we can talk about Six Feet Under and Can't Hardly Wait, which are more connected than one might think. GET EXCITED.

"Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There's such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown."

I don't know if you guys have heard, but The Office is ending tonight. I haven’t seen anything on the internet about it, so I wanted to make sure you all knew.

I have mixed feelings about the show ending. I'm having feelings all over the place, really, as I sit here eating lunch at my sad desk in my drab office (womp womp). Part of me is happy that the show is being put out of its misery, though this past season has been pretty damn fun, Pam and Jim drama aside because THAT SHIT WAS STRESSFUL. But most of me is like, "NO MY FRIENDS WHERE ARE YOU GOING I'M GOING TO MISS YOU SO MUCH NOOOOOOOOO."

It is a truth universally acknowledged (on this blog) that I get far too attached to fictional characters. So when my favorite TV shows end, I tend to feel things a little too much. Sometimes I think I feel more deeply for fictional happenings than I do for most things that happen in my actual life but that is a (far longer) post for a different day. Long story short (heh), I'm Abed, basically, only not as skinny or Y-chromosomey.



Anyway. Long-time readers may remember my fascination obsession with The Office. It began as so many love affairs do. There was a chance meeting on a random Thursday night and our instant connection turned into a deep affection that lasted years. I was in love from Season 1. I bought it on DVD and made Heidi watch it so I'd have someone else to talk about it with, not having yet found anyone IRL who loved the show as much as I did.

The most important part of the show at that time, for my perpetually-single (or-embroiled-in-unrequited-love) self was the relationship between Pam and Jim. I, like so many others, was deeply invested in whether Pam and Jim would ever end up together. So when they did, it gave me hope, it really did, that things would eventually work out for me, too. (I told you I put far too much investment in fictional relationships.)

I mentioned on Tumblr that last week's episode of The Office, especially that moment when Jim gave Pam the letter he'd written her so many years ago, gave me a lot of feelings. Sometimes it feels like I grew up with Jim and Pam. Not the growing up you do when you, like, go through puberty or whatever, but the growing up you’re forced into when you leave home, get your first job, and have to learn how to do things like pay bills on time and navigate the complicated relationships that come with adulthood . When the show started, I had just moved out of my parents' house, I was working at my first "real" job, but I was still a kid. I don't always feel like an adult now but, like Pam and Jim, I've grown up a lot (sometimes more than I'd like).

When Pam and Jim got married, Joe and I had been together for a little over a year. We watched that episode separately, as we weren't yet living together, but talked on the phone immediately after. We were both emotional, having, I suppose, both identified with Jim and/or Pam at more than one point in our lives. We weren't engaged yet (though we would be two months later) but I knew at some point Joe and I would get married. I’d known for a while. Jim and Pam were just paving the way for us.



We haven't yet followed Pam and Jim to Kid-Land (that place is terrifying) but who knows what the future holds? Pam and Jim made marriage less scary (until this season, geez) so maybe they can do the same for having kids. Only time will tell, I suppose.

Though I lost interest the last couple of seasons, I never really stopped caring about The Office. I kept up with it, even after at least two episodes that should have ended the series (Pam and Jim getting married and Michael Scott leaving). Though the quality went downhill, and I wished more than once for the show's demise, I'm sad to see it go. I'm going to miss my standing Thursday night date with my friends at Dunder-Mifflin and I'm glad I stuck around for Jim and Pam’s journey, even through random Baby #2 (what is that kid’s name?) and Brian the Book Mike Guy. I guess what I’m saying is, I'd follow Jim and Pam anywhere, even if it's to say good-bye. And it's going to be really, really hard.

Also, Joe doesn't believe me, but "khaleesi" is really fun to say. Khaleesi khaleesi khaleesi.

Every morning, I get to work and make myself a To Do list for the day. Or I make it the night before. Or I have stuff leftover from the previous day and THAT'S my To Do list. IT DOESN'T MATTER, my point is, I always have a To Do list of stuff. Just always.

After spending the morning doing everything BUT things actually on my list, I looked at my sad little uncrossed-off list and started adding things I'd already done just so I could cross stuff off. I wish I could tell you that this doesn't happen often but I'm trying not to be such a liar because Joe doesn't like it when I tell him stuff like, I don't know, that I speak Urdu, which is the lie I told him BEFORE WE EVEN MET because Natalie Portman taught me that lying is adorable.

I guess my point is that I don't have one, I just haven't written anything in YEARS and so this is me. Writing stuff. And throwing it all over the internet. Hi, Internet!

So here's something you may not know about, I don't know, LIFE. It turns out that if you spend all of Sunday watching Game of Thrones, the weekend goes really, really quickly. Also, here is some advice. If you're at the store because you tried to rent movies but you've A) seen all the good ones or B) don't feel like delving into the insanity that is Tree of Life on a Saturday night, and you decide instead that what you'd really rather watch is Game of Thrones so you stop getting spoiled about everything and finally figure out what the deal is with this Joffrey puke, but the library never has Game of Thrones in because everyone else wants to watch it, too, and the video store (Sidebar: Why do you call it the video store when they no longer have videos? Discuss.) never has it either or they have every disc BUT THE FIRST ONE so, yeah, obviously your only option is to buy it but when you get to the store, they only have the blu-ray version which is way more expensive (probably?), so you decide to be responsible and only get the first season instead of seasons one AND two, and I'm just here to tell you, go ahead and buy the second season while you're there, screw responsible, because what's going to happen is you'll spend Saturday night and Sunday morning watching the first season and then you'll realize you're going to run out of show before you run out of Sunday, so your husband is going to have to go out and buy the second season while you sit and fret about whether the store will still have it and so, to make yourself feel better, you sing the song you made up about Game of Thrones that goes (to the tune of the Lord of the Rings music): Game. Of. Thrones. It's the game, it's the game, it's the game, it's the game. It's the Game. Of. Thrones.

Which is a TERRIBLE song, way worse than the Doctor Who song you made up that just goes: Doctor Whoooooooooooooooo, Doctor Whoooooooooooooo, Doctor Who, Doctor Who... and so on.

So I guess my point is, now we're watching Game of Thrones, which is really cutting into my rewatching The X-Files project, but I will make that sacrifice because KHALEESI'S GOT DRAGONS Y'ALL!

Sorry, nobody down here but the FBI's most unwanted.

I’ve been rewatching The X-Files like it’s a project, because calling it a project means I’m not wasting time watching TV, I’m DOING SOMETHING. I’ve been sort of cheating (at least it FEELS like cheating, in my head, because my head plays by arbitrary rules) by skipping episodes that I really, really don’t want to watch. I used to watch this show over and over again, though, when I was a kid, so I feel OK skipping some of them. SO IT’S NOT CHEATING BACK OFF.

I spent the majority of my teenhood watching this show, so it feels quite strange to be watching it all again now, from an adult’s perspective. Well. “Adult.” Weird things are making me cry much more than they ever did before. And, of course, there’s the Mulder/Scully romance thing.

It should surprise no one that I was a Mulder/Scully shipper, because I’m an EVERYONE/EVERYONE shipper. Mulder and Scully were the ship that launched a thousand ships, the epicenter of UST, the subjects of argument between Shippers, who (in my mind, anyway) enjoyed the stories and conspiracy aspects of the show but also wanted Mulder and Scully to touch each other where they pee, and NoRomos, who thought Mulder and Scully ending up together would ruin the show, blah blah Moonlighting.

I spent SO many hours in the early days of the internet (AOL WHAT), arguing with NoRomos on my X-Files email group (shut up) about how Mulder and Scully were MFEO OBVIOUSLY. A friend and I even made a website solely devoted to cataloguing the shows “shippy moments,” (jesus) episode by episode, WITH SCREENCAPS. This was high-tech stuff back then, you know. My friend was the one who captured the pictures of the moments, which felt like magic at the time, while I spent hours rewatching episodes and writing blurbs for each. I found the website a few months ago. It felt like time traveling. No, you cannot see it.

Watching it now, I don’t know why there was ever any argument. Mulder and Scully are obviously in love. Like, completely. Maybe not romantic love, not at first, because they weren’t banging yet (um, spoiler), but they so loved each other’s faces! Have you seen the way they GAZE at each other?

Whatever, Mulder.

And they way they talk to each other with about two inches separating their faces?

Also THIS. I don't make a habit of gently cupping a co-worker's cheek.

Joe tried to tell me that the close-talking is just a TV thing but no, that’s how Mulder and Scully talk to each other, all the time, all whispers and furtive glances, and they are in love THE END.

Anyway. My new favorite thing is watching The X-Files while in bed. If I could go back in time and tell 14-year-old Jennie that when she’s an adult, she’ll have the ability to lie in bed and watch The X-Files on her computer while surfing the internet on her phone, her head would explode. So, I guess if I ever find a time machine, I won’t do that. Otherwise I’d have no head right now. And I need one of those to live, I’m pretty sure.

The only bad thing about doing this is that some episodes are really, really creepy. I wouldn’t say they’re scary, as in a “this zombie just jumped out and chewed off a guy’s face,” but more like, “why am I watching the creepiest episode of The X-Files ever, in bed, in the dark, when Joe isn’t home?”

The episode in question? Irresistible, starring one Donnie Pfaster, aka The Creepiest Creep To Ever Creep. This episode has always terrified me, Donnie Pfaster being one of those normal-looking human-monsters, so able to blend into the background, and of course it features one of the show’s scariest tropes: Scully In Peril. Joe said I should make a list of all the times Scully is kidnapped/in danger and Mulder has to maniacally rush to find her (also a list of all the times Mulder loses/drops his gun, but who has that kind of time?), which does happen a lot, but I’m kind of OK with it? Because A) Mulder gets himself into plenty of trouble, too, and Scully has to save him and B) Mulder worrying about Scully is SUPER ADORABLE YOU GUYS M+S 4EVA!!1!!1!!!

"Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds."

Do you ever get jealous of fictional characters? I don't mean the ones who have super Slayer strength or the ones who can do magic or the ones who can fly a Viper after drinking all the booze on Galactica.

Done and DONE

No, I'm talking about, like, OK...when a character on TV or in a movie is climbing into bed, I get super jealous of them. Even if I'm not tired and the last thing I want to do is sleep (PSHAW), I still get jealous because BED IS SO COMFORTABLE, WHO DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO THERE? I feel like I've been spending my entire life trying to make my bed look as inviting as the beds do on TV, all fluffy comforter and just the right amount of pillows, and I think I'm finally there, yet I spend very little time sleeping compared to how often I WANT to be sleeping.

It’s not just the sleeping thing, though. Joe and I have been watching The O.C. and lately I've been very jealous of the Cohens. And not for normal reasons, like that they live in a giant house with an infinity pool or because their days are full of witty banter or that they're so rich that Seth can destroy his Range Rover and he gets in about as much trouble as I used to for not refilling the ice cube trays. No. It's because, every morning, they have all this time for a breakfast routine. The kitchen, as in so many TV shows, plays an important role. It's where storylines are hashed out, it’s where characters gather to eat and share their problems, IT'S WHERE MOST OF THE WITTY BANTER HAPPENS.

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE BAGELS!

Not only do the Cohens have a really great kitchen, but they seem to have a million hours in the morning to spend in it. I don't know about you guys, but even though Joe and I have made time to eat breakfast at home in the mornings (together, even), it still doesn't leave us a lot of time to sit around trying to out-quip one another. We get five minutes for that, tops. Sure, we could have more time if we got up earlier but why on Earth would we want to get up any earlier than we have to?

Also! On TV, whenever they're getting ready for work/school/whatever, it's always sunny outside already. In my world, the sun usually isn't out until I'm leaving the house and sometimes it's not even out until I get to work. When I worked farther away from home, I could drive to work and, some mornings, watch the sunrise in my rearview mirror. (In related news, that is the saddest sentence I've ever typed.)

I know that it's crazy to expect TV to depict anything in a realistic light. I know that Slayers don't exist (to my knowledge) and the FBI has yet to acknowledge a secret division called the X-Files in the basement of the Hoover building, and I know that no normal family can spend hours of time together every morning before going about their daily business. But in order for me to accept the Slayers and the vampires and the multiple-death-having-FBI-agents of this fictional world, I need some reality or my OCD won't let me just enjoy the show.

So, dear fictional characters, please close the front door. Go to the bathroom to do things other than apply lip gloss or do drugs (I don't need to SEE what you’re doing, just a hint will do). Eat breakfast when it’s dark out! I need these depictions of reality in my fiction every now and then, I really do. Otherwise I forget to pay attention to what's actually going on during The Aviator and instead focus on where Howard Hughes was pooping the whole time he refused to come out of his movie theater. TRUE STORY.

Don't you judge me, Howard Hughes. You pee in milk bottles!

DOWNTON ABBEY!!! SPOILERS!!! BEWARE!!!

I watched the finale of Downton Abbey the other night and I think I need a safe place to talk about my feelings. Because, you see, I have a lot of feelings re: the last five minutes and also the season in general.

First of all, if you haven't watched the season and don't want to be spoiled, please quit reading. ESPECIALLY if you haven't yet watched the Christmas special, which was the one that aired this past Sunday in the US, since we celebrate Christmas two months after our friends across the pond. So, yeah, spoilers ahead and I think I'm being generous even giving a warning because, by now, it's aired all over the place so if you haven't watched it, that's your problem. That is my spoiler policy! But I'm being nice because I was horribly spoiled for two giant Downton events (after they aired in the UK) because I haven't figured out yet how not to get spoiled for things on Tumblr. 

ANYWAY. So don't cry to me in a moment if you've already read this far and you still get spoiled. Because I'm about to spoil everything. EVERYTHING. And I'm not hiding anything in garbly text or "click to read more" links so just get over it. I'm sorry I'm being so cranky about this but spoilers make me cranky, OK? I SAID SORRY. Let's move on, right, and talk about...

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(there's still time to back out)

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Poor dead Sybil. That one hurt. I mean, I was spoiled for it (spoiler offense #1, TUMBLR) and it was still horrifying to watch, like, to the point where, while watching it unfold, at one point I was like, "maybe I read wrong...she had the baby and now she looks OK and they're all happy and what a cute family!" and then NOPE I WAS JUST LULLED INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY because then she died and we had to watch it and it was horrible and that baby is a murderer.

It's no revelation to say that babies are bad omens on this show, at least this season. It's all over the internet. But damn, if I were any of the other women on the show and I got pregnant, I would be TERRIFIED. I mean, I'd be terrified IN GENERAL if I found out I was pregnant, but on Downton it's way worse. So far, a baby has killed a reputation (Ethel), a mother (Sybil), and ALL OUR FUTURE HOPES FOR HAPPINESS BECAUSE MARY'S DAMN BABY KILLED MATTHEW.

That's right, MATTHEW IS DEAD. DEEAAAAAAADDDDDDD! WHY GOD WHY?!?

I knew it was coming, so I put off watching the finale for as long as possible. Joe kept asking me if I wanted to watch Downton Abbey and I was all, "IF I WATCH IT, MATTHEW WILL BE DEAD SO NO THANK YOU," and then Joe would just back away slowly. Then I watched it and it was terrible because they spent so much time talking about how Matthew was so great and he was everyone's savior and he was the only one who thought Mary was a nice person and he saved Downton from Lord Grantham's stupidity and was so excited about his stupid adorable baby and NOW HE'S DEAD. I mean, I understand that they really had very little choice but to kill him off, since Dan Stevens decided to leave the show (though I still think a situation where he'd always just left the room or was away on business or was locked in the W.C. would have been fun), but I hate that it ended that way. Mostly I'm just worried about the baby because can you imagine Mary being your mother? Yeesh.

I will say that I'm so way more into Edith now than I ever was before, like, I felt really bad when she was left at the altar (LITERALLY) but I'm loving that she's suddenly all CAREER WOMAN, in spite of her father's protesting. If they continue her Peggy Olsoning, and if she stays away from her editor with the crazy wife locked away in the asylum (Faux-chester), she might become my favorite character, aside from Professor McGonagall, of course, and maybe zombie Matthew, if Dan Stevens decides to ever return. It could totally work, zombie love interests being all the rage virus these days. Or just in that one book/movie, anyway. Never mind.

Liz Lemon! You booger face!

Friday (TV) confessions because WHY NOT:

1. I was pretty hysterical during the end of 30 Rock last night. Like, laughing and crying at the same time. A laugh-cry noise is really weird, btw. I honestly didn't know I was still that attached to the show, having watched only sporadically last season, but this last season was great and YOU GUYS I JUST LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH.

2. Speaking of 30 Rock, remember the nightcheese? Of course you do. For a really long time, I didn't know about the song "Night Moves" and thought Liz Lemon was just singing a happy song about cheese. WHAT OF IT.



3. I've watched the most recent episode of The New Girl three times this week. So far. I might watch it some more, who knows? I don't remember being this excited about two fictional characters making out since Pam and Jim but there's a slight difference, because I don't really care if Nick and Jess get together but, at the time of all the Pam and Jim shenanigans, I felt like my whole identity was tied into whether Pam and Jim got together. I'm sure this was in no small part due to me having a crush on a friend which led me to be all, "Well, if Pam and Jim ever get together and it doesn't ruin their friendship, then I can probably make out with my friend and it'll all work out, too." And things DID work out eventually, just not with that guy, and THAT'S WHAT IS AWESOME ABOUT LIFE YOU GUYS YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

4. Ahem. Speaking of The Office, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH BRIAN THE BOOM MIKE GUY? WHY ARE THEY MAKING JIM THE WORST? WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS IN THE LAST SEASON? IT IS GIVING ME HURTY-TUMMY FEELINGS. To be honest, I haven't really given any fucks about Jim and Pam since, well, probably since they had a baby (sorry, Cece) and then another baby (sorry...other baby), but I guess all it took for my fucks to return was the threat of a hot, bearded, boom mike operator. GO AWAY BRIAN EVEN THOUGH I DO FIND YOU VERY HANDSOME AND HOPE YOU GET A JOB ON ANOTHER SHOW SOMETIME OK BYE.

5. Last night, I had a dream about Community, probably because I'm so excited about it coming back next week (!!!) and it was like an actual episode, with a plot and all the characters and everything, and they were all writing a play about Pilgrims or the Civil War or some old historical shit like that and Jeff forgot to put any women characters in the play, so Annie was playing, like, a bear and she and Britta were yelling at Jeff about feminism, all while Annie was wearing a bear costume, and then later Annie (minus bear costume) and Jeff were about to make out but Dean Pelton ran in the room and interrupted them and THAT IS NOT COOL, DEAN, GO AWAY. Oh, so remember when I said I haven't been excited about two characters making out since Pam and Jim? Well, I sort of take that back because I really want Jeff and Annie to make out, like, all the time and not just in parallel timeline circumstances. Anyway, I guess my brain is just writing Community fanfic in my dreams now again, which is cool. Cool cool cool.

Of the people in this room, which one is A) wearing a spangly outfit and B) not of use?

Everyone wishes they were a superhero, right? That's a thing, isn't it? Or that they could do, like, magic? Like Harry Potter? Or better yet, magic like all-around badass Hermione Granger, because if you're going to do magic, you might as well do it like THE BEST WITCH OF HER AGE.



But magic requires practice and talent and really I'd prefer that these superhuman powers were just given to me so I don't have to do any real work. Yeah, yeah, I know that having superpowers often comes with a shitload of personal problems (with great power comes great responsibility, GOD I KNOW, UNCLE BEN, YOU KILLJOY), but I think the trade off is worth it. Though, I'm probably just saying that because if I had superpowers, I most likely wouldn't use them to better the world at all. I mean, I could sit here and tell you all that I'd immediately get a cape and some tights and start trying to save the world, but I think we all know that I'd only use my powers for personal gain. Which...I guess means I might be a supervillian? Oops.

What if we all got to pick a superpower once we reached a certain age? Like, CONGRATULATIONS, you turned 16, here's a car and THE POWER OF FLIGHT. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE. I mean, I guess they wouldn't really be superpowers at that point, they'd just be normalpowers, which means there wouldn't be superheroes or supervillians, just heroes and villians, which sounds kind of boring so never mind. Only I get the powers. But if I could pick a superpower (or five, because lists make everything better), here are the ones I'd choose:

1. Flight (DUH)

THIS REQUIRES NO EXPLANATION.

2. Super!Brain

So I can be smarter than everyone, obviously, and plan all my Super!Plans. I assume that having superpowers is hell on a normal brain, so hopefully I'll be more equipped to deal with all of that if I have a Super!Brain.

3. Invisibility

So I can easily rob banks and stuffs. For money. For my Super!Plans.

4. Speedy Quickness

Because I might need to RUN SO FAST after I rob the banks and stuffs. Though. I can already fly, but we can assume the speedy quickness applies to flight as well as running, right? Yes. Let's definitely assume.

5. Invincibility (Confusing, right, because it sounds and looks like #3 up there? BUT THEY ARE DIFFERENT OK LEARN TO READ.)

Because what the hell is even the point of having superpowers if someone can just stab you and it's all OOPS WHERE'D YOUR BLOOD GO oh wait, you're dead. Obviously, the only way to protect your superpowered self is to be totally invincible so some stupid jerk can't come along and kill you dead like the rest of these puny mortals.



SO ANYWAY. I think we can all agree that if I did have any or all of these powers, I'd be NIGH UNSTOPPABLE, provided I ever worked up the motivation to stop watching Buffy reruns long enough to take over the world. I guess you're all safe.

FOR NOW.

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy and his comic books

My life is better in so many ways since meeting Joe, obviously, but one of the best ways is that he introduced me to an entirely new (to me, anyway) world of storytelling. When we first started talking, back during that week of furious emailing before we met in person, he mentioned that he read comics and hoped that I wouldn't judge him for it. I was all, "wtf, why would I judge that?" and at first, I thought he was just warning me about his obsession habit of reading and collecting comics, but after this week's How I Met Your Mother, I wonder if the comic book issue isn't just Joe's version of Ted's Annie Hall dealbreaker.

Wow, that last sentence probably made no sense to a lot of you, and for that I apologize, but it's not my fault you didn't watch HIMYM this week.

Before I met Joe, I thought of comics as merely superhero stories with muscly men and big-boobed ladies running around wearing half of the amount of clothing that is socially acceptable. And those comics exist, sure, and I understand why people like the superhero stuff, but Joe introduced me to, you know, other stuff that I never knew existed. It was like magic. I tried Jeffrey Brown, but he wasn't for me. Neither was Watchmen. I tried to read Walking Dead but gave up after a few issues because terrible dialogue broke my brain. But Raina Telgemeier, Andy Runton, Craig Thompson, Bryan Lee O'Malley, Adrian Tomine, I liked. I'm sure I'm missing out on a wealth of other authors, so please feel free to suggest something else I should be reading. 

My latest obsession is Fables, a series about fairy tale characters living in the real world. FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS LIVING IN THE REAL WORLD. If this sounds familiar to you, it's because there are two TV shows premiering soon that are along the same lines, Grimm and Once Upon a Time. I wish they'd just made Fables into a TV show but no one consulted me, which I think we can all agree is total bullshit. I'm on the 5th volume of the Fables collections (no idea what actual issue that is) and I'm a bit afraid to keep reading at the rate I am, because soon I'll be done and then what will I do? Wait for the next issue? Well, I'm not good at that so I DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Moving on.

Here are things I like about Fables:

1. Everything.

I'm going to watch both Grimm and Once Upon a Time because A) duh, fairy tales and B) hopefully at least one of them will be good, in case I finish Fables and need another real-life-fairy-tale fix.

Grimm starts next Friday on NBC. Some detective finds out that he's a descendent of the Brothers Grimm, so takes on the mission of protecting humanity from evil, supernatural fairy tale characters. No word on what he does to the nice fairy tale characters. Maybe he bangs Cinderella, I don't know. I'm a bit more excited for ABC's Once Upon a Time, but that's mainly because Ginnifer Goodwin is in it and I like her. Yes, I'm that simple. Oh PLUS ALSO it's written by a couple of LOST writers, so I'm pretty much obligated to check it out.

Once Upon a Time is set in Storybrooke, Maine (obviously). A bunch of fairy tale characters, mainly Snow White, Prince Charming, the Evil Queen, Jiminy Cricket, and Rumpelstiltskin, live there but GET THIS, they have no idea that they're fairy tale characters! Wicked. Anyway. Dr. Cameron from House is in it, too, but the Wikipedia page is kind of confusing and spoilery about her, so I don't want to say too much. The show starts on Sunday, so why don't you just watch for yourself instead of expecting me to explain everything? Geez.

ANYWAY. I'll be checking both of them out and crossing my fingers that one of them is worth a season pass. But if not, at least I'll still have Fables.

violence is never the answer except for right now it totally is

Last week I talked about TV characters I'd like to hug so it's only right that now I talk about TV characters I'd like to PUNCH IN THE FACE. Or babymaker. Or BOTH! Yeah, both. This came up mostly because of numbers 4 and 5 below, because I feel like lately we are always watching either Friday Night Lights or Mad Men. Joe actually makes, like, strangley noises and punches the air (which is pretty entertaining) whenever number 4 is onscreen, flashing his smug face all over the place. But anyway. Dear all of you on this list, I PUNCH YOU IN YOUR STUPID BUTT FACE.

1. Colonel Tigh (and his wife), Battlestar Galactica

Ugh.

Remember that time he got drunk and said mean things to Starbuck? Or that other time he got drunk and said mean things to Starbuck? Or that time he got drunk and said mean things to everyone? Or that time he got drunk and declared martial law? Or that time he got drunk and threw President Roslin in jail? UGH. That guy needs a punch, right in his good eye.

2. Kate Austen, Lost

Hmm, yes, I would also like to throw mud at her face.

This one needs no explanation but I will offer this: she broke Nathan Fillion's heart and for that she gets PUNCHED.

3. Greg Harris, Mad Men

This guy is the worst. I hope he dies in Vietnam. It's hard to say why I hate him so without spoilering everyone so I'll stay quiet but I will say that I cheered and clapped when this happened:

4. JD McCoy's dad, Friday Night Lights

Congratulations, you've won first place in the PUNCH TO THE FACE contest you didn't even know you entered.

I forget his name but he is EVIL. He's like Buddy Garrity without a soul. He actually reminds me a lot of Aaron Echolls but, as far as I know, he's never murdered anyone. Maybe he's Aaron's brother or something. Do you think Friday Night Lights and Veronica Mars exist in the same universe? I hope they do, if only so one day Landry and Mac meet at college and get married and have the smartest, nerdiest babies ever.

5. Betty Draper, Mad Men

That's why her hair is so big. It's full of EVIL.

This one doesn't really require explanation, either. Grow up, Betty. PUNCH.

6. Diana Fowley, The X-Files

I forget where I found this but isn't the internet a magical place?

You might think this one is a little odd since A) the show has been off the air for the last hundred years and B) I think she ended up dying anyway, but NO. I will punch Diana Fowley in the face until the end of days. Although, really I should probably be punching Chris Carter for creating such an unnecessary Mulder-Scully-LoveTrain-Speedbump character in the first place, but he's not imaginary (?) so I can't put him on the list. Those are the rules according to the rules.


Also! I need to add someone to the list of TV people who need a hug and that person is WALTER BISHOP from Fringe because OMG he needs, like, a hug an hour or something. C'mon. Look at this face.

I'm sorry, I can't talk right now because I am crippled by sadness.

He should stop doing whatever he's doing with the vortexes and other universes (note: we are only about halfway through the third season) and invent a hugging robot instead. I actually think everyone on this show needs a hug (I volunteer for all Pacey-hugs!) but Walter the most.

FREE HUGS but only for imaginary people

I've been rewatching Mad Men because it's now on Netflix Instant so WHY NOT? The other night, I watched one from the third season in which little Sally Draper is inconsolable with grief, sobbing, stomping her feet, screaming at her family, and they send her to watch TV. THEY SEND HER TO WATCH TV. I wanted to jump into the TV and give her a hug, smooth down her flyaway hair, and tuck her into bed, which is how I assume any decent human being would act, so of course Betty Draper whines and makes it all about her and yells at Sally for being "hysterical" and Don sits there, downing a drink and smoking.

And so here, in no particular order, are five TV characters I would like to give a big hug:

1. Sally Draper, Mad Men

Sally and her tutu of sadness.

Poor Sally. Her mom is Betty, need I say more? No, probably not, but I will. Sally Draper is the cutest, with her 60s wardrobe and little lisp and I guess Betty is nice sometimes but most of the time she can't be bothered to mother anybody, probably because she's still a child herself, but she really drops the ball with Sally. Don's not much better, since he's barely around and when he IS around, he's drunk or drinking or smoking or reading the paper or fighting with Betty. I don't know why I feel like Sally needs all the hugs and Bobby's fine but I'LL SAY IT, Bobby? Meh. They don't do much with Bobby, really, and he's been recast like fifty times, so no wonder I can't bring myself to care.

2. Matt Saracen, Friday Night Lights

I can't even tell you what episode this picture is from OR YOU WOULD CRY FOREVER.

This kid can't catch a break. Mom ran off when he was a baby. Dad's in Iraq and then OOPS SPOILERS NEVER MIND. Adorable grandma has dementia. He has to take care of his grandma, work, do all his schoolwork, he's QB1 (most of the time), and he never complains, you guys, like ever. He needs more hugs than anyone ever and not just from Julie, who only loves him when it's convenient oops that was way harsh, I didn't really mean that. Anyway, every time he has a scene with Coach or Tami Taylor, I spend most of it hoping they'll just give him a hug and if they won't, I will.

3. Hurley, Lost

Don't cry, Hurley. If you cry, I cry.

I think Hurley is actually OK now, wherever he is (sideways-heaven's-waiting-room world? the island? in Heaven doing sex with Libby?) but I just think Hurley is the most huggable TV character in all of TV.

4. The 10th Doctor, Doctor Who

Look at this face:

All byyyyyy myyyyyself...don't wanna be, aaaaaall byyyyy myself

This is the face of someone who needs a hug.

Also, [insert obligatory "I'd like to do more than just hug the 10th Doctor AMIRITE" statement here].

5. Bill Haverchuck, Freaks and Geeks

I mean, come on. If this kid doesn't need a hug, I don't know who does.

LOST! (this is full of spoilers, READER BEWARE)

OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS! Ahem. Oh my god, you guys! Lost . . . I just . . . I have no words.

OK, just kidding, I have all sorts of words. Lost blew my mind twice last night (slut) and THEN made me sob and sob like a little baby who lost its mom at the mall and also someone stole its cookie. And it was a giant, soft chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven. You know, when the chips are still all melty? So you KNOW that baby is upset. And so was I. Truth.

As soon as "Johnson" (was that his name?) started walking toward Sayid, Desmond,* and the weirdo doctor with the CRAZY EYES, in my head, I was all, "Oh my god . . . is that Michael? No way. I know they said he was coming back, but . . . no. No way. OH MY GOD, IT'S MICHAEL." Because, you guys! IT WAS MICHAEL! And in my head (again), I was like, "Michael," you know like how GOB says it? Like that. That's how I said it. In my head. OK, out loud.

Sidebar: I apologize to those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. I mean, with that last paragraph alone, I've not only alienated those who don't watch Lost, but also those who don't watch Arrested Development. Although . . . if you don't watch Arrested Development, what the hell is wrong with you? /sidebar

Anyway. Can you guys believe Michael is Ben's "man on the boat?" I did not see that coming. Granted, I stopped trying to figure out what was going on on Lost a looooooong time ago, because the show is a lot more fun to watch if you just give up and think of it as pure (awesome) entertainment. I mean, the beginning of the episode was kind of ho-hum, business as usual. I was watching it in bed, all slumped against the pillows with my eyes half open. But when Michael walked into the light, I sat straight up in bed and was all, "HOLY SHIT," and then I looked around for someone to share my disbelief, but there wasn't anyone in my bedroom besides Phoebe and my own reflection in the mirror, and so I gave my reflection an air-five. It was awesome. And by awesome, I mean lame.

OK, AND THEN? There was a double whammy flashforward/flashback. WELL DONE, LOST. Seriously, kudos. And THAT is where your kudos ends, because SERIOUSLY? YOU'RE KILLING JIN? REALLY? Even as I watched Sun putting on a black dress and jewelry and she and Hurley walked into a cemetery, I was like, "no . . . they wouldn't kill Jin, NOOOOOOOOOO!" but they did. And I cried A LOT. And then I was like, "Jennie, calm down, these aren't real people," and then my reflection jumped out of the mirror and smacked me in the head. True story.

(lies)

*heh