sugar and spice and everything nice

This morning I had an eyelash in my eye and, though usually I can fish them out with my finger (GROSS), this one was proving to be difficult. So I took a tissue, rolled up one corner, and used that to grab the eyelash. It worked instantly and I wondered why I don't just do that right away any time I have anything in my eye which, for whatever reason, happens ALL THE TIME. My eye is a magnet for eyelashes and tiny pieces of fuzz and ONE TIME EVEN A BUG AHH YOU GUYS. But I hardly ever think of the tissue trick right away. Probably because I have to learn the same lesson at least 128 times before it sticks, but it could also be that I'm just kind of dumb, common-sense-wise.

The rolled-up-tissue trick is something I picked up from my grandma, and I think about that every time I use it. Whenever I was little and would get an eyelash in my eye, my grandma would come straight at me with a tissue and I'd cringe into the sofa, sure that it was going to hurt MUCH worse than the eyelash did, thank you, that eyelash can just live in my eye OK IT'S FINE. But it never hurt, really, and soon I'd be back to whatever I'd been doing, playing with My Little Pony or watching Punky Brewster or whatever the hell I did to fill my time when I was six. Gambling? Cigarettes? Alligator wrestling?

Much like now, I was a total whiny wuss when I was a kid, more than others, I imagine, though of course I can't really speak to that. I was a kid and kids have crap memories for that kind of thing. Though I do remember once falling down and scraping both of my knees to bloody messes and, when I went inside to tell my babysitter what had happened, she didn't believe me when I told her I hadn't cried. So maybe that tells you something. Something OTHER than the fact that my babysitter was an evil witch who used to make me drink cranberry juice every day (BARF) and always yelled at me for coloring outside the lines in my coloring books OR for coloring things unrealistic colors (like, I don't know, a purple duck).

I often wonder why I am the way I am, or why you are the way you are, or why ANYONE is they way they are. Are we born this way or are we made this way, molded into a whole person over the course of many years? Sure, it goes back to that whole nature-vs-nurture thing, and I'm sure it's a combination of both, but can't there be a more magical answer? Can't we be mixed together from birth, a concoction of thoughts and feelings and fate and WHAT-WILL-I-BE-que-sera-sera goodness? I know that's ridiculous but it's much more fun than just saying someone is a product of the environment. I mean, do I like to read because my parents provided me with all the books I asked for, or is it because the Fairy of Learned Books sprinkled fairy dust (made from bits of first drafts, forgotten ideas, and MAGIC obviously) on my head when I was born? Come on, which would you rather believe?

At the same time, I can't ignore the things I've picked up over the years from my family. Not that I'd want to. And not just the important things, either, like how to be a good person or how to get eyelashes out of your eye quickly and painlessly, but other things like the correct way to make a bed or that you should put potato chips on sandwiches. True, these things are easily Google-able now, but I like that I've learned them from watching others.

My mom is job-searching right now, which is a soul-sucking thing to have to do, as everyone knows. Yet she remains so positive about everything and doesn't give up, even after setbacks, which makes me wonder why I'm so prone to quitting things. I certainly didn't get it from either of my parents. Was I born this way? Did some jerk Laziness Fairy get to me when I was a baby? I can only imagine it was this magical fairy, this merry trickster, who whispered in my ear each night as I was sleeping that I should give up when things get too hard, to take the easy way out, to most definitely spend the majority of my time watching reruns of my favorite TV shows instead of doing anything productive. Which is a total asshole move, really, but it shouldn't be too hard to turn it around. Not now that I know about it. Still. If anyone has the Productivity Fairy's number, can you send it my way?

Of the people in this room, which one is A) wearing a spangly outfit and B) not of use?

Everyone wishes they were a superhero, right? That's a thing, isn't it? Or that they could do, like, magic? Like Harry Potter? Or better yet, magic like all-around badass Hermione Granger, because if you're going to do magic, you might as well do it like THE BEST WITCH OF HER AGE.



But magic requires practice and talent and really I'd prefer that these superhuman powers were just given to me so I don't have to do any real work. Yeah, yeah, I know that having superpowers often comes with a shitload of personal problems (with great power comes great responsibility, GOD I KNOW, UNCLE BEN, YOU KILLJOY), but I think the trade off is worth it. Though, I'm probably just saying that because if I had superpowers, I most likely wouldn't use them to better the world at all. I mean, I could sit here and tell you all that I'd immediately get a cape and some tights and start trying to save the world, but I think we all know that I'd only use my powers for personal gain. Which...I guess means I might be a supervillian? Oops.

What if we all got to pick a superpower once we reached a certain age? Like, CONGRATULATIONS, you turned 16, here's a car and THE POWER OF FLIGHT. HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE. I mean, I guess they wouldn't really be superpowers at that point, they'd just be normalpowers, which means there wouldn't be superheroes or supervillians, just heroes and villians, which sounds kind of boring so never mind. Only I get the powers. But if I could pick a superpower (or five, because lists make everything better), here are the ones I'd choose:

1. Flight (DUH)

THIS REQUIRES NO EXPLANATION.

2. Super!Brain

So I can be smarter than everyone, obviously, and plan all my Super!Plans. I assume that having superpowers is hell on a normal brain, so hopefully I'll be more equipped to deal with all of that if I have a Super!Brain.

3. Invisibility

So I can easily rob banks and stuffs. For money. For my Super!Plans.

4. Speedy Quickness

Because I might need to RUN SO FAST after I rob the banks and stuffs. Though. I can already fly, but we can assume the speedy quickness applies to flight as well as running, right? Yes. Let's definitely assume.

5. Invincibility (Confusing, right, because it sounds and looks like #3 up there? BUT THEY ARE DIFFERENT OK LEARN TO READ.)

Because what the hell is even the point of having superpowers if someone can just stab you and it's all OOPS WHERE'D YOUR BLOOD GO oh wait, you're dead. Obviously, the only way to protect your superpowered self is to be totally invincible so some stupid jerk can't come along and kill you dead like the rest of these puny mortals.



SO ANYWAY. I think we can all agree that if I did have any or all of these powers, I'd be NIGH UNSTOPPABLE, provided I ever worked up the motivation to stop watching Buffy reruns long enough to take over the world. I guess you're all safe.

FOR NOW.

the Ken Doll

I first heard of the Kindle back in 2007 from one Heather Anne Hogan. It was the Thanksgiving that I drove to DC to meet The Collective and when I'd finally found my way and parked and lugged all of my stuff into Kat's adorable apartment, Heather Anne told us all of a magical device called the Kindle.

She'd been sitting next to a woman with a Kindle on her flight to DC. And, being Heather Anne Hogan, she became best friends with this stranger and learned all about the wonder of the Kindle. How it was magic and could hold practically a million books inside and also how it cost a lot. We were all amazed, if not slightly suspicious, because who doesn't love the feel of a real book in their hands? In any case, I filed this information away because I didn't even have an iPod at that point, so it wasn't like I was going to go run out and buy this mysterious Kindle. (At the time, I thought everyone was saying Ken Doll instead of Kindle and I was all, "How do you read off of a Ken Doll?" but don't worry, I eventually figured it out.)

Last year, Joe started a new job. Since he started when everyone was getting their Christmas bonuses, he wasn't going to get one. So his boss gave him a Kindle. Yeah. No bonus for you, but here's SOME MAGIC instead. I'm not going to lie to you. I was jealous. And not JUST because my Christmas bonus consisted of a booklet about the history of the company and two movie tickets. But, I was also happy for him because I love him blah blah blah and anyway, he let me read books on it sometimes.

The brand new tiny Kindle came out right before we got married. My coworkers gave me a gift card to Target that was JUST ENOUGH for a Kindle, so we tried to find one before the honeymoon. Unfortunately, we weren't successful so, AS PER USUAL, I ended up packing five books in my carry-on, oh, and buying two others over the course of the trip.

But when we got home, we found a faraway(ish) Target (around Hoover Heights, Heather) and soon I had a Kindle. It was like POOF here's your Kindle, that's how easy it was. I soon had it loaded with a couple of books, but it's so hard to stop at a couple of books. Especially when it's so easy to buy them. You only have to click ONE BUTTON on Amazon's website and then it's loaded onto your Kindle. I had no idea books could disapparate, but they keep doing it! From Amazon, straight to my Kindle! IT IS MAGIC, YOU GUYS, DON'T TRY AND TELL ME DIFFERENTLY.

I need to stop, though. I am exceeding my book budget by, like, a lot. Luckily, there are a lot of free books for the Kindle, classics like Pride & Prejudice and Gulliver's Travels. So I loaded all the free books I could find onto my Kindle. I found about 40 of them. I'll be taking all of them with me to DC this weekend and I just hope it's enough.