I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

I'm eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich right now. Don't be jealous. I think the peanut butter and jelly sandwich might be the most perfect sandwich in the history of sandwiches. I would eat one for every meal if I didn't think I'd start to suffer from some sort of nutrition deficiency. When I was little, I didn't even bother with jelly. Just peanut butter and lots of it. Like, so much that when I took a bite of the sandwich I couldn't really open my mouth much until I gulped down half a glass of milk. Mmm, PB&J and milk. Man, I wish I had some milk right now.

This morning at work, in the span of five minutes I was called both "young lady," and "little lady," by different people. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, I've been called worse, that's for sure, but I can't help but think "little lady" is unnecessary. Other ways I have been greeted at work? "Hey, girl," a salute, and "here comes trouble."

So I didn't really sleep last night. I'm not sure why. It could be all the caffeine I mainlined yesterday in order to stay awake at work. Or it could be that my body has just given up and succumbed to my brain's will to stay awake as long as possible. You win, brain. THIS TIME. But wait til Saturday when I will kill parts of you with alcohol. THEN we will see who is the one with the willpower! Or at least the vodka.

Even though I didn't really sleep last night, I still got out of bed late. Of course. Also? I found out that I don't have time to shave my legs when I get up that late. I'm not sure why I felt the need to shave my legs this morning. I thought about wearing a skirt because I really need to do laundry and skirts are practically all that I have left. But then I remembered I have a giant bruise on my shin from Friday night. I'm not sure how it got there, but it is big and all sorts of interesting colors. I'm used to finding random bruises all over my body. Not because Heidi beats me or anything, but because I have a tendency to run into walls and trip over shoes or Phoebe or air. True story.

hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders, navy beans navy beans MEATLOAF SANDWICH

I am nothing if not a creature of habit. Which is why I was so excited about my new job, because it is 8 to 5, every day, with an hour for lunch. At my old job, the hours varied from day to day and sometimes my lunch break was a five minute span of time in which I'd try to shove a turkey sandwich and pretzels down my throat and that is NOT SAFE. Also, just because the schedule SAID we were only open until 7 didn't mean that's when we would leave. And that is why it sucks to work in a doctor's office, because you're at the mercy of patients and patients as a whole are a bunch of assholes. True story.

So, yes, I am enjoying the whole "being on a schedule" thing. Because I'm like a four-year-old who gets cranky when she doesn't get her nap (note: I do not nap at work). BUT, I do get cranky when my eating schedule is disrupted. So I guess I'm more like a dog, but I don't really like comparing myself to a dog so let's move on.

Every morning, I eat a granola bar when I get to work. I love granola bars. I could eat like 10 at a time, but I don't. Then I have some coffee. Usually, way too much coffee and then I spend the rest of the morning walking the beaten path from my office to the restroom. I pee a lot, is what I'm saying. Partly because of the coffee, but mostly because I drink water constantly so I have an excuse to get up and wander the halls. Anyway, around 10 o'clock I eat some yogurt. Because 10 o'clock is when my stomach starts growling so loud that people actually come up to me and ask if I'm OK. OF COURSE I'm not OK, I'M OBVIOUSLY STARVING TO DEATH GIVE ME SOME FOOD. Only when I yelled that at my boss I got in trouble.

Lunch, of course, is right at twelve. I think I've discussed this before, but I normally eat the same thing for lunch every day. Carrots, turkey sandwich, pretzels, chocolate pudding snack pack IN THAT ORDER. Around 3, I start to get hungry again so I usually eat a fruit cup. Or a 100-calorie pack. Whatever I remembered to bring to work with me, really. As long as it's healthy because I am ALL ABOUT clean living.

So you can imagine my indignation when I found out that today I had a meeting at 10 AM and 3 PM. Those are both of my snack times! I mean, I'd probably be OK if I only had to miss one of them, but both?! I am going to be super cranky this afternoon. WATCH. OUT.

PS: I was going to post more of THE EVIL SUMMER but I didn't really think it'd be a good idea to bring a "book" to work that has a knife dripping blood all over the cover.