Sunday, June 03, 2007

proof that I have always been this way

So earlier this afternoon, I was busy lying in bed, listening to music, and staring at the ceiling when I glanced over at my bookcase and noticed a folder had fallen behind it. I managed to pull myself out of my daydream haze and when I picked up the folder and opened it, I found the most magical thing ever. It was full of stories I'd written in junior high. Oh, they are so good. So, so, so good. And when I say good, I mean TERRIBLE. Just . . . terrible.

The best (worst) one was one I wrote, not for school, but for fun. I believe one of my friends helped me come up with the idea, but I was the one who wrote it (three drafts!) and BEST OF ALL designed and illustrated this cover:

Oh, you guys. Do you see that? That . . . is . . . I have no words. I think my favorite part is the fact that I drew blood dripping off the letters in "Evil Summer." What the fuck? I mean WOW. So, OK. I believe the story was loosely (very loosely) based on this party some friends of my parents used to have when we were younger and the usual attendees of said party. To be fair, I was not a psychotic 12-year-old, this was just around the time I read a lot of those RL Stine books. You know the ones I mean? Hey, he was born in Columbus, Ohio! Ha! Also, this may have been around the time I started reading Stephen King. Anyway, I read the story. It is spectacularly awful, just as I'd hoped, and I actually had to stop reading it and put it away every few pages because I was cringing so hard I could barely see. I was going to post some of it, but it's SEVENTEEN PAGES LONG, and I really don't want to subject you guys to that kind of torture. I will, however, tell you that I wrote the following disclaimer on the inside of the cover (complete with spelling errors):

Readers -- This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiosly. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

I'm really hoping I stole that from somewhere. If not? So. Weird. Oh, I forgot to tell you the best part. On the last page, it totally says, "THE END (or is it?)"


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