Here it is. Heart of New York City. Times Square. Named for the good times you have when you’re in it.

Heidi has been in NYC with her mom since last week, so I have been left to my own devices since I got home from DC Monday evening. This means I have eaten nothing but junk food, watched way too much TV, and spent the majority of my time dicking around on the Internets. At first I was a little jealous that I didn't get to go to NYC (hint, hint MOM), but then I remembered that I was going to DC for a Thanksgiving miracle. And in any case, I would have so been in the way. Heidi and her mom like to shop. Like A LOT. I hate shopping. Like A LOT. The only things I really like shopping for are t-shirts and books. I could spend hours in a bookstore, but nobody else I'm with ever wants to spend that much time there. If I had my way, I'd just move into a bookstore. I'd make myself a little fort out of books. Only I'd have to use books I don't like to read so I wouldn't have to dismantle my book fort every time I wanted to read. I could probably use encyclopedias. Encyclopedias are irrelevant anyway, thanks to Wackopedia. I could probably use magazines for the roof of my fort since I wouldn't have to worry about rain. And I'd use a Where's Waldo book for the door, cause it's thin but big enough to block the doorway. And if I was feeling friendly (ha!), I could move the Where's Waldo book out of the way pretty easily. Um. ANYWAY.

They also saw the Rockettes. Now, I've never been to a Rockettes show. The closest I've ever come to seeing a Rockettes show is when Daddy Warbucks takes Annie to see one. But I've seen enough to know that the Rockettes and I would not get along. They never stop smiling. They're far too enthusiastic about throwing their legs up into the air like they just don't care. Also, they seem really tall and really tall people make me uneasy, because I'm afraid they might not see me and they'll just run right over me with their big, monster, clown feet.

This morning I got a text message from Heidi asking me to TiVo The Today Show. This means they got up early to go stand outside that giant window. You couldn't PAY me to do that. It involves everything I hate. Getting up early, cold weather, a big crowd of people, and Al Roker. OK, I don't HATE Al Roker, but he does scare me a little. He's always smiling so big that it looks like he's about to take a giant bite out of my leg or something. Anyway, Heidi probably would have MADE me go with her (she's always making me do stuff . . . like leave the apartment) and I would have bitched and complained the entire time and ruined her memories of The Today Show forever.

Plus, I probably would have made them go hang out at the WGA picket line every day so we might see Tina Fey or Conan O'Brien. Or, if we were really lucky, Jon Stewart. Swoon*!

*heh

lying on the floor, lying on the floor, I've come undone

It only took about an hour of volunteering, but I have outed myself as a smartass. Remember how no kids showed up the other night? No? Well, no kids showed up the other night. On my first night of volunteering. Off to a great start! While we waited to see if there would be any latecomers, the director, the other volunteers and I sat around and talked. The director asked everyone to go around the circle, say their name, their job, and how long they had been volunteering with Oak Tree. When it was my turn, I said, "my name's Jennie, I work in HR, and I've been doing this for, oh, about an hour now." Then I waited through the uncomfortably long silence until finally everyone started laughing. Thank god. Because in my mind? People laughing at what I say = they like me. Close call.

Last night, there was one more training session, only it really had nothing to do with training and everything to do with sitting around and TALKING about what we'd learned in training blah blah blah. The director also lead us through this relaxation visualization exercise, where we all had to sit around with our eyes closed, breathing deeply and visualizing what she was telling us to do. Basically, it involved walking through a forest, meeting a guide, and traveling back to times when we'd experienced loss. I KNOW. I mean, I guess it was nice to just sit there in the dark and relax but I'm not very good at the whole visualization thing. Like, when she told us to pick a guide, in my head I picked someone and then we were supposed to start walking but instead we started talking and suddenly I was way behind where I was supposed to be. I actually found the whole "journey" sort of silly so instead I made up adventures for my guide and I to go on. Since yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day, our adventures involved a lot of swashbuckling. Um, but then when we were done and allowed to open our eyes we had to go around the circle and say what had happened! I thought about maybe bursting into tears and pretending to be too verklempt to share, but luckily I can spew a line of bullshit in my sleep, so I just made most of it up. Oh and also? During the whole relaxation thing, I just kept worrying that I wasn't relaxed enough. Like, I kept thinking, "Are you breathing deeply enough? Does your body feel relaxed? No? You're still sitting up perfectly straight . . . that is not relaxing. Although good posture is important. I'd hate to become a hunchback just because I got too good at relaxing. OK, concentrate. Relax. Relax! I SAID RELAX, DAMMIT! I wonder if I'm relaxed enough. I bet everyone else is way more relaxed than I am. I SUCK at relaxing."

Then finally the training was over. I'm excited to just get into the actual volunteering, mostly because I am much more comfortable with listening to other people talk than I am with talking about myself.

Arrrrrgh, matey!

Sorry, I'm just sad that Talk Like a Pirate Day is over.

all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere

Friday night, after a long hard day of . . . doing nothing, Heidi and I decided to walk up to The Greene to get some dinner and go to Victoria's Secret. Two things that, obviously, go hand in hand. The wait at Brio was quite long, so we took the flashy-lighty-up-vibraty-beepy thingie (seriously what is that thing?) over to Victoria's to stare at the panties and smell the lotions. Don't get those two mixed up or they'll look at you funny and probably ask you to leave.

After Heidi had purchased enough to get the Heidi Klum Face Bag With All The Free Shit Inside, and since it was unseasonably warm that night (but not unseasonably warm enough to warrant FLIP FLOPS, teenage girls with the stupid words on your stupid sweatpants on your stupid butt), we decided to sit on a bench outside the restaurant and People Watch. Luckily, we were right next to the courtyard with the giant Christmas tree so the people were ripe for the watching. We were watching small children chase each other while they waited in line for Santa, the horse-drawn carriages clip-clopping past, when I spotted a peculiar looking couple standing in the middle of the courtyard. The man was down on one knee. Odd, and I thought maybe he'd hurt himself until I saw the box in his hand.

"Hey look!" I exclaimed. "That guy is proposing!"

Heidi followed my pointed finger (rude, I know) and oohed and aahed with me.

"That is too cute," she said. "I might cry."

We worried that the couple might catch us, but luckily they were too engrossed in one another to take notice of two silly, giggling women sitting twenty feet away, one of whom was taking a picture with her camera phone. I'll let you guess which one that was.

And maybe it was the twinkly lights, or the fact that Santa was so nearby and I worried that he'd hear any naughty thoughts, but my Inner Bitch was actually quiet that night. Yes, the one that wishes there were No Children sections in restaurants. The one who routinely thinks "oh vomit" and sticks an imaginary finger down her throat at any couply sign of romance. That one. Completely silent. For probably the first time ever.

I'm definitely blaming Santa*.

*Just kidding, Santa! Hugs!