"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist."

This morning, I was trying to figure out what to listen to on Spotify but couldn't think of anything (MY LIFE IT IS SO HARD) so I put on Indie radio. Coldplay's Don't Panic came on which gave me the brilliant idea to listen to the Garden State soundtrack. (That song is on the Garden State soundtrack. In case you weren’t aware. The thoughts were connected, is what I'm saying.)

I listened to the Garden State soundtrack all morning because I guess I wanted to make myself really sad? That's the only thing I can think of. I was obsessed with Garden State (both the movie and the soundtrack) when it came out. I was just out of college and floundering through adulthood (The Shins hadn't yet changed my life) so a story about a guy going home and drifting along until he found some sort of connection with someone or something was right up my alley. I watched the movie constantly, sometimes starting it over as soon as the credits rolled. If I remember correctly (and it seems I do), Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were in pretty constant rotation for a while which...I guess I was trying to MAKE myself suffer from crippling depression? Good idea, Past!Jennie.

So you can imagine how disappointed I was when Joe and I watched Garden State a couple of years ago and I hated it. Just hated it. I hated everyone in it. Though, I was never all that fond of Natalie Portman's character, having been convinced upon first viewing that she stole my “socially awkward, lying-for-no-reason” schtick. Most everyone else was OK back then, though. But this time? Everything grated. The slow drift through the story (such as it was), the overly dramatic dialogue, the "original moment," I couldn't believe how much I used to love it.

God, even reading the quotes on IMDb is giving me a mad case of CringeFace (so stop, IDIOT). I think what it is, is that I loved this movie SO MUCH, so unabashedly, that now I'm embarrassed that I felt so strongly. Which is stupid. Who cares that I used to love that movie? It spoke to me at a time when I needed it and now I don't need it anymore and that's OK. There’s a reason we behave differently at 30 than we did at 20 and that is called GROWING AS A PERSON or some bullshit, and that’s fine and normal and blah blah whatever.

Anyway. The Garden State soundtrack is still great. And it does still make me sad when I listen to it. It makes me miss the person I used to be, confused as she was, because I don't really know her anymore. I'm no longer homesick for that place that doesn't exist. But I used to be. For a long time, I felt stuck in limbo between childhood and adulthood, like I was just playing adult most of the time. And while I still feel that way sometimes, I also know that I'm capable of doing adult-like things, good or bad, without completely falling apart. I'm so much more capable than I used to be, more capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I mean, we all are, right?

Still. It makes me a bit nostalgic, listening to the soundtrack of my early twenties. A little heart-achy and more than a little eye-rolly, and, since we’re talking about my early twenties here, that feels almost perfect.

lying on the floor, lying on the floor, I've come undone

It only took about an hour of volunteering, but I have outed myself as a smartass. Remember how no kids showed up the other night? No? Well, no kids showed up the other night. On my first night of volunteering. Off to a great start! While we waited to see if there would be any latecomers, the director, the other volunteers and I sat around and talked. The director asked everyone to go around the circle, say their name, their job, and how long they had been volunteering with Oak Tree. When it was my turn, I said, "my name's Jennie, I work in HR, and I've been doing this for, oh, about an hour now." Then I waited through the uncomfortably long silence until finally everyone started laughing. Thank god. Because in my mind? People laughing at what I say = they like me. Close call.

Last night, there was one more training session, only it really had nothing to do with training and everything to do with sitting around and TALKING about what we'd learned in training blah blah blah. The director also lead us through this relaxation visualization exercise, where we all had to sit around with our eyes closed, breathing deeply and visualizing what she was telling us to do. Basically, it involved walking through a forest, meeting a guide, and traveling back to times when we'd experienced loss. I KNOW. I mean, I guess it was nice to just sit there in the dark and relax but I'm not very good at the whole visualization thing. Like, when she told us to pick a guide, in my head I picked someone and then we were supposed to start walking but instead we started talking and suddenly I was way behind where I was supposed to be. I actually found the whole "journey" sort of silly so instead I made up adventures for my guide and I to go on. Since yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day, our adventures involved a lot of swashbuckling. Um, but then when we were done and allowed to open our eyes we had to go around the circle and say what had happened! I thought about maybe bursting into tears and pretending to be too verklempt to share, but luckily I can spew a line of bullshit in my sleep, so I just made most of it up. Oh and also? During the whole relaxation thing, I just kept worrying that I wasn't relaxed enough. Like, I kept thinking, "Are you breathing deeply enough? Does your body feel relaxed? No? You're still sitting up perfectly straight . . . that is not relaxing. Although good posture is important. I'd hate to become a hunchback just because I got too good at relaxing. OK, concentrate. Relax. Relax! I SAID RELAX, DAMMIT! I wonder if I'm relaxed enough. I bet everyone else is way more relaxed than I am. I SUCK at relaxing."

Then finally the training was over. I'm excited to just get into the actual volunteering, mostly because I am much more comfortable with listening to other people talk than I am with talking about myself.

Arrrrrgh, matey!

Sorry, I'm just sad that Talk Like a Pirate Day is over.

you had to know that I was fond of you, fond of Y-O-U

I've noticed that I've been posting more than usual (sometimes TWICE A DAY . . . I KNOW!) and I think I know why. My deadline is on Tuesday. And I procrastinate. Meaning I have a bunch of articles to write so I've been spending even more time than usual in front of the computer. So. Basically that means if I'm not asleep I'm in front of the computer.

I've been trying to curb my procrastination tendencies by setting mini-deadlines for myself every day, so I'm not writing 20 articles on Monday night. For instance, last night I said I had to write five articles and I DID but then it turned out that I was home alone and didn't know what to do with myself. So I watched Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I love both of these movies SO SO MUCH, but they both depress the hell out of me so I don't know what possessed me to watch them one right after the other. Not smart. At all. Then again, I never claimed to be that smart so there. Those movies both make me think of things I'd rather not think about. I do a lot to distract myself from real, honest-to-god thinking, what with the gym and the part-time job and the volunteering and the mindless hours spent surfing the Internets, so when I do something that causes me to have a feeling (yuck), I spend the next couple of days trying to talk myself out of it, all "you don't feel that way . . . cut it out . . . don't be stupid . . . seriously, just stop or if you're not going to stop, at least go to the gym instead of lying in a woe-is-me fashion all over your bed." True story. I have no clue what I'm talking about but what else is new?

Right, so, I'm posting a lot because I'm in front of the computer and eventually I run out of things to read on the Internets so instead I have to write on the Internets to procrastinate. It's science. It's funny (no, it's not), but I allowed myself to skip the gym today because the logical side of my brain was all "oh, if you skip the gym, that's another hour you can spend writing," but what the logical side of my brain doesn't know is that it's not in charge.