Mr. President, what is your weapon of choice?

Well, debate numero uno is over, and now the news frenzy begins. Even though I knew the debate wasn't going to change my vote, I wanted to watch and form my own opinion before all the "experts" came on to tell me who did what better.

That said, did anyone else notice Bush's excessive blinking during his closing statement? I think he was trying to send the audience a message in Morse code.

My dad and I were trying to come up with ways to make the debate more interesting, so more people would watch. Here are a few things we came up with.

First of all, my dad suggested that whoever came in second should become VP. Think about it. They could have a whole new reality show based on their crazy Democan/Republicrat shenanigans.

My suggestion? Fight to the death. Then we wouldn't have to worry about another hanging-chad/Florida situation.

Or they could put on those Gladiator outfits (there's a pleasant image, eh?) and fight it out like they do on the show. They'd be teamed with people named Razor or Ice and do whatever it is they did on that American Gladiator show. I don't really remember. The only time I ever watched it was on Saturday mornings when I was waiting for Saved by the Bell to come on or something.

The moderator should get a whip to use whenever the candidates stray too far off topic.

Whoever makes a baby laugh first wins. I think Bush would win that one, because babies love monkeys.

The candidates are quizzed on a variety of pop culture categories.

Dunk tank.

Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry. Mud-wrestling.

I really wanted to see one of the candidates call the other "dillhole" or "butt monkey."

Juggling. With knives. Knives on fire.

Four words. Stupid Human Pet Tricks.

round 1

Don't forget to watch the debates tonight. 9 PM (here anyway).

It's on after Survivor, anyway.

Everyone is saying how important these debates are. But I'm afraid people are going to focus less on what the candidates are saying, and more on how they're saying it.

Maybe I don't have enough faith in the American people, but I'm still worried about it.

I also wonder how many people are like me. I already know who I'm voting for, but I'm going to watch anyway. Even though there's no way in hell I'd switch my votes. John Kerry could come out with a box of puppies and feed them to a crocodile and I still wouldn't vote for Bush.

catty, party of 7, your table is ready

I just watched The Apprentice. Wow. I have never seen a bigger group of catty, immature women in my life. And I was in a sorority (I kid, I kid, we'll get into what I think of the "sorority girl" stereotype another day). They are like girls who never matured past junior high. They're horrible! They had a pretty simple task tonight; to set up a restaurant. A lot of work, but not brain surgery, right? Too bad they'd rather fight with each other and look for a scapegoat in case they lose rather than concentrate on winning the task. No, that would make too much sense!

I'm with Carolyn, who said she was embarrassed by them. They are making women look so bad. Did the producers do this on purpose? Did they try to find the most juvenile women in the US? The only woman on the show that doesn't make me want to stab myself in the eye is Pamela, and she's on the men's team. I think Ivana is batshit crazy, Stacy is an angry little munchkin, Elizabeth is whiny, Jen (who got fired tonight) is a loud-mouth, know-it-all, Jennifer is condescending, Sandy is two-faced, and Maria . . . oh, she just grates. Every time she opens her mouth I want to kick her in the shin.

I hope they all get fired so the men have more airtime, because John is just plain hot.

squirrels are evil (and hard to spell)

The squirrels in this neighborhood are up to something. I went outside a little bit ago to clean the egg off of my car. I could hear a squirrel in the tree next to me making that weird screechy chirp noise they make. It sounded like it was very far up in the tree, so as I walked by I had my head up staring at the high branches trying to make out a small bit of fur. That's when this squirrel screeched really loudly and jumped on this branch right in front of my face. It scared the crap out of me; I actually shouted "Oh holy shit." Pathetic. I was scared by a SQUIRREL.

As I was trying to scrape the dried egg yolk from my windshield, I noticed a squirrel in the tree across the street, just staring at me. And the one that had scared me was also staring at me, from the space between these two branches. AND there was another squirrel in the next yard who I think was looking for something to eat, but his search didn't really look that believable, you know?

Anyway, that's why I think they're up to something. They're probably after me because of all the chipmunks and squirrels I relocated this summer. Or maybe the relocated squirrels and chipmunks have made their way back to this neighborhood and they're all going to jump out at me one day and drag me off to the nature reserve and leave me there.

Or maybe I should stop smoking so much crack.

egg this, jerk

Yesterday some little shit-for-brains-dickless bastard egged my car. It's all over the back windshield. It's disgusting. At least the weather has cooled off, though, and it doesn't smell. The last time someone egged my car, it was all over the left side of the car and it was the middle of summer. Not pleasant.

I really don't understand the thrill with egging things. It's not that I haven't done my fair share of damage to property that doesn't belong to me, but usually that damage was done with toilet paper or shaving cream.

But what's the thrill with throwing eggs? Is it the satisfying crack as the egg hits the target? Is it making a mess of a car? Because my car was already really dirty. This is the car that's never been through a car wash. I'll clean the windows at gas stations, and clean it myself about once a year, but usually I just let the rain rinse off the film of grime that normally coats it.

It hasn't rained in a while, though. Maybe it's time for Baby's First Car Wash.

It's National Banned Books Week

Thanks Amy, for reminding me. Go here to read the top 100 most banned books from 1990 to 2000. Amy had a good idea, to pick a book off of the list to read this week. I'm going to read The Handmaid's Tale, by Margaret Atwood.

Here are some other banned books I'd recommend:

Harry Potter (but be careful, you might want to become a wizard and practice dark arts afterward)

Where's Waldo (WTF?)

Of Mice and Men (again, I say, WTF?)

The Catcher in the Rye

The Giver

The Color Purple

The Bluest Eye

To Kill a Mockingbird

Flowers for Algernon

Slaughterhouse-Five

Lord of the Flies

Some of the books on this list, wow. I think it's funny that so many books that are considered classics are on the list.

Whatever. Leave my books alone, please.

Death is not an option: political edition

Sorry for this one, but I couldn't help myself.

Rush Limbaugh vs. Michael Moore: conservative, drug-addicted, butterball versus liberal, well, I don't know about the drugs, but he is a butterball. One wears a suit and pollutes the radio waves, one dresses like a college student and pollutes (say some) the movies.

That stuff you're tasting at the back of your throat? That's bile.

Again, sorry.