"Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds."

Do you ever get jealous of fictional characters? I don't mean the ones who have super Slayer strength or the ones who can do magic or the ones who can fly a Viper after drinking all the booze on Galactica.

Done and DONE

No, I'm talking about, like, OK...when a character on TV or in a movie is climbing into bed, I get super jealous of them. Even if I'm not tired and the last thing I want to do is sleep (PSHAW), I still get jealous because BED IS SO COMFORTABLE, WHO DOESN'T WANT TO GO TO THERE? I feel like I've been spending my entire life trying to make my bed look as inviting as the beds do on TV, all fluffy comforter and just the right amount of pillows, and I think I'm finally there, yet I spend very little time sleeping compared to how often I WANT to be sleeping.

It’s not just the sleeping thing, though. Joe and I have been watching The O.C. and lately I've been very jealous of the Cohens. And not for normal reasons, like that they live in a giant house with an infinity pool or because their days are full of witty banter or that they're so rich that Seth can destroy his Range Rover and he gets in about as much trouble as I used to for not refilling the ice cube trays. No. It's because, every morning, they have all this time for a breakfast routine. The kitchen, as in so many TV shows, plays an important role. It's where storylines are hashed out, it’s where characters gather to eat and share their problems, IT'S WHERE MOST OF THE WITTY BANTER HAPPENS.

AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE BAGELS!

Not only do the Cohens have a really great kitchen, but they seem to have a million hours in the morning to spend in it. I don't know about you guys, but even though Joe and I have made time to eat breakfast at home in the mornings (together, even), it still doesn't leave us a lot of time to sit around trying to out-quip one another. We get five minutes for that, tops. Sure, we could have more time if we got up earlier but why on Earth would we want to get up any earlier than we have to?

Also! On TV, whenever they're getting ready for work/school/whatever, it's always sunny outside already. In my world, the sun usually isn't out until I'm leaving the house and sometimes it's not even out until I get to work. When I worked farther away from home, I could drive to work and, some mornings, watch the sunrise in my rearview mirror. (In related news, that is the saddest sentence I've ever typed.)

I know that it's crazy to expect TV to depict anything in a realistic light. I know that Slayers don't exist (to my knowledge) and the FBI has yet to acknowledge a secret division called the X-Files in the basement of the Hoover building, and I know that no normal family can spend hours of time together every morning before going about their daily business. But in order for me to accept the Slayers and the vampires and the multiple-death-having-FBI-agents of this fictional world, I need some reality or my OCD won't let me just enjoy the show.

So, dear fictional characters, please close the front door. Go to the bathroom to do things other than apply lip gloss or do drugs (I don't need to SEE what you’re doing, just a hint will do). Eat breakfast when it’s dark out! I need these depictions of reality in my fiction every now and then, I really do. Otherwise I forget to pay attention to what's actually going on during The Aviator and instead focus on where Howard Hughes was pooping the whole time he refused to come out of his movie theater. TRUE STORY.

Don't you judge me, Howard Hughes. You pee in milk bottles!

lists!

Things I Have Done Recently:

• saw Up (and cried)
• played Wii Fit (and cried)
• went to the pool
• got a bit sunburny on my back
• read
• ate Chinese food (mmm)
• drank beers (mmm)
• ate pizza (mmm)
• drank more beers (mmm)
• introduced Joe to Old School
• ran

Things I Am Going to Do in the Near Future:

• see The Decemberists
• go to volunteering and participate in the annual balloon launch
• see a sneak preview of The Hangover
• run some more
• figure out how to use my new camera
• pack
• go to Myrtle Beach

Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:

• at home
• at the pool
• um, anywhere, really, to make a long story short

Don't say "bucks." It's not lady-like.

Thanks for the well-wishes, Internets. I'm feeling much better and PUKING NO MORE. Which = awesome. I hate puking. So very much. I mean, I guess no one really likes puking, but I like to think I hate it more than other people. I don't know why.

I was still feeling shitty this morning and I think it was because A) I hadn't eaten anything, B) I knew I had to go back to work and C) I sort of inadvertently gave up caffeine. Oops. See, this is what I ate on Sunday: a piece of toast, 3 Ritz crackers, a bowl of chicken noodle soup. And this is what I threw up on Sunday: a piece of toast, 3 Ritz crackers. I'm not sure why I'm still talking about puking. I know everyone already knows what it's like to throw up and that my vomit is nothing special, but I like to think that it is. (It's not.)

Anyway, so I didn't have any caffeine on Sunday or yesterday or today, unless you count the tiny bit that's in green tea which I don't think really matters that much when I normally drink a bajillion cups of coffee a day. It works out well, though, because I've been wanting to give up caffeine or at least cut down on the amount of coffee I drink, so this getting sick thing was sort of good. Also, I might pretend that I gave up caffeine for Lent, even though that hasn't started yet, because I've never given up anything for Lent before. Probably not, though, because I just remembered I bought like three 12-packs of Coke zero. I can't just NOT drink it. It might go bad.

I wish I had more exciting stories to share with you, but this morning was the first time I'd left the apartment since Sunday. Unless you count when I took the trash out yesterday WHICH I DON'T even though it left me feeling like I'd just run a marathon. What a loser. I did manage to do my taxes. Federal taxes, anyway. And everyone knows that federal taxes are the important ones. Suck it, Ohio. I also watched like five hours of The Biggest Loser and YEP cried every episode. Again, I say, what a loser.

Also, I haven't done this in 69 days, so I think now is the perfect time:

Grace in small things --

1. reconciling with a friend
2. TV marathons when I'm sick
3. endless Internet when I'm sick
4. 7-UP when I'm sick (I can't drink it any other time, because it reminds me of being sick)
5. um, staying in my pajamas all day and not feeling bad about it because I'm siiiiiiiick.

Hee.

IT'S SO DAMN HOT. Milk was a bad choice.

I usually have a tough time falling to sleep on Sunday nights (see also: all other nights), due to a combination of sleeping in on Sunday morning, drinking too much caffeine all day, and the general laziness of Sundays that involves, um, lying on the sofa watching movies on cable. However, I have discovered the secret to getting the BEST night of sleep EVER on a Sunday night:

1. Get up at a decent hour (i.e. before noon).
2. Instead of lying around all day, get dressed up in tea party clothes.
3. Go to tea party and be nice, sociable person (this is exhausting). Try not to make any inappropriate jokes for a couple of hours (this is also exhausting).
4. Do computer research (i.e. surf Facebook, Google Reader, etc.)
5. Go running in the SWELTERING HEAT.
6. Take shower.
7. Read a good book.
8. SLEEP*.

It should go without saying (so I'm going to say it anyway), but your air conditioning should be turned on. Did I mention the SWELTERING HEAT? Because the heat? It is sweltering. Whatever. Swelter on, heat, I will totally harness the power of the AC and KILL YOU DEAD.

*BONUS #9 - read this blog because, dude, BORING