"It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist."

This morning, I was trying to figure out what to listen to on Spotify but couldn't think of anything (MY LIFE IT IS SO HARD) so I put on Indie radio. Coldplay's Don't Panic came on which gave me the brilliant idea to listen to the Garden State soundtrack. (That song is on the Garden State soundtrack. In case you weren’t aware. The thoughts were connected, is what I'm saying.)

I listened to the Garden State soundtrack all morning because I guess I wanted to make myself really sad? That's the only thing I can think of. I was obsessed with Garden State (both the movie and the soundtrack) when it came out. I was just out of college and floundering through adulthood (The Shins hadn't yet changed my life) so a story about a guy going home and drifting along until he found some sort of connection with someone or something was right up my alley. I watched the movie constantly, sometimes starting it over as soon as the credits rolled. If I remember correctly (and it seems I do), Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind were in pretty constant rotation for a while which...I guess I was trying to MAKE myself suffer from crippling depression? Good idea, Past!Jennie.

So you can imagine how disappointed I was when Joe and I watched Garden State a couple of years ago and I hated it. Just hated it. I hated everyone in it. Though, I was never all that fond of Natalie Portman's character, having been convinced upon first viewing that she stole my “socially awkward, lying-for-no-reason” schtick. Most everyone else was OK back then, though. But this time? Everything grated. The slow drift through the story (such as it was), the overly dramatic dialogue, the "original moment," I couldn't believe how much I used to love it.

God, even reading the quotes on IMDb is giving me a mad case of CringeFace (so stop, IDIOT). I think what it is, is that I loved this movie SO MUCH, so unabashedly, that now I'm embarrassed that I felt so strongly. Which is stupid. Who cares that I used to love that movie? It spoke to me at a time when I needed it and now I don't need it anymore and that's OK. There’s a reason we behave differently at 30 than we did at 20 and that is called GROWING AS A PERSON or some bullshit, and that’s fine and normal and blah blah whatever.

Anyway. The Garden State soundtrack is still great. And it does still make me sad when I listen to it. It makes me miss the person I used to be, confused as she was, because I don't really know her anymore. I'm no longer homesick for that place that doesn't exist. But I used to be. For a long time, I felt stuck in limbo between childhood and adulthood, like I was just playing adult most of the time. And while I still feel that way sometimes, I also know that I'm capable of doing adult-like things, good or bad, without completely falling apart. I'm so much more capable than I used to be, more capable than I ever gave myself credit for. I mean, we all are, right?

Still. It makes me a bit nostalgic, listening to the soundtrack of my early twenties. A little heart-achy and more than a little eye-rolly, and, since we’re talking about my early twenties here, that feels almost perfect.

it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again

This morning on the way to work, I was all pissed off because it was cold and my car was taking forever to warm up and then, just as I pulled into the parking lot at work, I remembered that last night I had turned the blowy temperature thingie (technical term) to blow cool air because I was wearing both my heavy coat AND a sweater and I was hot and I didn't feel right opening the windows because there was snow on the ground. It all made sense yesterday, I swear. So. That's why it was cold. It reminded me of this game my friend Amy told me her brother used to play. When it was really cold outside, he'd lock all the car doors and turn on the AC and say, "let's play Antarctica!" I think he played a similar game in the summer, except he used the heat and it was called "Sahara Desert." I find this to be one of the greatest stories anyone has ever told me. I wish I had come up with it, but I didn't. I could have told you I did, but that would be lying and lying is wrong.

So I was in sort of a bad mood, on account of I was freezing and I knew it was because of my own stupidity, but after a while I decided to not be in a bad mood anymore. It worked, too, because I'm very good at bossing myself to do stuff and also I was listening to The Shins, which has the inexplicable ability to make me smile. It's weird that The Shins Effect can be so different for everyone. Because I'm pretty sure The Shins make Heidi want to punch me in the face. Heh.

I have a confession to make, Internets. You know how they show The Office reruns on TBS on Tuesdays? Well, even though I have seen every episode at least (at least!) five times and I own every season on DVD, I still watch them. And sometimes TiVo records them and I watch them again. I have a problem. But it's OK, I've learned to live with it.

I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.

I think I watched more TV last night than I have in like a month. Truly. Also, I think I ate more junk food than I have in the past month, too. Pizza! Cookies! OK, that was it, but whatever.

Heidi and I got pizza for dinner and settled down to watch a bunch of TV. We started with America's Next Top Model, moved onto The Real World, and then took a break to go buy cookies because I wouldn't stop talking about CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES and we sure as hell weren't going to MAKE them. Anyway, we didn't have milk so we had to go to the store. You see the logic? Good.

So on the way home from the store, there was the craziest conversation with my roommate ever. So crazy, in fact, that I'm not even going to try to recreate it because there's no way I can do it justice. We did talk about the fact that Heidi writes down everything that I say in a secret diary to use against me later. Because I kept talking about how I don't want kids and she said that in 10 years when I'm pregnant with my 18th child (ok?), she's going to pull it out and be all, "Remember when we were 25 and you said you didn't want kids? Well, I have it right here." And I am telling you RIGHT NOW that the only way I'm going to end up with 18 kids is if I go the Angelina Jolie route and just adopt one from every country or something. They are not coming out of my vagina. No way. Did you know you poop in front of people while you're in labor? NO THANK YOU TO THAT.

Also, she told me she hopes I marry someone with the last name "Dixon" so she can call me "Dix." That statement would probably make more sense if I tell you that almost every one of my friends call me "Bax." Which is short for my last name. I have had so many nicknames in my lifetime that I sometimes forget my real name. True story.

Also, other stuff happened, but I can't remember it right now. When we got home, we made cookies (duh) and they were delicious, especially because we ate them while they were still warm and gooey. Then we watched Ugly Betty. I've seen like two episodes total of that show and I don't know that Heidi has ever seen it so we really had no idea what was going on, but it was SO GOOD you guys. So good! I forget why I never watched it before. Oh, right, because it was on at the same time as The Office. I would talk about The Office now, but it made me so happy that I think if I talk about it too much my head might explode so I'll just say I liked it a whole lot and also I love PB&J and that is all.

Then we watched Grey's Anatomy. Eh.

I have decided that I'm going to listen to The Shins all day today. All Shins All Day! Chutes too Narrow, Oh Inverted World, Wincing the Night Away, MAYBE even the Garden State soundtrack. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT? Actually, I'm starting with Wincing the Night Away so I may not get to the rest of them. And that's OK. Dear self, stop babbling.

Oh, and Mom? I was thinking about it and I figured out that it isn't The Shins you don't like, because I remembered you said the song you didn't like was called "everybody something," and I'm fairly certain The Shins don't sing a song called "everybody something" and also if they do sing a song called "everybody something" I'm pretty sure I've never linked to it on my blog, so even though YOU SAID you don't like The Shins, I think in IN FACT what you meant was you don't like REM. So you might like The Shins (this is them) but if you don't like REM, I still might have to disown you. Sorry, but you brought this on yourself. Although, I haven't disowned you and dad for liking Two and a Half Men, so I might be able to overlook this.

Dear self, I believe I told you to stop babbling. Because WOW.

Dwight, you ignorant slut.

I just got back from a very traumatic run. A bug. Flew in. My eye. MY EYE. THE THING I USE TO SEE. It was gross. Like, I was concentrating so hard on the bugs not flying in my mouth that I didn't even see it coming. Get it? SEE IT coming? Anyway, it was sort of good because I think it made me run faster because I just wanted to get home and make sure all the bug pieces were out of my eye.

Before I left, I called my mom to tell her I was going running by myself in the dark because, while I am borderline retarded, I am not so stupid to run off into the night without telling someone where I'm going.

When I got home, I called to tell her I was still alive, which led to this:

Mom: Are you back?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Did you run into Sexy Man or whatever you call him?
Me: Hot Guy*?
Mom: Yeah, him.
Me: No, Mom, I did not run into Hot Guy.
Mom: Too bad.
Me: Sorry.
Mom: Well, a mother can hope.
Me: You hope I meet a strange boy while running in the dark?
Mom: No, not a boy. A MAN.
Me: OK.
Mom: Although, I'd hope he wouldn't live in an apartment complex. He should have a house.
Me: Why?
Mom: Because that means he's established.
Me: I don't have a house. Why should I expect him to have a house if I don't have one?
Mom: Because that means he's mature. One of you needs to be.
Me: Thanks.

And then! She told me she didn't like The Shins! I might have to disown her. She said she'd rather listen to Spoon, which . . . fine, but that brought up another sore subject. Yesterday I found out that the Spoon concert I was going to go to was CANCELED. Because the band is going to be on SNL instead. I mean, come ON. Ohio vs. Saturday Night Live . . . OK, never mind, they did the right thing. I'm still pretty devastated, though. Stupid crap ass Ohio.

*although I DID see him earlier tonight . . . twice, even! Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Hot Guy found my blog? He'd be all, "oh my god, am I Hot Guy?" and then he'd get creeped out and move away. So I really hope he doesn't know about The Internets.