And the language these guys use. Rough! One of the guys told me to take my head out of my bottom and get back to work.

Today was a grand day. Just GRAND, I tell you. Actually, it really wasn't that bad, it's just that I think the worst feeling in the whole entire world is that feeling when you wake up the morning after a three day weekend and realize you have to go to work. Oh, and also you didn't sleep at all the night before because your body and brain refused to calm down and shut up (respectively) enough for you to actually, I don't know, relax and sleep for at least twenty minutes.

Before you start talking about AIDS babies or homeless people or whatever, I KNOW there are worse things in life than having to go back to work after a three day weekend. Like, for instance, not even HAVING a three day weekend. I know I'm being dramatic. But you can just shut up because MY LIFE IS HARD, OK?

I had to go to the hooha doctor today. Apparently if they even suspect that you may at one time in the future EVEN POSSIBLY develop hooha cancer, they want to see you every three months. It's nice that they care so much. Really. You wanna know what the sweetest words ever to be uttered at the gyno's office are? "You can disrobe now, but just on the bottom." Score! I got to leave my shirt on! I know those words don't sound that great, but when it's 15 degrees outside and 30 degrees in the exam room, you're happy that you get to leave whatever clothes you can on.

So there I was, sitting pantsless in the exam room with just a thin, paper blanket to cover my bare, goosebumbly legs. And I didn't want to get up and get a magazine from the counter, because every time I stood up, my bare ass was hanging out in the COLD COLD AIR and that? Was as unpleasant as it sounds. Perhaps moreso if you were standing behind me.

I sat there forever. At least 25 minutes. Maybe even 26. You don't know, you weren't there. Anyway, I was so bored and there was a map of the United States that was color coded to show you where the fattest states are. After I realized that I could barely recognize any of the states and am INCREDIBLY bad at geography, I tried to remember the 50 Nifty United States song. I remembered most of it, including listing all the states in alphabetical order, but I always get mixed up right after Ohio. Cause you're all, "Ohiiiiiiiiiii-ooooooo," which feels like the climax, but it's not. It sort of looks like a climax typed like that, BUT IT'S NOT, I said. Geez, calm down.

Where was I? Who knows? I sure don't. Anyway, after I sang the song a few times, I remembered that Heidi said the last time SHE went to the doctor, there was a Dr. Seuss book in the exam room. So I stood up, still humming the state song, and rummaged around the magazines with one hand while I held the paper blanket skirt shut behind me with my other hand. You know, in case the doctor walked in at that moment, I really didn't want to moon the hallway and its occupants. Although, it would serve them right. That room was ice cold AND devoid of Dr. Seuss books.

The doctor finally came in and seemed really frazzled. She said she was running late and I was all, "no shit, I realized that after you left me here half naked for half an hour." And then she totally rushed through the exam. No drinks, no dinner, NO JOKE. She was just in and out. So to speak.

this city . . . is the best city . . . of all the cities

You guys, I don't want to brag, but you have never had as much fun as I have had in the past 24 hours. You just haven't. Yesterday morning, I left the cold and snow of Ohio, drove through the cold and snow of West Virginia and the cold and snow of Pennsylvania and then the cold and snow of West Virginia again and also some cold and snow of Maryland. I'm not gonna lie to you, for a while I didn't know what state I was in and when I saw the "Welcome to West Virginia" sign, I shouted, "but I thought I was already in West Virginia!" Stupid geography.

Anyway, did you know there are bears in Maryland? I didn't see any, but a sign told me to watch out for them. Because . . . BEARS!

I know you'll be surprised, but I got horribly horribly lost once I got into the city. And then I almost hit like 80 people with my cars. And then I tried to park my car and there were shenanigans because I suck at both driving and parallel parking. And after driving a million hours, I did not want to be in the car anymore so when I saw the Washington monument poking up into the sky like a giant wang, I have never been so happy to see an inappropriate monument in my life. True story.

OK, but once I got here? More fun than you've ever had. True story. Today will be more of the same. Again. Don't be jealous. One day you might have this much fun, too.

But I doubt it. Oh snap! Ha! Sorry.

a fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha . . . lobster

I could tell you I've never been this tired in my life, but I'd probably be lying. In fact, I'm so tired that I can't remember if I've ever been this tired in my life. So that's a problem. A tiny problem, I'll admit, but a problem.

Oh, Internets. It was sort of a disastrous weekend. I feel like I spent most of it in my car stuck in traffic because of the fucking tolls in Chicago. The traffic was so bad that even though I left the city for Barrington (where? yeah, I don't know either) an hour and a half early, I was two minutes late for the ceremony. And when I got there, they told me that since the ceremony had already started I couldn't go in. I thought about going all Jon Secada and pounding on a window and screaming until they let me in, but I couldn't see any windows overlooking the ceremony so instead I went out to my car and cried. I mean, yeah, it's not very productive but I felt better afterward. The reception was fun, although I couldn't dance very well because I think the dress I borrowed from Heidi was just a tiny bit too small and I was afraid one of my boobs would fall out and nothing ruins a reception faster than some guest who didn't even make it to the ceremony having a wardrobe malfunction. True story. After the ceremony, I changed my clothes in my car but it was OK because almost everyone was gone and it was really dark and now that I think about it maybe it's not a good idea to change your clothes in a dark, secluded parking lot if you're a woman and alone and in a strange town. Oh well. On the way home, this will surprise you, I got really lost in Chicago but it wasn't my fault because Mapquest gave me the wrong directions. Fucking Mapquest. When I finally got back to Mary's, I found the last parking spot in the $5 parking lot and gave her doorman my sob story about the traffic and the wedding and the getting lost and he let me into Mary's apartment. I guess I don't look very threatening (little does he know). Oh and I also accidentally ran through a toll without paying on the way to the wedding. Oops.

There were other small disasters. Not as disastrous as, I don't know, missing the wedding, but still. At dinner Friday night, there was a tiny mishap with a full margarita and I ended up wearing it. As I sat there, staring at the sticky mess in my lap, I wondered if I should just give up and go home but NO I went into the bathroom (thankfully it was a one person bathroom and not one with a bunch of stalls) and took off my shirt and pants and dried them under the hand dryer. And that is how I ended up half naked in a restaurant bathroom in Chicago. DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. Anyway, I spent the rest of the night somewhat sticky and smelling of strawberries.

Also?

Mary: Boyfriend's Friend is hitting on you.
Me: No, he's not.
Erica: Yes, he is.
Me: No, he's not.
Mary: Um, OK.
Me: He has a girlfriend.
Mary: Yeah, he cheats on her a lot.
Me: OH MY GOD! I AM SO SICK OF BOYS! SERIOUSLY! I'm done.
Mary: Please stop yelling.

Then later in the car I yelled some more about something I can't remember. Don't worry, this wasn't angry yelling or anything. It's just that when I drink, my volume goes up to 11 (that's high) and everything I say sounds like angry yelling or at least regular yelling but it's really not.

Yesterday it took us approximately 97 hours to get out of the city and I finally made it home a little after 10. And even though I was exhausted, I couldn't sleep last night. What IS that? I love sleeping! Why doesn't my brain? Sleep is SO GOOD. My brain doesn't even know. Stupid brain, who needs it?

I don't want it to seem like it was a terrible weekend. I had fun. It's just that, you know, shitty things happened. It's OK, though, because yesterday was officially the end of my wedding season. Until October. Sigh.

Well, let’s hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route. I prefer Mapquest. That's a good one, too. Google maps is the best, true that DOUBLE TRUE.

I was all set to get pissed with Punxsutawney Phil and threaten to kill him and punch him in the babymaker and roast him in our fireplace, but he's getting a slight reprieve because I did not have to risk life and limb by trying to make it into work this morning. That's right, friends, I got a snow day. SNOW. DAY. And while as a tiny child I would have immediately run out into the frigid cold snow to build a snowman or snowangel or some other snownonsense, today I plan on spending the day in my pjs, alternating between napping on the couch watching TiVo and napping in my bed "reading" a book. Funny story (not really), I have seven library books and countless books I have purchased that I have not yet read (although I did finally finish Lolita), said library books are rapidly approaching their due date and I have decided to read Bridget Jones's Diary for the 18th time. I have a problem but at least I am not afraid to admit it.

Last night, Heidi and I got stuck in some strange wormhole at the gym and didn't end up getting home until 10:30. PM! Then we spent a good 30 minutes mapquesting different destinations. It's more fun than it sounds. It's kind of like traveling without having to pack or put shoes on or find a rest stop that doesn't look like a scene out of a horror movie when you have to pee so bad you're afraid your bladder is going to explode out of your stomach (or wherever) and you'll never make it to your destination and if you do you'll have urine and pieces of bladder all over you. I'm sorry for that image. ANYWAY. I should tell you . . . this is the longest, most pointless Conversation With My Roommate in the history of Conversations With My Roommate. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Me: Do you know how far away Knoxville is?
Heidi: Not really. I think it's near Nashville.
Me: Hmm.
Heidi: Let's Mapquest it!
Me: OK!
Heidi: 4 hours, 51 minutes, that's not bad.
Me: Let's see how far Nashville is.
Heidi: OK.
Me: 5 hours, 19 minutes.
Heidi: So basically a difference of half an hour.
Me: I thought they were farther away from each other than that.
Heidi: Me too. Ooh, I know, Mapquest how far it is from Nashville to Knoxville.
Me: Oh. 2 hours, 47 minutes.
Heidi: OK, then.
Me: Let's see how far Boston is!
Heidi: OK.
Me: 13 hours, 26 minutes.
Heidi: Damn. What about Atlantic City? I bet it's far.
Me: 9 hours, 52 minutes . . . what about New Orleans?
Heidi: Yeah!
Me: 13 hours, 7 minutes.
Heidi: Washington DC?
Me: I've never been there.
Heidi: It's fun.
Me: 7 hours, 57 minutes.
Heidi: How about the North Pole?
Me: I think we might have a little trouble driving there.
Heidi: OK. How about Juneau, Alaska?
Me: HAHAHA.
Heidi: No, seriously.
Me: Why can't Mapquest find it?
Heidi: Because Alaska's state code is AK, not AL.
Me: Oh man. Don't tell anyone I did that.
Heidi: OK.
Me: It's good to know there's not a Juneau, Alabama, though.
Heidi: Truly.
Me: HA! It takes 63 hours!
Heidi: Let's leave now!
Me: It'd be a beautiful drive.
Heidi: We'd get to go through Canada.
Me: Ooh, speaking of Canada . . .
Heidi: Windsor?
Me: Heck yes!
Heidi: Yessssss!
Me: Holy shit, it's only 3 and a half hours!
Heidi: Let's go!
Me: Yeah, you can drink there when you're 19!
Heidi: Um.
Me: And I know I'm well over age 19 but still . . . it's the principle
Heidi: True. Ooh, Mapquest San Juan, Mexico.
Me: OK. Wait, there's no code for Mexico.
Heidi: Try MX.
Me: Um. It only has codes for Canada, not Mexico.
Heidi: Racists.
Me: Wait, isn't San Juan in Puerto Rico?
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: Oh my god.
Heidi: Yeah.
Me: I think this is veering into Conversations With My Roommate territory.
Heidi: I think you're right.
Me: Geez.
Heidi: Ooh! Mapquest Honolulu, Hawaii.
Me: Um, once again, I think we might have a problem driving there.
Heidi: Just try it, I wanna see what it says!
Me: OK. It says, "We are having trouble finding a route for your locations. Please try modifying the information you entered."
Heidi: Damn, I was hoping it would say something like, "Please vacate your car and start swimming."
Me: Why don't they just build a bridge from Hawaii to the mainland?
Heidi: Yeah! It would help with their tourism.
Me: And if anyone needs help with tourism, it's Hawaii.

If you made it all the way through that, I hope you learned something. Other than how bad at geography Heidi and I are.